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My immortal – A Very English Commentary
Chapter Twelve - Where Art Thou, Raven?
AN: stop f,aing ok (I would if I knew what that was.) hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! (Oh don't get all high and mighty on my little miss. You just wanted your Sue to have more people drooling over her, that's all.) how du u no snap iant kristia (BECAUSE HE'S A WIZARD! CLOSE CASE!) plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok! (No, you clearly wrote Hargrid in the last chapter, and the first part of this AN. Cedric is that creepy kid who was played by that Twilight guy who can't act right? Pretty sure Mouldy Voldy already did the world a favour by killing him a few years before this was set.)
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I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago (Drago? Sounds like a cheesy B-grade villain.) had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together. (When did he tell you this? Your relationship up until now has been 'words, fuck, words, fuck again, break up, suicide'. There's nothing about a silver knife in there.)
"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid (What's with the random CAPS? This isn't Tumblr.) but it was Vampire. (The two sound NOTHING alike.) He started to scream. "OMFG! (Again, that would be pronounced "Ohmuhfuhguh".) NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. (His pinks?)
I stopped. "How did u know?" (How did he know his own scar hurt?)
"I saw it! (You…saw…your scar hurt?) And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!" (HOW did you see this happen? It's not exactly within range of your own sight now is it?)
"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.
"I do but Diabolo *spluttering and gasping for air* changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" (That's probably a ship. I'm going to Google it!)
Anyway I was in the school nurse's office (You mean the Hospital Wing.) now recovering from my slit wrists. (When did you do that? WHEN DID YOU GET INTO THE HOSPITAL WING!?) Snap and Loopin and HAHRID (This. Is. Not. TUMBLR!) were there too. They were going to St. Mango's after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. (So, it's only wrong to molest hot females. Non-hot females and males in general are fair game? Good to know.) Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera *chokes with laughter* (Um…Dumbles? I know you're getting on a bit now, but I don't think that's how you use a camera. Aw shit, do I have to call St Mungo's for you too? They still haven't picked up Voldy.) they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.
Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed *immaturity is god* (Oh dear…you um, want some clean sheets there?) holding a bouquet of pink roses.
"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.
"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color (Ugh…why this lack of a 'U'? WHY?!) pink anyway, and I don't like fucked up preps like you." I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik. (But…wasn't he in your band? Your gothic band?)
"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses."(Yes they are.)
"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" (No, they're roses. Trust me, I am from the internet.) I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses. (We have established this fact.)
"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied." "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video (PORN! There, I said it. Ffs.) made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently. (He added silently?)
(Uh…no, I'm listening…it just takes a while for this degree of language rape to fully compute.)
(So, Enoby tells Hairbrush that he did not save her life, he only stopped an indecent video of being taken. Hairbrush then promptly reminds her that she was also technically a victim of sexual assault.)
"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.
(Enoby feels angry but also slightly girly about this revelation.)
He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! .
(Sorry, I honestly can't translate this bit. You're on your own kids!)
"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely. (YOU ARE NOT WISE BY ANY MEANS! Stop, just…no!)
"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!"
(Who else imagined Hairbrush turning off to the side and saying that bit in the brackets in a really girly-giggly voice? By the way, I figured the gobbledygook that kind of has a Japanese sounding bit at the end out. I think it means something like "My Chemical Romance I'm not okay". Yeah, go figure.)
And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. (Good lord, really?! I WOULD HAVE NEVER KNOWN!) Now I knew he wasn't a prep. (Just because something is black doesn't mean that the person who owns it is not a 'prep'.)
"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?" (Yeah Hairbrush, what the flick is a Drako?)
Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls (HAHAHA!) *immaturity* of flame (GREAT BALLS OF FIRE! Random thought time…I wonder, if such a being even exists, are Satan's balls are made of fire? It's something I'll have to ask him when I finally hop it, because I've been told twice now that I'm going to hell. Good...it'll give me the opening I need to follow demons around singing 'Your Sex is On Fire'...) but I could c nothing. (That's because you're looking into your brain.)
"U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?"
(Hoo boy…)
(Guess Raven couldn't help with the story at this bit, huh? We should be so grateful to this Raven chick. Without her, ALL the chapters of My Immortal would look like this. Don't leave, Raven! We need you!)
"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back.
Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!"
(…what just happened...?)
(Come back Raven! Please!)
Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a (NO!) black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (That would be really unattractive.) (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) (Tara, let me let you in on a little secret…EVERYONE AND THEIR GOLDFISH HAS SEEN THE RING! It's not a 'goff' thing.) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.
"You look kawai, girl." (No she doesn't. She looks like an emo prostitute gone AWOL.) B'loody Mary said sadly. "Fangs (geddit) (We. Get. It.) you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. (Again, not actually possible.) I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time. I went to some classes. (HOLD THE PHONE! Classes actually exist in this warped version of Harry Potter?!) Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. (So much magical magic hair…sparkle friggin' sparkle.) He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.
(So, all in all, a normal Tuesday afternoon.)
"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in an wqually said way. *sigh*
We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. (Well…okay then. Enoby is so obviously 'nut mary su ok'…)
"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" (You have no idea how much my friends and I use this at college.) shouted Professor McGoggle (MacDonald's and Google, together at last.) who was watching us and so was everyone else. (Cool, free porn! Then again…it's Enoby and Emo Harry…shudder. I think I'll pass.)
"Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!"(It takes two to tango little miss, and you weren't exactly refusing.) I shouted and then I ran away angrily.
Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! (Ohmuhfuhguh, say it with me now.) NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. (I'm sure I've read this bit before…nah, must just be my imagination…)
"NO!" I ran up closer.
"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted. (Wait. This has happened before…WHAT?!)
"I do but Diabolo *uncontrollable chortling* changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!"
(Uh…what?)
(You know something? I've gotten to the point where I don't even question this stuff anymore.)
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SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111
(Yeah Raven, you're the one keeping this thing afloat. Without you, chapters like THIS happen.)
HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I
*sigh* (There's just something about this bit…I don't know what it is.)
Thus, another chapter ends.