Tris' POV

Scott's question took me by surprise. I didn't think that me saying goodbye to my friends and family would cause him to think something's up. But I wanted, no, I needed to say goodbye to them. I couldn't leave without saying goodbye. At least they will all have one good memory of me. I still need to find a way to say goodbye to Scott without him noticing.

We barely speak during our climb, just the occasional "how far until camp?" question comes up or "how about a snack?" or "who would win in a death match between Iron Man and Wolverine?" It's nice to have this casual talk with Scott. We always connected even without many words. He understands me and I him and we both know when to shut the fuck up and leave the other be. It is nice to have him here with me. I think it's fitting. Other than Tobias, Scott is my best friend, but even he can't comprehend my pain. I hope he won't resent me for what I'm about to do and instead remember me the way I was back in the day, before Tobias.

There's no denying it. Tobias changed me. It's not an unwelcome change, it just made me more vulnerable and I hate it a little bit. I always tried my hardest to be strong, confident and ready for everything. But no one told me how my life would be after I found my soul mate and lost him. I know I'm pathetic for even thinking it, but I just can't live like this. Not without him. I know my parents will be very upset about this, but I choose Tobias. I want and need to be with him, wherever he is. He always thought I was strong, but I'm not. I'm a coward, I know that. But I don't care. I want to be with him and this is the only way.

We settle for the night and I realize it is now or never. At this point there are three possible ways up the mountain. Before we left the hotel I wrote a letter to Scott explaining everything and left letters for my loved ones as well. I stuffed it all deep down in his rucksack where he won't find them until we are separated. I also wrote a small note saying I woke up early and decided to trek for a while on my own; he can catch up with me later. This way he won't think something's up and decide on another route.

We sit next to each other reminiscing past expeditions. We laugh, we joke, we keep it simple. That's who we are. We both hate talking about deep stuff and only do it when we really need to. I try to get a couple of hours of sleep before I make my way up the mountain. I set my phone on vibrate to wake me just passed midnight.

I slowly pull out the note out of my jacket and place it near Scott's sleeping frame. I manage to grab my rucksack and get out of our tent closing it carefully without waking my friend.

"Stay safe, my friend. I love you," I say to him as I leave the camp site heading up the mountain, taking the alternative route I planned for.

It is pitch black outside, the stars above do little to illuminate the way, but I have my flashlight attached on my head providing enough light to allow me walking slowly. The night is freezing cold, but I don't care. I didn't come here in search of tropical weather. I came here to stay. I came here to find Tobias again.

I take small steps toward the summit relishing the feeling of being back on a mountain. I have really missed this, more than I thought possible. The months I have spent put weren't as bad as I thought at first. When my parents told me right after Everest that I wasn't allowed to climb for a whole year I was mad at them. I know that they only did what they did to keep me safe and I can't blame them for being protective and worried about me. They are my parents after all and if not them then who will worry about me? The thought of them makes me sad. I'm leaving them behind like I'm leaving everyone else. But I need to do this. I feel like I'm suffocating on this Earth without my soul mate. If it weren't for him I would still be a mess, I'm sure of it. Yes, Scott and Matt cheered me up when they came to visit me during the camp period, but it was only after Tobias and I started talking to each other and opening up to one another that I really felt like my life is being put back together. It is because of him that the wound caused by my friends' death started healing. But with his absence it tore open again and is now bleeding more than ever. That wound, however, is nothing compared to the one Tobias' demise did to me.

From the moment I learned of his accident to the very last second of his funeral I felt a disease spread through my body, a cancer that had neither cure nor treatment and only caused me pain and suffering. There was nothing anyone could do or say to me to convince me otherwise. The only person who could take some of it away was gone.

I put one foot in front of the other and continue my last journey. I smile to myself. Somehow, despite everything, I am glad I met Tobias Eaton. He was my first love, my only love and he gave me more than he could ever imagine. It amuses me to think that he was actually jealous of Scott, when he was and still is my everything. He picked me up when I was down, he gave me courage when I was afraid, he made me laugh when I cried and he held me close to his beating heart when I couldn't hold the tears of sadness back. He was my rock in the storm that was my life after Everest. Bad things can happen and bad things happened to me on mountains, things that only he knew about and even without being a climber himself, he understood. Or perhaps he understood me in a way I couldn't understand myself. He was the balm to my pain and as much as I tried I feel like I failed him when I couldn't do more to make his life better. Maybe there's a second chance for us beyond this life. Maybe we will find each other again. I don't know. I hope there is.

For some reason Tobias' favorite song burrowed its way into my head and is seemingly on repeat because ever since he died it's the only song I've listened to and kept repeating in my head. I have a terrible singing voice but I'm alone and I want this to be the last thing I do before I join Tobias wherever he is.

"I can see every tear you've cried, like an ocean in your eyes. All the pain and the scars have left you cold. I can see all the fears you face, through a storm that never goes away. Don't believe all the lies that you've been told." I so wish that all that happened these past two months were lies and that Tobias was still alive, waiting for me to return in triumph after I conquer my fifth summit. But he isn't. I think of the lyrics. I often thought of them actually. I can see why he included it on the CD and why he liked it so much. It's like the singer is singing our story, Tobias' story. He was the one who knew every last of my secrets and fears. He helped me face them and conquer them over and over again. And for a long time I was cold, empty. But then one day this beautiful boy looked me in the eyes and saw more than just the broken girl. He saw beyond her.

When he asked me out I honestly thought that he was joking or that his friends convinced him to ask me out as part of a bet. But when I looked into his eyes they were honest and anxious all at the same time.

Our first date was the most perfect date in history. He was so sweet and caring and made sure that I would feel comfortable. He shared his life with me and I eventually did the same. I never thought I would ever trust anyone so much to open up completely, leaving myself vulnerable and weak. But he didn't see that. He saw a strength that I didn't know was mine and each time he held me or kissed me or just looked into my eyes I felt myself getting stronger. He's the reason why I didn't succumb to the desperation, the pain and the hopelessness. He gave me that strength and he would have kept on giving it if not for that fateful day in October.

Tobias came into my life unexpected and that's how he left. He came, he conquered, he changed me forever. I am absolutely certain there will never be another like him. There will never be a second person to mark me in the way he did. He did more than love me. He made me rise from a dark place I had fallen into and showed me the way back to life, back to what it means to live and love. I am so grateful that I met him, I am so happy that I was allowed to love him, I am so glad that he loved me back and there is no way he could have loved me better than he did, because he did it perfectly and completely. He accepted me with all my flaws, with all the scars, with all the pain of yesteryears, with all the demons inside my mind and heart. He loved me fiercely and with devotion and that is something no one can buy or rent or find at every corner. It's something you can only receive from someone who truly loves you for you and wouldn't change you for anything in this world. But this is how I loved him.

He was willing to take his pain and transform it into strength. He told me that he kept himself holed up for far too long and decided that it was time to speak about his childhood. He already found a psychologist to talk to. He was determined to become a better man, to bury his past and look forward. To forgive his father for all the pain he caused and forget a dark chapter in his life. There was too much good in his life to stain it with such bad memories.

I always admired his positive thinking, his way of finding a ray of light even in the darkness of the night. He was that kind of person who saw the glass half full instead of half empty and he showed me how to do the same.

I sit down on a large rock. I walked for too long and I'm exhausted. I pull out my water bottle and drink a generous amount before putting it back into my rucksack. It's strange. For the first time since his death I think of him as if he is still here. I don't burst into tears and wail, but instead I remember all the good things we went through, every memory positive and encouraging, filled with love and hope. I pull out my phone and turn it on, the picture with him and me on the picnic blanket staring back at me.

"I miss you so much, Tobias. Why did you have to go? Why did you have to leave me alone?" I ask out loud as if he could hear me.

"I'm still with you," I hear his voice. I look up, hoping that what I heard wasn't imagined, but I'm alone. My mind must be playing tricks on me. "I will always be with you," I hear his voice again.

"Tobias?" I ask.

"You can do this. You can conquer yourself. I believe in you. This isn't your last summit. The highest is still out there," his voice says in my head. Am I hallucinating? I must be. He is dead. What higher summit? Everest is the highest in the world. "You are your own summit," the voice says and all the memories of him encouraging me flood into my mind. Every tear I've cried and he wiped away, every fear I faced and he held my hand, every kiss we shared, every look, every caress, every touch, every word; everything.

He taught me to live again. He showed me there is more to life than we think. He showed me that there is always a way even when you can't see it yourself.

"Conquer myself," I repeat and smile a little.

I was so focused on what I wanted that I disregarded what he wanted. He always wanted me to come home, be safe, be alive. He made me live again when I gave up all hope and almost let the depression consume me. Is this how I'm repaying him?

A bright light blinds me. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to adjust to the brightness opening them slowly. Sunrise. I must have fallen asleep or maybe I walked for a lot longer than I thought. Sunrise. I've never seen a more beautiful sunrise. The colors are bright – orange, red and yellow, chasing the dark blue of the night away, a promise of a new tomorrow, of renewal.

"I like spring," he said to me.

"Why?" I asked him.

"I guess, because it means renewal. No matter what happened the year before in spring you can start over again," he replied.

This conversation seems so long ago, but I remember each word as if he just spoke them to me.

"Stand up, Tris. Conquer your own summit."

I will, Tobias, I will.

A/N: And the grand finale coming soon. Stay with me for the final two chapters.

Do you think Tobias should have had survived the car accident? Or do you like the story better this way?