"You watchin' a movie alone?" I see his black shoes and smell his clean scent wafting down the stairs, filling the room.
The tension from earlier has dissipated, leaving us with a much cooler vibe.
"Yep." I look back to the screen.
"You just gonna hang here tonight?" I eye his black watch as his hand trails the back of the couch. He smiles down at me, while walking to the other side.
I turn back to the tv, "Yeah, Jess and I trade houses all the time. You didn't know that?" I try to sound funny, a little happier than I actually feel. And with each word of Hazel Grace's eulogy, my face betrays me. My chin starts to tremble… my throat closes, I know it's coming whether I want it to or not. I beg my body not to do it. Not to let me start crying, because if I cry right now over this movie, I'll cry for everything that's ever affected me in my life. But most of all, I'll cry over losing Charlie.
And before I can say one last prayer to keep my cool, a tear slips out and slides down my cheek.
It's over.
He sits down beside me.
"Hey...everything okay?" He spreads his arm out behind me, scooting closer.
"I'm good." I say just staring at the screen, hoping that he can't see the tear stream down the other side.
"You don't look like everything is good." He leans over, scanning my face.
"Hey…" He strokes my cheek and I swear if he comes closer I won't be able to contain myself any further, I really just want him to stop talking and leave. I don't wanna cry in front of him. I don't want to cry at all.
"I didn't mean to be harsh, Bella." He strokes my other cheek now. "The last thing I wanted to do was upset you or make you cry… jesus, girl, come here." He grabs my shoulder and looks back to the tv before I can respond, picking up the remote and clicking the channel to change it. "And why are you watching this sad, girly shit?" He makes a disgusted face.
I laugh a little at him for making fun of my choice and I speak, "It isn't you or anything you said, I promise." I wipe my face and sigh in frustration.
"Well, what is it then? You can talk to me."
If I keep talking I'm scared I'll sob but I continue, "It's just this stupid movie and Charlie and it's so hard to be there alone sometimes, you know?" He stays silent, listening and looking on with sweet eyes.
And now I sound like that the sob story girl that's begging for attention, fuck. So I shake my head, wipe my face and just say, "I'm fine," but my trembling voice and traitor tears break free.
Briggs stands, pulling the blanket from me and holds out his hands. When I put both of mine in his, he pulls me to stand, bringing my body to his, hugging me softly while grabbing my head, stroking my hair, resting my cheek against his chest, and I can't help it. I cry.
I cry lightly at first, but as he sways me in his arms it comes rushing out. And he holds me while I shake and sob.
This is the best feeling and the worst at the same time.
"I hate this. I hate crying, I'm sorry."
"Hey," he speaks so softly to me. "You gotta let it out. That shit will eat you alive if you don't." He continues to hold my head to his chest, softly swaying as he whispers, "Just let it out." And I move my hands from where they're cradled against his chest, bringing them around, clinging to him.
I try to control it, but the sobs shake me and with each shake, he holds me tighter.
I haven't broken down like this since the day we buried Charlie and I feel pissed at myself for being so weak like this. I'm sure Briggs has more important things to be doing than this right now so I try to get my breathing back to normal, taking deep breaths.
Minutes later, Briggs speaks when my sobs quiet and my breathing evens out. "I know what it feels like, Bella." His hand strokes my hair. "I lost both of my parents at sixteen."
Not only is that much worse than my situation, that's devastating, and moreover, it's news to me. Jess never mentioned it. I guess all the miles and middle school took precedence over a lot of the years.
He continues while my mind races, "It's like your whole world changes when your parents are gone. Your foundation is swept out from under you, leaving you flat on your back. No direction, no security, nothing but questions, anger, frustration, and fucking pain. I know how you feel." His thumb strokes the side of my face softly as I rest against his chest. He sways and holds tight.
Just when I've got my tears under control, another rises to the surface. Not for me this time. For him. I reach up to the back of his neck, where the shaved hair is soft, and his chain hangs around.
He continues consoling me and while I hate myself right now, I like Briggs more than ever before. My respect for him was already high, but now? He's just a good guy.
He speaks softly to me again and I continue stroking the back of his neck... trying to somewhat console his pain as he places mine first. "I promise you it gets better. You won't ever get over it, but the pain will lessen. You just have to allow yourself to feel it first. That's the key, baby. You've got to feel the pain before it will ever go away."
"I hate it, Briggs. I hate the way it feels. This huge hole I have. The guilt I have for not spending enough time with him." He quiets me instantly.
"Shhh…" He speaks gently, stroking my hair, "Stop. You can't do that. You can't allow yourself to carry all that shit around? All that unnecessary guilt? You think Charlie would've wanted that?"
When I don't speak he leans back and pulls my chin to look up at him.
"I knew Charlie, Bella. I know that's the last thing he would want."
I blink with a nod and he releases me to wipe my tears. He's so gentle and so sweet and I'm so embarrassed when I see his shirt.
"Oh my god. I soaked your shirt. I'm so sorry."
He holds my chin, lifting my eyes to his pretty blues, "If you say the words I'm sorry again, you really will be, got it? There's nothing to be sorry for, I've got you, okay? I know you feel like nobody understands... because your friends are young and their parents are all still alive, but I get it, okay? You don't have to explain yourself to me." He's got his arms draped around my lower back, not letting me go and I'm thankful.
"You've just gotta allow yourself to feel it. It won't get better if you don't."
I look up at him as the tv strobes light over us both. "I hate to feel."
He smiles at me releasing me from his hold and I want it back immediately.
"You and I are a lot alike, you know?" He takes my hand in his and pulls me towards the door. "Come on, I know what'll make you feel better."
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I see where we're headed and a thrill rushes through me as we make our way to his bike.
I straddle his steel, grab tight to him and once again, we head into the ink black night.
When we've made it out of town and the only thing around are the dark mountainous hills ahead, I hold tight to him as he presses full throttle.
As we whip through the wind, the stars stretch out over the expanse above, shining bright.
There's not a feeling that compares to riding on a motorcycle. It's a rush that's freeing. It's exhilarating… mind-numbingly nice. The wind on your face, whipping your hair into a wild frenzy, the rumble of the power between your legs.
And this is how we end the last hour of the night… the way we began weeks ago, on the back of his bike.
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About an hour later, we're back and he cuts the motor, stepping off. He turns to help me… placing one hand in mine and his other hand on my thigh, "You okay now?" He's black on black on beautiful, with those silver tags gleaming and that perfectly chiseled face looking at me intently.
"Yeah, I'm good... so much better now." I smile up to him as he helps me off. "Thank you, Briggs."
"You don't have to thank me." We walk towards Jess's porch, side by side. "I gotta get back to The Clubhouse, but you know you're welcome to stay here." He stops, looking down to me.
"Yeah, I know… I should probably head home though." I turn towards my car.
When I feel his hand around my wrist, I turn to him.
"Hey listen... don't let me, or anything I said earlier, be the reason why you don't stay here tonight. Nothing has to change, okay? I just had to say it, you know?"
"Yeah, I know. I know what you mean." I feel shy, but I love that he cares.
"You sure you're alright?" He puts a strand of hair behind my ear.
"I promise, I'm good. You don't know how much I needed that."
"I do. Why d'you think I own a bike?" We share a smile as he backs away towards it.
"Bella?"
"Yeah?"
"Be safe, please."
"What do you mean?"
"The Clubhouse. It's not the safest place for you to be. I'm not trying to tell you what to do or anything, and I'm not saying you can't take care of yourself. I'm simply saying that I want you to be safe, and lately you've been showing up there."
"Why would Jake ask me to come up there if I'm not safe?"
He looks at his watch and back to me, coming back up to me, speaking almost at a whisper. He grabs my hand before he speaks, "He doesn't mean anything by it. Sometimes Jake is a little too optimistic. Where I see everything that can go wrong, he doesn't look at it that way. I don't want you to think I'm saying that Jake would put you in danger. For one, I wouldn't let that happen. But The Clubhouse isn't safe, Bella. For any of us. You understand what I'm saying?"
"Yeah." I nod up to him.
"Alright, I gotta get outta here," He says, pulling me to him, nuzzling my head into his neck and hugging me bye.
When he let's me go he says, "One last thing before I go." I look up to him in question.
He smiles, pinching my cheek. "Smile for me?"
And I do, because he makes me happy. Everything about him.
I watch him get on his bike and ride out. I think about what he said about the Clubhouse as I get into my car and drive home. What could be so unsafe about that place?
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The sun is sinking and the tall skinny trunks of palms stretch up to the sky, where their branches blossom at the top as we drive.
Alice is driving, Angela's right beside her and I'm stretched across the backseat. We're headed to the diner. Alice has to have a slice of apple pie, she's been talking about it all afternoon.
The feeling is fun and free.
Because I'm on the sauce again.
Lately, it's getting harder, not easier.
I hate living alone. I hate looking at Briggs with want and feeling guilty about it. I like the thrill of Jake chasing me, but he's not the one I truly want so I just spend my days settling.
Being in Charlie's house, with Charlie's things is weighing heavily. And it's not really that much stuff, it's all packed away in the room in the back. The door stays closed. It's just... it's all his. And it's hollow. I thought I was fine. But this time alone hasn't led to progression. I actually think I'm getting worse.
But I don't talk about it.
I just smile and pretend, anticipating the next chance I'll get to feel numb. Unfortunately, the only way to get where I want to be are through alcohol or sex.
Preferably a combination.
Nothing completely does it.
The moments that I'm alone with Briggs really help though. I don't think about anything when I'm with him. And we don't have sex. And I'm not usually drinking when we're around each other. He's easy. Ever since that night at Jess's... it's been different for us, we've become friends. But there's some times, when I look at him, and he looks back to me, I can see something. This small hint of something there, that he's feeling but can't say. It's those silent moments we share that we end up saying the most. For me, it's torture... but I continue on, because that's how he wants it.
I see Jake on occasion, he's always busy though so when I do see him, he's there one minute and gone the next. He still excites me. I'm not only attracted to him physically, but I like how he isn't clingy and though he did pull the girlfriend card on me, he doesn't crowd me.
He sends charming texts and calls me with a breathy voice when he's craving a replay of our first night. My stomach flips when I picture his pretty eyes.
Alice pulls into the full parking lot and we hop out, heading for the door. I follow closely behind them and when Alice opens the door, I see a familiar mess of apple butter hair that's skittered through my mind several times since the last time I saw him.
Edward's coming out as we enter and he holds the door for me to go on in. I tell Alice and Angela that I'll be along in a minute and I look up to him and ask, "Can I talk to you for a second?"
He gestures to the parking lot and says, "After you."
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A/N: Edward says he'll see you next time :)