There's something to be said about missing someone you love. And there are so many questions, now that he's gone.
How long is it gonna be like this?
Can this truly work?
While Briggs has been gone for exactly 43 hours and twenty-three minutes… I've been right here, in my house.
Jess came over and watched a movie with me yesterday, but I was no fun. It's hard to concentrate on anything, when all I can do is think about him.
Tiny flutters, tickle up from the pit of my tummy and out through my skin every time I think about him. How he looked the night before he left… on my bed, on my floor, in the shower, on the stairs… on the kitchen counter.
We didn't even sleep that night.
We stayed tangled together until five am when we had to leave to get him to the airport.
On the way back home, it made perfect sense to me; why Briggs didn't want to do it that way… why he wanted to wait until he got back. Something big happened when we made love for the first time. We tied ourselves together in a way that I've never experienced before and on that drive home from the airport that morning, when I thought my insides might spill out along with all of my tears, I pulled off to the side of the road until I calmed down enough to get myself back home.
How did he know it would be like this?
I don't like this yearning hollow feeling inside, when I talk to him or think about him. The wanting and the missing him is so heavy.
The other night, we stayed locked onto each other for an hour before getting up and showering. He pulled my hair over my shoulder and pressed me softly to the wall, kissing me so sweet and so honest as he whispered words along my neck that left me breathless. He made love to me against the wall, while the water showered down over us and tears streamed down my cheeks. They weren't tears of sorrow or even tears of fear for him leaving, they were just tears of this overwhelming feeling that I can't quite describe, because I've never felt it before.
After we showered I went with him to Jess's to help him pack, but when Jess met us at the door, her expression said that we had some explaining to do, being that I hadn't answered any calls or texts for two days and I showed up suddenly with her cousin.
I didn't even try to hide my hand in his, or my kiss on his lips before he went upstairs to pack, leaving me there with her to fend for myself.
Luckily, she was understanding, but we're family. It's kind of a rule that no matter what I do, she pretty much just has to love me through it.
Besides… I can't imagine anything that Jess could do that I would push her out of my life for, so I know she's the same when it comes to me.
We talked for about ten minutes while Briggs packed. Hugging and laughing until I got teary eyed about Briggs leaving and she just hugged me tight some more, trying to change the subject to Seth, which made me giggle.
Though this is tough for me to see him go, it's something that Jess is happy about. She knows he won't be in danger in New York and she's hoping he won't go back to his old lifestyle when he does get back here. She's excited about him going.
With Briggs' arm around us both, we told Jess goodbye and walked back to my house. We didn't separate until it was time to leave with the sunrise.
.
.
.
I hold out my phone, trying to twist my body and my face into in the most flattering angle before pressing call.
When the image on the screen changes from mine to his, little charges of static streak out in every direction and I'm electrified with excitement to see his handsome face.
Fuuuuuuuck, he's so fine.
His hat is on low, and his eyes are sparkling from underneath the rim as he smiles at me… a curious smirk on his face. "You're wearing my stuff?" He's got a surprised, but satisfied smile when he asks.
And then he gives me that look. That look kills me… the one that says, I'm doing it for him, and he wants me.
"Hey handsome." I finger the rim of his hat that I'm wearing and give him a little smile while modeling the tank top he left here.
It's a dress on me, and it doesn't look half bad. I only put it on because it smells just like him. Hints of his cologne are heavy on the front of it and I pray it lasts until he gets back. After popping it on, I decided it was time to look alive, and I put a little makeup on, tossing his hat on, over my unbrushed hair.
"Ah… babe. You look so good, I wanna be all over you right now." He licks his lips and the look on his face is so seductive right now.
I smile, missing him so bad it hurts.
He doesn't know that I forced myself to get out of the bed and get myself ready so that I would look pretty for this facetime call.
His eyes gleam and his sculpted cheekbones give way to a sheen of sweat which rests over his nose and drips down the side of his face as he speaks to me while jogging up steps.
"I miss you like crazy already." I tell him honestly, pulling the shirt to my nose, smelling it again. The scent of him drives me crazy.
"You don't even know girl. You're gonna get it so bad when I get you out here."
I giggle, flattered. "What?"
"I can't stay away from you lookin' like that, girl." He hesitates for a minute and makes an mmm sound before continuing. "You're gonna have to fly out here for a weekend, we gotta figure something out."
I don't jump on his statement about me going out there, but it's in the forefront of my mind. The fact that he misses me so much, he's already making plans to see me again, thrills me, but I don't want to sound desperate so I change the subject.
"What're you up to today?"
"Just left the gym, baby. What're you up to?"
He wipes his face with a towel, stopping just outside a door, telling me to hold on a second.
"You already found a gym?"
"Yeah, right outside my grandfather's building. It's low key, not a lot of traffic, I don't have to wait for the bench to free up, and the weights aren't cheap, like my gym back home, it's perfect."
Wow. He's already ventured out and formed some sort of routine for himself.
And I can't even seem to leave my house.
He opens the door, angling the phone so that I can see the inside of the house, showing me around as he makes his way toward a room at the end of a long hall.
Before now, we've just texted and talked over the phone. I like that I'm getting to see his surroundings.
When he enters, I see an older man lying in a bed with a very pregnant woman in scrubs beside him. His bed rests beside a large window with a view of the city and the bed is one of those similar to a hospital type… it folds and bends.
Briggs walks closer, introducing me through the phone, "Pops, this is Bella." He holds the phone so that only his grandfather is in view, and Briggs continues talking while his grandfather and I smile at each other through the screen. "Love of my life, Pop. Look how beautiful she is." I'm blushing now and I die a little, hearing the words he's chosen for me, so I'm beaming when I say hello to his grandfather, telling him how honored I am to meet the very first Mr. Brigham Hendry.
His voice is small and shaky when he speaks my name, and he carries a bit of an English accent, which I find interesting. Meeting another member of Briggs' family, somehow makes this thing between us feel so much more official… even if we are such a long distance from each other.
Mr. Hendry is nothing like I imagined, but absolutely adorable. I imagined him to be much more frail, with dark thinning hair, but he's quite opposite. I like the way his blue eyes light up when he talks to me. He's got creamy white wrinkled skin, hair as white as snow and he's got a light in his eyes, when he smiles that shines all of his goodness out through his sweet, round face.
He can't hold the phone, so Briggs stays beside him, holding it up so that I can see both of them in the frame. Briggs looks so much like him. I can see it in the eyebrows, the straight nose, the blue eyes.
Seeing Briggs with him and happy, definitely makes the distance worth it.
Briggs tells his grandfather that he'll be right back and he whispers to me, saying that he might have more time than they originally thought. He's doing especially well this week.
Cradled inside the frame of his phone, I go with him to the kitchen and watch him measure out a few scoops of protein for a shake. He tells me more about dementia while he makes his shake. How one day can be great and the next a total backslide. It's a disease so unpredictable that it can wreak havoc. Today, and yesterday in particular, have been great. He tells me that his grandfather remembers his name, knows who he is and is able to follow conversation. This had made Briggs feel so relieved because before going out there, the nurse prepared Briggs to expect the worst but hope for the best because day to day, can be so different. I feel thankful that things are going well with him.
Am I selfish to wonder how that affects the length of time we'll be apart?
I am. My god, I'm so selfish.
We ramble while he drinks and I love talking with him. In fact, I cling to our conversations like I'm in middle school. I can remember talking on the phone for hours back then. I haven't wanted to do that since.
He finishes his shake, rinsing his cup and turns to give me a "grand tour," he says this in an English accent and I giggle. Walking the halls of his grandfather's house with him makes me feel included. And I love how he continues to tell me I'm missed but like I'm there with him at the same time.
There's this brand new amazing side of Briggs that I'm seeing now that he's back where he was born.
He shows me a portrait of his mother and father and he sounds so proud as he tells me about them while holding the phone close up to the frame. I look into the handsome face of a man almost the same age as Briggs is now, taken from this world much too soon. Makes me want to just hold Briggs. I can't imagine the pain he went through, losing both of his parents at one of the most confusing times of his life.
The tour of his grandfather's house, isn't small. It's pretty grand. A two thousand square foot apartment on the lower side of Manhattan.
I've never been to New York, but from what I know of it, apparently, if you own any space over six hundred square feet in the city, you're basically rich.
When we've talked for over an hour he goes back into his grandfather's room and tells him he'll be right back and I watch as he slinks into a bedroom down the hall and closes the door behind him.
"Show me something." He says to me in a low demanding voice.
I giggle at him, "You first." I say teasingly.
He holds the phone out, angling the camera so that I can see him take the hem of his shirt into his teeth, holding it up so that his abs there, on display… and then he moves it downward until it comes to his crotch where his hand trails the large outline of his shaft through his shorts, and he grabs hold of it, angling close up on it, teasing me as he grabs there, taunting.
It makes me ache for him… it takes me back to the last moments before he left.
He's cocky and happy, teasing me with his bulge and I'm opposite. I'm sappy and sweet but I lift my shirt and give him a good tease before we both decide that it just makes the ache worse… all the teasing.
And it makes me feel like this transition is so much easier for him than it is me. Like, he's not hurting over this to the same degree that I am. Like he's not as dependent on my attention as I am his.
I've wanted to stay on the phone with him since he left. I'm entirely needy. And why can't I be? I love him. I miss him. This separation hurts, you know? But he seems to be fine all the way across the states. He's already found a gym, he's gotten a daily routine together, and I can't even get out of the fucking bed.
And as soon as we say our goodbyes, I kiss the screen and my call with Briggs disconnects.
I sit on all of those thoughts. How well he's doing, how well his grandfather is doing and how sappy and stationary I am.
I don't know what I was expecting. I mean… I had this vision that Briggs would get on a plane, hold his grandfather's hand while he said his last words. Then he'd help plan a funeral, talk to a few financial planners and maybe an attorney, bury his grandfather and then come right back home.
Not to sound insensitive or anything, but that's been the vision in my head.
Now, after talking to Briggs, seeing his surroundings, meeting his wonderful grandfather, seeing how very much alive and well he is, and seeing Briggs flourish in New York, I'm completely confused.
This billowing, inky cloud of yucky negative thoughts unfold inside me, severing my appetite and slinking its way underneath all of my fears, insecurities and doubts… pressing them up until they're all floating right here on the surface of my mind.
My go-to options for moments like these…. moments when the sadness and depression run bone-deep and the pain from it radiates… are alcohol or sex.
Unfortunately, sex is completely out of the question being that Briggs is all the way across the states, so I trudge down the stairs, praying that there's at least one shot of vodka left in the bottle in the freezer.
When I open the freezer door I see a box of Totinos pizza and instantly, I'm reminded of Rose. I haven't returned any of her calls or texts. It's not that I'm ignoring her, I mean, aside from my mom, Jess and Briggs, I've ignored everyone's calls and texts. I make a mental note that it's time to text her back while grabbing the grey goose bottle, inspecting the centimeter of liquid at the bottom, before putting it back into the freezer.
.
.
.
The next day passes and I fight the urge to go to the liquor store. I do laundry and clean instead.
I'm pretty proud of myself by the end of the day. I'm feeling adultish for the first time in my life.
Briggs calls when I go to bed and I love the high feeling he fills me with. He's so sweet to me, telling me about his day and how much he misses me. He doesn't miss an opportunity to tell me I'm beautiful, and all the things he wants to do to me when we see each other again.
We talk about his grandfather a little and he tells me that today wasn't so good. He says that a new nurse is going to start tomorrow, Mr. Hendry's regular nurse is nine months pregnant and she's about to bust, so he's worried that this also, might cause his grandfather to backslide. Even the smallest amount of change of routine can be a huge setback for patients with dementia. Guess we'll see how things go tomorrow.
We end our conversation on a positive note, I try not to sound so damn desperate, depressed and needy and Briggs is his usual, sweet, upbeat self.
.
.
.
The next day, Jess isn't having it anymore. She's at my door, demanding I leave the house with her. So we end up at the Diner.
"So what ever happened with Edward Cullen?"
She drags a french fry through ketchup and then looks to me for an answer.
I breathe in and out, sighing heavily before beginning.
"I dunno, Jess. He's complicated."
Edward has called me three times since the last time I saw him. I don't know how I feel about it.
I mean, I do know.
I know that it's flattering that he's finally come around.
But honestly, could his timing be any worse? Like, where were you when I was single? Where were you when I wasn't in love with someone else?
And now he just decides this is the time to be a gentleman and not only that… but persistent?
The first voicemail he left, he sounded a little uneasy, like he didn't know what he was doing, but at the same time it was sweet.
"Bella, this is Edward." He was quiet for a moment, letting out a breath before speaking again. "I just want you to know that my shit is figured out. I'm ready." He was quiet again, longer than the first time, and my tummy tilted when I heard his last words. "And I'll be right here… ready when you are. Call me."
His timing is so frustrating. It's just confusing. He waited all this time. After all of my advances… and now, now he decides to act human. And I resent it. I also resent myself for even listening to his messages, reading his texts or even thinking about that kiss we shared after I've given all of myself to Briggs.
And no matter how hard I try to just ignore him… to keep from replying, to keep from replaying his voicemails, rereading his texts, I can't deny that I'm still intrigued by him.
He didn't leave a voicemail the second time he called. And he never calls twice in one day. But just this morning, he left another message and it got my attention.
"Bella, it's me again."
Always so patient with his words, he paused.
"Listen, I don't want to push you, I just…" He let out a long exhale. "Fuck, I don't know what I'm doing here, okay? I just know that I can't stop thinking about that kiss, and if you want me to back off, fine… I get it."
He went quiet for a moment and then a calm resolve slid through his tone. "Just let me take you to lunch. I won't touch you. I won't press. Just…"
He breathed out again and I could tell he was struggling and hearing Edward Cullen sound like he had some sort of heart inside that stone wall of skin he carried around, threw me so far off kilter.
"Fuck, why is this so hard? I just want to be your friend, alright? I fucked up from the beginning, I admit it. Let me start over, let me show you who I really am." He was quiet again. "Just give me a chance."
And then he hung up.
I replayed his message three times. And what I heard each time wasn't the pompous asshole that I met in the middle of the road. The person that left me that message is not someone with a heart of stone, but instead someone with a heart that is soft and strong, just like my own.
He does have feelings.
He does have a soul.
Edward Cullen apparently has so many layers, that there's a plethora of textures to him.
Can I be so unforgiving and just continue to ignore him? Wouldn't that be cruel?
If what he says is true, and he won't push, I can do this.
I can be Edward's friend. But only because my conscience can't live with the thought of cruelly ignoring him. That's not who I am.
We finish eating and Jess tells me that Jake and Seth are supposed to be coming by in an hour and asks me to come home with her. She's nervous about seeing Seth.
I find it hilarious. And also? Jake? This is gonna be weird.
.
.
.
Jess has changed three times already. I've walked in and out of Briggs room three times before finally laying my head on his pillow. He's really gone. And I have no clue when he'll come home.
My phone vibrates.
I look to see a text.
It's Edward again.
I'm not trying to rush you. I don't care if you haven't figured your shit out yet, just let me show you. I'll be a perfect gentleman. Give me one chance, Bella. I just want to be your friend.
And so I pick up my phone, and punch out a text to him.
thank you for the flowers
And then I delete it and type the flowers were beautiful. I'm free later.
And then I delete that too.
Because the thought of being one-on-one with Edward Cullen makes me nervous.
But I can't ignore it. So, I just go for it, and press the little phone icon to call him instead.