(Warning Contains Mature themes/Trigger Warning Sexual Harassment)
April
Living without Daryl wasn't what Carol had expected at all. The nights felt longer and lonelier, sure she had already spent time away from Daryl before but this time it was different. The other times she knew there was a small possibility of her seeing Daryl again, at the time he wanted to see her badly but the look in his eyes as he let her go and the desperation in his voice made it clear he didn't want her back; not for a long time at least. On a lot of nights she went to bed wondering why? Don't get her wrong, she understood why he did what he did, she just didn't understand why he had to do it in the first place.
She often wished she still had him to go home to again, maybe she wondered if she'd still settle for Ed. After all to her happiness was not feeling alone, having company even if it was the worst.
Maybe she just wasn't afraid anymore.
Carol had taken a job in a bookstore not too far from her home, a few weeks after her departure from Daryl. She might as well take care of herself for once. It was a simple job, which kept her occupied. At least, it did for a few hours.
After the hours were up Carol would make her way to Sophia's new school to pick her up and then start all over again the next day. It was an exhausting cycle but she was secretly grateful for it, It was nice having a little bit of control over her life instead of the unexpected surprise of Ed showing up and deciding she deserved to have ass knocked in again. Although she could still settle for the surprise of Daryl appearing on her doorstep, smiling the way he used to and telling her he was finally coming home to her.
But hell, what were the chances of that happening? He'd probably moved on by now she wasn't as special as he had originally made her out to be. Ed had reminded her of that thousands of times in their marriage.
It was raining and Carol had spent the last few hours curled on the end of the couch, book in hand when Sophia sluggishly walked into the house, damp hair stuck to her face; soaked. She walked past the couch not saying one word as she made her way towards the staircase. Carol narrowed her eyes up setting her book on her lap.
"I suppose you weren't a big fan of the rain, huh?"
Droplets fell from Sophia's hair; she shrugged miserably and continued up the steps. Carol sat up sharply and poked her head around the tall staircase.
"Hey wait a minute, come talk to me" she began. "I've hardly seen you today"
Sophia sighed softly and turned herself away from the steps as her hair continued to drip across the ruby rug sitting in front of the couch. Carol patted the small spot on the couch half eagerly but Sophia quickly shook her head.
"Talk to me" she encouraged.
"But I'm wet"
Carol shrugged, half surprised Sophia was actually responding to her without little gestures. She had been dealing with soft groans and gestures to tell Carol she wasn't interested in her positivity. It was kind of relief to get some words out of her, Sophia had been worrying her since they arrived in Savannah.
"It doesn't matter, It's not like it's a new couch is it?" she beamed continuing to pat the little spot on the couch.
Sophia shifted onto the couch hesitantly, her eyes focused on the ground until Carol picked up the cookie jar on the coffee table and handed it to her. Her hands waved them away immediately.
"So, why did you come inside?"
Sophia flashed her an annoyed look, "It was pouring…"
Carol laughed cheerfully and stroked her hands through her hair gently, "It's been pouring for at least an hour and now you decide to come inside"
Sophia breathed softly and folded her damp arms letting the water drip down her stomach. She frowned unimpressed.
"I got bored"
Carol nodded chewing on her bottom lip, "So, did you have a good day at school?"
Sophia turned her eyes to the ground again, "It was okay"
"Did you make any new friends?" Carol asked tilting her body to face her.
"No…" Sophia shook her head continuing to frown. Carol could see her fingers playing nervously with each other so she shifted herself closer to her.
Almost immediately Sophia quickly shook her off nearly sprinting towards the coat rack. She slowly removed her damp coat not looking back at Carol once.
"Sophia talk to me, please it's been months" Carol pleaded desperately. She didn't know what else to do but plead she had already been abandoned once by someone she loved she didn't need it happening again.
"I hate it here…" She muttered finally making Carol slightly surprised, "I hate the kids here too they're stupid…" she paused for a moment and then sighed "I miss Carl"
"I know sweetheart"
Sophia turned her head around cautiously to look at her, a small appreciative smile formed shyly on her face. She hung her coat up carefully and moved to sit down, her knees digging into the ground. She opened her mouth to speak but quickly shut it again looking like she was fighting an urge until she sighed.
"When are we going home to Daryl?"
The smile on Carol's face slowly disappeared and instead turned into a hardened glare, why couldn't she just get over him the way she had? She wasn't even his.
"Sophia it's been four months, please" she breathed smoothing a hand over her face lightly.
Sophia's face suddenly matched Carol's as she folded her arms back over her chest stubbornly.
"So? It doesn't mean we're not going back-"
Carol's hands quickly smacked one of the pillows making Sophia jump slightly,
"We can't go back Sophia, we just can't!" snapped Carol loudly, it had been the first time she had ever really yelled at Sophia. She already got enough of that from her father.
"Because of Daddy?" her face softened into a face Carol would have recognised a little bit better a few months ago. She was scared. Carol nodded gently and went back to biting her lip.
"Because of Daddy…" the words 'Daddy' melted in her mouth sourly. The definition of the word Daddy was a man who raises his child; Ed hadn't even come close to doing that. The only thing he did was raise her to be fearful and obedient of the men around her, the same way Carol had been.
"What about Daryl won't he miss us? Who cares about Daddy" she asked sadly.
Carol held her arms out weakly to Sophia, "Come sit with me please"
Sophia obeyed miserably and dragged her feet across the wooden floor. Although when she got to the couch she did quickly cuddle in close to Carol. Carol stroked her hands softly against Sophia's silky hair.
"Daryl sent us here to keep us safe from your daddy…" she paused for a moment taking a breath "Because he's still out there after…"
"He hurt you?"
Carol nodded; trying to hold Sophia slightly closer but the tenseness of her shoulders warned her to back off. Christ, this girl was beginning to become more of a challenge.
"But when he's been caught that's when things change I promise" she reassured warmly. Sophia glanced up at her, her eyes a lot less hopeful than Carol's.
"And then can we go home please?"
Carol's fingers began playing with the tips of Sophia's hair.
"Daryl might want us stay up here with him, but maybe sweetheart" she breathed hesitantly.
Carol returned her book to her lap and began flipping through the pages as she continued to stroke Sophia's hair. There was a long silence between the two of them, the rain and the wind was moving heavily, and she could hear people yelling next door like they had the other two nights. Perhaps it was Allen and Donna again arguing over the money.
She wished her fights with Ed were only about money.
Sophia broke the silence after a few moments, and Carol shut her book again.
"Do you miss Daryl?"
Carol slipped her book onto the floor, feeling slightly disappointed she couldn't even get passed the next chapter.
"Of course I do, but sometimes in life you have to move on, try not to linger on things so they don't cause too many…problems" As she spoke she could see all of the problems right in front of her or rather reminders of the last four months on her own.
"What kind of problems?"
"Can we please just drop it for now?"
"But-"
Carol shushed her tenderly and began helping Sophia off of the couch.
"Sweetheart go get changed into some warm clothes while I make you some hot coco okay?"
Sophia slowly nodded and hopped off of the couch before having the top of her head kissed for the first time in months, she didn't respond she just smiled politely and quickly paced up the stairs. As soon as Carol heard the door slam shut she felt herself sink back into the couch feeling herself finally relax.
It was all lies
She had missed Daryl more than anything and it had been killing her inside to pretend that she didn't. She'd been lingering, no worse than lingering. She had been getting more and more obsessed with the idea of him coming back. However in the last few months living in Savannah, she'd concealed it the best she could. Trying to stay strong not just for herself but for Sophia, she couldn't break down yet she just couldn't.
Carol sighed slipping her feet into her slippers, strolling smoothly towards the kitchen. She smiled tenderly; it really was beautiful considering the shit hole her old kitchen used to be. Daryl must've put a lot of effort into renovating it. Everything was perfect after all, the fridge didn't stink of old beers and none of the handles on the cabinets were broken from fights.
She poured the powder into each of the cups and waited as the pot began to boil noisily. She leaned against the counter narrowing her eyes over at the table. Sophia's doll was lying there helplessly, she sighed tiredly moving to pick it up, without any warning to herself the doll was clutched to her chest and her head was buried on top of it.
Sophia didn't act like a little girl anymore; she couldn't understand how she had become so different and distant. Maybe it was just the fact that she left everything she knew or that she witnessed what kind of evil people were capable of in this world. She wasn't the same little girl anymore, even if Daryl did come back even if she reunited with Carl, she wouldn't be the same.
She'd seen, witnessed and fell victim to too much shit.
Carol threw her head back miserably and shut her eyes tightly. She tried to protect her from so much shit. She was 12 years old and acted like she was an adult; she didn't want her thinking that's how things had to be.
The shrill scream of the kettle quickly took Carol out of her thoughts; she carefully laid the doll down on the table and moved to grab the two cups.
Sophia came running down the steps after a few moments of stirring the cups, Carol smiled almost immediately after catching sight of her. She was dressed very neatly in a small blue nightie much like the ones she wore when she was little.
Carol laid down the two cups carefully as she tucked herself in behind the table, Sophia grinned at her.
"You made them the same way you did at Christmas…" Her smile quickly faded as she pressed the cup to her lips.
"We had fun didn't we?" asked Carol curving an arm around Sophia.
Sophia nodded happily while taking another large gulp of her coco, her face screwed up as soon as it hit her throat.
"I liked Christmas that year" she half rasped. Carol's eyes widened slightly as she was completely taken back.
"Really?"
Sophia smiled softly.
"Yeah, we got to decorate the tree and drink Coca" she beamed her smile suddenly getting brighter, "And Daryl did my room…" she glanced up at Carol making her stomach squeeze. She thought they were past bringing up Daryl again, she knew she couldn't avoid it but maybe they could put it to rest for a little while longer.
"What did you mean by problems?"
"Loneliness…"
"Why are you lonely?"
Carol forced a smile, "I'm not lonely, it's just something people have to deal with sometimes that's all" Sophia's hand rested on Carol's gently and she squeezed making her glance down at their two linked hands.
"You are lonely…you don't have anyone else"
Carol squeezed back lightly; her smile was beginning to hurt her face.
"I have you"
Sophia shrugged letting Carol's hand go coldly.
"It's not the same"
Carol sighed quietly trying to hold in her pain, she realised how lonely she was from the moment she left Daryl on that train and all her friends. She didn't need reminding of it.
"Do…do you have homework?" Asked Carol now folding her arms, she wasn't going to bother to try to confide with her again.
"Yes but-"
"You should go work on it especially if it'll boost your grades a little bit. I'll call you down for dinner soon"
And with that Sophia nodded silently and jumped off of her seat, she walked straight past her hot chocolate not bothering to pick it up. Once she heard the door shut she sighed tiredly.
She was really getting sick of this shit.
For the rest of the evening they remained in silence, Sophia didn't say goodnight she just sulked up to her bedroom like the last four months. It was obvious Sophia hated her, but who could blame her? She dragged her into all of her mess and took her away from everything she knew. Not to mention she was a horrible person to be around and all of this…
They were struggling.
Carol stumbled onto her bed at around 11 after watching television on her own and brushing her teeth. She stared up at the ceiling wondering if she'd even get to sleep tonight she didn't on most nights. She turned over uncomfortably and ended up staring at a picture of her and Sophia from a few years ago. Daryl must've taken it from their house and brought it here. She sighed again thinking of him.
Sophia was right she was lonely and had been for a long time.
At the beginning of her marriage she had gotten lonelier and lonelier every day until Sophia had been born. After she got older the loneliness returned and she began to get more and more depressed.
But then she met Daryl.
He brought life to her and taught her how to love herself more. But one minute he was here then the next he was gone and her old enemy returned consuming her worse than before.
Carol glanced up at the clock, it read: 11:10 so she wriggled under her blankets and lay on her side staring up at the sky.
Maybe she could act a little reckless to end it again, just stop concealing everything and meet people.
Although this time she wasn't sure if she was willing to find out the end result.
…
Carol awoke the next morning feeling like shit after a full night of tossing and turning in her bed, making her head feel like someone had been hitting it in her sleep. She sleepily rolled out of bed grabbing her cream robe from the wardrobe door and made her way downstairs to see Sophia already fully dressed, as she sat on the couch watching cartoons. Her hair was neatly tied up to Carol's surprise; usually she needed her to sit on the couch as she struggled with her hair.
She cleared her throat loudly after a few moments of silence between them.
Sophia turned her head, at first she seemed like she was going to say something but
Nothing
"You're up kind of early aren't you?"
"I didn't want to bother you" She squeaked
Carol shook her head half smiling,
"You could never bother me…Have you eaten yet?"
Sophia nodded silently, her facial expression made it clear she didn't want to be bothered. But that didn't stop Carol.
"Do you want me to make you lunch?"
Sophia shook her head again without saying a word. She moved her hands to push herself up from the couch and made her way towards the coat rack. Carol's eyes followed her every move slowly.
"What are you doing?" she asked as Sophia proceeded to slip her coat on along with her boots quickly.
"Morgan is taking me and Duane to school"
Carol folded her arms slightly hurt why the hell was she going with Morgan? She was still capable of taking her own daughter to school.
"Don't you want me to drive you? It's no trouble-"
"No. I'm fine"
She opened the door slowly slipping her backpack onto her shoulder not turning to look at her mother once, making Carol's heart begin to ache even more.
"Sophia…"
"See ya"
As soon as the door slammed shut Carol was left standing there weakly, her head continued to nod up and down as if she was still taking in Sophia's answers.
It was frightening how cold and alone Carol suddenly felt inside. She felt as if she had been crying but when she touched her face it was dry. She closed her eyes gently hoping to get at least a little bit of peace for a few moments.
The sound of Cheery music from the television drowned inside her head, all she wanted to do was shut it up. She didn't want to be happy, she didn't want have happy things near her. She just wanted a few moments of calm silence to clear her head.
Just for a little bit
The Music continued loudly and suddenly she couldn't take it anymore, she grabbed the remote control and threw it at the television screen making it fall with a loud crash. Carol's arms forced her to lean on the couch quickly while she took small deep breaths.
She hated this, all of this shit. It pissed her off, the silence, the loneliness, the pretending she's the happiest person on Earth just to keep everyone else happy.
Carol sighed softly allowing herself to sink to the ground, she was doing it again.
Being stupidly selfish
Carol let herself fall onto the floor, the coldness of it calming her slightly. Sometimes she just wished she could open her eyes and everything would be alright.
No fake smiles, no false hope.
Just Order
…
"Carol could you go stack a few books with Axel for me? We just got a few new arrivals" Smiled Karen brightly.
"I'd be happy to" answered Carol quietly as she turned towards the storage room. Why Axel? Couldn't she have said 'on your own' or 'Tyreese?'
She sighed gloomily trying to walk as slowly as she could. She really was in no mood to play games with that little shit. I should be paid extra for this she thought moodily. No, anyone who has to listen to him should be paid extra she half joked to herself.
Axel arrived at their workplace only 3 months ago. He was around the same age as her, moved from Florida and everyone mostly avoided him, especially Carol. When they first met he assumed her and Karen were 'Lovers' as soon as he was proven wrong he decided it would be the right time to ask her on a date.
The only people who really made contact with him were Karen and Tyreese to give him orders.
When she first met him she came to the conclusion he wasn't going to be like some of the men she had encountered previously. He was slightly small in size with longish blonde hair and a curvy neat moustache. He wasn't much of an asshole but he was a pain in her ass.
Carol sighed again pushing the door open miserably, usually she loved going in there to get sneak peeks at the new books but this time she was a lot less enthusiastic.
After almost immediately stepping into the dark room, she bumped into something hard making her squeal slightly. Her hand slapped against the wall turning the lights on to reveal, Axel sitting on the steps of one of the ladders with a half lit cigarette in his mouth.
"What the hell are you doing just sitting in the dark like that?" snapped Carol frustrated.
Axel messily threw his cigarette onto the ground, trying to blow the smell away.
"D-don't tell Karen" he stuttered standing up sharply.
Carol opened her mouth to speak but quickly shut it again; she'd been in the room for barely 30 seconds. She didn't feel like stirring up trouble.
"We need to start stacking, the new books are in" She sighed attempting to lift one of the boxes; they smelt sweetly of new books much to Carol's delight.
"I know" He smirked picking up a half opened box, "I was skimming through them when I was having a smoke"
Carol rolled her eyes, moving one hand to balance the second box of books on top of the first.
"Any good ones?" she muttered. Suddenly a surprising small smile formed on his face.
"Huh you want to know which ones you can chill out with later"
Carol felt a sudden shiver run down her spine, how long had he been watching her? Usually she made sure everyone was busy when she snuck off inside of the storage room.
"I don't know what you're talking about" Carol snapped a little bit too loudly.
Axel stared at her questioningly with one of his thin eyebrows raised up.
"Stop staring at me like that" She glared annoyed, why did Axel have to be such an ass? The most unfair part about it was that he was mainly an ass to her.
Axel rested the books on the ladder steps, sitting on top of them to Carol's displeasure.
"I see you running off to sit in the backroom to read these, I aint the only one sneaking around Karen and Tyreese" he teased staring up at Carol. She glanced down at him unimpressed, but without warning she felt the corners of her mouth begin to curve slightly as she took in his charm. She couldn't help it; despite her not liking to admit it she did think he was kind of attractive in a weird way. Although she wasn't planning on running away with him just yet.
"Sometimes I need to be alone, books are a good escape for me" Carol smiled softly, her hands gently played with the shorts of her hair. She glanced up at him slowly; he was still staring at her, half intensely.
"We should get these books out there…Don't want to keep Karen waiting" She blushed nervously.
After a few quiet moments of Carol anxiously gathering up the boxes and Axel continuing to watch her with a smug look on his face, they made their way out of the storage room back into the open. Which was a huge relief to Carol; at least out here he'd have to be more professional.
She had become so focused on stacking the new books she hadn't even noticed when Axel laid his hand on her shoulder gently.
"Carol"
Carol jumped, almost losing her balance on the ladder. She gasped breathily. What the hell was he doing just grabbing her like that?
"I'm sorry-"
"What do you need escapin' from?"
Carol blinked surprised.
"Excuse me?"
Axel's hand steadied Carol gently back towards the ladder, she hadn't realised she was still falling.
"You said you need escapin'. From what?" he asked
Carol exhaled rolling her eyes and turned back to face the shelf. She didn't have time to play these games.
"I'm not telling you that"
Axel suddenly let out a loud groan and put his share of books back onto the table. Carol kept her back turned away from him; she wasn't going to let him get to her. Not like that.
"It's been 3 months c'mon talk to me" He whined noisily
Carol turned to look at him sharply; she forced her way down the steps of the ladder shoving one of the heavier books straight into Axel's chest making him gasp.
"I'm not playing your games" she hissed with her eyebrows raised. Before Axel could get another word in Carol was already marching towards the next section with both large boxes hugged tightly against her stomach. They were heavy as hell but she didn't care, as long as she could get away from him.
A few seconds later Axel came stumbling after her with half of the books pouring out of his boxes. He didn't seem to mind though; all he seemed focused on was catching up to her.
"C'mon please let me at least get to know ya a little bit" he pleaded helplessly.
Carol shut her eyes weakly, passing her hand through her hair gently. Why couldn't he just drop it? She was a lot happier when she was alone.
"Why?"
Axel blinked dumfounded which confused Carol; it wasn't that hard of a question after all.
"What do ya mean by that?"
Carol's eyes snapped open almost immediately. Her hands gripped her hips sharply as she gave him a hard stare.
"Why are you interested in me?" She growled suddenly feeling a wave of power flow over her. Usually she was used to men overpowering her, not the other way around.
Axel lowered his head shyly and his hands tucked into his pockets. Now she was beginning to feel bad, she was being more of an asshole to him.
"I…I think you're a fine lady that's all"
Carol froze slightly as the words fine lady moved about her mind darkly.
'Why would you want to take someone like me to dinner?'
'It's like thanks for savin' my ass and cause you're a fine lady'
Carol pressed her lips together slowly and swallowed dryly without giving a response. A few moments of awkward silence passed so she turned around to continue stacking books. There wasn't anything else she could think of to say, after freezing like she'd just seen a ghost. The books trembled in her hands despite her attempts to keep them still.
Axel's breath made her shiver. She'd forgotten he had been standing behind her waiting for a response.
"Forget it"
With that small murmur he sulked back into the storage room.
She could tell she'd hurt him.
Carol thought about turning around and apologising but what good would that do? Axel would just accept it and continue asking questions which didn't need to be asked. She was so sick of the fact that she couldn't let go of him properly.
Trying to let go of someone you love is like trying to get off of an addictive drug, it's a long, hard and painful process which can leave you damaged if you don't do it right. Some days she'd go to bed after a horrible day and think
'I'm gonna make a change!'
But as soon as she woke up the next day she'd go back to her usual uninspired self, thinking the problem would just go away. But it never did and she was tired of it.
Carol glanced back over at the storage room. Another giant wave of guilt passed over her and she sighed sliding the last book into the shelf. God dammit she thought frustrated.
Axel was hunched over another pile of books when Carol cautiously pushed the door open. She nudged him gently with her foot.
"Do you need a hand with that?"
He raised his eyebrows
"You gonna talk to me?"
Carol shrugged; she moved her hands to scoop up the next pile books. She really wasn't ready to fight her way out of another conversation.
"Didn't anyone ever teach you it's rude to asking about people's personal life?" Said Carol giving Axel an exhausted stare. Axel shrugged while raising his eyebrows and pulled a cigarette out from his top pocket. He balanced it in the corner of his mouth.
"What did ya do to get here then?" he asked, "Did ya rob somebody?"
Carol glared at him; she let the pile of books fall to the ground with a thud and put her hands securely on her hips.
"Haven't you got anything better to do than to irritate me?" she growled. Carol changed her mind she didn't like him that much after all. Axel stared up at her; his hands began playing with his hair.
"Why did ya come in here if you didn't want to talk?" he asked tiredly. Carol shook her head frustrated; her hands snapped forward and pulled out Axel's cigarette right from his mouth. A tiny bit of his saliva stuck to her fingers but she didn't care.
"To work" she hissed.
Axel stared at her with eyes slightly widened; he actually looked a little bit turned on. Carol rolled her eyes and threw the wet cigarette into the bin.
"Isn't that why you're here?" she asked trying to break the awkward silence. Axel shook his head; he leaned into one of the ladders behind him and let his share of the books fall messily to the ground. Carol frowned unimpressed.
"Nah, I jus' need to earn a little money to get a better place" he sighed. Carol nodded understandingly letting her hands drop from her hips.
"Do you live in an apartment?" She asked.
"Just a crappy little one" he sighed deeply "I used to live with my brother until he got arrested" His lips tightened. Carol could see the little twitch in the corner of his mouth as he began to open and close it trying to figure out what to say next.
"What did he do?" She sat down on the ground, staring up at him.
He laughed breathily.
"Robbing a fuckin' liquor store" he scratched his neck "He owed a lot of money to a bunch of sleazy guys. Thought he wouldn't get caught" he sighed smiling slightly "Fuckin' idiot" he paused for a moment "Once he ended up in the slammer we…well I lost the house and I had to find my own place"
His slowly reached towards his mouth and he began biting his nails nervously. Carol continued to stare even though he had stopped speaking, it was the first time Axel sounded…ordinary not trying to impress her or annoy the shit out of her just...normal.
Axel must've noticed her staring because the next thing he did was grin quickly, as if a light had suddenly switched itself on in her head. He laughed suddenly amused at something.
Carol furrowed her brow.
"What are you smiling about?"
He flashed a bright smile and moved closer to sit with her, "I just told you something personal" the excitement in his eyes were both amazing and uneasy. What the hell was he getting at?
"And?"
"Now you have to tell me something personal about you. It's only fair"
Carol threw her head back painfully. Not even Sophia played the 'Fair or not fair game'
"Can we not have this conversation please?" she groaned tiredly.
Axel threw her a sad look in hope of getting an answer but she remained silent. Axel sighed moodily.
"C'mon Carol please…"
Carol groaned while turning her head to look at him. Her lips thinned tightly as she stared, why the hell did he want to know so fucking badly? It wasn't like she was that interesting. She sighed softly and threw her hands into her lap while slouching up against the wall smoothly.
"So what do you want to know?"
He shrugged slightly, "I dunno not much…"
Not much? This fucking man.
Carol threw him a hard look as if to ask "Are you fucking Serious?" But he remained oblivious continuing to stare while waiting for an answer. Carol really did miss Daryl at least he got the point quickly.
"You've been asking me for months and now you don't want to know much?" she growled through gritted teeth. Axel was beginning to get on her last damn nerve again, maybe it was a mistake coming back and trying to talk to him.
Axel had a slight look of fear on his face; he swallowed nervously this time trying not to make eye contact with her. He knew he'd pissed her off.
"Uh, I don't know…What brings you to Savannah? Did you live here all the time or move?" Carol blinked sweetly and moved her finger asking him to come forward. He leaned over her slowly and she simply whispered silkily:
"I killed someone for asking too many questions"
Axel pulled away quickly, his eyes widened in shock. God, the fear in his eyes! She'd never get that image out of her head. Carol giggled quietly half proud of her joke, it was nice being able to joke around with people. He threw her a hurt look, his hand rubbing his shoulder shyly.
"I'm serious" he muttered looking suddenly like a lost puppy.
Carol tilted her head back and sighed with sympathy.
"Fine" she paused for a moment taking a breath "I moved here to get away from…people" She was already regretting this with each word. Axel nodded understandingly; he stared at her for a few moments as his mouth twitched from side to side. He was trying to think of another question.
"Were they good people or bad people?"
Carol let out a surprisingly nervous laugh, "A bit of both I suppose"
"Was it like an ex-boyfriend or did you owe money or something?"
Carol took a small deep breath and shook her head slowly, "I left somebody I loved behind along with some bad people" she paused "They were bastards actually" she muttered tenderly.
Carol rubbed her eyes delicately and out of nowhere she suddenly felt Axel's calming hand on her shoulder. He slowly slouched against the wall to match her pose.
"What was his name?"
Carol's heart suddenly began to thud against her ribcage.
"It doesn't matter" She hissed in almost a whisper. Axel changed positions so that he was now facing her completely.
"You're making this up" Axel said and Carol hit her head against the wall in frustration, "You're making this up aren't you?"
"I just don't want to talk about him" Carol growled with her head against the cold wall. Axel didn't stop he continued trying to change positions so he could get a good look of her face which irritated the shit out of her.
"Hey, when people can't look at you while speaking it usually means they're lying at least that's what my old girlfriend told me" he took a breath "If he's made up jus' tell me-"
"His name was Daryl!" Carol snapped sharply. Axel quietened immediately watching as Carol leaned against the wall breathing heavily, she still wasn't facing him. Her hands were both pressed hard against the wall as she rested her head on it.
"Carol-" Axel squeaked but he quickly shut up again when Carol's eyes glared at him furiously. She pushed herself away from the wall and leaned against him furiously.
"Now can we please drop it?" She tried to make her voice sharp again but this time it came out in a weak cry, she could feel herself holding back tears. "We don't need to talk about him anymore you know enough"
Axel nodded dumbly while clearing his voice nervously.
"I'm s-sorry okay? Just did he…die or something?" he asked and Carol narrowed her eyes up darkly at him.
She sighed softly.
"Don't you know what drop it means?" Carol groaned, she had already begun scooping up books from the ground again. If they didn't bring them outside Karen would definitely come in to investigate.
Axel played nervously with his hands; she could tell she really had scared the shit out him.
"Yes…I'm sorry for intruding I just wanted to know if I could help you or-"
"He's not dead" Carol bit out "At least I hope he's not…I just haven't seen him for a while"
Axel's reassuring hand rose to rest on Carol's shoulder but another hard glare forced him to shove it back into his pocket nervously. He nodded understandingly.
"Do you miss him?"
She sighed noiselessly, "Sometimes you have to move on-"
"Do you miss him?" he repeated sternly. There was no shaking him off this time.
"Yes…a lot actually" Carol's insides felt cold and she felt as if her heart was going to rip through her chest. This was killing her inside. Axel moved to crouch in front of her as she continued to gather the books which were obviously too many for her to handle.
"Do you think you'll see him again?"
"I don't know I hope I do but…" she shook her head "…I just don't know"
Before Axel could even open his mouth to speak again Carol was already on her feet with the books piling right up to her chin. She stumbled towards the door trying to ignore Axel as much as she could until she felt his hand grip her shoulder again, she flinched slightly.
"Carol I-"
Her hand played with the door handle and she pulled it open.
"Now you know a little more about me, happy?" she said coldly.
Carol didn't wait for Axel to respond.
Later that night Carol drank an extra glass of wine before bed. When she got to her bedroom she searched through her closet to pull out a small neat box which looked like it hadn't been touched since it had been put in there. She pulled out a small crumpled picture and stared at it sadly.
It was one of the pictures from that one weekend in Savannah.
She smoothed out the photo delicately; it was a photo of Daryl sitting on his bike outside of his house. She remembered when they were screwing around with his camera before they decided to leave. She had found it along with another one of her, lying on her bed. She guessed that he must've left them there while he was doing a little bit of work on the house.
Carol climbed back into her bed with the photo held tightly in her hands, as she lay on her back she continued to stare. Carol paid attention to all of his features; his prickly stubble, his longish brown hair flopping on his head, the happiness in his eyes and his smile God his smile she missed it so much.
Tears slowly began to roll down her face
She missed him.
She wanted his warm arms to wrap around her one more time to reassure her everything was going to be okay. She was so scared and so tired of pretending to be brave.
She just wanted him back.
"I really fucking miss you…" her voice cracked as she broke down into tears. "I need you" she whispered clutching the photo tightly against her chest. Carol forced her eyes shut, moving to turn to her side.
Daryl sat on the edge of her bed, the way he used to after spending the night with her. He smiled shyly. God, there it was the smile he only used for her. Without warning her bare arms were all over him holding him close to her body, she was afraid of letting him go.
"I missed you so much" her words were muffled into his jacket, but he seemed to be able to understand her perfectly.
"I missed you too" he muttered. His fingers traced along her back delicately, and suddenly he was kissing her. She missed kissing him more than anything, the softness of his lips against hers, his comforting scent against her. She missed it all. "I'm sorry" he sighed.
Carol quickly pulled away, she realised she was crying.
"You're not really here are you?"
Daryl shook his head, "No"
"I'm going to wake up soon aren't I?" the words came out in almost a whisper; they were too painful to come out normally. Daryl nodded slowly; he covered Carol's hand with his own and tangled their fingers together. Her breath began to quicken, she was losing control. The same way she often lost control when it seemed like the hell she was living through was never going to end.
"I need you so…so badly Daryl y-you don't understand" Her words came out messily as she began to sob again. Daryl's thumb trailed over her cheek, he wiped the tear away smoothing her hair in the process.
He stretched his arms above his head bringing Carol's up with his and pressed his lips against her forehead.
"I'll be home soon, you'll see" his voice swept over her as the wind outside the window began to whistle. Before she knew it there was nothing to hold her anymore. She searched around the room to find Daryl had disappeared without a trace of him left behind.
Carol opened her mouth, but her words only came out weakly. "I love you…"
Carol woke up shaking. She sat up quickly holding herself tightly while burying her head into her knees until she felt something fall from her face. She glanced down on the sheets to see the photo of Daryl lying on the bed covered in tears, enough to indicate she must've been crying all the way through her sleep. Carol swallowed dryly and moved to wipe all her tears away with the back of her hand. She could still feel his gentle words going through her, his soft kisses and his strong arms taking her away from the weight of the world.
Suddenly as she began to balance herself she noticed the silence, the long uncomfortable silence which made her hold herself even tighter. Her eyes flickered shut and she let the photo of Daryl float to the ground as she rolled over again, turning her back to it.
The long silence was beginning to get to her, as she remembered him disappearing.
She wanted to whisper the words "Come home" But what was the point?
Who was going to hear her anyway?
Carol turned over again, her shoulder shivered slightly as her skin touched the damp spot on her pillow. She sighed.
This needed to stop.
…
The next few weeks at work were more peaceful. Whenever Karen or Tyreese sent Carol and Axel to bring in new copies or stack books he hardly said a word. Maybe a quick "What time is our lunch today" or "Do you have a lighter?" from time to time but he never brought up Daryl again. Which Carol guessed was because he was afraid of what she'd say or do if he decided to bring him up. She was slightly grateful for it but the days seemed much longer and much quieter without him bugging her every 5 minutes.
She sort of missed it in a strange way.
Axel did as much as he could to stay out of her way, unless he was forced to work with her. When Carol needed to go into the storage room and he was smoking in there, almost as soon as the door opened Axel would be out of there with a bundle of books in his arms as he cigarette dangled from the corner of his mouth.
She felt alienated.
It was the end of Carol's shift. The bookstore was already empty and the smell of one of Axel's dirty cigarettes seeped through the storage room door, she could tell Karen and Tyreese had already left. Carol pulled on her jacket and made her way towards the storage room. She was getting sick of Axel avoiding her all the time and it was time to settle things.
She knocked on the storage door lightly. Axel pushed the door open slowly at first with a bright smile on his face but it quickly faded at the sight of her. He began to clumsily stand up when Carol's arm stretched across the exit; she gave him a sincere look.
"I know you're avoiding me"
Axel swallowed dryly, his head turned in the other direction to avoid her stare.
"I don't know what you're talkin' about" his hands played with the pile of books on the floor "I'm just tryin' to get some work done"
Carol raised an eyebrow; she moved her hands onto her hips.
"So that's why you smell of cigarettes?"
He frowned and turned away from her, hurt. Carol sighed while covering her face with her hands. She'd done it again.
"Look, I'm sorry I didn't mean to come off as…cold or rude. It's just when you mentioned-"
"Daryl?" Axel's attention was focused on her again. Her heart skipped a beat and she swallowed while nodding.
Keep it together
Axel rubbed his neck nervously, "Shit I'm sorry for mentioning him..." he paused "…Again… I'm a bit of an idiot sometimes" he flashed a warm smile, which she returned abruptly.
"It's fine, it's only a name I…I shouldn't be afraid of hearing it" she sighed tiredly. Axel nodded smiling softly. Carol returned the smile but she quickly turned around to look at the clock on the wall, she was beginning to lose track. Suddenly she felt a warm hand grip her shoulder.
"Wait" he hesitated "S-since we're talkin' again you mind uh…" he quickly paused to lean over a table and began scribbling onto a piece of paper. He slipped it into Carol's hand and folded her fingers back into a fist. "It's my number I aint so good with words" he played with the curve of his moustache nervously while watching Carol's blank expression, "I-I just want to get to know ya better, ya know? I'll leave Daryl right out of the picture I promise!"
Carol bowed her head; she shut her eyes and clasped her fingers around the paper. She couldn't date anyone, not until she was sure she'd never see Daryl again. As long as she knew there was a possibility of seeing him again he'd always be in the picture.
"I-I'm sorry" her voice shook "I just can't right now, there just hasn't been enough time" Carol's fingers joined with Axel's as she attempted to slip the number back into his now sweaty palm. But he pushed it back insisting she take it.
"Keep it, in case you change ya mind"
"Axel…"
"Okay, Okay not if you change ya mind just…If you need to talk"
Carol opened her mouth to protest but she quickly changed her mind, she just slipped the number into her back pocket and forced a painful smile. If this was going to make him happy, she might as well do it.
"You're a mysterious one you know" he called
Carol pulled the entrance door open, "Sometimes it's better to be the mysterious one" she purred before stepping out of the store. As she began walking she could hear Axel saying something to her but she continued to walk she didn't have the time to stop and talk especially in this weather.
God it was freezing! They had promised that it would heat up by now. She really couldn't trust anyone with anything anymore, not even the damn weather.
Carol was halfway down the street when she began to subconsciously tease Axel's number in her pocket. She paused for a moment; maybe she could go back and give it to him? What would she even call him for? It wasn't like he could really help her could he?
She was being ridiculous
Just as Carol was about to turn to continue walking she noticed a fairly small group of men hanging around lying on the grass, they were drinking bottles of beer and grimily reminded Carol of Ed and his friends on a 'good' day. They all suddenly stared at her and muttered to each other, she could feel her body begin to shake with fear. She didn't like this at all.
Just breathe
One of the men stood up with a bright smile on his face and he slowly attempted to approach her.
Maybe she could go around a different corner to avoid them; Carol turned away quickly and paced across the street as fast as she could. The streets were dark and only the lights above shone right down her, she felt as if this was only the beginning of a horrible show. God, she really needed Daryl right now. If only he could just swoop in on his motorcycle and carry her in his arms muttering gravelly that 'it would be okay'. She sighed
If only
Maybe she was just being paranoid, maybe they weren't like Ed and his friends. Surrounding her and getting their hands on whatever they can grab.
Tap
Tap
Tap
Oh God, she could hear their footsteps behind her. Slowly working their way up to suddenly surprise her. She tilted her head back slightly to glance only to see the group of men following her, one of the men in the front of the group had a sly grin on his face.
Her heart thudded against her chest, each thud made her feel as if she was going to collapse. Carol could now feel Axel's number getting soaked from her sweaty palms.
It's gonna be alright
"Hey, pretty lady!" Carol froze "Why don't you hang out with us for a little bit?"
Run
Carol didn't exactly know when she had started running; she only knew that she couldn't stop, not for anything. The shouts grew loudly as well as the footsteps slapping against the ground and she sprinted even faster not even caring when she felt a sharp pain in her ankle. Nothing was going to stop her from running.
"Get the fuck back here!" screamed another voice
Carol continued to sprint down the street, her breaths quickening until she suddenly froze and her heart dropped. It was a dead end. A fucking dead end. There was nothing else but an quiet street, when she looked up she noticed all of the windows were shut.
Nobody is going to help me
The shouts were beginning to get closer.
Carol searched the area for a few moments only to find a metal rod that looked like it had been thrown away, lying on top of one of the garbage cans.
It was the only thing she could use to defend herself.
Her hands speedily scrambled to grab it and she stood her ground. If they were going to turn that corner and try to fuck with her, she was going to make sure she put up a fight.
No more hiding and no more being afraid. It was time to toughen up.
One of the men turned the corner first; he had the same grin on his face as he did when he first spotted Carol on the street. Asshole Carol thought furiously.
"You're a feisty one" he smiled as he approached her; his hand cupped her face gently. Before he could even get another word out Carol was swinging the metal rod across his face. Letting him know who was in control here, not him.
Her
"Go to hell" she growled through her teeth.
Suddenly the man's fist grabbed her wrist making her squeal in pain, the bones in Carol's wrist felt like they were about to break he was squeezing so hard.
"Hit me like that again, I dare you" his blood splattered onto Carol's shirt as he spoke. "You think you're big, your problem is you never been disciplined by a man huh?" he squeezed tighter.
Tears began running down Carol's face but she kept a hard glare, he wasn't going to overpower her.
"Hey" called one of the men and suddenly it was followed by scattered shouts "Shit fuck just put it down man"
Carol peaked over the man's shoulder to only see Axel standing at the opening of the alley with a gun in his hand; he was aiming it right at them. The man holding Carol turned around sharply, he quickly let Carol go and made his way over to him.
What the fuck is he doing? Axel wasn't only stranger than anyone she had met, he was insane. No not insane.
Reckless. He was a reckless idiot that was about to get himself killed.
She stared with wide-eyes; he kept a stern face and continued to aim the gun. Where had he even gotten a gun anyway? And why was he here?
"S-step away from the lady or I won't hesitate to use this" his voice shook slightly. Oh God this was it he really was going to die right here right now.
The men exchanged worried looks and to Carol's surprise they ran without a moment's hesitation. As soon as the alley way was cleared she felt herself running faster and faster until she had latched herself onto Axel.
"What the hell are you doing here?" she asked weakly
Axel removed himself from Carol carefully; he pulled a backpack from his shoulder and handed it to her.
"You forgot your stuff; I was not far behind when I saw those assholes following you. So I followed them damn near ran when I saw them yelling that shit at you"
Carol took the bag from him and rested on her shoulder, she flashed an appreciative smile until she glanced down at the gun.
"Where did you get the gun?" Axel's face suddenly changed into a new shade of scarlet, he brushed his hands through his hair embarrassed and slowly slipped the gun into her hand.
"It aint real, It's plastic see?" he pointed to the toy company label, "I just keep it with me to scare off intruders" Carol shook her head angrily she was so close to slapping him but instead she pulled him into another strong hug.
"You idiot" she whispered
She could feel Axel chuckling against her shoulder as his fingers played with her hair gently, he carefully let her go again and slipped his hand into to hers, even though she was hesitant.
"Let's get you home"
…
They had driven home through the darkness; by the time they had reached Carol's home she was no longer in a speaking mood. The events of the night had been a wakeup call, those months away from Ed had made her forget what people do, what he used to do…The feeling of security she was only just getting used to quickly faded away like it was never there.
Carol jumped when she felt Axel's cold hand touch hers, she hadn't realised how deep in thought she was.
"You've been quiet a really long time, you okay?"
"I'm fine I promise" Carol undid her seat belt and pushed the door open "I can take it from here"
"You sure? I can walk you in if you like"
Carol glanced back at the house and turned to look at Axel, she smiled softly while shaking her head.
"I'm sure" she paused "Thank you by the way"
"It's nothin' just be safe okay?" he climbed back inside of his car, before he shut the door he poked his head out of the window, "And call me if you need someone to talk to I mean it" he grinned brightly.
"I will" she turned the key in her door "See you tomorrow Axel"
Axel didn't respond, he just smiled back at her shutting the door. As soon as Carol turned herself away from the car she could hear the tires screeching slightly as it sped down the street. She shook her head amused.
Idiot she thought
Carol pushed the door open and without warning felt a force grab onto her waist through the darkness, she yelped loudly quickly switching the light on to see Sophia's head pressed against her chest. She was shaking and her face was damp, Carol wrapped her arms around her holding her head against her.
"I'm sorry Sophia" Carol hissed calmly.
Sophia didn't speak to her for the rest of the evening, although Carol did notice every time a door in another room shut Sophia quickly popped her head around the corner to make sure she was still in the house. Which made her feel even guiltier about being late home.
After about an hour of waiting and checking Sophia was fast asleep, Carol crept back into her bedroom and pulled out a small bottle of wine she had hidden in her closet.
Carol threw her silky night gown on; she tossed herself onto her bed and pulled out the photograph which had been folded and unfolded a million times, from under her pillow. She stared at it mesmerized, her fingers delicately smoothening out the wrinkles and creases. She gazed at Daryl's smile, the only smile she ever really saw come out of him, the smile he used for her. It was a small smile which showed barely any teeth. Next her eyes were suddenly locked on his and she felt a small buzz of random happiness go through her, his eyes looked sweet, blue and calm.
It was her favourite picture of him; it captured so much about him in such a small moment. She remembered his excitement when the picture was taken because they were coming to this place, this damn place.
Her thumb brushed over his smile slowly, she let herself fall back onto her bed letting half the glass of wine wobble slightly. She rolled over with the picture clutched against her chest and stared at the navy sky, there were a few small stars lighting it up. It was just like the night, the night Daryl made it clear he wanted to stay with her forever.
Oh how had things changed in the space of eight months.
Her eyes began to feel heavier the longer she stared at the sky and finally she let herself drift off to sleep.
Carol awoke a few hours later gasping, eyes wet and she quickly wiped them away with the sleeve of her night gown. She leaned forward and covered her face with her knees trying to forget. She took a few small breaths even though they didn't help at all. It had been one of the first nightmares she had had in months. Her heart raced against her chest so she held it tightly in hope of slowing it down, but nothing.
It was just a dream…A damn dream
At first the dream had started off like a fairy tale, her and Daryl in the most romantic setting not being able to keep their hands off each other and suddenly it took a turn for the worst. Almost every touch between them caused pain for Caro, bruises, cuts and random drops of blood but the one thing that Carol couldn't get out of her head was… Daryl seemed to be enjoying it…
Carol looked over on the sheet, the photo of Daryl with still smiling up at her. Without a moment's hesitation she quickly pushed it off of the bed with a pillow letting them both fall to the ground. She didn't bother to go back to pick up the pillow, she simply just turned on her side and continued to watch the night sky.
…
Carol hardly slept for the rest of the night, she spent her time tossing and turning or trying her hardest not to scream out loud while burying her face into her sheets. The next morning she was a zombie, she shuffled around the house in her slippers occasionally glancing at the clock every now and then. Although she didn't care whether if she was late or not.
Once she threw herself onto the couch exhausted, time suddenly went by faster than she realised.
One minute she opened her eyes it was 8:01
The next minute, which had only felt like a second it was 9:22
Carol turned her head to look at the blank television screen, maybe she could call in sick she already felt like hell.
Before Carol could even think of another option, the harsh scream of the phone rang through the house. She groaned loudly letting her head flop backwards slightly.
It must be Axel or Karen She thought miserably.
She pressed the phone against her ear groggily
"Hello…" she slurred tiredly
"Carol?" Carol suddenly felt her eyes begin to well up, it had been so long.
"Lori?"
She could hear Lori moving the phone, probably to sit down with it.
"Oh thank God!" she said in a shocked whisper, "You're okay I haven't spoken to you for months!" the excitement rose in her voice. Carol slid down the wall with the phone pressed against her ear.
"It has been a long time" the corners of her mouth were forcing themselves to curve. It had been too long. It was so refreshing hearing Lori's voice again; it was like she was home.
There was a long pause between them and then she heard Lori sigh into the phone.
"I've got something to tell you"
"What is it?"
Lori took another deep breath
"H-Have you seen any newspapers or television lately?" she asked shakily, something wasn't right. Carol's hand clutched the phone delicately,
"No, I've been asleep what happened?"
"O-okay" Her voice was really beginning to shake now; this wasn't like Lori something bad must've happened. Why else would she be calling her?
"Lori you're…You're scaring me what happened is it Rick or Daryl?"
Lori sighed again and the sound of the phone moving returned noisily.
"No" she began hesitantly "Well…"
Carol was suddenly impatient, "Lori!" she snapped louder than she had planned.
"Last night…" Lori let out a nervous laugh "…They found him…They found Ed"
There was another long silence between them, Carol wasn't sure she'd be able to get any words out her hand was securely over her mouth while her stomach was squeezing so tight she was having trouble breathing. There was no way, there was just no way.
"Are you joking Lori?" she squeaked in a hushed tone, the tears were falling now.
"No, they really got him" Lori sounded like she was on the verge of crying too "Rick's at the station with Ed, although I've spoken to him. He should get at least 8 months possibly more"
Carol let out a breath; she sat against the wall with her hand clutching the phone tightly. Now the tears wouldn't stop.
"I can't believe it" she cried. Carol just wanted to reach through the phone and hold Lori close, that's what she usually did when she was in tears after one of Ed's evil acts, although she never really told her why she was in tears or where the fresh bruises had come from.
All those awful years of hating him and hating herself were over he was going to be locked up and she could be free to be who she wanted. She could finally stop being afraid.
"Where did they find him?" she sniffed now trying to control her crying.
Lori remained silent.
"Is there something wrong?"
There was a deep sigh of regret on the phone; she could hear Lori moving it again. She must've rested it on her lap for a moment.
"Ed was…he was in your home…your old home and um" she hesitated so Carol began nervously playing with the cord. She breathed, "Daryl found him"
"Daryl?" Oh God, he was dead wasn't he? That was the next thing she was going to say, everything suddenly burned inside. "What did Ed do to him? Lori please tell me!" she wept shakily.
"Not…Not a lot of damage but…"
"Lori please"
"To be fair" there was a small smile in her voice "I think Daryl did more damage to him"
"What happened to him?" The anxiety in her stomach was beginning to build up, what did he do?
"He's at the police station, he's been arrested for assault but Rick says he should be able to get him out of it. He should be out later" she swallowed, Carol could hear the nervousness still in her voice. There was more. She nodded stupidly
"Is there any way I can talk to him?" she breathed calmly. "Now that Ed's been found we can go home can't we?" there was a slight light of hope in Carol's voice which was quickly broken by Lori's simple no.
"I just don't think that's a good idea considering…"
"Considering what?" the hope in Carol's voice was replaced with anger and fear mixed together. When she glanced down she hadn't realised her nails had been digging into the phone cord for the last few minutes. She moved them away and rested them in her lap.
"…Daryl's mental state…"
"H-His mental state?" there was a break in Carol's voice and her face screwed up in sadness once again.
"He's been in a really dark place since you left. He spent months tracking Ed down he's barely eaten, slept and his drinking…his drinking has been getting worse"
Her skin was itchy she felt like she didn't belong in it, everything felt hot despite the cold wind blowing through the house.
"I just need to talk to him…so I can help him"
"Look Carol…" she breathed deeply "Just give it some time and give him some time too it might be a while before he's okay again. Rick and I just want to keep you safe…Both of you"
Carol nodded at her forgetting it was still a phone call "Okay I understand…" she itched at her skin nervously "I-Is he okay though?"
"Aside from his minor injuries he's fine, I uh I have to go now but I promise we'll speak soon okay?" The line went dead and Carol was left lying against the wall with the phone still pressed against her ear. Her hands were shaking, she wasn't sure if it was anger or fear.
Carol dropped the phone to the ground and pressed her shaking hands into her head, she felt like she was going to be sick.
Jesus Christ she thought weakly
It was so typically Daryl to go down this path. Everything goes to shit, so he doesn't stop to think about himself for one minute. He just thinks about everyone around him and puts himself in danger.
She smacked her fist against the wall angrily. The tears dripped from her eyes down to her night gown and she stood up slowly.
She couldn't spend all day by the wall.
Carol fell back against the tiles letting the cool water run through her hair and down her back; it was a slight relief although it didn't pull her away from the thought of Daryl hurting himself.
Drinking
He had told her so many stories from his childhood of when his father got drunk regularly and ruined their lives; did he really want to go in the same direction?
Maybe the drinking wouldn't be enough and it would just continue to get worse and worse. Carol shut her eyes tightly bowing her head, the freezing water splashed on the back of her neck.
All she wanted to do was scream until the nightmare was over. He had made her promise him thousands of times to stay safe for him, why the fuck couldn't he take his own advice for once?
Without any warning Carol stepped out of the shower, she grabbed a towel from the rack and began ruffling her hair with it. Maybe she should try to go into work; maybe getting lost in a good book would get her mind off of things just for a little while.
The sound of the phone suddenly screamed through the house, she threw her robe on and sprinted into her room grabbing the other phone. Her fingers secured around the phone almost desperately.
"Lori?" she peeped weaker than he had expected.
"Lori? Who's Lori?" Carol let out a small sigh of relief.
It was Axel
She wiped the wet hair off of her forehead, a small grin forming on her face.
"I'm sorry I was expecting a call-"
"Where are ya? Are you okay?" he interrupted frantically. The panic in his voice made Carol guess he must've been up for ages waiting for her to call.
"I'm fine Axel I just had a bad night's sleep"
There was a small sigh of relief from the other end of the phone.
"Okay good, um are you okay to come into work today? I talked to Karen she said it's fine if you stay home if you need to" He said in a hushed tone.
Must be around customers she thought shaking her head. She brushed her hair back with her fingers and cupped the phone delicately.
"I told you I'm fine I'll see you soon okay?" she breathed
"Okay g-good"
Carol pulled the phone away from her ear and glanced down at it, she had a small satisfied smirk on her face. "Why's it good?"
"N-No big reason I'd just…uh I'd miss your company" there was a short pause "And I don't know how to do shit without ya guiding me" he said, she could feel his smile against the phone. It matched hers. She looked up at the ceiling with a smile still planted on her face as she continued to shake it.
"I'll see you soon Axel"
Carol hung the phone up and set it on the floor beside the bed. She could still feel herself grinning and blushing like an idiot. It was funny nobody had made her stupidly blush like this since…
Her smile disappeared as she remembered Him.
She shook her head and stripped herself of her robe letting it fall neatly to the ground. She wasn't going to let herself get attached not again.
He had to call soon didn't he?
…
Axel was waiting outside of the Bookstore with two freshly made cups of coffee when Carol arrived; as soon as he caught sight of her his expressionless face formed a bright smile to greet her, while his eyes lit up almost immediately. Before Carol could even open her mouth to speak his arms were already open wide to hug her.
"Morning!" he beamed "How are you?"
Carol jumped at the excitement in his voice and quickly bobbed her head up and down to indicate she was fine. He handed her the cup of coffee and glanced at her sideways with an eyebrow raised.
"Why are you so jumpy? Are you sure you're okay?" his hand now had a soft grip on her shoulder as he tried to meet her gaze. She bit the inside of her lip and nodded again.
"I don't know what you're talking about I'm not jumpy" she forced a white smile and took a sip of her coffee. He kept his stare not moving to walk with Carol who was already halfway through the shop.
"You look kind of rough you can sleep in the storage room if ya want, there's a lot of new books!" he called now running up to follow her. Carol shook her head and lifted up her cup of coffee.
"This should help" She took another sip before setting it down, she picked up one of the boxes of books sitting in the corner and opened it. She wasn't aware Axel had been watching her the last few minutes until she glanced back to see him staring at her with a warm smile; she returned it shyly and turned to continue stacking books.
"Hey uh do you need any company tonight? I could come over and make sure you're okay" She closed her eyes; she could see where he was going with his.
At first Carol opened her mouth to reject him but then a thought came to her mind. She really did need to stop closing people out, if the outcome did turn out to be bad when Lori was supposed to call her later she couldn't be alone. She'd already learned that the hard way.
She turned to look at him biting her lip and nodded.
"Sure" She grinned and then immediately had to stop herself from laughing out loud. Axel's facial expression was priceless! He seemed surprised she had said yes, in fact she was even surprised she had said yes.
"W-what time should I pick you up?" he stammered nervously.
"Maybe around seven?"
Axel's face lit up even brighter than earlier, she had never seen him look so happy.
"A-Alright I'll see you later"
"See you then" she beamed one last time before turning away with another pile of books in her hands.
She was going to see him later, just the two of them alone in her house spending time together. She could feel the blush creeping up on her again, it had been the first time she had really felt excited in months.
…
Carol brushed the last few strands of her hair into place after spending the last 5 minutes changing into something which didn't look bland, which was a navy blue blouse and a pair of trousers she had bought a few weeks ago but never bothered to wear. She still had that constant feeling she was going to get in trouble for wearing it even though he was no longer there.
She grinned at her reflection in the mirror; she couldn't help herself it had been a while since she had bothered to make herself up. Why was she making herself up? Axel had told her he was just making sure she was okay; it wasn't exactly a romantic night in.
Was it?
The sound of knocking echoed through the empty house and Carol hurried down the stairs, her slippers nearly falling off as she ran. She quickly picked up a few loose objects on the ground, throwing them behind the curtain hoping he wouldn't decide to have a look around there.
Axel stood in the doorway grinning, he stepped forward into Carol's home and coolly leaned against the shelf staring at her.
"Why are you staring at me?"
He shut the door behind him, "Because you look beautiful"
Carol opened her mouth trying to find the correct response but couldn't, she just smiled politely at him and stood next to him gazing around the room like it had been the first time she'd ever seen it.
"You've got one hell of a house, did you decorate it yourself?" he asked
She shook her head "No it was…a friend" she swallowed dryly.
Axel nodded and walked past her glancing around more of Carol's home. He smiled approvingly. He moved over to the couch and gave Carol a look to ask if it was okay to sit down, she nodded silently and he fell to the couch still looking around the house. Carol watched his every move.
He stared at the book shelf and chuckled quietly.
"What is it?" she asked folding her arms
"That" he pointed to the bookshelf "I knew you'd have a lot of books here although I expected more of a library" he grinned
"Yeah, well I don't exactly have the room for it" she frowned. Axel chuckled leaning back into the chair; he stared up at the ceiling wrinkling his nose.
"Somethin' cookin'?" he questioned
"Yeah I just uh" Shit she had forgotten she had left it in the oven it must've been burned to a crisp by now. "I'll be right back"
Carol trailed off into the kitchen quickly grabbing a towel from the table and pulled the dish out; she let out a sigh of relief to see her dinner hadn't been burnt. She placed it on to the counter to cool down staring at it half proudly; this had been her first attempt at making a decent pasta dish.
Ed never would've eaten this she thought happily, she was glad she had the freedom to eat whatever she wanted without worrying about Ed.
She stood on her tip toes carefully and pulled out an expensive bottle of wine Karen and Tyreese had gotten her as a 'Welcome gift' and poured it into two petite glasses.
Carol moved back into the living room with the two glasses in her hands to see Axel crouched over on the couch, he was looking at something.
"What have you got there-"She froze "Where did you get that?" she asked stiffly. Carol stared at Axel's hands as hers and Daryl's faces stared back at her.
He placed the photo on the coffee table, "I'm sorry I just noticed it under the coffee table and thought I'd take a look"
She breathed deeply, moving to set the drinks down on the table. She lodged herself in-between the cushions and Axel staring down at the picture with him.
"You look pretty happy here" he paused "Is that um…" he hesitated
Carol took the photo from his hands "Daryl" she smiled down at it "It is him" She smoothened the picture out with her thumb.
"He looks like a hard guy" Axel frowned staring at his features. Carol giggled quietly
"He is but he has a good heart" She frowned slipping the picture back underneath the coffee table "Let's not talk about him, I mean I rather not"
Axel nodded; he turned his body to face her and moved a few inches closer, close enough for her to feel his leg rest against hers gently.
"I know I've asked but…" he wavered "Are you sure you're okay I mean you sure were quiet during work today…quieter than normal"
Carol shook her head grinning calmly "I'm just tired" she glanced at him he was staring at her very intensely with the corners of his mouth curved slightly "Why are you so concerned anyway?"
His intense smile grew and Carol could her face getting hot and scarlet. She drew her attention to the ground trying to avoid his stare.
"I don't want you to feel insecure you deserve to feel safe and happy" his hand brushed against hers making Carol shiver enough for Axel to immediately move his hand back to his lap. "Sorry"
Carol nodded keeping her eyes planted on the ground. Without warning she felt Axel's finger return for another try this time underneath her chin bringing her face towards his. He leaned in his lips ready to press against hers until Carol moved one hand to press against his chest.
"Please stop" she whispered breathily
Axel quickly backed away, his hands were in his lap and his head was pointed at the ground in shame.
"I'm sorry" he muttered "I uh I shouldn't have tried…not after last night"
Carol sighed; she rested her hand on top of his causing him to look up sharply. She squeezed it gently.
"Its fine Axel I just…I need a minute okay?"
Axel gave a short nod and Carol's lips were on his forehead delicately. She could feel Axel's skin turning crimson, she smiled against his forehead. "I'll be right back"
Carol rushed into the bathroom almost keeling over the sink.
She felt nervous
She felt sick.
She leaned over the sink and ran the taps, her fingers brushed through the freezing water and she splashed her face a few times. Carol lifted her dripping face up to look in the mirror, she couldn't do this. What the hell was she doing anyway?
Oh God
She was too broken to be getting involved in this kind of stuff. All she had to do was go back down stairs and apologize to Axel. Maybe he'd understand and they could still drink wine, eat and enjoy the rest of the evening like two friends.
She groaned out loud.
Who was she kidding? She'd already let too much happen too quickly.
Suddenly the sound of the phone echoed through the house, Carol didn't hesitate she quickly sprinted out of the bathroom to her bedroom yelling I've got it!
Her fingers scrambled for the phone and she pressed against her ear sharply.
"Hello?"
There was a long pause.
"…Carol…" Breathed the voice, she recognized it. She felt her knees go weak and her heart thud against her ribs. She opened her mouth to speak but she couldn't his name was trapped on her tongue as if she wasn't allowed to speak it. His voice was still thick and gravelly except this time there was an unsettling darkness to it.
"Daryl?" her mouth felt dry, "I-Is this a joke?" she said in almost a whisper she felt as if she couldn't speak.
There was another weighed silence pause between them.
"I've been waiting for you…for months I needed you…" her voice shook. Why was he calling? Why now? Had Lori told him to?
He breathed deeply "I know…" She could hear the regret in his voice. It was the same regret he had the day he made her leave to protect her. Her fingers played with the cord of the phone nervously, it had been so long every single thing that came out of her mouth felt awkward.
"I heard about you and Ed…What you did" she paused shaking her head "You're too reckless you…you could've been killed Daryl" Her skin was beginning to itch again so she scratched it sharply.
He breathed "I know…" His voice didn't sound like his, it was so dark and dead it scared Carol. She shut her eyes and slid off of the bed too the ground. She leaned against it her breaths quickening.
"Why are you calling here?" She asked softly, she could feel herself getting more and more self-conscious.
There was another long pause and then he sighed, "It's over between us Carol, we're done"
"Come on…" Carol whispered weakly she couldn't breathe "…You said that a few months ago and then…" she really couldn't breathe. Carol clutched her chest tightly wheezing.
"Carol breathe c'mon breathe for me" he said soothingly although his voice shook.
"…And then you said you loved me…Just say it" she exhaled faintly. There was a sigh on the other end of the phone; she could hear the phone moving.
"I just can't Carol, not this time"
She clutched the phone tightly, as if she was clutching him trying to get him out of this. Something wasn't right. "You don't mean that Daryl Just…" her voice cracked as the tears fell she breathed in deeply trying to hold back the rest of the tears but she couldn't "Just come home to me please we can fix this you love me I know you do…things are just bad at the moment"
She breathed heavily against the phone none of this felt real it had to be a dream.
"If you loved me you'd come home you would…" She was gasping for air now, the tears were burning her eyes.
"We're broken If I come back I aint gonna fix it I'll just make things worse like I always do!" he roared angrily "I'll poison you…" he paused "An' I can't come back… I couldn't stop it what happened to you, it was all on me I wouldn't be able to look at you knowing…" he was now gasping for air, he was crying and all she wanted to do was hold him so maybe they could be hurt together "It doesn't matter I did bad things to that bastard I just can't…"
Carol shook her head in disbelief "No, we can fix it together we're not broken" she smiled weakly.
Daryl took a calm breath "You're never gonna see me again Just…Just take care of yourself and Sophia and forget about me I'm no one to you"
"You're everything to me Daryl I love you just please...I need you…" Her chest felt like it about to break and she let out a broken cry.
"Carol-"
"Why are you doing this?"
He remained silent for a moment which made Carol's chest ache even more, the silence was eating her up inside.
"Stay safe…Both of you"
The line went dead and she let the phone fall to the ground.
"This isn't real" she whispered "This isn't real" It had to be some kind of nightmare, just another stupid nightmare.
Carol shakily bent forwards, with her knees against her chest and she could hear her heart racing in her ears. None of this was real it couldn't have been, he wouldn't do this. It wasn't him
She closed her eyes letting herself weep silently to herself.
After a few moments she heard the door creak open, her head lifted up wearily half expecting it to be Daryl but it wasn't.
Axel rushed over to her, his arms immediately cradling her against him. He shushed her calmly as he rocked her backwards and forwards.
"What happened Carol?" he murmured
Carol buried her head into his chest, sobbing louder than before. That was the funny thing about comforting after you've been alone for a long time and somebody gives a shit it finally feels like you have to let it go.
So she did, "I lost him…He's gone" she wept.
He brushed her hair calmly and shushed her again, "It's okay I'm here just breathe"
He guided her carefully over to the bed, his hand rubbed against her back as she took comfort in a pillow and cried into it.
"He didn't even let me say goodbye properly"
He shushed her again, "Calm down its okay…It's okay"
"He didn't even give me a reason he just left me" she sobbed. Axel's arms were soon over her again and he held her close to him letting her cry into his shirt.
"I'm so sorry Carol" he stroked the back of her hair gently "If you want I can leave…you know if you need alone time"
Carol shook her head and held onto his arm softly "Please don't" she gazed up at him weakly "I really need somebody right now"
Axel wrapped his arm around her again and continued to stroke her hair, he kissed the top of it warmly.
"I won't I promise I'll stay"
They didn't bother to go back downstairs after that, Axel kept his word and stayed with her comforting her until she stopped crying which she didn't stop doing until the later hours. The two of them lay there quietly; her arms were over him tightly with her head pressed against his back as she cried into it. He didn't seem to mind not even when Carol could hear his stomach beginning to rumble. He just stayed there stroking her hair and letting her calm down.
"If you want you can go home" she breathed against him.
"I'm gonna stay here until you feel better"
She still continued to cry and shake so Axel held her closer making sure she didn't feel alone. Carol shut her eyes, these weren't the same tears, this time they were tears of anger.
She didn't want to cry anymore because it wasn't going to do shit. It didn't do anything for her when Ed hurt her and it wasn't going to bring Daryl home.
She squeezed her eyes even tighter.
Everything felt so empty without him.
It was all so quiet
It was so…pathetic
Carol relaxed her eyes and finally let herself drift off to sleep because at least in her dreams
She would maybe have Daryl next to her
One last time