Not Always a Clear Course
Rating: T, themes of depression and self-harm
Pairing: J/C
Summary: Sometimes the clear course disappears and all that is left is a void. Kathryn struggles the void.
Disclaimer: Don't own Voyager or its characters. Don't have a beta so all mistakes are my own.
Author's note: This is where I've sort of jiggled the episodes round. Basically 'Once upon time' happens before 'night' and is further in the series, this is AU but the general idea of the void is the same.
Please enjoy and let me know how I did in the reviews.
Thank you
That-geek-in-a-hat
=/\=
She sat there baby in her arms and stared at the darkness, it was a void, and she couldn't look away. To the crew the void was something they had to overcome, a challenge. To Kathryn it was something different. She could feel a void building around her swallowing her up from the inside, whispering things to her. It was making her paranoid, she had isolated herself from everyone in attempt to make them go away, let her breath, but they were like germs that used her loneliness against her, turned herself against herself.
When she was young she had this problem, Phoebe was the pretty one and Kathryn was the one her parents pushed to be great but sometimes it got too much. Even though it was so long ago she vividly remembers the red marks against her porcelain skin, the stinging sensation that use to shoot through every inch of her body, most of all she remembers the relief it gave, it was only for a few minutes but it was enough to calm her or tame the thoughts that threatened to swallow her up. Chakotay doesn't know, her daddy never found out and she didn't plan on telling her mom anytime soon, the week after finals she had claimed to be off with friends but had pushed herself to see someone and they really did help. It was now as she held her baby close to her she realises how relaxed her son made makes her feel.
As Anson cried she lifted him up and began to bounce ever so slightly, the back of his grow had tiny dashes of blood, when she noticed she rushed to their bedroom and changed him instantly recycling the stained baby grow, having her son settled she ran the cool water over her forearm, she hissed as the water contacted the wound.
"Kathryn, are you in here?" Chakotay shouted through she grabbed her robe and threw her trousers in the direction of the laundry container and walked out.
"I just got Anson to sleep and was going for a bath, you have excellent timing." She smiled "keep an eye on him will you" she pointed to their room before walking into the bathroom, the door closed and she keyed in a lock code.
=/\=
"How is my boy today?" Chakotay looked into the cot and smiled seeing their son calm and peaceful in his slumber, turning he took off his uniform, now clad in brown slacks and an off-white shirt he ordered an herbal tea and picked up a PADD.
20 minutes later he jumped up to Anson's cries. The little boy was wriggling around the cot his tiny face bright red and scrunched up. Picking him up carefully he walked around their quarters a little but this didn't stop him, Anson didn't smell so his diaper was not in need of changing, trying the rattle, which he was fascinated by and his cries subsided, next it dawned on him that Kathryn had been silent for the entire 20 minutes, normally he could hear her humming or talking to herself but today nothing.
Walking to the door he expected it to open, it didn't he hit the door lightly, at first gradually getting harsher still no answer. Placing their son in his high chair not far from the bathroom door he forced it open. She wasn't there, well he couldn't see her. The bath was filled and Kathryn lay there deep under the water, eyes closed, the world blocked out.
Kathryn herself didn't know what she was doing over the last few weeks she had begun to descend to her dark place. Her body was covered in cuts and bruises, she couldn't bear to use the dermal regenerator she never had, they reminded her of her strength and how she had survived. She lay still as the water soaked each scar, bruise and fresh cut, she hated to admit how much it hurt.
Panicked Chakotay, reached into the water and grasped his wife gently pulling her up. She started to choke and splutter. She breathed heavily clutching her chest.
"What the hell were you doing Kathryn?" it came out harshly and she glared at him.
"Just give me the towel please" she snapped, surprising her concerned husband.
"Kathryn calm down. I'm just worried about you, you are ok aren't you?" he smiled handing the towel to her she moved her hand in a circular motion "I think we are past that, I have seen you naked before…" she glared and he stopped and turned.
"I'm fine just tired, I'm going for a nap, Anson has been grumpy all day and frankly I have a headache maybe he'd like to visit the doctor or Seven, he seemed to like her a lot" She suggested, her tone coming out irritated and forceful. He turned to face her, her face was refreshed but the dark circles were still visible.
=/\=
Kathryn heard the doors hiss shut and she burst into tears. She lay still in the middle of their bed and cried. Without thinking she scrambled to the panel behind her bedside table and pulled out the knife. She went blank for several moments, the tears falling and mixing with the blood on her redden skin. It went on for what seemed liked forever but in reality was only 4 or 5 minutes. Once done she threw the knife back and lay down her wet hair sticking to her face and back.
=/\=
"Hello, Melon" he shouted out in B'Elanna's quarters.
"Chakotay. How are you and this little one?" the half-Klingon smiled at her eldest friend.
"We are fine but I'm about to ask a favour, I just caught Kathryn, I think she…was trying to drown herself. I'm so worried and I don't know what to do…" he began but she grinned knowing what he wanted her to do.
"Go to your wife Chakotay. Melon look who came to join the party" B'Elanna called taking the little baby into her arms, he wasn't her godson like Melonie was her goddaughter but she still loved him dearly.
"Daddy!" she ran through her auburn hair plaited behind her, she jumped into his arms "I love you and mommy, even though she shouts sometimes."
"She loves you too, lots and lots just like I do. Now be a good girl for Auntie B'E and look after your brother." He kissed her forehead.
=/\=
Entering the quarters he was greeted by silence. He ordered soup for himself and Kathryn, mushroom and chicken respectively, then went to their room. She lay there in their bed peaceful at last he moved back through but backtracked his steps, taking a double take he saw the blood by her arms. Gingerly he pulled at the towel and found multiple scars and bruises on her back and he could only assume the continued on to her front.
"Kathryn, love, wake up" it was meant to be a call but sounded more like a plea, she stirred and turned over, slowly her eyes opened. Her arms moved at warp speed, she couldn't let him see.
"I thought you were taking Anson out" she tried.
"I saw Kathryn, why are you hiding from me?" he asked.
"It's weak, a last resort. I haven't done it since my finals at Starfleet Academy, my parents kept pushing and pushing, they never found out Chakotay. I'm sorry, I scared you" her body shook with sobs again and pulled her close instantly stroking her hair.
"You don't need apologise, you just need to promise to a) talk to someone, whether that is me or the doctor and b) give me the…" he stopped not being able to say it out loud. "I want you to be safe, you understand don't you?" he looked down and she looked up her blue eyes had lost their spark but he had vowed to help her through sickness and in health because in real life it isn't always a clear course.
=/\=
This was not the last breakdown Kathryn had during the crew's time in the void however none had been as bad as the first.
Kathryn began talking to the doctor about her depression and after 6 months he was happy she was at some state of normality, she was brighter and Chakotay was glad to see his wife so happy.
They sat on couch one evening, Anson on his chest and Melonie curled up to her mother. Kathryn looked up and smiled.
"I love you" she murmured.
"I love you too, and if you ever need help again come to me straight away no matter what" she nodded before gently placing her head on his shoulder.
=/\=
Author's Note: So this took a long time to right as I wanted it to be right. I hope it was okay and you enjoyed it. I know the next one is a little sad but the next one is, hopefully, funny.
Coming soon: The tale of Voyager's Dog, Two best friend, a devious plan and a really smart holo-pet result in nearly losing Voyager's newest crewmember.
That-geek-in-a-hat