DISCLAIMER: I OWN NEITHER HARRY POTTER NOR FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST!

Chapter Nine

Ed barely made it in time to the North Tower where Divination class took place. He sat down by Harry, Ron, and Al.

"It's hot in here," Ed said, pulling his shirt collar away from his neck.

"It always is," Harry said.

"I know it is," Ed said. "But…"

"But Ed was snogging with Winry," Ron grinned.

"Shut up!" Ed hissed, blushing as Al chuckled.

But before Harry or Ron could say anything, Professor Trelawney emerged from wherever she was.

"Good day," Trelawney said in her usual misty, dreamy voice. "And welcome back to Divination. I have, of course, been following your fortunes most carefully over the holidays, and am delighted to see that you have all returned to Hogwarts safely - as, of course, I knew you would. You will find on the tables before you copies of The Dream Oracle, by Inigo Imago. Dream interpretation is a most important means of divining the future and one that may very probably be tested in your O.W.L. Not, of course, that I believe examination passes or failures are of the remotest importance when it comes to the sacred art of divination. If you have the Seeing Eye, certificates and grades matter very little. However, the headmaster likes you to sit the examination, so…"

Her voice trailed away delicately, leaving them all in no doubt that Professor Trelawney considered her subject above such sordid matters as examinations.

"Turn, please, to the introduction and read what Imago has to say on the matter of dream interpretation," Trelawney continued. "Then divide into pairs. Use The Dream Oracle to interpret each other's most recent dreams. Carry on."

The one good thing to be said for this lesson was that it was not a double period. By the time they had all finished reading the introduction of the book, they had barely ten minutes left for dream interpretation. Ed had obviously paired up with Al and Harry with Ron.

"Brother, why don't you go this time?" Harry overheard Al ask Ed.

"I don't wanna," Ed said. "You go."

"You always have me do the work," Al complained.

"Get over it," Ed said.

"I bet you were having a naughty dream with Winry in it," Al teased.

Ed's face turned red.

"AL!" Ed hissed as Al laughed. "That's not funny!"

"But it's true, isn't it?" Al asked.

"Al, you better shut up, or I'll make you shut up," Ed threatened.

Al forced himself to stop laughing as he tried to think of a dream to tell.

"Well, I had a dream once that Pegasus turned into an actual Pegasus horse with wings and a golden horn," Al said.

"Al, that's a unicorn," Ed said.

"Unicorns don't have golden horns or wings," Ron said. "Hagrid and Grubbly-Plank had unicorns last year, remember?"

"Oh, yeah, right," Ed said. "But according to mythology, Pegasus only has wings and not a golden horn."

"Well," Al said, "it looked like one to me, and it was nice."

"Al, you've got to stop watching so much girly shows before bed," Ed remarked.

"I don't watch girly shows!" Al protested. "I really dreamed it!"

"Fine," Ed said. "You dreamed that your cat turned into a flying horse. You know, Al, that's a dream you would have."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Al asked, offended.

"Nothing," Ed brushed off. "Don't worry about it."

As homework, Trelawney set them the task of keeping a dream diary for a month.

"D'you realize how much homework we've got already?" Ron complained as he, Harry, Ed, and Al had left the Divination classroom and went on their way to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. "Binns set us a foot-and-a-half-long essay on giant wars, Snape wants a foot on the use of moonstones, and now we've got a month's dream diary from Trelawney! I don't know how you could handle it last year, Ed. I mean, that on top of the tournament."

"Well, I'm not gonna lie and say that it's not a bitch, because it is a bitch," Ed said.

"I hope Umbridge had better not give us any," Ron said.

"Well, Winry said that Umbridge had her class read," Ed said.

"Was that before or after you snogged her?" Ron asked.

"SHUT UP!" Ed yelled.

Ron laughed. When they entered the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, they found Professor Umbridge already seated at the teacher's desk, wearing the fluffy pink cardigan of the night before and the black velvet bow on top of her head. The class was quiet as it entered the room; Professor Umbridge was, as yet, an unknown quantity and nobody knew yet how strict a disciplinarian she was likely to be.

"Doesn't look much like a frog, does she?" Ed remarked.

Ron and Harry sniggered as Hermione sent them glares.

"Well, good afternoon!" said Umbridge when the whole class finally sat down.

A few people mumbled 'Good Afternoon' in reply. Harry and Ron snickered when Ed added, "Toad woman."

Umbridge sent a glare towards Ed and then said, "Tut, tut. That won't do, now, will it? I should like you, please, to reply 'Good afternoon, Professor Umbridge.' One more time, please. Good afternoon, class!"

"Good afternoon, Professor Umbridge," the class chanted back.

"There, now," said Umbridge sweetly. "That wasn't too difficult, now was it? Wands away and quills out, please."

The students put their wands away, Ed and Al didn't since they didn't even take it out in the first place, and got their quills, ink, and parchment out. Then Umbridge got her wand out, a small one, and tapped the board sharply. Words appeared at once:

Defense Against The Dark Arts

A Return to Basic Principles

Umbridge started to lecture about the constant change of teachers while everyone wrote. When everyone wrote what was on the board, she gave it another tap. New words appeared:

Course Aims:

1.) Understanding the principles

underlying defensive magic

2.) Learning to recognized situations

in which defensive magic can legally be used

3.) Placing the use of defensive

magic in a context for practical use

The students wrote some more. After writing, Umbridge had them get out their copies of Wilbert Slinkhard's 'Defensive Magical Theory' and read chapter one. Then Umbridge went to her desk, sat down, and observed everyone with her pouchy toad eyes.

After reading the same sentence half a dozen times, Harry looked to his left and seen Ron absentmindedly turning his quill over and over in his fingers, staring at the same spot on the page. Ed wasn't reading the book and neither was Al. They were both doodling in their books. And when Harry looked to his right, he saw that Hermione wasn't reading the book. He couldn't remember a time when she didn't want to read. Harry looked at her in a questioning way, but she shook her head to indicate that she wasn't going to answer any questions.

Harry looked to the front of the class where Umbridge was looking in another direction. Ed and Al looked at Hermione as well and then at Harry. Harry shrugged his shoulders. A few moments later, everyone was looking at Hermione, who was staring at Umbridge. Umbridge decided that she couldn't ignore Hermione anymore.

"Did you want to ask something about the chapter, dear?" asked Umbridge.

"Not about the chapter, no," said Hermione.

"Well, we're reading just now," said Umbridge. "If you have other queries, we can deal with them at the end of class."

"I've got a query about your course aims," said Hermione.

Umbridge raised her eyebrows and said, "And your name is?"

"Hermione Granger," said Hermione.

"Well, Miss Granger, I think the course aims are perfectly clear if you read them through carefully," said Umbridge.

"Well, I don't," said Hermione, bluntly. "There's nothing written up there about using defensive spells."

There was a short silence in which many members of the class turned their heads to frown at the three course aims still written on the blackboard.

"Using defensive spells?" Umbridge repeated with a little laugh. "Why, I can't imagine any situation arising in my classroom that would require you to use a defensive spell, Miss Granger. You surely aren't expecting to be attacked during class?"

"Aren't we supposed to learn the spells instead of just reading about them?" Al spoke up.

"Students raise their hands when they wish to speak in my class, Mr. -?" Umbridge said.

"Elric," Al said, without raising his hand.

Umbridge, still smiling more widely, turned her back on him. Harry was shocked to hear a small growl emanate from Al. Then Harry and Hermione raised their hands. Umbridge looked at Harry and then at Hermione.

"Yes, Miss Granger?" Umbridge asked. "You wanted to ask something else?"

"It's as Alphonse said," Hermione said. "The whole point of Defense Against the Dark Arts is to practice defensive spells."

"Are you a Ministry-trained educational expert, Miss Granger?" Umbridge asked in her falsely sweet voice.

"No, but -!" Hermione started.

"Well then, I'm afraid you are not qualified to decide what the 'whole point' of any class is," Umbridge interrupted. "Wizards much older and cleverer than you have devised our new program of study. You will be learning about defensive spells in a secure, risk-free way - ."

Umbridge was cut off by Ed laughing. Umbridge looked at Ed as he laughed.

"What do you find so funny, Mr. Elric?" Umbridge asked.

"You know, Professor Toad Face?" Ed started.

"Umbridge," Umbridge corrected.

"Whatever," Ed brushed off. "What I was going to say is that I wasn't going to say anything, but since you're sounding so STUPID, I just can't help myself."

"Stupid, Mr. Elric?" Umbridge asked.

"Yeah, because everybody knows that nothing is absolutely secure or risk-free," Ed pointed out. "Even in classrooms or at jobs or whatever. There is insecurity and risk everywhere! So, I suggest you either get your head out of your ass or -."

"Mr. Elric, if you keep speaking that way towards me, I shall give you detention," said Umbridge.

"Will you really, or is that just an empty threat?" Ed asked. "I mean, how can I know if you're bein' serious if you say that we're gonna be safe here from attacks? Tell me, Professor Toad Face -."

Umbridge went to her desk and sat down, pulling pink parchment towards her as she did so. She called Ed to her desk as she wrote. Ed went to her desk.

"Take this to Professor McGonagall, dear," Umbridge said, holding out a sealed piece of pink parchment to Ed.

"Fine, Toad Face," Ed said.

Then he went to his, Al's, Harry's, Ron's, and Hermione's table and got his bag and book and left to go to McGonagall's office. A few minutes later, Ed was at McGonagall's office and barged in without knocking. McGonagall was looking over the summer homework of her third years when Ed had come in unannounced, making her look at him in shock.

"Mr. Elric, haven't you heard of knocking?" McGonagall asked, irritated.

"Yeah, but knocking is overrated," Ed answered.

"What have you come here for?" McGonagall asked.

Ed went to her desk and lay the pink scroll on top of the papers she was going through. McGonagall picked up the scroll as Ed sat down in the chair in front of her desk and sat the bag down beside his feet. McGonagall unsealed it and read it, her lips becoming thin.

"Elric, you certainly know how to make enemies," McGonagall said.

"I know," Ed sighed. "It's a pity, isn't it?"

"Elric, I am not 'joking around'," McGonagall said. "Professor Umbridge has given you a week's worth of detention for disrespecting her in her own classroom."

"She deserved it," Ed said.

"Whether or not she deserved it, Elric, you do not call your teachers names like 'Professor Toad Face'," McGonagall scolded, the edge of her mouth twitching. "You need to respect -."

"I'll only respect those who earn my respect," Ed interrupted. "I'm sure Teacher or Colonel Mustang told you that before."

"Don't forget, Elric," McGonagall warned, "the Ministry is interfering in Hogwarts as you very well may know, and you could be a target. You need to be careful. And that goes for Miss Rockbell and Alphonse."

"Just worry about yourself, Professor," Ed said, standing and grabbing his bag and flinging it over his shoulder. "When do I start my detentions?"

"Tomorrow at five," McGonagall answered. "Her office. Be careful."

"As I said, don't worry about me," Ed said, then waving. "Later."

Then Ed left the office.

McGonagall sighed.

"That boy," McGonagall said.