"Welcome ladies and gentlemen!" he called, fluttering his fingers to the crowd below him. "I am Sandy, your presenter for the night! I apologise for the wait, now… are you ready for the auction?" He smirked. The crowd roared.

"Well, let's begin without delay shall we? First up we have…" he glanced at the list, "Lucueva!" The crowd cheered as a man was dragged to the centre of the stage. "He's strong, perfect for carrying things…" Sanji babbled on, feeling acid rise against the back of his throat. Separate the mind from the mouth, he thought. Don't feel anything. Don't stumble. Don't fuck up. The mantra rolled through his head, numbing his senses and icing his nerves. The crowd gasped suddenly as the prisoner kneeled forward, face slamming into the floor with an ugly smack. Sanji could barely resist flinching.

"He bit his tongue to kill himself!" He heard someone gasp in the crowd. He snapped his fingers, drawing to attention the guards standing at the stage.

"Take him away," Sanji hissed, leaning out of the microphone and addressing the guards. He lifted the program and continued on his announcing.

"Hey that presenter is pretty hot," Ace leaned to murmur in Zoro's ear. Zoro rolled his eyes. Most of their friends were decked out in the seats too, watching the stage and waiting for Hatchan's friend to be rescued. In the meantime, if the rescue was a failure, they all agreed to pitch in their money together to try and buy the Mermaid back.

"Mhm." Trust Ace to comment about the presenter, not the dude who rolled over and dropped dead.

"No, seriously!" Ace pulled at his friend's arm. "Just look for a sec will you?" Reluctantly, Zoro shifted his gaze to the presenter Ace was drooling over. He blinked at the figure and leaned forward, frowning and focusing his vision. His freckled friend grinned, leaning on the arm rest and smirking.

"Am I right?" Zoro took a little more time scrutinising the presenter before answering slowly.

"She looks familiar… somehow," he said, cringing inwardly about how cliché the words sounded. Ace wriggled his eyebrows filthily before digging Zoro in the ribs with his elbow.

"You interested?"

"No, seriously Ace look-"

"Dude, it's the first time you've been interested in a girl before!" Ace crowed. "Let me help you get laid!"

"Ace you idiot!" Zoro hissed, rubbing his temples with one hand and seizing Ace's chin with another. "She looks like someone we know!" Finally, Ace calmed down enough to come to terms with Zoro's words and offered a more thoughtful check upon the presenter.

"She… kind of does." He scratched his head, scowling. "Zoro, you're fucking me over. I thought she was hot but now…" He groaned, stretching his arms over his head. Zoro snorted.

"You'll find someone else soon enough."

"Who?" Ace pouted.

"Anyone. Everyone. You're a lady's man. I'll stop before your ego splits open the roof." Zoro laughed as Ace punched him in the arm.

"Sanji is a lady's man! I'm…" Ace stopped. "Wait." He turned to the presenter, looked back at Zoro and his mouth dropped. He stifled his mouth and doubled over before raucous laughter could interrupt the auction. His shoulders shook.

"What?" Zoro demanded.

"What if…" Ace heaved then descended into more silent guffaws. He clutched his sides and tears began to spill down his cheeks. All he could manage was a few gestures towards the blonde woman before he clamped his mouth shut again.

"Ugh." The green haired man sighed, looking back to the oddly familiar stranger and trying to solve the puzzle himself. He looked down at Ace, who opened his mouth to speak again.

"What if… she… Sanji…" Ace choked out. Zoro's eyes widened.

No. Fucking. Way.

That's why she looked so familiar?!

"No way," he whispered, looking at the trembling form of Ace.

"Yes way," his friend choked out. Ace broke out into fresh giggles and it wasn't long before Zoro joined.

"Will you stop laughing?" a harsh whisper from behind them made the two turn their heads. "You're going to draw attention to yourselves you idiots!" Nami raised her clenched fist, eyes flashing.

"Yes ma'am," they replied, a sudden chill running down their spine.

"That was nothing to laugh about! Someone just killed themselves!"

"Yeah, we get it Nami. We're weren't laughing at him though. It was something else," Zoro chipped in.

"And would you care to share what you found so entertaining?" Nami grinned ominously.

"Nope. You'd probably find it gross." Ace waved, dismissing the topic. She sighed.

"Alright then. Just shut up for the rest of the auction."

Sanji sighed as the goons brought out another soon-to-be slave. He was tired of this. Tired of pretending to be happy to sell people off to their doom. He was tired of pretending. Tired of being a woman. Tired of doing this whole damn cursed job! Would his friends be here watching? Or would they be waiting in the shadows? He scanned the sea of faces, praying they would be here but not recognise him. He spotted two peculiar figures, both sitting awkwardly on their seats, hunched as if their stomachs were in pain. How strange. Did they get food poisoning? Then they raised their heads and pointed fingers in his direction.

Something clicked.

Fuck me.

It couldn't be any worse than these two idiots finding out.

The marimo and Ace.

They were laughing.

Very, very hard.

At him.

But he couldn't do anything right now, dammit! He has to ride this out while ignoring the dumb pair. He ground his teeth for a moment. When he raised his eyes, he saw Nami-san talking to them! No! He couldn't let his angel find out about his cover. Sanji silently prayed that the two didn't reveal his identity.

"Ma'am, the audience is waiting." A guard tapped Sanji's shoulder.

"Ah yes…" he muttered dazedly, glancing back at the list. "Our next person is the wonderful…"

Alternative ending suggested for the lols:

"Sanji is a lady's man! I'm…" Ace stopped. "Wait." He turned to the presenter, looked back at Zoro and his mouth dropped. They paused, a realisation dawning upon them.

"Ace, you're pretty fucking gay you know that?" Ace punched Zoro's shoulder.

"Shut up! You have to admit Sanji looks fucking hot!"

"Only you would notice that."

"I appreciate all forms of beauty, like a true man. Besides," Ace raised an eyebrow, "I'm pretty sure you were checking him out too right? Am I right? Yeah?" He repeatedly dug his elbows in Zoro's ribs.

"Fuck off Ace," Zoro scowled. "It's only 'cause you were drooling all over him in the beginning."

"I wasn't!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!" Ace began shoving Zoro.

"Did too!" Zoro shoved back.

"Will you shut the fuck up before I whip your asses?" a fierce whisper from behind them made the two turn their heads. Nami raised her clenched fists.

"Yes ma'am," they simultaneously replied.

"What were you even arguing about anyways?"

"Nothing," they both replied again. There was no way in hell they were going to share this. It was their fantastic piece of blackmail and they felt they would reveal this information with the greatest flare to see the expression on everyone else's face.

But in all due time.

Thanks for reading! XD

If you feel it, please review and voice your opinions :) It'd be greatly appreciated.