Disclaimer - I saw a light in the distance. Out of options, I headed for it - thankfully, it was a human. A charcoal burner, sitting alone. I couldn't risk anything - before he saw me, I leaped out the woods and raised my empty gun at him. 'The caged whale knows nothing of the mighty depths!' I cried to him. He responded 'While the caged sloth is completely free'. I sighed with relief. I was safe. I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

The next week brought the falling shadow of ineffective light bulbs as the northern clouds came down upon Central. The city was hit by hail and rain, throwing up mud upon the streets. Umbrellas filled the alley ways, turning it into a river of oil rolling across the city, threatening to burn it all asunder! Though oil would be on top of the water, so that metaphor breaks down a little.

The down side to this was, of course, the discomfort and the light chance of a fever. The upside was it was character building for Blackhammer.

'Are you sure this is the best day to do it, sir?' He asked me, trying to shelter under a tree.

'Of course!' I said, wiping my dripping hair out my eyes. 'Besides, it's something you'll need to get used to! During my training, we once spent three days out in a thunderstorm, lightning falling around us, ourselves the tallest thing for miles around! But did we flee? No! We stayed put till we were ordered to leave, to show we had the courage to be a solider! The times those skills have saved my life is uncountable!'

Blackhammer furrowed his brow. 'I thought you hadn't been in the field?' he asked.

'Never in my life!' Foolish Blackhammer – if he understood mathematics, he'd know that zero is uncountable.

I finally finished drawing the circle in the earth. Happy with it, I placed a bucket in the centre. 'This should be one of the simplest transmutations possible!' I said. 'The transmutation of water.' I placed my hands down, activating the circle. Rain falling was dragged into the bucket, filling it with sparks of alchemy. 'It involves only a single substance, no change in chemical or elemental structure. It is just moving things around! I think even you can move things, Blackhammer!'

'I can pick things up?' he hazarded.

'You'll need more than the ability to lift things, Private! But it isn't very difficult, trust me Blackhammer!'

'Just pull energy from the centre of the Earth, bring it up through zero distance, and move each individual water on its own all at the same time in an instance?'

'Right! A piece of cake!' I replied.

'I'm sorry, Major.' Blackhammer said. 'It's just I'm not even sure I know what to do. The books I read, they didn't seem to make it clear.'

'Private, I've already drawn the circle for you. That means all you need to do is, as you touch the circle, have an understanding in your mind's eye of what you want to create, and the starting materials. As long as you understand the nature of those two things, and ensure you account for equivalent exchange, then you'll have no trouble.'

Blackhammer brightened up. 'Really, sir? You believe I can do it?'

'Of course! When have I ever lied to you?' I had a list somewhere – I'd have to add this to it. But there's no other way to test progress.

'Now, Private, I want you to transmute the water in that bucket into ice. This requires you to release energy into the air, but you won't need to bring in additional energy. Now, let's see you do it, Blackhammer!'

Blackhammer nodded. He rubbed his hands together, and started to breath slowly. He closed his eyes, and kneeled down next to the circle. He opened his eyes again, stared at the bucket of water, and brought his hands down the to the transmutation circle.

Nothing happened.

Blackhammer looked at his hands, then rapidly, with increasing anger, put his hands up and down on the circle again and again. 'Damn it!'

'Never mind, Blackhammer.' I said, putting my hand on his shoulder. 'It takes time to get it right. You'll need to try and better understand about the structure of water to be able to do it.' I looked over the scene. 'Break up this circle, Blackhammer, and then we'll head back to the office.'

We arrived back at the department, where I got washed and changed from my water polluted clothes. I then got together some eye patches to take for the Fuhrer. He was happy with Operation Enduring Resistance, and had requested extra eye patches. Blackhammer was left to read up on theory of alchemy. I'd told him to not get the book wet. Sitting drowned drying slowly is character building.

However, as I walked to the entrance of the Fuhrer's office, I saw something so shocking that it nearly stopped my heart! A sight that I could never have imagined in my darkest nightmares, but never the less stood before me! For you see, I saw the Fullmetal Alchemist – walking out of the office!

With him were his brother, and Colonel Mustang. I leaped back around the corner, pining myself to the wall, out of sight of the Elric boy. He was here! Last time he was in Central, he had callously attacked washing! Could he think I would let an injustice like that stand?

I thought about what to do. If he was seeing the Fuhrer, did he have some influence that I did not? I would have to be careful, I would have to be cunning, I would have to be-

'What are you up to, Major?' a voice asked in front of me. I turned, to see the Colonel at the corner I was hiding near.

'Being stealthy, sir!' I replied instinctively, saluting.

'Well, Cloth, the Fullmetal Alchemist has gone. I don't think he saw you.' The Colonel wandered off, seemingly slightly distracted. I collected myself, took the eye patches to the office, and then creeped my way back to my office.

'So you see my predicament, Corporal.' I said to Brightsilver, standing at her desk. 'I must be careful moving against him if he has the Fuhrer's favour. So I must do it with great stealth!'

'Or,' Brightsilver replied. 'you could not do anything, and go on with your lives. And let me get on with mine.'

'You mean, let him continue after the terrible actions he has committed? Never!' That washing took an extra fifteen minutes than usual!

'Look, Major, they aren't officially soldiers, so bar they're home address, I can't give you much to tell you what they're going to be or going to be doing. I get reports from Colonel Mustangs department at least a week after they happen.' Brightsilver explained.

This was worrying. 'Then I must consider a new path!' I shouted. 'What are they working on? What is there research?'

'I'll check. It might say.' Brightsilver pulled out the file. 'That's interesting.' She said. 'It says they're looking for the Philosophers Stone.'

'What? That's madness!' I said. 'But if I hear a rumour of the Philosophers Stone, then they'll be going after it, so I'll find them there too!'

'Good look with that.' Brightsilver replied. 'Oh, actually there is something.' She pulled something out of the file, and placed it on the table. 'It's a receipt for a hotel in Central they claimed. There's a few others for the same one. You could probably catch them there.'

A flash of genius came over me. In that instance, I knew what I had to do! 'Quickly, Corporal! I need forms!'

'Which forms?' she asked.

'All of them!' I cried. I forget how they're numbered. This way I'd definitely get the one I wanted.

Our operation began that evening. Me and Blackhammer prepared with everything we might need – transmutation circle gloves, whips, medicine, water, food, cooking equipment, knitting kit and two tickets to West City. You never know.

Blackhammer was not happy about it. 'I don't see why we have to do this? I mean, I have a plan for tonight.'

'I can't imagine what could be more important than this, Blackhammer!' I said. 'We have a dangerous foe to deal with!'

'But can't deal with him in work hours?'

'Blackhammer, justice is working at all hours, and so do we! And no, justice does not get overtime.' I told him, as we prepared to go.

We headed over to the hotel, wandering through the cleared up streets, the clouds broken, and water evaporated from the streets. I moved stealthy through the streets, unseen by nobody. This was helped by the fact it was past midnight by the time we reached the hotel, and nobody was out at all. Good thing too – those pots on Blackhammer's back were too loud to be sneaky.

As we both entered the hotel, we saw a single receptionist sleeping on the counter. 'Can I help you?' they asked, waking up as we entered, still very sleepy.

'Major Longwood! Is the Fullmetal Alchemist here?'

'Who?'

'Edward Elric!' I replied.

'Uh, yeah. I think so. Why?'

'I am a State Alchemist!' I said, revealing my watch. 'I need to know his room!'

'It's room onwuhuh.' The receptionist fell asleep.

'Well never mind, it's on the receipt.' Blackhammer said.

'Do they never change rooms, Blackhammer?' I aksed him.

'Oh right. Sorry.' Shame – I was hoping he'd tell me. I'd never used hotels before our trip to Irusk. I'd just used intense knitting on trains to replace sleep. I pulled out a register, and opened it find the Fullmetal Alchemist. 'Here we go. Onwards Blackhammer!' I cried.

Blackhammer put down most of his backpack at the reception, and we made our way to the room as silent as possible. Hiding outside, we stood on each side of the room.

'Alright – you know the plan?'

'Yes sir.' Blackhammer saluted, as quietly as he could.

'Good. Three- two –one-go!' I whispered. At go, I knocked on the door.

'Who is it?' Came a voice. 'Give me a moment.' The door opened, revealing the Fullmetal Alchemist.

'You!' He cried, and pressed his hands together, forming a blade form his arm.

'You dare threaten me, you petulant child!' I whispered.

'Don't call me a pipsqueak!' He shouted, leaping forward with his blade. I leaped back, our two capes billowing out in unison. I transmuted forward my whip, wrapping it around his arm. It twisted with other whips hurled out into the walls, tying it up. 'Now I've got you!' I cried.

'No you haven't!' The Fullmetal Alchemist clapped his hands, and disintegrated my whips with a touch. I looked in horror – that was the skill used by Scar! Now he engages in plagiarism! Is there no end to his crimes?

'Brother, what's happening?'Alphonse Elric said, coming out side. 'What are you doing here? Oh, hi, Blackhammer.'

'They Al.' He replied. 'Nice to see you.'

'Can we all keep it down?' I whispered. 'Some people are trying to sleep!'

'What do you want with us this time?' Edward said. 'It's the dye, isn't it?'

'Yes, it is.' I replied.

'Kind of obvious, brother.' The metal suit said.

'So? I just needed you out my hair. Call it quits, OK?'

'Not yet, Fullmetal!' I continued. 'There's a matter we must first deal with! That cleaning work took up valuable time my department needed for Operation Enduring Resistance! As such – Blackhammer?'

'Right, sir!' He said, pulling out a piece of paper. He handed it to Edward Elric.

The Fullmetal Alchemist looked at it, curiously. 'What is this.' He squinted. 'A bill!'

'To your research grant. For cleaning work, alchemical training, and time wasting.' Blackhammer continued. I was pleased with the plan. Using the weapons of paperwork, official documentation and regulations – the weapons of a true hero!

'Why did you have to wake me up for it?' Edward asked.

'So you would not escape it! I will not be tricked again, Fullmetal!' I replied. 'Finish the speil, Blackhammer.'

'So, you've got two weeks to contest the bill, or we'll be free to take it from your account at our discretion. You should make the contention in Central within that time, and if you contest and fail yu will be expected to pay all court fees. I think that's it?' Blackhammer finished.

'Good work. Now, let's move!' We both walked away, leaving the Elric brothers behind us in what must have been in state of despair, knowing the crushing defeat we had wrought them.

And so another victory has been won. The wrongs of the past have be righted! But we must always be vigilant! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!

Egberts actually incorrect - or correct in a really pedantic way. Uncountable is for a set with infinite elements. So zero is only infinite if all the elements of a set are 0, but then its not really uncountable as you know all the elements exactly.

Also, how has it taken me this long to use a Caper of Capes as a title? Its practically gift-wrapped for me!