Day 94, Midday

*The snow finally started to melt*

*Yes. Days are warmer*

Lincoln smiled *I don't know about yours but mine warmed up a while ago*

Lexa thought and smiled back *You're right*

*I think it actually is the best summer of my life*

Lexa snorted humourlessly *I feel like it's my first in years*

Sorrow crossed Lincoln's features *Costia was all fire and warmth*

*She really was* a nostalgic silence fell but then Lexa added lightly *Do you think they could've been friends ?*

*What ? You mean with Clarke ?* he scoffed.

*Yes*

The man laughed and said *I think they would've tried to kill each other*

Lexa frowned *Why ? Clarke wouldn't hurt someone innocent and Costia was not a violent person*

*Maybe* with a mischievous smile he pursued *But Costia was as competitive as Clarke*

*…And ?*

Lincoln shook his head *How can you be so wise and oblivious at the same time…*

Lexa stood straighter on her horse, her brows knit in irritation, offended *Lincoln, what does that m-*

A scream echoed in the forest.

Lexa kicked her horse and yelled *It was Clarke !* The man rushed behind her *Lincoln, what if it's the nation !?* she asked panicked.

*Lexa, it can be nothing calm down !*

But it wasn't nothing. When they arrived they found Clarke restraining a crying and screaming Octavia on the ground in front of the house.

"Clarke ! What happened !?" But Lexa saw the crushed door and heard the baby cries and the roar and before Clarke could answer Lexa had rushed to the tool's cabin.

Back with a sword she yelled "Lincoln ! Keep Octavia outside !" and she stormed into the house ignoring Clarke's desperate calls.

The bear was a huge. At Lexa's appearance, it stood on its legs to tower her and damaged the ceiling. Frightened, in a single move of its arm it sent the table on a wall. The sound of the wood crashing on the wall startled the animal and Lexa tried to pass by it. The beast noticed and in a roar, it threw a paw at Lexa but she dodged it and reached the cradle.

*Shhh baby shhh* She said taking the little girl in her arms but Selina cried harder.

The bear turned to Lexa. It didn't have much place to move which could have been a good advantage if Lexa wasn't handicapped too. Screw the bear. She would try to take Selina out first. But the beast was standing just in front of the door and the windows were too small for her to pass. She'd have to at least distract it, and in the worst case scenario, fight. She adjusted Selina's position so that she could hold her with just her left arm, and raised the armed one in the bear's direction. The beast roared, stood on its legs again then hit the ground with its forelimb and roared again in intimidation. Lexa had already killed hundreds of men but a bear was an entirely different problem. She could read a warriors next move but a beast was unpredictable. Especially a male in rut, looking for food after its hibernation.

Everything went fast then. The beast finally charged. Lexa dodged the fangs and managed to cut deeply into its arm. It roared again, louder. With fury he threw its valid paw at Lexa faster than she had anticipated, sending her sword fly in the air, badly scratching the girl's face. Lexa's back hit the wall, cutting her breathing rhythm. She paused a moment, panting and dizzy. Blood was burning her eyes and she blinked as fast as she could to clear her view, fortunately quickly enough to see the beast attack again with a renewed vigour and aggressiveness. Miraculously, she dodged and slid on the now bloody ground to reach her sword in the centre of the room. She was still on the ground when the bear threw itself at her.

For the last time.

Lexa, more out of reflex than real reflection, sliced.

A strangled last roar escaped the beast.

She rolled on her side and raised on four legs to protect Selina.

Protect her from the blood shower and the dead, heavy body.

The last thing she registered before blacking out was pushing Selina from under her as far as she could in front of her before collapsing under the dead weight.

Day 99, early evening

"Lexa, hey…"

The brunette turned to look at Octavia from the wooden bench she had built on the river bank a week ago. The young woman had her giggling daughter in her arms.

"Can I um… Can I sit ?" she asked timidly. Lexa just nodded. "Thanks" Octavia sat stiffly, resting Selina on her lap.

Silence fell between the two. A heavy one. The other girl had a story to tell. One that needed to be said and Lexa knew it.

*I am listening, Oktevia from trikru. Speak freely*

Octavia took a deep breath "A year and half ago. When I discovered I was pregnant I… I freaked out" She swallowed thickly "And I…" then exhaled a shaky breath." I grabbed the first knife I found… And almost stabbed myself."

Lexa turned to look at her. She was starting to understand where this was going. She knew by experience (she had seen it happen so many times) that this almost animalistic behaviour could break someone.

"I… I had nothing. We had left camp Jaha a month ago and were living of hunting. We didn't even have a tent…" Octavia's shoulders started shaking and her hold on Selina tightened "So I thought… I just…" She paused to breath and hold her tears "Lincoln stopped me just in time and I felt like I had just stabbed him… I had never seen him so sad, so hurt and *I* was the one that did that to him…" The last words had burnt her throat and freed the restrained tears.

When Lexa gently put a hand on the girl's shoulder, the shaking lightened and the flow of tears slightly slowed down.

She took a few breaths and pursued "After that, we decided we would seriously search a place to settle down. Lincoln had friends in all the region but… you had banished him"

Lexa took her hand back "Octavia-"

"No don't-" the girl cut her "Don't say anything" Lexa gave her a small, short nod and Octavia continued "So his 'friends' were always saying they couldn't help us because they were afraid you'd have them killed for treason"

Yes. Lexa probably would have. Lincoln was her friend, almost her brother but she would've killed him. He and the ones that had helped him. Her authority, her role, her duty would've forced her to.

"Time passed and I… I was becoming sicker and sicker with each day passing. Everything seemed like a malediction. Lincoln was sad. His face was always so blank and depressed and so, SO sad… And it was all my fault." Octavia had to pause again and Lexa thought. The young woman was strong. Indra had been right. "Finally I was going to… give birth" Octavia's words were strangled. She bit her trembling bottom lip and rested her forehead on Selina's head. The little girl, surprised, looked at her mother and Lexa was amazed. The small human being was not even one year old and she could already sense and feel emotions. Selina put both of her tiny hands on her mother's cheeks, looking at her in pure incomprehension. Octavia wiped her eyes and placed a chaste kiss on her daughter's forehead. She held her closer and the girl nuzzled her head in the crook of her mother's neck, worry still painted on her tiny features.

"We were desperate" continued Octavia, eyes lost somewhere far, far away, in her haunting past. "We saw a house. We knocked at the door. And Clarke appeared" A small wet smile lightened the girl's face. An instant later it was gone and replaced by an even darker gaze and a way too hard expression "The delivery was hard. I bled a lot. I was tired and the simple action of breathing was painful, I'm pretty sure I wished to die in that moment. But what was the most terrifying and painful was that I was going to give birth to a child with no future" Then something changed into Octavia. Her tears were running on her cheeks in a steady flow but her gaze was feral, cold and empty "Eventually I made it. I didn't want to touch her, to see her even. Her cries were an unbearable suffering for me. I fell asleep wishing I would never open my eyes again" She paused, searching for words she knew was there but somehow couldn't find. Inevitably she did "But I woke up. And after a week, when I finally held her for the first time when the others were outside, I realised how fragile this existence was. How easy it would be. Easy to just…" she paused. Her next words, silent, escaped her mouth in a breath, in sync with a single tear "get rid of it"

Lexa didn't know what to do or what to say. All she could do was watch and listen. Watch a girl crumbling under a weight she shouldn't be carrying. But. Unfortunately she was but she was doing it heroically, that, Lexa was sure of it.

*You could have but you didn't*

Octavia snorted "I'm a monster. I seriously wished she was dead, I would've killed her myself"

*Yes but you didn't. You faced your fears. You recognized and accepted your responsibilities. It is brave*

Lexa could tell because she knew. Knew the feeling of having the power of a god, the power to decide if one should live or die.

The flow of tears on the girls cheeks intensified again and her whole body convulsed "When… You know when I had my hand on her throat and that she… She started crying… I just realised-" Octavia sobbed loudly, startling Selina "I realised she was alive and I… I did not killed her because it was bad but because I just could not" A crazy, humourless smile grew on her face "If she is alive today it is not because she… She is my daughter like it should be but just because SHE was innocent. I was the only one at fault !"

Selina gripped at her mother's clothes tightly and started crying, feeling a pain she could not quite understand yet. It brought Octavia back to reality. She calmly rubbed Selina's back and Lexa couldn't tell which one the movement was supposed to sooth. The little girl calmed down quickly and Octavia's breathing returned to an even pace.

"I thought I would have to deal with it my whole life. But Clarke. Clarke she… She managed to make me realise. Realise that the only weight I should bear was the weight of my responsibilities. Building a future to this girl, keeping her safe was my duty and what I should live for instead of blaming myself, wishing nothing ever happened, that she was there now and I couldn't change that" Silence fell. Lexa was going to say something but Octavia cut her "Then you appeared. And…" She wiped her eyes and snorted "It was like magic, an easy way out. I blamed you. I blamed you for leaving us to die at the mountain. I blamed you for banishing Lincoln. I blamed you for being you, all proud and strong and fierce and merciless" She paused again, then looked at Lexa in the eyes for the first time "But I was wrong" Octavia stood, put Selina on Lexa's lap and kneeled down in front of her. Her forehead on the ground she said "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Commander. Please forgive me Lexa, I was wrong" The girl was all sobs and thick tears when she added "Please forgive me, don't kill me. She needs me. I am so, SO sorry Heda…"

Lexa swallowed back the wave compassion she felt for the girl deep inside and straightened her back. Octavia had offered the commander her apologies. The commander had to be the one to receive them so she said humbly *Stand, Oktevia. You have nothing to fear from me. Raise your head and be proud. Unless a lot of women, you realised how heavy a life could be. But instead of running away you faced it. You are brave, Oktevia from trikru. Your apologies and sincere feelings touched me. You are forgiven. Now stand*

Octavia stood but with difficulty, her knees weak "Thank you. Thank you." She repeated it again and again, sobbing from time to time. Then she heard a giggle.

Finally, she came back to reality once again and calmed down. Lexa motioned to the spot she had been occupying a minute ago. She was preparing to give Selina back to Octavia but the girl shook her head.

"It seems she likes you" she said with a small smile. "She's quicker than me. Reading into you I mean. It took me some time but finally, after you saved Selina, I understood. I questioned myself and understood how hard your everyday life had been until then. I also fully understood Clarke too and the connexion between you two. You both knew. The real value of life and how heavy it is. I'm a mother now and even with a life to protect I still… I can't imagine how hard it must be to hold hundreds of lives in your hands" Lexa said nothing so Octavia added "That is why you, leaders are here right ? Bearing it for us. At war, the army might be your gun but because you're the one pulling the trigger, you're the only responsible, I understand that now and I admire you"

A few people could understand Lexa. Fewer were those that were not leaders themselves. She was touched. She looked directly into Octavia's eyes and offered a small, genuine smile *Thank you*

It must have startled Octavia because she quickly averted her eyes and nervously scratched the back of her head "Now that I think about it, I haven't said it yet" she turned back to Lexa and bowed "Thank you for saving my daughter"

"You are welcome"

"So… how's your face ?" asked Octavia, her nervousness back.

Lexa smirked. "Hurts"

"I find it kinda cool like that" At Lexa's knitted eyebrows Octavia added "No, I mean, you had a pretty face before and all" Lexa amused at the girl's nervous behaviour raised a questioning eyebrow and Octavia stood, and talked, gesticulating "No but, Ugh … You see you had beautiful features but now.. No ! Wait ! I don't mean you're less beautiful now than before just tha-"

Lexa's laugh cut the girl's ridiculous speech. "I do not care about the marks on my face Octavia." She paused "And you should breath"

Octavia released a breath she didn't know she was holding "Oh… Ok. Ok good. Just…" She nervously scratched the back of her head, her eyes anywhere but in Lexa's direction "You look cool"

Lexa smiled again And the girl stiffly sat back down next to her and a comfortable silence fell.

Lexa, was still recovering from her fight against the bear. Three deep cuts were crossing her face. On her forehead, a small one, not too profound but important enough to leave a mark. The deepest and largest one was extending from the arch of her right eyebrow to the bottom of her left cheek. Her right eye was miraculously safe but the cut on her nose and cheek was deep and would probably leave an ugly visible scar for sure. Finally the last cut, not as deep as the second one but probably as striking, was extending from the bottom of her right ear to her chin. Besides her face, two of her ribs got broken again and she had damaged her leg when she slid on the ground during the fight.

But it wasn't the worst. Even after five days, Lexa couldn't chase away the two fearful blue eyes that looked at her when she woke up under the dead bear. Two blue eyes that, and she was sure of it, were just echoing her own fear.

For the first time in years, Lexa had feared death.

The beating of the girl's heart quickened slightly and a chill ran down her spine at the thought. She recovered quickly though and said, for Octavia as much as herself "Selina is alright and that is the only thing that counts"

But the little girl suddenly started crying then and Octavia laughed at Lexa's confused expression.

"She's hungry" the mother stood and took her daughter in her arms. The kid stopped crying, perfectly knowing her need would be satisfied in no time "I'm going home. You comin' ?"

*I will join you later*

"Ok"

Lexa stayed on the bench until the sun had set, her mind boiling with thoughts and emotions.

Day 112

"You drew that ?" asked Lexa, pointing to the book on Clarke's lap.

The blonde quickly closed the huge book and turned to Lexa "Heeeey… Lexa, Hi ! What are you doing here ?"

Clarke was obviously embarrassed and Lexa fought the urge to roll her eyes at the oh so childish behaviour. "I was looking for you. I'm finished with the stables and Octavia and Lincoln wanted a moment together so I came here"

"Oh" she just said. Then she frowned and added "Why are you always so silent by the way !? You literally scared the hell out of me !"

Lexa was still not used to sky people typical expressions but she knew this one and, let's admit it, she felt a little proud. "I wanted to surprise you" but the brunette wouldn't drop the interesting conversation so easily "What is this book ? I have never seen it before ? Is it new ?"

"Wow Lexa please, one question at time"

Lexa sat cross legged on the grass next to the blonde, looking at her expectantly, her eyes screaming 'you can't run away now so spit the truth'.

Clarke rolled her eyes and sighed. It was too late to hide her secret from Lexa. "This" she put the heavy book on Lexa's lap "Is the first thing Bran offered me. One day he saw me draw on a rock with some chalk I had found. One week later, he came back from the town with this book and all the pages were blank. He taught me how I could make my own charcoal and use it. Open it"

Lexa did as said and what she saw troubled her. On the page, a few sketches of what the blonde called the drop ship. A few pages later, after a series of forest and animal drawings (even a double headed deer), a double page, filled with faces. Clarke's friends, Octavia and the Bellamy boy included were on the next page. Landscapes as well as dead people and actions Lexa didn't know a thing about were scrolling under her eyes. Everything was so well done and precise, so real. The brunette turned a few more pages and something tightened in her chest. A complex, detailed drawing of the drop ship but this time it was circled by ashes.

Clarke cleared her throat "I um… I compiled all the things that happened to me since I came down…"

Lexa, barely hearing her, turned a few more pages and she saw Lincoln. Lincoln, attached and being tortured. Then a page later, Lincoln and Octavia. When one drawing was filled with sadness, the other seemed full of hope. The brunette continued to rapidly turn the pages until her eyes caught a glimpse of someone she knew. Used to know. Anya, sitting straight on her horse, on the bridge Lexa had sent her to. In a hurry, the girl turned the pages quickly. After pictures of the interior of the mountain, mountain men, Clarke's friends and caged grounders, finally she found what she was looking for. A whole page filled with sketches of Anya.

Lexa could feel rage and sadness swirl inside her. But out of nowhere, a hand reached and turned the page for her. On it, Anya again, sitting on the ground, her back on a tree trunk, no war paint on her face. She seemed relaxed, her eyes lost somewhere. Under the drawing in beautiful trigedasleng letters she could read 'Yu gonplei ste odon'.

Lexa rapidly turned to Clarke, eyes glossy and brows furrowed *When did she-* but the blonde's finger on her lips shut her.

"I… Kinda invented. I wanted her to look as human as possible. Maybe I was mistaking-"

Lexa had rapidly placed the book on the ground in front of her and was hugging Clarke tightly. "Thank you. For her. Thank you"

They stayed like that for a few moments but Clarke gently pulled back, clearing her throat. "Ok, just continue"

Lexa retrieved the book and after a few landscapes and drawings of the ark, people she didn't recognize, something familiar finally appeared. Gustus. Fierce, authoritarian and intimidating. She looked at the blonde.

She shrugged and with a small smile she said "Sorry. He wasn't really super friendly when we first met so…"

Lexa smiled "Do not worry Clarke. It really is… resembling"

Clarke smiled back until… Until Lexa got to the next page. The blonde quickly put her hand on the corner to hide something.

Lexa raised an eyebrow but momentarily dropped it and looked at… Herself. The very first time Clarke and herself had met. She was on her throne, her knife in her hands. She looked powerful, rigid and kind of… scary actually. Which was a good thing but for some reason it pained her "Is that how you see me ?"

"Of course not. Not anymore. But at that time, I was seriously trembling in fear" she said in a laugh and Lexa relaxed.

The brunette gently grabbed the hand Clarke had on the book. But the blonde didn't want to move "Clarke…" Lexa said as a warning.

The blonde sighed "Don't laugh ok ?"

Lexa nodded and Clarke took back her hand. And the brunette saw the words 'You're the one'. She looked back at the blonde with a small grin and a raised eyebrow.

Clarke crossed her arms on her chest "It was your first words to me. Of course I wrote them down. I wrote a lot of other things everywhere too ! I'm sure you saw it so don't act so surprised. There's more than that-" Clarke straightened her back, took a menacing face "You're the one that burnt three hundred of my warriors alive"

Lexa laughed openly and, imitating Clarke too she said "You're the one who send them there to kill us"

Clarke's eyes opened wide "You remember ?"

Lexa frowned "Of course I do."

Clarke licked her lips and averted her eyes saying "Go on, there's more"

More indeed. More of Lexa. She was almost on every pages after that. Sometimes in a full page, sometimes just as a small sketch in a corner. The brunette could remember everything. The Pauna, TonDC, Gustus, TonDC again and… The afternoon before the mountain in the tent. Lexa turned at Clarke and she was sure she had never seen the blonde's cheeks so red before.

"What ? It happened. It's a compilation of my life on the ground, of course I drew it too, as well as my friends and the people I killed"

Things were starting to be interesting for Lexa. The situation could be amusing. So she teased "I did not say anything Clarke. Drawing you kissing me is not a surprise. It happened"

The blonde's jaw dropped and she slapped Lexa's shoulder "Hey ! YOU kissed me !"

"I did." She said seriously, the light mood dropping a little. But then she shrugged and added in a fake sad tone "And you pulled back and said not yet"

Clarke shifted uncomfortably "Yeah well, talking about 'not yet'…"

Lexa had hoped for something positive but when the blonde pointed a tiny note in a corner saying 'Not yet' her heart sank.

She made a sad, pouting face and said "It is mean Clarke"

"Not more than you on the next page" and she crossed her arms again.

Indeed. Lexa with paint and blood dripping on her face, in full war gear, her eyes cold and distant.

Serious and grave she started "Clarke…"

"Hush. Shut up and turn"

It took Lexa aback so the blonde just flipped the pages herself until she found the one she drew the day she found Lexa on the river bank.

"Here. Start back from here"

Then Lexa could recognize everything. She had lived or witnessed every single page : her first bath, the bed she had made, and even herself sitting next to Commander.

"Here on the ground you don't have photos and… I like to have something to remember things and events. People…"

Lexa nodded in understanding. "It is well done. You are talented Clarke"

The brunette skipped a few pages to find the one the girl was drawing before she came.

"No wait ! This one is not finished !"

But Lexa pushed Clarke away from the book. It was a portrait of her with three scars and war paint on her face. Lexa frowned, confused "This never happened"

The blonde paused then seriously she said "Yet. Not yet."