Second chapter up today! All three that will be posted today will be about love in its various forms! Happy Valentine's Day!- Wild
Realizations and Regrets
July 2000
"I'm surprised to find you here." I say watching her take a sip of water as we sit in the warm summer sun.
"It was a compromise. The only place she would allow me to retreat to if I wanted to leave the hospital, insisting it was the only place adequate and safe given my condition."
"How long have you been here?" I ask looking around the beautiful private home on Marie's vast estate, far from the main house where Marie lived but still under her close watchful eye. It was a guesthouse where Casey was now spending her days recovering with an in-home team of care professionals.
"Two weeks." She smiles softly.
"That's earlier than they said you'd be out." I mentally calculate she was released a month earlier than planned.
"Six months may as well have been eternity." She sets her glass down, "Especially after six months in prison. I was about to lose my mind if I couldn't breathe fresh air again and soon, after a year in confinement." She admits. "I told them I would break out if they didn't let me leave." Her fighting spirit is obviously back and it makes me smile.
"You look good." I smile at her. She's put on close to 30lbs and weighs just over 100lb by the looks of it. Far too thin for my liking at all; she has absolutely no muscle but the sunken flesh that once only covered a skeleton is now filling in nicely. Her cheeks are still gaunt but not hollow and the hair on the top of her head has grown in nice and evenly. Her gorgeous blonde hair is back and curling in short waves around her head, no longer bald.
"I don't know about good. But better than the last time you saw me." She runs her fingers through her short but thick locks.
"I wanted to say goodbye. They wouldn't let me." I want her to know I tried. It upsets me greatly that she spent six months in prison and then I just abandoned her to another six months confined in a hospital room without even saying goodbye.
"I know. Mikael told me." She smiles at the surprise in my eyes.
"Mikael told you?" I am surprised.
"Yes. He came to visit once or twice a week each time he was in London." She admits and now I'm floored.
"Mikael. Visited you?" I shake my head, only imagining how that went down. "What on earth could you possibly have to talk about during these visits?"
"You." She answers without missing a beat. "He did all the talking. I did the listening." Her hands fidget with the hem of her shirt. "I can honestly say, I may not hate him as much now as I once have."
"Really?" I'm absolutely shocked. These must have been some conversations. "And why's that?"
"Because now I know he really does love you. That he's no longer just the spoiled prince I've always taken him for. He's learned to think of someone else's wants and needs before his own. I think you taught him that."
"How so?"
"He's finally willing to let you go. To be happy even if that means you're happy with someone else. That's true love."
"He knew you were alive and never told me." I take a deep breath and looking away across the lawn.
"I know. He told me that, too." She reveals even more from their conversations. She doesn't seem angry or mad at all. Her face is a blank slate once more.
"You were right. It would never have worked between us. Not so long as he's Ulric's heir."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. It is what it is."
"Have you seen him yet?"
"No. Not since I left in January. You know how Lady Marie is; she won't let him anywhere near Russia so long as the Red Guard is running around unchecked. Too dangerous." I reach for my glass of water and take a long sip. "But my next big assignment is in South America, this fall and winter. Based in Brazil. I know he's planning a trip there around the same time with some old friends from school, so I'm sure I'll see him soon. Nyah and I are going to try and have some fun while I have Leave for the next month. I think we're going to hit Vegas for my birthday. That should be entertaining. Hopefully we don't end up in jail for her card counting." I smile with a laugh, looking forward to that trip.
"You aren't twenty-one yet. Not for another two years." She narrows one eyebrow at me.
"Well several of my passports say that I am or much older." I shrug with a smile. "I should get to use them for fun, too."
"Just be careful."
I can't help but laugh at her telling me to be careful in Vegas of all things given the nature of what we do.
"Okay. I promise not to get into too much trouble." I smile shaking my head, "I need to have fun, Casey. I need to get my mind off things that can never be. Letting go isn't easy. I've had so many people I love taken from me, it feels wrong to let one go but I know it's the right thing to do. For both of us." Mikael's smiling face flashes through my mind.
"You will find someone, Julia." She stuns me yet again. "Your match is out there." She's always told me time and time again that love is a weakness we cannot afford given our lives and line of work, yet here she is telling me not to give up hope on finding love. "If you see any moment of happiness, seize it. Those are the only moments worth living for. When everything else fades away. That's all that matters. Those moments." I'm literally stunned into silence. I cannot believe I'm speaking to the same Cassiopeia Hendrix. Everything she's been through in the last couple of years has changed her considerably. She's lost a lot of her hard edge.
"Have you seen Ares?" I ask bravely, changing topics and directing the attention back to her.
"Yes. He's stayed with me here the last two weeks on Leave." She admits. It's still shocking we're having this conversation so open and honest. As equals just as she promised. "And Alexei?" I brave bringing up the baby. He's nearly two now and the thought is mindboggling to me.
"He's here as well." She answers and this time I can see the smile in her blue eyes slowly coming back to life. "So is Freya." She stuns me again by revealing our grandmother is also here. "She's helping to care for him given my condition."
"So Marie is letting him stay with you?" I have no idea what their arrangements were after what happened last summer in London. I'm excited to hear she actually has him living with her.
"Yes. That was part of my condition to stay here." She smiles. "Marie brought him once a month to see me during my stay in the hospital but after my release, I demanded I be able to see him as much as possible. I may not get another opportunity like this again in my life after I'm well and back to work, to spend every day with him like this. I don't want to miss it. Besides, I've realized that the more involved I let her be with Alexei, the more likely she is to help me protect him and keep him from entering this insane life we live."
"I'm so happy for you." I smile, "I really am." What seemed like an impossible situation to begin with has come full circle and worked out amazing. She gets her baby, her family, and Lady Marie's protection.
"Unfortunately, he and Freya are out and in town right now. If I'd known you were coming I would have kept them home today." She apologizes and I'm saddened to hear I won't get to see them but understand. "If you have the time, I can call them back. Maybe have dinner together?"
My mouth is dry and I just stare at her. She's inviting me to dinner and with her child whom we rarely speak of even existing. I want to say yes, desperately, but I've already made plans.
"I'd love to. Unfortunately, I've already made plans to fly to Stockholm this afternoon and have dinner."
"With Annika?" She asks and her voice catches a little.
"Yes." I feel guilty admitting it. "And Maria, Marna, Lena, Nyah, and Elin. Anni wants me to meet the baby." I swallow the lump in my throat that feels like a baseball. Annika's baby girl is nearly three months old already. Cassiopeia just nods softly and takes a sip of water looking away.
"It's ironic. Isn't it?" I look at her approaching a very touchy subject, but one I can't ignore. "That she names her daughter Alexandra after you, but refuses to acknowledge your existence?" I know you could have knocked me over with a feather when Nyah first told me that was what her mother had named the baby.
"She didn't name her after me." Casey shakes her head. "She named her after the sister she lost at birth. The one she grew up loving in memory. Not me." It's a sad, sad story I still can't wrap my mind around.
"Nyah says they're calling her Alexa." I reveal, thinking about my niece and nephew sharing the same name variant in male and female forms. A quiet hush falls over our conversation and I make a decision. I may never again get this opportunity to eat dinner with her, at her request in a social setting non-mission related. She's invited me as a friend, as family, and I'd be a fool to pass this up. If I do, she may never ask again. "If it's all right with you, I'd like to change my mind." I smile at her, "I'd like to stay and have dinner with you, Alexei and Freya." She seems surprised and then her brows narrow as she thinks about why I'm changing my plans. "I miss him. I haven't seen him or Freya in a long time. I'd like to see him before I go. Who knows how long it will be again before I have another chance like this? You said I should seize the moments of happiness when they present themselves." I smirk at her, using her own words against her. "So I'm seizing it. If that's okay with you?"
"And what about your plans with them?" She asks quietly.
"I'll reschedule for tomorrow evening. Then I don't have to rush off."
"You could spend the night here if you wish. I have plenty of spare rooms." She offers and my heart soars. I struggle to contain the smile I feel is a mile wide.
"I'd like that very much." I answer honestly and pause to look at her thoughtfully. There are things we dare not say, shouldn't say, and at times simply cannot say because of those around us. But right now, in this moment. It's just her and I and after everything we've been through, and almost having her die on me the last time I saw her conscious, I have to say it. "I've missed you, too. I've really missed you, Casey." I repeat sincerely. All in all, it's been more than a year since I've spent any time with her, except for the four days after I rescued her seven months ago.
"I have missed you, too, Julia." She admits and my heart does a little dance. "There is something important I wanted to ask you. Something Ares and I have discussed and came to an easy decision upon. I just don't know if this is the right time to ask." She stumbles for words when she's normally perfectly direct in knowing exactly what she wants to say. "You may decline if you wish and I'll understand."
"Decline what?"
"I have a favor to ask. After everything that has happened, we spoke about what would happen if I die." She begins and my heart starts to pound furiously, not liking this idea at all. "Or if both of us die. Given our lives, that is a reality, as we know all too well."
"You want me to look in on Alexei? To make sure he's okay?" I am figuring out what she's asking and why this is so difficult. "Of course, I will. I already was when I thought you were gone before."
"I know. That's why we wanted to make it more official, that if we both die, you don't just look in on him from time to time to make sure he's okay, but would you be willing to be his actual Legal Guardian?" She asks and I'm sure my face has lost all color. "We've already spoken with Marie and expressed our wishes knowing she has final say, and Freya and Bjorn, and they all agree knowing how we feel. So long as you agree?"
She's asking me to raise her child should anything ever happen to her. Raise him as my own. The responsibility is enormous and so is the trust level.
"Why me?" I ask trying to formulate words. Certainly one of the First Gens was more appropriate given their close relationships.
"Because I couldn't imagine leaving him with any else I trust more than you. You know me. You know how I would want things done."
"That's because you raised me."
"And that's why you're the perfect one, Julia. You are the only choice for me."
"And what does Ares think about this?"
"He agrees with me. You are the only choice. The only one we'd trust to leave him with."
"What about the other First Gens? Isis, Thor, Jupiter or Artemis?" I rattle off knowing she's close with them. "Wouldn't you be more comfortable with them raising him?"
"They are not my sister." She says clearly looking me right in the eye. "You are, Julia. I'd want him to be with you."
My God, she's said it out right! That I am her sister! And I'm the only one she'd want to raise her child because of it. Not one of the other Gods, but me.
"I know this is a lot to ask of you, especially given our lifestyle. Freya and Bjorn have agreed to help for as long as they're alive and given how young they are, that should be a long while. You'd have help. Just as they help me."
"Okay." I answer immediately. She doesn't need to explain any more. "I'll do it."
"Are you sure?"
"Of course. Yes, of course. He's my nephew." I smile in a hushed whisper, feeling it's okay to say that given she just said her reasons for leaving him to me, is that I'm her sister. "Is there something I have to sign?" I ask smiling more widely, ready to take on this responsibility if need be. I hope I never have to but I can't help but feel immense love and pride they've chosen me. And she just called me her sister. I'm on Cloud Nine.
"Yes, there is. I'll have Marie drop the forms off later, but are you sure, Julia?" She asks with more concentrated effort.
"Yes. I'm sure. Can I ask a favor of you?" I reply quickly, almost rambling with excitement.
"What?" She asks quietly.
"Do I have permission to hug you now?" It's a startling request and one I've never made before. In fact, the only time I've ever hugged her, I did so while she was cradling her baby in her arms and couldn't do anything about it. This time, I'm asking.
She gives the slightest of head nods and I take my cue. I don't wait for her to change her mind and stand, moving closer and sitting down beside her on her little outdoor sofa, I wrap my arms around her. She's terribly thin, and I can still feel the bones protruding in places they shouldn't but she's alive and in my arms. I hold on tightly without hurting her. "Thank you." I whisper into her ear for letting me do this. "I've been wanting to hug you since I found you alive in that cell." I admit how long it's been.
"You carried me out of there. Wasn't that close enough to count as a hug?" She teases me quietly over my shoulder because I know she's not comfortable doing this.
"Not even close." I answer her in all seriousness and take a deep breath, feeling her heart beat through her chest next to mine. I hold on, closing my eyes and just relish in the contact for a moment even though she's not moved at all to hold me back. "I thought you were dead, Casey. Just like everyone else I loved. I thought you were dead."
My words of truth must strike a chord within her as I feel her arms slowly rise and wrap around me. She holds me back in silence, more tightly as each moment passes.
"Don't die on me." I command her this time in a tone that sounds like her own. "I need you in my life." I whisper my most feared truth and then pull back to let her go.
"I don't plan on going anywhere." She says quietly.
"Good." I smile at her, kissing her thin cheek quickly before she can say anything and then move to sit back down again in my own chair. "So what have you been doing with yourself during the day?" I ask completely shifting topics back to something I know she's more comfortable with.
"Physical therapy. A lot of sleeping and playing with the baby." She smiles just thinking about him. "He's into everything. Climbing and running. Quite the talker already."
"Talking." I shake my head with a smile in amazement. "I can't wait to hear what he has to say."
And talker he is. His chatty little babble is infectious and hilarious. He latches right on to me at first sight and leads me everywhere by the finger all afternoon and evening long until its bedtime. Casey rocks him to sleep in the chair in the living room while we all sit around and chat softly and when it's time to put him down, Freya carries him to his crib and lays him in it. Casey is still too weak to carry him that far considering how big he's gotten.
As Freya was lifting Alexei out of Casey's arms, Casey had dropped a sweet hiss to his forehead and Alexei mumbled, Nigh Nigh, Mama to her. It's a memory I'll never forget, searing instantly into my mind and heart. I had to use all my skills as an agent to stifle any tear drops from welling and forming in my eyes bearing witness to it.
When it's time for the rest of us to go to bed, I hear a soft knock on my door just as I climb in.
"Come in." I announce, sitting on the edge of the bed. Casey walks in, already in her pajamas and wrapped in a light blanket warding off the chill she constantly feels not having any real fat to keep her body warm.
"Do you mind?" She asks nodding towards the bed and I wave her over.
"No, of course not." I fumble with the blankets as she approaches, not sure what's happening here. "Is everything okay?" I ask when she lies down in the empty space beside me.
"Yes. It's fine." She says rolling over onto her side to look at me. "I've just had enough time being alone this year. Haven't you?" She confides in me quietly as I turn out the light and my stomach and heart trade places, flipping and flopping. She's being so open and honest with me right now; I still can't believe it. She's spent the better part of the last year alone. So no, I cannot blame her for wanting to sleep beside someone. Especially when she told me earlier, that this is the first night without Ares, after he went back to work today.
"Yes. I've had enough, too." I answer her just as honestly settling into the bed beside her; thinking about all the nights I spent alone in Russia for the past six almost seven months to which she was referring.
"Besides," She says after a moment of silence into the darkness, "Isn't this what sisters are supposed to do?" I can't see it, but I can hear the smile in her voice and my heart nearly explodes in joy.
"I'm told it is," I answer her smiling from ear to ear in the darkness, "Among many other things."
"Such as…" She asks and I'm surprised she is continuing this conversation.
"Well, I think sisters fight."
"We've done that." She reaches up lightly with her fingers to stroke her head, "I still have the knot to prove it." I can almost hear the smirk in her voice as she recalls where I hit her in the head with a rock.
"Yeah, so I do." I think about all the bones she's broken in my life and then rub my shoulder. "And scars from stabbings, though, I think that is a bit extreme."
"But necessary." She counters not giving an inch on that one. "What was that lesson, Julia?"
"Never turn my back on anyone I don't completely trust. And that those we trust are often the ones who hurt us."
"Exactly."
"I told you. I'll never forget it."
"What else?" She asks quietly about things sisters are supposed to do.
"Sisters can simultaneously love and hate each other all at the same time."
"This is true."
"And would kill anyone who hurt their sister." I add quietly, knowing without a doubt how true that is given my slaughter of the thirty-three FSB guards and all those I've hunted down and tortured the last seven months for information and elimination after what they did to her.
"Also true." She agrees quietly.
"I think they also shop together."
"We've done that."
"I don't think shopping for disguises or high grade tactical weapons counts."
"Why not?" She argues, "It seems appropriate given our life. Those moments have been memorable for me. Haven't they for you?"
"Yes, I guess so." I can't help but snicker at the insanity of that reality. "With that logic, I guess the same could be said for spending quality time and traveling together on all those missions."
"Yes." She agrees.
"Although, I think the point of that is to learn more intimate details about each other. To bond over what we learn. I'm not sure we ever did."
"I disagree." She counters softly. "I know just about everything there is to know about you."
"I wish I could say the same about you."
"That's why I'm here." She relents and reveals another objective in her arrival here this evening. "And I thought we've bonded a lot, the last couple of years especially. Even in my absence, at least for me." She adds quietly, "And starting with the first night we shared a bed."
"The night of your birthday." I recall that fateful night almost two years ago.
"Yes. As horrific as that night was, I've chosen to keep it as a good memory."
"Why?" I ask her, wanting to know. I've done the same thing in keeping it a good memory, but I wonder if it's for the same reason.
"Because you finally knew the truth, that I was your sister."
"Which you immediately denied." I counter still confused about it.
"I'd spent a lifetime without any family, Julia. The idea was and still is terrifying." She tries to explain and I do understand where she's coming from. "When you love people that much, it hurts all the more having them taken away from you. I'd just lost Alexei." She says quietly.
I think about now, in hindsight, how so many of her actions and words that night make so much more sense knowing that information.
"Pushing you away and shutting you out was the only way I could keep going. Keep you safe and alive. That's all that mattered."
"So what changed?"
"I had six months in solitary confinement to think about everything and everyone in my life." She pauses, "And I promised myself that if I ever got out, I'd do better by you. You deserved more. I just didn't know exactly how to do that. I'd given you what I could with my limited capacity. Having Alexei, has helped me figure out more of that part of myself. The part I'd shut off so long ago in order to keep living. But when I was in prison, in those last days, thinking about the people I loved was all that kept me going." Her recent statement to me today and her complete change in views on love and seizing moments of happiness are now explained. I knew something had happened and now I knew exactly what. I want to ask if she's willing to let me in now, why not Maria.
"Then why aren't you willing to let Maria in, like you're doing with me now?" I push the envelope and hope it's not too far. "I know you love her and care about her. I've known since the moment you told her to call you Casey at the dining room table that night." I reveal all my cards and put them on the table. "And you said yourself, you hold people at arms length you love and want to keep safe. So if you're willing to make an exception for me, why not for her?"
"I don't want to talk about this." She starts shutting down.
"This is something sisters do. Talk about their complicated relationships with their mother." I remind her softly that this is supposed to be normal even though its something we're both still trying to figure out.
"My relationship with her is far more complicated than my relationship with you, Julia. It's not that easy."
"How so? And why not?"
"I've known you you're entire life. I held you in my arms the day you were born. I've had a relationship with you in one capacity or another, all your life. I haven't had that with her. This transition, you and me, is an easier one for me."
"But she wasn't in my life at all either and I've managed to allow something to start developing. I know it's never going to be the same as the one she has with Annika or the one I had with my mother, Kristin. But it's something. And something is better than nothing."
"Not always." She whispers. "It hurts to love what you cannot have."
"I know. I'm keenly aware of it, too." I answer thinking about Mikael at present and more importantly my relationship with her and our biological mother. "And I'm certain Maria feels the same about us."
"That is why I wish Marie had never told her."
"But she did. And now Maria knows. There is no going back from that." I brave revealing something that maybe I shouldn't but it feels like she needs to know. "She was absolutely devastated when you died, Casey. Beyond consolable, crushed. Because as long as you were out there and alive, there was hope that someday things could get better. She was happy just knowing you were still alive. But then you died and," I lick my lips, "I had to tell her. It was absolutely heartbreaking. The grief was," I shake my head, "Beyond measureable for her to lose you, her child, again. She didn't sleep or eat for days. She was just as relentless as I was in the beginning, disbelieving you were gone again. But as time went on, I knew it was only hurting her. So I stopped telling her things about the leads I had. Every dead end we came to just devastated over and over. I couldn't do that to her anymore. I decided I wasn't going to tell her anything until after I found you." I feel tears pricking my eyes and am thankful for the cover of darkness in this room.
"When I finally found you, and brought you back, she just held you and cried. Just sobbed over your lifeless form. It was relief and horror all in one at what had happened to you. She held your hand and caressed your skin, ran her fingers over your bald head and the tears were just endless. And then she kissed you and it broke all our hearts because it was the first time in your life, she was able to do that. And it was only because you were unconscious. We all knew you wouldn't have allowed that if you were awake, and I'm sorry if you're upset with it now, and I violated any trust you put in me to prevent such a thing, but I just couldn't and wouldn't tell her she wasn't allowed to hold her child who was so sick. A child she had thought died, again." I am rambling as silent tears run over the bridge of my nose and drip onto my pillow creating a rather large wet spot. "She's your mother, Casey. Whether you want to admit that or not, she is your mother. Can you imagine if the situations were reversed and it was Alexei something like this happened to? Would you not be out of your mind in grief and worry and just need to hold him and touch him? Make sure he was ok? You were taken from her, Casey. Just like Alexei was taken from you. It doesn't matter that he's still a baby and you're full-grown, you will always be her child and she will always love you just the same. Whether she knows you now or not. You are a part of her heart. Just as he is of yours." I sniffle trying to wipe my eyes and nose before it runs away, "Just don't completely shut her out. Please." I beg quietly. "Let her know you're okay from time to time. Let her see your face and know you're still alive. That's all she needs if that's all you're willing to give. Just some way of knowing you're still alive out there in the world, healthy and happy. Wouldn't you want Alexei to do the same? Isn't that all Freya wanted to know all these years about Maria? Maria just wants to know the same about you."
She's quiet for a long moment and just when I think I may have said too much, she say's, "Okay," quietly and I hear her inhale a long and shaking breath and realize she's been crying. I'm not sure if she's really going to stop attempting to completely shut Maria out, or if she's just saying okay because she wants me to be quiet and stop talking.
"Are you really serious about that or are you just saying that because you want me to stop talking?" I brave asking like the annoying little sister I must be for bringing this up.
"I'll think about it. Okay?" She answers honestly and we fall silent again but it's not long before nagging questions are plaguing my mind about all this.
"There is something I don't understand. Why can you be so open and okay with knowing Freya and having a relationship with her, your grandmother and the mother of our mother, and yet you refuse to even try to have one with Maria? You said your relationship with her is different from my relationship with you, because you've always known me and haven't always known her yet, you didn't always know Freya either, right? You didn't find her until you were sixteen, so why is this any different? You've obviously built a wonderful relationship with Freya since then. She adores you as her grandchild. She's even helping you to raise your son. That obviously worked out really well; but I'm sure it wasn't always this easy when you first met each other. So, I just don't understand why you don't even want to try with Maria? But yet you're willing to have this great relationship with her mother?"
"You talk a lot." She states quietly in the darkness and for a moment, I'm thrown off track and can't help but smile through my tears. Before, she would have just told me to go to sleep and on some level, I'm still expecting to hear that any moment.
"And you don't talk very much at all, except for when you're yelling. Then you seem to have a lot to say to me." I remind her of our past. She's quiet for a long time and I don't think she's going to answer.
"It's different." She finally speaks just when I was starting to think she might have fallen asleep.
"Why?"
"Because she's my mother."
"Exactly. So I don't understand."
"It's easier to have a relationship with Freya. She's my grandmother, not my mother. And when we met, she also didn't know anything about my mother, either. Neither of us knew her, this woman who linked us. And neither of us ever thought it possible to actually have her in our lives and any kind of relationship with her. Freya was just as nervous and scared to have a relationship with Maria as I am, and so we both avoided it together."
"You're scared to know her?" I'm amazed and yet not. I remember how terrified she was that night of her birthday party and the next day she couldn't even approach Maria in the kitchen. There was hidden terror on her face that day and I'm realizing now, it was real.
"Terrified." She confirms.
"Why?" I ask gingerly snuggling into my pillow, shifting it around so I'm not lying on the wet spot.
"What if I'm not what she's expecting?" She starts speaking and her pace becomes rapid as she fires off thoughts and questions. "What if she's not, what I am? We've both lived the last 34 years having this idea of what the other would be like in our heads and hearts. What if it's not the same? What if she's disappointed? What if I am? Isn't it better to live with the ideal in your mind then face the heartbreak and disappointment of reality?"
"No." I answer immediately in complete disagreement. "I don't agree with that. You're both facing disappointment and heartbreak now, without even trying. I think it's much better to try and fail than to never have tried at all. Isn't that what you taught me over and over and over as a child?" I think back to her many lessons about giving it everything I had, even if it wasn't enough.
"It's not the same."
"It is. You're just being stubborn about this because as you said, you're scared. And I can understand that." I think about all she's been through. "I can and I agree with you, leading up to never meeting her face to face for the first time, why you'd have those thoughts and reservations about Maria. But you have met her. You've seen her up close and in person now. On at least three separate occasions. Were you disappointed in her? By her thoughts and actions? Or did she surprise you? In good ways you weren't expecting?" My mind can instantly recall at least one big way we were both surprised, when Maria threw her life on the line for us that day with the Sentinels.
"No, I wasn't disappointed in her. She surprised me every time and exceeded my expectations." She admits quietly.
"Then what's the problem?" I ask knowing I'm missing something and then it dawns on me. She thinks Maria might be disappointed in her. That she's not the daughter Maria envisioned and hoped for, not the daughter she gave birth to, Alexandra, whose life was supposed to be so very different. She's afraid that Maria will look at her the same way Annika does, with disappointment for not being the sister and daughter that should have been.
It's exactly what Ulric screamed at her the night of the birthday party and again at the Sentinel Hearing, that Casey is not her daughter in any way, shape, or form. She's heard it all her life from him. It's been ingrained, deeply, and she's scared the reality of Cassiopeia isn't enough. That it's not real. Because she isn't real. She's a project. Not Maria's child. That she's not worthy of knowing her.
Before she can answer, I do. "You're her child, Casey. The same one she gave birth to. You might have a different name and grown up very differently than what was intended, but you're her child. You look just like her for crying out loud! You could be twins! I've never seen two people who look so much a like in all my life except maybe Freya and Maria and not be twins! And your mannerisms and stubbornness, my God! You're exactly the same." I smile and then get serious again, "She will never be disappointed in you. You're her child. And I can tell you with absolutely certainty, she isn't disappointed in you now. She's not disappointed in the reality of Cassiopeia, in fact, I think it's quite the contrary. She's incredibly proud of you and the woman you've become. The life you've managed to build in spite of all the craziness you were thrown into. How you're so incredible at what you do that you're already a General, how you've raised me, what you're willing to sacrifice to protect your own child," I swallow the lump in my throat feeling new tears, "She gets that. More than anyone else, she gets that. Because that's how she feels about you." I remind her of how Maria volunteered to be executed with the Sentinels to protect Casey and I from potential death or harm. "She loves you, Casey. She loves you!" I emphasize. "Not the dream she once had for your life. She loves you. And you're enough, just the way you are. As long as you're happy and healthy, that's all she wants."
"And not evil like him." She adds quietly under her breath and I know she's crying silently in the dark. Everything I've said has struck the right nerve. I've finally stumbled on the truth.
"You're nothing like him, Casey." I reinforce another of her fears. That Maria only looks at her and sees Ulric's betrayal. "She doesn't blame you for that. For what he's done. You are more her daughter than his in every way imaginable. You're nothing like that monster. She just didn't know the man she was married to was capable of such evil."
"But that's why I need to protect her." She quietly insists. "Because I do know what he's capable of."
"And you think if you get any closer to her, that he'll hurt her further in some way?" I ask wanting to understand why she persists with this line of thinking. I don't know if it's a stall tactic because she's still scared to know Maria or if it's valid, given all she's been through and knows.
"He warned me once. When I was 14 and defiant and insistent on meeting her, that he would kill her if I got too close." She finally confesses. "I've gone back and forth over the years wondering if that was a real and credible threat, or simply trying to scare me. I know he says he loves her, but that's not love. I think it was obsession and possession and his' need to own her. You don't steal the child of someone you love and tell them they're dead. No matter what he says, that's not love." She nearly whispers and I hear her sniffle slightly, "I never understood that more than after I had Alexei and I couldn't imagine Ares taking him away from me as Draco had tried to. As Ulric had done to my mother. That's not love. Ares tried everything to get my baby back to me. We were willing to risk everything to get him back."
"That's love." I whisper back in the darkness through raining new tears hearing her speak of all of this. I get it, in one way, because I was willing to risk my own life for her and that baby and still am because I love them.
"I'm exactly like her, as you say, in every way imaginable, and yet look at what he's done to me." She continues quietly, "He doesn't love me. I am his possession. And so is she. If he's capable of this with me, he's capable of this with her. He already stole her babies, just as he did mine. I'm terrified of the one thing that will push him over the edge to having her tortured or traded or killed for some peace agreement when it suits his purpose." She explains her real fears and I this time, I feel them myself. "I think he only lets her live now, after she's learned all this about him and thrown him out, because of Annika. And that he's too busy to spend much time with her given his position; so Maria serves a purpose to Anni as the parent who is always there. I think if it weren't for Annika's dependence on her, he'd have killed Maria by now."
"But why?"
"She no longer serves his purpose as doting wife and provider of offspring."
"He knows I have a relationship with her now. That we talk on the phone and visit when able. Mikael told me, he knows. But he hasn't said anything about it to me in a long time." I tell her trying to understand what's happening and wondering why she can't do the same.
"It's because you're now serving a purpose there, too. You're a link to her that he no longer has."
"I'm a pawn to use against her." She had warned me this could happen.
"Yes. And she's a pawn to use against you."
"But you're also saying that he really has no reason not to harm her anymore, even if we aren't in her life and keep our distance? Right? That she doesn't serve his purpose anymore, except for with Annika? So if the danger is the same, why can't we know her? Why not take the risk if it's already there?"
"Because what happens when she no longer serves his purpose at all? Or his purpose for her changes? And what if she's gone?"
"Do you mean, would it hurt me more or less if she died, having a relationship with her now verses not having one?"
"Yes. I know how devastated you were losing your mother, Kristin, Julia. You've already lost too much."
"Let me ask you this, when you thought you were dying in that cell and you were thinking about the people you love. Did you think about her? Maria?"
"Yes."
"So not having a relationship with her, didn't change how you felt about her. You still loved her and still thought about her even at the end?"
"Yes."
"And what were you thinking about in regards to her?"
"That I wished I would have known her more. That she knew more about me. That I didn't let her touch my hand when she tried to and I kept pulling away. That I never let her touch me at all. That when I told her I was not her child, I inflicted as much pain on her as I felt in saying it." She reveals in a quiet rush and I'm astonished.
"So at the end, it was mostly regrets."
"Yes."
"Did you think of anything about her that wasn't a regret? Something happy that transpired between you or positive?"
"Not at the end, but many things in the months leading up to then, were positive memories or thoughts."
"Such as?"
"That we do look exactly alike, sound alike. That I'm more like her than Annika, the daughter she raised. That we are both spies and it was something else we had in common. How she was so stubborn and wouldn't back down from me or anyone. How she claimed me instantly and without any hesitation," She pauses thoughtfully, "And my son. That in a matter of seconds of finding out he even existed, she was ready to die to help me save him. Even though I wouldn't even acknowledge her. And I thought about how protective she was of me and of you. Crazy, wild, reckless and all consuming, willing to do whatever she had to in order to keep us safe. I'd never experience parental love like that before. I understood being a parent myself, but I'd never felt it until she came into my life that night. I thought about those things a lot in those months I was alone."
"But in the end, it was the things you'd wished you done you thought of the most, right?"
"Yes." She whispers her admission.
"And that's why we're here now. You and me, lying in this bed and talking. Isn't it? I was a regret. One you want to rectify?"
"Yes." She admits in barely above a whisper.
"So if you're willing to do it with me, why not her? Isn't it worth it? Even if, God forbid something happens, I don't want to have the regret I didn't let her love me or hug me or at least try. I learned in losing my mother, that bad stuff is going to happen anyway. You can't stop it. And it's more important to love people while they're still here. That was the one thing that gave me solace after you died. That at least I'd told you, what you meant to me that day I brought you Alexei. That even if you didn't see me as your sister, I thought of you that way. That you were my family and I respected you and loved you and would do anything for you. So you knew, exactly how I felt about you. You didn't have to wonder."
"But you did." She inhales a soft breath and I can tell she's chocking back more tears in the dark. "Didn't you? I'd left you to wonder how I felt about you."
"I knew you cared about me and that you trusted me; like I said on the plane, I didn't want to read too much into anything else." I sniffle, "But we've resolved that and the only thing that matters now, is that you're still here, alive, and we have this time. Time to change that list of regrets that came at the end of your life. And not just with me." I shift on the bed as silence falls over the room again, "I'll be quiet now."
"I'll think about it, okay?" She offers and at least I know she heard me.
"When in doubt, just try to remember that she loves you, as much as you love Alexei. And she just wants the same things you do or would." I snuggle my face into the pillow. It's a lot easier to talk to her about this when I can speak of her baby and make comparisons she might not like, but can relate to.
"I thought you were going to be quiet now." She teases and I see her wipe her cheek of tear tracks in the darkness.
"I'm done now. I promise. My soapbox speech is finished."
"This is one area you do have a great deal more life experience than I do, Julia. Mothers and daughters, the fragility of time with loved ones… I hear what you say. I can't promise I'll act on what you say, but I do hear what you say. I'm listening." She says honestly, "I've always been listening. You are wise for your years. Even I can admit that."
"Thank you." I reply with quiet acceptance of a rare and honest praise.
"So does this qualify as bonding time? Real sister talk?"
"I'm pretty sure it does." I can't help but smile and tease her back, trying to lighten the mood before we fall asleep. "Do you feel more bonded?"
"Yes. I do." She answers me quietly and I can hear the smile in her voice. "I always wanted a sister, too, Julia." She admits and I can hear she's starting to fall asleep. She's recalling our first bedtime conversation at Maria's house on her birthday nearly two years ago. When I told her I always wanted a sister. I accused her of not wanting me because she rejected me. But I'd assumed too much and she was telling me so with this admission.
"Am I what you imagined your sister to be?" I ask thinking about the conversation that night and the one tonight, in speaking of people you imagine in your life and having them turn out to be something entirely different and not what you expected.
"You are exactly what I imagined, Julia." She answers in barely above a whisper, to my great astonishment. "I know I'm not what you imagined at all."
"No. You certainly aren't." I roll onto my back, snickering while thinking about that night I learned we were sisters. "Or at least, you didn't start that way." I think about how our relationship began, getting bossed around and beaten during my training. "But I like you just the way you are, Casey, and I wouldn't change anything. Not then and not now. Except to maybe spend more time together. I rarely get to see you any more, now that I'm not your trainee." I roll back over onto my side and stare at her silhouette in the dark. "I always wanted a sister I could look up to. And I have one." I smile speaking quietly. "The perfect one."
"Don't tell Annika that, it will go straight to her head. She already thinks she's perfect." Casey adds and I can't help but laugh out loud in the darkness. I know she knows I'm talking about her but she managed to make it funny to distract from the sentiment of the moment. She's a lot funnier than I've ever given her credit for. I hope I see more of this side of her soon.
"I wasn't talking about her." I reiterate still laughing. "I'm talking about you, Casey. You're the perfect big sister, not Anni." I smile still laughing.
"I want that on a plaque." She adds and I can't stop laughing at how funny she's being. Sibling rivalry is alive and well, even if two of the siblings don't acknowledge each other.
"This is exactly what I always envisioned in having a sister," I manage to speak between my giggles, telling her exactly how I feel. "Lying in bed and laughing at night about ridiculous things together."
"I'm serious. I want that on a plaque." She mumbles shifting around slightly on the bed getting more comfortable and I can hear the smile in her voice. She's enjoying this, too. We fall silent as the giggles die down and settle into her places for the night. "I'm glad you decided to stay over, Julia." She says quietly into the darkness in a more serious tone than before when we were laughing.
"I'm glad you invited me to." I answer with a smile. "Goodnight, Casey." It feel so nice to be able to say that instead of 'Goodnight, General' for the first time in my life.
"Goodnight, Jules." She answers. My heart skips a beat as my smile widens a mile at her use of Jules for the first time. Only the people who really knew and loved me called me Jules: my mom, grandparents, Nyah and Mikael, my closest friends and family, those who knew me best. It wasn't as significant as her asking to be called Casey, but it was still very special nonetheless. In this moment, right now, she was making it absolutely clear that tonight, she wasn't my General she was my sister.
"This is for Maria." Casey says handing me a photo of Alexei in the morning after breakfast. "I'm trying." She says when I look at her with a surprised smile. It's a real 5x7 portrait of him outside looking absolutely adorable. His dimples, the blonde hair, and gorgeous blue eyes are captivating. It's a photo of Alexei mostly, walking down the path amongst the wildflowers on Marie's estate. But you can see some of Casey's body, and especially her arm and hand holding onto his as he walks in front of her, leading her down the path. He's obviously, incredibly happy to be leading his Mama somewhere. The pure joy on his face is so genuine. It's a very special photo, indeed.
I tuck the photo away to somewhere it will be safe until I can give it to Maria.
"I think you should let me take a photo of the two of you." Freya suggests with a big smile, seeing and hearing the exchange. "I know I'd love to have one of the both of you for my mantel. My beautiful granddaughters." She smiles at us both and it startles me to hear her claiming me so boisterously now, too. The way she flashes her big blues eyes and smile, it's difficult to say no. She is the matriarch in this family, after all, of beautiful, enchanting and stubborn females who know how to get what they want.
"I'm not really photo material these days, Nana." Casey shies away, wrapping her skinny arms around her chest, self-consciously.
"You're always beautiful, my Cassiopeia. Even now. Please? Just for me?" Freya begs with adoring eyes.
"And maybe me?" I ask joining in on the begging with adoring eyes and smile. I know it's not fair to gang up on her but the idea of having a photo taken together, not mission or training related, but as sisters, feels like Christmas. "We don't have any photos together non-mission or training related." I tell her, hoping to change her mind. It's guilt tripping, I know. She looks at me a long moment and then at Freya, still pleading with those big blue eyes.
"One." She finally relents.
"Perfect." Freya claps her hands once before her face. "I'll get my camera."
Freya returns a moment later with her digital camera and waves us closer together on the patio sofa where we're sitting. "Get closer." She keeps motioning us to move towards each other. I'm sure we're plenty close to be in the same photo at this point, but the woman has a way about her. She wants us to be closer, not just physically, but metaphorically as well. She's overjoyed to have spent the last 12 hours or so with both Casey and I together for the first time. "Smile!" She commands and snaps a shot.
Alexei hears her telling us to smile and jumps up from where he's playing with his blocks on the floor.
"Me too! Me too!" He chants running over to his mother, trying to scramble up onto her lap to have his picture taken with us. He certain isn't camera shy like his mother. Casey is still too weak to lift him without great effort so I help him crawl into her lap with a guiding hand to his bum. He turns around, facing the camera and smiles while we laugh at his eagerness. "Get cwoser!" He repeats what he's heard his great-grandmother saying and loops his arm around Casey's neck and then mine with the other one, forcing us to get closer and all our heads together. "Smile!" He shouts through giggles as Freya takes another photo. "Smile Mama! Smile Aunty Juwia!" He continues to keep smiling and takes my breath away at what he's just called me. I know it's stunned his mother to by the look on her face.
"Where did you hear that, Alexei?" She asks him, holding him closer and looking into his big blue eyes that match her own, smiling with curiosity. "Why did you call her Aunty Julia?"
"She is!" He giggles flashing his adoring grin my way. "G-Nana tell me 'dis morning." He points an accusatory finger towards Freya who looks a bit sheepish, not sure if she's in trouble or not yet. "And Daddy, too." Alexei includes another culprit and Casey's eyes narrow a bit wondering when all this transpired.
"When did Daddy say that, Honey?"
"When Daddy say goodbye. He said Aunty Juwia coming to see me today." Alexei tries to explain and for as young as he is at almost 22 months, certainly is articulate as Casey described. Quite the chatterbox, indeed.
"Oh, he did. Did he?" She smiles at him, rubbing her nose with his in an Eskimo kiss that is nearly too cute to handle hearing him giggle and wrap his tiny little hands and arms around her neck. Every single second of torture was worth this moment for me. He's right where he belongs.
"Is that okay with you?" She asks me after a few moments when the giggles die down. He's sprawled happily across her chest, cuddling into her with head resting under Casey's chin.
"It's perfectly okay with me, if it's all right with you." I smile at her, hoping it is.
"It's fine with me." She smiles, rubbing his back in soothing motions, "And clearly fine with Ares, too."
July 2000
Stockholm, Sweden
"So Julia, what were you doing that kept you an extra night away in England? We haven't seen you in forever." Annika asks with a raging smile as we take our seats in the restaurant. I have her newborn baby cuddle against my chest where she's fallen asleep while we were waiting to be seated. Alexa is a gorgeous baby. Stark blonde hair and big blue eyes, she looks just like her mother.
Maria sits down to my immediate left at the head of the table and Nyah to my right. Annika is directly across from me and Elin beside her, with Lena at the other end of the table opposite Maria. Marna had come down with a stomach virus and was home in bed.
"There was someone there I needed to see. I'm sorry to keep you waiting."
"No trouble at all." Annika smiles as do the rest of them.
"It actually worked out better this way since Marna became so sick last night." Maria smiles at me, running her fingers down the cheek of her sleeping newborn granddaughter, she so obviously adores.
"And who was this friend, Julia?" Elin asks with bright eyes, smiling at me from across the table. "My brother, I hope?" Her mischievous grin spreads across her face. "I was so sad to hear you'd broken up and he was moving out." She visited us more than once in London and went out with us to drink and dance. We had many good times together and I will miss them.
"Afraid not." I smile sadly, "I haven't seen him in quite some time, though I spoke with him the day before yesterday. I'm sure we'll catch up soon."
"He still loves you, madly, you know?" She keeps pushing and I see Lena's eyes flash to hers this time to stop before she makes me uncomfortable.
"I love him, too. That was never the problem." I answer her quietly with the truth.
"Was it Marie?" Maria asks with smiling eyes, trying to change the subject. "I'm sure after being gone so long on your deep cover assignment, there was much to talk about."
"Ah, yes, I did see her, briefly as well." I reach nervously for my water and take a long sip, hoping they change topics soon now that I know how Annika really feels about this, or rather, her.
"Did you see her?" Nyah asks excitedly, emphasizing the her having some idea of who I may have seen with deductive reasoning. I nod softly, trying to be discreet but all eyes are on me now with her enthusiasm. "Is she okay? I haven't seen her in months. Just once when I went with Mikael in April." Again, I nod not wanting to say anything.
"You saw her?" Maria reaches out now, squeezing my forearm, gaining my attention with deeply concerned eyes.
"Yes." I answer her verbally this time and give a small smile. "I saw her. Saw them all, actually. Her, Freya and the baby."
Lena gasps with hand over her mouth at the mention of that one name. Her eyes look down the table at her sister, Maria, and understands now whom we're speaking of.
"They're together?" Maria asks hopefully, finding comfort obviously in knowing they're together.
"Yes. All together. They're staying on Marie's estate right now while she recovers."
"So they let her out of the hospital?" Nyah asks eagerly for more information since anything regarding Casey was so highly classified these days, everyone was out of the loop.
"She's out. Not well. But better. And out." I smile softly trying to reassure her. "She has a long way to go, but the feisty spirit we know is back."
Maria inhales a sharp breath with both smile in her eyes and on her tightly closed lips, trying so hard not to react to this good news.
"Who are you talking about?" Annika demands in a tone low and edgy. The dark look in her previously happy and sparkling eyes is gone and replaced with upset. She knows exactly whom we are talking about.
"Your sister." Maria answers for me, not skipping a beat.
"The only sister I have is sitting right here." Annika argues back staring right at me, none too pleased about this conversation.
"Fine. Then we're talking about my other daughter, Casey." Maria isn't backing down this time. If Annika doesn't want to acknowledge Casey as her sister, that is fine. But she won't deny her as her child and it makes my heart want to stand up and cheer.
"I don't want to talk about this or her right now." Annika protests, reaching for her wine glass.
"We can talk about this later." I speak quietly looking at Maria, feeling bad about it all but not wanting to make the night fall apart. It's sad we're all trying to cater to Annika's wants and needs because I get the impression looking around the table that everyone else is eager to hear more about Casey and how she's doing.
Elin is most intrigued in learning more about her cousin she saw only in the photographs I gave to Maria after Casey was declared dead. Mikael told me his sister asked incessant questions about her once she found out he'd always known about her and that they worked together. He, of course, didn't tell her much and pushed her off onto me or Nyah. Our secret lives always seemed very appealing to her as an heir who was mostly used to high society and fancy parties. Elin was never interested in the espionage part of The Council, even knowing her Aunt Maria was a former spy, until she met me and then just after, learned her cousin had been stolen as a newborn for whatever project her uncle was working on for the intelligence department. Learning I was also Maria's child created for that project was all the more intriguing.
"No, I want to know right now. I haven't heard anything about her in months. Not since April when Nyah saw her and told me her prognosis then. I'd like to hear about it now. Please? I've been waiting a long time to hear something. To hear if she's okay." Maria is insistent and not about to let this drop. "Go on."
"Her skin has filled in a little, so she's not so jagged anymore. She can stand and walk on her own now. Her hair is growing back and she looks a little like Charlize Theron right now sporting super cute, curly blonde locks. Short of course, maybe a couple inches long, but very cute. And she's back up to 100lbs, which is almost half way there." I smile giving the report and see how happy it makes Maria to know all these things.
"Back up to 100lbs?" Annika repeats in a mixture of confusion, awe, and disgust. "What are you talking about? What did she weigh before if she's back up to 100lbs?"
"She was 70lbs when I found her." I answer quietly, in disbelief she didn't know any of this. Looking around the table, I'm getting the impression she doesn't know anything about what happened to Casey, nor does Elin by the looks on their faces.
"Why?" Elin asks looking ashen.
"They were starving her to death."
"Who?" She asks and I see the color draining from Anni's face now as well.
"The Russians." I answer quietly knowing she is half one. "The Red Guard FSB."
"Why?" She can only ask one-syllable questions and I'm thankful we're in a private dining room in the back for this conversation.
I look at Maria wondering if I should tell her this, and what she may or may not know already.
"Because she had a baby with the man she loves and that is against the rules. They took the baby, gave it to the Red Guard, and so I took that baby back." Maria speaks and this time, Elin and Annika both visibly gasp. "As punishment, she was captured, and imprisoned for more than six months." I notice she's left out all the parts concerning Ulric's involvement.
"Is that why you said she was dead?" Elin asks looking at Nyah as the one who told her Casey had died.
"Yes." Nyah answers quietly. "And we really thought she was dead."
"But she wasn't. And that's when Julia found her there, starving to death in a Russian prison." Maria finishes, clearly still very upset and angry by this.
"My God." Elin gasps with hand in front of her face. "I can't imagine." She shakes her head. "And now you said she is with my grandmother in England on the estate? Both she and her baby?"
"Yes." I answer with a soft smile.
"Do you have a picture? Of the baby?" She asks Maria hopefully, "I remember her very clearly from meeting her that one time that she looked just like you, Aunty Maria, but I'm curious to see her child."
"I don't have any." Maria answers her sadly, folding her hands in front of her with elbows on the table. Her eyes lock onto the baby asleep on my chest and I know what she's thinking. She has such easy and immediate access to this grandbaby and she doesn't even have a photo of the other.
"Actually, I have one for you. Two really." I smile at her, happy to give her something to make her smile. Annika has gone silent but she's listening, not shutdown completely as I'd been worried she might in talking about Casey given what I'd been told. Perhaps she was growing more receptive of the idea with time.
"Nyah, if you don't mind. They're in my purse. Front pocket." I instruct my friend to reach around behind me and remove the items. "Thank you." She retrieves the small envelope and passes it to Maria. "Go ahead." I smile at her. "Casey told me I could give these to you."
"Really?" She asks hesitantly opening the flap and in disbelief. I can see Nyah is having the same reaction. This is nothing like the Casey she's used to.
"Well, she gave me the one of Alexei to give to you." I admit with a smile, "But Freya told me to give you the other one, too."
"And Freya is your birth mother?" Elin asks with a smile putting all the pieces and players together.
Maria nods removing the photos. The first she sees is Alexei walking down the path. Instant tears flood her eyes as she gasps with a smile at how cute he is. "Isn't he adorable?" I ask her with pride in my gorgeous nephew. "He's getting so big."
"How old?" Elin asks, standing and coming around the table to stand behind Maria to see the photo and Lena and Nyah do the same. Annika can already see from her vantage point, though I know she's trying hard to pretend she's not interested.
"He'll be two at the end of September." I inform her with a proud smile.
"Oh, he's beautiful!" Elin gushes, "He looks just like you, Aunty Maria! Just like you! Those same big blue eyes!"
"He's gorgeous, Maria. Just gorgeous." Lena cries happy tears seeing him for the first time as well, and lays a comforting hand on her sisters shoulder, giving her hand a squeeze in support when Maria wraps her finger around it. She's too moved to even speak at the gift Cassiopeia has given her.
"My God, he looks just like her!" Nyah is also marveling in seeing him for the very first time. "He looks just like Cassiopeia. The same eyes and those dimples are Ares, through and through!"
"Who is Ares?" Elin asks.
"His father." Nyah answers her quietly, still in awe.
"And is this person walking behind the baby, is that her? Is that Cassiopeia?" Elin asks.
"Yes." I answer this time as the one in the know.
"She is very thin." Elin gasps looking at her arms and legs and how delicate she appears in this photo, not at all like the formidable, muscular, sculpted physique of the Warrior Goddess she saw in the photos of Casey. "I don't think I'd recognize her."
"Your brother didn't when he first saw her and he's known her all his life." I reveal to her how bad it was. "Looking right at her face." I shake my head, rubbing my cheek against the soft fuzzy head of the sweet baby on my chest. "But she's a lot better now." I smile reaching for the photo still in the envelope and hand it to Maria.
She gasps with a flood of new tears looking at the photo of the three of us Freya had taken. It was a spontaneous moment of pure joy as Alexei had wrapped his arms around both our necks, giggling and shouting out his commands to smile. Both Casey and I are smiling and laughing right along with him. It's a genuine smile on her face, one even I have rarely seen and I know, Maria never has. This is the first time she's ever seeing Casey with a smile on her face, and laughing and its' with her child in her arms. They both look impossibly happy in this moment.
"She looks just like you, Maria." Lena continues to marvel looking at Cassiopeia, still in shock even after meeting Casey face to face. "Just like you. Terribly thin in this photo, but still just as beautiful as her mother." She smiles with tears in her own eyes and kisses the spot of above Maria's temple.
"I can't believe this is her," Nyah is completely ashen in shocked awe looking at this photo, "And I can't believe this is you, in the photo with her and that this is her child. This is just…an alternate universe for me knowing Cassiopeia as we do. She's the General and this is…I don't know who this is?"
I can't help but laugh knowing exactly how she feels. "This," I nod towards the photo of her smiling, "Is Casey, the side we never knew."
"You're calling her Casey." It suddenly dawns on Nyah. I hadn't told her about this yet. I'd kept it private until now, but being face to face with me again, she's hearing it for the first time. What I'm calling our General and the fact that Casey is actually in a photo with me, smiling and laughing with her child revealing something has definitely shifted. "You're calling her Casey!" She repeats with more excitement and actually bounces where she stands.
"Yes. I am." I smile feeling tears prick my eyes I can't hold back and I now the others don't understand but Nyah does. "She told me to call her Casey on the flight to London that night we left in January."
"Oh my God!" Nyah grabs hold of my hand and literally bounces with excitement beside me.
"I don't get it. I thought her name was Casey. Cassiopeia, yes, but Casey." Lena asks bewildered. "Isn't that what you always call her?" She asks her sister, Maria, for clarification.
"Yes, that's what she asked me to call her the night we met." Maria answers a bit baffled as well to my reveal and why Nyah is so happy for me. "I'm not sure why this is such a big deal? Nyah, do you care to explain?"
"She's our General." Nyah is smiling ear to ear, "We've known her all our life as our mentor, Team Leader, the Head First Gen, Command's Right Hand, God and Council General. She's always been all those things to us and Cassiopeia." She shakes her head still smiling and tears form her in her own eyes from happiness. I can only imagine how she's going to react when I tell her in private how Casey actually told me she loved me using not so many words and our conversation lying in bed last night.
"I still don't follow." Maria looks more confused.
"She's Cassiopeia." Nyah straightens a little knowing what else she's about to reveal. "The only people she allows to call her Casey are those she loves, Nana." She says it slowly hoping it sinks in. "Those she loves."
"And she told you to call her Casey the night you met." Lena has figured it out and sheds new tears instantly while Nyah nods and bounces happily on the balls of her feet.
"Yes, exactly. Jules and I knew the significance of that moment then, knowing she only ever allowed the people closest to her, those she loved to call her Casey and she was telling Nana from first introduction to call her Casey. We knew then, exactly how she felt about her."
"Why didn't you say anything?" Maria asks in almost a whisper, her face losing color, stunned to hear this.
"We didn't think it was our place." I answer this time, taking the heat from Nyah. "Obviously, there was a lot going on that night and the days after."
"And now she's asking you to call her the same?" Maria realizes how significant this is for me as well. To finally have Casey acknowledge that she loves and cares about me as more than just her protégé and responsibility in The Program. All I can do is nod and blink back my tears.
"This is so amazing! Jules, I can't believe this!" Nyah is still squealing in delight to have reached this milestone.
"That's another thing," I look at her knowing she'll understand this too, "She called me Jules last night when she said goodnight."
"Argh!" Nyah screams a tiny scream with wide eyes and giggles covering her mouth. "Who is this person?" She looks at me and then to the photo in Maria's hand. "I can't believe it."
"I have so many things to tell you that you're not going to believe." I smile shaking my head. "Everything's changed, Nyah. She's different. Meeting this side of Casey," I pause licking my lips thinking with a smile trying to describe this morning and last night. "Was so much fun. She's the same feisty Cassiopeia we know, but she's also funny and fun. Like actually fun, Nyah! It's amazing how fun and funny she is when she's not making me run thirty miles, or stabbing me or beating me with a stick." I laugh and so does Nyah in understanding but the rest don't get it. "I understand even more now, why the First Gens love her so much and are so loyal, knowing this side of her. The woman behind the wall she puts up, is… impossible not to love." That's the easiest way I can summarize it. I've loved her since the moment I knew she was my sister but it began before that. I trusted her, respected her, admired her the moment I realized she was not the monster but the messenger. She was like me, and trying to protect me. Everything about her, is exactly what I want to be.
"She sounds amazing." Lena smiles through happy tears to hear more about this side of her niece.
"I hope I get the chance to know her." Elin adds feeling the same intrigue as she did before but even more now.
"Me too." Maria seconds her statement quietly. Her eyes never leaving Casey's smiling face in the photo.
"I think you will." I reach across the table and squeeze her hand in support with a soft encouraging smile. "I just think you have to give her time." Annika has remained silent the entire time, but slowly reaches across the table to pick up the photo of Alexei. She looks at it for a long while then glances at her baby in my arms and back down again and then to her mother and the photo in Maria's hands of Casey smiling. I think she's coming to some sort of realization now that she's a mother herself, about her mother and the child she had taken away, and how that love never stopped or goes away.
"How much longer until she's back in the field do they think?" Nyah asks, "I miss her and they're being so secretive about her whereabouts and health status, it's hard to get a definitive answer. Jupiter said at least another six months the last I spoke with him, and Athena said three when I saw her."
"I'd say closer to six, at least. She just learned how to feed herself again and walk." I shake my head, "Athena may have been overly optimistic or maybe just telling you that so the rumor spreads that Casey is in far better health than everyone believes and not to be trifled with. In reality, she can't stand for more than 5-10 minutes at a time, gets winded walking a flat surface, and can't even walk up the stairs. She has absolutely no muscle and before they declare her field ready again, she's going to at least have to pass that test. Right now flying to Mars seems closer on the horizon."
"I still can't imagine this or how difficult it has to be for her. To go from being the top First Gen and best EHW to having to learn how to walk all over again." Nyah shakes her head sadly looking at the photo of us, and in particular, Casey. "Two years out of duty in all. I guess his plan really backfired didn't it?" She looks at me and we both know to whom she's speaking. Ulric. He thought he was bargaining her away for a year to return after ready to go.
"Yeah, I'd say so." I answer her quietly.
"His plan?" Elin zeroes in on the new information like a hawk.
"Ulric's." Maria answers to my surprise, still staring at the photo of the three of us, while Annika looks up in interest hearing her father's name.
"What do you mean?" Elin asks looking at Maria and then me and Nyah when she remains silent.
"He's the one who organized the trade with the Red Guard. For her baby and then to keep peace after he was taken back, Ulric traded Casey to them for a year. She was supposed to be returned in good health." I answer quietly.
"And obviously, that backfired." Nyah adds quietly. "They were starving her to death instead."
"Traded her for what purpose?" Elin asks in quiet horror.
"Revenge." Maria answers and goes silent again.
I can see the confusion still on Elin and Annika's faces, who looks as though she still doesn't believe any of this about her father.
"He said they could have her to do with as they pleased, so long as they returned her in a years time with no permanent bodily damage. Outside of that," I pause finding my mouth going dry seeing their eyes widen considerably, I'm not sure I should be saying any of this.
"He didn't care what they did to her." Maria finally speaks again, rattling off the horrors like a laundry list. "So they drugged her, beat her, raped her I'm sure, harvested her eggs, shaved her head and locked her up in solitary confinement, with the intention of starving her to death."
"My God," Elin gasps, she falters in her step a little and then takes her seat again looking pale. This is likely not the glamorous side of espionage and our secret lives she was fantasizing about, I'm sure. "Harvested her eggs? Why?"
"To create another baby, another heir carrying Marie's bloodline that they were promised." Maria answers her questions while tracing Alexei's sweet little face.
"They just stole her eggs to make another child? Just took them from her? Were planning to just take her child and use her like a brood mare?" Elin is an equestrian so it makes sense this is how she can relate to what is being said now. The idea of breeding a human being to create an offspring you want and then eventually take away.
"Yes." I nod quietly.
"And she has no say about any to this? Them taking her children?" She looks positively horrified.
"No. We don't have a say. We belong to The Council. We're classified as property and like the slaves of old, any offspring we produce are also property, to be sold or traded at will." I inform her and see even Lena sway on her feet this time. She squeezes Maria's shoulder once more in support before resuming her own seat.
"So any child you have," Elin looks at me and then Nyah, "Or you have, belongs to The Council? They could take them away at any time?" Her horrified reaction confirms yet another fact for me, that the majority of the heirs in The Council who enjoy all our efforts, living lives of luxury, have absolutely no idea who it really works or what goes on below them with the Worker Bees as they call us. I think she's realizing now we really are just slaves and that includes the two of us, people she actually knows now.
"Yes." Nyah answers and this time, I see a flash of fire in Annika's eyes. Her breathing picks up as she stares at Nyah as if only realizing now, that her children in the future, Annika's own grandchildren, may end up subjected to the same treatment. Could be taken away just as easily as her twin sister, and her children. I'm sure she thought her father would never let that happen given how much he adores her. But in looking between her mother and the photo of the sister he had no problem taking, then to me and Nyah beside me, I believe she's having another epiphany that he does not look upon the rest of us as he does her, his Golden Child who was spared this side of life.
"Do you understand now, why I can never be with your brother?" I look at Elin, speaking quietly as I nuzzle the sweet baby in my arms. "He will one day inherit the same position as Ulric and I will belong to him, under his command. Mikael can trade my life and that of any of my children if he so wishes."
"He'd never do that." Elin argues immediately, "He loves you, so much, Julia. He'd never do that."
"And I never thought that Ulric would take my baby, and yet he did." Maria counters looking right at her niece, "He was the love of my life, and he let power corrupt him. There are no guarantees in this world. There is no way to know how Mikael will be once he's officially in Command. But he's already lied about something so significant to Julia, and on more than one occasion, torn between his duty as Ulric's heir and lover to her. She's made her choice. Sometimes love isn't enough."
"What did he lie about?" Lena asks with dark eyes full of concern. Looking between Maria and her sister I can see that Maria hasn't told her this, trying to spare what she could from his mother as well.
"For one, he always knew that Casey was the twin I'd lost, that she was still alive and my child, and never said anything. He also never said anything to Julia or to me, or to anyone for that matter, that she was still alive and hadn't died last summer, but had been traded and imprisoned. He's very good at keeping Ulric's secrets." Maria fills her in and with each bit of information, Lena loses a little more color.
"I understand that it is his duty, his job as the heir to be loyal to Ulric. But he cannot be loyal to us both. His position as heir, isn't going to change. So our relationship had to." I reveal to both Elin and Lena seeing as how Mikael hasn't told them why we've broken up. "I will always love him and I hope that we can remain friends. But we have no future together. I hope you can understand my reasons."
"Yes, I understand." Lena nods softly with tear-filled eyes, and a sad smile. "I am sad because I think you are so good for my son. But I've come to love you as well, and I want you to be happy, too, Julia. I'm just thankful that you're still my niece, and I won't lose contact with you." She smiles looking at Maria.