I'm sorry for the late update guys but ugh you know... life and school... I probably won't be able to update more than one time every two weeks so and I'm sorry for that.

Also, some people said that the last chapter was too fuffy and I agree but it had been made to go with this one (and reread the title of the last chapter and you should understand why it was so 'out of character' or fluffy). Plus there is a reason to why some very important stuff are barely explained or just seems 'rushed' because the chapter is short or there's no details to explain the how of the what. You'll understand everything in the last chapter I promise so, just wait a little and don't think I skipped some stuff because I was lazy. The end of this story is planned since chapter 3 and, some details put aside, I'm following what I had decided.

Anyway I hope you'll like this chapter and those coming next as much as you loved the first.

Day 195

"Lexa… I want a tattoo"

The poor brunette choked on her boar "Wh- *cough* What !?"

"Yes. I've been thinking about it for a while now."

Lexa frowned "But it's for warriors."

Clarke raised a defying eyebrow "And what do you think I am ?"

It hit Lexa like one of Luna's best kicks. Suddenly her stomach and chest felt heavy. How ? How had she forgotten about that ? Clarke became warrior the moment she put a foot on the ground. But at some point Lexa had forgotten. For a moment Clarke had become a farmer, almost a housewife and a mother. And now little by little Clarke was climbing back on her throne and it was Lexa's fault. How was she realising that just now ? She should have known, she should have come here alone, she should have-

"For god's sake Lexa please stop thinking !"

"But Cl-"

"NO !" Clarke almost yelled "I don't want to hear that. I know what you're thinking and I'm telling you : the past cannot be changed so be happy with the present you have and your possible future. *I* chose to come with you even when you told me not to. *I* chose my path" She stood from her chair only to kneel down in front of Lexa and taking her hands she said "Nothing is your fault Lexa. So please let me get a tattoo…"

"THIS. Is the most RIDICULOUS teenager rebellion I have ever seen…"

Clarke sighed "We were having a moment Octavia."

"You on your knees in front of Lexa ? Could have been." Clarke looked profoundly shocked and offended and Lexa wondered why. "But honestly it was so pitiful I HAD to intervene I'm sorry…"

"But I want a tattoo !"

How this scene that started as something way too serious ended up as one of Clarke/Octavia's typical gag scenes, Lexa didn't know but she wasn't complaining. Finally the brunette sighed "You can have a tattoo."

"Really ?" Clarke looked too much like a little girl. And she called herself a warrior…

"Yes. I will tattoo what you want."

The blonde frowned and Octavia chuckled "You ?"

"Yes. If we were in Polis I would take you to my tattooist but we are not and I do not trust an artist I do not know."

The truth, and Octavia knew it, was that being tattooed by someone else than a tattooist or a member of the family was forbidden. Except… Lovers. Lincoln had given her her tattoo. She wondered if the blonde knew.

Clarke blushed furiously but nodded.

Yes she definitely knew. Octavia sighed. The blonde was so obvious, why was Lexa so oblivious seriously ?

"Here we are. Where do you want it ?"

Clarke's eyes widened "Where ?"

"Your tattoo."

"Oh… Yeah of course." She shook her head and laughed and Lexa didn't understand wondered if it was another sky people thing. "My right hand. I want it to cover my hand like gloves, wait I drew a model."

On the paper Clarke gave to Lexa, was a complex mix of lines and curves and spirals. It was beautiful. It would cover the back of the hand and fingers and would extend until a few inches above the wrist.

"It is very refined."

"Three hundred. There are three hundred lines."

The number sounded terribly familiar "Clarke you don't have to-"

"But I want to. I burned them alive. They were human and I burned them alive. Their blood is on my hands and here-" she took out another paper "is for my palm. Twelve lines for Finn's kill and the rest is for the mountain men. Finn killed for me and this hand pulled the lever that killed the families in mount weather."

It was crazy. "It will hurt."

"I don't care"

Lexa swallowed thickly. It would take them hours. But the blonde smiled at her and she agreed "Fine. But it will be long. Maybe we will need a few days. I am not sure your skin, especially your palm can take it in only one time."

"It's ok with me. But then you should start now, I still need training after all."

And Clarke laughed for the last time in the next seven hours.

Four days later the tattoo was finished and it came out even better than on Clarke's drawing. And it suited the girl pretty well.

"Lexa… Before you tidy everything up um… Could you tattoo something on my left hand too ? It's just a little thing. Oh and I could like to give you a tattoo too. To thank you."

"I agree for your left hand but you are not-"

"NO discussion. I want to thank you. Will you let me ?"

Lexa's eyes fell on Clarke's other hand and with a small smile she nodded.

Day 201

Lexa loved spring. She loved the colourful fields and baby animals, she loved the weather, not too hot nor cold. For the first time in years this day she lied down on the fresh grass and closed her eyes. The early afternoon's sun was warm on her face and it smelled like honey.

"How is he ?" she asked without moving.

She felt someone lie down next to her "Not good." Clarke answered casually.

"What happened ?"

"He caught a cold."

"A simple cold ?"

"Yes but his disease makes it worse."

Since she had learned about Lincoln's condition, Lexa had been afraid to ask. She had been afraid because besides a few crisis, a white skin and unexplained bruises, he looked alright. But now that it was impossible for her to ignore her friend's disease, she had to ask "How ?"

Lexa heard Clarke take a deep breath "His disease is called leukaemia. You know that blood is vital right ?"

"Mhm."

"But do you know why ?"

Lexa sat and the blonde mimicked her "It makes the heart beat ?"

"Yes but that's not all. You remember when I told you that we were made of cells ?" The brunette remembered. It had taken her some time to acknowledge the fact that her body and every living thing was composed of millions of really, really small things. Lexa nodded and Clarke pursued "Well your blood carries cells. Red cells, responsible for the colour of the blood and also the ones carrying the particles you breathe through your body. Do you understand ?"

"Not really."

"Ok well it's not really important. Anyway there are two other types of cells. White cells. Those are the "defenders" of your body. White cells are the ones fighting infections and sickness. When you're sick, it means bad cells are inside your body and those white cells are there to neutralize them. You're following me ?"

"Yes."

"And there are the flat cells. Those cells are the ones your body use to close your wounds. When you cut yourself flat cells rush to the wound to plug it. Still with me ?"

"I understand what you are saying but not what it means for Lincoln."

"Yeah I know. The problem with Lincoln is that red cells, white cells and flat cells are in small number. Do you know what a bruise is ? It happens when the tubes that carries your blood break. It's a small internal bleeding. The problem with Lincoln is that those tubes are really fragile and break easily and because the flat cells are deficient those tubes can't heal correctly." Lexa could've said to Clarke that she knew what bruises and blood vessels were but the blonde seemed so caught up in what she was saying that she just listened "Also because of the lack of red cells, Lincoln's skin appears very white. And because his white cells are weak his body can't fight the bad cells brought by his cold."

"Is that… deadly ?"

Clarke lied down again "It can be. But there is nothing we can do. Before the bombs humanity had ways to cure this disease but now, on the ground, there's nothing we can do… Even if I know how it works I'm still powerless…"

Lexa could only imagine how Clarke felt. It was probably like knowing how to defeat an enemy with a sword but without having any weapon to fight with. Having the knowledge but not the tools. Knowing perfectly how to save a friend but being in the impossibility to do it. Lexa looked at the girl next to her, eyes closed and short blonde hair glowing. Clarke was beautiful and strong and Lexa felt this pull once again. But this time too, instead of finally resting her lips on the blonde's she held back and lied back down.

They stayed like that, in silence, for what felt like an hour or so. Just there in this field, surrounded by buzzing life and colours. Lexa knew that just like her, Clarke was trying to push away the moment they'd have to go back to the dark, closed, heavy bubble that was Lincoln's room.

"You grounders believe in reincarnation right ? That death is not the end ?"

"Yes"

"How does it work ?"

"When someone die, we burn the bodies to free the spirit. Like that, the spirit can find itself a new vessel."

"Any kind ?"

"Yes. A spirit can choose whatever vessel it wants. The commander's spirit is the only one limited to human beings."

"The spirit can choose ?"

"Yes. There is a legend saying that if the spirit has left someone behind in the world of the livings, it will try to choose a life close to this someone."

"Does that mean that, if Lincoln… If he…"

Clarke paused. Lexa wouldn't let the words come out "Yes. If Lincoln passes away one day the chances for his spirit to join Octavia in a way or another are high. The spirit however, in order to come back has to leave all its memories behind."

"But there's a chance he'll stay close right ? Even if he doesn't remember"

"Yes."

"Can I believe too ?"

"What you believe in or not is up to you Clarke. But faith can warm hearts."

Day 206

The past few days had been excruciating for everyone. Selina's cries and the smokes of the burning pyre had taken away Clarke, Lexa and Octavia's last remnants of energy. Lincoln's agony had been long. Five days. Five days he had spent away from his daughter in a closed room. Five days Octavia had spent hoping. Five days Clarke had spent crying. Five days Lexa had spent bleeding internally, witness of her brother's death, her friend's suffering and Clarke's shattering. The woman she loved had been breaking apart in front of her eyes and all she could do was watch.

*How's Selina ?*

"Asleep finally. But she won't let go of his shirt…"

Lexa sighed *She knows what happened. She wants his scent. Children are sensitive to smells.*

Octavia leaned her back on the wall "She's barely one year old, how ?"

Lexa weakly shook her head *Kids can feel those things. But she should feel better in a few days.*

"I hope so."

*When was the last time you slept ?"

Octavia thought for a moment then in a humourless laugh she voiced the terrible truth "I don't remember."

*Then go take a nap. I'll stay close to Selina.*

"But you haven't slept either, I can't."

"Your daughter can feel it when you're weak. Be strong and she will be. And you cannot be strong without sleep. Luna left some medicine in your room. It should help you relax."

Something unusual happened then. Something both girls would've never thought possible a few months ago. Octavia wrapped her arms around Lexa's waist and the commander hugged her back.

"Thank you Lexa. He loved you and I learned to like you too. I consider you as my friend and I hate it when my friends doesn't feel good." Octavia pulled back "Wake me up in two hours ok ?"

Lexa couldn't make promises she knew she wouldn't keep. So she just nodded and Octavia slowly disappeared in a corridor. Lexa stepped into Selina's new room. It was small. But perfect for a baby. She reached the cradle and looked at the little girl hidden under a brown piece of cloth that one day was Lincoln's. Poor girl. Being in pain but not quite understanding why. She'd miss her father for sure. Even with Octavia and Clarke around it wouldn't be the same. Now that she was looking at her more closely, Lexa could tell how much the girl looked like her father. Sure she resembled Octavia a lot but somehow, now the brunette could recognize Lincoln in her. Now that he was gone. Now that it was too late to compare Selina to him. Lexa knew far too well the pang of regret that could hit you after you lost someone you loved. That moment when you start to think that what you did for the dead was not enough, that you never spoke enough with them, and you start to rewrite your life with 'what ifs'. Lexa knew the feeling because she'd been living with it constantly since her parent's death. It was always there in a corner, always there reminding you what you could've done. As Heda Lexa couldn't let herself sink into this feeling. But now that she wasn't the commander, at least for the moment, she felt like her heart could crumble any time. She hadn't cried yet. She couldn't cry. Even when the smokes had stung her eyes and forced her to blink. Even when Clarke fell on her knees, mouthing thousands of 'sorry' to a pile of ashes. Even when she saw Octavia cross her heart with a knife. Not even when Luna's dagger had sliced deep into the flesh of her own shoulder. But the tears were there, Lexa knew it, they were there somewhere, hidden, held captive in her swollen heart.

"Oh you're here ?"

The whisper startled Lexa. She smiled at her own fatigue. She'd always known when Clarke was approaching. But not this time. She turned to look at the blonde "Clarke. You are supposed to be in bed." Lexa gently pushed the blonde out and closed the door behind them.

Clarke shrugged "I couldn't sleep." She leaned her back on the wall next to the door pretty much like Octavia had not so long ago.

"You should try again."

"Only if you come with me."

Lexa shook her head "I promised Octavia I will stay with Selina."

"Then I'll stay with you." Clarke let herself fall on the ground and Lexa sat next to her, as close as she could without touching her. A long moment passed in complete silence until Clarke broke it "When Lissa and Bran died, I… It was hard for me. I barely knew them but they'd somehow managed to make me forget about death so when they passed away, when I realise that I'd never see them again, that the two persons that had meant life for me had just vanished, I almost gave up." Clarke had always talked about the couple with a smile, even when she had been evoking their death. But now she seemed just hollow, elsewhere, probably reliving things that were slowly eating her away and Lexa ached. Once again, she was powerless. "But then your words resounded in my ears." The brunette turned to Clarke, eyebrows raised "'The pain will never go away,' and I wondered how you survived."

Lexa cocked her head to one side "Survived ?"

"Your life. I wondered how you'd managed to survive your life like you did when all the people around you fell, when the queen took Costia."

"Clarke-"

The blonde cut her "I'm not finished. The one who saved me was Octavia. It was hard at first. A piece of my past had caught me up, had pierced the bubble of tranquillity that was the farm. But when I delivered Selina and she cried I realised that babies were still being born outside of my small world, that life was still there. And that you can't live only for yourself. Humans can't live on their own. When Octavia and Lincoln entered my life again I found myself a new 'mission'. I had a new goal. You, had your people. You'd always had someone waiting for you, expecting things from you, Lincoln, Anya, Luna then your entire people."

Silence fell and Lexa thought. It was true. She had never been alone, not really. Suffering had always been there but never in her life had someone let her break, that someone being her friends, her people or herself. Well, not until she fell in this river a few month ago.

"Remember when I told you that life should be about more than just surviving ?"

Pink tainted lightly Lexa's blank cheeks when she answered "Yes. I do."

Clarke smiled "Well, maybe you weren't surviving after all. Maybe even *I* wasn't. I mean, if life is having a goal or someone you care about then even if your entire environment wants you dead and you have to fight for your life, as long as you have something 'to live for' then it's not surviving."

Clarke's point of view was interesting. She had never seen things this way. But then who are the ones surviving ? Prisoners ? People to whom we stole the liberty to have something to live for ?

Lexa had lost herself in her thoughts about life and death when Octavia arrived. She looked pissed "Lexa I asked you to wake me up."

The brunette frowned "you said to wake you up in 2 hours, it hadn't been that long"

The mother raised an eyebrow "It's been 3 hours…" Lexa's eyes widened in shock. She couldn't have been thinking like that for nearly two hours… "You should take her to a bed and cover her. I've seen enough sickness in this place for the rest of my life"

That's the moment Lexa noticed the weight on her shoulder. She turned her head and short blond hair caught her eyes. The calm, steady rhythm of Clarke's breath made Lexa smile, finally she was sleeping. She carried the blonde to the bed Luna had lend her. She lied her down carefully and sat on the edge of the bed. She ran her fingers on the blonde's scalp. Her hair was short but soft, like the furs of some white domestic rabbits. But as much as she tried to, Lexa couldn't chase away her breath taking first meeting with Clarke and the way her blonde locks glowed when she entered her tent. The girl's face had been bruised, her hair dirty and clothes torn but still, when she had stepped into the tent she was glowing. So yes. Lexa wanted Clarke's hair back. She wanted it long, wanted to be able to curl it around her finger and feel like she had the sun in her hands. But Clarke's hair were short. For now.

She gave the girl's scalp one last stroke and went to stand but a weak hand grabbed her arm.

"Stay."

Lexa thought for a minute, wondering if Clarke would sleep better alone or not. But then she remembered their previous conversation. For the moment she was not Heda. For the moment, Clarke was the most important thing for her. For the moment she could give in to the pull in her gut and lie down next to her, take her in her arms protectively and try to soothe the storm of pain that she knew was still raging in Clarke's shivering body. For the moment, this heart breaking, painful moment, she could let herself live.

Day 220

"You knew I'd have to fight since the very beginning. You trained me. I'm ready Lexa."

"No you're not. Yes you're stronger. But not strong enough to throw yourself in the bear's cave. I can't let you do that. Not alone." The brunette's axe met another poor piece of wood, splitting it in two in a loud thud.

"But that's our only solution." Clarke stepped closer.

"No. This is not a solution. We're not even sure it can work." The axe split the air again.

"But it could work."

This time the axe stayed standing in the tree stump she was using as a support "I will not stay here and watch as you charm and marry Nia's son."

Clarke closed the distance between them and looked right into the brunette's eyes "Everything will be fake. It's a cover nothing more and if he try anything I'll cut his hands" she said with a small smile but Lexa didn't relaxed. The blonde sighed "Octavia will be with me and scouts will inform you. We can't take the risk to take you back to TonDC. What if someone recognised you ? We can't play fair against the ice queen. We need to lie and fake and win and this occasion we have now is gold. We can approach her, earn her trust and kill her without any loss."

The violence in Lexa's heart calmed down. She knew the plan had chances to work and that they didn't have a choice but… "You could die." She said, a shaky breath escaping her.

Clarke put a hand on the brunette's cheek and she smiled "I won't."

Lexa leaned in the touch, tried to forget that what she was about to accept could kill the woman she loved "I can't lose you…" she whined and Clarke swallowed.

"I know. That's why I'll come back."

The brunette gently covered Clarke's hand with her own and rested their foreheads together, watery green meeting worried blue "If anything happens, if something goes wrong, give up on the plan and run away. Don't even try to reach us, just run away."

"Ok." The blonde promised with a nod.

But Lexa's nervousness was still there and every cells in her body ached when she said "Alright. But a week without a word from Octavia and I am coming."

"Ok." Clarke said again. And silence fell.

Lexa's eyes flickered to the blonde's lips and she felt her own burn in need of contact. But again she pulled back. It would feel too much like a farewell. When the queen will be dead, when she will be heda again, when her people will be safe, then she will kiss her. She will kiss her, ask her to stay by her side. She will be selfish and ask for what she want and if Clarke says no then she will try again and again until she says yes.

"I need to talk with Luna. Go take rest, you're exhausted." Lexa turned back, heading to Luna's castle when a determined voice stopped her.

"Lexa !" the brunette stopped "I won't have to come back because YOU will be the one coming to join me at the end and YOU will kill the queen. It's just a goodbye. We'll see each other in two months, the queen's head off her body and your people will chant your name !"

Lexa didn't trust her voice so she just nodded and started to walk again, gaze focused on the grey sky, praying for the rain to fall and hide her tears.

Three days later, Clarke's short hair was black, her clothes were made of blue and white furs, her two blades on her horse's sides and Lexa's heart in the palm of her hand, leaving the girl's chest more hollow with each step the blonde was taking.

The entirity of the plan will be explained in the next chapter and if not it will be in the one after that so don't worry if you don't understand everything now. I kinda love ciffhangers so... It just felt right to cut the chapter there. Hope you liked it and see you in two weeks ;)