Chapter Eight
Max adopts a deer in headlights look as she gazes up at Rachel, the Californian slowly approaching her with a stern and determined expression.
Oh God… she said "We need to talk." Nothing good ever follows that! She probably knows I have feelings for Chloe by now, so I guess she's about to defend her territory or something. Are Long Beach girls violent? Should I be concerned for my safety?
"Um… what about?" Max tries to keep it casual as she slips her photography satchel strap overhead to leave the bag on the bed, then slowly rises to her feet to face Rachel. Her hands reach for her lap to fiddle with the buckle of her little purple belt.
Rachel puts her hands on her hips and tilts her head down to glare past her brows. "I'll be nice to you in front of Chloe, for her sake, but we can NOT be friends. Not after that shit you pulled."
Max drops her jaw as she exhales, a bit taken aback by the cold and blunt statement, her eyes darting about as her mind searches for what she did that was so terribly wrong. "Rachel… I don't know what you think happened, but I'm not here to cause any trouble. I didn't come down here to try and steal Chloe from you, I just want to enjoy a road…"
"Really, Max!?" Rachel interrupts, her voice elevated and forehead creasing in her anger. "That's what you think this is about? Wow, you really don't have a fucking clue, do you?"
The elevated tone knocks Max back on her heels, the frightened teen taking a step back. "No, I guess I don't know what this is about. Please, explain what happened so I can understand."
Rachel scoffs and folds her arms under her bust. "Please explain what happened? You're going to regret asking me to do that, but it looks like nobody ever told you. It seems fitting I have to be the one to call you out on this shit."
Oh no… she sent Chloe away on purpose. She was planning this. What is this?
"Saturday, December 13th, 2008. Ring any bells?" The rage in Rachel's eyes burns right through Max. "Chloe helped you move your things from your room to your parents' car, gave you a great big hug and said 'Call me when you get there.' Do you remember what you said back to her?"
Max begins slowly backpedalling as she realizes the meaning of this rage, retreating to no avail as Rachel advances on her. She quietly repeats what became the most awful lie she ever told. "Of course… we're best friends forever."
"That's right. And then you crumpled her up and threw her away. You never spoke to her again!" Rachel squeezes her hands into fists but keeps them down around her hips. "When her father died it wasn't his choice. When her mother had to make sacrifices from the loss of income it wasn't her choice. But you CHOSE to drop Chloe out of your life when she needed you the most! You hurt her more than anyone else in the world!"
"W…wait, that's not how I meant it." Max struggles to find a way to defend herself as she tears up. "It wasn't supposed to seem like that."
"Well it seemed that way to her! You crushed her, Max. By the time I met her nine months later she was totally broken and alone. There was nothing in her eyes, just… shadows. I didn't know why yet, but I knew she was hurt real bad, so I became a friend to her. I did all I could for her those first few months of freshman year. Fast forward to Sunday evening, December 13th, 2009, exactly one year after you abandoned her. I got a text from her that just said 'Thanks for being the only one who cares. Goodbye Rachel.' Do you have any idea what it feels like to receive a text like that?"
Max reaches up to clutch at her heart through her pink shirt as she realizes the true severity of this story, her first tears rolling down her cheeks as she retreats across the room. "No…" She shakes her head, trying to will the conversation to end just as much as to answer Rachel's question.
Rachel matches her step for step toward the sliding glass door that leads to the balcony on the far side of the room. "I called her and called her, but she turned her phone off. I called her mom, but Joyce thought Chloe was hanging with me. When I realized where she went I rode my bike so hard through the snow I crashed, and now I have a permanent scar on my right knee. I BLED for her while you sat in Seattle and did nothing!"
It feels like a knife stabbing her when Max feels Rachel's finger pound into her chest in that last sentence. "Please… I can't hear this. Please, stop." Her begging comes out in whimpers as she backs into the glass door, having nowhere else to retreat to.
"I barely made it to the junkyard in time." Rachel doesn't relent, even as she tears up from the pain of the memory rising through her rage. "She was sitting in our hideout writing the last sentence of her goodbye letter to me. She had a bottle of sleeping pills she was going to take, and just go lie in the snow… to die, cold and alone. That's how YOU made her feel, Max."
"Nooooo!" Max breaks down, covering her face with both hands to hide her shame and sorrow as she sobs. Her back slowly slides down the glass door as she crumples to the floor, Rachel's story striking her like a pickaxe, tearing her apart piece by piece.
"She tried to take them as soon as I found her, and I had to leap on her and hold her tight so she couldn't down those pills." Rachel looms over Max, one of her own tears dropping to leave a wet mark on Max's white jeans. "I tried everything to stop her. I reasoned, demanded, pleaded and begged, but she was so determined to die. I held her for an hour until my arms ached, and I knew they were going to fail me soon and I would lose her. I couldn't feel my hands or feet, and I thought I was going to start losing fingers from frostbite. I was only fifteen… I wasn't ready to deal with something like that. Chloe's face was so blank and distant, and I felt so helpless as nothing I said would work."
Max buries her face into her knees as she wraps her arms around her legs to cuddle into herself, trying to stop her limbs from shaking over the trauma of hearing the consequences of her past. "Please… please, no more."
"You want to know what finally did it, Max?" Rachel reaches up to wipe her index fingers under her eyes, pulling the tears away and smearing her makeup. Her tone becomes quiet and somber. "I told her that I would stay with her no matter what… that if she took those pills and fell asleep in the snow, I would lie down and die with her. That's what made her break down and cry and hold me tight. That brought her back to me. All she needed was someone to stand with her no matter what… to be her best friend forever… to fulfill the promise you broke a year before."
Rachel finally relents as she turns around to find the box of tissues near the hotel TV, using one to dab her eyes and blow her nose. Her rage seems spent as she witnesses Max in such a fragile and defeated state, crumpled and sobbing into her knees. She walks over to sit on the foot of the bed that's closer to the balcony, looking down at Max.
"I've been waiting three years to do that. I thought it would feel a lot better, but it hurt me, too." She concedes with a sigh, slumping and resting her forearms on her thighs. "I thought you would be some cold hearted bitch that didn't give a shit, the type of person that uses people up and throws them away. But you've been so gentle and sweet today… you're not at all what I expected. I just don't understand how you could have done something like that to Chloe. I can't be friends with someone who does something like that for no reason. Why did you do it, Max?"
Max slides her feet along the carpeted floor to lay her legs flat and folds her hands in her lap, leaning her head back against the window and peering up at Rachel. Her face is so pink and puffy from sobbing, glistening with the moisture of many fallen tears. She sniffs a few times as she tries to regain her composure, swallowing hard and considering how to respond. In her totally defeated state her mind arrives at the simple truth.
"She was my first crush. I developed feelings for her at thirteen, and I wanted to tell her. But then her dad died and it didn't feel like the right time. And then my parents told me they were moving me to Seattle and I thought I would never see her again. It broke my heart… every time I picked up a phone and thought about calling Chloe I started crying. I couldn't do it. I'm so sorry… I wasn't strong enough for her."
Rachel wrinkles her brows and drops her jaw a bit as she stares at the floor, her mind racing to process the information and see Max in a different light than she ever saw her before. She takes a few deep breaths as her hands rub up and down her thighs. "Wait, didn't it get easier when you started dating? Didn't you find anyone else to crush on?"
Max immediately shakes her head. "I tried dating a few boys and a couple girls, but I could never get past kissing. It didn't feel right because they weren't… Chloe." She sighs as she looks down at her feet.
"Oh my God…" Rachel breathes the words out as she starts to see the picture. "You're totally in love with her, aren't you? Like, soul mate stuff. Have you felt all the warm tingles and things rushing around inside you these last couple of days, being around her again?"
Max just nods and keeps staring at her feet, pressing her lips tightly together as she anticipates more terrorizing after she's admitted she has feelings for Rachel's girlfriend.
"Damn, that's heavy." Rachel stands up and walks over to the box of tissues, plucking two out and stepping over to Max to offer them to the girl. "Here." She stares down at Max as her face battles with a myriad of emotions.
Max reaches up to collect the tissues and pats her face down with them, confused by the kind gesture all of a sudden but certainly not about to complain. "Thanks."
Rachel folds her arms over her stomach and shifts her weight from foot to foot, seeming quite uncomfortable with her thoughts. She seems to want to say a lot of things, but gives up as she twists to walk away. "I'm going to clean up. I'd rather not get into this with Chloe tonight." She collects her bathroom supply bag from her suitcase and disappears into the bathroom.
Max pushes herself to her feet and stares around the room like a zombie, feeling so mentally drained after hearing the worst story she could ever imagine. Her eyes land on the door behind her and she decides to slide it open and step out to the balcony to get a breath of fresh air. Her hands reach out to cling to the top railing as she props her right foot on the bottom bar of the railing, leaning into it to spend a few minutes peering down at the sunset covered expanse of Portland seven stories down.
Chloe was going to kill herself… because of me? What kind of person am I? I always figured I was a good person because I'm polite, honest, attentive… but is all that just surface bullshit? Am I selfish deep down, where it really matters? I put myself above my best friend when I blocked her out of my life to try and stop the pain of losing her, and it almost killed her. How am I ever going to make this up to her? Why didn't she scream at me over the phone, or the first time she saw me?
"MAX!" Rachel shrieks from within the hotel room and sprints from the bathroom to the sliding glass door in a panic.
Max gasps and twists around to take a step away from the rail and toward the open sliding door, her shocked eyes zipping around to try and figure out what's going on.
Rachel runs right into her and pulls her into a tight hug. "Don't do it!"
After standing in shock for a few moments Max realizes how wonderful it feels to be hugged right now, so she sinks into it and wraps her arms around Rachel to give her a firm squeeze. "Oh, did you think I was going to jump? No, I was just getting some fresh air. I'm OK, Rachel, really."
"Oh, thank God. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if you jumped." Rachel decides to hold the hug, giving Max a soothing back rub as well. "Listen, Max… I'm sorry for coming down on you so hard like that. Three years of bottled up anger toward someone I never met just kind of turned into a raging meltdown. I always thought you'd be a bitch… and straight. I didn't think you might have real feelings for Chloe and that's why you couldn't maintain a long distance friendship with her. I totally understand now. I forgive you… but, you did hurt Chloe really bad, so you still owe her big time."
Max nods at Rachel as the two slip out of the hug. "I know, that's what I was just thinking about out here. How can you make up for something like that? It could take a lifetime." She sighs as she moves through the sliding door back into the hotel room. "What about my feelings for Chloe, though? Aren't you mad?"
Rachel closes the door behind her and shakes her head. "No, you can't control what the heart wants. I won't blame you for loving Chloe, but I do think you should tell her. Some time, during this road trip, you should find the courage to tell her what you wanted to when you were thirteen."
Max nervously brushes her hands through her hair as she walks through the room. "That's not really why I wanted to go on this road trip, though. I don't like to come between people who are in relationships, it makes me so uncomfortable. Are you sure I should tell her?"
Rachel follows Max to the bathroom and leans on the door frame as she watches Max rinse her face off with cold water. "Just look at what happened the last time you didn't tell her how you really felt. You don't wanna go down that road again, Max. You have nine days, and I'll be here to help if you need it. We can make plans together to make sure Chloe will never be sad and alone again. Just think it over, OK?"
Max looks at herself in the mirror after thoroughly rinsing and cooling her face under the water to get as much of the pink puffiness out as she could. "You're right. I'll tell her… when the time is right. It's not like she'll leave you for me, anyway. I live up in Seattle, and you… well, look at you. You're so gorgeous it's not even fair."
Rachel laughs and approaches to hug Max from behind, leaning her chin on the girl's shoulder to make eye contact through the mirror. "You're adorable, Max. And to some people that's far more attractive than being gorgeous." She rubs her hands over Max's stomach a little as she watches their reflection for a few moments. "Are we OK?"
Max slowly nods and smiles. "Yeah, we're OK. Thanks for telling me the truth about Chloe. Does anyone else know?"
Rachel shakes her head as she lets Max go. "No. And nobody else needs to know." She pats Max on the shoulder and turns around to head out of the bathroom.
Max sighs as she stares at herself in the mirror. I was supposed to be taking pictures at the Seattle Science Center and the Space Needle with Kristen and Fernando today. That would have been so fun and easy. Did my future self know how big of a drama bomb she was dropping on me this week?
Max turns the light off in the bathroom and goes to sit on the foot of her chosen bed, watching the hotel TV as Rachel flips through the channels to find something interesting. Five minutes later the door clicks and opens, Chloe entering with two white plastic bags that have Panda Express logos on them, and a six-pack of beer.
"What's up, my bitches?" Chloe enters with her usual brash attitude. "I brought you like forty pounds of food! These people give way too much rice. Seriously, though, this is heavy, you both owe me kisses. I want them." She stands between the beds and leans forward with her brows raised expectantly.
Rachel laughs and pushes off the bed to plant a kiss on Chloe's left cheek, and Max follows to plant one on the right. Having received her toll, Chloe grins and passes out big, white Styrofoam boxes full of food, and the girls take their positions on the beds to watch TV while munching away. Chloe is too busy chowing down and watching TV to really take notice of the emotional air in the room, Rachel and Max successfully keeping the drama to themselves.
After the food is gone and they're all sipping on a beer Max raises the question about how Chloe bought it, but feels pretty dumb when the obvious answer is a fake ID. She doesn't find the bitterness of it that appealing, but being polite she drinks what she was given. Max stays seated on the foot of the bed as she's watching TV, but Chloe and Rachel have scooted back to cuddle together amongst all the pillows.
Chloe whispers a few things into Rachel's ear, the model to be grinning and looking over to Max. "Max, dear, could you give us the room for a few minutes?"
Max peers over her shoulder and realizes what's going on. "Oh, right, sexy time. Actually, that's fine. I need to go be alone and focus on something." She steps over to her suitcase to pull out her journal and colored pencils.
"Don't write anything bad about me in there!" Chloe calls out as Max grabs a keycard and heads toward the door.
"Everything about you is bad, Chloe. But we love you anyway!" Max playfully calls over her shoulder, hearing Chloe call her a smartass as she passes through the door.
Max heads down to the end of the hall where there's a cushioned seat tucked up against the window that overlooks the city below. She sits sideways on it, leaning back on the wall and propping her feet up on the cushion to make a diagonal table of her thighs. The one beer doesn't seem to cloud her mind, rather it helps her forget her stresses a bit and lets the writing flow freely as she chronicles everything important that happened since she arrived in Arcadia Bay. As she finishes up and closes her journal half an hour later she feels something poking her arm through her hoodie pocket, reaching in to find that childhood photo of her and Chloe that Joyce had given her earlier. She lets out a long sigh as she stares down at the happy, innocent face of her best friend and first crush.
Oh, Chloe. Poor, young, wonderful Chloe. I can't believe I almost killed you. Why did losing me make you want to die? Did you secretly have a crush on me, too? There's so much I need to ask you this week… and tell you. How will you react if I tell you I love you?
Her cell phone buzzes and she tucks the photo into her closed journal, then stands up to pull her phone out of her jeans. Chloe texted her a picture of a naked butt. "Tck, are you cereal? Tease… I can't even tell if this is you or Rachel. Ugh, whatever, guess this means you're done in there."
Max makes her way back to the room and knocks before entering, just to be sure, walking in to find Chloe and Rachel snuggled under the sheets in their chosen bed. They're definitely naked, but at least they're covered and seem to be snuggling in the afterglow of their private time.
"Nice text, buttface." Max complains with a mixed frown and smile as she tucks her journal and colored pencils back into her suitcase.
"Yeah, figured you'd like that. Hey, dig into my suitcase and bring me the blue pouch before you grab a seat." Chloe requests as she sees Max.
It takes a few moments to sift through the mass of randomly placed items in that bag to find it, but Max produces the blue pouch and brings it to the bed to offer to Chloe.
"Alright, Doctor Max in the house. Now we're gonna get all fixed up." Chloe opens the bag and pulls out some rolled joints and a lighter, offering a joint to everyone.
"Um, are you sure it's a good idea to smoke pot in here?" Max holds her hands up and back, not accepting the joint offered to her. "I don't know if I'm comfortable with that."
Chloe rolls her eyes and lets out an exaggerated sigh. "Max, you promised you'd loosen up and party with us this week!"
"What? No, I never promised that! You just keep telling me to! Oh my God, this is the peer pressure they warn us about in D.A.R.E." Max eyes the joint as it's still held out in front of her.
"Jesus, Max, it's just weed. I'm not giving you heroine. We're in the hotel room… what do you think is gonna go wrong, you'll fall out of bed? Just smoke a blunt with us. Kick back, relax." Chloe wiggles the joint insistently until Max accepts it.
"Fine, but just the one. And don't try to talk me into any crazy business while I'm high." She puts it in her mouth and leans forward to let Chloe light it.
"Chill, Maxi-Pad. We're just gonna smoke and watch TV till we zonk out." Chloe lights everyone up, then leans back on her pillow.
"Enjoy getting crossfaded for the first time." Rachel smiles and winks at Max as the girl heads over to her own bed.
"I don't know what that means. You Southern Californians need to quit making up words." Max steps out of her shoes and lifts her feet one by one to tug her socks off, then props her pillows up so she can sit upright in bed and use them as a backrest.
"It's when you drink alcohol and smoke pot at once. You'll be fine, though. This weed is dank, and we're experienced users. We'll take care of you." Rachel promises as she leans into Chloe.
Max settles in, finding her body feeling more warm and cozy in that bed with each puff of the joint. All the problems of the world seem to fade away and her eyes wander around the room to take in random details she missed before, as well as the plastic bag stuck over the smoke detector with what looks like an elastic hair tie. Soon the programs on TV are all funny, even the ones that aren't meant to be. Max becomes exceedingly giggly since she's not used to being high, and as she starts cracking up about everything it makes the other two laugh along with her.
The night becomes a blur, though a happy one, and Max stops worrying about her mission for the first time since she received it. She's so relaxed she doesn't really react when Rachel hops out of bed to stroll naked through the room to go wash her makeup off. She just smiles to herself as she identifies that it's not the same butt from the text, and that it must be Chloe's butt in her phone.
Eventually Max strips down to her bra and panties, not feeling like digging through her suitcase for night things with the substances in her, and she just makes a cozy nest in her bed. She's surrounded by warmth and softness, and she's so totally relaxed that sleep claims her before the others are finished watching TV. Max doesn't even remember when she fell asleep, only that she's content with how the day ended and is ready to begin the next.