The day rolled into evening and the temperature dropped significantly. My nose was cold and so were my hands. But being with Jacob made those thing insignificant. He'd asked plenty whether I wanted to leave for somewhere warmer but I waved that idea away wanting to stay here with him. Alone.
Though it was just the two of us I couldn't help all the thoughts running through my head.
I was feeling so tired now not just emotionally but physically as well.
Spotting a log not to far from where we stood, I walked over to have a seat. It was a little to high for me as it curved like a jagged rainbow, plunging from the sand on one side and back in on the other. Jake turned to seeing me try to get up on it and smiled shaking his head before he came and helped me take the seat.
He turned to the waves again thinking for a moment before turning back to me.
"Are you alright Bells?" He asked softly. "When dad said you called last night he said that you sounded upset, like you were crying." I could tell now that this had been bugging him for awhile and now he decided it was worth it to ask.
"I-," What could I say. I thought a moment and decided to go with something along the lines of the truth. "I was upset honestly."
I said look down at my hands on my lap.
"Why what happened?"
"Your letter, I wanted to make sure you were alright. I missed you Jake a lot."
"I missed you to Bells. But is there something else that happened? I mean you and Edward earlier . . . are you alright? Despite everything you said to me just earlier. You don't seem to happy with him." I couldn't help but pick out the hopeful tone in his voice.
"I honestly don't know Jake, it's just . . . I don't know. Different?"
"Whats different?" He asked taking a small step forward.
I didn't answer. How could I, was I really ready to say what it was that was being ignored deep down inside me.
When I didn't answer he moved over to the branch I was sitting on and pulled me into a warm hug. I melted. And than the flood gates opened. I cried, clinging desperately to his shirt while he held me and rubbed my back soothingly. Telling me that things would be alright.
But it wasn't. I was so confused about everything. About my feelings for Edward and for him. And not wanting to hurt him, but not wanting to cut him off. Of Edward not allowing me to freely see Jake as I pleased. It was all overwhelming.
When I was finally able to stop, I didn't let go of him. I didn't push him away in embarrassment. I stayed in his strong and secure arms enjoying his warmth. That is until Jake tilted my head up looking into my brown eyes. I could no longer see the trace of the boy in his eyes they seemed far wiser than his years.
But even so he was beautiful. Where as Edward was a work of art sculpted by the blood and venom running through his veins, Jacob was the rugged sort that made you believe you'd always always be safe. Always always be provided for.
My breathing became shallow in anticipation. But for what? I swallowed sitting up a little straighter under his gaze. His fingers traced the edges of my face slowly and than my lips and I gasped unexpectedly that it felt nice and I also needed more.
Jake leaned forward a bit testing my reaction. And it seemed he got the answer to what he wanted when I didn't pull away. He leaned in and placed his lips to mine. A little unsure of what I'd do, if I'd push him away or turn as I always do. He began to move his lips slowly on mine and to my surprise I relaxed into it, returned his kiss.
My lips locked on to his gripping his shirt and pulling him closer to me. Immediately he fixed our position so that he was standing in between my legs. His kisses becoming deeper, I felt myself being lifted and than settling into his lap, straddling him as he sat in the sand. I liked this position better. It gave me more access to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck pulling him to me. My breast smashed against his chest and my fingers sliding into his hair feeling how silky smooth it was.
This was entirely different from the kisses I shared with Edward. In this kiss there was no one holding back. None at all.
I hadn't realized my hips had started to move leisurely they moved soliciting a groan from Jake and I felt him straining in his pants. Our breathing had become heavier, our kisses more demanding and the friction against my center ever more delicious.
I wanted more. My hips moved a little more frantically against him and I gasped digging my fingers into him as I felt him buck, pushing up and hitting a little spot that had my body in flames. And than I felt heated hand on my hips setting a rhythm that had me panting through the kisses. I was so lost, I didn't know what else I could do but grip tighter at the back of Jake's shirt, my face heating and becoming just as warm as he always was.
It wasn't until I felt his lips left my own and travel down the column of my neck and pull at the flesh there that the trance was broken.
What was I doing? To do this! Especially When Edward was probably going frantic with worry and not knowing what was happening over here.
He was after all my boyfriend. And I . . . I cheated, I mean this is considered cheating Wasn't it? I pulled away quickly. Standing up I backed away it was a shock to be away from him so suddenly, to have ended it so quickly, so abruptly... At that moment It was a shock for Jake too, he stood up quickly looking around confused and ready for an attack on us.
My heart pounded in my ears and I turned and started to walk away from him. I didn't know what to do! I was so confused. It should have never happened but . . . but I liked it so much. What if I didn't stop? would we have . . . would we have gone all they way. A shiver ran through me, I couldn't help but wonder how that would be. How would it have felt with him. With Jake.
"Bella wait!" He called and my feet stopped moving I tried to blink back my tears. Jake jogged towards me stopping a few feet behind me. And I could still feel the heat from him. Tears formed and dropped down my cheeks.
"Don't leave me," he pleaded.
"I shouldn't have done that. I was selfish I didn't think how this would make Edward feel." I sniffled looking at the ground. I sighed and looked at him so he'd know how serious I was being.
"How? . . . I don't get it. How could you possibly bring him up after what just happened?" He asked his voice strained as he gestured with his hands to where we had been a few moments ago. It was hurting him.
"I'm sorry this is all my fault. I-" a sob racked my body. "I shouldn't have done that." I turned and starting walking away from him as fast as I could.
"Bella it's not your fault. It's as much on me, I kissed you. I was there, we both did it. We both wanted it."
I could hear the pain in his voice, I knew how he felt about me, I took advantage of that. I stopped for a moment. I thought for a moment trying to get my thoughts straight.
"But I have a boyfriend Jacob and I just betrayed him in the most unthinkable way." I wrapped my arms around my shoulders trying shield myself from the cold wind pushing against me like it wanted me to go in the direction of Jacob.
"Why is it so hard for you to admit it?" He yelled to me from where he stood.
"Admit what, Jacob?" I replied back at a near whisper.
"That you love me, Bells. That you missed me because you know that deep down you have feeling for me that your trying not to act on! Just admit that you love me. Because . . . because I love you Isabella. I always have, ever since we where children. And that's never going to change. I close my eyes and you're all I see."
I shook my head, tears still forced there way out again as I tried to stop them.
"I'm with Edward," I tried and failed to sound like that's all that mattered to me. But what he had just said ran in circles throughout my mind.
"With?" He walked closer to me. "But do you love him?"
The wind picked up more bringing with it little droplets of rain. I took deep breaths, feeling like I couldn't breath properly any longer.
"Yes," I answered. It sounded defeated and dry even to my own ears. Not at all the way a profession of love should sound.
I felt Jake's hands on my shoulders, turning me slowly. I looked up into his eyes, they were filled with tears too. I suppose we had both reached our braking points. And I had finally broken him in a way by denying him again.
I squeezed my eyes shut letting big droplets of tears fall.
He asked again slowly, "Do you love him, Bells?"
I nodded and a sob worked its way through my body. But that answer wasn't good enough for him. Again he asked. "Do you love him?" I could hear the tightness in his voice.
"I think so," I sniffled.
"Not good enough Bells."
But it was true, I still had some feeling that held me to Edward. There was definitely something there. But . . .
"How about this, do you love me too?" I could hear the hope and longing in his voice. I could feel that same hope and longing inside me as well.