With my cheek to his neck, and my chin on his shoulder, it feels exhilarating as we ride under a navy sky that glows bright with stars.
At least one star falls about every four minutes on the ride, sometimes increasing to a few per minute, but I can't catch them all while riding.
We ride deep into the hills and when he comes upon a large boulder off to the side, he pulls into the sand beside it.
After the bike is parked and we're off, I look up to the huge sky above. It's insanely beautiful and clear. A perfect night for this. The air is crisp, not cold… it's comfortable.
He takes my hand, tugging me towards the boulder— pointing to the place we're headed.
I carefully place my foot in the notches as he holds onto me. We climb on top of the smallest boulder that connects to the larger one.
The thought of Briggs most likely staring at my asscheeks hanging out of these shorts as he follows me from below, gives me a devious thrill. The thought of him seeing me, makes me wonder if I do to him what he does to me.
Once we reach the highest, flattest peak where we sit side by side, knees tucked to our chests, we take in the sky.
It's amazing up here, we can see it all. No city lights to interfere, just us, the desert, the moon and the stars.
I catch a glow skitter through the darkness and I point.
"Did you see that one?" I ask him with a smile on my face, noticing him staring at me.
"Nah. I missed it."
"Look over there, near the little dipper." I point above and to the right and he lays back, stretching his legs out, putting his hands behind his head.
I do the same.
We're quiet, just watching. Scared that our voices might scare the stars away.
Just then, a tiny yellow burst catches my eye and we both see it this time. Another, glowing white streak follows just seconds after and there's nothing more inspirational and wondrous. It's a feeling that fills me up and overwhelms. Happiness.
"Makes me think of Charlie." I say quietly.
"I was just thinking of my parents." He speaks up.
"Can I ask you a question?" I say and he sits up on his elbows, answering, "Of course," before looking back to me.
His face shines under the moonlight and his sheer beauty takes my voice for a minute.
"You have to be honest with me, okay? Promise the truth, no funny stuff, I want a real answer, deal?"
"Bella, I'll only ever tell you what's true." He says this with a serious face, his eyes burning into mine.
"Only what's true?"
"Yeah… what's true."
I look back out, lifting my head a little more to the right, noticing how this one star twinkles so much faster than the others.
"Where do you see yourself in the future, and don't laugh, I'm serious."
He chuffs. "Am I for hire now? Is this an interview?"
"No, I'm serious." I slide over just close enough that I can nudge him with my elbow. "You don't ever think about the future? What's going to happen to you, where you'll end up?"
"I think about that shit all the time. But, I just can't see that far ahead. Never been able to. I make goals, stick to them and just keep on."
He adjusts his watch and puts his other hand behind his head. "I mean, I know that I won't be doing this shit for the rest of my life. Won't be living here forever."
"So, you're gonna leave San An?"
"I can't stay in this town, Bella." He looks away. "It's so fucking suffocating sometimes. Plus, my grandfather's in New York, deteriorating as we speak. Pretty sure I'll be getting out of this town sooner than later."
My heart is sinking by the second but I take advantage of this and ask another question, "What's wrong with him?"
"He's dying. Cancer. Chemo and radiation pretty much killed his brain. So on top of cancer, he's got dementia too. He might not even remember me by the time I get out there, but I've got shit I have to take care of here before I can just take off, you know?"
I nod at him, "Briggs, I'm so sorry."
He speaks immediately over me, like he doesn't want my sympathy. "I'm named after him, you know?"
"No… I don't know." I smile at him as another trail of stardust falls over the desert sands. "What's your whole name?" I ask him.
"First off, two rules. What we say here, stays here. And only what's true."
"Got it."
He smirks at me, "Brigham Elijah Hendry. The third."
"Brigham." I smirk back over at him. "I like that."
He smiles, picking up a small pebble, tossing it off to the side.
"So you're leaving." I say this in a defeated tone because that's exactly how I feel. The thought of him leaving, leaves me with no air.
"I'm not leaving right now, but I will eventually. I don't have much of a choice. Besides a few annoying cousins, Jess, and my aunt Tanya, he's really the only family I've got left. My grandmother died a few years back and I haven't been to see him since. I need to go help with his estate and be there for him before he's gone and I don't have that opportunity anymore." He shifts a little and continues, "Plus, with all the heat right now, it's just what's best."
"For how long?"
"I honestly don't know. However long it takes, I guess."
We're quiet for a few minutes while that sinks in and the sky continues to fall on us.
"So when you said this town was suffocating, what'd you mean by that?"
He grabs another pebble, tossing it off the edge. "I think everyone has a capacity for bullshit and I've been over capacity for about a year now. It's changing me in a way I don't like."
"I don't understand."
"It's not important." He steers the conversation, " I've got a question for you now. And same rules apply to you...only what's true."
"Only what's true," I repeat back to him. "I don't have any reason to lie to you, Briggs."
His face is stone when he speaks, "Do you love him?"
"Who? Jake?" I look at him a little surprised that he's asking me this, so I'm smiling at him, but he isn't smiling back.
"No. Far from it."
I switch positions to get more comfortable, the hard boulder underneath is only separated by the thin sheath of my shorts and panties, hard and rough beneath me.
"I like Jake. I like him a lot. He's kind, he's sweet and I'm attracted to him, but that word has never even crossed my mind when I think about him."
"What about you? Are you with anyone? Is there someone that you love? And only what's true, your words." I give him a pointed look.
"That was three questions. Which one do you want answered, because you're only getting the answer to one of those."
"Okay, do you have a girlfriend?"
"No. My last relationship ended about nine months ago."
I quietly watch the sky before speaking up.
"Bad breakup?"
"I think it probably was for her, but for me it was a clean break. She was a bit of a wild card, a little more than I bargained for. Well, you know how she is. You know her."
"Who?"
"Rose."
"Holy shit, she's picking me up tomorrow, are you serious?" I had no idea. And Rose and I have been hanging a lot lately. She hasn't mentioned this. I mean, I noticed how she looked at him before we went out to that party that night, but damn. This is news.
He's silent while I contemplate this new info. She's gorgeous, it just makes sense that they would hook up.
"Did you love her?" I've gotta know.
"I wouldn't say that I loved her. I cared about her. Still do. I don't want anything bad to happen to her. I mean, I still look out for her from far away. I just couldn't keep her under control. She's all over the place, and for someone like me, that's a liability. I don't have time for that shit. She gets loaded and goes from zero to sixty quicker than a kawasaki."
"I think Rose is fun. We've actually gotten pretty close, but I had no idea that you two had history."
"I wouldn't call it that, but back to Jake. I asked you that because I've felt a little shady about our conversation weeks ago."
I pull my hoodie over my legs and cross my ankles. "It's cool, I understand."
"He's not a bad guy. I want you to know that. I didn't mean to give you the wrong idea that night."
"No, I know."
"He's had a rough go. I get what makes him tick— why he is the way he is."
"What do you mean?"
"I just mean that most of the shit he did when he was younger, he did out of misplaced anger towards his dad."
"What did his dad do to him?"
"He used to beat the shit out of him. Since he was a small kid. He'd get drunk, pick on him, pick a fight. Whatever he could do to take his frustrations out on Jake, he'd do it."
"That's awful."
"Jake was a twisted kid because of it. He held it all in, just letting it build, like a pressure cooker. He'd pick fights with guys just to let the steam off when it got to be too much, but for the most part, he just carried it. And no one knew about it."
"I can't believe my dad was friends with a man like that."
"Your dad was a friend to everyone, Bella."
He reaches for my finger and twirls his pinkie around mine. Comforting me.
"When Jake got old enough— big enough to take him, he did. And that was the end of it. Jake was finally able to release all that pent up frustration, anger and hate onto the one person that it was truly meant for. But by that time, it was too late. Jake had burned so many bridges that he didn't have a good name in this town. Never would. He's a good guy. He's made some mistakes, but he isn't a bad guy. But aside from that, I still worry about you when you come around. Even after I told you how dangerous it is… you still come around."
My teeth start to chatter as I speak, "I don't feel in danger there, Briggs. And sometimes I just wanna have fun."
Briggs sits up just then, looking at me with his arm held out. "Come here, you're shivering."
I scoot over and nestle into his side as he puts his arm around me and pulls me back, where we're laying side by side.
The leather of his jacket is cold and I almost ask him to take it off so I can feel his body heat, but he beats me to it. He sits us both up, taking it off and putting it over my legs.
His strong arms tuck me back into his side and I smile as tiny flutters of happiness and contentment fizz through my veins.
This is the most intimate that we've ever been, laying side by side, hugged up like this. I guess since we've discussed this invisible barrier of friendship that we're supposed to keep, it's easier to touch each other, talk to each other and be close to one another under the guise that it's all platonic, but to me, I know it's different.
I love his warmth, his breath, his smell, his everything.
I exhale and let out a sigh of comfort.
"That good, huh?"
"Yes. You're so warm."
"We can go, it's just gonna get colder and you're pretty much naked from the waist down."
"Are you kidding me? We're sitting on the boulder of truth. We're not leaving here until I know everything about you."
He laughs and it shakes me beside him, making me smile.
His hand tucks my arm closer into his side and he brings my chin up to look at him.
"We don't have to be here to say what's true. I'll never lie to you, Bella. About anything."
My cheeks flame at the closeness.
I'm colder now and his warmth is addictive, and so I bring my legs into his.
"Is this alright?"
I ask him, looking up.
"It's more than alright. It's so alright that it's almost wrong."
"I'm sorry." I start to inch away.
He grabs tight, not letting me move.
"Don't move. Just stay."
I do what he says and we lie in silence, watching the stars dart back, forth and across the sky.
His fingers gently rub my arm and I get more comfortable by the minute, my body becoming more alive by the minute.
We watch as streaks of light burst through the sky and I can't help but feel thankful for this moment. From the side of his ribcage, I can feel Briggs' beating heart. And it's everything. His breathing is even, as mine speeds up, along with my heart rate. The thought that I could climb on top of him right now and test everything sounds loudly in my mind. The want to feel him that way is strong, but the thought of messing up what we have is more terrifying to me than not making a move, so I don't.
I don't think I could handle his rejection.
So I ask him another question instead.
"Do you want kids?"
"Of course."
"Me too." I point to Orion"s belt and continue, "But I'm like you, I can't see that far ahead. I just know I want it one day."
He puts his hand up to mine as I point to the sky. We place our hands palm to palm and he lets each of his fingers drape over my own… showing me how much bigger his hands are than mine.
"You've still got a lot of time, Bella. But me? I remember years ago, thinking that I wanted a kid more than anything. A family to come home to. The american dream. Money, a family… the good life. But that's just it. In my line of work, there are days that are uncertain. I won't make the mistake of bringing a kid into my world, just to get locked up, or killed. Leaving them behind like I was left. I don't wish that on anyone, much less a son or daughter."
It's dark up here on this boulder, but there's enough light from the moon for me to see the silhouette of his face, the moon shining on his lips, nose and cheeks and the twinkle in his eyes.
"That's a pretty sad way to look at it, I mean... all of us are gonna die at some point, Briggs. Not just you?"
"Not everyone ups their chances of death three-fold, on the daily like me, Bella."
"I don't understand it. I mean, what is it that's so dangerous about The Clubhouse? What's so dangerous about your day-to-day that you risk a happy future? You risk love, you risk it all, Briggs?"
Just then a bright meteor arcs horizontally through the sky, and we momentarily stare in silence. Our heads are lifted, we're propped on elbows now, searching the sky... in awe of how the entire horizon just lit up with that one. Scared to speak, because it might happen again, but our voices could tilt everything.
After a few minutes of silence pass, Briggs looks over to me and puts a piece of my hair behind my ear and then touches my cheek, smiling at me. "I think you're alright, you know that?"
"Just alright?"
"Yeah. You're alright with me."
He jumps up standing above me with his hand reached out to me. "We better roll so I can get you back without frostbite."
"That's not fair. You changed the subject and deflected so you didn't have to answer my question."
I grab his hand and he pulls me up as we look out one last time before descending.
We ride as the sky showers us with stardust and I hold on tighter than ever before. His words about leaving sit heavily on my chest.
.
.
.
He pulls to my front door this time instead of taking me back to Jess's and walking me. After he helps me off, he walks me to the door and when I get it unlocked, he asks me a question before I go in.
"So, tell me what's true right now?"
I look at him and tell him the only thing that really is true right now.
"I don't want you to go to New York." I lean against the doorframe and ask, "What's true for you right now?"
"I want you to smile for me." And he smiles, waiting.
So I do.
And he comes close, sending my heart into what feels like spirals, bringing his soft lips to my cheek. Stopping just where the corner of my lips meet. It only lasts a millisecond, but I feel more awake now, than ever before as I watch him turn to leave.
I climb the stairs of my empty house and grab my phone, lit up with texts from Rose.
beach tomorrow, I'll pick you up at 11am.
oh! talked to my guy… he's got the good stuff ready to go for the drag this weekend.
The drag… a once exciting plan to dethrone Edward as the king of Bella mind games, doesn't seem so thrilling anymore after being with Briggs tonight. Each time I'm around him, I feel a little more of myself falling for him. Knowing that he's focusing on getting out of this town means that I need to set my sights away from him though.
I just don't know how to pretend that he's not always on my mind.
I need distractions.
Story of my life.
I send Rose a text that I'll see her tomorrow and peel off my clothes, wrapping myself in sheets, hoping for sleep to take me and that my dreams will give me a Brigham Elijah Hendry that I can actually have.
.
.
.
A/N: I'm spiffing up the next chapter right now. I appreciate every word, and hey, if you want visuals and a spoiler or two visit the tumblr blog for this story at exexboyfriend dot tumblr dot com