Grissom laid on his back in bed, staring up at the ceiling. His world felt small, heavy. Even Sara's presence wasn't soothing him. His phone rang again, the fourth time in half an hour.
Sara pushed herself up, leaning on her arm to look over him and to the phone that laid on the light stand.
"It's the lab again." He voice was quiet as it continued to ring through, "Do you want to get it?"
"No." He answered simply, continuing to look absently at the ceiling.
She took his hand in hers, "Maybe we should go away for a while."
"I can't. We're so short." At the time, she didn't take this as a jab at her, but deep down it was. First the team lost Sara, now Warrick. If he were to leave too, which is what she'd ben suggesting for months, they'd loose their supervisor. That's three people in a six person team. The idea was selfish, he justified.
He turned his head to her, watching as she laced her fingers through his own. "Why don't you stay?" His voice hinted at a plea.
"I can't stay here." Sadness laced her tone as she looked back at him, her eyes apologizing. Sara laid down again, resting her head on the spot between his chest and shoulder where she could feel his heart beat against her ear. "It'd be nice to take a trip," She tried again, "I don't know, get on a Sea Shepard, go to the Galapagos. We could literally walk in the footsteps of Darwin."
She rubbed small circles on his chest as he lifted his hand to cover hers. His face biting back sadness. They laid there for a while, her head lifting up and down with each breath he took.
His heart constricted with deep rooted sadness. It was at that moment he realized that she wasn't coming back to him. That whatever this was, was all it could be. He couldn't leave the lab, and she couldn't come back. They were at a stalemate and neither of them seemed ready or able to compromise.
Her presence began to hurt more than it helped. For while having her with him felt good and comforting, he knew it was fleeting. And the idea of feeling that pain again, the pain he felt after reading her goodbye letter, the pain he felt for the months that followed until they finally saw eachother again, that pain had been crippling. He wasn't sure he could handle its certain return.
The phone rang again and Grissom sat up with a sigh. He needed to get away from her for now. He took the call.
"Grissom."
"Hey Grissom." Spoke a tired Ecklie on the other end. "I know you're grieving, but grave is too short for you to be hiding out. Your team is running thin."
"I know. I'll be in soon."
"You've got a case. I'm texting you the address."
Grissom hung up and stood up, leaving Sara alone sitting up now in the bed. He walked to the closet without a word and changed for work.
"Hey Greg." Sara answered the phone seeing Greg's name appear on the caller ID. Grissom had left for work nearly three hours ago at this point and she had busied herself by taking Hank out for a run and tidying up the place a bit.
"When's the last time you spoke to Tom?" He paused, "Tom and Pam." Greg had known Sara had been overly involved in this case. He knew that she'd visit Tom and Pam a few times a month every month since the case closed years prior. He knew she'd know exactly what she was talking about.
"Not since I left Vegas."
Greg proceeded to tell her the case details, that he had held the scene for her. Sara quickly left the apartment and made her way to the long term care facility.
"Thanks, Greg." She smiled sadly as she walked past him and the detective to enter the room. There she saw Tom, sitting next to Pam's even more lifeless body.
"Tom."
"Sara." His voice was surprised, but he didn't take his eyes off of his late wife. "I thought you were away."
"I know how much you loved her... Tom look, I'm no longer a CSI, but I'll go with you. I won't leave you."
Sara sat opposite Grissom at his desk now as he reviewed Pam Adler's case file.
"There's no trace of him, on her or in her." She rolled her eyes, "And doc Robbins found no sign of sexual assault."
"Yeah but we don't know when that happened. And we both know that seaman deteriorates within 12 to 24 hours."
"Sara," He looked up at her now and laced his fingers together, "You have to consider the possibility that the husband made up the story to justify his actions."
"No." She spoke sternly, "Absolutely not."
"I'm not saying he didn't love her. I think he loved her so much that he kept her alive for eight years. You're still a scientist. You know that after that many years of atrophy that she wasn't coming back to him. I mean..." He paused, swallowing hard before continuing, "Sooner or later a relationship in stasis withers. You get angry. You need more than the safety of knowing you're not alone." His voice stayed soft.
"Then he should have just walked away." She was angry and it was written all over her tone.
"Well maybe he couldn't. Maybe he needed her to leave him."
There was a heavy silence in the room as their eyes locked. "Who are we talking about right now?"
He looked down ashamed briefly before looking back up at her. He stayed silent, not knowing what to say. He could see the anger and hurt behind her eyes.
"If you need me to walk away. I will." Anger was fueling her words, not truth.
"You already have, Sara." His voice was a contrasted soft and sad tone juxtaposing her harsh one.
"I'm here now."
"Having your inevitable departure hanging over my head is worse than having you here." His words were surprisingly uncryptic and very out of character.
Her lip began to quiver and she pushed back her emotions, "I'll take a flight out tonight." She pushed to her feet and went to leave.
"Sara." He called out after her but she didn't turn back around.
Sara now sat across from Tom in an interrogation room. She was sad and angry. Sad that Tom had lied, that he did what he did. Angry that Grissom had been right.
"Why'd you lie to me, Tom?"
"I can't win for losing. People told me I was selfish keeping her alive for so long. And now look at me. After a while I realized the only one who was feeling any suffering was me."
"You could have asked the doctors to help you."
"And say what? That I as tired. I wanted to kill my wife so that I could have a weekend to myself."
"At least that would have been honest."
Sara left the interrogation room, head hung low.
"I'm sorry, Sara." Greg's voice came closer as she looked up to see him there.
"Look, Greg." She smiled sadly at her friend, "I'm um—I'm going to head out now." She looked at her watch briefly before looking back at him, "Will you tell Nick and Catherine I say goodbye."
"Can I see you tomorrow?"
"I'm flying back to San Fransisco."
"I see." Greg's sadness leached from his tone to his face.
"I'm not ready to be here." She confided, "I'm afraid I'm undoing all the work I've done to get better. So—It's best I go." She patted Greg on the shoulder before walking past him and out of the lab. Greg just watched helplessly as she walked away.
Sara stood in their bedroom, slinging her pack over her shoulder. She took a look around sadly. A single tear fell from her eye as she looked at a photo of the two of them with Hank. They looked so happy. She quickly shook her head and left before she would change her mind.
Sara sat on the plane and looked out the window, seeing the lights of Vegas flicker and fade as the plane moved further and further away. As they did, she became determined. She decided she would take that trip. Take a Sea Shepard and assist other scientists in field research, explore and travel. Whether he'd come or not.
Grissom sat opposite the 18 year old boy and watched as he cried through his confession.
"Have you ever loved someone so much, that you'd kill for them!?" Grissom's eyebrows raised, he had almost killed Natalie in the interrogation room when they were looking for Sara. The sheer thought of that made him cold suddenly.
"I do." The boy continued, "And even if Lexi can't be with me, she's better off without her." He paused, tears swelling in his eyes, "She promised me everything! And then she took it all away." The boy sobbed through his words and Grissom sat there and watched. The boy's words echoed through him, Sara had promised him everything, and then she took it all away.
He could feel his body go numb. What had he done?
He walked through the halls, feeling his world get smaller and smaller. "Where's Sara?" He heard Catherine in the distance. "She left." Greg replied. There was no avoiding them, they were standing in front of his office. Grissom walked past them and entered his office, taking a seat behind his desk. Catherine followed him in.
"Do you know where Sara is?"
"Didn't Greg just say she left?" Grissom asked annoyed.
"What do you mean she left? I though she was back."
"Well now she's not. Look—I've got a lot of paperwork to catch up on, so if there's nothing else..." Grissom motioned for her to leave.
The next week the team assembled in the break room, all exhausted from pulling multiple double and triple shifts in a row. They listened as a Grief counselor introduced herself. Explaining the processes of grieving for a co-worker and friend. How you may feel fine and grief can hit you out of no where. But Grissom knew he didn't feel fine. He missed his friend, his student.
Warrick was ripped from them too soon, and his absence was hard to swallow. But more than that, he was angry that he was grieving alone. Feeling that Sara should have done more to stay. That despairing sadness that he'd felt the first time she'd left was back, and this time it hurt worse.
He now stood in Hodges' lab, performing a routine test as Hodges walked in:
"Are you preforming a Head-space S.A?"
"Yes. Which I believe is your job."
"I was just uh, no where. You want me to finish up?"
"I'm almost done." Grissom continued to mix the chemicals.
"Um, hold on a second."
"What?" Grissom looked up, annoyed.
"You added the liverating agent."
"Yes."
"Then the solfuric... you skipped over the Sodium-Diathinoid?"
"Yes, I think I did." Grissom's voice softened as realization washed over him, "I think I must have done it with all of these."
"It would be best to redo the whole S.A. Look, I can get it." Hodges grabbed his lab coat and slipped it on, "Should have been doing it to begin with. Don't worry about it. I know it's been a long day."
"Everyday is a long day." Grissom responded sadly.
Grissom walked into the break room seeing Patricia, the psychiatrist, sitting there. He walked past her.
"Looking for me?" She spoke as she watched him poor hot water into his cup.
"No, just getting more tea."
"I think we should talk."
"I'm very busy right now"
"I know you've got a lot going on right now, but I think it will do you good. When you get time, I'm here."
"Thank you." Grissom turned around to face her, "Look, this may be a little out of your area of expertise, but lately I've been having some problems with Hank—"
"Grissom!" Hodges rushed in to tell him the results of the tests, "Carbon Monoxide."
"I've got to go." Grissom spoke to Patricia before bolting out of the break room and down to see Greg.
Later on he sat behind his desk, Greg having just filled him in on the killer's "artful" techniques. He watched as Greg turned on his heels to exit, passing and nodding to Patricia as she entered Grissom's office.
"Dr. Grissom. I was wondering if I might have a word with you."
"Yes of course. Come in." Grissom gestured to the seat opposite his desk. She did not sit.
"I wonder why you hold what I do in such obvious contempt."
He furrowed his brows, not sure what she was getting at. "Excuse me?"
"The last time we spoke, you mentioned that you were having some problems with Hank. Now, out of concern for you and because I take my job very seriously, I started asking around. And was met by a mixture of bafflement and smirks. By most of your staff until David Hodges took pity on me and informed me that Hank, was your dog."
"I apologize. It was a serious question."
"Oh really?"
"For the last few weeks my dog's been... listless. Barely eats. And I just wondered, if you thought it was possible, that pets could take on the emotions of their owners." Grissom shrugged sadly.
"Well." Patricia softened and moved to sit in the chair opposite him now, "Companion animals were bread to respond to human beings. At some level, I do believe that they resonate with what their owners are feeling. So what are you feeling?"
"I've just been... a little distracted lately. I'm having a hard time focusing on the details."
"That's normal."
"Not for me." "I wondered if you knew... typically, how long this lasts."
"There's no typical. Days, weeks, sometimes years. The important thing is to acknowledge it. But you do have to talk about it. And if not with me, then with somebody else. And soon." Who? He mused, Sara? Sara who was absent, fleeing when it got too hard? Sara, who was a main reason why he was so sad. He sighed internally, he hated how upset he was with her when he knew he truly couldn't blame her.
Grissom smiled sadly as his phone rang, cutting their conversation short.
October 2008
Grissom and Catherine stood over the body on opposite sides of the table. He picked out shards of glass from the victim's skin with a tweezer, listening to the methodic sound of glass hitting metal as he dropped the shards into a bowl one by one.
"Gil?"
He looked up to see her staring at him.
"Did you hear anything I said?" She paused, watching his blank face, "I said the glass shards are superficial."
Grissom simply nodded.
"Are you getting any sleep?" She received no response as she took in his appearance, "Me neither. What do you hear from Sara?" She spoke softly.
Grissom looked up briefly and shook his head in small movements, "I don't know where she is."
Catherine tried to hide her surprise and watched as Grissom returned to the task on hand. Suddenly his appearance was given new light. He wasn't just mourning the loss of Warrick, he was also mourning the loss of Sara. Even though she lived, he lost her out there in the desert, Catherine realized, and she never really came back.
"She's not in San Fransisco anymore?"
Grissom shrugged mindlessly, "Your guess is as good as mine."
Grissom laid in bed staring up at the ceiling, just has he had a week ago. Except instead of Sara's head resting on his chest, now it was Hank—Whimpering sadly as the phone continued to ring on.