Please don't hate me...
Day 163, early morning
"DON'T TOUCH ME !"
"Clarke…"
"Fuck you Lexa ! And fuck Octavia too ! Even Lincoln, fuck EVERYBODY !"
Lexa extended an arm to grab Clarke's arm and spin her so that she could see her face and Oh what a face it was… The blonde was all tears and pain and despair and Lexa's heart broke for what felt like the hundredth time in these past hours.
"Clarke"
The girl tried to free her arm but Lexa's grip was firm "Let me go Lexa !" But the brunette put her arm around Clarke's waist and pulled her closer. "NO ! Lexa don't-" the blonde struggled but she was way too exhausted to win against Lexa's strong arms.
"Breath Clarke"
"Shut up ! You knew ! You all knew and you said NOTHING ! And I thought I meant something to you !"
Clarke didn't mean it. Of course she didn't. Lexa knew it. But it was still so, so painful to hear. Her voice was barely above a broken whisper when she earnestly said "You do Clarke. You do… mean something for us. Please now listen to me"
But Clarke kept struggling, kicking and punching Lexa with all the force her tired limbs could show "No ! Fuck you Lexa ! Let go of me !"
Lexa released Clarke's arm to hug her as tightly as she could. Eventually, exhaustion and the iron, almost painful embrace won and Clarke's whole body relaxed, putting all her weight on Lexa and silence fell, only randomly broken by a weak sob or a sniffle. Lexa lowered herself and Clarke so they could rest on their knees.
"Breath Clarke"
After a moment, the blonde buried her face in Lexa's neck and grabbed her shirt. "Why ?"
Clarke's voice was weak and broken, tired. "There is no reason for those things to happen. It just happens"
"I feel like death is everywhere Lexa and I'm scared…"
Clarke was right. Death is everywhere. But so is life "You are not responsible Clarke"
The blonde snorted "Of course I am. I'm a doctor. I could have done something"
One of Lexa's hands came up to gently caress the back of Clarke's bare head "Your mother was a doctor Clarke, not you. And the very reason you are here crying now is because you know you could not have done anything"
"Still, why not telling me ?" Clarke pulled back and Lexa drowned herself in those cold grey eyes. The girl looked so exhausted, so weak.
"It was Octavia and Lincoln's will. They wanted to arrive here as soon as possible and they assumed that you would have wanted to stay in Polis and try to find a cure instead of heading to Entis"
Clarke closed her eyes "I'm scared Lexa. I'm scared because of all the blood I already have on my hands and the ghosts of those I killed haunting me. And now my friends are dying and I can't do anything"
Lexa cupped her cheeks "I know" Yes she knew far too well how it was to feel the breath of death on the nape of her neck constantly. She knew the shadows and the whispers. She knew the pain. She leaned her forehead on the blonde's *I wish could release you, bear it for you*
Clarke shook her head *You have too much weight to carry already, even if you could I wouldn't let you*
Silence fell again and Lexa pulled back. Clarke's eyes were still closed and her cheeks resting in the warmth of her palms. Again Lexa wanted nothing more than just kiss her, prove her that life was there too like Clarke did for her not so long ago, and somehow maybe comfort her. Instead she lowered her hands, gently puling Clarke's face down and kissed the top of her head.
Then she stood and looking away she said "Maybe we can't save Lincoln but we have a chance to save our people and we will do what we have to" she looked at Clarke, extending a hand and she hoped the blonde would take it. "I will train you. It will take as long as it takes but I will not let you approach the queen unprepared"
Lexa saw a blue light shine in the grey and Clarke grabbed her hand.