Disclaimer - blood streaming down his face, it came at me. It smashed a branch to ground as it did so, uncoordinated - did I manage to do some damage? I had to hope so. Pushing off another branch, it leaped at me, smashing me upwards, and grabbing my neck. With a grip like a vice, in one hand it started to strangle me. I acted on instinct. I pulled out my gun and fired. The bullet caught it in the neck. Both of us fell, but I desperately managed to cling onto a broken branch. It was not so lucky. it twisted as it fell, but gravity has no escape. It smashed on rocks below. I looked on at it, but it was on injury it many. Slowly, coughing up blood, it said 'You maybe free of me, but will you be ever be free of the truth you will hear eternal?' And then it died. I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

The morning broke like a thread pulled apart in the tapestry of life – gold, fraying around the edges, about to bring despair! For you see, this morning a terrible event occurred!

I had just returned from an official investigation into Sophie's two for one deal on socks (the jokes on her – you have to buy a single pair to get that. Though I did have to buy thirteen single unmatched socks to prove someone would buy a single sock) to find Blackhammer waiting, looking nervous.

'I think we have a problem, sir.' He held out a letter in his hand. 'It's from internal affairs.'

'What?' I replied, taking the letter and opening it up. I looked at the letter flabbergasted. 'We're under investigation!'

'We are?' Blackhammer asked. 'You sure it's not just you, sir? Or the department?'

'Private, as your commanding officer, I am capable of delegating many things onto you should i need to– laundry, cleaning up after incidents, teaching Private Blackhammer – and I can certainly delegate an investigation on me onto you.'

'I'm not sure that's how an investigation works, sir.'

'He's right – you can't, Egbert. Or should I say Egg-fart!?' said a voice from behind me. I turned around to see my nemesis standing in the door way – Anna Larkoff, the Glass Alchemist!

'It is Egbert. And how long have you been waiting to see me?'

'About half an hour. Totally worth it!' She was mad as ever. She did not have the sense of priority I possessed. 'And you should salute a superior officer, Laundry Alchemist.' She pointed at her uniform – it had changed. 'I'm Captain Larkoff now.'

How could this have happened? She must have put on an air of goodness around someone to be promoted this far – or perhaps found someone who's evil matches hers? Reluctantly, I saluted.

'I suppose you've broken through the glass ceiling?' Blackhammer said jokingly as he too saluted.

That wiped the smile of Anna's face. 'How dare you!' she shouted at him. 'I wanted to make that joke!'

'What do you want, Captain Larkoff?' I asked.

'I'm here for your investigation, of course!' she said. 'Since being made Captain, I have authority from General Phalanx to investigate any problems I might see in the military. So of course I first thought of you.' She grinned again. 'I hope you're cottoning on?'

There was silence. 'You see, cottoning is a cloth, and cottoning on can mean – anyway! I need access to your files to begin my investigation!'

'Very well, Larkoff.' I opened the door to my office for her. 'But you will find nothing of any reproach here! I am the model of a soldier, this department a model of efficiency-'

'Why is there a map of Central with several circles labelled 'Blast radius' drawn on it?'

'That proves nothing!' That side project was never really going anywhere.

The good thing about that day was I finally managed to get a working prototype for Operation Enduring Resistance ready. However, my mood was ruined once more when Larkoff came out of my office, note book in hand like some kind of evil notebook holder. 'Well, guess I'll get the glass laugh on you, Cloth!' the Glass Alchemist said, opening the notebook. 'Let's see what I have here. Wasting military funds on pointless expenditure –'

'Those maskerade masks doubled as gas masks – a saving overall! Plus they can act as very useless shovels!'

'-stealing a room from a general by lying about a project from the Fuhrer–'

'I didn't lie! I presented facts in a way which were completely devolved from context to suit my own needs, that's all!'

'not reporting the activities of the wanted criminal Scar, who attacked you-'

'I've never met that individual! That's nothing but slander!'

Larkoff closed the book. 'Oh I'm going to have fun showing this to General Phalanx.' She walked towards the door. 'See you in Briggs, Shortwood!' She paused at the door. 'Is that actually a pun, or – doesn't matter.' She left. As she did, I put my head in my arms.

'I can't go to Briggs!' I cried. 'I needed you to go to Briggs!'

'Wait, what?' Blackhammer said.

'No matter, Private. We must stop her, at all cost!'

'But how, sir? It's hard to argue with her arguments.' Blackhammer paused. 'How did you get away with stuff before I showed up?'

'Oh, I generally made a free custom suit for someone who disagreed with my flawless methods, and they would shut up.'

'that won't work on Phalanx?' Blackhammer asked.

'I doubt it, Blackhammer.' I sighed. 'He's as fashionable as a mammoth! He simple doesn't care about clothing, if you could imagine that.'

'Wait, were mammoth's especially unfashionable? I'm not sure that analogy works sir.' Blackhammer said.

'In any case, there is only one option!' I cried. 'We must steal the Glass Alchemists notebook, so she has nothing to report!'

'I'm not sure that'll work sir. She may just remember things. With her memory, sir.'

'Oh.' I thought long and hard. 'Then we must do the only other thing we can do!'

'Tell her her knitting's good?'

'NEVER!' I cried. 'I will handle this personally, Blackhammer, if you're going to come out with silliness like that.'

'Thank you, sir.' Blackhammer wiped his brow.

'And by handle personally, I mean you're driving.'

'This is the place.' I said. 'Pull over.'

I got out of the car outside of the main dock area, by the river. The cries of gulls mixed with engine roar gave a brief reminder to the distant sea. 'Here we are.' I said, stretching out my arms.

'I don't get it.' Blackhammer said. 'What does this have to do with getting you off?'

'What do you know about General Phalanx?'

'Nothing – I've never heard of him until today.'

'Well, he is responsible for managing the logistics of supply to the military commands. Most the material is either constructed or passes through Central, so he's responsible for the docks and other non-field portions of the army. Captain Larkoff's job is to locate those who dishonour the rest of the military, those who's inefficiencies fail their duty and make a mockery of us!

'Now, one place where there is much problem is here, in the city docks. Many soldiers are rumoured to take bribes. This is where Larkoff should actually have her work focused! So, if e were to find evidence of a soldier – ideally high up – taking bribes, then the work she was doing investigating us would look like she was simply wasting her time! Which of course, she is!'

'So you just hope to go looking around and randomly see someone who is taking a bribe, without any preparation work? Isn't that a little haphazard?' Blackhammer asked.

'I never do anything haphazard! Has there ever been a single time I have gone inti something with insufficient planning?'

'Well,'

'That was rhetorical, Blackhammer.'

'Right, sir.'

'I was going to say that since Colonel Mustang asked me to keep an ear to the ground, I've been listening to the gossip Corporal Brightsilver hears about. She told me a Sergeant Icestave, who recently bought an expensive gold pocketwatch!'

'On a Sergeant's salary? That's pretty suspicious. I can barely afford to eat at the moment. ' Blackhammer asked.

'Private, don't you have meals in your lodgings?'

'That's how I'm currently able to barely eat, sir.'

'In any case, I think that it's pretty simple what we do – we go in, find Sergeant Icestave, wait to see something suspicious, then arrest him for it!'

'Right! Good plan, sir!'

'Thank you, Private.' I got out my whips and transmutation gloves. 'You got a gun, Private?'

'They haven't given me a gun since I was assigned to you, sir.'

'Just for the best –for our department does not fight with guns, but with wit, cunning, and eventually when we get it right, giant explosions! Let's go, Blackhammer.'

We head through the dock yards. I was looking for warehouse 8, where Sergeant Icestave was responsible for guarding. Finding it, we used my whips to get up to the top of the opposing warehouse. There we lay pressed to the roof, hidden, and waited.

Some time passed. As the moon rose, Blackhammer looked at me. 'By the way, do we actually know what Sergeant Iceshard looks like?'

There was a pause. 'Not as such.' Maybe I should have checked.

'Right.' There was another pause. 'Um, do we actually know if he's going to be here tonight.'

'Again, not as such.'

'So how are we going to be certain?'

'Quiet, Blackhammer. Look!' For the tapestry of life had twisted in my favour. I saw two men heading towards the warehouse. A soldier nodded to them, and let them inside.

'Alright, time to go investigate, Blackhammer!' I said. 'It is time to do what we are paid for!'

'Sir, we are in no way paid for this.'

'To victory!' I cried, latching onto a lamppost with a whip, flying out towards the guards. Blackhammer cried out 'remember, we're under investigation! Do it by the book!'

'Thank you, Blackhammer!' I shouted back. 'Cloth Alchemist, Major Egbert Longwood!' I shouted at the soldiers below. As I landed, I pulled out my pocket watch. 'I need to go inside. It's part of the investigation.' Out of the corner of my eye, i saw Blackhammer put his heads in his hand. I can't think why.

'Sir, I don't think you're allowed in.' One of the guards said.

'Really? And what about those two you let in?' I asked.

'Emm, RUN GUYS!' he shouted out.

'Why thank you!' I replied. Now I could begin without a problem. As the two guards tried to run, I grabbed their uniforms. A transmutation wrapped them up in a more stylish straightjacket. 'Stay there!' I cried out, kicking down the door to the warehouse.

Inside, I was shocked at what I saw. There were pile of military weaponry, boxes of ammunition and crates of rifles piled up. Inside, a truck labelled 'Fred Mitchell's quality cheeses' was half loaded with supplies. The two men, along with a uniformed man I assumed to be Sergeant Iceshard were trying to get in the truck. As I raced forward, the truck began to fly forward, smashing open the door of the warehouse.

'Oh no you don't!' I said. Transmuting my whips, they flicked out, latching onto the vehicle. Unfortunately, I had had a major oversight in bringing my cape. Without it to carry me in the air, I was slammed forward, smashing my face on the ground. It had been a while.

Holding on as tight as I could, I transmuted my final whip. It slammed forward, and the metal nail in it pierced the tire of the truck. Thrown off balance, it flew all over, and tipped up, crashing in a ditch. I jumped at the last second, landing controlled on my two feet. Then I fell over. Doing that landing at high speeds really hurt. Ouch.

Slightly limping, I went over to the truck, and tied the occupants in their clothes. Blackhammer ran over to me. 'The military police have arrived, sir. Are you ok?'

'I'm fine, Blackhammer.' I surveyed the scene. 'Good work, Private. You head home, I'll sort out the rest now.'

'So Sergeant Iceshard was selling weapons to rebels in the East?' General Phalanx asked me.

'That's what his middlemen told us.'

'Well, this is good work, Longwood.' Phalanx looked at the Glass Alchemist sitting next to me. 'Any why didn't you investigate this, Captain? It seems there were already rumours flying round to look at.'

'I'm sorry, General. I just thought-'

'Enough. From now, you'll do the investigations I give you till I think you'll prioritise properly. Thank you, Major.'

'Not at all – I am always happy to help!' I looked at Anna. 'I suppose you've been siliconned!'

'I do the puns – stop stealing them!'

'That's enough.' General Phalanx said.

I left the room full of pride. I had proven my value to the state, stopped a traitor, and most importantly really annoyed Larkoff. But I must always be vigilant! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!

I'll be honest, I brought Anna back in to make that glass ceiling joke. Eh, its one way to write a story. Not like I could plot out coherent clever story arcs, that'd be silly.

I'd like to as for feedback about the disclaimer story by the way. I have a plan for what will happen with that, but do people enjoy them? I'm considering increasing the amount I do of them per story, but if no one likes them I won't bother. It'd be nice to know anyway.