Long chapter warning! This one got a little out of hands... ^^'' I don't intend to make the next chapters this long, to be honest, but this one felt like it needed to be this way.
Again, thanks for reading and following ^^ If you'd be kind enough to take your time and leave me some of your thoughts it would be incredibly helpful. Right now I'm feeling a little insecure about the story, even though I'm enjoying every second I put on it. But feedback is always encouraging and helpful, so that'd mean a lot to me, 'cause that's the whole reason I share it here and not just keep it getting dusty on my pc.
Anyway, happy reading!:^)
P.s.: I don't own Glee or Les Chansons d'Amour!
No matter how well Sebastian slept in Kurt's bed (which kept surprising and unsettling him deeply), three hours was still some shit and obviously not enough. Kurt's alarm started ringing around six thirty, but the boy didn't quite hear it until seven or so – lucky him.
Sebastian did hear it the first time perfectly fine and couldn't contain a groan. He hated when people kept postponing the alarm endlessly, but he kind of hated it even more when people just didn't hear it, which appeared to be Kurt's case.
Sebastian summoned all his will to lift his head and glared with true annoyance at Kurt, but his gaze turned gradually softer as he took in Kurt's gesture.
There was really nothing special about the way Kurt slept, that was the truth. The kid drawled as much as everyone, stole the blanket mindlessly in his sleep and even talked a few nonsensical words every now and then. Just the average sleeper.
And yet seeing him so asleep and harmless did something to Sebastian. It made him backpedal in his unjustified anger, for one, and it also reminded him that Kurt's bed was the reason he was actually getting some sleep, even if tonight had been just a few hours.
Truth was he kind of owed Kurt a little. If anything, Sebastian owed Kurt the decency of not encouraging his obvious crush, that was for sure, and last night had probably not helped on that department.
So when he looked at Kurt, what he saw really was his own selfishness. He probably just needed to move out. Find a new apartment. Let Mary took Julie's stuff away. Start fresh. What he didn't need was to find himself in the really strange situation of sharing a bed with a seventeen-year-old, for Christ's Sake. He needed to be stopped and it had to be now.
Sebastian got up and tried to make as less noise as possible. He threw in the clothes from the day before (which, again, were Kurt's) and left Kurt's room without looking back.
Soon enough he found himself in the street, breathing in the fresh air morning. It looked like the day would be less sunny than Tuesday and Wednesday had been, but that was okay. He felt awake, half rested and relieved now that he wasn't in a minor's bed anymore, so that was something. If the day needed to call it for a rain, Sebastian guessed it could be worse.
It didn't take much to find himself hesitant again, though. As soon as he crossed the street, a really creamy and warm smell filled his noise and he came across a bakery. Probably the same bakery where Kurt had bought him those pastries the day before, he imagined.
A few groans and curses later, Sebastian left the establishment with two paper bags. He got in Kurt and Brittany's building again and contemplated for a second whether to come up or not. Thankfully, he saw the doorman sweeping the elevator and decided to take a short cut. He left the man one of the bags and gave him instructions to personally handle it to Kurt on his way out to school. When the doorman asked Sebastian if he should tell Kurt anything for him, he just ripped a page from his notebook and wrote 'thank you'.
He hoped that would settle it.
/
Lunch time found Sebastian somewhat surprised. Santana was having one her very rare good mood days, so they were eating her home-cooked burritos outside, in the building's rooftop, enjoying a perfectly amicable silence that only got interrupted now and then by the threat of rain.
"This is what I miss the most about living with you" Sebastian mumbled with his mouth full of food. "You're a great cook."
Santana gave him a suspicious eye. "What's that for?"
Sebastian rolled his eyes. "Oh my God, can't I ever compliment you without you thinking I've got ulterior motives? You should get tested or something, because it's getting pathological."
Santana scoffed, "Yeah, well, you should get tested and have someone check your halitosis, because it's getting chronic."
Sebastian contained a chuckle. "Oh yeah? Well, how about you check your vagina? 'Cause last time I checked your period smell was getting pretty bad. I'm sure your girlfriend must be really appreciating that."
Santana's jaw fell open. "ARGH! Gross!" She laughed then. "So freaking gross, you freak. How sad of you to remember the smell of my vagina. But I guess that's what happens when you take a celibate vow; you become sad."
Sebastian frowned, not even amused. "A celibate vow? Wow. I've been single for how long? Two months?"
Santana gave him the 'give-me-a-break' glare. "And how your hand's still uninjured I cannot fathom. Please. You're like the most insatiable guy I've ever met. Julie and I used to joke you were a sex addict. And now two months without a screw? Come on, Seb. Your balls are gonna explode."
"Oh, me? Really? It was me who was a sex addict?" He asked, half annoyed half amused. "You guys are unbelievable. You were all over each other all the time, okay? I practically had to beg you to have sex with me."
"Again, sad" Santana shook her head. "I could set you up with someone, you know" she suggested, so little subtle and casual that Sebastian wanted to just barf. "Someone you do not have to beg for sex, I mean" she smirked maliciously.
Sebastian rolled his eyes. "No, thanks. Not interested."
Santana sighed, exasperated. "Sebastian, I'm trying to do something nice here, don't make me repeat it. Don't you get tired of being so lame?"
"So lame?" Sebastian asked, upset now. "Fuck off. I'm grieving, for Christ's Sake. Grieving. Do you know anything about that, Santana?"
Santana threw her soda can really violently towards the nearest trash and failed. "Oh, do you? Is that what you're doing?" She stood up, feisty. "If only you were grieving, Sebastian."
Sebastian gazed at her with disconcert. "What the hell do you want from me? To cry my guts out? To whine and mope in every corner?"
"Yes!" Santana screamed, gesturing with her hands dramatically. "Just break down already, for crying out loud! You're so freaking put-together it's crazy!"
Sebastian wasn't even able to reply to that; he just looked down, full of hurt, so full he thought he couldn't bear it. A really tense silence got between Santana and him, but neither of them moved an inch. Finally, Santana spoke up again.
"Sebastian, I just want to help you." The girl sat down again next to him and Sebastian noticed her tone had gotten much softer, but he still didn't want to look her in the eye. "Can you honestly tell me that you broke down, even once? That you told the world to go to hell? To fuck off? You're supposed to be selfish now, Seb. You need to let the anger out, and the sorrow. It's gonna poison you if you don't."
She squeezed his knee, and even left her hand there for comfort, which didn't cease to daze Sebastian, because this was Santana after all. And she might be always yelling, and cursing, and whatnot. But there was this other side to her, this incredibly brave side, that made her precisely the best friend one could ask for. It was really not easy calling out a friend like she had just done. In fact, it was really painful.
Sebastian grabbed her hand and squeezed it back, trying really hard to keep his breathing in check, but his throat was getting full of nods and his lungs seemed to had gotten into a race of some sort.
"I know" he admitted. "I'm just not there yet."
"That's okay" Santana nodded after a few seconds, too understanding to be her.
It was fairly awkward, because this was them, and they didn't act like loving friends and shit. But Sebastian threw his arms around the girl and hugged her. Some days, all he needed was some arms, no matter whose.
/
It was one in the morning, and Sebastian had been tossing and turning without rest for two, maybe three hours. This is insane, he kept breeding, his mood getting worse every minute.
Before meeting Kurt and Brittany, Sebastian had somewhat become accustomed to being unable to sleep. He spent the nights fighting for rest, but the pain was so intense that he simply knew there was nothing to do about it – just let it be, and hope that some day it will wear off and he would feel safe again in his own room.
But now that he had found out that he was actually capable of sleeping, he felt absolutely annoyed that it didn't happen. So instead of feeling sad, or hurt, he just fell completely pissed off and anxious. Like a kid with a tantrum.
Why the hell couldn't he sleep in his bed? Why? Was it because of the apartment? Should he seriously consider moving out?
On a crazy impulse, he got up and took his credit card. He was going to sleep tonight, even if it was in a cheap, tacky hostel. If the problem was his bed, or his place, then there were plenty of solutions for that.
Thankfully, there was a hostel only two blocks away from his apartment. And, much to his joy, the room he got was not too bad. He had a TV, a comfortable bed and some chocolates in the pillow, as a greeting gift.
But soon enough it was two, and he was painfully awake, and desperate. Really, really desperate.
Around three, he wanted to scream. He couldn't take it anymore. Sebastian left the hostel and took a cab. The long sleep deprivation streak needed to stay over, and he could only think of one place where that could work, because it had worked before.
And he was fully aware how little sense that made. How ridiculous it was to think he could only fall sleep in Kurt's bed. But he was desperate, he thought these past two days had been some sort of progress, and he wasn't willing to throw that away.
Besides, wasn't it time to be selfish according to Santana?
This time he had no pencils with himself, so he had to throw some of the chocolate bonbons from the hostel at Kurt's window, praying that the boy would wake up eventually.
And he did. About two, three minutes later, he finally did, and studied Sebastian from his window with the sleepiest and most stunned expression Sebastian had ever seen.
Sebastian simply made him a gesture and pointed at the door. Without waiting for a reply, he typed in the code and a few seconds later got in the elevator. He hoped Kurt would be at the door now, because knocking or ringing the bell was out of question. And also, if Kurt wasn't at the door, it probably meant the kid had had enough with him already, which was also perfectly fair, after all.
Thankfully Kurt was there, his arms folded and his frown slightly marked. Sebastian shot him a cautious smile that probably got under Kurt's skin, because the boy had mercy and led him to his bedroom.
Kurt was probably very tired, because once they got to his room, he got in bed right away. He didn't even greet Sebastian or pronounce a single word. He made enough place for Sebastian, though, who took off his clothes real fast and followed him.
As soon as Sebastian got in bed, a pleasant wave of warmth invaded all his insides. This bed ought to be made of heaven, there was no other possible explanation. Kurt had warmed it and perfumed it with his pale and cozy body, and Sebastian could already feel himself drifting off.
He came a little bit closer to Kurt, just slightly, and inhaled all the pleasant warmth that surrounded the boy. It was the weirdest thing, but it had some kind of soothing effect on Sebastian. And it kept calling him, clouding his judgment.
Sebastian knew that Kurt would be more than okay with him throwing his arms at him, even if it was just for cuddling, and he was very tempted to do so. But he also knew there was a line, a line that was easily blurred at nights, and that line needed to remain uncrossed.
This is a fucking seventeen-year-old, Sebastian called himself off, annoyed, have some self-control you freak.
/
Sebastian rested so much that night that he didn't even hear Kurt's alarm next morning. He woke up around fifteen minutes later because of the sound of the hairdryer and looked around, confused. The door was opened and there was some light coming from the bathroom. The bed was empty, so he figured the source of noise was probably Kurt.
He seriously considered getting up and sneaking out on the kid, but that bed was so freaking comfortable. Besides, now that Kurt was out Sebastian had the bed for himself, and it smelled so disturbingly good on Kurt's side...
The noise went off and Kurt came in the room again, unaware of Sebastian's awakening. Sebastian peeked and saw the boy in a towel, humming mindlessly around his drawers while (probably) looking for the most ridiculous outfit. His hair was perfectly styled, though.
Sebastian couldn't help a snort, which made the boy startle and turn around self-consciously.
"Oh, by all means: keep humming" Sebastian joked, throwing him a pillow.
Kurt barely dodged it and panicked, taking a firm hold of his towel. "Hey!" He protested, then grabbed his clothes and ran away.
Sebastian took the opportunity to sat up and stretch. It couldn't have been more than four hours, but it still felt really nice. It was certainly an improvement from the former zero hours he used to get in his apartment.
Kurt came back fully dressed two minutes later and seemed more comfortable on his skin. He shot Sebastian a tentative smile but then realized Sebastian was sitting.
"Oh, you can keep sleeping if you want" the boy suggested, "my parents won't be here until evening, and I don't think Brittany will come back a minute earlier" he chuckled.
"That's okay" Sebastian shrugged. "I should probably get going anyway."
"Right."
Sebastian looked up at the boy. That 'right' had sounded somewhat resented to him, but he wasn't sure. Kurt was biting the inside of his mouth and scrutinizing Sebastian with his sharp eyes.
Sebastian sighed. "Thank you for letting me sleep here, Kurt. Don't think I don't appreciate it."
Kurt's expression eased up a little, and he sat down at the edge of the bed. "Can I ask you something? I know you said 'no questions' but..."
"It's okay. Ask away" Sebastian winked, trying to be nice for once.
Kurt looked dubious. "Why are you here? I mean, why do you come here to sleep?"
Sebastian contained a chuckle, because it was kind of funny. He, a grown up man, coming at nights to sleep in some teenager's bed.
"Well" Sebastian started, uncertain. He locked eyes with Kurt and smiled, not sure what else to do. "I told you. I can't sleep at home."
Kurt didn't seem very satisfied with the answer. "Yeah, I get that. I mean, I can understand it. But why here? Not that I'm complaining" he giggled clumsily, "but I'm- I'm just curious, I guess."
"I can imagine" Sebastian agreed politely, but the truth was he was having a hard time coming up with a reasonable answer. He got up then and took his clothes. "Could I take a shower?"
Kurt examined him somewhat perplexed for a second, then stood up himself. "Of course. There are towels in the bathroom, and I'll take out some clean clothes for you."
"Oh, can I keep the sneakers?" Sebastian asked, aware he was probably abusing Kurt's generosity once again. "Not like keep 'em keep 'em, but like, a loan."
Kurt smiled with curiosity. "Yeah, no problem. I'll make breakfast meanwhile."
Sebastian frowned briefly but let it be. If the kid wanted to at least have breakfast with him, he had to indulge. Otherwise, it would be like using Kurt's as a hostel.
About ten minutes later, Sebastian followed the smell of coffee and it led him to the living room. Kurt had set up two cups of coffee with all possible utilities: cow milk, almond milk, sugar, saccharine and stevia.
"Sorry, I'm out of soy milk" the boy apologized while carrying a tray with fruit, toasts and oat meal.
Sebastian was awed. "How many people are we expecting for breakfast?"
Kurt chuckled nervously. "Oh. I wasn't sure how you'd take your coffee. Or what you'd like to eat. Shoot, I forgot the juice!"
Sebastian grabbed Kurt's arm loosely and stopped him. "That's okay, Kurt. I think the fruit will cover it. Sit down and eat now, kid."
Kurt held his stare for a second or two and finally nodded, smiling shyly. "I got a little carried away, didn't I?"
"Yeah" Sebastian smirked. "But that's you, I think. All excitement even about breakfast" he joked.
Kurt narrowed his eyes at him. "Oh, you're welcome, by the way" he said, moodily.
"Hey, I wasn't making fun of you for once!" Sebastian protested, amused. "And I am grateful to you, you know that, right?" He looked for Kurt's gaze, feeling slightly guilty.
Kurt didn't say anything, but it was pretty obvious he doubted that.
Sebastian scratched his head, uncomfortable.
"Okay, look. I'm not the easiest person to be around" Sebastian admitted. "But I don't take things for granted. Thank you for all of these" he gestured, pointing at the breakfast first, then at his clothes. "I mean, this sweater is dope. You might never get it back."
Kurt smiled finally, loosening up. "Oh, not until you're out of clothes again, right? By the way, I think I should give you my number. It'd be easier if you just give me a call when you want to sneak in. I don't think my parents will appreciate the taps on the window at two in the morning."
Sebastian considered that. "Oh, that won't be necessary" he chuckled, somewhat nervous. "I mean, I'll find somewhere else to sleep. It's probably time I did that, anyway."
Sebastian noticed Kurt looked disappointed, but none of them said anything. They ate for a few minutes in silence and Sebastian offered to clean up, which of course Kurt refused, claiming he had no idea where things went in the kitchen, which was hard to argue.
Kurt walked Sebastian to the door, awkwardly, and waited while the elevator arrived.
"Sebastian" Kurt called as soon as Sebastian set one foot on the elevator.
Sebastian turned around, impatient to get out of there.
"I think I should still give you my number. Just in case" Kurt added, cautiously.
They stared at each other for a couple of silent seconds; Sebastian trying not to lose his patience and Kurt trying not to look too clingy.
"I'll type it in myself, it'll only take a moment" the boy took a few steps closer, holding out his hand.
Reluctantly, Sebastian took out his phone and gave it to Kurt, stroking the boy's hand for a moment. "I'll give you a call so you can keep mine, but please, please, use it wisely" Sebastian warned him.
Kurt nodded and typed in his number. "There, saved."
"All right" Sebastian sighed. "I'd say 'I'll see you around', but hopefully, if you're lucky, I won't" he winked.
Kurt frowned. "What a crappy goodbye" he protested, scoffing.
Sebastian sighed once again and glared at the boy, somewhat annoyed. Without giving it much thought, he came forwards and kissed Kurt's cheek.
"See you, petit."
/
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Sebastian groaned, looking up at his window from the pavement. The lights were on, and that only meant one thing: Mary was in the apartment.
"Why? What is it?" Asked Lauren confused, observing Sebastian with curiosity.
Lauren was a waitress Sebastian had known for a while. She always took his and Julie's orders when they went out at the weekends and started the night right with a couple of vodkas at the cheapest bar in Ohio.
He had always noticed how Lauren stared at him way longer than necessary, or filled his cup a tiny bit more than Julie's, but never paid too much attention to it.
But, as it turned out, Santana was actually right about something: he did need to get laid. For two months he hadn't felt awake enough to even bother on hooking up with someone, nor had he wanted to.
But he had been making progress lately, he hoped he had, and his body was finally getting fidgety, restless even. And what if one of the reasons he couldn't sleep was because of the hormonal overload? It was just a theory, but Sebastian had nothing to lose, really.
And it was Friday night. Sebastian hadn't gone out in forever on a Friday night. So he decided to give it a go, and went to the bar and put his charm to good use, because being only the object of a teenager's attentions was driving him nuts, really, no matter how sweet the kid was.
There was just a little impediment he wasn't counting on, though, and that was Mary.
As Sebastian gazed at his own window, he couldn't help but wonder what the hell was going on with the girl, because there had to be something wrong with her to suddenly be on his apartment 24/7.
He sighed and looked at Lauren. "You think we could go to your place?"
"Sure" Lauren smiled, carelessly. "Has your roommate gotten some company tonight as well?"
Sebastian regarded her, baffled. "My what?"
"Oh, the blonde that's at the bar with you all the time. Isn't she your roommate?"
Sebastian's stomach twirled funnily. "Ah, no. I mean, yeah. But she's- she was my girlfriend, actually."
"Was?" Lauren asked with a badly hidden smile. "So you guys are not together anymore?"
"You could say that" Sebastian said, awkwardly. "That'd be extremely difficult, I mean, she died two months ago."
Lauren gasped and startled a little. Sebastian was a little tipsy himself so he was not one to be bothered with anyone's reactions right now.
"Oh my God, that's awful. I'm so so sorry, Sebastian."
Sebastian shrugged, out of habit. "That's okay. Don't worry about it."
"Wow" the girl kept murmuring. "She was such a beauty. And so lively. Such a shame."
"Yeah" Sebastian agreed, although 'lively' seemed kind of a morbid adjective to describe Julie right now. "She was very capable of being a real bitch too, but that's life. We all can be a bitch every now and then."
Lauren shot him a weird look, but Sebastian was too tipsy to stop his verbal rant now.
"But, you know, life happens. Or better yet, death happens, and we tend to forget how someone used to be a real bitch, but whatever. That's life" Sebastian babbled, nonsensically.
Lauren squeezed his hand. "You wanna forget about life tonight?" She asked, cheekily.
"Yes, please" Sebastian emphasized, "that's the whole reason I went out. I mean, that and hooking up with you."
Lauren giggled. "What did you think I meant by forgetting about life, silly?"
"Oh. Good. You think we could go to your place?" He asked again, his level of alcohol in blood reaching its highest point. "I kinda can't crush at home. My dead girlfriend's sister has moved in now. And my bed won't let me sleep. It sucks."
"Of course" Lauren assured him.
Sebastian realized how drunk he was, but fortunately it looked like so was Lauren.
"I'm so glad you're so drunk with me" Sebastian said, dumbly. "Or at least that you're decent enough to pretend that you are. That's just great. You're great, but your cologne is really not so great?" Sebastian made a face, the notion of politeness long forgotten. "But don't worry, I don't mind."
Thankfully Lauren got a good sense of humor. "Ha! And what about your sweater? Could your sweater be any gayer? If I hadn't seen you making out with your girl so many times, tonight I could have sworn you played for another team."
Sebastian gasped, pretending to be outraged. "My sweater is dope, shut up!" He lifted it up a little and hid his nose under the fabric, inhaling Kurt's cologne. Now this is a good smell, he thought, distractedly. "You know what I really need, though?"
"What?" Lauren asked, her face lightening up like a little kid's, dying to play whatever game you threw at her.
"A hug, man" Sebastian pouted, raising his arms and then letting them fall dramatically. "Just some arms, you know? C'mon, let's hug it out" he stopped and reached for Lauren, clumsily.
"Hug what out?" She asked, confused, but returned the hug.
"Just hug. Just let me borrow your arms" he protested, like the spoiled little brat Santana always claimed he really was. And why he was thinking about Santana right now, he didn't know. But it probably had something to do with hugs. Santana's arms hadn't satisfied him today, and he was pretty certain Lauren's arms wouldn't satisfy him either. But still, it was worth a try.
/
Sex with Lauren was okay, Sebastian guessed, but it would've been better if he could actually remember it.
Even though he had only slept three, four hours top, the monstrous hungover made it impossible to fall sleep again, leaving him alone with a mess of a memory. The events from last night were wearing off already, but little he cared about that. Right now, he only cared about one thing: why on Earth he was unable to fall sleep.
He imagined it came a time when the problem started to be just psychological, because there was really no logic explanation to the fact that he only got good rest and sleep at Kurt's. There just wasn't. So maybe he should just start house-hunting today and get himself a new, clean and comfortable place with no memories of any kind whatsoever.
Because, the truth was, Lauren's place was not the best. I mean, the girl was quite untidy and dirty, to say the least. And when she woke up, there was of course no offer of breakfast, shower or clean clothes. Just a kiss on the mouth that made Sebastian feel rather uncomfortable because of his morning breath, which wasn't exactly the greatest.
And the worst part was he was feeling really uncomfortable on his own skin. Far from cheering him up, sex with Lauren had left him cold and numbed. And he was fighting really hard not to feel numbed anymore. He had finally managed to stay awake! He was making progress, he was moving-…
Sebastian suddenly froze. The thought caught him walking home in the middle of the street, and he was really taken aback by it.
He was moving on? Really? Was that even possible?
A turmoil of guilt climbed up his guts and insides until reaching his brain, where it became viral. Dear God, Sebastian trembled, do I even get to do that? This is Julie we're talking about. We were supposed to love and cling to each other forever…
Sebastian couldn't say exactly why, but when he got home, he was kind of looking for Mary, but the girl wasn't there anymore.
How ironic, he thought, that I've got to leave this place in order to sleep at nights and she apparently comes here to do so.
That afternoon, he visited Julie's parents.
/
Kurt stayed home on Friday night, waiting like a fool for Sebastian to show up once again. Came Saturday morning, he regretted it deeply, because apparently Sebastian had meant it when he said he would look for some other place to crush at.
Kurt couldn't help but go over the last days events compulsively. Had he been unkind? Had he made it uncomfortable somehow for Sebastian? Okay, if he was completely honest, he probably had, chasing him like that on the street, but Sebastian had actually come to him afterwards so… maybe chasing him had been a good idea?
What if Sebastian actually needed someone to chase him? Someone to look after him, like Kurt wanted to?
Kurt knew he was delusional to even think things like that. All the more so when Sebastian himself had told him he didn't need anyone.
But the things Sebastian said didn't always match his actions, Kurt had noticed. He looked rather reluctant to Kurt's attentions and presence, yet he looked for them at two in the morning.
And then there was the whole 'not being able to sleep at home' thing. Not that Kurt didn't believe it, but it was kind of weird. Kurt's rational self trusted Sebastian's word, but Kurt's emotional self wanted to read between the lines so badly… and it was hard to keep him quiet.
If he comes once more, Kurt promised himself, then I'll allow myself to hope.
But Sebastian hadn't come last night, and Kurt had missed out on hanging out with his friends like an idiot. Not that he cared too much about it, because missing out on a Friday night wasn't that big of a deal in the uneventful Lima, to be honest. But still. It made him feel stupid, it made him feel small, and it mostly made him feel unwanted, which was a really bitter feeling.
On Saturday night, Kurt stared at his reflection in the mirror and promised himself something else: to stop being so freaking ridiculous. He always did this; he always crushed on someone way who was way out of his league and then felt miserable about it.
The high school glee club that he was enrolled in was throwing a party at Rachel's, and alcohol, karaoke and drama were expected. And Kurt could really use the distraction.
It probably had something to do with the fact that he wasn't much of a drinker, but the party looked pretty lame to his eyes. Everyone was exaggeratedly wasted: people were either yelling, crying or making out, and it was kind of gross to watch. Besides, his ex-boyfriend Blaine was there, flirting with the new kid Sam, and it took all Kurt's self-control not to get jealous. Not because he missed Blaine, which he didn't, but because it made him feel lonely.
But these were his friends! How come he felt so lonely around them, then? He didn't quite get it, and it made him feel kind of bad. He loved everyone in the room, but he couldn't help the voice in his head that told him he was meant for something else. Not better, not worse, just something else. People who could inspire him in other ways, make him expand his views and limits and grow as a person.
Of all the people in the room, maybe only Rachel made him feel challenged every once in a while, and only on a performing level. But Kurt knew his life wasn't meant to simply revolve around performing and singing competitions. In a few months, he'd be studying at Brown, and the possibilities seemed endless, which was actually a really fresh change.
"I can't wait to get out of here" Quinn said with a yawn.
Kurt realized right then that they had been standing next to each other in amicable silence for a while.
He looked at her surprised. "Really?"
Quinn stared blankly at him. "Can't you?"
Kurt looked around, somewhat hesitant. "In a way, I guess."
Quinn's gaze fell to the floor. She looked rather unhappy. "And if you're being honest with yourself?"
Kurt chuckled, taken aback. "It's not that bad" he defended. "I mean- do you have any guarantee that things will be better when we're out of here?"
Quinn smiled, bitterly. "Anything must be better than here."
Kurt observed her bewildered. It wasn't that he necessarily disagreed with the girl, but he wanted to. There was nothing wrong with being ambitious enough to hope for a better future, but that could be tricky, because it could make your present situation really bitter.
And Kurt wished for a better future, but he also kind of wanted to enjoy the moment. Because what else did he really have?
Kurt's phone started buzzing then and his heart almost stopped. It was a text from Sebastian. He couldn't believe it.
From Sebastian S.: Hey.
"Who's that?" Quinn asked, suspicious. The girl tried to peek at his phone.
Kurt hid it, nervously.
Quinn chuckled. "I mean, all the people we know are in here. So who's that?" She smiled, and Kurt was surprised to notice she looked unexpectedly fond. Like she was actually happy for him or something.
"Present, I hope" Kurt smiled back. "Turns out I need to get out of here too" he looked around for Finn, his ride home, but the boy seemed too busy exploring Rachel's throat. "Could you give me a ride?"
"Sure" Quinn smirked with complicity. "Give me a minute to grab my stuff and I'll meet you outside." She looked so grateful to have an excuse to leave, Kurt noticed.
To Sebastian S.: Hey.
Kurt didn't even bother to say goodbye; he went straight for the door and sat outside, fidgeting with his cell phone excitedly.
From Sebastian S.: Your lights are off.
To Sebastian S.: You're on my street?
From Sebastian S.: You're home?
To Sebastian S.: I'm on my way… so you're there?
/
Even though the distance between his house and Rachel's was not that big, and Sebastian hadn't even replied to his last text, Kurt felt like it was taking them forever to get home, and he didn't want to grant his body enough time to get nervous.
"It's freaking two in the morning!" Kurt protested, "Dear Gaga, how can there be traffic at two in the morning?!"
"Kurt, you need to calm down" Quinn stated with her usual, rational coldness. "We're moving slow, there's really no point in getting all worked up about it."
Kurt scoffed and folded his arms, annoyed. "You don't get it. He might get tired of waiting for me! Who knows how long he's been there" he wondered, worried.
"Then that sounds like his damn problem" Quinn argued, not one to be very understanding. "Don't give me that look- he's a grown man, he can take care of himself. And if he can't, getting in bed with a minor is really the least appropriate thing he could do."
"It's not like that!" Kurt defended. He was regretting telling Quinn about the whole thing already. "He just needs somewhere to sleep, that's all. He would never even touch me without my consent. Which I would gladly give him, gladly" he added, dignified.
Quinn shook his head. "I don't like this, Kurt. I know it all must seem like some big mystery to you, all exciting and stuff but… It doesn't look good. He sounds troubled."
Kurt snorted. "Oh, right, 'cause we're not troubled at all" he said with sarcasm.
Quinn shot him a cold glare. "Not like that" she added after a few seconds. "Look, if he doesn't mean any harm, why can't he take the couch? I'm just saying, there's no reason not to."
"Fine" Kurt gave in, annoyed. "I'll ask him to take the couch. You happy?"
Quinn rolled her eyes. "Yes. I'm the epitome of happiness. Thank you."
About fifteen minutes later, Kurt finally got home. He thanked Quinn (reluctantly) for the lift and rushed to the building entrance. He was about to come in, but the increasing twirls in his stomach had him all hesitant all of a sudden.
He knew Quinn was partially right. Sebastian was probably going through a troubling time right now. And Kurt was looking right at the face of danger and inviting it in with no objections. Of all his crazy crushes, this was by far the craziest one.
Kurt suddenly noticed a presence stalking his back. He turned around, startled and terrified.
"You're having second thoughts, aren't you?" Sebastian asked him, with a sad smile.
Sebastian looked like hell. He was wearing some of his own clothes for a change (except for Kurt's sneakers) and his hair and eyes looked terrible. Like he hadn't slept in forever. Also, his breath smelled of alcohol, but he didn't look drunk. He looked depressed, and it broke Kurt's heart to see him like this.
"Of course not" Kurt shook his head, determined to help him. "I was wondering if my parents will be home yet, but hopefully they're having too much fun to come back" he lied.
Sebastian nodded, distractedly, probably too busy being miserable to even care if Kurt was telling the truth.
"Are you okay?" Kurt couldn't help but ask, worried. He took a few steps in Sebastian's direction and stroked his arm, timidly.
Sebastian's gaze fell on Kurt's hand. He smiled tiredly.
"No" he looked up and stared right at Kurt then. "But I will."
Kurt couldn't contain the fond smile that reached his lips. Why did this man have this effect on him? It was scary how out of his hands it was.
"Come on" Kurt pointed at the door with his head. "Let's get you some rest."
"Yeah" Sebastian breathed out. "That'd be nice" he smiled back at Kurt, grateful.
The way up to Kurt's apartment was intriguingly silent. Kurt kept waiting for Sebastian to pick at him or joke about something, but the man looked too lost on his thoughts to do so. Or maybe too tired, who knew.
As soon as they got to his room, Kurt offered Sebastian anything he could think of: water, soup, sandwiches, fruit, wine… But Sebastian shook his head every time politely and just started taking off his clothes with as much as a warning, as it was his fashion.
Kurt felt as uncomfortable as usual and grabbed his pajamas to change in the bathroom. He was honestly confused as to how to proceed now. Sebastian was obviously upset, and it wasn't in Kurt's nature to ignore that. But he also knew Sebastian wouldn't answer any question, so that didn't leave Kurt any choice at all.
Also, when he made it back to the room, Sebastian had already got in bed, what made it kind of difficult for Kurt to ask him to take the couch. Not that he was very convinced of doing that, anyway.
"What?" Sebastian asked, half annoyed, when Kurt stood under the door frame in silence for about a minute or two.
Kurt wasn't even sure where to start. Or how to. Sebastian looked like he didn't want to be bothered, but this was Kurt's house! His bed! Didn't he have any say in the matter at all?
"I think I'm gonna take the couch" Kurt said, giving in to the utter conclusion that he was powerless when it came to Sebastian. At least this was a smart solution, though.
Sebastian frowned and sat down in bed. "Why?"
Kurt opened his mouth, out of habit, but he didn't really know what to say, so he said nothing, for another half a minute or so.
"I'd feel bad if I made you take it" Kurt admitted. "And you need to rest, so... There's really no reason for me to sleep here with you" he said, reluctantly.
Sebastian contemplated him with a really struggling expression for a few seconds, visibly unsettled. "But- I mean" he mumbled, clearly taken aback, "this is your bed, I-" he sighed. "Kurt, couldn't you just- sleep here, please?"
Kurt's heart skipped a beat. He knew he should not be that easy. He needed to stand his ground, make Sebastian talk! "Why?" was all he could bring himself to ask.
Sebastian looked uncertain. And lost. It took all Kurt's will not to give in.
"Couldn't you just- do it, please?" Sebastian begged again, and he looked slightly desperate. "Just- just for tonight" he added, not too convincingly. "I promise, I'll be out of your life in the morning."
Kurt trembled. "Don't. Don't promise me that." He tried really hard not to make it sound like he was imploring, but felt embarrassed anyway.
Sebastian observed him with really wide eyes. "Okay" he indulged, looking expectant. "So?"
"I'll turn off the lights" Kurt gave up. He prepared himself to feel like a failure for not getting Sebastian to communicate anything, but suddenly noticed the relief on Sebastian's face. And it was really hard to feel anything other than fortunate after seeing that. Fortunate for being able to bring some kind of comfort to a man who looked like nothing had comforted him in a while.
So what if he never dared to push it too far? He was helping Sebastian, and it was something palpable, he could see it in the man's face. If that made Kurt gullible, then so be it, Kurt figured.
/
The minute Kurt got in bed, the bed got incredibly warmer and habitable for Sebastian, who tossed around to Kurt's side, uncertain.
It had been some horrible day. Visiting Julie's parents had been a big mistake, as big as letting Mary stay on his apartment, because that only brought up some things he just couldn't deal with anymore. He no longer had the energy.
But that didn't justify his presence in Kurt's bed. Nothing did. And, Sebastian was getting tired of fighting himself to find a reason for everything he felt, despite all that. The thing was he just felt safe here, like he used to feel on his own room not so long ago. And peaceful, he felt really peaceful here. Did that make him a terrible person?
Kurt, in the other hand, was clearly an amazing kid. Generous, kind and trusting. And Sebastian just wanted to be closer to that goodness, to let it heal him a little. And yeah, he was drunk, and it had been two drunk nights in a row, but he had a small suspicion that was eating him alive.
It was this hunch, this intuition that told him he needed to follow his whim to be in Kurt's arms. Santana's hadn't worked, neither had Lauren's… so what if it were Kurt's the arms he needed right now? What was wrong with that? It was just some arms. Nothing more.
Sebastian lifted a tentative hand and placed it on Kurt's stomach. Kurt startled but didn't say a word, so Sebastian stroked his sides, always over the fabric.
"Is this okay?" Sebastian asked, although he was pretty sure he was crossing the line even if Kurt agreed to this.
Kurt turned around a little to face Sebastian. He nodded, the light from a street lamp that came through the window letting Sebastian contemplate Kurt's silhouette and angles.
Sebastian took a grip on one of Kurt's sides then and came slowly forward to rest his cheek on Kurt's chest. He slid his arms under Kurt's and held on to the boy, searching for something he wasn't even sure what it was.
Almost immediately, Kurt returned the hug and held him, his hands stroking Sebastian's back warmly and his arms… Well, his arms irrevocably becoming the arms that Sebastian would need from now on.
"You're sure this is okay, Kurt?" Sebastian needed to ask once more. He needed to be cautious before he got too comfortable. This was a seventeen-year-old boy, probably too blind by his crush on Sebastian to even think straight, and Sebastian didn't want to feel like he was taking advantage of that. "You don't have to do everything I ask of you."
"Let me make my own decisions" Kurt murmured, caressing Sebastian's comfortingly. "And try to rest. Don't worry about anything else."
Sebastian looked up at him, half startled. Was it possible to be this selfless? He came up a little and brought his face to Kurt's, observing the boy closely. Kurt looked slightly taken aback, but he didn't move an inch.
Sebastian brought his lips to Kurt's cheek and kissed it. Then kissed slightly lower, and lower, until reaching Kurt's chin. Then came the neck, and Sebastian just hid his nose there and inhaled. It was so soft and welcoming. He kissed it with care, then rested his own cheek there, finally willing to let himself relax and drift off. He had found the spot: this was where he needed to be.