It was raining again- which didn't surprise her really.
It felt like Krimson City was always raining, like the city itself was always in this... shitty mood and had to make everyone else suffer with it.
Kidman would've liked to have run the distance from her car to the front door to avoid as much rain as possible, but her body just wasn't feeling it. Instead, she dealt with the slick coating of rain sliding off of her jacket as she made the slow walk to the barely lit house. It was bitter cold, and rain had already found an opening down the front of her jacket; she could feel the freezing water running down her neck and soaking her shirt.
Still... it was little motivation to get her moving faster.
And there was hardly any sense of relief when she did make it to the door.
Shouldering it open, Kidman stepped inside and blindly closed the door behind her, before she felt her body slump back against it- letting it support her dead weight. Fingers fumbled to get the locks in place, before they moved to rub at her grinding temples.
...
It felt like her mind and body were operating on different cycles- almost on different planes entirely.
Almost as though the two didn't wire up properly after she was disconnected from STEM.
And the worst part of it was that she had absolutely no control over the feeling. It felt like there was this... constant white noise that kept kept buzzing in the back of her head- making it impossible for her to concentrate on anything, let alone hold a single thought in place.
It forced her to take the rest of the night off.
... Not that she was really scheduled to go in in the first place.
It had been two weeks now since Beacon, and... due to the ongoing investigation, and the extent of her injuries, she still had the month off. And even that was just a start- it would all depend on how she was feeling, and how well she had healed once the month was up; the doctor could potentially write her another note for a leave of absence from work.
But she just... she couldn't sit around and do nothing.
Sure, it was nice to finally catch up on some sleep, and not feel guilty for sleeping through a majority of the day, but it just wasn't in her anymore.
She found herself getting restless- too restless to sleep most nights now.
...
The department agreed that as long as she didn't get in the other Detectives' ways, or try to get involved in their investigation, she could work at the office. It wasn't like there was much for her to do there, but even just cleaning up the evidence room was something.
It was a distraction that she so desperately needed.
And it was... odd to walk into the KCPD and know that it wasn't going to be like the normal days. It was odd that she actually missed the mornings where she was barely at her desk before Sebastian and Joseph hauled her off to another crime scene. They had been so frustrating before, but now... now she missed that sense of normalcy.
She missed walking into the office and knowing that Joseph hadn't gone home the night before, that he had never left his office in the first place; she missed calling him out on his bullshit about coming in earlier than expected when everyone else simply believed him.
She missed the long rides out to the crime scenes- the ones that were either filled with frustrated silence, or half-assed conversations where they tried to pick apart what little information they had this time around. Or the half-assed suggestions to just leave the city and abandoned the cases all together.
...
She missed Connolly.
It had been surprising to see the amount of people who welcomed her back to the KCPD- the amount of support they tried to shower her with. A lot of the officers had sent her flowers and baskets when she was in the hospital, and even then their show of concern had been hard to swallow.
But walking past Connolly's old desk, and seeing how it had been decorated with flowers and cards... that had been even harder to deal with.
They were all still in the hospital when Connolly was buried; the whole department had showed up for it. It felt like they missed their chance at closure- especially Sebastian, who regretfully told them how he had to put Connolly down while they were in STEM.
She remembered the ambulance ride.
She remembered watching and seeing him turn... but it was only when she encountered him later in the forest did she know that it was too late. What Sebastian did to him, did for him, was a show of mercy. And it was much easier to accept the situation when she thought of it that way.
Still...
She never foresaw herself still being here, still being surrounded by everyone.
She figured she would've been long gone by now- either by Mobius' request, or by her own guilt pushing her away. She figured she would've wanted to run the first chance she got- the first chance she could physically move without the threat of passing out from pain and exhaustion.
But the feeling never came.
If anything, the reverse happened: she simply didn't want to leave.
She knew she would have to eventually, it was only inevitable, but... she needed to make sure that Sebastian and Joseph would be okay first- that they could function without her. And there were no doubts that the two were expecting her eventual departure anyways. She just... she just hoped that they wouldn't try and stop it; that they wouldn't try to stop her from leaving.
Mobius had shown them a rare feat of mercy by allowing the two of them to live and escape.
As selfish as it was, she hoped that they wouldn't throw it away on her.
She couldn't ask them to drop their investigation on both Beacon and Mobius- she knew that they had already started on it despite the department's request; she just pretended not to notice them sneaking around.
She couldn't ask them to just up and forget about everything that had happened at Beacon- that was too much to ask, and it would be too selfish of her. It wasn't like they could just go back to their normal lives and act like everything was okay again; any sense of normalcy for them was dead now.
The only thing she could ask was that they didn't come after her when this was over with and long passed.
...
And maybe, if she got lucky, the thought of doing such a thing had never crossed their minds.
Rubbing at her tired eyes, Kidman slipped off her dripping jacket and attempted to throw it onto the coat rack nearby- only to miss terribly. It was almost one in the morning, she had taken God knows how much medication a few hours before, and she was wet from the rain... that was her excuse for having such poor aim.
She slowly made her way through the living room and tried to keep as quiet as possible; she had retired heels for the time being, or maybe forever, so she didn't have to worry about her shoes making too much noise. But the floorboards still creaked from time to time, and while she was fairly positive that there was no chance the other two could hear them, she was still careful with the risk.
Sebastian had worked with her earlier in the day, but had retired hours before she did. He had complained about a migraine and she insisted that he go back home to rest- his still-healing fracture didn't need to be stressed with work anyways. Being the stubborn man he was though, he still put in two more hours of work before he finally gave up and left. It was a small testament to his level of dedication on the case.
Joseph had opted not to go into the office, which had surprised her at first- before she realized that he could still work from home. There was really no need for him to even leave his house since he had server commands to log into the department's database from his home office. He could keep to his quiet, isolated environment and still get more work accomplished than her and Sebastian combined.
...
The faint hope of sneaking back into her bedroom without causing a disturbance was dashed when Kidman noticed Joseph sitting in the small dining area. Except he wasn't sitting in a chair, or on another piece of furniture, but rather... he was sitting on the floor and leaning back against the wall behind him. He had a coffee cup in both hands, which, as sad as it was, was a universal sign now that the issue wasn't that he couldn't get to sleep, but rather something was keeping him awake.
Which wasn't good.
Sighing, Kidman abandoned her lost cause and instead walked over and slowly sat down next to him.
Joseph didn't say anything at first, and neither did she- Hell, she wasn't certain if he even knew she was right next to him.
"Bad night?" she asked, deciding it would be better to just break the silence now rather than let it fester and linger between them. Two weeks time and... they still had very little to say to each other- a notion that she figured she only had herself to blame for.
"Yeah," he answered simply enough, before he took a short sip from his cup. It was coffee thankfully- she could smell the aroma drifting from it; and judging from the light being on in the kitchen, it was still fresh too. "You left your shoes on."
Kidman frowned at the oddity of the statement, before she glanced down and realized that he was right.
Joseph wasn't picky about people walking around his house with their shoes on, and assured everyone that it was just a cultural thing he grew up with. But... she was a long-term guest in his house, and she figured the very least she could do was take her shoes off when she came inside. She had hijacked his own bedroom after all, and she might've also broken the coffee machine once or twice before.
Reaching down, she plucked each shoe off and tossed it aside- hoping she would remember to pick them up later.
She also came to the realization that she had tracked water through his living room, which... hopefully she'd remember to clean up as well.
"How was work?"
It was almost funny to think how that question used to feel so normal to answer.
"Same old, same old," Kidman replied with a light shrug, doing her best to make it feel normal again. "The new Detectives have made a mess of our office though- I blew up on one of them for spilling his coffee on the couch; he was a real dick about it too." she heard Joseph give a brief chuckle in response, and smiled lightly at the sound of it; it was good to hear again. "Also they keep crashing our servers because they don't know how to operate them."
"That explains the shitty connection I've had all day then," Joseph remarked.
"That could've also been me unplugging the wireless routers throughout the day."
He gave another short, quiet laugh and went back to drinking his coffee.
It felt a little good to know that she was doing something to ease him back into feeling human again- no matter how little of an action it was.
"... Any issues?"
Kidman felt a brief swell in her chest at the genuine concern in his tone- she almost hated that she found comfort in it. Of the three of them, she always figured he'd be the worst one off, and in some ways he was, but... he tried not to show it. He used his concern for both her and Sebastian to pull himself through the nightmares.
"I caught someone's headlights on the way back," she started, before she slumped further down against the wall, and propped her arms onto her bent knees. "I thought I was okay at first, but... you wouldn't believe how fast I had to pull over so I didn't crash. It just- it felt like I was going to have a panic attack, but I ended up sitting on the side of the road for a good ten minutes shaking. I kept expecting to hear... something coming after me, but in the end, it was just the radio and some people fighting in the nearby parking lot."
...
He didn't see the same things she did- and for that, she was grateful.
They all saw their own versions of grotesque nightmares in STEM, and those were images they never wanted to see again- images they never wanted to share. She was certain that there were things that only he saw, that only he experienced; and he would rather die than think that one of them had seen the same things.
...
He didn't directly know about the Light Woman- the hideous, makeshift creature who had made it a game to chase her around.
But he knew of her- and that was all he needed to know.
"At least you made it home okay."
Kidman tried not to nitpick on the fact that Joseph had announced it simply as home, rather than saying his home. It could've just been a slip of the tongue... although he had been referring to it as such for awhile now- whether he knew about it or not.
Even when Sebastian had called him earlier to check in, he had reassured him that they would both be 'home' soon.
... Was it that easy for them?
That easy to just... settle in?
No, Kidman figured to just give it time, give their injuries a chance to fully heal and they would be back to their normal routines soon enough. They would be back to going to their respective homes separately, and be back to only seeing one another at the office.
...
It all felt hard to believe now though- especially since they were all so depended on each other.
"What about you?" Kidman finally asked, as she looked over to him; she noted that the supporting brace he had for his shoulder was partly sticking out from underneath his loosely-buttoned shirt.
"I just worked from my office all day," Joseph shrugged, "I didn't get much done, but... it was better than sitting around."
She could already tell that he didn't want to talk about what had really happened- and she didn't dare press him on it.
Whatever it was that was haunting him now... had probably been doing so for most of the day.
Maybe he was hoping he could physically exhaust himself to the point of passing out just to avoid the inevitable nightmares that would soon follow.
"If you go back to the office again any time soon, tell whoever it is that keeps changing my files to stop."
Kidman snorted slightly before she heard herself break into a soft laugh- a little surprised at how easily it seemed to come to her. She blamed her reaction on the faint annoyance in his voice and the lingering hint of the frustrations he had to deal with throughout the day. It just felt so... normal; for a moment, she was able to forget that this wasn't just another day at work, and that he wasn't just annoyed that someone had dirtied up his work.
"It's a good thing I have them all backed up, but still... I shouldn't have to deal with someone messing around with my filing system," Joseph finished.
"I'll be sure to let them know," she assured- still quietly laughing to herself.
The subtle laughter seemed contagious and it didn't take long before he joined in with her- if only for a short period of time.
"Thank you," he replied, before he took another sip from his cup. "There's fresh coffee in the kitchen again."
"I hope it's better than the sludge they served at work this morning," Kidman spoke; and although she didn't feel like getting up, or even feel like she had the strength to, she still couldn't pass up the offer. She had dealt with disappointing cup after cup at work... she could go for a decent brew for once. Placing her hands against the wall behind her, she pushed herself to her feet and briefly pulled into a stretch; her body was still aching like a bitch, but it was better than it had been before. She started towards the kitchen, before she stopped and turned back to him. "Want me to top you?"
Joseph handed her his cup.
And she was well into the kitchen before the words came back to her.
...
Kidman gave a hard sigh and silently hoped her face wasn't as red as it felt; she could feel the heat burning at her cheeks now. It was just a... slip of the tongue, an innocent combination of words on her end, and yet... part of her immaturely felt like she wanted to die. Or maybe escape out the side door, or through a window.
Grabbing a new cup for herself, Kidman poured in some coffee, before she re-filled his half-empty cup as well.
... On second thought, maybe she shouldn't have the caffeine.
Maybe she should just take one of those sleeping pills and hope for the best instead.
Taking a deep breath, she braced herself as she carried the cups back into the dining area- hoping maybe she could pass off her previous statement as a side effect of work fatigue.
...
Kidman paused slightly as she noticed that Joseph now had his hands covering his face, and could only assume that the awkwardly worded phrase had hit him as well. It didn't make her feel any better about it either.
"Don't," she warned, as she handed his cup back to him and sat back down, "- just don't say anything."
And he didn't at first, which she thought was out of respect.
... But she realized pretty quickly that it wasn't.
He was just making an effort not to laugh at her- and was failing pretty horribly at it.
Kidman frowned and dug her elbow into his ribs, listening to him snort slightly before he eventually gave up on the charade. Again, it was good to hear him laugh again- good to see that some spark of life was still alive inside of him. That he wasn't as dead as he might've believed himself to be. And as much as she hated it... she could hear herself starting to laugh again too. "I hate you."
"I didn't do anything," Joseph objected, as he removed his glasses and rubbed at his eyes- still laughing to himself as he did so. "You brought that upon yourself."
"I know, " she replied, leaning her head back against the wall behind her, "and I hate it."
He slipped his glasses back on and took a sip from the fresh cup in hand. "Well... I hate to say it, Juli, but... I think that was something we both needed."
Kidman mused his words over and watched him for a few seconds- admiring the semi-rejuvinated look in his eyes. "Are we talking about the laughing, or the imagery?" she pressed, causing him to almost choke on his coffee; she briefly grinned at the reaction before she sipped at her drink. "Gotcha."
"You're a cruel woman."
"So I've heard."
...
She hadn't noticed it until now, watching as he wiped the slight mess of coffee from his lips, but he wasn't wearing his signature gloves.
He very rarely showed off his hands- although it seemed irrelevant considering there didn't seem to be much on them to hide; it wasn't like he was concealing some kind of dark secret or anything of that sort. They were just a pair of normal hands that had some small, faint scars on them- but then again, whose hands didn't? She herself had some knotted tissue from childhood roughhousing... and once when she was determined that barbed wire couldn't hurt nearly as bad as everyone claimed it did.
And it didn't really hurt as badly as everyone else had portrayed it, at least, in her experience it didn't.
But it did still hurt like a bitch.
Without really thinking, Kidman reached over and took him by the hand before she pulled it towards her- examining the healing wounds on his palm. Of the three of them, he was the more... careful and tedious one, and had walked out of STEM with only defensive wounds on his hands. He didn't have any bloodied knuckles, or ripped skin or torn fingernails from scuffles with the Haunted.
The doctors said the cuts on his palms were likely from the broken glass found inside of the car, and on the ground outside.
When in actuality, they were from the few Haunted that couldn't be avoided, or snuck past; and their weapon of choice had either been a shard of broken glass, or a rusted knife. His quiet nature had allowed him to sneak past the Haunted without being seen or even heard- and it was with this trait that he allowed him to avoid any major damages to his hands.
...
Meanwhile, on the other end of the spectrum, her hands had seen better days.
She had one broken knuckle, while the rest were pretty bruised and skinned up. She had tried to go out of her way to avoid the Haunted when she could, but... she wasn't necessarily good at sneaking around. While she could make a fast getaway and get into places the Haunted couldn't, there were still a few times she had been grabbed and had been forced to wrestle and punch her way out of a tight grip.
One of the Haunted had even managed to bite her during one of the struggles.
She could still remember the sound of her skin being punctured by rotted teeth, and had barely gotten loose before the thing could rip part of her hand off.
... And then there were Sebastian's hands, which looked as though they had had every inch of skin ripped off of them.
Kidman had seen him fight once or twice- and at one point, Sebastian had grabbed a Haunted solely by the barbed wire around its head and had thrown the creature aside like it was nothing. It was like he wasn't afraid to put himself into immediate danger if it meant keeping someone else safe.
Still... she wasn't sure how he was able to hold his gun so steadily when it looked like his hands had been put through a meat grinder- or how he even managed to hold a gun at all.
...
Thinking back on it now, Kidman wondered if the barbed wire had really even hurt him. Did Sebastian even feel pain from it?
"Is there something you want to talk about?" Joseph spoke.
Kidman stirred back into the present at the question, and looked to where her fingers had lightly intertwined with his. And for some reason or another, he had returned the gesture- lightly holding his palm against hers.
Normally she would've felt content and happy with him holding her hand, but... she didn't get that feeling now.
All she got was a storm of turmoil in her gut.
A feeling of cold in her fingertips.
She gently squeezed his hand once, holding it for a few short seconds to savor the presence of it against hers... before she let him go.
"I hope you never regret me," Kidman started, keeping her voice low as she moved her fingers through her still damp hair- pulling it out of her face. "I know it's a lot to ask, and I can't ask you to do something that's not possible for you to do, but... don't ever think of me as a mistake."
...
Joseph said nothing.
And Kidman wondered if the painful knot in her gut was even a fraction of what he had felt with their last conversation- when she had been the one to leave in silence. She deserved it; she wasn't naive or arrogant enough to believe otherwise.
Still...
Even a simple 'no' would be better than this.
She heard him give a quiet sigh and watched as he leaned his head back against the wall- closing his eyes as he did so. It was odd to notice how much older he looked in this moment- she could practically count the different wrinkles that had collected on the corners of his eyes. Just moments ago, he had seemed so young and energized- so willingly alive.
But here, right now... it didn't even look like he had the energy to stand up, or even keep himself awake for much longer.
"Things are just... really complicated right now," Joseph finally spoke; his hands distracting themselves with the coffee cup in his grasp. "We're all having a hard enough time trying to deal with what happened, and... deal with our own problems stemming from it." he took a slight pause as though regretting his word choice there. "But I..." he stopped again and seemed to be considering his next words carefully.
Kidman felt that pit in her stomach rip open at the silence.
She didn't know what he was going to say next, but... she almost hoped that he wouldn't finish the thought.
"I'm just not ready to give up on you."