This is Chapter 5 of the series.-Wild
M-Rating on this one ;)
Playing With Fire
July 23rd, 1998
"Happy Birthday, Julia."
I can't believe my eyes when I turn around and see Mikael standing before me. My friends from high school giggle and make overtly approving sounds next to me at the gorgeous young man they're laying eyes on for the first time. I've never mentioned him or the insanity of the other life I lead beyond the borders of this tiny town for obvious reasons. The idea they're mixing now is terrifying.
"What are you doing here?" I'm trying to keep my cool in front of my group of friends but panic is surging through my veins as I look around to see who's watching us. This is forbidden on so many levels. Mikael twirls a wild purple flower he's picked from the café garden across the street between his fingertips and steps towards me, threading it behind my ear.
"I needed to see you." He smiles and gives a little wave to my friends all standing in line around me to buy tickets to the movie we're seeing. The girls are practically bouncing beside me in his presence. "I missed you."
"Oh my God, Jules… he's gorgeous!" Kate whispers loudly in my ear, clutching my arm. "Who is he and how do you know him?" The boys in my group of friends are glowering at Mikael with pinched eyebrows and crossed arms seeing the fuss and reaction of their girlfriends to the mysterious stranger before them. Mikael is much taller, clearly foreign given his accent and older than us all.
"An old friend from summer camp. Can you guys give us a minute, please?" Ignoring her comment on how gorgeous he is, I grab Mikael's hand leading him across the street from the movie theater so they can't hear this conversation. "You shouldn't be here, Mikael." I remind him of Ulric's stern warning that I've absolutely taken to heart after the harsh lesson I'd learned two summers ago in a shipping crate over my disobedience.
"He won't know I'm here. As far as he knows, I'm in Banff with my friends and Nyah across the border. Don't worry." Mikael smiles and leans forward, kissing the space before my ear and whispers, "Happy 17th Birthday, Jules." Before kissing me again in the same place. His lips linger against my skin for just a moment before pulling back slowly. A shiver runs through my body at the contact and our eyes lock as he moves away while I hear whistles and cheers erupting from my friends across the street.
During the last several missions Mikael and I have been on together this year, our attraction to each other has only grown in spite of my efforts to try and pay no attention to it. Each accidental brush of our skin, or longing look across a room lit a fire inside that was growing more difficult to ignore.
Our last mission together at the very beginning of this summer in Thailand had almost been our undoing. We'd gone with the usual cover story for us, as young lovers traveling the world together, who this time were lounging on the beach along with many other tourists. It was all too tempting in reality though, when our kiss turned into something more with our nearly naked, wet bodies in skimpy swim suits melding together in the sand. With all our forbidden parts pressed together it turned heated very quickly and for the first time, I felt just how attracted Mikael was to me pressed up against me. We'd almost missed our target approaching by boat, so engrossed with each other and our façade. The days that followed were shear agony trying to maintain our distance while working on the mission and not crossing the line. Mikael grew frustrated each time I pulled back and reminded him of Ulric's rules regarding our relationship. He insisted there were ways to work around those ridiculous rules but I insisted that we follow them, even if I hated them, too.
"You never answered me." He speaks quietly running his fingertips down the tanned skin of my arm sending more shivers down my spine. The tone he's using and the way he's looking at me now, I know exactly what he's speaking about.
"Answered you about what?" I stall trying to swallow the lump in my throat.
"My offer." He nearly whispers.
That offer is all I've thought about nearly every minute of every day for the last two and a half months, even when I was supposed to be working, which was incredibly dangerous to lose such focus. "What offer?" I play dumb and look away towards my friends across the street who are pretending they're not watching my interaction with him with rapt fascination.
"Julia…" He chides me with a knowing tone.
"Jules!" My friend Angela shouts across the street waving us over, "The movie is about to start! Are you going to join us for this birthday celebration of yours? Or are you ditching us for the mysterious hotty?" She giggles.
"I'm coming." I shout back, "Just give me a minute."
"You need to answer my question." He insists.
"I need to go." I try to walk away but he grabs my wrist and stops me. We both feel another surge of electricity pulse through us staring at his hand on my skin.
"Julia…" He tries again with a more somber tone to discuss the offer I'm desperately trying to avoid thinking about.
"Do you want to come with me?" I ask instead, throwing him off topic with my request. "To this movie, I mean. Do you want to join us?" I fidget nervously and pull my hand away from his grasp slowly. "Armageddon. It's the blockbuster of the summer and they say it's pretty good." I smile at him trying to distract him.
"It is good. It's been out a while now. I saw it earlier this month when it first came out." He seems a bit miffed that I'm evading his offer and our obvious attraction for each other.
"Well, I was a bit busy in case you didn't know to see it any earlier than now…" I whisper scold him back, reminding him of my recent months long mission in the Middle East that immediately followed our mission in Thailand. "Sorry I offered. You don't have to join us if you don't want to."
"I want to spend time with you."
"I've already made plans with them, Mikael. I'm not going to ditch them. I haven't seen them in months and I only get two weeks off before I have to go back to Iraq." I speak quietly in barely above a whisper.
"I know. That's why I want to spend time with you, alone, now." He insists.
"I'm not just going to leave them, especially during my own birthday night out."
"Jules!" Angela yells at me again as they're all heading inside the theater.
"I'm coming!" I yell back and turn towards Mikael. "Look, how long are you in town for?"
"Not long. Tomorrow night or the next morning at the latest. I can't explain my absence any longer than that." He speaks quietly and I can almost see his bottom lip sticking out in a pout that I'm not willing to ditch my friends for him when he's gone to all this trouble to sneak away and see me.
"Maybe I can see you tomorrow. Where are you staying?" I ask quickly.
"At your house." He smiles more widely and I balk. "I know your grandfather left this evening to stay with your aunt this weekend. You have more than enough room in that big old house with all those empty bedrooms."
"You've seen my house?" I ask the last question that comes to mind, but still stunned he's planning to stay in my home. "You cannot stay with me."
"I saw it earlier this evening when I came to find you. I met your grandfather. He said I'd find you here." He smiles catching me further off guard, "And why can't I stay with you?" He quickly switches topics.
"Because the girls are all staying over with me tonight. You're going to have to stay somewhere else. I need to go, Mikael. They're waiting for me."
"Fine. Tomorrow then." He smiles and reaches for my hand, kissing my fingers and staring deeply into my eyes. "But we're not finished with the conversation about my offer."
"You have to stop doing that." I pull my hand away, shaking my head.
"Doing what?"
"Touching me like that… looking at me like that." When he looks at me that way I can barely remember to breathe.
"Looking at you like what?" He asks as though he's innocent.
"Like you're thinking about me naked." I counter and he laughs immediately that I know. "You know we can't be anything more than friends."
"He never said anything against being friends with benefits." Mikael smirks running his fingertips over my naked shoulder. I shudder under his touch again. He laughs when I pull away once more.
"Its just sex, Jules." He whispers with intense eyes reaching for my hand. "You don't have to be afraid of it."
"I'm not afraid of it!" I correct his assumptions, angry that he won't drop this right now. I'm not afraid of sex, I'm afraid of having sex with him and maintaining the status quo where we are to remain just friends.
"Wouldn't you rather it be with me than with Eros?" He asks more softly.
"Of course I would!" I fire back without thinking and see him smile at the bit of truth I've just revealed in my loss of control.
"Then what's stopping you?"
"I'm not ready. Okay? I just… give me some time. Please." I beg him with imploring eyes. He's experienced when it comes to having sex being two years older than I am, so this isn't a big deal to him. But it's a very big deal to me. I love him even if I won't allow myself to admit it or say it out loud. I know that having sex with him is going to change things between us, whether he wants to admit that or not.
"Okay." He leans in and kisses my head, smoothing his hands down the back of my long hair and then kisses my forehead.
"So can we please drop this for right now?" I sigh pulling away, unable to be this close to him anymore.
"Yes." He smiles taking a step back, "Does your offer still stand?"
"Which offer?" I'm confused for real this time.
"To join you for the movie." He laughs at the expression on my face.
"I thought you already saw it?" We start walking across the quiet street towards the theater with the bright marquee lights blinking above.
"I have." He smiles reaching into his wallet to pay for another ticket. "But I'd love to see it with you." He leans over whispering into my ear again, "Besides, I'm most curious to learn more about the mysterious life of Julia Taylor outside of The Council." He smiles and my stomach flips and rolls with both excitement and terror in merging these two worlds of mine.
We sneak in just as the previews are ending and see my friends in the seats near the middle. The theater is mostly empty except for my friends and few scattered souls stretched out here and there. When I look down I see two seats in the back row near the door have been saved with a makeshift reserved sign. I recognize the handwriting scrawled onto the back of the piece of cardboard from a drink carrier as my friends. Angela turns and winks at me with a smile seeing Mikael is still with me as we take the seats she's so obviously saved for us. I know by the look in her eyes she's giving us privacy in her mischievous way. I'm sure she's figured out by now that this is the tall, dark and handsome boy I met at camp years before and would speak of endlessly each year when I returned, whenever she and I were alone together. She teased me mercilessly that we were going to end up together even though I insisted he and I were just friends and he was out of my league.
It becomes very obvious quite quickly why Mikael wanted to stay and see this movie with me. Forbidden lovers sneaking around has an all too familiar ring to it as something we are trying to avoid in real life and yet, the lovers onscreen seem to enjoy, in spite of the chaos it creates. The way Mikael's fingers play with mine throughout the beginning of the movie has me mesmerized. After brushing his fingers away from my bare legs beneath this sundress the first few times, I stop pretending that it bothers me. Instead, I embrace the moment with pounding heart feeling them climb higher and dance their way dangerously up my inner thighs in the shadows of this theater. It's the first time non-mission related I've ever let him touch me like this. We both know in the darkness of this theater we are dangerously close to stepping over the line but neither of us cares. I keep thinking about what I know is coming rapidly in my future and what Mikael has offered me. I'd be a fool not to accept given there are consequences either way. I can either enjoy myself thoroughly having sex for the first time with Mikael, or I can suffer through the experience with Eros as part of my upcoming physical lessons in the Art of Seduction. Weighing out those consequences, while simultaneously feeling Mikael's fingers skating over the skin of my inner thigh makes the choice an easy one. By the end of the movie, I feel on fire. His touch, his scent, and the close proximity have my hormones raging into overdrive with possibilities and I no longer care what might happen after we do this, I just know I want to. Foolish youth, most likely, but I simply don't care.
When I turn my face to look into his eyes, he senses the change in my demeanor and leans in slowly, hesitant to kiss me given how many times I've pushed him away for doing such a thing on our last mission abroad. I close the distance instead, threading my fingers through his dark curly hair at the nape of his neck and pull him closer feeling his tongue sweep through my mouth and claim me. I swallow the slight whimpers we both exhale at finally letting go and savor this moment between us. Our kiss is short lived, pulling apart once more, when we hear the movie credits start rolling and people start getting up to leave. I whisper my acceptance, "I'm ready… when you are. I'm ready." I can't wait anymore with the searing heat between us, getting frustrated every time we get carried away with kissing and end up having to pull away from each other. I didn't want to pull away anymore. I want him and I know he wants me, too.
Mikael's eyes widen, swallowing hard, "Are you sure?" He asks me with a choked voice cupping my face gently with one hand and threading my hair over my ear.
"Yes." I smile at him softly, "I want to be with you. I've wanted to for a long time."
He seems stunned to hear me say it out loud. "Me too." He smiles.
"I'll see you tomorrow. But you need to leave now." I get up, pulling him up beside me.
"Leave? Now? Why?" He asks rapidly, thoroughly confused.
"Because I can't have you near me right now. You're too distracting," I smile shaking my head at the truth of that statement. "And I won't abandon my friends for the remainder of our evening." I keep smiling at him hearing them coming up the aisle, laughing and chatting happily about the film. "I'll see you tomorrow. I promise." I whisper, leaning forward rapidly kissing his cheek and then spin on my heels to join my friends.
It doesn't matter if Mikael is with us or not for the remainder of the evening; he's all I can think about. Agreeing to this offer is likely playing with fire but I don't care. I've denied the attraction for as long as I could. The sexual tension between us has been building for years and right now it feels as though we will both implode unless we do something about it.
Lying in bed, wide-awake while my friend is asleep beside me, I'm consumed with thinking about how it will actually go to be with him after so long of wanting it, dreaming of it, fantasizing about it.
I'm seventeen and he's nineteen, I rationalize, this is long overdue. If it weren't forbidden, I'm sure it would have happened at least two years ago given the change in our relationship. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know I've waited for this, because I wanted it to be with him. I know Mikael's not a virgin, but it honestly doesn't matter to me. I trust him. If he wants to do this with me and make it memorable and more easy for me knowing what's coming, I'm all for it. What's not to be excited about having a gorgeous guy wanting to give you the night of your life? I smile rolling over and close my eyes. Maybe the next year is finally going to be a good one for me after so much heartbreak and sadness.
"Where are we going?" I whisper as we cross the fields dodging in and out of the shadows of tree cover under the bright full moon the following night.
"You'll see." Mikael answers with a smile kissing me even as we keep walking. "It's a surprise." He leads me by the hand deep into my grandfather's massive property through the droves of colored wild flowers that smell heavenly and to the ruins of the old stone mill down by the river. When we round the wall of broken stones I gasp. He's lit hundreds of white candles and placed them all around the enclosure. There is no roof left in this place, just old wooden beams above us. The moonlight shining brightly down onto the space casts a brilliant deep blue over the old stone floor and the cozy nest of pillows and blankets he's made for us. Just behind it, he's lit a cozy fire in the old fireplace that is still standing. The entire area is covered in red and white rose petals.
"It's so beautiful." I smile speaking in a whisper wondering how in the world he's been able to pull all this off.
Mikael smiles happily at me and tugs on my hand walking me slowly towards the center of room. He reaches over pressing play on a small portable stereo he's left near the nest he's made and hands me a single rose with a kiss and smile as the music sets the mood.
"May I have this dance?" He bows slightly holding out his hand with a soft laugh and eyes locked to mine. Our bodies easily meld together with my hand in his. "You're so beautiful, Julia, especially in the moonlight. It does something to your eyes I've never seen in anyone else. It's like they glow." He smiles at me in awe as we sway together softly amongst the mill ruins and under the blue hew of the moon. "I never get tired of looking into your eyes."
He shouldn't be saying things like this given our agreement but it's everything I've been longing to hear and so I ignore the warning bells sounding in my head. Instead, I go with my heart. My hand reaches up pulling his head towards mine softly and kiss him. Our tongues brush with the briefest of contact sending a bolt of electricity through us both; his tongue sweeping into my mouth claiming it softly and the heat between us escalates quickly.
"We can slow down if you want to. We have all night. We don't have to rush." He rests his forehead with mine with one hand cupping my face and our chests pressed together with pounding hearts.
"I can't wait anymore." I kiss him again softly with hand sweeping over his chest and down his sides grasping at the hem of his shirt and pulling it up, stepping back with eyes locked and pulling it all the way off; my eyes drinking in the sight of his chiseled form in the moonlight and smile softly.
Mikael smiles and steps forward until we are almost touching, his eyes still locked with mine and turns me gently so my back is to him. He brushes my long hair off to one shoulder, kissing the bare skin gently with hot branding tongue and makes me gasp softly while his fingers slowly untie my halter top summer dress from around her neck. With the straps free the clingy fabric falls slightly down my chest and back and his fingers push it slowly down my hips with knuckles brushing softly down my sides. His mouth begins a trail of kisses down my back as he slowly pays worship to every inch of soft flesh exposed to him. Sliding the dress over my hips I hear his slight gasp in slight surprise to see I'm not wearing any underwear underneath my dress and I smile.
His hands are almost trembling as they drag the fabric slowly down my legs not needing to, as it would have fallen free to pool at my feet but wanting to touch as much of me it seems as he can. We've been waiting so long for this, I understand his need to feel everything. I step out of the dress softly and kick off my sandals at the same time, my heart is pounding at being completely naked with a man for the first time in my life and preparing myself to turn around and face him.
Mikael swallows hard taking a large step back from me, watching as I turn my head around to look at him over my shoulder before slowly turning my body to follow and exposing the front view for the first time inch by inch.
I can see his chest visibly pounding looking at me for the first time with his view unrestricted by my bathing suit or any other type of clothing, exposing myself to him completely for the first time; mind, heart, body and soul and he tries to speak but can't seem to catch his breath or find his voice.
"My God…" He finally manages in a hushed whisper with tears forming in his eyes. "You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." His chest is heaving with ragged breath and eyes locked to mine as he slowly slides his fingers into the waistband of his jeans and pushes them down his legs slowly keeping his eyes with mine and sweeping over my body again when he pushes his boxer briefs down as well, stepping out of them.
Now it's my turn for my hungry gaze to sweep over his own nearly perfect form and swallow hard at seeing his very long arousal for me already and growing with every passing second. I take a step forward as does he with eyes continuing to discover the secrets of the other hidden for so long and then another step.
Both of our hearts are pounding in our chests. My fingers tips reach up to graze lightly over his pecks and place a kiss over his own pounding heart with eyes slowly coming up to meet his and cup his face.
"You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." I whisper in the same quiet tone with voice thick with emotion. With one last step forward we are touching completely, naked form to naked form for the first time ever and both gasp softly at the contact. His member grows harder when he presses against the soft flesh of my abdomen, just above my radiating heat and my chest pressed against his with hearts speaking to each other.
I tilt my head slightly and lean in with hands going around his neck and head pulling him closer and dragging my tongue slowly across his bottom lip softly before plunging it in softly to meet with his sweltering one and moaning softly when I feel him press into me further and his hands roam up the curves of my body and back down again.
His fingers grasp into my flesh just above my hips and lift me against him. I take my cue and lift my legs, wrapping them around his waist with arms around his neck and still kissing him he slowly walks forward the few paces until his feet reach the blankets and carefully drops down onto his knees amongst the pillows and candlelight. He lays me back softly with eyes meeting mine again when the kiss is broken.
My legs release from around his waist and lie open around him kneeling between them, his gaze smiles softly at my face and leans over, kissing me again before moving down my neck and sucking lightly with swirling tongue over my throbbing pulse point before dragging his tongue over my collarbones kissing each with gentle kisses working his way down my chest.
My heart feels like it's about to explode as I watch him with heaving chest and swallow hard looking up at the moon above me and close my eyes with a gasp feeling his mouth close over my breast for the first time while his hand kneads the other and thumb swirls around the nipple, teasing it.
Mikael swirls his hot tongue around the little brown bud bringing it to a rigid peak and grazing over it lightly with his teeth makes me inhale sharply with a wave of pleasure and a shiver. He pays the same attention to the other before sliding back slowly on his knees and kissing down the center of my belly, his tongue swoops into my belly button while hands graze down my sides.
"Are you okay?" He asks quietly looking up at me.
"Yes." I answer in a breathless whisper again and soft nod and gasp again when his hands slide down the sensitive skin of my inner thighs.
"We'll go slow. A step at a time and work our way up," He speaks quietly with a soft smile, "And if you're not okay at any time or change your mind… let me know and it's okay."
I nod, "I'm sure." I smile, "I trust you, Mikael."
He smiles back at me and dips his head again, kissing up the length of my thigh and getting close to my heat but diverting up and over my hipbone working his way back up. He leans over me with one hand and arm planted beside my shoulder, kissing my mouth once more and probing it suggestively with his tongue while his other hand slides slowly between my legs and fingers dip into my folds, already wet and waiting.
When I feel his thumb flick over my clit for the first time I inhale sharply against his lips and moan softly when he begins to tease it in slow ecstasy rubbing it in circles and pressing hard and then soft, pinching it and sliding his fingers slick with my scent over the throbbing little bundle of nerves until I'm panting softly and mewing.
His mouth covers mine again and laves at my tongue with his while sliding the first finger inside my melting heat and then a second. It feels impossibly tight and we both gasp and groan. His fingers wiggling softly back and forth inside me, and feel my muscles pulsate against them at never having been disturbed before and his thumb continues to work against my clit.
He shifts his palm so he can thrust his long fingers inside me more deeply and uses the heel of his hand to continually stimulate my little pleasure detonator on the outside while the tips of his fingers find the ridges of electrified nerve endings inside my core and begins stroking them with every thrust of his fingers.
"Oh God…" I gasp feeling my body losing control to his touch and pant in short breaths, starting to tremble and involuntarily thrust against his hand. I've never felt like this before in my life and I want more. He moves his mouth down to my breast again and teases me over the edge until I fall with a series of gasps and pants and tremble beneath him coating his fingers and hand. He kisses my mouth again with a smile continuing to use his fingers to thrust against me extending my first wave of pleasure while his mouth makes the trek down my body again. I'm a quivering mess when I feel his tongue slide up slowly through my folds laving at my juices and then comes in contact with my pulsating clit and I gasp loudly, "Mikael!" I hold my breath, fisting the blankets we are lying on tightly with both hands and feel my breath stolen in a continuous stream of sharp inhales staring up at the stars while he sucks and nips, teasing me back onto the edge again with a loss of control over my body I've never experienced before.
"Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god," I chant with quivering legs spread open for him and he plunges his tongue in to taste me deeply. He pulls it out only to replace with a sharp thrust of his two fingers while his mouth continues to worship my clit, throbbing so hard I can feel my her heart beat against his tongue.
With the combined stroking of both of my raging bundles of nerves it isn't long before I'm running full speed at the cliff, trembling and about to explode with more emotions and feelings then I'd ever felt in my life. I'm panting hard in panic with the loss of control chanting in a crescendo, "Mikael, Mikael, Mikael, Mikael, Mikael!" Until I scream again incoherent sounds and fly over the edge seeing stars I didn't know existed with body shaking violently in the most explosive orgasm I'd ever had that consumes my whole body. All my senses are alive and muscles clenching and quivering uncontrollably.
Mikael crawls back up my body with a smile and kisses me, giving me the first taste ever of my own sweet scent that tastes like honey and makes us both moan with electric heat between us. His weight laying fully on top of me propped up on his elbows, I wrap my legs around to drape over the backs of his thighs with my dripping center painting his own throbbing heat and abdomen.
I roll us over wanting to be on top for a while with my limbs still quaking and gasp softly when I feel his rock hard shaft brush against my clit sliding back on his body. I slide back to straddle his thighs and Mikael groans watching me. I throw my long hair over one shoulder and grasp his member for the first time with both of my hands, pulling it away from where it has flattened itself against the slick heat I've left behind on his lower abdomen.
My fingers glide gently over the smooth skin taut with rushing blood and feel the ridges his bulging veins make, tracing them lightly and then brushing my thumb over his head and rim. I stroke it a couple of times making him moan and thrust slightly against my palm. My core is dripping onto his thighs. His eyes widen and hands fist when I slide back further and dropping down taking him inside my wet mouth with tongue wrapping around his head and rim like a warm blanket. I slowly slide down further sucking and then pulling away leaving him chanting my name in turn with gasps. My tongue is a wicked tease and I can see him slam his eyes shut and jerk when I open my throat and let him slide back even further. My lips close around him tightly and move my hand to cup his balls and caress them while pulling away slowly with my mouth causing him to tremble and groan loudly. He sits up suddenly and I pull back, his chest is pounding and he's panting for breath.
"If you keep that up it will be over rather quickly." He smiles and laughs softly, tangling his hands into my hair and kisses me deeply with roaming hands.
"I want to feel you inside me." I whisper with ragged breath. My saturated crux is hovering near his raging shaft. I slowly grasp and stroke it gently making him moan and he tugs at my lip with his teeth before kissing me again. His legs moved under me to sweep back under his own body so he's kneeling with me straddling his thighs.
"Are you sure, Julia?" Mikael asks one more time with a thick voice stilling his roaming hands for a moment to capture my eyes with his.
"Yes," I stare back with tears already in my eyes and tilt my face to kiss him again. My arms go around his shoulders feeling his hands slide down to my hips and grasp me again.
He slides my body up his own and grasps his cock with one hand, aligning it with my heat and holds my gaze. Stilling our kiss and swallows hard when he lets me sink slowly onto him. My breath is stolen the moment his tip first enters my heat and my fingers and nails dig into his shoulders with a long slow gasp and hiss of pain and pleasure to feel him slowly filling me up. He's groaning while my muscles quiver and grasp at him with. He clenches his teeth hard and pulls me against him, stopping my descent onto him fully.
I know what he's doing when he stills and gasps pushing down against him trying to hold me up, "I want all of you, Mikael. Completely." I gasp sharply feeling the added inches rapidly fill me up with my fast thrust onto him. We both still with chests pressed together and pounding hearts echoing when he's filled me completely in a perfect fit allowing me to adjust to the added length. He kisses me deeply and I feel the tears starting welling in my eyes from both pain and pleasure.
"Are you okay?" He asks me again wiping at my tears softly with the backs of his fingers, "Are you in pain?"
I shake my head choking on emotions I never knew existed and kiss him again before answering, "I'm okay," I whisper and then slowly pull myself off of him a little and thrust back down just as slowly getting used to the movement and making us both gasp and moan with the tight friction.
His hands hold me tightly to him and then turns us, lying me back down on the pillows with bodies still connected and pulls out slowly bracing himself with extended arms. His head hangs down and we both watch the point where our bodies are now connecting and see his slippery length slowly pull out of my heat until just his head remains inside and then slowly pushes back in.
The sight and feel of our bodies connecting with each other has us both mewing internally and then gasping when he fills me completely again. My shaking hand slides over my sweat-slicked skin to my lower abdomen where he is buried deeply inside me beneath. I press down feeling my muscles spasm as he slowly pulls out again and then thrusts back in and my tears fall faster at feeling him moving inside me like this.
I pull my legs back further opening myself up wider to him wanting more and allowing him to go deeper. He's pressing against my cervix almost painfully with each thrust and makes us both groan when he pulls out faster and plunges back in faster picking up his speed as I stretch to his width and length. Mikael steals my breath with one hard thrust and moans.
"God Julia, you feel amazing," He grinds out with panting breath as my core continues to clench him so tightly.
One after another his thrusts come swiftly and quickly stealing my breath and making me pant and undistinguishable sounds come from the back of my throat until he's pounding into me with wild abandon. I move my hands to his back, gripping tightly to hang on feeling myself about to implode again with his every thrust and retreat.
"Oh my God!" He groans.
"Mikael!" I scream his name as I fly once more into oblivion sinking my claws into his back with body shaking violently beneath his own and watching the stars exploding before my eyes. He leans down closing his mouth over mine with a hard thrust and erupts inside me with a tidal wave force screaming into my mouth, his eyes slam shut and body still rocking. He continues to drive into me for several minutes until his shaking arms give out.
He drops down onto his elbows pressing his full weight into me; completely spent and collapses over me, burying his face into my hair and neck. He presses a soft kiss to the spot below my ear while we both calm down. He rolls us rapidly so I'm lying on him with bodies still connected and my face buries in against his neck.
My hand moves to twirl the curls at the base of his head while his arms wrap around my body holding me to him tightly. I wiggle slightly forcing myself up onto my elbows to look down at him with my hair curtaining us on one side. My eyes hold fast to his. I smile and lean down to kiss him softly with eyes open this time. "Thank you." I whisper against his lips with fingers brushing through his dark hair. "That was amazing. You're amazing." My smile widens and Mikael's smile does, too. His hands trace up and down the length of my spine lazily. "Everything is amazing." My tears well and fall again and I laugh softly brushing them from my cheek.
"You're amazing. I don't think Eros can teach you anything." He reaches up cupping my face and brushing my tears with his thumb with a soft smile, "I want to do that with you everyday for the rest of me life." He stares intently at me. I can see him opening his soul to me and what he's really saying. Things we are not allowed to say. "There are so many feelings swirling around inside me right now for you, Julia. I think I'm going to explode." He laughs softly and I smile. "I've never wanted somebody as much as I do you. " He whispers softly and swallows hard and looking deeply into my eyes. "Julia, I-" My finger immediately presses against his lips to stop him from saying it.
"You can't say that." I whisper back feeling my heart thundering in my ears to know what he was about to say. What I want to hear but know that we can never say. What we can never be. His eyes narrow immediately while I keep my finger in place. "You know we are forbidden from being anything more than friends." I let my finger drop and pull back.
"I think this qualifies us as being 'more than friends." He counters softly and I can hear the anger in his tone.
"You said you had sex with friends all the time and it didn't mean anything more than 'friends with benefits." I remind him of all the things he'd said when he first proposed this idea in Bangkok, about why this was a good idea. I was about to go through the physical course in the Art of Seduction and I'd never been with anyone before. The idea of my first time being with Eros, my much older instructor, was terrifying. Mikael offered himself instead, wanting to make it special, and my heart pounded then as it was now for it to be him. "You said you wanted my first time to be with someone special other than an instructor." I inhale a cry still thinking about that coming quickly in my very near future. Having to sacrifice my body in the name of duty, not just with Eros, who I knew would be gentle, but actually using my body out in the field this way on targets. "You said you understood this is all we could be if we did this, Mikael."
"I did want your first time to be special and mean something. But I want more than 'friends with benefits with you, Julia." He pleads quietly with fingers trailing down my back, trying to pull me closer again. "I thought I could settle for this. Just friends and doing this so you could get used to sex with someone you knew and trusted in a friend, but I've never felt like this before with anyone else. This wasn't just sex, Jules. This meant something."
My heart is breaking to hear him say that. He's the one with a great deal more sexual experience than me being two years older. To hear him say that this was different than simple sex; that it meant something, what just happened between us, terrifies me. It was more than either of us planned on or at least told ourselves before hand. Tried to convince ourselves that we could just have sex and that's all it'd be.
"Don't you think I want more, too?" I cry and angrily wipe new falling tears with shoulders slumping. I pull back quickly and stand on wobbly legs still trembling from our efforts. "I'm being trained in the Art of Seduction, Mikael. You know what my missions are going to be like from now on! We've been over this a hundred times." I reach for my dress in a pile on the floor inhaling another sob. "We cannot have a real relationship. Ulric made it very clear that it is forbidden given you will one day be my Command." I try to blink back my tears holding the fabric in my clenched hands. "If helping me like this is too much, then we can't do this ever again."
"No!" He quickly reaches over and grabs my wrist, stilling my movements in getting dressed. "It's not too much. It's not enough." He gasps and tugs me back to him with tears in his eyes, devouring my mouth with his once I fall back into his lap. "I'll take whatever I can get." He pants and I can see his eyes are filled with tears matching my own. His hand rips the dress out of my grasp and rolls me over, pinning me beneath his weight again. His eyes sweeping over my face and thumbs away my falling tears. "I'm not giving up on us. But if this is all we can be right now, then I'll take it. I just want you." His lips seal over mine, and tongue sweeps through my mouth stifling my cry. Hands greedily reach for each other as we start all over again in a much more ravenous and frenzied pace. "God, I want you." He gasps trailing hot kisses down my body while I look up at the stars above.
God, I want him, too. This feels so wrong and yet so right and I know we should stop. We're playing with fire. When his mouth latches on once more, all thoughts of stopping flee my mind along with my stolen breath and for tonight at least, I'm willing to risk getting burned.