"Dimitri," Alberta said, gesturing for him to take a seat before walking out from behind her desk to close her office door. "I need to speak with you about Rose."
Dimitri's pulse immediately quickened. Did she know?! But almost as soon as the thought occurred to him he pushed it away. Other than this morning, they'd been careful. She probably just wanted to see whether he'd managed to get through to Rose over the weekend.
"There's no easy way to put this. I know you and Rose are in an inappropriate relationship. I've had concerns for a little while, but someone came to visit me today to confirm it."
Dimitri's heart went from racing to standing still. He could feel his world crumbling in front of him. Not only was he about to lose Rose, but he was also going to lose everything he'd worked so hard to achieve. His good name and reputation, his unblemished record. All gone.
The two sat in silence for a minute.
"It's not what you think it is. We're very much in love," Dimitri whispered, closing his eyes and trying not to cry. "I know we shouldn't be, but we are."
Alberta nodded. It was some small relief that he cared for the girl – that he hadn't used her purely out of desire.
"I take it you weren't outdoor skills training on the weekend?" she asked.
"No," Dimitri said not meeting her eyes. "We kept trying to hold back but we couldn't. We wanted to be together, and I didn't want it to end up happening in the gym supply room because we couldn't control ourselves. I wanted it to be romantic and special. For her to feel cherished and loved."
"And that was the first time?" Alberta asked delicately.
"Yes," he replied, his head hung low. Speaking about it with Alberta made him realize how wrong he had been to delude himself that making love with Rose had in any way been ok. She was his student for hell's sake!
"Was it consensual? She went with you knowing that was what was planned?"
"I'm not a rapist," Dimitri growled. "I've done so much wrong, but not that!" He took a deep breath to calm down. "I would never hurt her, Alberta. I love her, and she loves me. It was a stupid thing to do; the weekend as well as falling in love. We both knew it was wrong, but we did it anyway. But I know the blame is all mine. I'm the adult. No matter how we felt, my job was to make sure nothing happened."
"Yes, it was," Alberta agreed, nonetheless feeling sorry for the tortured young man sitting in front of her. He was twenty-five. He'd be considered young in the human world, and it was hard to blame a young man for falling in love with a beautiful young woman when she so clearly felt the same way about him. That their regard was mutual had been obvious even during their staking practice.
"So what happens now?" Dimitri asked. "If there's anything that can be done to salvage her reputation or protect her, I'll do it. I'll say anything, claim to have done anything if it helps her."
Alberta looked at her table top, understanding his meaning.
"You seek reallocation. As quickly as possible. I can contain the situation from this end, but it has to end, and it has to end now. You can't let anyone know what's occurred. If you keep your silence then there shouldn't be any long-term damage," Alberta counseled. "You should both be able to walk away from this with your reputations and careers intact."
Dimitri nodded, tears spilling down his cheeks. "Thank you, Alberta. For her sake."
"What are you going to tell her?" Alberta asked, her heart saddened to see such a stoic man cry. "Will you tell her you were discovered?"
"No," said Dimitri, shaking his head. "If I tell her that her first response will be to take on the system head on. She'll ruin her reputation out of fury that this is the way things are for Dhampir. I'll tell her that I'm too worried about the potential consequences. That I love her but not enough to lose my job and my livelihood."
"She'll hate you," Alberta muttered, knowing full well Rose's passionate nature.
"I'd hate myself more if this got out and ruined her life," he said sadly. "I think I might be able to tee up an allocation immediately. There's an Academy plane leaving for Court tomorrow, and I plan to be on it. I don't want to tell her until it's settled and I'm leaving. Is that likely to jeopardize anything?"
"No that should be fine, Dimitri," she said, standing and coming around her desk to awkwardly give the young man a hug. He was doing his best to hide it, but she could see he was utterly destroyed. "I'm sorry this has happened, Dimitri, and I do understand. You won't be the first or the last guardian who's had to put duty ahead of love."
He nodded woodenly, wiping his face clear of tears. Giving Alberta's hand a final squeeze, he excused himself to go pack.
Two hours later he was knocking on Tasha's door in guest housing.
"Dimka!" she greeted cheerfully, her words dying on her lips when she took in the look on his face. "What's wrong?" she asked, pulling him into the tiny apartment.
"I've done something stupid, Tash," he said throwing his large form down onto the sofa.
"What's happened?" she asked in concern. "What have you done?"
"I've fallen in love with someone I can't have. Someone I'm not allowed to have," he moaned.
"Are you sure it's love? Maybe it's a crush, and you'll get over it?" Tasha argued, playing devil's advocate.
"It's not a crush. It's love, and she feels the same way. If I were in Baia and human, not dhampir, I would be picking out a ring and asking her father's permission," he clarified. "She is the first thing I think of in the morning and my last thought at night. She haunts my dreams and every waking thought."
"Then what's the problem?" Tasha pushed.
"She's dhampir. She has her commitments, and I have mine. And there are other reasons I can't go into why it can't work," he said, his voice sounding flat and dead. "I need to end it, and I need a reallocation as quickly as possible. I know it's a lot to ask after Christmas, but would you consider having me as your guardian until the next reallocation round in May? On a friends basis, I mean."
"Of course," Tasha said, concern written across her face. "But are you sure you don't want to reconsider this? Maybe you can work something out?"
"It's not possible," he said fatalistically. "Me loving her will ruin her life, and I love her too much to take away everything she's worked for."
Tasha nodded sympathetically. "Then let's get you out of here as soon as possible. The flight to Court is at 7 pm tomorrow – is that too soon?"
He shook his head. "No. I'm packed already."
Tasha tried to engage him in conversation, but once the particulars were organized, he begged off, retreating to the sanctuary of his room. He needed to let his family know, but he wasn't up to speaking so he texted his sister, Karolina, promising to call in a day or two. That completed he lay on his bed looking at the ceiling, trying to figure out how he was going to break Rose's heart tomorrow.
He hadn't slept a wink when the sun was lowering in the sky. Being early February, the sun still set early. It was nearly time for him to get ready to go to training, but he didn't want to. He couldn't bear what he knew was about to happen. He dressed in jeans and a sweater, moving his belongings down to the box room to collect on the way to the plane. With a final look around his now vacant dorm room, he walked to Alberta's office to hand in his keys.
Usually, Alberta started her work day at 7 pm, but as Dimitri walked along the administration corridor, he was unsurprised to see her office door open.
"My keys," he said, handing in his dorm and guardian keys.
"Ms. Ozera contacted me last night and explained you'd accepted an allocation with her. I've arranged Emil to pick you up from the front of the guardian dorms at 6.30 and then Ms. Ozera at 6.45 at Guest Quarters. He'll take you to the airfield."
"Thank you," Dimitri muttered. "Alberta? When I'm gone, I need you to look after her. Talk to her. She's still suffering after Spokane. Lissa doesn't have as much time for her these days, and all the spirit she's using practicing her magic effects Roza too. It somehow seeps through the bond, so Roza needs to keep training to work off the effects – it helps."
"I'll be there for her, I promise," Alberta said. "Always have been, always will be."
"I doubt she'll be ok for classes. At a guess I think she'll go to Mason's gravesite, but if not try the roof above her dorm window or the abandoned common room on the fourth floor with a broken lock."
"I'll find her," Alberta promised.
He'd barely reached the gym when Rose came bounding in. Her hair up in a ponytail, wearing tight leggings, a crop top, and a hoody, Dimitri was momentarily stunned by her beauty. Even in boring workout clothes, she was breathtaking.
"Morning Comrade," she chirped happily, taking a quick look around her before brushing her lips across his. "I missed you last night," she said with a smile.
"Rose, come sit here with me," he said, walking over to a wooden bench at the side of the gym. "I need to talk to you."
Rose looked at him carefully, for the first time noticing his casual clothes and his somber expression. "Is everything ok, Comrade? You're scaring me?"
He shook his head, looking at the floor.
"No. Everything's not ok. This has to end, Rose. We can't keep seeing each other; the stakes are just too high. If we're discovered, I'll lose my job and probably be charged. You could kiss any chance of a career goodbye. I love you so much, but the risk is too great."
"Then we won't get caught," Rose said in alarm. "We'll stay away from each other if that's what it takes. It's four months. I can do it if I have to. If I know you love me, I can do anything," she promised, grabbing his hand.
"It's too late, Rose. It's in every look we give each other. People are bound to notice. I'm drawn to you, and I know you feel the same way. The only way to stop it is for me to leave. I've accepted a new allocation, and I'm leaving today."
"You're leaving me?" Rose said in the tiniest voice. She couldn't believe what she was hearing.
"Do you understand why?" he asked, his chocolate brown eyes looking into hers. The eyes that could read her heart. Her soul. Could he see he was ripping both apart with every word he uttered?
"I understand, but I don't accept," she said, trying to keep her voice steady. "You told me that you'd give us a chance? You said this last week has been the happiest of your life," she moaned, not comprehending why or where this decision had come from. "Our night together was so perfect. At least it was for me. Did I do something wrong? Was it not good for you?" she whispered.
He shook his head, tears welling in his eyes. "Milaya, it was perfect. Every moment with you has been pure bliss. I've never known joy like it. But I should never have let it happen. We have no future together, Rose," he muttered. "You know that. And thanks to my stupidity, now instead of what ifs we're going to know exactly what we're missing. How incredible things could have been had things been different for us. And I have no idea how we're going to live with that."
"But where will you go?" Rose asked.
"I've accepted Tasha's offer. Just until the May allocations round. I need to get out of here ASAP."
"You're leaving me for her," Rose said, understanding on her face. "I always thought you would."
"No Roza, it's not like that. I'm never going to feel about her the way I do about you. I will be her guardian, but nothing more."
"You say that now," Rose said bitterly, "but things change. People change."
"Me loving you is never going to change, milaya. I'm always going to love you."
"So you say. But not enough."
"Can't you see I'm trying to protect you?" he wailed in anguish, seeing defeat enter her small frame. He could literally see the light leaving her eyes; as though each of her tears carried her love and admiration for him down her cheeks to ruination on the lacquered gym floor. He wanted to kiss her. Hold her in his arms and protect her from the hurt his words were inflicting. But he couldn't – so instead he sat impotently on the bench, his hands in fists trying to hold himself together.
With her final bit of strength, Rose stood up.
"Stay safe, Comrade," she said wearily. "Thank you for caring for me. Even if it was just for a few days, it was nice to believe that just for a moment I could be someone's number one."
She shouldered her gym bag and walked to the gym exit, not looking back.
"I'm sorry, Roza," Dimitri said to her retreating form.
"No, I'm sorry. I wish I'd been enough for you," she said, walking out into the sun's fading rays. "If I had been, maybe you would have stayed."
With the gym at her back, Rose walked aimlessly. She didn't know where she wanted to be, just where she didn't. Tears blurring her eyes, Rose didn't notice Alberta standing amongst the edge of trees. The older woman followed her from at a distance, stopping once she divined the direction of her steps. As Dimitri had predicted, Rose was going to Mason's gravesite. It was a long way from the Academy buildings, but it was within the wards. She'd be safe enough there.
Doubling back to the gym, Alberta cautiously made her way inside. Still sitting on the timber bench, Dimitri had his head in his hands, tears falling in a guilty deluge. Clearing her throat to announce her presence, she walked over to the heartbroken man.
"How is she?" she asked.
"She's shattered, Alberta. She thinks she's not good enough. The kindest most selfless person I know - the woman I love with all my heart - and she thinks she's not worthy of being loved."
"She's young. It will take time, but she'll heal. There are a lot of other people who love and care for her," Alberta reassured him.
"I hope so," he moaned. "Because I just broke her heart."
If Emil noticed Dimitri's red-rimmed eyes when he stopped in front of the guardian dorms an hour later, he didn't mention it. And Dimitri was grateful he didn't have to say anything. Wordlessly they loaded Dimitri's single suitcase and one moving box into the trunk of the Honda Pilot, the same one he and Rose had used over the weekend. Climbing into the passenger seat, Dimitri saw a single dark hair-tie in the center console. Rose's. She'd left it there on the trip back. He picked it up, loosening his hair before retying it with her dark elastic. Other than a single photo and a heart full of memories and regrets, it was all he had of her.
Tasha looked cheerful when they pulled up outside Guest Quarters. Wearing a pair of skinny jeans, a tight sweater, and a cute waist length leather jacket, Emil noticed the raven-haired Moroi had gone to quite a bit of effort to look nice. But if it were for Dimitri's benefit she might as well not have bothered. He barely looked up, simply stepping out of the vehicle to collect her baggage and courteously hold the rear door open for her. Once she was seated, he closed the door, returning to the passenger seat.
"Morning Dimitri!" she said happily.
"Tasha," he acknowledged, still not meeting her eyes.
"Are you looking forward to Court?" she asked, pretending not to notice his inattentiveness. "I have a few days leave left, so we could hang out there before returning to Minneapolis? Or we could go home almost straight away so you can settle in? There's probably a few things we'll need to pick up now we'll be living together!"
"Whatever you want," Dimitri said. He honestly couldn't give a shit where they went.
"Ok, we'll decide when we get there!" she said merrily.
At the airstrip, they quickly loaded their luggage onto the plane. Four Moroi parents and their guardians were returning to Court hence the opportunity to catch a ride. The Moroi seated themselves in the largest most comfortable seats at the front, Dimitri and the other guardians quickly searching the cabin and washroom for threats before seating themselves at the back. Tasha was standing hesitantly, waiting for Dimitri to take a seat so she could seat herself beside him. Dimitri knew he couldn't cope with three hours of Tasha, so he intentionally took a window seat, immediately offering the seat beside him to another guardian.
Staring out the window as they taxied along the runway, they were soon in the air, looping low over the campus before climbing into the sky. Dimitri didn't know whether he really saw it, or whether it was a figment of his imagination, but in the dying rays of the sun, he thought he saw a solitary forlorn figure lying curled on their side in the fenced graveyard at the edge of campus. A girl. His girl.