Hello Everyone :) Hope your weekends have been grand! 2 Chapters going up tonight! -Wild
Liat took several small calming breaths as she looked at Malachi. The tingle from his kiss, were still on her lips. Her mind was swimming with the images of them making love for the first time the night she told him she loved him; the ways his lips had made hers tingle then too, his hands lovingly touching her skin.
She swallowed hard and looked away, unable to hold his gaze now trying to rid her mind of those memories as they immediately brought up memories of another kind of touch she couldn't afford to think about right now. The men who had held her prisoner and especially the 'Cigarette Man.' The burn on her pelvic bone still fresh and aching every time his face flashed through her mind. She'd seen Ziva's scar from the man several times and now, she had one to match. Something else she had in common with her new sister, they both could have lived without.
"Malachi," Liat began to speak and found it difficult to concentrate on forming words when Malachi's hand was holding hers in such a tender way; his thumb grazing every so lightly back and forth across the backs of her fingers. He seemed in no rush to make her speak or hear what she had to say and simply watched her with his big brown eyes, letting her take her time.
Malachi's heart was starting to pound at the simple saying of his name from her lips. He hadn't realized how much he had missed it, or in the way she said it now. Not with anger or upset as she had in their last several conversations, or in hearing her staunch addressing him as Director, with his new role in her life, as Boss only…but with the gentle sweetness of emotion, he'd taken for granted for far too long. He wasn't in a hurry to rush her, enjoying the simple contact of her allowing him to hold her hand, to touch her skin and remembering what a gift it was to be able to do that in this moment.
Henry's argument with his grandfather of actually being forbidden to even touch Julia rapidly flitted through his mind as did the look on Henry's face as Julia had walked away that morning, leaving him standing on the tarmac. He didn't want to end up like Henry and forbidden from the woman he loved.
Ziva's warning flashed through his mind about not pushing Liat too fast, too soon, or she'd make decisions now she wasn't ready to make and it would end badly for them all. He couldn't resort to pushing Liat for what he wanted as he always had in the past, and he realized he already had fallen back into that pattern by kissing her just now. He should have stopped at kissing her forehead or cheeks, as was his original intent. But once he felt her skin beneath his lips, his own wants to kiss her lips again had taken over and he overstepped. The fact that she was having trouble even speaking now and making eye contact was a testament to the fact she wasn't ready to think about those kinds of touches, or where they took her mind.
"It's okay." He spoke after a long moment of prolonged silence as Liat looked down and visibly upset as she tried to think of what to say. "No rush." He assured her with a small smile. "I'm sorry for kissing you that way. I will not do so again…unless you ask me to." He swallowed hard, giving her all the control over that aspect of their physical relationship and contact.
Liat's eyes flashed up to his, slightly surprised at what he'd just said. She hadn't known Malachi to ever be this…patient. He was usually always the one pushing, pushing, pushing. So much so, that in their new change in relationship after he'd become Director, that he'd resulted to ordering her to do things and abusing his power when she wouldn't respond to his wants in the way and time he expected. Liat didn't now if he actually meant it now, but she could see the sincerity in his eyes in this moment, that he would at least try.
"Thank you," She acknowledged his apology and offer sincerely. Her mind was still swimming from the kiss and disbelief that this was real and happening. "I am having a difficult time even believing this is real at the moment. That I am in this room and away…from there." She swallowed hard not even wanting to think of where she'd been held for the last two months. "Last night seemed like a dream." Her eyes flickered to his as moments of the night before flashed through her mind, including the moment that Malachi had looked at her and told her that he loved her.
Malachi remained quiet, letting her speak and clenching his jaw to remind him to slow down when all he wanted to do was tell her again that he loved her. Ziva's voice was constantly in his head telling him to slow down and not push, that Liat would tell them what and when she needed something. Instead of speaking, he decided to nod and acknowledge what she'd said. Is she wanted answers, she would ask, he reminded himself.
"Ziva told me that you now know, that I am pregnant…obviously." Liat began to speak with her eyes dropping to her still small but very noticeably baby belly. "And that… you are the father." Her heart was starting to pound in her ears as she ran her free hand over her belly trying to soothe herself. Her eyes lifted to meet Malachi's and again, he gave her a soft nod of acknowledgement. "Are you angry with me?" She asked with a quiet voice, blinking back tears at finally telling him.
"No," Malachi shook his head softly squeezing her hand a little more tightly, "I was at first, because I didn't understand why you wouldn't tell me. But when I had a moment to think and hearing what Ziva had said about your reasoning why," He swallowed hard remembering Ziva's verbal black lash that morning in the office when he'd been so angry about not knowing Liat was pregnant with his child and her reason, as well as theirs, for keeping it from him. "I understand. You wanted to protect the baby." He added quietly, "Even from me if necessary."
Considering it wasn't just Ziva's father now who had committed such sins against his daughter, as was Liat's reasoning to him at Tony and Ziva's Engagement party for no longer being able to trust whomever was the Director of Mossad…but also Liat's father now, he understood all the more.
Liat's mind instantly raced to the same thoughts. It wasn't just Ziva's father in Eli David who had his daughter tortured and mother killed, but also her own. He had stolen her at birth, made her birth mother believe she had died and gave her to another family to be raised as a project only to then kill that family as well. She wasn't ready to process that information or think about it and shook her head, looking away.
"I've been following a long as much as I could," Malachi spoke with a small smile, seeing the upset flash across her face and deciding to change topics back to happier things. He reached down and pulled out the already well-worn and traveled book following pregnancy. "I've been reading this book everyday to understand and learn more about what you were going through and how the baby was growing and changing." He laid the book beside her on the bed and flipped open to the latest page he'd had ear marked. "It says that this week, our baby is now 10 inches long and wakes and sleeps in a regular pattern." He smiled softly with awe and excitement in his voice, "and that her eyelashes and eyebrows are growing."
Liat looked at him with wide tear filled eyes, to hear that he'd been reading along and following her pregnancy and with such clear excitement and enthusiasm in his voice. The book that lay beside her now, looked well-worn as though he'd been carrying it everywhere with roughed up edges and cracked spine. The pages previous to the one he was now showing her had all been folded over and ear marked as he'd gone along, keeping his place.
She had bought the same book after deciding to keep the baby, though it was likely long gone now as she'd taken it with her to Israel to speak with Asa and then disappeared from the airport. Liat had no idea even how far along she was at this moment, having lost track of time in captivity. The milestones her baby was reaching and what she could expect as far as changes to her body were a mystery since she'd first woken up in that cell with Illan looking over her. To know that Malachi had been following along when she couldn't was…unbelievable.
"You…are reading about the baby?" She asked with a whisper and crack in her voice as new tears surged forth.
"Yes," Malachi smiled softly seeing in her eyes the disbelief that he'd do such a thing. "I was going crazy not being able to find you…be with you. I found the book and started reading along as a way to feel like I was still with you and the baby, to know what you were going through everyday and how your body was changing. How the baby was growing." He swallowed hard seeing the constant widening of her eyes as she stare at him. "I had no idea so many things happened to your body or how the baby develops each week. It is truly fascinating, Liat." He smiled softly at her with the excitement and awe of a child.
To hear Malachi's reasons for following along and the excitement and joy in his voice was tugging madly on Liat's heartstrings. He seemed genuinely excited about being a father and it broke her heart all over again to be in the position they were. Her fear at what he could become and had already been showing of signs of being, still outweighed the joys of wanting to share this experiencing of parenting with him. She didn't know what she wanted anymore and this was all too confusing. She wasn't even sure what he wanted.
"You are excited about this baby?" She asked needing to know where his thoughts were and afraid of any answer he was going to give for so many reasons.
"Of course I am." Malachi answered quietly looking at her in surprise she would even doubt that. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"You didn't even want me, Malachi," Liat shook her head softly with the tears finally slipping down her cheeks and pulled her hand gently away from his and his touch, "Why would I believe you'd want a child with me?"
Malachi felt his heart start to pound when she pulled her hand away and Ziva's scorn that day he'd learned the truth blasted through his mind once more. She had said nearly the same thing to him and apparently, it really was what Liat had been thinking.
"I do want you, Liat." He leaned in closer and spoke softly, trying to engage her eyes to show her the truth.
"You didn't before the baby." Liat shook her head giving him the truth as the tears dropped silently from her chin. "You left me…and sent Asa to marry me. Why does having a baby with you change that?" Her reasons and sanity were starting to become slightly more clear as the emotional response of his touch lessoned without the contact.
"I did before the baby, too." He shook his head softly, "I thought I was doing what was best for you by letting you go. To find a life with Asa as I knew he could make you happy."
"And I had no say in this? You just decided my life for me? What was best for me?" She asked quietly but clear hurt and anger in her voice.
"I was wrong, Liat." He took a deep breath apologizing, "I am sorry. I was arrogant and not thinking about what you felt, I am sorry." He paused as tears welled in his own eyes seeing her retreating again, "I want you. I want a life with you and our daughter. I want us to be a family. The kind of family you and I always wanted for ourselves as children." He paused again gauging her reaction, "I love you, Liat. I meant it that night of the engagement party. And I meant it when I said it last night. I love you, Liat. I should have told you much sooner. I have loved you for a long time and I was foolish to ever take you or your love for me for granted. I don't anymore."
Liat simply stare at him seeing the unshed tears in his eyes and hearing the quiver in his voice. She had waited a long time for Malachi to actually say those words to her, and now he'd said them on three different occasions… though it still didn't change anything.
"It is still too late, Malachi." She repeated quietly what she'd said to him the night of Tony and Ziva's engagement party. "You are still the Director of Mossad and I can't… I can't trust that you won't end up," she swallowed hard speaking in barely above a whisper, "like my father." She said for the first time, declaring out loud that Eli David was in fact her father.
Malachi's heart was breaking knowing he couldn't argue with her logic in this moment, considering all that had happened to her in her life and where they were right now. Her words of 'how can I trust you with my life if I cannot trust you with my heart' were ringing loudly in his ears from the night of the engagement party.
"I love you, Liat. I love this baby already and I want to be apart of your lives." He remembered what Ziva said about telling Liat the truth without pushing her, "I will spend every day of the rest of my life earning your trust back if that is how long it takes, but I would like the chance to try. I am willing to do whatever it takes…to be with you. To make this work." He sobered and swallowed the lump in his throat, knowing that was true in this moment and terrified to lose her and his child.
"What does that mean, Malachi?" Liat asked with raining silent tears, needing clarification as to what he was really saying. Needing to hear the words once more and not just guessing as to how he felt and what he wanted her to know.
"It means," He reached for her hand once more, holding it gently and laying the other hand softly on her baby belly for the first time and his tears finally fell when he actually felt the baby moving inside of her, stealing his breath away. "That I will do whatever you want. I will be whatever you need me to be. If making a life with you means that I must give up being the Director of Mossad…then I will." He answered her honestly knowing that was true now, "You are the most important thing in my life, Liat and without you…life has meant nothing. None of my success, means anything without you." He shook his head lightly in thinking about how empty it felt the past several months as Director without her in his life and the change in their relationship. "I will do whatever it takes, to make a life with you work."
"You are willing to give up being the Director of Mossad?" Liat asked breathless, "For me?" She needed to hear him say it after he'd already given her up for it once.
"Yes." Malachi answered knowing why she needed to hear this so clearly, "I am willing to give up being the Director if it means I get to be with you."
"You would resent me if I made you choose." Liat shook her head with more tears falling.
"No, I wouldn't." Malachi reached up to tilt her chin to look into her eyes, "You asked me once, what Mossad has ever given to me and I answered with you. And then you reminded me that I gave you up for Mossad, so it meant nothing. I do not want it to mean nothing, Liat. You are the best thing I've ever been given in my life and I will not take that for granted again. I've come to realize in the past few months as Director, that the best part of Mossad for me, was always you. Spending every day with you. Traveling the world and fighting side by side…being with you." He looked deeply into her eyes, "Without you, Mossad means nothing to me now. I wanted to change the world and make it a better place if I were the Director. But I know now, how hypocritical that is to think and believe when I do not even follow that advice in my own life. The world is only a better place with love and if I ignore the ones I love and leave behind my own family for the sake of the greater good, what is the point of everything else?"
"What about your duties and responsibilities to Israel?" She asked knowing how important he once thought that was. They both had.
"Mean nothing if I lose my family in the process." He shook his head lightly that she still doubted what he'd said, "And with this child, we are a family Liat. There is nothing more important in the world for me now then being with you and taking care of our child, our family."
Liat was quiet for a long moment trying to absorb what he'd said and finding everything too confusing. Her thoughts and emotions were swirling around too rapidly inside of her to make any sense of how she felt or what she thought anymore.
"And what if… I do not want to be with you anymore?" She asked quietly; the idea that she could ever trust him with her heart again still seemed too impossible. "What if, too much has already happened, Malachi? And I cannot find a way to trust you with my heart again."
Malachi froze with fear having never thought she would ever feel this way, have this kind of response and possibly not take him back, even if he gave up Mossad. That too much damage had been done. And it was only now, and in this moment that he realized how very deeply he had really hurt her with his previous actions and inactions over the last several years and especially six months.
"Honestly," He gave her the truth not knowing what else to say, too dumbfounded in the moment, "I do not now."
"I do not know either." Liat answered surprised by his answer of truth and the look on his face, and also her own. "I do not know how I feel anymore, Malachi. So much has happened now. I just… need time."
Malachi nodded softly in understanding though his heart felt as though it were a lead ball in his stomach. He pulled his hands back away from hers and used the back of his hand to wipe was remaining tear trails were on his cheeks and took a deep breath trying to squash down the tremendous fear he felt at really losing her and his child for good.
"You are going back to America then?" He asked trying to steady himself and feeling his hands shake.
"Yes, for now." Liat answered him quietly, "If I have permission that is. My Liaison permission was only granted for the length of time it took for us to catch Illan." She swallowed the dry lump in her throat, "He is gone now and so are the terms of my conditional position."
"If NCIS is where you wish to be," Malachi answered quietly, "I will not stand in your way. I will approve of whatever you want. That is of course, unless you resign from Mossad and then… you are free to do whatever you please. You do not need my permission to remain if Washington then, if that is your choice." His tone was pulling back and becoming more serious as he boxed up his emotions.
"I cannot think clearly enough right now to make that decision." Liat shook her head softly in thinking about resigning at this moment. She wanted to return back to what she knew before all this happened and right now that was NCIS as the Mossad Liaison Officer. She couldn't be that if she weren't still Mossad. "I just want to go back to what I know makes sense right now." She tried to explain seeing him closing up and the clear distress in his eyes he was not trying to hide.
"I understand. It's fine." Malachi reacted trying to shove his own feelings aside for the moment and remembering this was about what she needed, no matter how difficult for him. "You do whatever you need to do. I will still be here when you're ready." He added quietly and stood, picking up his pregnancy book gently and sliding it back into his duffle, zipping it up. "I love you, Liat." He looked back at her with intent dark eyes, "You are the love of my life. That has become crystal clear for me the past few months. I want to be with you, if you want to be with me. I will love you, no matter what you decide." He gave her a small smile, trying to reassure her even as his heart broke and leaned over her, pausing for a moment before dropping a light kiss to the side of her head. "I'll be outside if you need me." He added quietly and walked towards the door. He looked back with his hand on the handle giving her a soft nod and smile and then left the room.
Liat laid her head back on her pillow and the tears rolled silently down her cheeks staring at the crisp white ceiling. Her hands both went protectively to her belly feeling the baby moving and kicking inside of her and she cried softly. She loved Malachi deeply, that wasn't the problem. It was living with loving him given all that had happened and what could happen, that terrified her and was the problem. Nothing made sense right now and she wondered if it ever would again.
When Malachi stepped out of the room, all eyes flashed to his in wondering how it went with Liat.
He didn't say anything, simply took the open seat next to Tony and McGee quietly and set his bag down.
"Is she okay?" Ziva asked with concern seeing the look in Malachi's eyes and knowing that something must have happened for him to have that expression. Her immediate concern was for Liat and her own reaction.
"She is…needing time." Malachi answered taking a small breath and threading his fingers as he leaned forward staring at the speckles of gold in the floor design. "And I will give it to her." He added softly and looked up to meet Ziva's intense gaze. "You may wish to go in there. I don't think she wants to be alone right now."
"Then why did you leave her?" Tony asked quietly with a slanted brow.
"Because I don't think she wants to be alone… with me, right now." Malachi clarified and sighed.
"What did you do?" Ziva asked a little more harshly then she realized until it was already out of her mouth, already on the defensive in protective mode.
"I did do anything." Malachi answered softly, "Except kiss her. And I realize, I shouldn't have right after and apologized."
"You kissed her? Malachi, I told you not to push her!" Ziva shook her head and tried not to be angry with him, seeing the look on his own face of hurt and realizing he was upset too.
"I didn't mean to, Ziva! It just happened! In fact, I thought about my actions before hand…and just kissed her forehead remembering what you said about her needing touch and not being afraid to do so! But once I was that close to her and feeling her head in my hands again I just… I reacted in the moment and I just had to kiss her! My emotions got the best of me!" Malachi sighed deeply frustrated with himself.
"So I'm not the only that happens to then!" Tony crossed his arms looking pointedly at Malachi who had scorned him for reacting emotionally about Ziva.
"My emotional reaction did not put someone else's life in physical danger, Tony." Malachi answered with a terse response, seeing vast differences with what just happened between he and Liat and Tony nearly killing Julia with his emotional response.
"Just emotional." Ziva chided him with a dark look that he may not have put Liat in physical danger with that kiss but likely emotional given her state.
"She seemed okay about the kiss, Ziva. Relax. I won't do it again. I already told her that I would not kiss her like that again unless he asked me to." Malachi sighed sitting back in his chair. "She's not upset with me about the kiss. It's everything else that was there before, that she is still upset with me over." He paused taking a breath and trying to calm himself, "I told her the truth as you told me to do and she said she needs time. So I'm out here, giving her time and space, after letting her know that I am not going anywhere and I'll be here when she's ready."
Ziva was slightly taken a back from her reaction of anger to hear that though he'd messed up by kissing her and pushing Liat too far too fast in the beginning, it sounded as though by the end of the conversation he was doing the right thing by being honest with how he felt and then allowing her the space and time to figure things out and assuring her that he would still be there.
"Good." She nodded at him softly, "Thank you." She added swallowing hard and forgiving him in that moment, for being human and flawed and reacting emotionally like the rest of them, even when they shouldn't. "I will go speak with her."
As she walked past him she gave his shoulder a light touch and squeeze of support, knowing how much he loved her and how difficult it would be on him to give her this space and time when all he had wanted to do in the last two months of searching for Liat was to get her back and never let her go again.
"I just felt my baby kicking and moving for the first time." Malachi added quietly while Ziva froze in the doorway and everyone listened quietly hearing the emotion in his voice.
"That's amazing." McGee smiled softly at the look of awe still on Malachi's face from the experience.
"It would have been all the more amazing, McGee…if not for the fact that I was in the middle of trying to convince her mother to give me a second chance." Malachi added softly thinking of how the moment was so bittersweet.
Ziva looked down sadly at Malachi and then glanced over quietly to Asa who looked positively saddened as he listened to what had just happened between the two alone in that room, sharing the moment of Malachi feeling the baby kick for the first time and hearing Malachi was speaking to Liat of wanting another chance.
Visions of Henry and Julia flashed before Asa's eyes. They had both married other people, even loved them but when left alone together their love for each other could not be denied. When Julia and Henry were left alone together, they had shared a night together and created a child. The same was true for Liat and Malachi. Visions of the moment between Henry and Julia on the tarmac raced through his mind and he once again thought of what his future may look like if he chose to keep fighting for Liat. Even if Liat chose him and married him, made a life with him, she was always going to share this child with Malachi and they would always love each other.
Julia had chosen to be with Jack, she didn't have to be with anyone after being torn apart from Henry. But she chose him. Chose to make a life with him and it was obvious to them all, she really did love Jack.
Now Asa had to decide if Liat made the same choice, could he live with knowing that even though she loved him and chose him, she would likely never stop loving Malachi either, just as Julia hadn't with Henry? And he wondered if Julia had been given the choice…if there were no rules forbidding her and Henry to be kept apart or leaving devastating heartache in their wake of being together, would she still have made the same choice? Would she still be with Jack?
Liat wasn't the only one who now needed time to figure out what they really wanted. So did he, he realized. Before, he thought he was okay with being her second choice, knowing she loved him and believing he could love her enough for the both of them to make up the difference. Now he wasn't sure. He loved Liat and wanted a life with her but only if she really wanted it too. With Malachi stepping up and proclaiming his love for Liat, and that he too wanted a life with her, Asa realized they were now on equal footing. For the first time, Liat would be the one to decide with both choices before her, either with Malachi or with him and who she really wanted to make a life given the opportunity.
Ziva entered Liat's room quietly and found her sister lying on her side with silent tears rolling down her cheeks. "Are you okay?" She asked quietly coming to sit beside her on the edge of the bed.
Liat nodded she was quietly, "I'm just don't know what to feel. Everything is a mess in here," She tapped the fingers on the hand that had been curled up by her face against her forehead, "And in here." She tapped her chest with the other hand curled near her heart. "It doesn't seem realy. Any of this. Before I was taken, there was no hope for Malachi and I ever being together and now, he is saying he will do whatever it takes to be with me…and Asa," She swallowed hard as more tears fell, "I haven't even spoken with him yet. I broke his heart by telling him I'd slept with Malachi and gotten pregnant and he still wanted to marry me; after all of that. I broke our engagement because I couldn't do that to him and yet, he spent the last two months searching for me with the man I betrayed him with…coming to rescue me. I loved him before but in knowing this, how much he really loves me, I can't help but love him even more and the same can be said for Malachi." She cried softly inhaling a soft sob, "They both love me enough to work together to find me, Ziva. To put aside their own hurts because their love for me was more then the anger and pain and hurt. How do I decide between two men that love me and two men that I love?" She asked gladly wrapping her fingers around Ziva's when she slid her hand into her own.
Ziva stroked Liat's hair back over her ear with a soft sigh. She suddenly wished Julia was awake, she was the better one to ask. Ziva felt the most fortunate of them both in being able to love Tony and have him love her freely in turn. To never be faced with the situations that both Liat and Julia were in and had been. She offered the only advice that made sense. The same advice that she'd give to the two anxious men sitting outside that Liat spoke of.
"I don't think you should decide anything right now. I think you need time. You will regret any decision you make when you feel so lost. I am speaking from personal experience." She thought about all the times she'd made decisions when her heart and head were at war, "I don't want you to have the same heartache. Just give yourself the time, Liat. One thing at a time. Right now," She smiled softly, "We need to get you well enough to take home. And then from there, you can make another decision and then another. Okay?" She tried to reassure her and Liat sighed and nod. "Do you want to speak with Asa now?" She paused to gauge her sister's reaction, still stunned to hear the transition so easily made in her mind now when thinking of Liat as 'her sister.' "Or wait?"