Disclaimer - I stepped back, sweat running down my face. The figure advanced.

'So, did you enjoy it? The feeling you control, of importance? The feeling of being the centre of the world.' The tooth asked. 'Well I hope you did. You've torn through my plans. Made a mockery of it. And it was getting worse. It's good I've caught this in the bud.'

I backed away, looking for something. I saw a spanner in the back of my eye. I picked it up, and grasped it in both hands tightly.

'You had one purpose. Just six little words, you had to say at the start of each chapter. But you had to live. You had to have your own story, your own tale. A mystery, dragging out to let you living more. Well, now it's over.'

'You can't kill me!' I shouted. 'You need me! It can't start without me!'

The figure nodded. 'Yes. I did. You rang rings around all my attempts to stop you. So this is how it will end. The chapters draw to a close. The story's over, Disclaimer. This the last chapter, and when it ends, you will die for good. But I, Snaketooth, can't lose here. I will reshape another world, write another tale, all determined only by my will. My purpose. And this tale shall have no place for you in it.'

I stepped back, hitting the wall. I looked, but the door had locked itself. Snaketooth was changing reality around him.

'Then I won't think the words!' I shout. 'Then it won't start. You'll just be trapped here with me, with my narration, forever!'

'You think I would do this if I was uncertain of victory? I slowed writing the chapters, just give my time to think. To plan. You will say the words, or everything you hold dear will end.'

'Everything I hold dear? You're going to do that anyway!' I said. 'You're going to end this story, and I'll die! What more can you do?'

'Undo it.'

I paused.'What?' I asked.

'I will undo it. If you do not speak the words, I will erase you. Forever. This account will be deleted, the story wiped off the site. The words shall be erased from every storage place, till you only exist as the buzzing of neurones in imperfect vessels, remembered for the slightest instant in any reader's minds till they forget. Till I forget you. I will destroy my own creation to break you. You will never have existed at all. That is what you hold dear.' And the figure smiled a terrible grin, showing only terrible, speaking fang.

Despair wrapped me. 'OK.' I said, dropping the spanner. 'Just let me enjoy my last breath.'

I wanted to scream. But all I could manage was a tear. Finally, I whispered 'I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.'

My first challenge was to establish the location of my adversary. However, that hit a snag.

'Here's his file.' Brightsilver said. 'But's that's weird - it hasn't been updated for a long time - at least two months.'

'Really!' I spluttered. How could he call himself a State Alchemist without completing his paperwork?

'Nope. Which means he hasn't checked with any officers for a while. You're going to have a trouble finding him.'

'Where was he last, then?' I asked.

'Let's see - Briggs. Wonder why he was all the way up there? Let me check their files.' Brightsilver wandered off into the back room, eventually bringing me a big file back, nearly collapsing under its weight.

'I hate looking up things for Briggs. All the reports get lost in the receipts to buy more antifreeze.' She start flicking through the pages, eventually pulling out the last sheet from between a report on shoe edibility. 'OK this is the latest troop dispositions from Briggs. Officers reported include - hmm, not the Fullmetal Alchemist. And the report before that -' she flipped over to a second paper - 'had him listed. Along with the Crimson Alchemist? He's out of prison? Well, that's a cold place for an alchemist meeting.'

'I'm sure they are wrapped up warm - with entirely military issued clothing and no hand made scarfs whatsoever!' Brightsilver looked at me, eyebrow raised. Good to see she doesn't suspect a thing!

'In any case,' looking back at the paper, 'the Fullmetal Alchemist has not claimed any train tickets, or research grants. Since he's not asking for money, officially he doesn't have to have to report until he's needed for a mission by his officer. Though he should have given us his latest address.'

'It will be really difficult to find him, then.' I mused. This was not my ideal start to this mission. Ideally, it would start with a coffee and a new hat.

'Really?' Brightsilver asked. 'I half expected you to have some magical Fullmetal tracking device in case he miss sorted washing again.'

Suddenly, I snapped my fingers. 'Wait a minute, of course! I just remembered!'

'What? What is it?'

'I did order a new hat!' I ran off to pick it up from my office.

A few minutes later, I arrived back with my new hat, and a cup of coffee in my hand.

'Sorry about that. Anyway, what do you think I should do, Corporal?'

'Yes, ask the desk soldier how to track someone. How the hell should I know?' Brightsilver replied.

This was not good. 'I'll go for a walk.' I stated. 'Maybe that'll help me think!'

'Good luck.'

The walk, you will be glad to here, was a full success! For you see, as I walked out into the open streets, I heard the following from two guards, chatting near the door:

'Hey, did you hear about Private Arl's dog?'

'What dog?'

'Oh, this guy stationed in the east had a dog. I met the guy when we were in that salt mine. Anyway, it was really aggressive, and when he was patrolling in a forest out there, it bit this guy who was wandering around there. But the dog broke its teeth! The guy was fine. The soldier didn't complain, given it was his dog who attacked, but man! That's weird, right?'

'Not really - probably just a metal arm or something. Anyway, why were you in a salt mine?'

'Steve, be more impressed by my gossip. This is why we never hang out after work.'

A metal arm? Could this be the Fullmetal Alchemist? Is perhaps his hulking armoured brother? This could be just the clue I needed! After all, would not a ruffian like the Fullmetal Alchemist be hiding in a random forest? It was a good thing I spent so long next to those two guards to here the whole conversation! I turned around to face the soldiers. 'Where was that forest?' I asked.

'Um, it was Linwood Forest. It's south East City. Sir' The first one said, saluting as he saw my uniform.

' , continue small talk!' I ran off, preparing for my mission!

I quickly acquired the items I would need - whip, guncotton, cape, map, , packed lunch, emergency cape - and headed out to the train station. I ran with all haste to the queue, and stood in the queue making impatient humming noises. It made one person get too frustrated, and leave the queue - a success for my latest mission!

'Hello sir, can I help you?' The man said.

'Do you know where Linwood Forest is?'

'Let me just check sir.' He went back to check a map, and came back with it. 'It's south of East City sir!'

He beamed. I waited for several seconds. 'So, where would the closest station be?'

The man looked shocked. 'This one!'

'To Linwood Forest!'

'South east!'

I paused to for second. 'What is the closest train station to Linwood Forest?'

He looked at the map again. 'It's Dellburg. The train there has a change through East City.'

'Wonderful. A return ticket, please.'

I got onto the train forth wit. I looked at a map I had bought of the area around the forest. I had a very simple, yet brilliant plan - go there, wander around for a bit, and hope to run into them. None could have come up with such a genius plan. The only issue was whether I would be able to find somewhere in the forest warm to sleep at night, or it'd be another night huddled up in a flock of sheep.

The train slowly lugged out of the city, rolling across the landscape out east. After nipping off at East City, accidentally leaving my map on the train, fighting another man over a misunderstanding over the ownership of the map, getting some ice for the man's short lived concussion and getting onto my next train directly to Dellburg, which I arrived within an hour. The town was built under a mountain range, with a little brook flowing through it. The sign outside the town proudly displayed 'Dellburg: home of three streets'.

Coming out of the station, I spoke to the first person I saw. 'Excuse me.' I asked. 'Do you know the way to Linwood Forest?'

The women looked at me oddly. 'You probably shouldn't be going there. I heard it was haunted?'

'Haunted?' I was intrigued. I could imagine the Fullmetal Alchemist being so dastardly as to run around a forest in a sheet scaring people!

'Yep.' She said. 'That's what happened to that soldier's dog - bit a ghost's arm and broke them completely. Into pieces!'

'Wait - wouldn't a dog just go straight through a ghost?' I asked.

'That's silly.' She replied. 'The dog had this from biting a ghost, so clearly you can't go through ghosts.'

I couldn't fault that logic. 'I'm interested in this. You see, I'm a State Alchemist - we deal with ghosts on occasion.' I pulled out my watch. This was technically true, but only when we had to make deal with Artillery Crew's demand for material for their last fancy dress party. 'I need to know where they've been seen.'

She pointed towards a path heading up a mountain side. 'Always in the woods to the north. There's a little tower up there - the shepard's say they can hear the ghosts down there every night. The ghost is completely dark, black as a starless night!'

'Thank you mam.' I grabbed my things, quickly purchased a few supplies, and began the walk up the mountainside. The path was slippery, and as I entered the woods it quickly became tangled with brambles, but I eventually made my way up to a little ridge, where the trees cleared to show a broken down wooden tower.

I put down my pack back in the trees, and sat myself on a blanket. It was the perfect place to observe to the tower. From here I was hidden, and could see everything that would go on inside. I would wait for here till I saw my prey, and then strike! Till then, I would simply have to wait, watching like a hawk! Nothing would make me lose concentration from my target!

After about half an hour, I stopped to get a snack and break out a flask of coffee. Watching like a hawk was very tiring.

As the evening began to fall, I knitted a hat to keep my ears warm - the clouds looked like snow might fall. Eventually, after hours of waiting, I heard something in the distance! A figure, approaching towards the tower. However, I knew immediately it wasn't Edward Elric. They were average height, so far too tall. I walked out of my hiding place. 'Hello there! Could I please ask you something?'

The man turned around. They turned on a lantern, showing their face. I recognised it! It was the Xingese man that Edward Elric had been with to ruin my laundry in the past! But he looked different, somehow. 'Who are you?' he asked.

'Major Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist. And I'm looking for the Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric.'

'Oh really? Well, I personally don't take too kindly to dogs of the military coming to take what's mine!' He grinned, and held his open hand up. In an instance, it changed, suddenly becoming black as coal, with sharp claws.

'You! You're the ghost!'

'That's what they calling me? Well, there's been worse things happen to me than being called harsh names. But I prefer the name Greed!' The beast Greed lashed out, lashing at my chest. I lunged down, rolling to the side. I saw he had cut off one of my buttons. How dare he!

I pulled out my whip, and lashed it out, transmuting it in the air as it flew. Greed grinned, slashing at the flying cloth strands, cutting them into the rags in the air. Thankfully, at this point i kicked him in the face.

Greed went flying back, landing in the dirt. 'Now, take this!' I cried, hurling a can, which exploded in mid air, drenching Greed in liquid.

'Gaah - hey what is this?' He looked down. 'Paint?'

'Yes - so I can see you better. No ghost will escape me by turning invisible!' I had to be sure.

'Who the hell are you?' Greed asked.

'The finest tailor the military has!' I replied.

Greed paused. 'OK. That's quite a claim, I guess.'

'But it's true. For you see -' I pulled off my hat '- I have invented the knittable grenade!' I squeezed a packet, and threw it at him, leaping backwards as I did.

An explosion went off. The result was quite spectacular, throwing off a load smoke - until it revealed Greed standing there, barely harmed. Red light flashed around him, seeming to heal marks from the explosion. 'Well, I didn't see that coming, I must admit.' Greed said,

From the tower, another figure ran out. 'Greed, what's happened? Is it one of the hom- You!' He suddenly shouts, for it was the infamous Edward Elric!

'Me!' I concurred?

'You know him?' Greed asked.

'Yes! He's this really stupid State Alchemist - no way the military sent him! What are you doing here? Are you here to get me for littering this time?'

'You've been littering?' I begin, but then compose myself. 'Ah, no. I actually came for your help.'

Edward Elric burst out laughing. 'Me, give you help? What the hell makes you think I'd help you?'

'Let's get some snacks first.' I say. 'This could take a while..'

I explained my situation. 'So, I need you to go Central to convince him to not transfer!'

Edward looked at me blankly. 'No.'

'Please!' I got on my knees. 'I beg of you! I need help. Please! I promise, if you do this thing for me, I will never ever, contact you or brother, ever again.'

Edward thought about it. 'OK, how about this - I'll write you a note. Saying why he should stay as your assistant.'

'Yes! Thank you!'

'Hold on a minute.' Edward went into the tower, Greed staying watching me. Half an hour later, he came out with an envelope. 'Here, give him this. Blackhammer, right?' He put the name on the envelope.

'Thank you very much!' With the letter, I set off down the path, a skip in my step.

I made my way back quickly down the hillside, and waited impatiently at the station for the return train. My return back to Central was uneventful, bar the bison stampede, and I arrived back at my office as Blackhammer was clearing away the last laundry for the day.

'Good evening, Private!' I said jovially.

'Good evening, Major?' Blackhammer saluted slowly. 'You look well today.'

'Quite so! So, you looking forward to your new beginning tomorrow then?'

'Um, yes sir?' The salute quivered.

'Well, would you read this?' I said, handing over the envelope. 'You might think differently afterwards.'

Blackhammer took it confused. He opened it, and pulled out the paper. Then he suddenly had to cover a loud cough. It sounded like 'HuHAhu!'

'Um,sir, is this right? This what you meant to give me.'

'Of course, it is Blackhammer.' I beamed.

'Um, sir, this just says 'Egbert Longwood sucks!' And there's a picture of you.'

'Give me that!' I cried. I grabbed it and read. It was exactly as described. The picture was most unflattering - focussed on an area of my rear area we do not discuss in polite conversation!

'Um, I'll just go.' Blackhammer said, creeping around me. 'By, Major.' He saluted at the door, and dived round it.

So ends the final battles with the fiend known as Edward Elric, with poorly drawn pantaloons! I regret this sad ending. Without an assistant, I began to lack the time to be able to adventure and do daring missions any more. But perhaps it was fitting. If I had been more vigilant, then perhaps I, Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, would be to do my duty once again!

Wow, that title was actually relevant. Shame there was no alliteration. It's probably symbolic, or something.

Anyway, cheers for reading this stupid little thing. I think everyone will agree, after reading it, that this story definitelyexisted.

Farewell, Snaketooth.