Sorry for the late update guys but this is a long story ^^'
This chapter is talkind about Selina a lot if not talking only about her. Why ? Because sad and broken Lexas are everywhere in a lot of different fics, way better than mine, in a better style and english. I hate writing things I've read elsewhere. If I can do the job better or as good as what I've read, it's not worth it. That's the way I'm functioning and the methods I'm using in ALL my writings. I thought that with Clarke and Octavia away, the only interesting relationship to describe was the one Lexa and Selina have.
Hope you'll like it :3
Day 225
"Shh baby, shh" Lexa was trying to soothe Selina to sleep for the umpteenth time since Octavia had left. The little girl had used to be a calm and happy baby but her parent's absence was tearing her and Lexa's heart apart. "Shh it's ok. They will come back soon. It's ok." The more she was talking to Selina, the more Lexa was sure she was just talking to herself. It was as if the little girl was crying for the both of them, sheading the tears Lexa couldn't afford to release. At some point Lexa had tried, she had tried to cry but her eyes were too dry. *Are you the one who stole my tears ?* Lexa asked in a soft voice, resting her forehead on Selina's. The girl momentarily stopped crying to bore her hazelnut eyes in Lexa's green ones. They stayed like that for a minute, just looking at each other and Lexa wondered once again how much this little girl's comprehension of the world around her extended. Eventually, Selina started to cry again and Lexa sat on the bed that now was theirs. She took the girl on her lap, face to her *Come on baby girl, smile for me.* Lexa made the face that used to make Selina laugh but as expected, it was vain. The brunette sighed and pulled the girl closer, leaning her on her torso. Selina's small fists grabbed Lexa's shirt as if it was the last thing left to do in this world and her cries became silent, silence telling Lexa that the girl was finally tired and ready to sleep. A distant melody made its way to Lexa's mind. She closed her eyes and started to hum. Lightly rubbing Selina's back she remembered the very first time she heard Clarke hum the lullaby. She remembered the ache in her body, the pain in her chest but also the relief that coursed through her entire being when she realised Clarke was alive, healthy and apparently happy. How many days had passed since she almost died in that river, Lexa didn't know. Everything was so close and distant at the same time… She felt like she could remember her days in the farm better than the rest of her entire life. But maybe it was not just the farm. Maybe it was not just the peace of these days. Maybe it was just Clarke. That's when Lexa realised that all her clear memories of those past few years were those of Clarke. Clarke entering her tent, terrified but assured, when she almost arrogantly asked for an alliance. A small smile tugged at Lexa's lips at the thought. She remembered the storm of emotions in those blue eyes, so many different things had been happening in such frail body Lexa had thought the girl might break at some point. But Clarke hadn't. Not even once. Sure she had wavered at some point. Sure the blood of her lover on her hands had been a blast. But she had stood and fought and it was magnificent. Lexa remembered the day they had had to fight the Pauna. The brunette would recall this moment until the day her soul leaves her body. She would remember the fear that tugged at her guts when she realised she might die in that cage of course, but she would also remember the terrifying feeling of relief and happiness that had flooded her mind for an instant. A few weeks later though, she had thanked all the gods she knew for letting her live long enough for her lips to connect with Clarke's. But now Clarke was not here. Clarke was in danger some place far away. Clarke was sacrificing herself again. But she promised right ? She promised they would meet again, that they'd reunite to kill the queen. Then memories of Clarke's strength, Clarke's devotion, Clarke's naked body, Clarke's kindness, Clarke's courage, Clarke's love, filled Lexa's mind and finally she felt the long awaited hot, tickling sensation of salty liquid running down her cheeks, passing by every mounts and valleys of her damaged face almost too easily. It was light at first. A single tear. Then one became two then three then hundreds.
Strangely there were no sobs, no convulsions and when a familiar voice whispered "Careful Lexa, a few more strokes and both your hands and her back's skin will burn." Lexa understood. She stopped her hand but kept it on Selina's back. She couldn't move, she couldn't sob because the little girl was there, sound asleep on her lap. "My scouts came back."
Lexa tore her tired, still wet eyes from Selina to look at Luna. "And ?" was all her hoarse voice managed to produce.
"And they arrived safely. They have an audience with Prince Kolah tomorrow morning. We'll know in three days if Clarke can enter his guard." A guard. Clarke wasn't fitted to be in a guard. Her hands had been made to hold paper and charcoal or yarn and thread, not weapons. "Kolah is just a kid Lexa. She'll make it. And maybe faster than we think."
"Probably. What bothers me is, at what cost. I can't lose anyone else Luna."
The woman silently sat next to Lexa, resting a hand on her back. "I know. But she'll be alright. She is strong and you wouldn't have let her go if you thought she couldn't do it."
It was true. Lexa had no doubt Clarke would succeed. Well until some point at least. Infiltrate the guard of Kolah so that she can gather as many information as possible would be easy. Earn Kolah's trust, seduce him so that he tells her what she wants, that, Clarke could do without effort. The problems would come with the queen. For the moment, according to the scouts, she was in Polis and would stay there for the next two months while her son is in TonDC. If Nia decided to come back earlier for any reason, Clarke would really be in danger. Nia was wise. A single, tiny mistake and Clarke's head would roll on the ground far from its body. Or worse.
"Why are you crying child ?"
Concentrating on the slow movements of Luna's hand on her back, Lexa thought before voicing the truth *I don't know.*
"Well, *I* know why." Lexa's gaze left the ground to meet Luna's "You're exhausted. Fatigue is clouding your mind. Your body is screaming right now. You need sleep Lexa."
"But Selina-"
"I'll deal with her. Go take a room, the one you want, and sleep, as long as you can. Your ideas will be clearer and you will finally be able to show reason."
Lexa would love to sleep. But she didn't want Luna to take Selina away from her. Devotion to the promise she made to Octavia ? Lexa wasn't sure. She wasn't sure why she couldn't bear being apart from the little girl. She hadn't spent a year with her but strangely she just couldn't leave Selina's side. When the girl wasn't in her lap or arms, she was at least somewhere Lexa could see her.
"But she just fell asleep."
Luna shook her head, stood and gently unclenched Selina's fists. Lexa's shirt free from any kind of grip, the woman lifted the girl in her arms "See ? Still asleep. Go Lexa, I'll take care of her. You trust me right ?"
The brunette nodded and stood. She felt a little dizzy at first. It was her first real walk in three days after all. Slowly she walked to the closest room, the one that was supposed to be Clarke's. She let herself fall on the bed and breathed. Clarke's scent had already faded. She touched lightly the tattoo the blonde had given her not so long ago, in this same room. Clarke had been here at some point ant the thought reassured her.
Years later, Luna told Octavia that half an hour later, she had had to leave Selina's room for a minute or two to give an order and when she had come back, she found Lexa sound asleep next to the little girl.
Day 237
*Come on baby you can to it !* Lexa extended her arms in front of her in Selina's direction, smiling widely to encourage the kid.
"Don't hurry her. She will walk, let her take her time."
"But she wants to do it, I know it."
Luna rolled her eyes but Lexa ignored her *Selina baby look at me, come on* The little girl was standing on her feet, hands on a small stool to steady herself. Again, Lexa hadn't been the type to love children but the feeling in her chest in that moment was almost unbearable. Joy, pride, fear, love, and probably hundreds of other emotions, so new to Lexa she couldn't put a name on them. But that was nothing compared to what the brunette felt when Selina finally took a clumsy, hesitant step in her direction. She was so happy she thought she could run in Entis' streets screaming her joy like some crazy people did sometimes. *Good girl ! That's good, continue, come on !*
"I might really end up being her grand-mother after all…"
"I thought we agreed on the fact that Lincoln was not your son." Lexa couldn't help to mumble but keeping her eyes on Selina's that had took another step, her expression showing all the concentration this simple act was demanding her.
"I wasn't talking about Lincoln."
And now Luna wanted to adopt Octavia… Lexa fought the urge to roll her eyes. She couldn't let the approaching little girl be confused because of her weird faces "Almost there baby ! Only two steps !" Obviously Selina couldn't understand what a 'step' was and even less what 'two' referred to but she probably felt Lexa's joy and excitement and offered the two woman one of her most endearing smiles (Lexa could swear the girl already knew how to 'seduce' people and as proud as she was at Selina's precocity, it scared her a little…). Lexa's heart melt at the girl's smile and her body followed when Selina finally reached her arms. The brunette was pretty sure she would be nothing more than a puddle of love and pride in a few minutes, just lying on the ground for everyone to see.
But as much as she was happy, the tears on her cheeks were not those of joy.
Day 245
Lexa would lie if she said that she wasn't trying to impress Selina. The girl was sitting on Feerah's lap, the 'nanny' Luna had introduced to her a week ago. They were all in the courtyard and 'all' meant of course Feerah, Selina and Lexa but also ten big, strong, experienced, scarred warriors. They were supposed to be Lexa's training buddies but since she was winning effortlessly they were more the unfortunate victims of her display of strength. Each time Lexa sent a man or a woman to the ground, she would turn to Selina with a smile, her unsaid question obvious for everyone : 'you saw this ?'. So each time, Feerah was lightly clapping her hands, making the little girl follow her. With every silent, clumsy clap of Selina's small hands, Lexa's heart swelled and she always punctuated it with a "Next !" and an idiotic smile. Oh so far was the stoic commander of the twelve clans in that moment… But strangely, the warriors or everyone here in Entis didn't seem to care. They were treating her with the respect due to Lexa's rank. Maybe Clarke had been right all along after all. That her people wouldn't look down on her if Lexa showed emotions.
The brunette got dragged out of her thoughts by an "I'm sure she understands how strong you are already so please could you let my warriors live Lexa ?" At Luna's remark she turned to look at the said warriors. Covered in mud, bruises and exhausted, all of them released a quiet relieved sigh, thankful to their leader for saving their lives. Guilt filled Lexa and she threw them an apologetic look before straightening her back and ordering "You are dismissed. Take some rest for a day or two."
Ten voices answered "Yes Heda" and Lexa jumped. Nobody had treated and called her like that in a while. Sure everyone respected her but she wasn't their leader. Well that's what she had thought at least. She recovered quickly though as Luna silently asked her to come. The brunette followed the woman down corridors she didn't know.
"Stop looking back. Feerah is probably just heading back to Selina's room. She'll play with her and watch her and you'll find her all happy and content in a few minutes, but now I need you."
Lexa swallowed the lump in her throat, rubbed her thumb on her tattoo nervously and fear tugged at her guts.
They entered a small room and Luna's expression went grave "Clarke did it. She entered Kolah's guard."
Lexa was scared but she had to ask "But …?"
"But she and Octavia got separated. It was expected and we were prepared for that but Kolah is keeping Clarke with him constantly and as much as she can have a close watch on him, Octavia can't approach her and collect information. We'll be in the dark for a while." The brunette's heart sank. The more Lexa wanted Clarke close, the more the blonde was getting out of her reach. "And… I have a note from Octavia. For you."
The wrinkles between Lexa's eyebrows disappeared for an instant, worry and fear momentarily replaced by surprise and curiosity. Luna gave the small piece of paper to Lexa and the brunette read. It was English and it took her a while but she managed to decipher.
How is she ?
Lexa felt like crying again. But she had to write an answer first. It was her duty. "I need paper and charcoal"
Luna frowned "Wait, you can write ?"
"Clarke taught me."
The paper Octavia received was rather small and said "Good. She kan wok naw. She miss you". The brunette smiled but her heart was torn between amusement, recognition, pride and so much pain. Something caught her attention though. On the paper, she could see two small darker circles.
Octavia held back her tears. Enough had obviously been shed already.
Day 254
"Essa !"
Lexa's heart stopped in her chest "What did you say…?"
Selina giggled and pointed to the brunette enthusiastically screaming "Essa !" again.
Lexa fell on her knees to hug the little girl and kiss the top of her head whispering tons of praise words which seemed to please Selina because the little girl was smiling and repeating what was probably Lexa's name again and again.
*Did you hear that !?* Lexa asked but Feerah's confused expression made her repeat "Did you hear that just now ? She called me right !?"
The red head woman smiled "Sometimes she can spell the 'L' correctly too."
"Wait, for how long has she…?"
"I'd say three days. First she was calling almost everything like that but then I taught her that 'Lexa' was you and nothing else and it seems she got it."
The pronunciation was far from perfect but it was still a big thing. Pressing a chaste kiss on the little girl's cheek, Lexa said "Find me some paper and charcoal. I need to write something."
Feerah left and tears escaped Lexa's eyes again. It was too overwhelming. The joy and sweet feelings that flooded her every time her eyes fell on Selina was always spoiled, stained by the ache in her heart reminding her that the girl's dad was dead and her mother was away, risking her life, unable to see her very own, beloved daughter grow up. Lexa had probably cried more these past few weeks than the rest of her life but she couldn't care less. How had she been able not to cry for so long ? She couldn't remember how she had used to deal with her pain before she lost against Nia.
She was sure of it now. Something died inside her when she fell in the river. Maybe her soul, just like her bones, had broken and healed, started anew. Yes something died months ago but somehow Lexa didn't miss it. When she was still Heda she had loved her condition. She could help and protect her people, a people that she loved, that depended on her. Well she had loved it during the day at least. At night, when she could hear the voices of her ghosts again and feel the weight of her responsibilities on herself and herself alone she had wanted to run away. For years she had hoped that it would become less unbearable, less strong with time, that she could sleep without nightmares again one day. But after a while Lexa realised that it would never stop, that her nights would be the same until the end of her life. And she had been right. If she considered that she died in that river then yes, she had been right. Lexa had never slept so well than when she had been in Clarke's farm. The process had been slow but at some point, her nightmares had stopped. Well not entirely of course but she could live with it. Now she didn't want to run away anymore. Now she felt strong enough to call herself Heda of the twelve clans. Now she was sure she'd be able to protect her people better than she ever had. The more she waited for Clarke to call them, the more she was eager to fight.
Clarke.
Lexa traced the tattoo on her hand. She missed Clarke. And she was worried even if she had finally found in herself the strength to trust her. But things had changed since she had left. Time had passed and Lexa had finally managed to start training again and Selina's smile was back. Lexa was still crying sometimes but it was not over Clarke anymore.