Cooking

Disclaimer: Monster Hunter is copyright Capcom. All the characters in this story are mine.

Edited by: Hoenn Master96 and Thomas A. Hawk

This one-shot is NOT CANON with The Lost Civilization

"Okay, I think I've just about… ah, it would appear that I've burnt it again."

"Mercy, you're bad at this, Harker. This isn't exactly one of your experiments; it's just cooking, so your penchant for disaster shouldn't carry over. Shouldn't you be a little better at this?"

"I don't think you're really being fair, Ellie dear. Besides, you keep pulling yours off the spit too early, and put them into the wagon a little too rare. I know the mission briefing said to deliver forty steaks, but I'm certain they wanted them properly cooked. We're going to get a pay deduction if you keep it up, I'm afraid."

"Ugh, this is harder than I thought it'd be… Nobody ever complained about my cooking back in Boma."

"Nobody ever ate your cooking back in Boma, remember? You'd always coat stuff in that spicy seasoning, and nobody could take the heat. I mean, I didn't mind it that much, but everyone else…"

"Says the man who'd sauté everything in a whole bulb of garlic."

"At least I didn't have visiting friends downing all our water and jumping into the bay after taking a bite of my food, did I?"

"Well, no…"

"You're a decent cook, Ellie, but you need to try and tone down your seasoning. Remember, you're cooking for a lot of people's tastes, not just your own."

"That's easy for you to say, Kerry. You cook for Harker, and he'll eat anything. And that's not an exaggeration either; I've seen the weird stuff he's consumed. I didn't even think Ethnic Wyvernmeat was meant for human consumption, but that didn't stop him from eating a whole slab of it when we went to that Shakalaka grill last month."

"Personally, I preferred the Pink Liver plate to that, my friend. It's far leaner, and its flavor is not so strong."

"See?"

"I simply do not restrict myself to what social convention says should or should not be eaten. I like to expand my horizons! Besides, with all the time I spend on my experiments and research, sometimes I cannot spare the time to be picky about what I consume. Sustenance is sustenance, as they say."

"Harker, nobody says-"

"But that is not to say that I don't have a sense of taste, mind you. While it is true that I am willing to eat whatever is placed in front of me, I do have preferences. Out of all the foods that have graced my palate, I can easily state that the meals my lovely Lady Kerrigan has made me are by and far the best I have had the great pleasure in eating during the course of my life."

"Thank you, Harker dear…"

"Yeah, she is a pretty damn good cook… well, compared to the three of us, at least. Though, I think you're being a little bit over-flowery there, Harker. I mean, I've helped her in the kitchen once or twice, and there's nothing wildly complicated or exotic happening in there. It's just regular meals, regular ingredients, and regular methods."

"And yet the end result is exemplary. Surely you can't deny that, my friend?"

"Well, no…"

"Hmm… Well, while it's an entirely scientific sentiment, they say - and I know people say it this time - they say that the best food is cooked with love, and there is nobody I know that is more loving and caring than the lovely Lady Kerrigan."

"Aww… Careful now, Harker; as sweet as that is, if you keep it up, the poor girl's going to burst from blushing so hard."

"You're in quite a mood, Harker. I haven't heard you gush like this in a while."

"Then let him gush, Levin! Every girl likes to get compliments… In fact, I don't think I remember the last time you complimented me on my cooking."

"That's because I'm usually trying to keep myself from combusting after I eat your cooking. Although… I've gotta admit, you're really good at making desserts."

"...Really?"

"Yeah. I remember you made that cake once, and even though it was kind of awkwardly shaped and the icing was messy, it was really tasty."

"Thanks! Oh… wait. But getting materials for cakes is a pain in the butt…"

"Then you'll just have to improve the rest of your cooking skills. Perhaps you can start by cooking these steaks all the way through, instead of leaving it rare. And Harker, please don't burn another one."

"Ah! Whoops… My apologies…"

"Alright… I think I got it right this time! See?"

"Put it back on the spit, dear."

"Aw…"

"You need to have patience, Ellie. You're far too abrupt in your methods. You've got potential, but you tend to use too hot a fire to speed things up, or you stop cooking too early. Cooking is a slow, cautious work if you want things to be just right. You can't rush things, or you'll end up ruining the meal."

"Well, if I wait too long, I'll burn them like Harker does!"

"Hmm… Well, maybe if you hum a song as you turn the spit? My mother used to do that when she cooked dinner for my father and I. She used to time it so that the song ended just before the meat needed to be taken off from over the fire, and it would end up perfect every time. Even today I still hum it in my head when I'm cooking. It really helps."

"Huh… that might work… I think one of the chefs at one of the steakhouses me and Levin go to in Loc Lac do something like that… But she does this weird thing where every time she takes a steak off the spit, she shouts 'so tasty!' She, uh… she says it's for good luck, but…"

"It's really annoying if you ask me."

"Eh… yeah, it really is, isn't it, Levin? But Kerry, can you give me any more tips on how to cook better? I mean, I'm fine with just letting Levin cook most of the time, but I don't want to be dead weight, you know? I want to at least be a passable cook…"

"I'm sure Levin wouldn't mind home-cooked meals made by you, if you really put your heart into them and had just a little bit more patience. The easiest way to a man's heart is through his stomach, after all."

"Yeah, okay…"

"Well, she got to my heart all right, but it certainly wasn't through my stomach, I'll tell you that much… Hey, hey, wait Ellie, don't throw that-!"

There was a wet slapping sound as a rather large slab of half-cooked meat smacked against the side of Levin's face, knocking the switch axe user to the ground with a thud. Ellie huffed irately, her cheeks tinted slightly as she crossed her arms and glowered down at him.

"I can't say you didn't deserve that one, my friend," Harker chuckled as Levin pushed himself upright, grumbling as he wiped grease and other juices of his face. Looking up, he realized that Ellie was glaring down at him, and he chuckled sheepishly.

"That, uh… that wasn't what it sounded like?"

"Oh really?"

"Yeah! I was… going to say that you got to my heart with your charming personality and delightful demeanor?"

"...Keep going."

"Ah. Okay then… I was… enraptured by your beauty, your soft face and bright green eyes. I was left fascinated by your strong will and bold determination, carried under such a lovely presence."

"He's rather good at this…" Harker observed, mildly surprised.

"Hush, Harker."

"I was in awe at your bravery and conviction towards your goals and desires! When you overcame your prejudices against monsters, I was enamored at the care and compassion you felt for those creatures, despite your rough past with them. Even the stern hand you had making certain that I myself could live up to my own potential, despite how I was supposed to be the one teaching you, even then I was charmed by you. What hope did I have to avoid falling so desperately in love with you?"

"Not bad, my friend."

"That was rather impressive, all things considered."

"I can keep going if you like, Miss Ellie, assuming the peanut gallery doesn't start heckling me. I'm on a roll here. How flowery do you want me to get?"

Ellie tapped her foot on the ground for a few moments, before her stern expression broke and she chuckled in amusement. "Alright, I forgive you… for now. But I'll expect some new compliments the next time you make me angry, understand? No recycling old ones, got it?"

"Yes, oh light of my life, oh stars in my sky."

"Save it, Levin. You don't want to waste all the good ones."

"As amusing as this may be, you need to get back to work, the both of you. We can't afford to have you slapping Levin with slabs of meat anymore, Ellie dear; if I have to rely on you and Harker to pick up the slack, we'd never get done."

"Ugh… fine… But if he deserves it again, I'm not holding back."

"Fair enough. This time though, try to work a little hard on making sure that you don't take the meat off too early. And don't burn yours either, Harker."

"Yes of course, Lady Kerrigan, I will try."

"You know, this would be a whole lot easier if these spits were a little sturdier… Mine's kind of rattling around a little. You'd think that noble would be able to let us borrow something a little better than this, right?"

"I suppose he assumed we'd used them before. Also, the reason they're so rickety is become they're made to be folded up and carried in your pouch. Did you know there are some hunters that carry collapsible meat spits along with them on hunts, Ellie? They prefer to hunt down their prey, and once they've found the monster they're supposed to hunt, they find a safe spot, cook a slab of meat, eat it up, then hunt the monster while they're full."

"Wait, a full slab? Really? How? I can barely fit the rations the Guild gives us in my pouch after packing whetstones, potions, ammo, traps… how the heck are you supposed to fit a whole slab of meat in your satchel too?"

"Maybe they kill an Aptonoth and carve it raw. Marshall had me do that a few times on the longer hunts we took back in Boma. It was kind of gross though, since neither of us were very good cooks at the time. And Marshall always ate his steaks plain… no seasoning or anything. Blech."

"It's a nice sentiment, but a little bit unrealistic, my friend. While I am quite fond of Lady Kerrigan's cooking skills, carrying a slab of meat along on a hunt or killing something to carve from seems… unhygienic. It would be fresh, of course, and that certainly has it's draw, but very messy."

"Yeah, maybe…"

"But you can't really prepare beforehand too much either, can you? You'll just have a pile of cooked meat sitting around, waiting to be eaten, days or weeks or months after you've cooked them, just… collecting dust in the bottom of your storage box. Bleh… kind of makes me nauseous thinking about it actually."

"There are ways to keep meat for a long time, Miss Eleanor, even in locales south of the Tundra, where you could simply freeze it for later. You can smoke the meat into jerky, which keeps quite well. You could can them, assuming you have the money and space for cans or jars. If you don't mind the taste, you could pickle meat as well. But if you're thinking of keeping them whole and cooking them yourself, if you salted them and kept them well, someplace cool, dry, and free of contamination, it should be possible to save meat for several months before it goes bad, even in a dusty place like Loc Lac. Perhaps you could make a meat cellar or something. That's how they do it in the cities, I believe… Theoretically, it wouldn't be too hard for a hunter like one of us to just dig a hole under the Oasis and store slabs of meat there."

"I don't think Lynn would allow that, Harker dear."

"I've been evicted from inns for doing worse than digging up a meat cellar under my room."

"That's not something to be proud of, Harker. Besides… bleh, I still don't like the idea, keeping meat stored in something besides a freezer."

"Could be worse, Miss Ellie. I've heard of hunters that like to stuff poison mushrooms and sleep herbs and other nasty things inside raw meat to use against the carnivorous monsters. If you think cooked meat sitting around in your hunter's box is gross, just picture it raw."

"Ew! Oh, mercy, please no… ew, ew, ew!"

"All gross and maggoty, attracting flies and other creepy crawlies. Maybe some mold or bloating to top it all off…" Levin was abruptly cut off as another half-cooked slab of meat suddenly smacked against the side of his head, sending the hunter toppling to the ground.

"It's not the strangest thing I've ever heard," Kerry said, giggling as Levin pushed himself back to his seat again. "News in Loc Lac says that a lot of hunters are starting to stockpile honey. Lots of it. I mean in numbers ranging up to three to five hundred jars worth."

"Damn, that's a lot! But why honey?" Ellie asked as she slung another slab of meat onto her spit. "I mean, I remember there was that weird weight-gain fad that went through the city a few months ago, but it died off pretty quickly, didn't it?"

"Well, apparently hunters are mixing honey into their Guild-mandated potions. They say it's somehow able to make your potions more potent as a healing agent. I don't know what to think of it myself…"

"Didn't Joshua do something like that after the shipwreck south of the village?"

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that… He told me he used Altaroth honey though, not Snakebee honey."

"Hmm… I was not aware that Altaroths produced honey in the first place, Miss Eleanor."

"They don't? I didn't… Then what did Levin drink?"

"Hoo boy… I didn't question it, considering the state I was in at the time, but…"

"Perhaps it was regular honey extracted from an Altaroth's stomach sac after it had ingested it from a hive. That would certainly give the unique chemical makeup… I hear some chefs prefer to feed mushrooms to Altaroth, then kill them and peel the mushrooms from the bodies. It's said to age and flavor the fungi to esculent perfection, so I'm told. Perhaps honey works in much the same way?"

"Ugh… no offence Harker, but that's not encouraging… Also, Ellie, remind me to never eat those King Truffles at that one restaurant you like anymore. I don't think I trust the chef's 'secret seasoning' anymore."

"Says the man who encouraged me to eat unicorn butter our first day going out for a hunt."

"That's different… just don't ask me how."

"Personally, I'm looking forward to testing this myself! Lady Kerrigan, do you know whether or not I have the funds to purchase… many jars of honey?"

"Not since you bought all those God Bugs for… whatever it is you were using them for last week."

"Blast…"

"You keep track of his finances?"

"Somebody has to. Do you really think Harker would really be responsible with his wallet, considering the types of things he'd spend every cent on? And then proceed to blow up whatever he'd just bought?"

"Aha… Good point. And you're okay with this, Harker?"

"I am not so vain as to be blind to my own… inadequacies when it comes to the maintaining of my monetary gains. Besides, I trust the Lady Kerrigan. She hasn't stolen anything from me yet."

"Considering she controls your money, how would you know? Er… not that I'm accusing her or anything like that…"

"Eh, even if she was, it would certainly be nothing I wouldn't owe her anyway for putting up with me. I am self-aware enough to know that I am not the easiest man to keep close proximity to."

"You're not that bad, Harker… Or… maybe you are."

"And I appreciate your company, despite the trouble. Though, returning to my previous point, if I cannot gain honeys monetarily, perhaps after this hunt we could travel to the Sandy Plains hunting grounds? I have an urge to collect materials from those anthills that dot the landscape…"

"Focus on the present, Harker dear. You're burning another steak."

"Drat."

"Excellent work! Excellent work indeed! Quite a bit of meat you've managed to gather and cook… well done, well done! Some of it looks a little burnt, but I suppose we can just serve that to the drunker guests at the party, now can't we? Ha! But I must thank you all! I suppose I could have just bought the meat myself, but I prefer meat that is truly, truly fresh! And I suppose I could have raised my own Aptonoth, rather than hiring you four to slay them for me, but I've been told that 'free-range' and 'uncaged' meals are quite the fad these days! And having the hunters that slew the beast for me cook the meat themselves? Well… I suppose that's just bragging rights."

"Well, as long as the pay's good, then I don't really mind-"

"Now all we need are the eggs and we're good to go!"

The hunters all blinked in surprise, and looked at each other uncertainly.

"Um, what eggs? You're not talking about Rath eggs are you? Because I've done that dance before, and there is no way in hell that I'm-"

"No, no, no, nothing like that. Just regular Rhenoplos eggs, of course! I can't serve my guests Aptonoth steaks without the finest hard-boiled Rhenoplos eggs to accompany the meat! Besides, Rath eggs are illegal to gather without Guild allowance, after all, and I'm in no mood to earn their ire, not when they provide me with the hunters I need to gather food for my banquets! No, I simply need you to gather perhaps… sixteen Rhenoplos eggs before nightfall, and we'll be set. Those are perfectly legal, and incredibly abundant, so it's allowable. Surely you saw that part of the quest on the mission statement?"

"Er… I… may have glossed over the full extent of the mission request after I saw how much he was offering to pay. Oh, don't look at me like that, Ellie. You were just as excited as I was when you saw the payout."

"Well, it's nothing we couldn't accomplish, Levin dear. Even if we did spend a lot of time cooking those steaks, we should have plenty of time to collect the Rhenoplos eggs before nightfall. The nest is relatively close, so it shouldn't be too long of a journey. Sixteen is… quite a number, but it's not unmanageable."

"Yeah, alright… But the next time you forget to fully read the mission request, Levin, there will be consequences. Certain privileges you had access to will be revoked until further notice, understand?"

"Urk… yes, ma'am."

"Well, I consider this a blessing! There are a few things I've created recently that I've been hoping for the chance to test. And since… certain individuals have made it clear that conducting these tests is something I should do when we're not fighting a large monster, where the unexpected backlash of my creations might prove a hindrance, these Rhenoplos should give me a perfect opportunity to-"

"No, Harker. We're on a time limit right now. Next time."

"Hah… Yes, of course, Lady Kerrigan…"

The wagon sank towards the ground as the last of the sixteen Rhenoplos eggs dropped gently into back of the merchant's wagon. The jovial man chuckled mirthfully as he patted the collection of round objects, pleased with the hunters' work.

"Excellent! Wonderful! Fine work you've done for me! And with plenty of time to spare before the sun goes down! Fine work indeed! Though, I must admit… I did not expect you four to complete this job looking so… bedraggled at the very end of it."

"It was the Rhenoplos! Evil, tenacious little devils!"

"Calm down, Ellie dear."

"Rhenoplos? I don't understand, miss… Surely hunters such as yourselves would have made short work of such small creatures, herbivores as they are."

"Well, normally such creatures would prove no trouble, sir. But… well, in our haste to get you all the eggs you requested before sundown, we were… admittedly a touch reckless. All of us took an egg from the nest each of our four journeys to the nest, leaving nobody around to guard us from attacks… Even creatures as weak as Rhenoplos can prove challenging when you are unable to properly fight back."

"And we weren't going to just drop the eggs, either! I'm not going to break an egg just because I can get another one from the nest. If I pick up an egg, it's either making it back or going back to the nest…"

"We know, Ellie, we know."

"The rockslides and Melynx didn't help either…"

"Rockslides? What rockslides? The nest isn't that far! If there was a rockslide, my workers or I would have surely heard it!"

"Yeah… yeah, we thought that too… But after we raided the nest for the third collection of eggs, on our way back we found out that our path had been completely barricaded by huge boulders. We hadn't heard any rockslides or anything at all, we just came back and… there it was."

"We had to take a completely different path, I'm afraid. I've been to this area before, so I knew other paths, but… Well, our path took us right through the territory of a Melynx gang. We never meant to intrude."

"Oh, please, Kerry, don't feel sorry for the little thieves! They saw that we were carrying heavy, fragile eggs while being chased by half a herd of Rhenoplos, and decided that'd be a perfect time to steal anything and everything they could swipe out of our pouches!"

"We did manage to outrun the creatures, despite our encumbrance… though the Melynx certainly did not simplify the task for us at all."

"I still say you didn't have to kick that one as hard as you did, Ellie dear."

"Oh yes I did! He was going for my bowgun! He's just lucky he flew into that mud pit, and not over the edge of that cliff. Should've kicked him a little harder, as far as I'm concerned…"

"Well, it seems you've gone a bit above and beyond what might have been expected of you, gathering all these eggs for me, considering the circumstances. I quite appreciate your dedication!"

"Don't suppose that means we'll get a bonus?"

"Of course not. I am appreciative of your commitment, but you did gather the exact amount of eggs than I requested, so you have not gone that far beyond what was asked of you."

"Eh, can't blame a guy for trying."

"I suppose not. Come now, hunters! Let us return to the outpost. I have a party to prepare for… and I suppose you'll be wanting payment as well."

"Oh, actually friends, while we're here, can we try to collect some dried Barroth mud? I've been meaning to retest its properties as an incendiary, and I haven't had the time to come to the Sandy Plains to gather any. Perhaps we could find the nearest mud flat and-"

"No, Harker," three voices replied simultaneously.

Author's Note: Please Review! As you can see, I'm posting on Saturday instead of Sunday. Hopefully this will get rid of those email and notification errors that seem to pop up when I post on Sundays...

As someone who has something like two stacks of Well-Done Steaks in my item box, and something like 500 honeys, this chapter really hits close to home.

Also, I tried something new this time, making an attempt to write a story with as little narration as possible, while still attempting to pass off who was saying what and to whom. Hopefully I pulled it off well enough.

Reading: The Master Corps by Thomas A. Hawk, Girl Genius by Phil and Kaja Foglio
Playing: MH3U, Minecraft
Listening: Mika, Lenny Kravitz, Supertramp
Watching: Guardians of the Galaxy