A/N: I am truly blown away by how many reviews all of you wonderful, wonderful people have been leaving. Thank you so much for the support! It makes a really big difference to me. Thank you also to my wonderful beta readers, Rosalie and BK2U, who have both been helping with this story!

This is a long and (as the title implies) sometimes difficult chapter. There are a lot of revelations in it, some of which you'll probably like better than others.

Chapter 4: Tris – Difficult Subjects

Christina doesn't get home until very late, which gives Tris the chance to pretend that she's asleep and postpone the inevitable post-Tobias discussion. It's not that she won't talk to her roommate about it soon enough – she just wants time to mull over her own thoughts before the interrogation begins.

Besides, Tris adds to herself as she tries to ignore the way Christina is hovering in her doorway, clearly considering waking her up, her best friend should know by now that she'll get a lot more answers the next day.

And apparently she does, since she finally makes a small huffing sound before retreating to her own room. Unfortunately, the reprieve doesn't help much in this case, since Tris finds it impossible to sleep as she dwells on the evening.

How could it possibly have been so easy to spend time with Tobias when it's so hard to figure out what she wants with him?

She loved so much about the way they talked tonight, and about the way he looked at her, and – if she's entirely honest – about the way it felt to be in his arms as they danced. But whenever he nudged his way a little too close, she couldn't keep the old familiar distrust from seeping in. It's a self-defense habit at this point, one that she suspects she'll never lose, particularly with the man who caused it in the first place.

He can't be serious about wanting to try again.

She knows what Christina will say – what all of her friends will say, really. That she should cut the idea off now, before Tobias can hurt her again. But no matter how much most of her agrees with that concept, she can't deny that there's a stubborn part buried deep inside that desperately wants to give him a second chance.

After all, when things were good with them, they were really good. The best she's ever had. That's why it hurt so much when he didn't feel the same way.

She turns onto her other side, mashing the pillow in frustration as she pictures the emotion in Tobias' eyes during their final conversation of the night. She absolutely believed him then. It was impossible not to. And yet he looked at her exactly that same way the day he left for Boston, when he assured her that they would find a way to make the distance work. That he was absolutely not breaking up with her.

It took him less than two months to change his mind.

Eventually, her sleep-deprived brain begins reliving memories that she banned ages ago. Back then, she forced them out because they always led to overwhelming heartache and crippling self-doubt and unshakable depression. Tonight, though, they seem to be overpowered by the good times – by moment after moment of Tobias' gentle touch and deep voice and whispered confessions of love. By the way he used to talk to her, revealing secrets that she knew he hid from everyone else in the world. By the way his eyes would light up when he saw her, as if she were the only thing that could ever possibly matter. He looked at her that way tonight, too, when he said that he wanted to try again.

She just doesn't know how to believe that look anymore.

At some point, sleep finally claims her, pulling her into dreams of ocean blue and soft caresses and hard bodies and scents that surround her and fill her in every possible way. She's embarrassingly aroused when she wakes up to the sound of her phone receiving a text.

"Been thinking about you all night."

She has to double-check the name to be sure it's from Tobias, since for one strange, sleepy moment it seems like her phone has just read her own mind.

"You set the pace," he adds, "so if I'm pushing, tell me. But I'd like to see you today." She doesn't answer, her dreams too fresh in her head for her to dare. "Navy Pier? It's a nice day, and you could wear comfortable shoes. :-)"

For a very long minute, she debates. But the apartment is silent enough for her to know that Christina is still asleep, and if she has to choose between being drilled about her confused thoughts or going out with the man she just had a wet dream about, she knows which one she prefers.

"I'll meet you there in an hour."

Tobias is dressed casually today, unlike the morning in the café and whatever term should be used for last night. He still looks good, though, with his short dark hair looking perfectly wind-tousled and his blue jeans and black T-shirt just tight enough to hint at how much muscle he's gained over the years.

Some part of her finds it unfair that he looks even better now than he used to. Why couldn't he have gone downhill, gaining weight and going bald and losing teeth, instead of looking like this? It makes them even more unequal – and gives him even more reason to leave again.

Judging by the way his eyes hang on her as she approaches, he doesn't mind her own informal attire – which, come to think of it, isn't much different than what he's wearing, except that her jeans are a little darker, and her T-shirt is a deep purple.

He gives her a small smile as he steps towards her, his hands lifting as if he's forgotten for a moment that he doesn't greet her with a hug and a kiss anymore. He lets them drop awkwardly at her questioning look.

"Hi," he murmurs instead, standing a bit too close for friends. She should object, some distant part of her knows, but it's impossible to do that while she's dealing with the inferno of sparks that his proximity sends flying through her. Why the hell can't she feel that with anyone else?

"Hello," she mutters, finding it difficult to look anywhere as flashes of her dream find their way into her consciousness again.

"Did you want to go on a boat ride," he offers uncertainly, "or play mini-golf, or just walk around, or…."

"Let's go on some rides," she says quickly, wanting the distraction of other people around them. He nods, looking up at the Ferris wheel, and it abruptly occurs to her that the suggestion is problematic. That's where they first kissed.

"And play some mini-golf," she adds uneasily. His gaze meets hers, and she gives him a nervous smile. "We can start with the golf."

The course is surprisingly empty, giving them more opportunity to talk than Tris wants under the circumstances. But they don't, and it's not until they've both been silent for several minutes that Tris realizes just how jittery Tobias looks. She was too caught up in her own thoughts to notice earlier.

"So," she says, deciding to break the tension one way or another. "You thought about me all night, huh?"

"Yeah." He bites his lip before tapping the ball a little too hard. They both watch as it rolls past the hole. "I…um…couldn't sleep."

A chill drops through her at his evasive tone, and she can't help wondering if he's already changed his mind and is searching for a way to let her down easily. If so, it's better to know now.

"In what ways?"

Her hands are shaking as she takes her own shot, so she's not surprised when the ball hits the edge much too hard and bounces off the course.

They stare after it as Tobias answers. "Several, I guess." He swallows. "I thought a lot about how great it was to talk to you, and see you, and…dance with you." There's a hesitation on the last part that makes her think he was going to say something else. That maybe he enjoyed their physical contact as much as she did.

He clears his throat. "And I've waited a long time to be able to say…some of the things I did last night." His gaze seeks hers, though she only meets it briefly before starting to search for her ball. He follows her. "I want you to know that I'm serious about this, Tris." His voice is deep. "I've wanted to try again for a lot longer than I think you realize."

That surprises her, and she finds herself frozen in place, bent halfway to the ground with her hand extended toward her ball.

"Okay…." It's a short word, but she stumbles over it anyway.

"I know you're unsure about this, and about me, and I understand that." He scratches the back of his neck uncomfortably. "I always knew that I hurt you when I broke it off, but I didn't…." His breathing is uneven, and his Adam's apple bobs up and down. "I didn't realize how much," he finally whispers. She straightens up, staring at him now. "The look on your face last night, Tris…. I never wanted to do that to you. I swear I didn't."

There's a deep anguish in his tone, and for a moment it connects with all of the pain that she's kept bottled up inside her for so long. It's almost enough to make her let it out right now, but she sees a family moving along the hole behind him, and she knows that she can't be one of those crazy women who yells at her former boyfriend in front of everyone, shouting out everything that she's ever wanted to throw at him for the world to hear.

"Tobias," she says firmly, "we are not having that discussion here. Not in public."

He follows her gaze to the family, watching as a little girl calls out in excitement about her shot. "Yeah," he agrees stiffly. Turning back to Tris, he adds, "I cleaned my apartment, since I was up anyway. Maybe we could go there later and talk?" He gives her a small, sad smile. "Just talk. I'm not under any illusions about more."

She debates that for a long time as they complete the current hole and move on to the next one. She's not at all sure that she's comfortable going to his place yet, let alone having this type of conversation there. But the selfish part of her knows that if it goes badly, it will be better not to have it associated with her own apartment. Plus, she certainly doesn't want to have this discussion in front of Christina – or anyone else, for that matter.

So, she finally nods, biting her lip. "Maybe. After we're done here." It's all she can get herself to say.

There's something magical about Tobias' presence, she decides as they near the end of the miniature golf course. No matter how confused she feels, or how difficult things get between them, it never seems to take long before she's somehow forgetting her nerves and is enjoying his company. He shouldn't be able to affect her like that after their history, but he does.

"It is not a hole in one if it's the wrong hole," she huffs in some mixture of amusement and competitiveness as she pulls his scorecard from his hand, using her own pencil to cross out the "one" he just recorded. He's smirking widely.

"Show me where in the rules it says that," he insists, stretching a hand out for his paper. She brushes past him, dangling it just out of his reach.

"The same place it says this," she quips back as she steps over to the correct hole and drops her ball into it. "There. A hole in one!" He's full-out grinning as she makes a show of recording that on her own sheet.

"That seems fair," he comments agreeably as he reaches down, swiping her ball from the hole in a single fluid motion. He promptly lobs it across the course toward a hole they played earlier. "Oh, dear," he says, deadpan. "You'll have to add to your score on that hole."

She laughs despite herself. "True, true…" she answers as she moves past him – spinning at the last second to grab for his ball, which he's holding in his other hand. He apparently anticipated the move, though, since he immediately lifts it over his head, hanging it there teasingly as she stretches up for it.

She jabs at his ribs instead, grinning as he drops his club and attempts to ward her off. It gives her a brief opportunity to reach for the ball, and for a few seconds, they struggle over it. And then she remembers his tactic from last night, and before she can over-think it, her lips are on his cheek. His arms immediately go flaccid in surprise, and she wrenches the ball from his loose fingers.

"Hah!" she shouts as she pulls away from him, throwing the ball as far as she can before turning back to him. He looks vaguely stunned, and she can't help the satisfied smirk that crosses her features. "You're right – that is an effective approach."

"I'm still going to call that my win," he murmurs, touching his cheek as his own lips curve upwards.

Her mouth is open to answer when she catches a movement from behind him and realizes that their antics have drawn one of the attendants. He's a thin, short teenager, and he looks thoroughly terrified by the prospect of trying to kick a six-foot-two, well-muscled, utterly intimidating Tobias off the course.

"Um…" he says jumpily, "you're really not allowed to throw balls."

For a second, they both look at the poor timid kid, and then they glance at each other, biting back their amusement. Tris is stepping forward to apologize when Tobias' sly voice stops her. "Show me where in the rules it says that." His gaze is on her, and his lips are quivering in an attempt to keep a straight face, and she can barely suppress her own laughter as she smacks him in the chest.

"Sorry," she tells the attendant firmly, before taking Tobias' arm and pulling him toward the exit. "We'll just be going now."

The teenager mouths some kind of relieved "Thank you" to her as they pass, but she barely notices. Her eyes are on Tobias as his hand reaches for hers, their fingers interlacing so naturally it should scare her. And there he is with that look again – the one that says she's the only thing in the world that matters…. It makes her stomach tingle in all kinds of ways, but she can't quite decide if that's a good or bad thing.

They end up having a blast with the remote control boats next, racing each other across the water, each attempting to block the other's boat from catching up as their competitiveness rises again. Tris wins by a hair, but when she turns triumphantly to Tobias afterwards, she has to wonder if maybe he let her. There's something in his expression that makes it unclear. Or maybe he was hoping for an excuse for another kiss….

She's still debating that when she leads him to the Ferris wheel, looking up at it as it towers over the pier. The line happens to be short, which is probably a good thing, given the anxiety she feels at going on this particular ride with this particular man. But somehow it seems like the day would be incomplete without it, so she gets in line anyway. Tobias stands a little closer than usual, his breathing uneven, and she can only assume that he's as nervous about this as she is.

The attendant gives them their own car, sitting them opposite each other to keep it balanced, and they begin the slow rise. Tris tries to keep her eyes on the landscape, hoping to shut out the memories this ride evokes, but it's impossible not to picture the way Tobias looked the first time they came up here – the first time his lips ever touched hers. She still remembers the way everything inside her lit up in response.

It's not until they're near the top that Tris abruptly remembers Tobias' fear of heights. He didn't say anything as they were in line, and he's dealt with it so well in the past that she had forgotten. She feels a twinge of guilt as she looks at him now, though, seeing the way his wide eyes are focused on her as if she's his lifeline to the ground.

For a brief time, she wonders why on earth he came up here, but then the answer settles into her with utter certainty. He's here for her – just so she can enjoy a view that terrifies him. He's here, even though he's so afraid he can barely breathe, and even though his mind must be screaming that he absolutely shouldn't be doing this. He's here despite all that, for her.

The realization sends a flood of warmth through her, but it also does something more. It inspires her, and challenges her. He keeps taking chances to try to bring them closer, while she keeps pushing him away because she's afraid of getting hurt again. That's not how she wants to be.

Her gaze locks onto his as she thinks about the courage it took for him to ask her out, and to say that he wants to try again, and to invite her over for a conversation that can't possibly be easy for him to face. And suddenly she wants to be that brave – to take that same kind of chance, even if it's only for a moment….

Her body figures it out before her mind does, as she leans forward and presses her lips to his. The action brings every doubt that she has to the surface, but it also brings a strange sort of certainty. She spent a decade thinking that she'd never have this chance again. And now, no matter what happens next, at least she'll have this closure.

Tobias freezes at the contact, his breath stopping and his eyes widening even more, but then he pulls her close, latching onto her lips as if they're the only water he'll ever find in a vast desert. And then they're kissing with a depth that makes it impossible to remember any fear. It's everything it always was, as her entire body responds, and his arms wrap around her, and their mouths connect with an intensity that she can't remember ever experiencing with anyone else.

They don't stop at a single kiss, either, instead repeating the gesture, deeper each time, for several minutes as the car swings back and forth and the air rushes past them.

When they finally stop, needing to get air into their lungs, he stares at her with something akin to awe. His fingers lightly caress her face.

She clears her throat, feeling a need to push back on any expectations that he might be forming. "Just to clarify, that doesn't mean we're back together." She can feel the flush rising up her face. "I just wanted to do that."

Slowly, Tobias nods, a smile beginning to form despite her words. "Okay," he murmurs as he leans forward, claiming her lips again briefly. "But just to clarify on my part, you are absolutely welcome to do that any time you want."

She laughs, and he chuckles, too, as he begins placing light kisses along her jawline and toward her ear. "You're still better at that than anyone else, you know," he whispers against her skin.

"Mmm." Tris' fingers find their way into Tobias' hair, holding him close as she enjoys the sensations he's creating against her neck. "That's because we were each other's first kiss." She tilts her head to give him better access. "We figured out what we liked together, so of course no one else will ever seem as good."

Tobias pauses in his ministrations, apparently considering that. There's a smirk on his face when he pulls back just far enough to meet her gaze. "Do you think that's true of 'other things' too?"

The comment draws another laugh from Tris. "We are not finding that out today, Tobias."

His deep chuckle warms her as he pulls her close again, smiling tenderly. "Not a problem," he whispers before bringing her mouth to his again. "I am more than happy with this."

Tobias' apartment is compact but well laid out. The front door enters into a comfortable living room, which in turn connects to the single bedroom and to an efficiency kitchen. Presumably, the bathroom is attached to the bedroom since she can't see it.

She doesn't have time to let her nerves get the better of her, because they're barely in the door before two cats come over to greet them. Tris smiles at the sight of them, watching as the tabby stops to stare at her, its back raised uncertainly. The white cat, on the other hand, instantly rubs against her legs as it meows, tail held high as it moves happily between her and Tobias.

Her former boyfriend leans down, scooping up the white cat and nuzzling it affectionately for a second. "This is Marvel," he tells Tris as he holds the cat out to sniff at her extended hand. It takes him no time at all to start purring, nudging his head into her hand as if she's a lifelong friend.

She smiles as the feline all but climbs into her arms in his desire to reach her other hand, too. Tobias grins, shrugging Marvel the rest of the way toward her, and she takes him while he steps over to the second cat. "Come on, DC," he murmurs as he soothes his second pet. Judging by the way the tabby is watching her warily, he's not nearly as fond of strangers as Marvel is.

Tobias picks him up, rubbing his neck for a minute to reassure him that everything is okay before extending him just a little toward Tris. He pulls back quickly when the tabby hisses and begins struggling wildly.

"Okay," Tobias says as the cat launches himself from his grip and tears away to hide. "I guess you'll meet him later."

"Cats usually like me…" Tris mutters, looking after DC with a touch of sadness. Despite the way Marvel is purring up a storm as he rubs his head against her, she can't help but feel somewhat rejected.

"He's just not used to other people," Tobias says quickly, trying to reassure her. "And he's still a little shell-shocked from the move."

He glances around at the sparsely-decorated apartment, with its brown leather couch and matching recliner set up in an L shape around a coffee table. "The company gave me a choice of moving my stuff here or buying new." He shrugs. "And since I didn't have anything I cared about, I figured it was a good chance to replace my furniture, so I brought almost nothing here with me."

He reaches out, his fingers rubbing Marvel's neck in a practiced manner. "I didn't think about how that would affect the cats. They went to a totally new place with all new stuff and no familiar scents, and it thoroughly freaked them out."

Tris nods, remembering from her childhood that cats get much more attached to their territory than dogs do and have a hard time moving. Still, she has to admit that some small part of her is glad that Tobias' furniture is all new. This way, she won't have to picture him being on it with other women.

"Anyway," Tobias continues, gesturing toward the couch as his expression turns more somber. "Have a seat."

Tris can't help swallowing hard as she does, suddenly keenly aware of the reason she's here. They've deferred this talk for as long as they can, and she knows it, but that doesn't make it any easier to face.

She holds Marvel close to her chest as she deliberately sits in the middle of the loveseat, not leaving enough room for Tobias beside her. She can't have this discussion with him right next to her.

It takes him a second to get the hint, but then he perches on the recliner, a bit too upright to be at ease. They're silent for close to a minute, both way beyond nervous, while Marvel's loud purring fills the room. They watch him as he walks back and forth across Tris' legs, rubbing against her sides and arms before eventually curling into a ball on her lap.

There's something comforting about his presence, and about the way his purring vibrates through her body. It gives her the courage to finally look up at Tobias.

His gaze is already on her, his expression serious. "I assume you want to start," he says gently.

She closes her eyes for a second, taking a deep breath, as she tries to figure out where to begin. What comes out of her mouth surprises her. "How many women have you dated?"

Tobias' brows furrow, and she can tell he wasn't expecting that one right off the bat. Maybe he assumed she'd ask something about them, like why he called it off, but she knows herself well enough to realize she needs to work up to that.

"Do you really want to go there?" he inquires uncertainly. "Because I don't want to know your answers to those kinds of questions."

Tris nods, biting her lip. "I can't do this without knowing what I'm getting into, Tobias."

He gives a long sigh, leaning back into the chair somewhat. "Okay." His voice is resigned. "What do you want to know? How many women I got past the first date with? How many I slept with? How many I called my girlfriend?"

There's a bitterness to his tone that makes Tris' chest tighten. She doesn't want to hear any of those answers, even though she knows she needs to. She decides to postpone it for another few seconds. "Have you gotten anyone pregnant?" she asks instead.

That startles Tobias, probably because of what it implies about Tris' own experiences. "No," he states shortly, eying her narrowly. "No scares, either. I've always been careful."

He's clearly on the fence about asking for her own history, but he doesn't, and she chooses not to volunteer it. She's not ready yet to share those horrible two weeks, when she let Peter pressure her into something she wasn't ready for – and which he turned out not to be, either, since he didn't have a condom. It was an incredible relief when the tests came back negative, despite what else they showed.

Nodding, she asks, "Um, how many women have you…had to be careful with?"

Tobias takes a moment to mentally count before saying flatly, "Eight." Tris thinks about that. On the surface, it sounds high, even though she knows that eight partners in ten years isn't outrageous at all. It's not even that much higher than her own count of five. She just doesn't want to think about him with that many others. Or any, for that matter.

"What's the longest you were with any of them?"

"Six months to the day." His mouth quirks a little. "She got mad that I forgot our six-month anniversary, and she wanted to know how I envisioned our future together." He gives an awkward half-shrug. "She didn't like the answer."

Tris nods thoughtfully. "I had something similar happen." She shifts a bit in her seat, uncomfortable with the memory. "Al asked me to marry him on our one-year anniversary." She's vaguely aware that Tobias' entire body has stiffened. "And…um…we broke up when I turned him down."

Neither of them says anything for a minute as she debates telling him how bad she felt after that. Al had been so in love with her, and she had thought that maybe she returned his affection. She wanted to think it, anyway, but the reality was that she'd never felt for him what she had for Tobias. So, ultimately, when she had to say no, she felt like she'd led him on all that time. Like she was doing the same thing that Tobias had done to her, and she hated the idea of inflicting that kind of pain. She didn't date anyone else for a very long time after that.

But she can't seem to say any of that aloud, so instead she asks, "How many of them did you love?"

Tobias sits back, looking at her steadily as he seems to debate how to answer. "That would be none." A muscle in his jaw tightens. "You're the only one to ever make that list."

She twists her fingers, her stomach constricting at the emotions those words evoke. She doesn't quite know what her own response would be. She loved Uriah, of course, and still does, but she can't say that she was ever in love with him. The closest she came to that was probably with Matthew, but it was still much shallower than what she had with Tobias.

She nods a bit, uneasily, before the impact of his words hits her. If he truly loved her, and not whoever he left her for, then why did he leave in the first place?

Desperate to avoid that particular subject for a little longer, she asks, "Did you…. Did you catch any diseases?"

"No." The word is terse. "I'm clean."

Tris nods again, her eyes fixed on the coffee table. "Well, I guess you were luckier than I was, then." She can't get herself to look at his face, not wanting to see his expression. "Thanks to Peter, I ended up in the twenty-five percent of the population who has herpes." She twists her fingers again. "It's one of the mild forms, and I haven't had symptoms in a long time. And they say that men don't usually get symptoms at all. But I guess you should know, anyway." She raises a shoulder. "So you can decide if you want to go down that road."

Tobias is silent and still for a long time. His voice is deep when he finally says, "I'll take my chances." She's startled into looking up again. He's staring at her evenly, undefined emotions burning deeply in his eyes.

"Don't just say things like that," Tris snaps, suddenly furious with him for so many things beyond this conversation. "You need to think, and decide if this is really worth it."

His response is immediate. "I already know that answer." He refuses to look away. "Do you have any idea how many times I've thought about you over the years? About what we had? How many times I've wanted to find you and try again?" He shakes his head, his mouth set in a line. "I'll take my chances, Tris."

It's her turn to be silent, as confusion and hope and fear take away her ability to talk. If anything was going to scare him off, it should have been that. Maybe Christina was wrong. And yet….

She shakes her head. "Then why did you dump me in the first place?" She can't keep the anguish out of her tone. "You told me you loved me over and over, and then you ended it the moment you met someone else? What kind of person does that?"

His eyebrows furrow, whether in upset or confusion she can't tell. "I didn't…. That wasn't…. There wasn't anyone else, Tris."

She glares at him. "I'm not an idiot. I may have been a skinny, underdeveloped sixteen-year-old, but I had enough brains to spot the obvious." She doesn't add that everyone else knew it, too. She hated the pity that she had to see every day on her friends' faces.

Tobias looks appalled, his eyes wide as he stares at her. "That is so far from true…." His tone is strangled, and his expression grows even more horrified as something seems to occur to him. "Have you thought that this whole time?"

Her silence answers the question, and he shakes his head vehemently. "Tris, I didn't date anyone until two years after we broke up. Until after you started college in Chicago, and you were with Uriah, and I finally accepted that we weren't going to get back together."

She arches a cynical eyebrow. "You're the one who ended it, Tobias."

"I know, but…." He shakes his head again, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees as he scrubs his hands through his hair. "It wasn't because I wanted to." He meets her gaze, something like desperation in his eyes. "It was because Marcus started pulling crap. Calling me every day and saying that he wouldn't pay my tuition unless I was the perfect son. That I had to be properly grateful. That I had to spend every vacation with him, doing whatever he felt I should."

He shudders, looking past her now into horrors only he can see. "I knew he would only get worse, and that I'd never be free of him as long as he was paying my bills." His head drops back into his hands. "So, I began looking at options." His voice is flat – almost dead. "I had a good scholarship – that's why I went there in the first place. And I realized that if I maxed out my student loans and worked a lot more hours, I could manage. Barely."

He seems to sink into himself. "But the cost was you. I was all the way in Boston, and I knew it would be years before I had vacation time and money for airfare. And even then, I knew that I didn't want to return here, to where he was." He sighs deeply. "And you had two years left of high school, and you had your heart set on going to college here. And you loved your family and your friends, and I knew you didn't want to leave them."

His voice is shaking now. "I couldn't make you choose between them and me." He looks up, his eyes hollow. "It wouldn't have been fair…. So, I made the choice."

Tris' mouth opens in shock as for the first time, she understands what really happened. "Don't you think I had some say in that?" she manages to ask.

His voice is strained. "I was trying to do the right thing. I thought I was being selfless." He scrubs his hands through his hair again. "It killed me to do it, and this whole time, you thought it was because…." He shakes his head again, unable to finish the sentence.

"God, Tris, you're the one I've compared everyone else to since then, and they've always come up lacking." There's a kind of despair in his face. "You're cute, and smart, and funny, and sweet and sarcastic all at the same time, and you're just absolutely fucking perfect. And I was young and dumb and messed up and so wildly in love, and I didn't know what else to do."

He makes a frustrated sound as he buries his face into his hands. She opens her mouth to say something – anything – but her mind is racing too fast for her body to ever hope to catch up. It's as if her life is flashing before her eyes, as all of the collateral damage from his decision floods through her.

She had struggled with insecurities even before him, as she's convinced that most girls that age do. But when he abruptly abandoned her, it confirmed all of them in a way that completely overwhelmed her. She became convinced that she wasn't good enough – that she would never be good enough – for anyone to love. That she was nothing but a short, plain girl in a world filled with prettier women, and that anyone who told her otherwise was lying.

Most of all, it destroyed her ability to trust. If he could proclaim his love over and over, making her so certain of it, and then just leave without a backwards glance, then how could she ever believe anyone about anything?

She's still beyond speech when he rises to his feet, moving to the couch where she's sitting. He nudges her to the side so he can slip into the seat next to her. Marvel doesn't even budge as she shifts.

His hands take hers, his grip somehow gentle and fierce at the same time. "Tris, I never meant to make you feel like that." He grimaces as he almost spits the next words. "Like you're less than anyone else." He shakes his head slowly, his eyes fixed on hers. "You are most definitely not."

She swallows hard, blinking back the tears that she's held in for so many years as she finally manages to speak again. "I wish you would have called me then. If I'd at least been able to hear your voice, and talk to you, maybe I would have understood."

"I couldn't handle it." His eyes are dark, glistening in the light from the window. "I just couldn't. I'm sorry."

Tris nods slowly, swallowing down a thousand things that she always wanted to yell at him, realizing now that most of them were never true. "Tobias," she whispers, "if we're going to try again, you have to let me make my own decisions. You can't make them for me, ever again. I need you to understand that."

His eyes close as he nods. There's a deep sadness etched into his face. "Yeah," he murmurs, "I definitely got that."

She leans into him, barely aware of the cat still purring on her lap as Tobias' arms close tightly around her. It's impossible to know what to think anymore, with so much of the last ten years abruptly turned on its head. But as she buries her face into his chest and finally releases the tension that she's bottled up for a decade, all she can think is that he really did love her. Maybe that will somehow make the rest of it all right.

A/N: I know some things in this chapter are a bit controversial, but hopefully you liked it anyway. Please take a moment to let me know either way. Your reviews have been a tremendous motivation for me to find time to write despite how busy life is, so please, please keep them up. :-)