Disclaimer - The person I found was called Karl Lance. He lead me to his hut, where he had supplies hidden outside the basement - food, a map and compass, and a knife. 'They'll save your life.' he told me. He offer the hut for the night, but I had to leave in the morning - to risky other wise. 'They occasionally come this far in - a quick one only takes a day to get here from the road. So where will you go?' he asked me. 'Where can I go? The last places are in ruin.' I replied. 'Well, there's old strongholds in the mountains. You'll be safe there. I don't know how many are working, but they're hidden.' I thanked hi, and in the morning I set off, hope in my heart again. I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.
'Good morning, Blackhammer.' I said, as he walked into the department, my office door open. 'Pass me some paper, will you?'
'Sure thing, sir.' He passed it over to me. 'Sir, what's the whisky bottle for?' he asked. 'And the rags?'
'Can't a man keep the ingredients for a Molotov in his office without people getting suspicious?' I asked, pulling out a pen.
'Emm, yes?' Blackhammer said.
'If you must know, Blackhammer, the rags are left over material, and the whisky is unrelated to them. It is for my latest scheme.' I told him, beginning to write my letter.
'Scheme, sir?' Blackhammer asked, sitting down next to me.
'A chance to get my revenge on Anna Larkoff, Private! For her despicable moves she was made against me!' I told him.
'Are you going to challenge her to another fight, sir?' Blackhammer asked. 'I think I still have sand in my clothes from the last – and I nearly got impaled on a shard of glass.'
'It was a day at the beach, Blackhammer! What did you expect?' I asked. 'But no. I do not plan to stoop to her crude level. This plan will be carried out with cunning she cannot hope to match!'
'Really? What is it?'
'First, it involves you taking this letter to Larkoff.' I said, licking the envelope and placing it inside.
'Sir, do you really want to mess with the Captain again? I mean, she's in internal investigations, and if General Phalanx finds out, you could be in big trouble. You could get demoted , your career could be ruined-'
'I don't need your help, Blackhammer.'
'Oh. OK then, I'm sure it'll all go smoothly, sir.'
I waited, doing some minor stitching work as I prepared for the Private's return. It seemed that several of Colonel Mustangs clothing had become a damaged. He really needs to be more careful – after all, paperwork is more dangerous than you would think!
Eventually, Blackhammer returned with a reply. 'She agreed to your offer, whatever it was.'
'Ah, excellent, Blackhammer.' I said. Everything was going according to plan. 'Then I'm afraid I won't be able to be here tomorrow. You will have to hold the fort till then.'
'But sir!' Blackhammer said, shock in his voice. 'You can't leave me here without you!'
'I'm touched, Blackhammer.' I told him. 'But I'm sure –
'Tomorrow is laundry day, sir!'
Despite Blackhammer's protests, I left him to hold off the hordes clambering for clean trousers that I assumed would naturally come; I made my way out to the site where I would meet Larkoff. It was at a far different place to the latest occasions – I asked to meet her in an early morning in a cafe along the western canal. The sun was rising in the sky when I arrived, flowing over the landscape the colour of really badly stained pink cravat. I ordered a coffee, and waited for my opponent to arrive.
Eventually, the Glass Alchemist arrived. 'So, what is this about, Egbert?' she said, sitting down opposite me. 'You got bored of stitching socks?'
'Ha! I would never get bored of mending socks!' I told her. 'But I needed to speak to you about this rivalry we have. I hate to suggest it, but I fear we must end it once and for all!'
'I'm surprised at you – I thought you'd silk it for all its worth!' she replied. Then she punched her side. 'Damn it! I should have got a drink first – I could have used milk in the pun!'
'In any case, I propose that we have a wager – a contest!' I continued.
'Oh really? What do you suggest?'
'It's simple – an alchemical contest! We provide each other the material, and we must create the finest item we can, with all our knowledge of alchemy we have! The ultimate battle of wit, wisdom and cunning!' Though that was a tad exaggeration – that title belongs to tiddlywinks.
Anna thought about this for a moment. Then she said. 'Of course – I accept! You'll be shattered in this battle!'
'That's not really a pun, Larkoff.' I told her. Excellent! Everything was going according to plan!
'Still true!' she replied. 'I'll meet you on the field of battle tomorrow morning!'
'It's closed.'
'Then I'll meet you in Armstrong Park! Near the pond!'
And so the next day, I went over to the Armstrong Park, overlooking the rest of cities streets. The clouds had drained the colour from the cravat turning the morning a grey colour. Like the colour of my mother's cakes.
It sat on the bench, whisky bottle in one hand, a loaf of bread in the other. A series of ducks came over to me, where I scattered bread for them. A few pigeons did too, but they could not hope to match my prowess in battle.
The clouds slowly got darker as I surveyed the landscape. I would need to be wary. Larkoff might bring any manner of terrible starting material for me to transmute. If she brought a series of string, or a pile of collected fluff, I would be in trouble. Or maybe she would bring something outside my expertise to transmute – would she be so fiendish as to do some as terrible as bring a screwdriver?!
To my dismay, rain drops began to fall on me. While it would not make me back down, it was a nuisance. I might trip and fall on the wet ground, and so change a transmutation circle beyond recognition! I had to be prepared for every eventuality.
The pigeons returned in great numbers. They still could not match my fury.
Eventually, I started to wonder where Larkoff was. Several people had walked past me, but no Captain, and no Stat Alchemist. As I pondered on this fact, I got out my pocket watch. The time read 11.21. Ha! Could Anna not face the challenge?
'Major?' A voice came. I looked up, to see a young soldier standing in front of me and saluting.
'At ease.' He lowered his salute. 'What is it?'
'I have this letter.' He handed an envelope to me, which I opened and read:
Dear Major Long-dud!
So I thought about showing up, but it seemed a bad idea – you probably had something planned. So I just made a mess of your laundry while you were gone. Guess I pulled the wool over your eyes!
Larkoff
P.S. This letter is covered in a very thin layer of butyl lithium, so even short period of contact with the air – the smouldering edges engulfed the letter and left it ashes.
Ah. This was not according to plan.
'Blackhammer, how could have allowed this to happen?' I asked. I held a coat up – light pink was scattered across it.
'I'm sorry sir!' Blackhammer stammered. 'It must have been snuck in while you were away!' He held up the red shirt. 'It was this! I only noticed when I started washing, and then it was too late.'
'It's alright Blackhammer – it's not your fault.' I said, trying to hold in my rage. 'Curse you, Glass Alchemist! I have no proof, and I can't go against a superior officer on my word alone.' I sighed, sitting in a chair. 'To think, I had the perfect plan! The 'whisky' for her to start with was actually pure ethanol laced with highly volatile dyes. On altering the glass, it would have exploded, showering her in a tasteless mixture of colours!'
'It's a shame you didn't tell me your plan, sir.' Blackhammer said. 'I could have pointed out problems with it.'
Perhaps Blackhammer was right, but the rage I felt was too much to give his views at this point. I had been defeated, by my arch rival no less! But I will not be defeated next time! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!
In case you've never used Butyl Lithium, that stuff is nasty. I once was in a lab, and the dripping butyl lithium was igniting as soon as it came out. It ignites water. Its not fun. So please don't eat it.