Disclaimer - The plan begins. Until it is complete , I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

It was a crisp morning as I walked into my department. A week had progressed since the last laundry day, and Private Blackhammer was lying asleep on the floor. After a couple of weapon misfires, he has been transferred to my department permanently. I believe that there had also been issues with him not getting enough sleep. Disgraceful.

Private Blackhammer, on the other hand, has gained a sense of discipline under my wing. As I entered, he stood up and saluted. 'Sir, I've got the clothes for washing ready.'

'Excellent. Anything incorrectly placed?' I asked him.

'Just the one thing, sir. I've put it on your desk.'

'Thank you, private.' It occurred to me I should learn his name at some point. 'I'll start the washing soon, just let me have a look at this.'

I went into my office, and stopped in my tracks. For you see, I had expected a new privates uniform. Something forgivable, if still terrible. But in my wildest nightmares, I had not expected what I saw before me.

For you see, before me on my desk was a red cloak!

The same red cloak as I had seen before. The one used by the Fullmetal Alchemist.

'Private, Blackhammer.' I said, rage barely under my control. 'please could you go take a message to Corporal Brightsilver. Could you ask her for the last known location of the Fullmetal Alchemist.'

Private Blackhammer gulped. 'Yes sir!' He saluted, and immediately left.

I began to do the laundry. After all, I did my duty to perform. But when that was done, I would seek justice upon the Fullmetal Alchemist!

'The Fullmetal Alchemist again?' Corporal Brightsilver asked. 'I'm surprised he did it again.'

'Truly, that boy has no respect. Well, he will learn, one way or the other!' I replied.

'He's been assigned to Colonel Mustang for the last while now, but he's gone back to East City.' Corporal Brightsilver told me. 'I'm not sure where they are. They're not currently under any military commands.'

This was worrying. Would these fiends disappear into the world around, forever taunting me? I could not allow this challenge to my dignity go!

'Oh wait, here's something.' Corporal Brightsilver continued. 'He tried to claim a ticket for Lior. He said he was delayed on military business. He was denied though.'

A clue! 'Tell me, when was this claim made?'

'The date's on it is yesterdays.'

'Thank you.' So they were heading for Lior! I knew that I would need much preparation to be able ti complete this grave task. For instance, where is Lior?

A quick check of a map revealed that Lior was a town on the eastern border of Amestris, close to the eastern desert. This meant it was quite a distance from Central – any train would take at least a few days to reach it. I somehow had to catch up to trains going there before it reached Lior.

With my equipment all rolled up and ready to go, I sprinted to train station. There was a queue at the ticket office, but I barged past the crowds, shouting 'Military business! Let me through!' And it was true, dammit! I don't care what the general I pushed aside thought!

I finally got the office, and asked. 'When was the last train to Lior? Where will it be now?'

The ticketter was bemused for a second, then said 'There was one that left last night. It will be half way to East City by now.'

This was getting worse and worse! 'I need to catch up to that train!' I said. I wondered how much leeway I had to stop the train somewhere, but thankfully the ticketter had a solution. 'Sir, the train to Lior has an overnight stop in East City to refuel. You might be able to catch up with it, if you are willing not to sleep.'

He said the last part jokingly. But the joke was on him! Sleeping is for those with no justice to give! 'I'll take the next train to East City then.'

I bought my ticket, and got on the train which left a few minutes later. I had many hours to wait, as the train rolled eastwards. I took the opportunity to attempt knitting a gun. My research has been filled with disappointment.

The train arrived in East City at dawn the next day. Thankfully, I had previously checked what platform the train to Lior was on. As I crossed over to platform 12 (this was the platform that the train to Lior was on), I saw the train was already departing! Truly, it seems that fate confounds me at every turn!

But still, it cannot stop a man from doing his duty! With a flash of my cloak, I transmuted my whip forward. The whip had a couple of metal hooks upon it, allowing it to cut into the metal surface of the train. I then transmuted my cloak, forming a sail as the train took off, allowing me to fly up into the air, the train propelling me along as I flew.

The wind was stronger than I thought it would be, and were I not tied to my whip I fear I would have fallen away by the forces around me. Eventually however, I managed to pull myself up towards the train, where I hung on to the sides.

Of course, safety must come first. I tied myself to a piece of metal on the side of the train, my intention being to tie and untie it as I went across the cars. I peered into the first carriage. 'My apologies, madam.' I said to a woman inside, her child pointing at me. 'Patriotic duty calls.' I checked the carriage, looking for the offending individual. No luck. I pulled myself along to the next carriage.

I must confess that I did not find them in any of the carriages. At the third car, a voice shouted from the entrance to the car. 'Excuse me, what are you doing here?' I turned, to see the hulking figure of the Fullmetal Alchemists brother, Alphonse Elric!

I whipped out one of my cloth whips, sending it towards the metal figure. Since my last encounter with him, I had thought about ways in which to combat him and similar suits of walking armour. After all, imagine the terror they could cause! A family has a suit of armour as a decoration, and then suddenly it comes alive during dinner and attacks people, or asks to sit down without being invited!

My logic was that as a suit of armour, he his hollow. This means, if the helmet is exposed, then I it allows one to get material within the armour, so I can tie them up. The whip had another hook upon it, slamming into the helmet, catching it. I pulled it back, flipping the head into my hands.

'Hey! Give me my head back!' The metal armour cried. But I was ready to give it back! I leaped forward, transmuting my cloak as I went, flowing it into the centre of the armour and poking through joints, tying it around the metal arms. I landed next to the tied figure, and placed the helmet back on Alphonse. 'Stay here, I will deal with your brother shortly.' The armour was muffled by the cloak.

I calmly walked into the carriage. The train was empty – the rest of the passengers seemed to have left – bar the Elric boy. 'You again! What have you done with Al?' he asked.

'He has been dealt with. Be sure that he has not been harmed.' I replied. 'I have not come for him, but for you!'

'Really? Well, you won't take me easy this time!' Edward clapped his hands together, and placed them down. A spear was transmuted into his hands. He pointed it at me, defensively.

'I'd ask you come quietly. You need to pay for your crimes!' I shouted.

'Listen, was the flag not up to standard? Did I dirty the carpet with a piece of dust? What did I do this time?'

'The same crime as before! Repeated! Made worse you the knowledge of your wrong doing!'

'What are you on about?' Edward shouted back.

'This!' I pulled out his cloak. 'Placed in white washing! Again!'

Edward stared at it for a moment. Then he said 'I didn't do that! That's not mine!'

'Don't lie to me, boy!' I shouted, full of rage. 'The symbol upon it is the same as the one I washed last time!'

'I know it's not mine,' the Edward boy shouted back, 'because I'm wearing mine!'

There was a pause. 'Look!' He said, spinning round. Sure enough, he wore a red cloak with the same alchemical symbol.

'Well, em,' I began,' I don't suppose you have two?' I asked.

'No!'

'Ah. Well, this is a bit awkward.' I said. 'I apologise for my inconvenience.' I walked out, gathering my cloak from the metal brother. 'Very sorry about this.' I said, leaping off the train, and began to walk back to East City.

Eventually, I made my way back to East City station, worry in my mind. Had I be blinded by some cunning deception? Had I missed the latest fashions? These and more thoughts ran through my mind as I made my way to the station. However, as I arrived a woman in officers uniform interrupted me. 'Major Longwood, sir.' She saluted. 'I'm Lieutenant Hawkeye. I have orders to bring you to Colonel Mustang.'

'Of course!' I replied. I was surprised. What would he need to see me about? 'Might I enquire the reason for meeting at this short notice?'

'I think it might be to do with this, sir.' She passed me note. 'This arrived a couple of days ago at my desk in Central.'

I looked with horror at the note. This note I held showed me to a word of conspiracy I could never had imagined! For upon it read: Hawkeye, can you put a copy of Fullmetal's cloak in the white washing? It'll be hilarious.

I now understood why Mustang had to meet me! He knew that this had to be dealt with!

We arrived in the East City command centre a short while later, and I was lead in the Colonels office. He sat at his desk, on the phone, but ended the call shortly after I entered. I saluted. 'Colonel Mustang.'

'Ah yes, thank you Major.' He gestured to a chair, where I sat. The Lieutenant stood behind him.

'I had a worrying phone call recently.' The Colonel began. 'About an incident on the train to Lior. I heard that it was attacked by a man in military uniform. Destruction of the train, and the assault of a passenger.'

I gulped. I had not thought about what may happen after my misunderstanding. 'But, Colonel, I had a mission. Look! I was set up!' I showed him the note.

The Colonel looked at it, smiled for a slight moment, then put it away in the desk. 'It looks like a harmless prank to me, Major. Hardly a matter to attack a train over.'

He paused, then smiled again. 'Thankfully, this incident has only reached my ears yet. And it is my responsibility to deal with it. So, since no one was hurt and are an upstanding officer, I am willing to ignore it.' He leaned on an arm. 'Should you continue to remain an upstanding officer, of course. In my eyes.'

Suddenly, I realised what had happened. Colonel Mustang had made the cloak, and written the note! He would use the information against me for his own ends in office politics! I'd been played! Like a harpsichord. Or a ukulele.

'So, how exactly would I be a good officer?' I enquired.

'I'd just keep your ears open in Central, and consider you to owe me a favour.' He stood up. 'I'm glad, we've got that sorted, Major. Lieutenant, please show out the Cloth Alchemist?'

'Of course, sir.' Lieutenant Hawkeye should me out. Defeated, I headed back to Central.

I arrived in my office disgruntled. This was not helped by the low standards I found Private Blackhammer to exhibit.

'You're a disgrace, Private! Your uniform is all creased. Did you sleep in it?'

'Yes sir! I actually did!' He replied.

'How dare you sleep while on duty!' I continued. He was phased by this.

'Sir, I've been on duty for three days in a row now.' He said.

'A soldier is always on duty! Now iron those clothes, dammit! Or I'll iron them with you in them!'

So ends this adventure. Some may say this is a rare defeat for me, and perhaps it is. But I prefer to see it as a victory for the things most important – duty, order and cleanliness! But we must be always vigilant! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbart Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!

Good news - the reviews are now working, and I can now see them again. Thanks for everyone who's reviewed, and feel free to give me ideas - it has occurred to me that I can only do jokes about people placing things in the wrong colour for so long.