Week 21, day 2
This might be nearing an end. Granger woke me an hour ago - we lost a chopper in the same area where Sabatino ditched me. Booker thinks it might be the work of the White Ghost - somehow they knew where and when the chopper would be and managed to take it down. We're heading out as soon as there's light. All I can do is pace, there's such a sense of anxiety now. Will we find the chopper? Is it a trap? Was it even the ghost who shot it down? We need answers- but maybe, just maybe, it means he's nearby and we can find him and take him out. Then I can finally go home.
Week 21, day 3
We left as soon as we could, and only just got back. We found the downed chopper, it looked like it was hit by an RPG. Special Forces were aboard, but we didn't find them - alive or otherwise. The chopper was completely stripped. The insurgents probably took the passengers or their bodies as bargaining chips. Seeing the downed chopper really hit me hard. It makes this so much more real. We have to stop this. I have to stop the White ghost from helping them. But right now I feel numb. I need Deeks here, he would make a joke or something to snap me out of this. My stomach won't stop churning, and it's almost like I have butterflies. I don't know why this particular event is hitting me so hard, but it is. I just want this all to be over.
Booker is yelling about something. I better go see what's going on.
A group of insurgents is heading towards the border. We think it's the ghost. I'm heading out as soon as they get me a bike.
Week 21, day 4
This mission has just turned upside down. I can't do this. I am not going to shoot the White Ghost. I can't. I don't know what to do. Granger wants my report immediately, but if I tell him the truth I may be branded a traitor. If I tell him I missed on purpose, he'll kill me. I can still hear his voice in my head, yelling at me to take the shot, ordering me not to let him get away. But as soon as I saw him, I had to. I couldn't kill HIM.
I thought I had moved on. I thought I had accepted never seeing him again and never knowing what happened. But seeing his face brought it all back, it was like waking up on Christmas morning, alone. I have a chance now, to get those answers and know what went wrong. A chance to get closure and move on. I can't kill him, then I'll never have my answers. And the man that I knew, the man that I loved, couldn't betray his country like this. There has to be a mistake. Could his PTSD have really gotten so bad he turned traitor? It isn't possible, it isn't. If anything, his PTSD made him hate violence. He was against war. How could that have changed so much? But nine years is a long time... And if I've learned anything, it's that a lot can change over time. And maybe we never know anyone as well as we think.
Something here is so wrong. I NEED to talk to him, it's the only way to sort out this mess. I have to go after him. He won't hurt me, he loved me. Right? He couldn't forget me, could he?
I'm doing it, I'm going after him. I need answers, for myself and for the mission. I need to know where things went wrong so I can tell Hetty. Telling her now would be pointless. All I could tell her is that I know him, that Jack is the ghost, and that I couldn't kill him. We aren't allowed to let personal issues get in the way of a mission. Granger would kill me if he found out what happened. And if he didn't, I could be charged with treason.
Crap, he'll be here soon demanding my report. I have to go, now. I'll leave a message for Eric and Nell so that if I don't come back, they can investigate for me and know what happened. I know I should leave a message for Deeks, but if I think about him, I might change my mind and I can't do that now. I need answers to end this mission. I need answers so I can move on.
God, I hope that they can forgive me for this.
Deeks will know something is wrong when I'm not online tomorrow. I just hope he doesn't worry too much.