Walk on a fine line
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Summary: You were born a Leonora instead of a Leo. It displeased your mother. So she changed it. Born-a-girl Leo! Gender ambiguity. Semi-AU.
Disclaimer: Fire Emblems isn't mine, and though I could use the money, I make no profit from this fic.
Rated: T, for now
Warnings: Heavy themes here folks. Like manipulation, murder, gender ambiguity. Fun, fun, fun.
Notes: English isn't my native language, I'm not beta'ed. This is me appologizing in advance for the multiple ways I probably butchered grammar and decency.
Special thanks to Caellach Tiger Eye, your review honestly made my day!
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You've known jealousy before. Of course you had. You'd been jealous of your siblings, for being less shy, less weak, less you. The sudden bursts of greed, the slow rampant feelings of envy were as familiar to you than the glint of magic beetween your fingers or the condescending whispers of your mother in your ear.
But not like that. Not this overwhelming, crippling hate.
Of course, it had little to do with Corrin himself, and everything with your bitter, treacherous heart. You weren't so far gone not to understand the nuance after all. But you couldn't help it either.
There layed the basic difference beetween you and your siblings, selfishness. When Father had called the four of you to announce the 'great news', they had been overjoyed. Well, Elise and Camilla, because Xander was too cool for 'overjoyed', but he did had that small smile that meant happiness.
You? You only felt threatened. As if you were still your mother's puppet in this arena of theirs, and a new contender had just arrived, ready to compete for the affection of your siblings. The only cause you actually wanted to fight for.
You walked into that dreadful castle of his with the firm intention to detest your new brother, and you did. Oh, how much you did. He made it easy, ironically, by being so loveable. Had he displayed some kind of flaw, anything, you could have forgiven him the intrusion on your meticously-arranged life. But no, not marvellous, wonderfulCorrin.
"My lovely Corrin", Camilla crooned after what, a few days of actually meeting him. It had taken years for her to notice you, even more to appreciate you. You told yourself the fault lied more in the difference of situation than personalities. But deep down you knew. Camilla loved you to pieces, just like she loved Xander or Elise, because that devotion to her family ran into her very blood. She had make it so, as if to compensate for her mother's wrongs to that same family. Camilla loved you by duty, but Corrin, Corrin she adored by choice.
"Big brother Corrin!" Elise practically radiated adoration. Your little sister had been so scared of you at first. It made sense after all, you had been born and raised out of the darkness of Nohr, while Elise impersonated the Sun itself in human flesh. One gloomy and taciturn prince, who diverted his time beetween learning the Dark Arts and lurking into the shadow, and a lovely princess, always seeing the best into everyone, even those who hardly deserved the bother. You were as different as night and day, Elise and you. Your little sunshine deserved someone as warm as she was, and the Fell Dragon knew you could never fill that role for her. You just wished Corrin wouldn't be able to either.
"You did good, little prince," Xander would smile, smiled at that shameless upstart. So he could yield a sword better than you, big deal. You hated sword fighting. Not because of the pratice itself, but because the fear of betraying your condition paralyzed you. But sword fighting you were expected to learn, so sword fighting you learned. Despite your crippling fear, after a while you did alright. But Corrin, a weapon in hands, did better than alright. He shone. And he didn't hesitated to go to Xander, when you contented yourself to admire the man who considered as your salvation from afar.
What use was there for you now, with this better version of a brother? An actual brother, not a fallacy of one like you, trying so pathetically to hide your freakishness under oversized clothes and a devil-may-care attitude.
It was pure hell, those two first weeks you spent at the Northern Forteress. The more you tried to avoid Corrin the more he made the effort to seek you out, with those freaky redish pupils reaching out with earnest warmth. That fool. You could have killed him. You would have killed him, if not for your siblings in the next room.
And then it hit you. Had your mother felt that way too? This poison, this cancer slowly but surely invading your mind, corrupting your thoughts, destroying everything you worked for?
And here you had thought you had gotten rid of her. But the sickness ran into your very blood, into your bones, into your head.
You couldn't run away from that prison fast enough.
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By the third time your siblings had decided to make the trip to the Northern Forteress and to drag your reluctant self along with them, you had stopped all forms of resistance alogether. Life is war, but some battles are not worth to be fought for, you reminded yourself as you stared morosly at the country side through the window of the carriage.
Battles like say no to the combined force of Xander's disappointed stare, Camilla's insisting pout and Elise's smile. A smart tactician had to understand their own limits, and you just had reached yours.
You resigned yourself to be shipped off to that dreadful Forteress every three months or so and spent a week avoiding human contact, especially Corrin's. You couldn't still managed to call the boy brother. That title belonged to Xander, and Xander alone.
Nonetheless, after many hours of peregrination, you had somehow found a quiet place to hide yourself from your self-imposed nemesis. A peaceful alcove, hidden behind a shelf, with a window, a confortable seat, and a distinct lack of him. Add some warm conforters and plenty of books, and you would get as close of heaven you could reach into this poor excuse of a castle.
Except by the time you had managed to skip most the touching reunion beetween Corrin and co, and reached your usual spot with the firm intention not to leave it until dinner time at least, your sacred place had been already sacked and desanctified.
You stared at a blue-haired girl in maid uniform, reading one of your books into your seat with your meanest, more threatening glare. To your defense, the trip had been just endless, with your sisters relaying themselves to recount their beloved brother Corrin's many many accomplishments.
The girl stared back, with icest shade of blue you had ever saw into a human iris, unbothered and cool as a cumcumber. "Yes?"
"It's my book," you answered the inquiry, your teeth almost grinding in anger. And your seat and your window and your damn alcove. Get out get out get out.
She closed the book resting on her lap, and gratified you with a polite nod. "I appologize then for my rudeness. But to be fair, how was I to know?"
A fine point, you had to admit reluctantly. You would have as well, had you not been in such an awful mood, and unlikely to be as reasonable as usual. The maid must have seen it as well, as she rose gracefully from your seat before bowing in apology.
"Please forgive me my Lord, I meant no offence. May I be excused now?"
You nodded accordingly, your anger reciding only to leave place for unconfort. You were more than used to deference from servants, after so many years living into the palace, but somehow her attitude, though impeccable, left you in unease. Wrong. The blue-haired maid held herself straight as an arrow, proud and regal despite the position of apparant submission. As if she had been born and raised to rule, not to serve.
You would learn later about the two Ice Tribe hostages, the twin daughters of the rebel chieftain. Flora and Felicia, healers, Ice users, warriors, leaders, old enough to be useful yet young enough to be influenceable, shipped off to the Northern Fortess to play servants for Corrin. Sometimes you had no idea how your royal father thought at all.
"Wait," you called at her retreating back. She froze, and turned back towards you, her face as impassable as before. Did nothing reach that girl? You had seen older maids freak out for far less.
"Milord?"
"I may have been a bit...rash," you admitted, your cheeks blushing faintly with embarrassment. Xander, equally fair to everyone and their cousin, would have been ashamed of your childish attitude. "You're free to use..." And what was it exactly? Your refuge, your heaven, your cave? "the place as you will."
After all, nothing in this castle truly belonged to you.
The maid nodded along, thanked you for your 'kindness', and then left to attend towards her duties. You knew from her closed face you would never caught her dead near that alcove ever again.
Pity. In retrospect, you could have used the company of someone who would read willingly "Nohrian Agriculture through the Ages', the non-abreged version, in their free-time.
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You loved libraries at night. There was something surreal, almost religious about walking among the shelves full of knowledge waiting to picked up, with only a frail candle against the darkness. You used to be so scared of the dark, as a child, but not anymore. You were a prince of Nohr after all. By right, darkness was your kingdom, and silent libraries your churches.
But that night it would seem you wouldn't get to be alone for your usual late prayer.
"And th...then the so...sword pierced th..thr...through? Dammit!"
Curious, you blew your own candle and drew closer to the light. Next to a wavering candle, his white-haired head deep into a thin book, a boy sat with a clear expression of frustrated concentration. Corrin.
"What are you doing?" you stepped into the light, intrigued enough to approach the relative you usually spent so much effort avoiding.
Corrin jumped at the unexpected noise, and you held back a snort at his obliviousness. Had you been an enemy, brother dearest would have been long dead. No wonder he had to be kept away from everything. The poor thing wouldn't hold a second into the real world, despite Xander's many praises.
"He..hey Leo," he greeted you awkwardly, clearly uncomfortable. "What...what are you doing here this late?"
You drew even closer, attracted like a shark to fresh blood to your sibling's clear discomfort. "I asked first, brother."
Corrin hastily closed the book, as if to remove it from your inquiring sight. Not such luck. "Just...studying."
Your eyebrow couldn't have risen higher had you tried. "What, at this hour of the night? I hadn't thought you the studious type."
You really, really hadn't. As a rule, Corrin had seemed to avoid the library like the plague, which suited you just fine. Besides, 'smartass nerd' always had been your mark, you doubted you could have taken it silently had your rival took that from you too.
At that, Corrin laughed self-deprecatingly. "Yeah, not really. But with you guys here, I kinda lost track of my studies. It's really great to have you all here, but if I don't catch up Gunther will gut me alive."
You sincerely doubted that affirmation. As far as you had seen, the former general, universally feared and respect for his record of successes the lenght of Father's megalomania, doted on the brat as if the prince was his own flesh and blood.
As most people here by the way. Corrin's sociopath of butler cooed on him like the Messiah, and actively concurrenced Camilla for the title of Most Embarrassing Stalker. Felicia, Flora's clueless and clumsy twin version, clearly adored your brother in her own awkward way. Silas, the son of low noble sent to the Forteress to entertain the lonely prince, regarded his friend with nothing less than his limitless devotion. Even Flora, who despite the ambient madness appeared to remain in possession of all her mental faculties, seemed to appreciate your brother's cheerful if desesperantly naive personality.
There were no escape to the Corrin Fan Club in the Northern Forteress, if not for complete isolation and resilient hope for more auspicious days to come.
"I'm sure my siblings could spare some time in your schedule for the greater sake of learning if you asked them to. Xander or Camilla could also help..."
"No!" you both jumped, startled at Corrin's loud protest. "I mean, it's fine, I don't want to bother them..."
Bother? Camilla probably wouldn't find it a bother to throw herself from the highest tower would Corrin ask her to, so lessons? She'd kill for an occasion to play teacher for her dearest Corrin.
"Oh I doubt it would be a bother, trust me," you replied with heavy sarcasm, as you leaned on the table and finally got a peek of the book the white-haired prince had been tried to hide from you.
The Tales of Ser Henry and Lady Esmerelle? You remembered reading those to Elise not a month ago. Why would Corrin be reading a book meant for children in the middle of the night?
And then it hit you. "You don't know how to read, do you?"
At your question, Corrin seemed to shrink on his seat, his face red with shame. "I'm..I'm still having trouble. I didn't wanted you guys to know, so...well..."
So he came in the dead of the night when he thought no one would see him to exercice. Oh. You hadn't expected that from your perfect brother. "They wouldn't think less of you, you know."
"Oh well, maybe not," he admitted thoughtfuly, before staring right at your smirking face. "But you would."
Your bemused smirk froze on your face. You weren't sure what do with that accusation, if it was even one. True, you valued intelligence and thirst for knowledge among all qualities, but it didn't meant you were oblivious to the rest. Elise for instance considered lessons as the most boring occupation ever invented by humankind, and you didn't thought less of her. Her strengh simply relied in other areas.
On the other hand, you did feel pity for your brother, despite all your previous hostility. Not because you thought him stupid for his illeteration, but because you couldn't concive a world where you wouldn't be able to read. Books always had been your refuge, your salvation, when you had no one else to care for you, and no reason to live.
Without books to loose yourself into, you would be long dead.
"Why would you care about my opinion?" you chose to neither confirm or deny Corrin's previous statement.
He stared back at you, as if you were the dumb one not to see the oblivious. "Because you're my brother, wether you like it or not. Of course I care about your opinion."
It took all your self-restrain not to openly gasp at your oddly provocative relative. "What? That's..."
"Stupid? Yes, I'm aware that's what you think of me," he interrupted you, his usual smile contorsioning into a bitter snarl. "Sorry not to be as smart as you are, Leo!"
This was spinning out of control lightening fast. And you hated to loose control. "Wait. What are you talking about?"
"That's why you hate me right?"
A laugh escaped your throat before you could stop it. "No. Absolutly not. I honestly have no idea how you came to that conclusion."
Corrin's anger deflated visibly. "Oh. Well, why then?"
Your hilarity disappeared as quickly as it came. Ah. That was a difficult question. One you would have been fine never to talk about, especially with the recipient of your childish there was no point denying your visceral loath of your brother, it would seem. "It's...complicated. I don't really hate you. I mean, I don't hate you because of you."
"Oh. That's...incredibly vague and unhelpful. Thanks, I guess?" Corrin frowned, puzzled, before smirking at you. "Besides, did you just give the 'It's not you, it's me' talk?"
He laughed at his own joke, before sobering at your blushing cheeks. "Wait, you're not jealous, right?
Your face turned an unheatly shade of red, and you avoided your brother's incredulous stare without answering. You knew you acted childishly already, not need for him to mock you further.
"Leo, are you for real?" Corrin gestured wildly. "What's to be jealous of? I'm the dumb prince stuck in middle of nowhere because Father is too ashamed of me to let me show my face in public! And you're you!
"And what's that suppose to mean?" you finally snarled back.
"Well, I don't know, that Father isn't ashamed of you! That Xander, Camilla and Elise think the world of you! That's you're smart, charismatic, funny, and strong. You know at least a hundred spells already, and you could kick my ass without thinking! So really, Leo, I'm asking you, what's to be jealous of?"
No, it was all a lie. Your siblings loved Corrin best. After all, you were a silly, anti-social, buzz-killer, weak, girl. Not the perfect brother like Corrin was, despite his protests.
A freak, and a liar. But Corrin couldn't know that, would he?
You couldn't stand his imperious glare anymore. You left without another word, hiding into the comfort of dark. Darkness, after all, never judged when you felt the need to cry your worth in salt.
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No better for introspection time than sleepless nights, you remembered reading once. You weren't sure about introspection, but after many hours of twisting and turning in your bed, restless with anxiety and self-recrimination, by morning you had finally made your decision. You had been a stupid, self-centered child, worse even, you had been the selfish monster your mother had raised to be. But you would fix it even it killed you. Now you just had to get Corrin to roll with it. Easy.
Your siblings had already started their breakfast when you decidly walked to the ancient table. Corrin looked as bad as you felt, with bags under his eyes the size of an empire. None of your siblings paid you any unusual attention, aside from polite greetings. So Corrin hadn't spoken of last night's incident. Yet.
"Good morning," you greeted everyone with an even tone. Xander nodded back at you, while Elise waved enthusiacally instead of answering, her mouth filled with a toast.
Corrin mumbled a 'good morning' without looking at you. Well. That could be a problem for your plans. Nevermind.
"Hello darling," Camilla smiled at you. "My, you don't look so good either Leo. Spend the whole night in your books again?"
Elise snickered at the jab and gratified you with her usual 'neeerd!', right on clue. What a cheeky brat. And Corrin, incontestad king of obliviousness, blushed and looked like he wanted nothing more than to be swallowed by the floor this instant. That idiot, you thought with unexpected fondness.
"Thanks sister," you retorted with heavy sarcasm. "Exactly what I needed on this fine morning, someone to tell me how ugly I look today."
"Anytime, my darling brother. I live to serve," the violet-haired princess replied, unbothered by your rebellious tone.
Xander sighed at your antics. "Enough, the whole of you. Leo, we already talked about 'not abusing your health' I believe. I know how seriously you take your studies, and fully support you, but we got to draw the line somewhere."
"I'm sorry, brother, it won't happen again," you lied dutifully, as your younger sister took the occasion to drove the final nail on your coffin. "Yeah, big bro, your zombie look is hurting my eyes!"
"Elise," the crown prince gave his younger sister a stern look, the one who worked wonders on everyone but the cheerful princess, before diverting his attention to the next target. "About you Corrin..."
"I'm so sorry!" the until then mute prince blurted suddenly, looking straight at you, before adverting his eyes, mortified. Couldn't someone, anyone, teach that fool the subtle art of discretion. The things you had to do for family. "I mean, I don't feel so well today..."
The other three were suddently on the uproar at the admission. Even your brother's creepy butler, who until then had been utterly motionless next to his master, broke his composture.
"Are you sick, my sweet Corrin?" Camilla started to fret, her breakast completly forgotten.
"Err, not really," the albinos prince blushed at the attention. Really, shouldn't he be used to it now? "I just didn't slept well that night, no big deal!"
You sighed in exasperation as the whole table relaxed with relief. Crisis adverted.
"Well, I know exactly what to do to cheer your up, brother!" Elise giggled in anticipation to whatever michief she had concocted. "How about after breakast we..."
"Not possible," you interrupted your sister's blabbling. "Corrin is already taken this morning."
Everyone turned to look at you with various degrees of surprise, including Corrin himself who stared at you fearfully with comically big eyes.
Now came the moment of truth. Corrin could ever choose to play along, and try to salvage that disastrous relation of yours. Or he could expose your duplicity to your siblings, right now. You hoped no one could see your hands shaking on your lap.
"He is?" asked Elise, bemused.
"I am?" repeated Corrin, before gasping as you pleaded him silently to play along. "Err, I mean, yes, definitly, I had forgotten about that. Sorry Leo?"
"It's fine," you dismissed his concern with a magnamous smirk. You doubted you ever felt so relieved in your whole life.
Camilla leaned on the table with a predatory smile. "Is that so? May the rest of us know why?"
"Sure," you shruggled with fake confidence, as Corrin hung on your every words. "We're studying."
Next to his bemused master, the butler, Jakob you suddently remembered cleared his throat. "I'm terribly sorry to interrupt, but I'm afraid Lord Corrin already have an lesson planned with Lord Gunther."
Jakob, though he claimed to be asking for forgiveness could as well have been trying to pierce your skull with his only eyes. He must knew about his master's reading little problem, and attempted to save him the embarrassment with a false pretext. What had Corrin done to earn himself such an unwavering loyalty, you could only speculate.
"Nonsense," Xander dismissed with a scowl. "We already cleared Corrin's schedule for the week with Gunther."
"Err, sorry Jakob, I forgot to tell you about that thing Leo and I had planned," Corrin silently pleaded his butler to let the matter go. The servant nodded and bowed in apology to both his master and the crown prince. "And Elise, I'm sorry, another time? I'm sure Silas would be glad to play with you instead."
The princess brightened a bit a the prospect, she did liked her brother's kind friend very much. But on the other hand, Camilla couldn't be trusted to let the matter go that easely. "My, what a lovely idea! Are we invited as well?"
You smirked at her. "Sorry sister, it's a private party. Little brothers allowed only."
Corrin's stunned smile could have blinded the sun
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Naturally, your desatrous relashionship with Corrin, or lack thereof, did not mend itself othernight by a single gesture of good faith. Your brother might the most forgiving Nohrian you had met, aside from Elise, but his blind trust had, fortunatly, limits. But he was more than willing to open his heart to his reluctant, awkward younger brother, despite that awful beginning of yours, as long as you tried.
And tried you did. Unfortunatly, being a teacher did not come easily to you. You simply lacked the patience, and the drive. What came as oblivious to you requiered more explanation and time to Corrin, to everyone really. Not that Corrin could considered as dumb, far from it, despite what he had said to you. It was just that you were, well, you.
But before you knew it, you were actually looking forwards to those little trips to the Northern Forteress, eager to battle against Elise or Camilla for your brother's precious time.
"Not fair!" Elise had pouted after you snatched a embarrassed Corrin from her deceitfully evil clutches. "It's my time to play with Big Brother, stupid Leo! Give him back!
And that would the moment you stuck your tongue at her and casted a spell to turn the two of you invisble to your raging sister's eyes, because you were so not above such childishness. What could you say, Elise had that talent to bring out the kid in you.
You quickly came to the conclusion that Corrin had to have been a fungus in another life. Give him a small overture, anything, and he'll grow on you like some kind of ravenous infection. One you weren't trying very hard to fight against, you had to admit. Your brother was just so warm you couldn't help but be drown to him like a moth to a flame, despite your reluctance.
Eventually, you managed to get your life into relative order. Prince Leo, the tactical and mage genius, little Leo, the reliable but awkward brother, Leo, Corrin's teacher, and that other Leo, hidden among sleepless nights and shamefull dreams.
And then came Niles.