Chapter Five
Well down the road to Genoa, Josie and Little Joe were still talking and laughing as exuberantly as they had when they'd left the house. They were in no hurry and let the horses – and Pip – amble along as they all enjoyed the warm spring sunshine. Josie decided Betsy wasn't so bad. The bay mare often served as a relief for the Cartwrights' usual mounts, and she was a compliant, intelligent animal. Josie just hoped Ruckus was being kind to Scout.
"I've never been to Genoa," Josie said to distract herself. "Is it very big?"
"A little bigger than Virginia City," Joe replied. "Older than Virginia City, too. It's been there since I was a kid, but they called it 'Eagle Station' then. We used to go down there for supplies before Virginia City sprang up. But it wasn't much more than a trading post until they discovered the Comstock Lode."
Josie nodded. She knew the Cartwrights had friends in Genoa – indeed, Ben Cartwright seemed to have friends everywhere – and it was exciting to get to see a different town. After her birthday trip with Adam to Sacramento, Josie wanted to explore the whole of the American West like Lewis and Clark. She'd have to leave Adam at home, though. He'd want to plan the whole trip out in advance, and that would take away the fun of getting hopelessly lost. Fionn and Joe would be much better suited to the adventure.
They stopped for lunch a little better than halfway there and breezed into Genoa in the late afternoon. Since they needed to board their horses anyway, they went first to the livery, where they introduced themselves to Don Webster and gave him the letter from Adam. The man smiled as he refolded it and shook Josie's and Little Joe's hands.
"Got the money right here for you, Mr. Webster," Josie said, digging the cash out of her saddlebag. "Fifty dollars cash, as agreed."
While Mr. Webster drew up the bill of sale, Josie and Joe admired the horse Adam had selected. The little red mare was a smidgeon taller than Scout, but she had the same sleek build.
"She's gonna run like the wind," Josie said, patting the horse's nose.
"She sure will," Joe agreed. "Adam picked a good one."
"He always does."
Webster returned then with the bill of sale. Joe looked it over carefully and declared everything in order. The trio enjoyed another round of handshakes, and then Joe paid Webster to board all three horses and Pip for the night.
"Can't say I ever boarded a dog," Webster said. "But seein' as how he's nearly horse-sized, don't expect it makes no difference."
"He won't give you any trouble, will you Pip?" Josie said. Pip wagged his tail and licked Josie's hand. She bid him and Webster farewell for the evening, and then she and Joe walked down the street to the hotel.
They secured side-by-side rooms on the second floor. It was nearly suppertime, so they cleaned up for dinner. Josie had brought along a green calico that she thought would look smashing alongside Little Joe's bright green eyes, and Joe had even brought along a tie. He was determined to prove that Adam wasn't the only one who could take Josie out for a nice evening. They met in the hallway, and Joe gave Josie a grand bow and offered his arm. Josie giggled and accepted it, and Little Joe escorted her to the restaurant on the ground floor.
Josie had been right not to worry about a few wrinkles in her dress. She and Joe blended in perfectly with the other diners, and they enjoyed every bite of their dinners and desserts.
As they sipped their coffee at the end of the meal, a tall, burly gentleman with dark hair came over to their table and greeted Little Joe.
"William!" Joe said, his face brightening as he leapt to his feet. "Josie, this is William Poole. They call him the 'Thunder Man.' He supplies the explosives we use in our mines."
Josie shook the man's outstretched hand. "A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Poole."
"Likewise, Dr. Cartwright. Your uncle has told me a lot about you. I won't keep you from your coffee. I just recognized Joe here and wanted to say hello. Give your father my best, son. I'm here for another few days, but I'll be up in Virginia City by the end of the month if you need anything out on the Ponderosa."
"Sounds great, Mr. Poole. Thank you," Joe said.
He had no sooner sat back down than another figure, a short, skinny one this time, sidled over to their table.
"Well, if it ain't Little Joe Cartwright," the young man sneered.
Joe sighed and didn't look up from his coffee cup. "How've you been, Fred?"
"Better than you, apparently. You know, your lady friend here looks just like your brother. Ain't that a little weird?"
"She's my cousin, you imbecile. Josie, this is Fred Smythe. Fred, my cousin, Dr. Josephine Cartwright."
Fred kissed the back of Josie's outstretched hand. Her skin crawled, and she snatched her hand away.
"A doctor, you say? Well, at least one Cartwright has amounted to something. Certainly better than dear Little Joseph."
Josie glanced at Joe and saw him chomp down hard on his lower lip.
"Welcome to Genoa, Dr. Cartwright," Fred continued. "If you'd prefer to have a real man show you around, I live over on B Street."
Josie gave Fred a flirtatious smile. "Is that so?" she asked, fluttering her eyelashes at him.
Fred nearly melted into the floor. "That's so." He winked at her.
"And what is the name of the man I should ask for?"
Little Joe nearly spat his coffee across the restaurant. A deep flush started at Fred's collarbone and crept up his neck to his face. Josie waited for steam to shoot from his ears. Fred opened his mouth but apparently couldn't formulate a retort. He spun on his heel and stormed away, accompanied by Joe and Josie's peals of laughter.
"Oh, Josie, what did we ever do without you?" Joe asked as he wiped tears from his eyes.
"No idea." Josie grinned at him. "But why did I just insult that young man? What was his problem?"
"He and I had a… disagreement over a girl a few years ago. I won, of course."
"Of course."
"He hasn't forgiven me. Don't know why. That little gal was cute, but she was no prize."
"Maybe he was to her."
"Maybe. But she picked me over him, so that's hardly my problem." Little Joe stretched and yawned. "Come on. Let's take a stroll. I'm falling asleep in this chair."
Little Joe and Josie took a nice walk around Genoa, carefully avoiding B Street. It was a friendly little town, and Joe knew several people, at least by sight. They didn't return to the hotel until nearly eleven o'clock. They bid each other goodnight and slipped into their separate bedrooms, the unpleasantness at dinner forgotten.
The cousins rose early the next morning, eager to pick up the animals and enjoy another leisurely ride home. Josie met Little Joe in the lobby just as he was settling their bill.
"Wait a second!" Joe protested, reviewing the bill. "What's this charge for?"
"That's from supper last night," the clerk replied.
"Yeah, but it was just my cousin and me. What's this third meal?"
"Oh, that was Mr. Smythe. He said you were covering his meal, too. Seemed like he knew you, so I didn't question it."
"Right, Mr. Smythe," Joe said. "Yeah, sure. Yeah, I'm covering his meal." He dug a few extra coins out of his pocket and slapped them on the counter. "Thanks, Mark. See you next time I'm in town."
"Very good, Mr. Cartwright, Dr. Cartwright."
Joe grabbed Josie's elbow and led her outside.
"But, Joe," Josie protested as they stepped onto the sidewalk. "You're just paying for his meal? He lied! He as good as stole from you!"
"That he did," Joe said.
"If you want to go over to his house and pop him one right in the mouth, I won't stop you."
"No, Josie. I have a much better idea."
Josie followed Little Joe's gaze across the street to a large covered wagon bearing a sign that said "William Poole: THE THUNDER MAN!"
Josie later reflected that William Poole must not have known Little Joe all that well, or he never would have sold him two small sticks of dynamite and a long length of extra fuse for, as Joe claimed, an experiment Adam wanted to try.
"If it can wait until the end of the month, Joe, I'd be more than happy to come out to the Ponderosa and help him with it," Poole said as he pocketed Joe's payment. "Might be safer having a professional do it. I'd hate to see Adam blow himself up so close to his wedding day."
Joe waved him off. "Mr. Poole, if there's one Cartwright who knows what he's doing, it's my brother Adam. Don't you worry. And we'll be real careful carrying these home. I promise."
Poole wished them well and promised to see them when he came through Virginia City.
The cousins raced toward the livery stable as fast as they could while toting explosives. They collected Pip and told Mr. Webster they had a couple errands to run and would be back for the horses by lunchtime. Then they scurried over to B Street.
The house Fred Smythe shared with his older brother was a squat, ugly little bungalow on a street full of other squat, ugly little houses. Little Joe beckoned to Josie and Pip to stay quiet as they crept around behind the Smythe home. There wasn't a backyard to speak of – just room for a pungent outhouse and an equally pungent chicken coop. Some scraggly bushes concealed them from the street as Little Joe laid out his plan.
"All right," he whispered. "This will take some patience, but it'll be worth it. You and Pip stand guard and warn me if anyone's coming. I'm gonna place these charges in the rafters of the outhouse and run these extra fuses out to our hidin' place. When ol' Freddy comes out to do his business, we light the fuses."
"Joe, you'll blow him to bits!"
"Not with these two tiny charges I won't. I place them in the rafters just right, and that privy will just fall down around him."
Josie giggled. "And there he'll be, sitting with his trousers around his ankles!"
"And hopefully right in the middle of something he can't interrupt," Joe added with a wicked grin. Josie stuffed her fist in her mouth to keep her laughter from alerting the entire neighborhood to their presence. She gave Joe a little push toward the outhouse.
"Go get him, Joe!" she whispered.
Little Joe crept toward the outhouse and slipped inside. Josie clutched Pip's collar and hardly dared to breathe as she watched for any signs of life from the house. Five eternal minutes later, Little Joe emerged, gulping fresh air, and unspooling the extra fuses as he raced toward their hiding spot. He dived into the bushes next to Josie and Pip.
"Got it!" he crowed. He handed Josie one fuse and a couple matches, reserving the second fuse for himself. "Now we wait."
"How do you know he's even home?"
"Unless he's drastically changed his habits, Fred doesn't go anywhere before lunch. Too lazy."
"Doesn't he have a job?"
"If he had a job, do you think he'd been living here?" Little Joe indicated the bare yard and putrid outhouse.
"S'pose not."
Little Joe was right. After about half an hour, Fred Smythe meandered out the back door and across the yard to the outhouse. As soon as he stepped into the privy, Little Joe whispered "Now!" and he and Josie lit their fuses. Josie giggled with glee as she struck her match and the fuse hissed to life. Joe lit his simultaneously, and the cousins grinned at each other as the flames licked up the fuses toward the outhouse.
That was the last part of the plan that went well.
Not five seconds after they lit the fuses, a holler from the house attracted Fred's attention. He stepped right back out of the privy, slamming the door and stomping back into the house.
"What?!" he shouted. "Can't a man even take a…" The backdoor slammed behind him.
"Awwww!" Josie moaned.
Little Joe was about to grab her and Pip and get out of there when they heard a "ploop!" from the privy.
"Ew, one of the charges must have dropped into the hole when Fred slammed the door!" Joe said.
Josie blanched. "Oh no! Joe! The methane!"
"The what?"
Josie didn't stop to explain. She grabbed his jacket and gave him a hard yank toward the sidewalk, but a loud POP! from the outhouse caught their attention. They turned back to watch as the rickety sides of the outhouse fell outward. The roof caved in and splintered over the wooden seat where Josie and Little Joe had hoped Fred Smythe would be sitting.
"Awww, that worked perfectly!" Joe groaned. He kicked hard at a loose stone on the ground.
"The second charge, Joe!" Josie cried, yanking on his jacket again.
"Isn't needed. That first one-"
Little Joe never got to finish his sentence. The second charge detonated.
A huge BOOM! went up from the privy hole, nearly deafening Josie, Little Joe, Pip, and Fred Smythe, who had darted back outside to investigate the sound of the first charge taking down his outhouse.
The cousins clapped their hands over their ears as a massive brown geyser shot up from the privy hole – it must have risen a hundred feet. Josie had just enough time to marvel at its soaring height before she remembered the old adage "What goes up must come down." She clapped her gaping mouth shut and ducked her head, but Little Joe was staring up and shouting, "Wow! Look at that!" just as the column of excrement rained down.
Hot, stinking waste splattered over the cousins, Pip, Fred Smythe, half a dozen pedestrians, and the next four or five houses down on each side of the Smythe home. Josie shrieked as warm, watery fecal matter ran down the back of her collar and soaked her clothes. Joe had gotten a mouthful and vomited into the bushes while Pip whined with displeasure. Spotting them, Fred Smythe screeched Little Joe's name and darted toward them through the shower of half-decomposed poo. Halfway across the yard, he slipped in a brown puddle and crashed to the ground as the geyser finally began to subside.
"Time to go, Josie!" Joe croaked, still retching. He grabbed Josie's slimy arm and hauled her to the sidewalk, where they smacked right into a drenched, disgruntled man. He was so covered in filth that his face was indistinguishable, but even under a thick layer of muck, there was no mistaking the tin star pinned to his vest. Josie broke out in a cold sweat.
"Sheriff!" Little Joe squeaked. He turned and spit a brown blob out of his mouth. "What, uh, what are you doin' way over here? Thought your office was on Main Street."
"It is," the sheriff replied. His voice was cold and hard. "But I happened to be checking in on one of our elderly citizens and thought I heard an explosion from over here. Arrived just in time for the second blast and this lovely bath. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?" His steely glare darted between Joe and Josie.
Josie's voice failed her completely while Joe emitted a series of high-pitched squeaks more suited to a frightened mouse. To make matters worse, Fred Smythe came around the corner of the house just then.
"Sheriff!" he hollered. A sticky glob dripped from the finger he pointed at Josie and Little Joe. "These two are responsible for this mess! They blew up my outhouse!"
"I was wondering why they were in such a hurry to get out of here," the sheriff said. He wrinkled his nose. "Apart from the obvious."
"Hey, now, you can't prove we did anything!" Joe protested. The sheriff hesitated, and for a split second, Josie thought they just might get off the hook.
Until William Poole came huffing and puffing down the street.
"Little Joe!" he shouted when he spotted them. "Joe! Oh my goodness! Thank God you're all right! I recognized the sound of my charges, and I was terrified you and Dr. Cartwright had blown yourselves to pieces."
Fred smiled smugly as the sheriff turned to Poole.
"You sold the boy some charges?"
"Well, yes, sheriff. Just a couple hours ago. Said he needed them for an experiment his brother was doing out on the Ponderosa." Poole looked around and pulled his shirt collar up over his nose. "What the hell happened here?"
"Ponderosa?" The sheriff pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket, found a corner that was still more or less clean, and wiped some of the foul gunk from Joe's face. "You're one of Ben Cartwright's boys!" He glanced at Josie. "And who are you?"
"J- Josie," she squeaked, wishing she could sink into the sidewalk. "I'm one of Ben Cartwright's boys, too. Well, except I'm a girl. And I'm not really his, see, he's my uncle, and-"
The sheriff cut her off. "Either of you deny buying charges from William Poole this morning?"
"No, sir," Joe muttered. He spat again, another brown blob hitting the sidewalk.
"No, sir," Josie echoed in a whisper.
"Either of you deny using those charges to make this mess?" He swept one arm around to indicate the feces-covered street and pedestrians, most of whom had gathered around to glare at the Cartwrights.
"We didn't mean to make a mess, Sheriff!" Joe said. Josie nodded so vigorously in agreement that muck flew from the brim of her soaked hat and spattered on William Poole. "We just wanted to bring down his outhouse. But one of the charges sort of fell down into the hole, see, and it got a little out of hand."
"A LITTLE out of hand?!" the sheriff roared. "Son, you've coated half a block in human manure! What have you got to say for yourself?"
Joe shrank down and shrugged his shoulders. "Oops?" he said hopefully.
"Cartwright, you and your cousin are under arrest. Hand over your weapons."
Little Joe sighed as he slowly unbuckled his gun belt and handed it to the sheriff. Josie, having never been in so much trouble in her life, shook so badly she couldn't get hers unbuckled.
"It's all right, Josie," Joe whispered as he helped her with the buckle. "We'll get this straightened out."
"I don't want to go to jail, Joe!" Josie whimpered. Her hazel eyes brimmed with tears.
William Poole turned to the sheriff.
"Hang on, Sheriff!" he protested. "You can't arrest a woman!"
"I most certainly can, and I will!" the sheriff replied. "You got a problem with that, Poole, I'll arrest you, too, for aiding and abetting!"
William Poole gave Josie and Little Joe a sympathetic glance but stepped aside so the sheriff could march the Cartwright cousins down the sidewalk. They hadn't taken more than two steps when the sheriff noticed the massive dog following along.
"What the hell is that?" he shouted, pointed a finger at Pip.
"That's Pip," Josie said quietly. "My dog."
"THAT'S a dog?!"
"Well, he looks a lot better when he's not coated in excrement. But he's real friendly. Please don't make me send him off."
The sheriff sighed and hung his head. "Fine. Bring him along. Let's just get out of this mess."
Accompanied by the jeers of angry pedestrians, the sheriff marched Josie, Little Joe, and Pip down the sidewalk toward Main Street and the Genoa Jail, all four of them leaving a trail of feces in their wake.