Title: Holding On and Letting Go (2/2)
Author: LaueHime
Rating: PG.
Genre/pairing: Angst, Hurt/Comfort. Gen.
Characters: Mainly Barry Allen, Leonard Snart and Joe West, with glimpses of Caitlin Snow, Cisco Ramone, Harrison Wells, Zoom and Lisa Snart.
Word count: 4.7k+ for this part (9k+ total)
Warnings: Spoilers for season 2, up to the mid-season finale.
Summary: Post mid-season 2 finale and going slightly AU after that. It takes one of his friends getting hurt to break Barry down and it takes an unexpected frenemy to pick him back up.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Flash or intend to make any profit out of this.
A/N: There is the second and final part of this story! I hope you enjoy the ending! I also wanted to say a huge thank you to those of you who followed, favorited and reviewed this story so far. I've really appreciated the support! Please let me hear your thoughts on the whole story! It'll help me improve as a writer, but it'll also make me very happy.
I've also had thoughts for a sequel after the Flash episode where Barry meets a certain someone and the Legends episode where Cold goes back in time for a certain something... I'm not saying more but you should understand what I mean once you've read the chapter. I thought they could have an interesting conversation... You let me know if any of you would be interested in reading that!
Until then, enjoy this chapter!
FLASH
"You can walk out of here with a clear conscience or you can bear the guilt of not being able to save so many lives. Your choice," Snart offered.
He motioned at the bystanders who were following the conversation.
Barry could count at least twenty. There was no way he could get everyone outside in time to avoid casualties. By the look on their faces, they were all terrified. It wasn't surprising considering Leonard Snart was truly unpredictable.
Barry clenched and unclenched his fists. Whatever Snart would ask in exchange, the speedster knew he wouldn't like it but wouldn't have much of a choice when lives were at stake.
"What do you want me to do?" he finally asked, only to read Snart's growing delight.
"Now we're starting to discuss the real matter."
An elderly man rose from behind the counter. His legs were shaky and he was obviously channeling all the stamina he could muster in order to achieve his move.
"Please, Flash. Don't let him kill us," he begged, his voice breaking past his trembling lips.
Barry put a hand out to stop the man from moving further and nodded. He then took the time to look at all of their faces. They were all scared, from what he could tell.
Only, there was also faith in their eyes. They trusted and counted on him.
For a second, he cursed Snart's wit. The man knew exactly which strings to pull to have him at his mercy. Yet again, he had proved that he had the upper hand.
Barry sighed in defeat. The odds weren't in his favor.
"I won't. Don't worry."
He tried to look at every one of them again and to convey how he wouldn't let them down with his body language .
Captain Cold snorted.
"Wow, you're already making promises before even hearing the end part of the deal. It must be so defeating to know that whatever you do, you've already lost," Cold jeered with pure glee.
Lisa joined her brother's jubilant mood with a victorious smile.
Barry was pretty much the only one in the trio who wasn't amused at all. He bit on his bottom lip to keep from releasing a few choice words, or the depths of his thoughts all the same.
It wouldn't bring him any good.
With a forced smile, he nodded for Snart to go on.
"You're gonna get both my sister and I out of here and to a safe place. Then we're gonna talk."
Barry felt rising irritation at receiving orders from none other than Captain Cold.
On the other hand, he couldn't object to them. It did feel even more frustrating to not have any form of power on the matter.
For everyone's sake though, he would do as he was told.
Lisa tightened her grip on her bags, which were filled with bills. Barry shook his head in disagreement, but he didn't voice it aloud.
He grabbed her tightly and left in a flash of red.
Snart smiled with contempt. He turned to the hostages and glared at them; his smile never wavering.
The Flash was back within seconds. Barry pursed his lips and motioned for Snart to get ready. The latter also grabbed his bags tightly and held on to the Flash for the ride.
The feeling was that of being pressed into a tight rubber tube and dragged through by a hook.
Captain Cold had to refrain from the urge of being sick when then finally landed on solid ground.
At least, that's how their arrival felt to him.
Lisa was already there and starting to go through her duffels.
"That was quite a catch, Lenny!"
Snart held a protective arm against his midsection. Whether he was trying to keep his lunch inside or to get a sense of his bearings was unclear.
Barry had brought them where Lisa had directed him. They were in an abandoned storage unit that must have been where the Snart siblings had set up camp to plan their felony. Aside from a couple of chairs and a desk that was standing on duct tape and hopefully planted nails, the room didn't have much to offer beside its apparent hiding utility.
Barry inspected the amount of dust in the corners and even managed to localize a spider nest where two walls met with the concrete ceiling. He snapped out of his observations when Cold's voice reached his ears.
"Thanks to the Flash, we'll be able to pay for some decent gear!"
There was a hint of pride in Cold's voice, as if being able to manipulate the speedster into serving his own needs was something he was bound to brag about.
Barry snorted.
"Since when do you need money to do that? I thought you preferred to steal your gear."
The sarcasm in his voice brought a fierce smile to Snart's lips.
"Well, I am a thief."
Lisa turned from the conversation and started to take the bills out for a count. She wanted to know the extent of their prowess.
Barry started to tap his foot. To him, Snart could feel like a broken record at times. It always came down to the same things and this time didn't seem like it would be any different.
Barry had other matters to attend to.
"I should've ran you straight to the CCPD's precinct, but then I guess I do owe you one for last Christmas," Barry admitted dejectedly.
"Still, I wouldn't do it if I were you. Unless you want people to know who you really are beneath that pretty suit," Snart replied with a content hum.
Barry looked at the lightning symbol at the center of his chest. When he had become the Flash, it was to stop people like Snart. He hadn't expected that there would be a day when he would be blackmailed into helping criminals.
His day wasn't getting any better.
"Congratulations, Snart. You have me on a leash. Why don't you use that money and drink to that?"
Sarcasm poured from Barry's mouth as he spoke. Only, his irritation didn't go unnoticed.
"You're in a mood today, aren't you Scarlet?"
Barry clenched his fists.
"Look. I just wanna get this over with. You're out of the police's sight and you've got your money. What do you want from me?"
Snart walked to the closest chair while keeping his eyes on the speedster. He sat down as soon as he reached it, tossing his goggles aside and motioning for Barry to grab the other chair.
"Cool down, kid. Have a seat. Talk."
"Sorry, but I don't have time for gossips. I've got other things on my plate right now."
Which was true. In his frenzy, Barry hadn't yet called Caitlin to get an update on Cisco's condition. His friend still hadn't woken up from the damage Zoom had inflicted upon him.
Cold puckered his lips into a childish pout. His eyes froze on the ground at Barry's feet. It took a few seconds for his mouth to stretch into a tight line. He looked back up and at Barry's face with a new depth into his eyes.
"You're snappy. Restless. Plus, you run around the city chasing criminals without second thoughts. I'd say you're venting or you don't care if you get killed. Maybe both."
A reflection of the main light bulb sparkled at the corner of Snart's blue-green eyes.
Barry crossed his arms over his chest; shielding himself from the threats of the outside world.
"What is this? Therapy?" he asked defensively.
Snart remained silent. To weigh his words in, he too crossed his arms and reclined into a more comfortable position into his chair.
"Right, because you're the poster boy for sanity... Really, Snart! Forget what I said about drinking to your victory. Maybe you should invest that money into College, instead. You've clearly missed your true vocation," Barry snapped as irritation wrapped its bony fingers around his throat and threatened to suffocate him.
To receiving the kid's words, Snart only smiled. There was something sad in his face, although it didn't appear for more than a second before it vanished.
"Well, I had a crappy guidance counselor."
Lisa looked up from her money to shoot her brother a concerned look. She tried to pretend that she wasn't listening, but her curiosity had risen from what had been said.
"Who's dead?" Snart asked, suddenly breaking the silence.
Barry's eyes widened with surprise. He almost uncrossed his arms, but stopped his movement when he realized what he'd been about to do.
"Nobody."
"Then who almost died?" Snart rolled his eyes. It's not like Barry didn't know where he was going with this. He'd seen the flash of surprise in the kid's eyes.
Years on the street had made him very observant.
Barry swallowed before tightening his lips. "Cisco," he replied through clenched teeth.
Lisa's head snapped up at the news. Her face bore pure shock and something that was verging on horror. "Cisco's hurt?"
Her question was barely noticed by the two men in the room.
"Who did it?" Cold continued.
Barry's face turned to one of confusion.
"Wait, how did you know?"
At being ignored, Lisa dropped what she was doing to walk up to them. "He is okay?"
The Flash finally turned to her. He acknowledged that her concern appeared to be genuine. He felt a pang in his heart; for his friend, but also because he hadn't realized that he had made this problem his own while other people obviously hurt as much as he did.
He thought about Caitlin. Guilt quickly washed over him.
"He's holding his own. Zoom did it," he added while turning his attention back to Snart.
A flash of understanding crossed the latter's eyes.
"The speedster who paraded you all over the city like a trophy?"
Barry showed his incomprehension plainly without uttering a word.
"Iron Heights has cable TV, you know."
Barry nodded in understanding. Still, a question remained. "How did you know?"
Snart's lips turned into a lopsided smirk.
"Call it an educated guess. Why did he hurt your friend?"
The speedster started pacing. "To get to me. I'm the one that Zoom wants and he doesn't care who dies in the process."
"Should I be worried?"
Barry snorted. "Zoom's more likely to hurt the people I care about."
Snart didn't budge. Lisa was the one whose face changed; her lips puckering with something that looked like surprise and then disappointment. She turned back to her piles of money since the conversation had obviously drifted and she started to feel like she didn't belong in it anymore.
"Cold," Snart finally stated in response to Barry's last words.
The speedster then seemed to be avoiding meeting his gaze.
Barry wasn't going to start saying that he was sorry.
"So what now? You made it your own personal vendetta to go against this Zoom?" Cold picked up again after a bout of silence.
"How is this not personal?" Barry snapped back, his voice gaining a few additional decibels.
"You tell me, Scarlet. And those criminals you've been chasing in the last few days, was that personal too?"
Barry started to fume. "Are you lecturing me? Is that what this is about?"
Snart crossed his arms over his chest. "No," he started before pausing.
Barry's eyes pressed him to elaborate.
"I wanted you to know that I understand why you're doing this."
"Is that so?"
Cold shrugged lightly. "If someone hurt the people I love, I would want them dead too."
Barry received that statement like a blow to his strong façade and frowned. "I…I'm not looking to kill him…I just wanna stop him," he replied shakily.
Cold snorted. "Right, you do. Because you're so much better than all of us. You think you can save him, maybe? Make him turn into a good guy? Get him to apologize for what he did?"
The Flash shook his head vigorously but he didn't reply.
"People don't change, Flash. Monsters will always be monsters."
Barry tried to swallow the other man's words, but they felt stuck like they wouldn't go down. A part of him was screeching inside his head; wanting him to hear that it agreed with Snart's proposition. He couldn't let that part of him corrupt what he fought so hard to be. The good guy. The forgiving and understanding one.
A memory flowed back into his mind without asking permission to invade. He remembered Patty, standing over her father's killer and shaking with pure hatred as her finger caressed the trigger of her pointed gun. He could hear his own words to her, playing in a loop.
That's when he realized where those words had come from. They were the echo of his own voice, playing in his own head like a mantra. And he couldn't deny it anymore.
He wasn't over the urge to kill the man whom had wronged him. He only controlled it. Breathed through it whenever it became overwhelming.
Leonard Snart cleared his throat after a while. Barry was brought back to the present and to Cold's all-knowing smirk. Without asking, he knew the man was all aware of the places he had gone to in his head.
"Maybe we have more in common than you care to admit," Snart offered.
Barry rejected the idea with his whole being.
"I'm nothing like you, Snart."
"Oh really? Tell me you've never shook with the desire to kill someone after they've hurt you and your loved ones… Tell me you wouldn't do everything in your power to stop that person at all costs… Tell me it's not the first thing you think about when you get up in the morning and the last when you go to bed... Can you do that?"
Barry tried to take deep breaths through his nose, hoping it would stop his body from shaking. He bit on his bottom lip, unable to give an honest answer.
"Our means may be… different, you might say. But are they, really?" Snart continued while staring into the depth of Barry's eyes. "You hate feeling powerless so you do something… no matter the cost… even if it means losing your life… you'll do what needs to be done."
Barry thought back to everything that went down since the particle accelerator explosion. After becoming the Flash, how many times had he been hurt or nearly killed in order to stop something horrible from happening? How many times had he gone after danger to stop it from reaching his friends? And what lengths did he go to in order to achieve that?
Turning back time to stop the city from being destroyed…
Running into a singularity to stop it from destroying the world…
Letting a friend sacrifice himself to close said singularity…
Almost dying several times to save someone…
He finally let Snart's words sink into his head.
You hate feeling powerless…
You'll do anything…
Even if it means losing your life…
"Who is it that you couldn't protect, kid?"
Barry's eyes snapped back into focus. All his musing led to a lump forming in his throat.
Soon enough, his eyes felt the familiar sting of tears.
He leaned against the wall and let himself slide all the way down. Once seated, he brought his knees closer to his chin.
"My parents," he admitted with a cracking voice. That's when he realized that his behavior had nothing to do with being the Flash.
Even Barry Allen had run in the face of danger a couple of times in order to protect his loved ones.
"I couldn't save my mother's life… and it took me years to get my dad out of prison, but even that wasn't really my doing so… I guess I'm not the hero everyone thinks I am…"
He hid his face against his knees to keep the Snart siblings from seeing his tears.
Unexpectedly, Len rose from his chair and walked towards Barry. He then let himself slide right next to the scarlet-clad speedster.
Barry was surprised at first, but he didn't make a move to get away.
"Let's say it's true. Then what does it mean to you?"
Their eyes met for an instant; both voluntarily turning away afterward to cut the awkward moment short.
Barry swallowed multiple times while searching for his words. "That I'm weak… that despite my speed, I'm powerless…"
"Powerless to save the people of this city or powerless to save your parents?"
The speedster started trembling in his best effort to keep his emotions contained.
"With my speed, I can travel through time, even though I'm not supposed to mess with the timeline… I had a chance to go back. To change it. To save her... But I couldn't do anything…"
The lump in Barry's throat was making it almost impossible to speak at that point. Thinking back to that night where he had to watch his mother die all over again brought an all new level of pain inside his chest.
"How did she die?" Cold asked with a sudden softness to his voice.
"She was murdered by the Reverse Flash… because he wanted to hurt me."
At mentioning the name of his mother's killer, Barry's jaw clenched and his nostrils flared with rage. "I couldn't stop him… but then, a friend of mine sacrificed his life to erase him from existence…"
Barry had a thought for Eddie. Then he thought about Iris and how she had lost more than a friend that night.
"So you didn't get your revenge? It's still eating you inside, isn't it?" Len had snapped back to his usual tone. The all-knowing one.
Only, Barry couldn't disagree. He hadn't taken Thawne out by himself and then he had lost too many friends that day.
All of that because he had tried to save his mother… and failed.
"How do you make it stop?" Barry asked, suddenly turning pleading eyes to the thief sitting next to him.
Cold looked down at the floor.
"I might not be the best person to answer that question for you. I don't do forgiveness… I get rid of the problem. Permanently. Remember my father?"
Barry nodded while studying Snart up and down.
Suddenly, he was attracted to the other man. Not in a romantic kind of way, but he did feel some kind of connexion. Just like that, he realized that he needed to know more about the criminal that everyone despised.
"What's your story, Snart?"
The thief shrugged.
"My dad was a cop. A bad one, that is. When you're the law, I believe you're not supposed to break it… Anyway, he was a thief as you've seen when you met him. Bad one, once again. Basically he was bad at everything he did, including being a father... Got caught, went to jail, learned a couple of new tricks… He wasn't the same when he got out. I guess ex-cop and ex-con don't do well together…"
He took a pause and Barry nodded to indicate that he was following so far.
"To say that he was an abusive drunk doesn't cut it, but you get the picture. He drove my mother away… so my sis and I were left alone with the son of a bitch."
Len paused again. His eyes clouded over with dark shadows that Barry could only assume were memories. They weren't good ones from the looks of it.
"My grandpa was a nice man. He'd take me in when my father was in a bad mood. When he died, I just knew that I could never count on anyone but myself again. So I left."
"And you became a criminal..."
"Being kind-hearted doesn't exactly pay the bills."
Barry nodded and thought about their conversation for a moment.
"So who was it that you couldn't save?"
Snart was taken aback by the returning act of his own question. "Myself. Mostly," he replied quietly.
Barry linked the dots together and things started to make sense.
"Being stone cold, stealing for a living and killing whoever is after you, that's not something you do to look cool. You're actually fending for yourself by pushing everyone away… because as long as you're alone, no one can hurt you…You're protecting yourself."
Leonard didn't reply. He kept his gaze fixated on the other side of the room. Barry was starting to understand what kind of high Cold got from reading him.
It was like entering a whole new territory. Like having a VIP pass to unseen landscapes.
"So what? We do what we do to save ourselves from our past?" Barry hypothesized.
Snart huffed a forced breath. "I'll keep doing what I do and I assume you will too."
The speedster nodded.
"Do you think we'll ever find peace?" Barry asked in a breath.
He refused to think that his past would forever define his future.
"I don't know, kid. Do you think you'll ever fail to save someone and not feel guilty about it?"
Barry shook his head. That guilt was part of him, encrypted in his core drive; the one that made him who he was.
"You can't win every fight. Some of 'em you'll lose. That's just the way things are."
"I know, but I can't help it. If there is anything I can do, I need to try..."
Len nodded. "I know," was all he said.
They sat in silence for a while, both reminiscing about past challenges.
Barry couldn't help but make the connections between himself and Leonard Snart. Their ways were different. Snart was a killer and Barry tried not to be. It didn't mean that he had never thought about it. Seeing Wells from Earth 2 had reminded him of how vibrant his anger was.
Only, he couldn't bear to have another loss on his conscience.
Getting rid of the problem wasn't his coping strategy. He preferred to find solutions.
But thinking about Snart and his story helped him understand. He still didn't agree with the man's methods, but he understood.
They weren't going to be friends, but at least they had reached a mutual comprehension.
"What do I do now?" Barry suddenly dared to ask. Something about their conversation made it feel okay for him to question Leonard Snart.
"What do you usually do when you feel like that?"
Barry didn't need to think too deeply.
"I talk to Joe about it. He doesn't always understand, but he's always there for me." Saying it brought a smile to his face.
"Then you know what to do."
Barry nodded. He started to pull himself up, but stopped abruptly when he realized something was missing. "What about you?"
Snart didn't move from the floor, but he looked up. "Don't worry about me. I'll manage just fine."
"Okay. Well, I better go or my friends will start asking questions," Barry announced sheepishly.
"You do that."
Barry made an affirmative move of his head. He was about to leave when something forced its way up his throat before he couldn stop it.
"Thanks, Len. I… thanks for hearing me out." He didn't know how else to say that he was grateful.
That was completely unexpected, but he did realize that he was feeling a little better than he had been for a while.
Only, gratitude seemed to make Snart uncomfortable for he only managed to make a move of his hand, inviting Barry to proceed with whatever he had to do next.
Barry didn't push it. For someone who seemed dead-set on caring only for himself, Snart wasn't as bad of a person as he pretended to be. Maybe that was part of the protective shield he'd built around himself.
Bonds can turn on you and use your weaknesses against you. It would only be logical for someone who has been abused repeatedly to cut them all off before getting hurt.
Still, Snart had opened up. Maybe he had some kind of trust in Barry. Strangely, the latter didn't feel like breaking that trust, if it was even there.
Who knew? Maybe Leonard Snart did have some good in him.
FLASH
Joe was pacing back and forth, wearing holes into the wooden floor of his living room. It was all over the news that there had been a hostage situation at the bank and that it had been orchestrated by Leonard Snart and his sister. The Flash had disappeared with them a few hours ago and no one had heard from him ever since.
Joe had called Caitlin to ask her if she could track Barry down, but she informed him that Barry must have turned his com off because she couldn't get any readings from him.
The detective was going nuts, imagining all the possible scenarios that could have went down.
What if Cold killed Barry?
What if Barry had run off after Zoom and gotten himself killed?
What if another meta was somehow involved?
Joe was verging towards a panic attack when the front door opened on a weary looking Barry Allen. Despite the obvious exhaustion, the kid was still smiling albeit sheepishly.
"Barry!" Joe breathed out while jogging towards his foster son.
"Hey, Joe. I'm so sorry I didn't give you an update. I have no excuse, really."
"I'm just glad you're okay. Do you have any idea of the scenarios that played out in my head while you were gone?"
Barry could read how worried Joe had been.
It hit him how distant he had been in the past few days and he instantly felt bad about it.
"Can I just… can we hug?" he asked shyly.
It took a moment for Joe to process the question but as soon as he did, he wrapped his kid into a tight embrace.
"Of course, Bar. Are you okay?"
Barry let himself feel warm and safe inside Joe's arms. It occurred to him that he had a tendency to forget how comforting it felt to be held when he was upset.
"Yeah. I'll be fine. I just remembered how lucky I was to have you adopt me when I was a kid."
Joe felt tears rush up for his eyes to bathe into.
They separated so they could look at each other.
Joe felt like he had something to say.
"Listen. I know things happen and I can't control them or make them go away. I know you're upset about what Zoom did to Cisco and that you want to catch him. As much as it pains me to know the dangers that await you, I know that I can't stop you. It's what you have to do. So I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this, Bar. If there's anything I can do, just let me know."
Barry, as fast as he was, wasn't fast enough to stop the tears that cascaded down his cheeks. Despite the strong whirlwind of emotions that assaulted him, he managed to break through it with a genuine smile. "Thanks, Joe."
He instinctively wrapped his arms around his father figure. Again.
His conversation with Cold had made him realize a few things. As strong as his will to do something was, what he hadn't taken into account earlier was the love and support that he had grown to accept and even appreciate.
Maybe that's why he was different from Snart. He could refrain from killing because he had friends and family that loved him and encouraged him to do the right thing.
And it felt right to have them by his side.
Who knows what he would have become if he hadn't had Joe and Iris take him in when his mother died and his father went to prison…
Who knows what he would have done with his powers if he hadn't had Cisco and Caitlin to always watch out for him…
Even Dr. Wells had made him a better person. A better hero.
So yeah, he wouldn't save everyone.
But through losses, he had gained a lot.
"I wouldn't be what I am if it weren't for you. Thank you for everything," Barry uttered through his multiple realizations.
Joe wasn't sure where that was coming from, but he tightened his embrace on his kid. Whatever had happened in those hours Barry was MIA, it had changed something in him.
"Hey, do you wanna have pizza and watch a movie? It would be just like old times," Barry proposed when they pulled apart for the second time.
"Sure thing, kiddo."
Barry was gone and back in a flash with a large carton of pizza and a pack of beers.
They settled on the couch for their boys' night.
Only later did Caitlin call to tell them that Cisco was awake and that he was going to be okay.
Barry's heart loosened for the first time in a week.