Disclaimer - It eventually arrives, moving out of the twilight. It surprises me every time how human they look. It looks up at me, throws its backpack down, looking defenceless. I know better. It stares at me for a second, then darts forward. I'm shocked by its movement - starving to death, and it can still outpace an athlete. It leaps at tree, breaking apart the trunk with a single crash. I aim the pistol and fire - at this range, what can it do?, I thought. I soon had my answer. It was hit in the face, and knocked to ground. but then it stood up again, the round between its teeth. Its face is broken into pieces, teeth bent, but it still functions! It spits it out, and says 'One shot left.' I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

I decided to increase my efforts on my Operation Enduring Resistance, working overnight for several days and accidentally leaving my son at school for three hours. It turns out Blackhammer was right – clockmakers really are part of a conspiracy!

However, soon my work was interrupted again. It was signalled by a knock on my door. 'Come in!' I shouted out.

'Just me, Major.' Brightsilver walked into the room. 'I need my stuff back.'

'Oh right? You have your office back?' For the last week, Brightsilver had been storing papers in my office.

'Yes, they finished off the investigation. I heard Colonel Mustang killed the one who did it. Nasty stuff.' She picked a pile of forms and files. 'By the way, I saw your friend wandering around recently.'

'Really? Major Broadside is back from the Aerugo border?' He was head of the militaries naval division. He had under his command the entire navy – two whole boats!

'Eh, no sir.' Brightsilver said. 'I meant the Fullmetal Alchemist.'

'What!' I shouted, shock filling me. 'But he is no friend of mine!'

'Sarcasm, Major.'

'Right!' I clenched my fists. 'Well then, it seems I must prepare for action!' I opened the door to the main room. 'Blackhammer!' I shouted, making him drop his knitting. Well, no harm done, the fuse wasn't complete yet. 'What are the basic ingredients of gun cotton?'

Blackhammer saluted. 'Cellulose, ammonia and oxygen sir!'

'How would create a steel bar without an iron?'

'Transmute aluminium – it's a two to one combination!'

'Why should you never transmute a material with high unnecessary phosphoric mass?'

'um, you'll shout at me if I do?'

I sighed. 'It can create white phosphorus, Blackhammer. Which is explosive.'

'Yes sir! Explosions are bad, sir!'

'Well, I hate to say it, but you will not be able to catch up on your alchemical knowledge today. I have a mission of vital importance! Search the washing!'

'Yes sir! Um, for what, sir?'

'For misplaced items of course! Now get to it! I must return to Operation Enduring Resistance!' I was nearing completion – as long as I could figure how to prevent special dye in the cloth I was using dissolving in rain. I was afraid of giving the Fuhrer a black eye.

'So, I should probably go.' Brightsilver said. 'Let me know if there's something stupid going on.'

The joke is on Brightsilver – we never do anything hilarious, but serious work for the good of the state! Except Blackhammer's knitting, I suppose. That is hilarious.

After an hour, Blackhammer came back into my office. 'Sir, I've finished the search. Everything was where it was supposed to be!'

'Excellent!' I said. 'then we may begin Operation Blackhammer Does Nothing For Several Hours!'

Blackhammer looked worried. 'Is that an ironic title, sir?'

'It is a literal title, Blackhammer.' I had otherwise had writers block for names – it was either this or ask Blackhammer for ideas. An intolerable position. 'You will be sitting on a chair for as long as necessary.'

'Doing what, exactly?' He asked.

'You will do nothing but watch for people delivering washing.' I told him. 'And if the Fullmetal Alchemist does his terrible deed again, then we will be able to catch them in the act!'

'Sir, can I ask a question? Why do we hate them?'

'That is a foolish question, Blackhammer. Do not let their age and short stature fool you–

'The one I met was pretty tall, sir.'

'-if you stare into their eyes, you will surely see pure evil!' I guessed. I honestly hadn't stared into their eyes. 'Now go!'

He left, and I began to continue my work. The trap was set. Now I just had to wait for him to take the bait. Just like fishing for a minnow, and a larger minnow who was hollow and made of metal. And the minnows were alchemists who misplaced their washing. My analogues need work.

At the end of the day, I left my office to find Blackhammer was still sitting at the washing bags. 'Nothing yet, Private?' i asked.

'No sir. But I did write this useful nomonic to remember the periodic table!'

'Oh really, Blackhammer? Lets here it!'

Blackhammer pulled out a piece of paper. 'Harriet Helens Little Bean Bbq Caters Nick Or Fred. Neville Nags Mugs All Side. Paper Stores Clever Arguments, K? Callum Scammed Tim Valiantly. Crockery Meditation Feet. Colbalt.' He paused. 'and that's as far as I've got.'

'It needs work, Blackhammer.' I opened the door to leave. 'Well let me know if the Fullmetal Alchemist returns.'

'What?' Blackhammer said. 'But I've got a date tonight sir!'

'Are you willing to let it compromise the mission, Blackhammer?' I asked him. 'What if he were to return in the night, and place his clothing in them without our knowledge? What then, Blackhammer? What then?'

'We could tie them up and put them in your office, sir?' He said.

'Oh right. Yes, I suppose that could work.' I admitted.

The next morning, we began our duties. I discovered that a modified eyepatch over each eye still left me unable to produce consistently sized socks. However, I discovered much less from Blackhammer's end. All morning, and not a word from Blackhammer.

'Maybe they won't come here, sir.' Blackhammer said, as I came out to go to lunch. 'After all, they're not actually allowed to have personal effects washed here, are they? They may not want to bother now.'

'I doubt it, Blackhammer. We must always be vigilant! At all times! Anyway, I'm off for lunch.' I said, heading out the door.

I headed towards the mess, but I stopped as I saw a piece if wool lying on the floor. I sighed, picking it up. Blackhammer's creations were truly terrible. Maybe I should start actually telling him how to do it.

However, my stopping meant I now heard a voice coming round the corridor – the voice of Edward Elric himself!

'He's gone now. Let's do it then, shall we?'

'Brother, is this really a good idea? It might just backfire and get us into trouble?' spoke the voice of the metal Elric.

'Listen, I want him out of the way to deal with Scar, and this make him busy for hours! It'll be fine!'

'So what is going on?' I asked, leaping round the corner. The Elrics had walked round corner. Edward was holding a pile of shirts.

'Oh, nothing!' The Fullmetal alchemist said. 'Just putting some shirts to be washed.' He held them out, grinning.

'I see.' I looked on for any deception. 'May I take them?'

'Of course?' Smiling, Edward handed them to me. I inspected them, looking for anything suspicious. There was nothing – just normal shirts.

'Very well.' I said. I placed them in the whites bag. 'I'll deal with shortly.'

'Oh thanks, that's great – now Ling, get em!' And with that shout, a figure burst past me, leaping over me and throwing something into the white bag. I looked on with horror. It was a broken bottle, spilling out some dye into the bag!'

'That's a special dye.' Edward said. 'It binds too strongly for alchemy – you'd have to break down the shirts to make them clean that way. And one is Mustangs – and he wants it on his desk today!' Letting out a laugh of pure evil the three figures ran off, as I shook my fist at them.

'You win this time Fullmetal, but I will have my revenge!'

And indeed I will! But now I must accept my defeat, I fear! I have been out foxed, despite my attempt to be in foxed! But I will win again! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!

Ah, Major Broadside. It may just be a shout out, but I'm slowly putting my RP characters into my fics. Secondly Broadside, first was Conduit ( For anyone who read Legend of Lai, Conduit was LARP character I played. He was pretty much the same, expect he was less powerful. Still managed to invaded Hell and Heaven for Maguffin's, until a demon, angle and human teamed up and killed him. Good times)

I've been finding the chapters with canon characters the hardest to write at the moment. Would anyone mind if I wrote more chapters purely with OC's? Unless I move Egbert from his little hidey hole, I'm going to have trouble making them keep interacting anyway.