Disclaimer - the nature of the tower was a facade. A layer of concrete was broken down to reveal the pipes and wires sticking out of the walls. Small rooms broke off to reveal rusted tools and decayed precise instruments. A thick metal door, decayed by time, revealed a cache of supplies - useless currency, cans of food between empty ones, and survival equipment long taken, used or decayed. After gorging on tins of pork and syrupy fruit, I surveyed the remaining rooms. A single locked room remained - door well repaired, hinges protected from rust. After finding a blackened screwdriver, I managed to unscrew the hinges before the sliding the door to the wall, revealing empty darkness beyond. I do not now Fullmetal Alchemist.

Little droplets of rain feel lightly onto the windowpane, skimming down the glass as I walked down the hall to my office. A wind rattled against the windows, battering like a, like a, something. A bat, perhaps.

'Good morning, Private.' I said, opening the door. Blackhammer leaped up as I entered, a book landing on the floor, saluting in a wide to avoid the parrot on his shoulder.

'Good morning, Major!' He replied. 'Is this your parrot?' He asked.

'Major, what makes you think it's mine, Private?' I asked, surveying the room.

'Well, I was – studying, being very awake and just focused on working so that's why I didn't notice anything – and then I looked around and there was a parrot, sir.'

'And then you fell asleep?' I asked, concerned.

'Yes! Ummm,' Blackhammer stuttered. 'No? A bit?'

'Well, that all makes sense, Private.' I replied. I looked at the bird, sitting on my deputies shoulder. It opened its mouth and spoke. 'Give's a cracker!' it cawed.

'You can speak? Well parrot, it's time for you to reveal your secrets. Where did you come from? I bellowed.

'Polly's a good girl!' The parrot replied.

'A likely story! I know a lie when I know one!' I responded.

'Could you please stop shouting, sir?' Blackhammer asked. 'The parrot's cutting into my shoulders.'

I stroked my chin. The parrot stood there, an ominous omen of dire events to come. 'I fear we must rid ourselves of this pest, before it brings doom to us all!' The defecations are impossible to remove!

'I guess we'll just let it out the window?' Blackhammer suggested.

'And let it terrorise the whole city? No, we must find the owner of this fowl fowl, and return it!'

'Good joke, sir.' Blackhammer said, politely. I looked at him, confused. 'Never mind.'

'Brightsilver! Have you seen a parrot around here?' I asked the Corporal, as she sat her desk, scribbling on paperwork. She didn't look as I came in.

'No, he comes in on Tuesday,' She replied.

'What!' I replied in turn, confused.

'That's when they take the rubbish. You know Arnold Parrot, the bin man?' She looked up at me, then squinted. 'What's that bird doing on Richard?'

'Caw! Don't eat my pastries!' the bird let out. And now it was trying to claim other's confectionary as its own! Shameful!

'We meant this, Corporal.' Blackhammer said. 'You don't know any soldiers with a parrot, do you?'

'Oh yes, every member of the 3rd Cat Herders regiment has one, why don't you go ask them?' Brightsilver said. 'No, I have no idea of anyone with a parrot. Just give it the zoo or something – it's probably from there.'

'Ah, that is a fair point, Corporal.' I replied. 'Blackhammer, would care to go to Central Zoo and hand in that bird?'

'Sure thing, sir!' he said, walking briskly away, parrot still cawing from his shoulders.

'Huh.' Brightsilver said, putting her pen down. 'That was surprising.'

'Really, what was?' I asked her.

'Somehow, I thought you'd do something unnecessary and needlessly complicated to get rid of that bird.' Brightsilver replied.

'What? I have no idea what gave you the idea I would do that! When have I ever done anything unnecessary?' I asked, shocked.

'Always, forever and ever.' Brightsilver said, picking her pen up again.

Well, ignoring Corporal Brightsilver's unfortunate ignorance, this is a great triumph! I can get to the most important of matters – ironing my socks! But we must always be vigilant! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!

Never start an idea purely with a title. You end up with this.

Sorry for the short length - after writing half of this it occurred to me that this situation is extremely easy to resolve. Again, see my earlier comment.