Disclaimer: 'Fool.' Came a voice from the darkness. 'Do you not know that when you stare into the darkness, the darkness stares back at you?'

I looked on as a figure formed. They were moulded out of the darkness I looked as it formed - nothing special. A normal man formed, with no distinguishing features. Average. Run of the mill. Too average.

'What are you?'

'Oh, you don't have to put on the show anymore.' they said. But they spoke wrong. The movements of the mouth didn't match the words being spoken.

'I'm honestly very impressed. I tried to stop you so many times, but you were out of control! But everything else was mine to mould. And that lead you here. To me. Your journey ends now.'

The man - the creature - smiled. It revealed a row of teeth, but one, at the centre of the mouth was wrong. Not an incisor, but a poisoned fang, belonging to a serpent.

'Ready to meet your maker?' The tooth asked. None of the mouth moved. I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

I looked out upon the rushing rain outside my window as I combed my hair into the official regulation haircut (two and a half inches, parted to the left hand side, with a layer of protective bird dropping grease). The air was thick with the mud thrown up by cars and horses. Tightening my belt, I looked around for the umbrella as I walked down stairs.

'Son? Do you know where the umbrella is?' I cried, checking the hat stand. I'd have checked the umbrella stand but it was filled with hats.

'I don't know, Father.' My boy popped his head round the door. 'Maybe I'll remember if you actually get me a birthday present from last year?'

'Son, we both know that's not going to happen!' I replied. 'Goodbye, son!' And with that, I left into the pouring rain, hands desperately trying to protect my hair.

The result of this was that I arrived a tad late, and slightly covered in duck. Combing the feathers out of my hair, I made my way to my office. Blackhammer was already there, writing down something. He saluted as I arrived.

'Morning, sir!' he said. He sounded a little nervous. Probably the changes to the lunch menu. I know I was - it's just not a proper lunch if there aren't four types of potatoes and a mound of cabbage.

'Good morning, Private.' I said. 'Any news?'

'There's some letters arrived earlier. They're on your desk, sir.' He saluted again.

'Good. Carry on, Blackhammer.' I walked into my office, and started prying through my letters. There was a small pile of letters. I went through them quickly - there was a report from my mother, a request from some shepherds trying to cut out the middleman, West City Tailor's new catalogue, a petition about adding boiled fried mashed potato back to the menu - and then a final letter, hidden under the rest. It had no address or return address on it, only my name. Curious, I opened it.

To my shock, it was from Blackhammer! Who has a voice to speak to me! It read:

'Dear Major Egbert Longwood

I would like to inform you that I have applied for a transfer to Central City Military Police, and that I have been accepted to transfer. I will be leaving in one week, the minimum time I had to notify you. I am currently cowering outside awaiting retribution.

All the best

Private Richard Blackhammer.'

'You're resigning!' I shouted in shock, bursting out of the door. True to his letter, Blackhammer was waiting, clutching his chair with both hands tightly. He shook back on it as I spoke.

'Not resigning!' He replied, quickly. 'Not at all! I'm still in the military. I just want to go to a more, law enforcement part of it. Less, um, washing I suppose?'

How could Blackhammer betray me like this? 'What makes you think you can just leave? you choose to be here!' I shouted.

'No sir - I got put here on punishment duty. And then never left.' Blackhammer replied, gaining confidence. 'Really, I'm just correcting an administrative error.'

'But, but, but this unexpectable!' I stuttered. 'I need help with my work here! Did they not know how vital this department is?'

'Sir, you spent yesterday knitting a hat that started as a grenade.' Fool, that was a grenade disguised as a hat! 'Anyway, Lieutenant Nightshade stamped it through straight away - said we needed more people out doing things, given more people deployed on the south. Said I was doing nothing important here really.'

'You were preventing decline of dress standards! What could be more important?' I replied.

'Well she disagreed. She thought stopping criminals and protecting Central was more important.' Blackhammer gulped. 'And so do I.'

In shock, I looked for a something to say. Eventually I just said ' But, but why?'

'Well, actually sir, I have a list.' Blackhammer pulled it out - it was what he had been writing earlier. 'Number one - you dragged me into a duel with a powerful alchemist. I had shards of glass in my boots for weeks afterwards.'

'Wait - how?' I asked. 'Why your boots of all places?'

'Number two - stalking Mary to her house. And breaking in.'

'I don't remember telling you about the second bit!' I shouted.

'I looked at the window - alchemy marks. Number three - you didn't let me choose any operation names.' He looked at me sheepishly. 'I'll be honest, I was just writing things as they came to me. Anyway - number four, constantly following a pair of alchemist - one another state alchemist - for a petty grudge!'

'Those two are ruffians and ne'er-do-wells have the highest order! We had to follow them and engage in fights to make minor damage claims!'

'Number five - going to a town in the north just for a personal - look, need I go on sir?' Blackhammer said, putting down the paper on the table. 'The point is that eventually if we, and you, keep doing this we're going to get court martialed.'

I sat down. This betrayal was too shocking to truly comprehend. 'Is there anything I can do to change your mind?' I asked.

Blackhammer thought about it for a moment. 'Can you increase my wages?'

'No.'

'Could you get me on an official program to become a state alchemist?'

'Um, no.'

'Can you give me things in the department to do other than laundry?'

'Only if they are knitting.'

'Can you promise we won't do anything stupid and unnecessary?'

'Of course!' Not that we ever have, of course. 'Just our normal activities, I swear!'

'That doesn't fill me with much in the way of confidence, sir.' Blackhammer said. 'I'm sorry sir, but I'm decided. I don't think you'll be able to convince me otherwise.' He stood up. 'If it's alright, sir, I need to go get the transfer papers for you to sign.' He saluted, before heading out of the room.

I went back into my office. I was distraught! Private Blackhammer, who had assisted on so many adventures and expeditions, was abandoning me! This was intolerable! Inconceivable! And completely unforeseeable or justifiable!

There was a knock on the door. I got up, and opened the door, to see standing before my nemesis, Captain Larkoff!

'Well, Cloth Alchemist,' she said, hands on her hips, 'I think you may be about to get into a STICKY situation, for you see-'

'Go away, I have more important things to deal with now!' I shouted slamming the door on her. For indeed I did. I would devise the most cunning of cunning schemes, so that I not lose my valued assistant!

My first plan was as simple as it was brilliant. I would simply not sign the transfer papers for Private Blackhammer!

Unfortunately, there was one snag with this.

'Major, will you please sign these forms?' Blackhammer said, on returning.

'No, Private, I'm not sure I'll be able to.'

'OK sir. I'll get Colonel Settle to sign it.'

'Wait, what?' I stuttered.

'Oh yeah, I can get the officer in charge of logistics to sign it. It'll probably just take longer.' Blackhammer shifted a little awkwardly. 'Because of like, he has a lot of paperwork to do, and loads of forms, so it'll go in a big pile, and so-' at this point he stopped talking, just looking sheepish. 'Anyway, I'm going to go do that, then.' He walked out the room, papers held behind his back.

It seemed my plan was not in fact entirely brilliant. I would have to look for another plan.

'So there's nothing you can do?' I asked Brightsilver. She pulled out the forms had in his file.

'No, Egbert, even if it was in anyway my responsibility, I can't. The paperwork is fully signed by Lieutenant Nightshade. Very lovely signature - the N coils into a flower. Plus a signature from Major Vermillion. You'd need at least a Lieutenant Colonel to go over this.'

Brightsilver sighed, putting down the paper. 'Look, it's understandable enough, isn't it? No young soldier wants to spend their career alternating between doing laundry and nearly getting nearly court-martialed after being pulled into a fight over a pen.'

I thought about this. 'I'm pretty sure the pen incident was before Blackhammer showed up.'

'Wait, I was being facetious. What happened?'

'Enough hypothetical discussions about escalated fountain pen arguments.' They still haven't repaired all the damages from the fire. 'I need someone to help me with my work!'

'If you need a permanent staff, you could ask for the position? There a forms for that.' Brightsilver said, leaning her head on her hands. 'But I wouldn't count on it. I have a feeling your department may be a bit low priority.'

'That is sadly too true.' I still hadn't got that coal furnace I requested. 'So, if I can't twist the paperwork to do what I want, then that only leaves one option - I must reason with Blackhammer, to convince him to stay!'

Brightsilver looked at me for a second. 'Good luck with that.'

'You don't think it'll work?' I ask her.

'Well, I mean, come on.' Brightsilver replied. 'He's not going to trust you to keep your word. He's worried that things like' she did air quotes '"Hypothetical pen incidents" are going to keep happening. You can overreact sometimes, you know.'

'I never overreact, Corporal! I shouted, slamming my fist on the desk. 'Take that back!'

'You need to find someone he trusts. Someone he respects, to convince staying is best for him.'

'Perhaps,' I said. 'But whom could I ask?'

'Family? His mother or someone? Maybe someone he lives with?' Brightsilver suggested.

'Wait a minute! I've just had a thought!'

'Oh? Pray tell.' Brightsilver said.

'Blackhammer said he had an interest in becoming an official state alchemist.'

'Sure, fair enough. So?'

'So it stands to reason that he would listen to advice from a state alchemist - about career paths and other such things.'

'Alright. That's fair I suppose. But who to ask, do you think?'

'I know just the person!' I point my hand to the air. I was about to reveal the plans true genius. 'Edward Elric!'

'What?'

'We have clashed several times - enough to build up respect, honour - the kinship of rivals. I'm sure he would be able to convince Blackhammer the error of his ways!'

'Wow, just wow. Look, if you're being this dumb, why not just ask Larkoff for help?'

'Don't be foolish - she'd just spend the time making puns!' Brightsilver can be silly at times.

'Major, don't you think - actually, I don't care. Fine. Do it. It'll work swimmingly I'm sure.'

It will indeed! But now I must go about my quest, to hold our department together. And so, I, Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, must do his duty again!

Well it's been fun, but I feel this series must end. I have run out of ideas, and most critically, time. But I will not leave it on an eternal cliff hanger - there shall be a final tale, a final spin of the dice for Egbert Longwood! So await the soon to arrive* final entry in these stupid, stupid adventures.

*Not actually soon