with this chapter I realised a few things.
1: I know where this is going and I want to write it
2: angst is definitely not my territory but I'll try
3: I'm kinda depressed these times
Why were you dying in this river three days ago ?
Why indeed. Lexa looked at the ceiling and tried to remember. But everything was blurry and vague.
"Take your time. I'll make you some cinnamon milk. It'll help with your cold"
The brunette watched her stand and couldn't believe how much the blonde had changed. They hadn't spent so much time together, a couple of month at most but she could see it. Clarke seemed lighter. The way she was walking, the way she was speaking, the way she held her shoulders. The permanent frown that had been hardening the girl's face two years ago had disappeared. She seemed almost happy. Free.
Clarke was pouring the cinnamon milk in a cup when the door opened. A cold wind rushed in the room and Lexa shivered. She noticed for the first time that her undergarment and bandages put aside, she was naked.
"Thank god : fire !" Octavia quickly slipped into the house and closed the door. She almost ran to the hearth.
"Okteivia how many times did I mention I didn't want your ass to be here if it's covered in blood ! Go change clothes. You reek of iron !"
The brunette rolled her eyes grumbling what sounded like a 'Go kill your boar yourself next time' and rubbing her hands on her arms to warm herself up a little before exiting the house, letting some more cold air enter the room.
Clarke approached Lexa again, the fuming cup in her hand, shaking her head in disappointment. "I've been scolding her for six months about that but she still barges in, covered in dirt or blood. One day she just came in and took her daughter in her bloody arms. I had just changed Selina's clothes !" Clarke sat back in her chair and Lexa thought she could spend the eternity only looking at the smiling features in front of her. The girl helped Lexa take a sip of the cinnamon milk and the brunette hummed in delight.
Clarke raised an amused eyebrow "Seems that a certain someone have a thing for hot cinnamon milk !"
The smile on the blonde's face was so radiant that a small one tugged Lexa's lips when she said "I do"
Clarke blew on the milk and helped Lexa drink again before asking "Do you remember ? How you ended up in this river ?"
Lexa didn't remember much of how she fell in the river. But she remembered awfully well what had lead to that. "A year ago. A terrible epidemic raged through our lands. All nations suffered from it but the Trikru was the most affected" Rage and frustration started bubbling inside the girl at the memory of her incapacity to do anything. "I had never felt so weak. I had the most powerful army any commander had ever had but I was incapable of doing anything. Children were dying in my arms and I could do nothing to save them" Despite the ache in her arms Lexa was clenching her fists and her whole being tensed.
"I heard. Nothing could have stopped that and you know it. Don't blame yourself for things you can't control" Clarke's tone was serious but reassuring. She gently reached out for Lexa's hand under the furs and uncurled the bruised fingers. "Relax"
Lexa closed her eyes and breathed deeply for a few minutes. She tried to focus on the warm feeling of Clarke's hand on her own. She wanted to forget. To forget this terrible winter. Forget the gigantic burning pyres. "At the end of winter, thousands had died, leaving broken families and weakened armies" Lexa had to focus on Clarke's hand again to stop her body from tensing as more images she wished were not memories flashed in her mind.
Clarke was looking at her with sad and understanding eyes and Lexa knew. She knew Clarke could understand her. Knew that the blonde might be the only one in this world capable of such a thing and she was grateful. "We lost a lot of healers, warriors and hunters. The other nations of the coalition helped us as much as they could but it wasn't enough. If my estimations are good, we would've needed ten years to fully recover" She paused and took the blonde's hand. Lexa needed a link to the safe reality she was in. The blonde understood and left her hand there "Then of course, winter came again and with it, came the Azgeda"
That's when Lexa saw her. In a flash she saw the face of the woman that almost killed her. Then she relieved the past two months and her eyes watered in anger. She felt her jaw clench and her teeth grind. Her hands turned to fists again and her feet grabbed the furs under her.
"Lexa"
The voice dragged the brunette back to reality in an instant. Lexa's eyes widened at the realisation of what she had been doing. Ignoring the pain she quickly pulled her hand back and uncovered Clarke's. Red nail and finger marks were visible on the pale skin and Lexa felt the ground crumbling under her. She had hurt her. She had hurt Clarke. She was on the verge of sitting when the blonde's hands pushed on her shoulders to maintain her on the bed.
"Shhh it's ok" Lexa's terrified and guilty green eyes met calm blue. "It's ok. You didn't hurt me. You're safe"
You're safe
The words were echoing in Lexa's ears and brought her back in that forest two years ago. After Clarke had saved her from the Pauna. They had escaped death and yet Lexa felt like that day had been easier to deal with than those past two month. A Pauna was nothing compared to the Azgeda. Nobody was safe.
A shaky breath escaped Lexa's mouth "I am sorry Clarke"
Feeling the girl under her relax, the blonde adjusted the furs of the bed so that the cold winter air couldn't reach Lexa. Clarke was grabbing the cup of milk when the door opened again.
"See ? All clean and-" Octavia stopped in her tracks in the middle of the room, staring at Lexa. Stare that changed into glare in a matter of seconds.
"Octavia won't you please close this fucking door !? It's winter outside !"
"I'm sorry Clarke. She left it open for me" said Lincoln, closing the door.
Clarke softened "Ok, sorry for yelling"
Selina started crying then and Octavia was next to the cradle an instant later. She took her daughter in her arms "Yes honey I know. Auntie Clarke yelled and woke you up again" she said in a soft voice, throwing a glare at Clarke this time. The blonde huffed and pushed the rocking chair near the fire where Lexa had seen it a few hours ago.
"If you ask me I'd say it was your loud appearance that woke her up but fine, blame me. It's time to feed her anyway"
Lincoln approached the bed and kneeled down. He bowed *Heda*
A warm feeling wrapped Lexa at the man's behaviour. As much as her title was heavy, it was hers, and being recognized for what she was felt good.
*Stand Lincoln. I am no more your Heda*
*You are the only Heda, Lexa* The girl felt her heart throb in her chest at her old friend's words. She just nodded solemnly, her eyes expressing all the respect and affection she felt for the man.
Octavia was sitting in the chair and taking off her shirt when she said *Stop that Lincoln. She's nothing now. And she deserves it"
Clarke clicked her tongue in exasperation "Octavia, one more word and I'll kick you out" The girl rolled her eyes but stop talking, focusing her attention on her daughter.
The blonde went to sit on the edge of the bed and Lincoln on a chair at the table in the centre of the room. "Please Lexa I need to know what happened, tell us" Her tone was soft but hurrying.
Lexa took a deep breath and resumed "The azgedakru lives in the north. The cold there is very intense, especially in winter. They got spared by the epidemic and the ice queen took advantage of this to betray the coalition. Two month ago, at the beginning of winter, she attacked Hariss, a town in the north. She took us by surprise. I still don't know how she managed to guide her army so far into trikru territory without me knowing it"
"She's already so close ?" Lincoln's tone was obviously worried. Octavia lifted her head to look at him, then at Lexa, her previous anger changed into genuine concern.
Lexa could feel the air thicken and it became harder to breath with each word "Worse. Two weeks ago we received information saying she would attack Alti. Our armies fought for two days last week and we won. Too easily. And the Azgeda was nowhere to be found" she closed her eyes and swallowed.
"…She attacked Fredrik…"
Lexa couldn't talk. Her voice just didn't want to come out as her mouth was opening and closing hesitantly. She could feel her eyes watering again. Alti's battle was the biggest mistake she had done during her reign and it was still so fresh and vivid…
"Breath Lexa"
Clarke's tone was so gentle and calming that Lexa obliged and inhaled deeply. She repressed a sob and finally answered "Yes. Five days ago I left Alti with what was left of my army and we reached Fredrik four days ago. She was already there, waiting for us. She had come with an entire army more powerful than the one in Alti. We fought"
Seeing the broken chest of the one that was once the Heda, Commander of the coalition, jump uncontrollably with each repressed sob and the alarmed expression on her husband's face, filled Octavia with fear. It was impossible for the commander to lose, for her strong warriors to die. Not like that. Not so easily. Her heart clenched as her plea escaped her mouth "What happened then ? What happened say it !"
Lexa tried to sit on the bed again but this time Clarke didn't stop her. On the contrary she helped her and steadied her by sitting behind her back, maintaining her in a sitting position that wouldn't damage her ribs too much. The brunette needed to face the couple in front of her. She was the only responsible of what happened. What had led to the terrible truth. Lexa took a deep breath and for a moment her Commander grave, piercing gaze was back as she was looking into Octavia and Lincoln's eyes. "We lost. It was a massacre, a perfect trap. They killed all my warriors. And…" Lexa took another deep breath, praying the gods to give her the strength to speak true to the crying mother in front of her "She killed Indra in front of my eyes" She allowed her eyes to fell on her lap and she whispered a broken "I'm sorry" Those words were holding all the regret Lexa could express. It was her fault. SHE led her army to war to get killed and she was sure that by now, the ice queen would be in Polis, claiming the trikru lands, reducing her people into slavery. But once again she couldn't do anything. She was powerless and it was killing her.
Lincoln stood to take his wife in his arms. Octavia was crying silently and the usually strong and intimidating man seemed weak. Lexa, Heda kom trikru had lost in a bloodshed against the worst leader possible and Indra was dead.
Clarke lied Lexa down slowly. The brunette didn't want to look at her. Look at those two blue eyes that one day had looked at her in awe, respect and admiration.
"Lexa. How did you fell in the river ?"
Lexa was feeling weak, like all the energy she had left had just disappeared. "I was fighting on the edge of the cliff when the ground collapsed under my feet. I don't even know how I survived. I fell in the water and the current took me away. The last thing I remember is being thrown on a rock and the feeling of my bones crushing" she stated in a monotonous tone, like nothing mattered anymore and she closed her eyes. She felt a gentle hand on her forehead, then a wet cloth again. She heard the distant voice of Clarke whispering something before drowning in the depths of a dreamless sleep.
So ? How was it ?