This updated yesterday but the alert just now went out because ffn is f*cking with all of us.
XOXO, Ex
The delicious smell of simmering tomatoes and crushed garlic surrounds as the young hostess greets us. She grabs menus and silverware for two, motioning for us to come with her. I regret not wearing something a little nicer today.
Sounds of smooth, classic jazz and clinking silverware flow about as we're led through the dimly lit restaurant. High above us, there are twinkly lights strung from the rafters and green ivy hangs, giving an enchanted garden feel to the quaint and casual atmosphere. It's comfortable and charming here and with Edward following so closely behind, it's electric. I can feel his eyes on my skin as I move.
The setting is intimate, no children in sight, only couples sprinkled around, each leaning into the other, talking quietly… enjoying their meals as we come to a secluded booth in the back corner.
Once we're seated, we listen to the hostess give her suggestions for starters before telling us our waitress will be right over.
We sit in comfortable silence, looking over the menu, trading glances at one another… trading smiles when we catch each other glancing.
This is something different… this thing between Edward and me, and had I just taken a moment longer to actually think about what I was doing…
My nerves flare up as I briefly panic that I've made the wrong decision. Less than thirty minutes ago I was on the phone with Briggs talking about flying out for a visit and now here I sit, a blur of moments later, wondering how this even happened.
I'm having dinner with Edward Cullen.
And I don't know that I'm strong enough for this.
Because temptation has eyes that speak silent seductive words... and had I known the this magnetic attraction would be so strong, even after Briggs, I might have thought this over a little more.
But temptation is persuasive.
And I'm feeling a little weak.
"What can I get you to drink?" Heavy in my thoughts, I hadn't noticed the waitress at my side, but it's a most welcome interruption.
"I'll take a shot of your house tequila and a glass of Pinot Grigio, please."
Edward looks to me with surprise, but orders a beer, with a polite 'thank you,' instead of commenting on my gluttonous choice of beverages.
He doesn't speak until the waitress is out of earshot. His eyes burn intensely and an amused smirk rises as he sits across from me. "Do I make you nervous, Bella?"
I give him honesty as I cross my legs under his continued stare. "Yes. Very."
This thing between us is something visceral; it's alive and seems to be spreading with unstoppable force.
"And you think a few drinks will cure that?" He's got a sarcastic tone, and a confident smile.
Without looking at him I reply, "It'll calm my nerves. Hopefully." I nervously move the medallion on my necklace back and forth along the chain as I watch an elderly man, a few tables away, help his wife out of her chair.
He laughs a little, briefly looking down, letting his long dark lashes fall against his cheeks before opening back up to eyes that hint at sincerity and playfulness.
"You don't have to be nervous with me, Bella. I'm not gonna bite you. Not tonight at least."
My belly burns with nerves, my anxiety peaking every time we speak.
"Okay… thanks, I guess?"
And now we sit with a giant elephant between us. One that I'm trying to ignore. One that he isn't.
I try to keep my eyes from his as I nervously scan the menu. I don't know how to look at him and not be attracted to him.
He's gorgeous, seductive and in-charge.
And he knows it.
And while I'm so glad that we're steering clear of having the conversation, I think it's making the anticipation of it that much worse. It would be better to just get it out of the way so that I can fucking breathe.
The waitress slides the shot and the glass of wine in front of me and the relief I feel with my hands around the tiny glass spreads instantly as I take it back. She doesn't even get the lemon wedge to the table before the clear liquid warms me and she asks, in an amused tone, if I'd like another.
I tell her no thank you and she acquiesces, placing a glass of ice water and a draft beer in front of Edward before leaving.
Edward continues to stare at me.
It's driving me insane. Feeling like I'm under a microscope.
"Edward, I have a boyfriend." The warmth from the liquor hasn't even spread all the way up yet and it comes out.
"And?" He quickly replies, unbothered, because nothing fazes him.
"And I'm thinking that maybe, I dunno." I nervously chew on my lip before continuing, "Maybe I shouldn't be here... with you... like this."
I focus in on the tiny candle in the center of the table as he replies.
"Bella, whatever you've got going on with that Jake guy… that's between you and him. I don't need to know about it."
I look at him then and he continues in that tone he sometimes gets. "You're you, I'm me, and we're friends. This is completely separate from that."
He brings the frosty mug to his lips and I watch as he takes a sip and places the mug back on the table, his eyes back on mine. He speaks again.
"Ease up… it's not like I brought you here to strip you naked and fuck you senseless on the table in front of everyone. You can relax." There's a wide, suggestive smile across his face.
Despite what just came out of his mouth, I toss aside the visual he's just knowingly placed because I'm stuck on the mention of Jake. So I take the glass of wine, sipping more casually than I would like to before speaking.
"Jake isn't my boyfriend." I say this to my glass of wine as I set it on the table with hopes that I don't gulp it down the next time it meets my lips.
"So tell me what I'm missing." He's so cool and relaxed, arm across the back of the booth, beer in his hand.
"I'm gonna need another drink for this." I can't believe I'm about to spill all of this.
"Maybe it's not alcohol that you need."
He's not gonna make this easy.
I take another sip of wine, as gracefully as my nerves will allow, and with his sincere voicemails in mind... I go with honesty. "That thing you saw with Jake and me, that was just me trying to get under your skin."
"You were already there." The words leave his lips instantly, he says them with ease.
And there he goes again. The sending me flowers, leaving sweet voicemails, showing up at my house, inviting me to dinner, looking and smelling so damn good it's hard for me to concentrate. The small fleeting touches, intense looks, his fucking words.
How he looks at me when he speaks.
He's coming in like the ocean… big waves.
I just need enough air to get this out without his words that put me right back under.
Every time.
The fear that I'll be defeated before I'm even able to start the fight looms heavily over me, and I don't know what that means for my relationship with Briggs. The very one I feel like I'm defending. The one that has me feeling so weak now.
"I'm with Briggs."
He puts his beer down and waits on me to finish, so I continue.
"Briggs kind of happened that same night… after I saw you."
"You didn't just see me that night, from what I recall..." He looks to me with a raised brow and suggestive eyes. "But let me get this straight… you've been with this guy two seconds and you're calling him your boyfriend?"
It all sounds so elementary. Me hanging on Jake, then kissing Edward and then claiming a boyfriend. I mean, on paper it looks preposterous. It certainly sounds ridiculous, but I lived it. It was anything but.
"It's not like that Edward, I've known him for months now. I met him the same day I met you…"
He briefly looks offended and leans in speaking softly, "You met me long before that day, Bella." His eyes look deeper into me, reminding me of a past so long ago it's hard to recall.
"You know what I mean Edward... it's all been building up since that day and it just… happened that night."
He smiles, shrugging off any offense he might have felt, "And now you're here with me." He says this matter-of-factly.
"Short version, yes."
"The way I see it, I was first. And look at you now, after all of them. I'm last as well." He has a boastful look on his face.
His effort is flattering, but I feel like I have to gain some control here.
"I'm not a game, Edward. You said we could be friends."
His calm, friendly demeanor is whisked away and replaced with a serious, pleading tone as he speaks quietly. "Is that what you really want, Bella?" He leans in, closer to me. "You want me to just be your friend?"
I move my eyes from his.
"You're only twenty-two years old…"
I lift up in rebuttal, "I'll be twen.."
"Twenty-three in a month. I know."
I look at him puzzled. He raises an eyebrow, "I know a lot more about you than you think I do, Bella." He gives me a pointed look.
I don't even know what to say. It all sounds so stupid that I'm kind of embarrassed and feeling juvenile. But then again, Edward always had a way of making me feel like that. Like he's somehow more adult than I am.
But now he has me thinking… does Briggs know when my birthday is? Do I know when his is? Does that matter?
Edward senses my discomfort and speaks softly from across the table,"I'll be whatever you want me to be Bella. You want me to be your friend? You got it."
His phone vibrates and he presses a button to dismiss a phone call, looking briefly from his phone and back to me before speaking again. "I'm not trying to run your life or force you into anything." He takes another sip of his beer and reaches across the table, taking my fingers from the glass of wine I'm rubbing. "I'll be here when you're ready… I'll be right here when you realize that I'm the guy for you." And when he lets my fingers go, I miss his touch immediately.
He's making this incredibly hard. Seeing this soft side of him is making me question everything.
The waitress is beside us then and the seriousness of this conversation has taken my appetite. "Are you ready to order?"
I sit quietly, still tossing over everything he's just said.
I take another sip of wine, looking to him, and he orders for both of us. I don't mind… I can't think straight much less decide on a meal.
.
.
.
In cocky Edward fashion, a large decorated plate of steamed mussels and oysters are placed in the middle of the table. Edward immediately preps each aphrodisiac with a squeeze of lemon.
I tell him I'm having none of it.
He lifts a crooked smile that says otherwise, while squeezing, "So where is this guy you call your boyfriend?"
I don't even want to say but it spills right out as I frown at the second glass of wine in my grip. "He's in New York."
Edward smiles, tossing the lemon to the side and lifts his beer, his eyes shining in victory, "How convenient for me then."
I politely say what has to be said. "Edward you've gotta stop."
His effort is humorous and I must admit, flattering… but right now, it's hard enough as it is.
And now I find myself in Briggs shoes, back in Jess's kitchen, that day he told me not to make it hard on him. When he set those boundaries between us.
Irony is such a bitch.
"I'll make a deal with you." He reaches for an oyster, placing the shell in his fingers. "You eat one of these, and I'll back off."
He says this so earnestly, like his life depends on it.
The alcohol helps with the thought of the slimy object sliding down my throat as I take it out of his hand, grabbing the tiny fork and placing it in my mouth.
Once I swallow, I smile to him with one question. "So… friends?"
He agrees. "Friends."
.
.
.
We continue on sharing food and talking freely. The alcohol calms my nerves and believe it or not, Edward Cullen makes me laugh.
He shares memories of elementary with me…memories of kids I had long forgotten coming to the forefront of my mind. I smile fondly when he reminds me how I used to share my lunch with him and when he tells me why, my heart stutters. A blurry memory of him flits through my mind and it feels warm.
He fills me in on his girlfriend and goes on to tell me about their split, that it wasn't as awful as he thought it would be, for her. It was worse on his dad than anyone. His dad was furious with him because one of his most important clients was her father.
And I briefly feel sorry for Edward having to live with a father like that. How selfish can someone be? To put their greed above their own son's needs?
I've gotten a view into Edward Cullen's hardened heart through this conversation, his smile, his sincere laughs. Those voicemails he left and his tender touch, also said a lot about him but seeing his face when he talks about his mother is something different.
I get the feeling that, deep deep down, Edward is more tender than anyone could ever imagine.
.
.
.
Stuffed with various pastas, seafood and wine, I can't entertain the thought of dessert. Edward seems to agree as he asks for the check and then turns his soft eyes back to me.
Somewhere in between the talk of just friends, the laughter and the memories of our childhoods… the intensity and nervousness dropped away, and was replaced with a soft glowing feeling of warmth and fun.
A feeling of comfort.
.
.
.
He leads me through the charming restaurant touching the small of my back… making me feel a deep desire for him that I try my best to push far far away.
Night has fallen and once we pass through the door to the parking lot, a calm breeze blows. He gently sees me into the passenger side of his car before making his way beside me once again.
Edward doesn't speed on the dark ride home.
He takes his time, glancing over at me every few minutes or so. It makes heat prickle over my skin.
Pressed into leather, and consumed by Edward Cullen's scent, I squeeze my legs tightly together anticipating how the rest of this will go. That crackling intensity has begun to flare its way back up my spine.
The change of scenery, from the warm fuzzy flow of the alcohol in the comfortable dim-lit booth, to the close confines of this dark small car has shifted the energy from calm and warm, to intense... and heavy with desire.
With words no longer flowing, it's clear we both have silent thoughts that are screaming.
I don't know how to break the silence without making it more awkward and as if on cue, his knuckles graze my thigh again as he reaches to turn the volume up, saving me from myself.
We ride in silence, both lost in our thoughts.
When we arrive in my driveway he shifts into neutral and turns the engine off, cutting the music as well.
It's silent and there's just us now.
I forgot to turn the porch light on earlier, so aside from the pale moonlight sinking onto the dashboard, and the dull gaze from the street light behind, darkness surrounds us.
Edward doesn't move and I don't either.
When I look at him, his eyes sparkle in the darkness and he speaks.
"Thank you for having dinner with me tonight." He lays his head against the headrest and his eyes gaze from mine, down, over my body.
It sets me on fire.
The alcohol has me envisioning inviting him in and giving into every ounce of desire I've withheld from myself tonight.
Nerves spike and adrenaline shoots panic through me as I struggle for the right words to say. The right way to behave... one moment I'm under his spell and going with the flow and the next, I'm reminded of Briggs. My responsibility to our relationship.
"I had fun." I say as I turn to dig for my key, letting my hair fall. The distraction from the look on his face is much needed.
As I dig through my purse I feel his finger on my skin. A soft touch tracing my cheek, pulling the curtain of hair that divides us, back, over my shoulder.
His voice is almost a whisper, "Why are you limiting your options when you're so young, Bella."
He says this with such a sad tone… it's not a question, he's making a statement.
I can't look at him. The way he looked at me alone struck me and now, feeling him touch me again?
"What do you mean?" I play dumb, still fumbling through my purse looking for the keys that are in plain sight.
I'm tired… all the treading through his waves earlier has worn me out. And when he doesn't answer, I look at him—his pleading eyes— and it takes the last of what little fight I had left.
He speaks with a determined matter-of-fact tone, "You can lie to yourself all you want, you can say that we'll just be friends, and I'll play along… I'll be that." He says the last three words earnestly, making sure I get his sincerity, and then continues, shaking his head, "But I know you don't really want that. There's a part of you that want's to see where this could go."
I can feel the blood pool at the surface of my cheeks. He's exactly right. I do want to see where it could go.
But I can't.
Briggs has been the forefront of almost every thought I've had since he woke me that night. But these new thoughts, this new possibility… it's very real. And what Edward's saying makes sense to me, I just...
I can't agree with him out loud, but if I were to deny it I'd be lying.
"Thanks for being my friend, Edward. I really enjoyed dinner." I reach to get out of the car and when I've got one leg out he loosely grabs my arm.
"Tell me you'll at least think about what I said tonight, and I'll never bring it up again."
I turn to look at him over my shoulder and I smile, before I stand, moving to close the door behind me. "You said that at dinner, too." My tone relays that I'm not upset with him. I understand why he isn't giving up the fight, and sadly, I like it.
I'm the worst girlfriend alive right now.
My fingers shake as I walk up the steps, feeling Edward's eyes on me.
A heavy sense that I've just done something wrong falls over me and I couldn't be more conflicted as the thought of Briggs once again crosses my mind.
Edward doesn't leave until I'm inside with the door locked and I instantly breathe a sigh of relief when his tail lights hit the road.
The more I think about what he said… 'you're so young,' 'you're limiting your options,' 'you know you want to see where this could go,' every single thing he said is so true.
But I'm with Briggs and I don't want to lose him.
When you fall in love you go all in, right? And that's what I did. I went all in with Briggs. But the question if he went all in with me is big and bold in my mind.
And now this overwhelming sense of responsibility to this new friendship I've forged with Edward weighs heavily.
And it's confusing to me. To feel so strongly about two people.
I don't love Edward.
But now I can't be positive that what I feel for Briggs is love either. Would I feel such response to Edward if this thing between Briggs and me was real love?
Endless questions sound in my head, but only one answer is certain.
I don't have all the answers, I only have my heart. And my heart tells me to hang onto Briggs and to be kind to Edward.
So that's just what I'll do while I'm figuring this whole thing out.
.
.
.
I wake to bright sunlight streaming through my window. Yawning, I pull the covers from my legs as I grab my phone from the nightstand.
I called Briggs a few times last night. He didn't answer.
I maybe got four hours of sleep last night. Mostly tossing, turning… thoughts of Briggs, thoughts of Briggs with Nahuel, thoughts of Edward and his seductive glare.
Rose also called last night. I answered and I'm glad I did. It felt good to get unfinished business squared away.
There's a commonality I have with Rose… I knew I couldn't just give up on her. I see the good in her, and I see the pain on her surface, how she hides from it just like I do, in the comfortable numb of distractions.
It was good to hear her voice, her contagious enthusiasm. We were able to talk about that night at the Clubhouse, and Briggs and me. While it was a tiny bit awkward, we were right back to laughing and chatting like normal in no time. She's twisted over Jake, which I find entertaining but not surprising. They make a cute couple.
She asked me to go to her brother's house with her tonight, he's having a get together and she promised him she'd come. Said she can't bring Jake, so I told her I'd be happy to go.
I had no idea Rose even had a brother, much less a twin.
My phone lights up with a call from Briggs.
I answer, so glad to hear his voice.
"Hey baby."
"Hey."
I can tell by his tone that something's wrong.
"What's wrong?"
"I'm hungover as fuck…" He breathes in and lets out a long breath before continuing exasperatingly. "And everything's upside down right now. Pops isn't doing good, and there's some shit goin' down with the club."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know much yet, I just know the Sheriff showed up there around 3am this morning with a warrant to search the place. She got one of my guns that wasn't registered… found some weed, but nothing major that I know of yet."
A dreadful feeling dumps on my chest. "Briggs… I'm so sorry. Is anyone in trouble?"
"No one got arrested but they seized a lot of our shit, and some stuff that wasn't ours, including one of the custom bikes we were working on. I gotta get back to town and help Jake figure this out."
"So you're coming home?" I can't help the excitement in my voice and I feel bad for being excited when it's under these terms. But imagining seeing his handsome face in person and feeling his touch has me soaring.
"Yeah, I just don't know when, or for how long yet. Money is tight, I might have to hire more help for while I'm gone and I gotta make sure Nahuel is going to be able to stay the whole time I'm away."
"I wish I could help." I tell him. He doesn't reply. I can hear him moving, the sound of running water is in the background. "I tried calling you last night." The insecurity is evident in my voice.
"Yeah, I'm sorry babe… I called as soon as I saw." He makes a yawning noise and I want to crawl through the phone and lay on top of him. "I went out with a few guys I met at the gym last night and I had too much to drink. Came home. Passed out. Don't even remember walking home. Woke up with a dozen missed calls."
"I wish I could have been with drunk Briggs last night."
"Nah, I'm paying for it. I could sure use you this morning though." He makes a low noise that stirs desire in me. "What'd you do last night?" He changes the subject quickly.
And there it is. Guilt as heavy as a blanket settles over me. Just then, my other line beeps in and it's Jess, so I tell him to hang on.
"Hey"
"Have you talked to Briggs today?"
"Yeah, I'm on the other line with him now."
"Well Seth told me some stuff and now I'm scared."
"Don't worry about it, he's already getting it under control. He said no one got arrested."
"I know but the way Seth made it sound, it hasn't all been resolved yet."
"Hey. You worry too much. The guys know how to handle themselves."
"I don't know Bella. I'm rethinking this whole thing with Seth. I mean... "
"Jess… chill out, everything will be fine, let me finish with Briggs and I'll call you back."
"Okay, tell him hey for me."
"I will."
When I click over I tell Briggs it was Jess and then I tell him how worried she is. He makes me feel a little better when he says worse shit has happened. But I can't help but think that something must be pretty wrong for him to have to come all the way home.
"Can you help me lift him up?" I hear Nahuel's voice in the background and Briggs tells me he has to go help her, that he'll call me later.
Hearing Nahuel's voice makes me nauseous.
My heart sinks to my ankles when I tell him 'sure' and he says he'll call me soon. We disconnect without saying I love you like we normally do.
Everything is changing.
No sooner than I've laid my phone on my bed and walked over to my closet, there's a text notification.
I take out a comfortable outfit for tonight, draping a necklace over the hanger, and I walk back to pick up my phone.
It's Edward.
friends give friends advice, right?
I tap out a quick 'yes' in reply
I feel a shift from feeling dreadful, insecure and sad, to happy and hopeful as I dive onto my bed, holding my phone above me, waiting to see what he'll say.
A text comes through.
Two images.
The first, a selfie of Edward from the neck down.
All I see is his beautiful, sculpted, smooth, naked chest.
Zings of lust shoot through me as I twist onto my stomach clutching my phone in disbelief.
He's got on a white unbuttoned shirt with rolled up sleeves that hangs on either side of his exposed chest and jeans with a belt, a nice watch on his wrist, and oh my god.
Edward's got a swimmer's body.
His smooth tanned pecs lead down to a lightly sculpted six pack that tucks deep into his jeans that hang so low on his hips. I run my fingers over the center of the picture.
A smile cracks wide across my face as I squeal and ogle the second picture. Which is nothing like the first.
In the second, he's fully clothed with a nice v-neck t-shirt and some khakis. And he wears clothes just like a model.
which should I wear tonight?
He knows what he's doing.
He so knows.
I text Jess and tell her to come over before texting him back and then I tap out what he wants me to: The button down (buttoned up) and jeans. Because I know he wanted me to see his chest. And though I shouldn't reward him, I can't help it.
He texts back 'thx' as I stare at the first image.
His chest. His abs. His crotch. His watch. My god. I should delete these pictures.
I try to think of something else.
So, I open Instagram and tap in a search for Nahuel.
Before Jess gets up the stairs I've found five possibles, but when I see her picture, I know I've found the right one.
And when I click on it, the feeling of dread I had moments ago is right back, as I scroll through beautiful images.
Beautiful images of people in love in New York City. Images of couples caught unaware. Images that yell love, lust, want, need and beauty. Images of an elderly man I recognize. Her photos are brilliant. But it's none of those pictures that captivate me.
It's the images of Briggs when he isn't looking. His tattoos. His smile. His lips. His gorgeous baby blue eyes.
I feel like I'm going to be sick.
.
.
.
Jess can't stand that I'm going anywhere with Rose tonight. She doesn't want to give her the benefit of the doubt and doesn't want to see her, so she leaves when Rose texts that she's on the way.
I understand where Jess is coming from, and she's got to work tonight anyway, so I don't feel bad that I'm leaving her out.
When Rose pulls up she gives me a vivid smile and it feels good to see her and to be getting out tonight. She catcalls to me as I walk to the tiny red car and the feeling of fun and possibility sinks right in like it always does when I'm with Rose.
Rose looks gorgeous as always when I hop in.
We're off and hugging curves when she looks to me, "So, me and Jazz… we look nothing alike. Everyone says we do, but we're total opposites. And before you ask, no we don't have that creepy e-s-p thing that all the other twins seem to have and thank fuck for that, you know?"
I agree with her and we laugh and chat about Jake and Briggs on the way. She senses my discontent when I answer her about Briggs. It's such a soft spot now. All this angst between us. The distance. The status of our relationship. What are we even doing? Is he with Nahuel behind my back? Does he still feel the way he used to about me? Is he in danger? Is he in trouble?
I zone out until we're pulling up to a small house with cars blocking the driveway and lines of cars down the street. Rose pulls onto the lawn as I scan all the parked cars.
There's one that stands out.
It's the same sleek, white Vette that dropped me off last night.
A/N: Visit the tumblr to see the picture that Edward sent her :) You can see all Thrust related things at exexboyfrienddottumblrdot com
A huge thank you to Lisa... your encouragement means everything to me. Thank you so much. Thank you to everyone that reviews and reads. Some of you are hilarious.
I'm getting PMs that ffn isn't letting you guys review chapter 34 ... I think this is because I deleted chapter 3 a few weeks ago, because I combined it with two. This somehow messed up the flow of the chapter counts. So I've moved a chapter to solve that. You can review here.
Sorry for the confusion. And as always thank you to the moon. And thank you, Lisa, Maplestyle and Fran... you guys made me laugh.