TA DA!
I got nothin' else. My brain is mush. Green mush…with spots.
Enjoy.
My Immortal – A Very English Commentary
Chapter Twenty Two – Woof Woof
AN: stfu! prepz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mr. noris itz raven's folt ok!11 u suk!1 no jus kidding raven u fokieng rok prepz suk!1
(Yeah, I'm not even going to attempt a translation there. All you need to know is it's something along the lines of "PREPZ SUK LOLOL RAVEN PREPS FUK YOU PREPZ LOL".)
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All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic. (I can't imagine that magic would be in any way miserable. Think of all the awesome crap you could do. Turn your teacher into a camel, turn the WBC into dung beetles...) Well anyway, I woke up the next day. I was in my coffin so I opened the door. I was wearing blak lacey leather pajamas.
Then I gasped. (Hardly surprising at this point. You've done basically nothing else this entire fic.)
Standing in front of me where…. B;loody Mary, Vampire, Diabolo, Draco, Dracula and Willow!
I opened my crimson eyes. (But…how did you see them if your eyes weren't open?)
Willow was wearing (Oh no…here we go again…) a tight black leather top with pictures of bloody roses all over it. Under that she wart a black poofy skirt wit lace on it and black gothic boots that was attached to the top. Vampire was wearing a baggy Simple Plan t-shirt and baggy black pants and Vans. Draco was wearing (This. Is. Still Going.) a black MCR t-shirt and blak jeans and a leather jacket. He looked just likee Gerard Way, and almost as fucking sexy. Vampire looked like Joel Madden. B'loody Mary was wearing (PRIMUS HELP ME! MAKE IT STOP!) a tight black poofy gothic dress that she had ripped so it showed of all her clearage with a white apron that said 'bich' and other swear words and MCR lyrics on it kind of like one dress I had seen Amy Lee wear once. Darkness (who is Jenny) (Who the frick is Jenny? Oh…wait…she means Ginny right?) was there too. She was weaving a ripped gothic black dress with ripped stuff all over it and a lace-up top thing and black pointy boots. So were Crab and Goyle.
It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle's dad was a vampire. (Of course he was.) He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. (Of course he did.) He had raped them and stuff before too. (Of course he did.) They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism.
(OF COURSE THEY DID.)
"OMFG" I yielded as I jumped up. "Why the fuck are u all here?"
"Enoby something is really fucked up." Draco said.
"OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first." I shouted angrily.
"Like emo goff fucking lol."
"Ah, fucking goff lol emo?"
"Emo…fucking."
"Goff."
(This is how my brain is interpreting the conversation.)
"It's all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. Your so fucking beautiful." Draco said in a sexy voice. *sigh*
"Oh all right." I said smiling. "But you have to tell me why your being all erective."
*Commentator giggles immaturely*
(I always said Draco was a prick.)
"I will I will." he said.
So I just put on some black eyeliner, black lipstick and red eyeshadow and white foundation. (Tara, you could have saved so much time by simply saying "I put on the makeup I always wear", but I suppose if you did that we'd lose half the story.)
Then I came. (That must've been some nice makeup.)
We all went outside the Great Hal (ALL HAIL THE GREAT AND WONDERFUL HAL!) and looked in from a widow. A fucking prep called Britney from Griffindoor was standing next to us. (RUN BRITNEY! The Emo Sues are loose!) She was wearing a pink mini and a Hilary Duff t-shirt so we put up our middle fingers at her. (Because obviously that's the mature and appropriate reaction to a Hilary Duff t-shirt.) Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledork. Cornelia Fudged was there shouting at Dumbledore. Doris Rumbridge was there too. (I can't really nitpick this bit. It's not like Tara made the names any stupider than they originally were.)
"THIS CANNOT BE!" she shouted angrily. "THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!"
(YEY CAPSLOCK!)
"THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!" yelled Cornelia Fudge.
(The Bark Lord also plans to take over the nearby city of Postmanville, and may well send his Bone Eaters to invade Treatsland, birthplace of many canine delicacies. His Foul Woofiness must be stopped at all costs. SEND HIM BACK HOME WITH HIS TAIL BETWEEN HIS LEGS!)
"YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!" yelled Rumbridge. "YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!"
(Kill the students, eh?)
(Meaning…all the Emo Sues will die right?)
(I see no issue with this. I now join His Mighty Woofiness in battle!)
"Very well." Dumbledore said angrily. "Butt (Heh…butts.) we cannot do this. We can't close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is...Enony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way."
(Oh great, Enoby has turned into Clara fucking Oswald.)
"I CAN SAVE EVERYTHING! LOL NO DOCTOR, I'LL DO IT 'CAUSE I'M OBVIOUSLY BETTER EQUIPPED TO DEAL WITH THIS SITUATION! I'M SOOOOOO IMPORTANT AND AWESOME!"
"But Clara, I'm well over a thousand years old. I've seen universes collapse and burn, and new ones rise from the ashes. I've fought Daleks and won, despite the impossible odds. I've wandered through the stars themselves, walked in the spaces between realities, and beaten gods with mere words alone. Surely I'm the one who should be the main star of this show."
"LOL NOPE. I'm the star. You're just my sidekick. I'm SO smart, I even said something different to all the other BORING companions when I first saw the TARDIS because I'm just THAT SPECIAL. And I cracked a code so complex even you couldn't do it. AND one measly leaf with the future I might have had with my mum was MOAR POWERFUL that all YOUR memories and experiences COMBINED! I'm just THAT special! LOOK HOW AWESOME AND CLEVER I AM! PRAISE MEEEEEE!"
(Yes, I know I'm ranting. No I don't care. It's relevant.)
Draco, Crab, Goyle, Darkness, Willow, Vampire and B'loody Mary looked at each other…I gasped.
(Good for you. Have an inhaler.)
*throws inhaler*
Bleh...this chapter wasn't that funny. Sorry, there's not much to work with. Next chapter should be much easier to spork. :)