Final chapter up for the night after several today! Don't miss those that came before! Also, this will be the last chapter up for a couple days as my schedule is super busy! Be back with more soon!- Wild
The Inevitable
"Julia," I hear her whispering my name through the fog of my sleep. "Jules, wake up." Casey says again and this time I open my eyes hearing her call me Jules again. I can't help but smile even though I'm exhausted. Slowly my eyes open in the dimly lit room. She's sitting beside her laptop, still working no doubt even though this is technically her day off.
"I'm awake." I answer her and feel the rush of cold air as she flips the blankets off me, checking to make sure I'm not bleeding anymore and then quickly flips them back.
"Okay. Go back to sleep." She uses that ordering tone of the General again and I'm out.
Twice more she wakes me the same way, I respond, she checks me and I go back to sleep.
"Jules," She calls out to me for the third time that night. My head is pounding and I don't want to open my eyes so I groan, turning into my pillow shunning the lamp when she turns it on. Everything in my body hurts and feels heavy. "Julia, open your eyes." Her hand brushes down the side of my face and then I feel the cold rush of air sweep over me again as she uncovers me.
"Oh shit!" She swears immediately and flies out of the bed. "Julia, open your eyes!" She's more demanding now coming around to my side of the bed. "Open your eyes!" She shakes me.
They feel like concrete but I manage to open them into slits and look at her hovering over me.
"You're bleeding again." She looks deeply concerned. "Do you feel any contractions?" Her hands are on my belly, feeling around again.
"No." I manage to make my mouth work and speak in a quiet whisper. "But everything hurts." My eyes fall shut again but I can hear her dialing her mobile phone and speaking to doctor Pedersen.
"I'm going to get Maria." Her hand runs down the side of my face again, "Julia, don't go back to sleep. Stay awake."
"Trying." I answer her trying to force myself to keep my eyes open. She's gone in a flash and I think I'm doing well keeping my eyes open until Maria is suddenly hovering over me calling out my name.
"Julia, wake up, Darling. Wake up." When my eyes flutter open a little she smiles at me. "There you are."
"She's losing a lot of blood." Casey frets quietly and I feel her hands on my belly again. "Her belly is getting harder. Feel." She instructs Maria who does immediately, both sets of hands moving around my belly now.
"Julia, does your back still hurt?" Maria asks with concern.
"She said everything hurts." Casey informs her and I nod that is still true.
Tears are now forming in my very tired and heavy eyes. Fear is sweeping over me with what this means. "I'm losing her, aren't I?" I ask terrified.
"No, you're not!" Casey insists immediately, refusing to accept that outcome. "She's staying put. You hear me, Little One," She speaks right to my belly, "I'm ordering you to stay put." Her hand brushes against where the baby is kicking. "I'm going to wait down stairs for him. He should be here any minute." She jumps up from where she's kneeling beside the bed and is gone in a flash.
"You'd better listen, baby, The General means it." I whisper placing my hand where Casey's had been and see Maria smile.
"It will be okay." She covers my hands with her' own. "I have faith. She's a fighter like her mother." Her smile and the warm tone in her voice help calm me, "Just stay awake, slow deep breaths." Her fingers squeeze my supportively and breathes with me.
"I'm so tired." My eyes keep falling shut of their own accord.
"Julia, you need to stay awake." She brushes her hand against my face. "Julia." She calls out again and that's the last I remember.
The warm sunshine on my skin first brings me around again. I'm feeling hot. Too hot and the light is bright as I slowly open my eyes. The sunlight streaming in through the window I'm facing causes me to squint but I remain still when I focus on them sitting before the window. They're facing each other at the small table there, playing chess. Both Maria and Casey are still in their pajamas and look exhausted but very focused on the bored in front of them. I can't help but smile seeing their mirrored images. They look so much alike in this moment it's almost frightening. Each woman has their elbow resting on the table tracing their lip with a fingertip in thought. My ears catch the sound of a fast but strong heartbeat echoing around the room and hands and fingers reach down to feel the fetal monitor attached to my belly. She's still there. Good girl, I sigh in relief for my baby hanging in there.
Casey makes her move and takes Maria's Rook.
"Very nice." Maria nods with a smile obviously impressed but less than a moment later reaches out slowly to move her own piece and takes Casey's Queen, much to her disbelief, leaving Maria smiling from ear to ear and Casey looking annoyed. "Check." She announces quietly setting the Queen off to the side of the board.
"She hates to lose." I whisper with a smile announcing that I'm awake.
"I haven't lost yet." Casey answers still staring at the board and I laugh softly with her immediate rebuttal. "How are you feeling?" She turns her attention towards me and Maria moves to stand, coming closer and sits on the edge of the bed. Casey follows and sits on the same side so that both are facing me.
"Tired." I answer honestly feeling very weak. "And weak." Even moving my arm take strength I don't feel I have.
"You lost a great deal of blood. We had to give you a transfusion." Maria answers quietly with a soft smile. "But she held on. Good strong heartbeat and absolutely perfect on the ultrasound."
"You saw her?" I ask with a smile happy to hear she was able to see her.
"I did." Maria smiles happily. "In the most amazing 3D images I've ever seen of a baby. She's just beautiful. Looks so much like you already."
"And she's healthy?" I ask again wanting to be sure.
"Yes. Perfectly healthy." Casey answers with a soft nod. "Dr. Pedersen had to put a stitch in your cervix to keep it closed. You were still dilating when he arrived and already at 2.5. He was able to stop the bleeding and contractions."
"What about the placenta?" It's nerve-wracking to think my body is failing.
"He was able to locate the area where the placenta was detaching." Casey answers quietly, "It's on the opposite side of where her umbilical cord is attached so as long as it doesn't detach any further, she should be fine. You're on mandatory best rest for the next week at least. And no flying." She adds quietly and my heart sinks immediately.
"What about the meeting with Victoria? Next Wednesday to discuss the plan?" My heart starts thundering immediately and this time an alarm sounds on the machine I didn't even realize was also monitoring me.
"You have to calm down." Casey reaches over and turns off the alarm, watching my heart rate skyrocket with the stress.
"Deep breaths." Maria reaches over taking hold of my hand, "Slowly." She guides me by breathing with me and my heart rate starts to come down.
"I need to be at that meeting." I repeat through measure breaths feeling new tears prick my eyes.
"You can't, Julia. I'm sorry. It's too risky." Casey shakes her head, "I'll go and make sure everything is agreed upon as discussed."
"It was the last chance I'll have to see Henry for who knows how long." I add quietly feeling the tears roll over my nose and sniffle them back.
"Why don't we bring him here?" Maria offers not liking to see me so upset and with it, my heart beating faster in stress.
"Ulric forbid any contact between Henry and I until the meeting on Wednesday." I inform her. "And I don't want to risk breaking the rule and ruining the deal that has been proposed. I can't put my baby at risk because of what I want." I finish in a whispered cry and roll over on to my back to stare at the ceiling, pulling my hand away from Maria's to wipe at my endless tears. "How am I ever going to do this? Be near the man I love and married to someone else, forbidden from ever being alone with him again?" I whisper to myself feeling the panic setting in of our new reality. "I'm not strong enough for this."
"Yes, you are." Casey leans over propping herself up on one elbow as she lays across the bed to be closer to me and reaches for my hand, holding it tightly, "Julia, look at me." She commands in a quiet voice but the tone of the General. When my head turns and our eyes meet she holds them fast for a long moment before speaking, "You can do this. One day at a time. You can do this."
"I'm not as strong as you." I whisper inhaling a soft cry shaking my head thinking of all she was capable of doing and how strong she was, what she'd survived and endured daily in being near her own father in Ulric who disowned her and treated her as a slave. I had no idea how she could do it. To control her emotions so well when I constantly failed miserably at it. "I'm terrible at controlling my emotions when it comes to those I love. Obviously." I wave my free hand towards my face where I am crying already. "I don't know how I'm going to just shut them off when I'm near him. What I feel for him is so overwhelming, I just… don't know how I'm going to do this." I cry even more feeling as though I am facing an impossible task.
"You will do this. One day at a time. One moment at a time if need be. You can do this, Julia. You, are the strongest person I know." Casey squeezes my hand, "You can do this. I will help you." She vows.
"And so will I." Maria does the same with tears in her eyes, reaching over to cover Casey's hand covering mine in a show of support.
"Then how do I turn it off? What I'm feeling?" I beg of them to teach me how, holding tightly to both their fingers so they can't let go of each other or of me. "I'm not allowed to do my normal methods of running or submerging beneath the water to compartmentalize, so what am I supposed to do? I don't know any other way to deal with this amount all at one time."
"You have to let it out when you can. So there is less to hold back." Maria answers quietly, "Less to compartmentalize."
"If I start crying now, I may never stop if I think about what is happening." I cry shaking my head afraid to let it out, "Walking away from him feels like someone else I love is dying and I don't think my heart can take it right now."
"Then we need to get you to focus on what you still have left until you're stronger to deal with the situation." Casey reaches out with her other hand and places it on my belly, "This baby needs you. They're not taking her away anymore. It's okay to let yourself fall completely in love with her. They're not taking her, Julia. Focus on her. She needs you right now. You're all she has. Focus on keeping her healthy and yourself. One day at a time."
"Yes, exactly." Maria agrees with her, "Focus on this beautiful precious baby."
"And if I lose her too?" I cry shaking my head.
"You're not going to lose her." Maria argues with a tear-filled determined smile. "She is strong just like you. She's not giving up. We are strong women in this family and we do not give up. Even when everything seems like it's against us, we endure. We do not give up." Her eyes flash from me to look at Casey and back again, reminding me once again of what Casey went through last year, and what she looked like in this very bed, that she did not give up even when the odds were so stacked against her in every way. "Your baby girl carries the same fighting DNA. She is going to make it. I know it. A grandmother's intuition if you will. But I feel it. She's a piece of my heart living outside of my body just as all of you are." She smiles and I can see even Casey's eyes glistening hearing Maria say such a thing, refusing to look at her, but remains focused on me. "I believe in her. Her little soul is destined for great things and you are meant to be her mother, Julia. Think of all she's already survived just to get to this point. You are not going to lose her. We will get you through this, one day at a time, just as your sister said."
Maria's just referenced Casey as my sister for the first time in front of Casey and I see the wave of emotion pass over Casey's face when she does so. It's impossible to ignore that in this moment, we are speaking as a family for the first time, with each of them volunteering to be there for me and this child because of their relationships with me and therefore, with each other. My sweet baby girl is already performing miracles by helping to bring my fractured family closer together.
"I have an idea." Maria pats my hand with a smile and gets up, "Casey, where are those images from the ultrasound this morning?"
"On the coffee table." Casey answers her and Maria retrieves them immediately, resuming her seat next to us.
"Focus on this adorable little face." She hands me a small stack of images that steal my breath instantly and with a surge of happy tears to see her perfectly formed features in 3D for the first time. "She has your nose," her smile rages looking at the close up photo of my daughter's face.
"And Henry's lips." I recognize them instantly, new tears flooding my eyes in happiness at seeing the both of us in our perfect baby girl. "These are amazing." I hold them in one hand and palm my belly with the other, feeling her move inside of me. Her strong steady heartbeat on the monitor reminding me she's still alive, still thriving in spite of the hostile world she's surrounded by.
"Look at her cute little toes," Maria shuffles the photos to reveal an image of her perfect tiny feet.
"She has Henry's toes." I can't help but smile seeing the second toe longer than her first.
"And very long legs." Casey adds smiling softly when I flip to the next image. "No wonder she's kicking all the time with those legs."
"Those certainly didn't come from me. Those are your legs. Both of you." I'd recognize them anywhere and smile. "My baby has your legs." I smile at them both, reminding them yet again, of their own similarities and our connection and my heart thunders with joy seeing so many traits of those I love in this baby. "Those are definitely your knees." I reach out touching both of their exposed knees folded on the bed, the exact same knees on the exact same legs. "I can't believe it. This is just amazing to see her like this." I cry in disbelief looking at her gorgeous face.
"When you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, focus on these. This sweet little face." Maria smiles at me. "Have you thought of a name yet?" She moves me forward into thinking about the future, determined to keep me positive.
"Henry wanted to name her after our mothers, his and mine, since we lost them both. Kristin's middle name was Anna and obviously, that was also his mother's name." I approach this conversation carefully given the reality that Maria is my mother and see her still smiling but the wave of sadness flash through her eyes. "Since I'm marry Mikael now, it's likely better that I change the variation to something less obvious connecting her with Henry and more in line with Mikael's Russian heritage." I swallow hard, afraid to give voice to my internal thoughts having been so scared I wouldn't get to keep her. "So I'm thinking Anya. It means God's Gift." I smile nervously at them both.
"It's perfect." Maria whispers with a teary smile, trying to blink back her tears. She's genuinely happy to hear her name. "She is a gift from God, I believe that whole heartedly."
"It's beautiful." Casey agrees with a soft nod of her head and a flash of a smile. "What about middle names? Have you thought of any?"
"Yes, actually. Those have already been decided as well." I smile at them both feeling more nervous now than ever in talking about her name. "Her name will be Anya Maria Cassiopeia." I smile at the stunned looks on both their faces.
"You cannot give that name to a child." Casey shakes her head slowly in disbelief.
"Why not?" I ask with a smile knowing her thoughts already on being named for a God.
"Because…you can't do that to her. Give her that name." Casey can barely form coherent thoughts enough to form a sentence, so stunned that I'm naming my child after her.
"Yes, I can. And she will be very proud of that name. Because it's yours' and you mean the world to me. I wouldn't be who I am without you." I smile at her, reaching out to take her hand. "I want her to be named after the most important women in my life; women I know she'll be proud to be named after. The most amazing women I know." I reach out with my other free hand and take hold of Maria's, smiling at them both with fresh tears in my eyes. "I couldn't do this without you."
Maria has recovered from her momentary shock and leans forward, hugging me as I lay down and kisses my cheek. Her tears drip onto my face, mingling with my own and when she pulls back, she's wearing the most brilliant smile I've ever seen. "Thank you, Julia. This is such an honor. Thank you."
"This poor child," Casey shakes her head looking very serious and reaches out to touch my belly, "I'm so sorry, baby." She whispers to my child and I can't help but smile when I see hers, she's being funny again.
"Stop. I love your name." I smile shaking my head.
"So do I." Maria adds quietly with a smile, looking at Casey. "It's quite beautiful and has always been my favorite constellation; a constant above this house every night." She smiles shyly at Casey, revealing something new. "Likely why, you were given that name out of all the Gods."
Casey is stunned. The blank look on her face tells me she's not sure how to react to this information. In a sense, Maria has still named her. Her name chosen from all the names of the Gods because of Maria'a love for the Queen of the Night Sky.
"Do you know what Maria means?" Maria asks with a mischievous smile and soft laugh, reaching for my hand and squeezing it.
"I do." I smile knowing exactly what she's thinking, "Rebellious. Appropriate for you, I'd say." And she laughs, for the first time, I hear her real full laugh. Both Casey and I freeze momentarily to see and hear her laughing. She's incredibly beautiful and so happy, her smile and laugh are infectious. It also makes me terrible sad that in the nearly three years since we've met, this is the first time we're hearing her real full laugh. We haven't given her much to smile or laugh about in all this time and I vow in this moment, to change that and figure out a way to do it more often.
"Anya Maria Cassiopeia, God's Little Rebellious Queen." Maria smiles still laughing and palms my belly gently. "I think this name suits her well."
"I think so too." I can't help my smile seeing her smile and hearing her laugh. Thirty minutes ago I was sobbing in despair and could barely breathe and now I am smiling and laughing in pure joy at naming my baby girl with two of my favorite people in the world. "Thank you." I smile at them both in appreciation for bearing with me on this emotional rollercoaster I was on. "For helping me to focus on the good. Reminding me of what I still have left."
"You are most welcome, My Dear." Maria leans forward, kissing my face again quickly and then scoots off the bed still smiling. "Now, it's well past Noon and you haven't eaten anything today. So what do you feel like eating and I will make it?" She's immediately concerned once more about my food intake.
"I'm game for anything. Everything you've ever made that I've eaten is amazing, so I am up for anything." It's the truth. The woman is an amazing cook and baker. "Aren't you going to eat anything?" I ask looking at Casey and then back to Maria.
"I've already fed her twice." Maria answers quietly and I can see the faintest of smiles on her lips, folding her hands in front of her in pride that she's been able to get Casey to eat while I was asleep. "We had breakfast and lunch already but if you're still hungry, Casey, I can make a plate for you as well?"
"No, I'm fine. Thank you." Casey declines immediately but I can see that spacey look in her eyes again. She's been so focused on me and having not slept, her insulin must be off. Trying to figure out a way to get her to check it without bringing it up outright is tricky.
"You haven't slept all night, have you?" I ask her quietly seeing where she's now rolled over onto the pillow beside me and looking at me with exhausted eyes. I don't wait for her to respond and I certainly don't want her falling asleep without having checked her glucose levels that I know will be off given the lack of sleep. "Maybe a snack before you nap would be a good idea?"
"Julia." She scolds me quietly with a slanted brow that I'm bringing this up and worrying about her given my own condition.
"Casey." I scold her quietly right back staring into her big blue eyes already slow blinking and glassy.
"I will bring you a snack." Maria decides for herself and quickly leaves before Casey can argue.
When Casey remains where she is for a long time, staring at me, I get anxious and my heart starts beating faster again, registering on the monitor and I can't hide it.
"Why are you getting upset? What's happening?" She asks immediately sitting upright.
"Because you're low." I answer honestly looking right at her.
"And how do you know this?" She counters with a sigh.
"Because I know you and I pay attention to detail, just like you taught me to. You're low. Really low." Her slow blinking continues, "And likely why she's beating you in chess." I smile at her, knowing that will prompt her to do something about it.
"She's not beating me." She counters immediately.
"It certainly appears that way." I nod towards the board where Maria has just taken Casey's queen. "Do your thing and when you're done, front pocket, left side of my bag."
Casey doesn't argue, just gets up and moves towards her own duffle, retrieving her kit and checks her numbers. As soon as she's finished, she heads for the pocket on my bag and removes the Jolly Ranchers.
"You two sly little foxes." She shakes her head holding them in her hand and walks towards me unwrapping a cherry flavored one. Apparently, she really didn't notice that Nyah and I were slipping her hard candy whenever she was low until this moment. The fact that we were able to pull anything over on her surprises and delights me. It means Nyah and I are getting better at this. "All this time?" She asks lying down again beside me, sucking on the hard little sugar sweet.
"Yes." I answer her quietly, "Wouldn't you have done the same for me?"
"No, I would have just ordered you to eat one." She flashes a smile back at me and I know she's trying to mask her nervousness in speaking about this at all.
"Well, we can't order you to do anything, General." I raise my eyebrows at her reminding her of our station beneath her. "We had to get creative."
"Creative indeed." She shifts the candy around in her mouth. "And do you always carry these on you now?" She asks more quietly and avoiding eye contact.
"Yes." I answer her honestly. "Just in case."
"Nyah too?" She asks.
"Nyah too." I nod softly, "Just in case. You taught us to always be prepared for the unexpected. To prepare for every possible contingent."
"And how do you know when I'm low?" She's curious and I'm hesitant to answer this question because I'm afraid she's going to view this as signs of weakness. When I'm quiet too long she insists in that tone of hers that gets me to respond immediately, "Julia, how do you know?"
"You have some telltale markers when you're getting moderately low." I answer instantly in a quiet voice.
"Such as?" She persists and rolls over to look at me.
"This glassy spacey look in your eyes and a slow blink. That's the main one." Looking at her now, the candy seems to be helping and she's no longer blinking as slowly and certainly focusing intently on me now. "And when you're really low you speak in short phrases, one or two words, and sometimes slur your words or have a long pause between them." She wanted honesty I'm giving it to her.
"It must be true then. Ares and Artemis told me the same thing." She admits, "They want me to use an insulin pump," and now I'm the one stunned to hear they've voiced their concerns about her ability to regulate given the nature of our busy lives.
"And you don't want to?" I ask before thinking that through. "Of course you don't." It's a physical reminder of this perceived weakness.
"No, I don't want to." She shakes her head softly.
"But you need to." I counter softly and it pains me to do it. Telling her she needs one makes it sound like I think she's weak when nothing could be further from the truth. "You're still going to be the biggest badass mother I know even with an insulin pump." I smile at her trying to get her to laugh. She looks at me with a hint of a smile but I can see the glistening of tears she's struggling to hold back. "If the situation was reversed and it were me, what would you tell me?"
"I'd order you to use one." She answers without hesitation.
"Well, I can't order you to use one. But I can add my name to the list of people who hope you do." I add quietly, "It's just like any other scar we bear, showing exactly how badass you are. That you survived hell on earth and no matter what those assholes did to you, you're still here." She blinks back actual tears staring at the ceiling, "Focus on the good, right?" I ask quietly reminding her of what she just told me. "It will make your life a lot easier without all the highs and lows and self injecting. Besides, it just gives me a little more competition for the Bionic Woman title." I smile blinking back my own tears as I know she can't stand anyone shedding tears for her. "I have the super cool metal arms," I hold out my arms containing the rods, plates, and screws, "And you'll have the super cool insulin pump. Now all Nyah needs is some synthetic part and she can have a shot at that title as well."
"You're crazy, you know that?" Casey shakes her head at me trying not to smile now.
"Yes, but you know you love me." I smile back at her.
"Yes, I do." Her voice is quiet but tone is serious and makes my heart skip a beat to hear her confirm it again. I don't think I'll ever get used to hearing her say things like this. I know she loves me. Her being here right now is proof of that. Its just mind-boggling to me to this day to hear her acknowledge it given our history and her perpetual insistence of ignoring how she felt about me. "I have one. In my bag." She reveals quietly, "I've been carrying it around for the last three months."
"Have you ever used it?" I ask trying to mask my surprise that she's taken the steps to at least get one.
"No." She answers and then shakes her head once. "I have not."
"Are you going to use it?" I'm sure the note of hopefulness in my voice isn't lost on her.
"I've been thinking about it." At least she's being honest.
"Have you decided yet?" I'm pushing now but knowing its so near has me a little excited. I'll worry far less about her if she's wearing one.
"I think it's inevitable." She sighs in defeat and my heart breaks a little more for her. "It's a terrible feeling when you're body doesn't work the way it's supposed to."
"Given my current situation, I understand completely." My hand palms my belly. "My body's failure is putting my baby in danger, reminding me I'm not as invincible as I once thought I might be and failing at the one thing a woman's body is supposed to be able to do: carry a baby."
"You were doing fine until they forced the Amnio." She shakes her head speaking quietly. "Too much stress."
"And you were doing fine until some assholes starved you." I sigh quietly trying to keep the anger from my tone in thinking about what they had done to her. "Neither of us can do anything but what's been done, but I can stay in this bed even though I don't want to. And you can put the pump on. I'll help you, if you want me to?"
"I can do it myself." She answers quietly.
"I have no doubt you can. But I'll help you if you want some moral support while you do. I think that's what sisters do." I smile softly at her, "Kind of like your being here right now for me, through all of this. I can do it myself, but I'm thankful to have you here."
Casey is quiet a long moment and then rolls over and out of the bed heading towards her bag. "Okay. But I need to take a shower first." She consents quietly and my heart starts racing with excitement. I can't hide how instantly happy it makes me given the monitor. She turns around to look at me hearing the monitors increase.
"This time it's because I'm happy not worried as I was before. The monitor doesn't lie." I smile unable not to looking at her.
Casey shakes her head with a big sigh, "Calm down, Julia." She lifts her bag over her shoulder and heads towards the bathroom.
I realize my smile and happiness are probably sending the wrong message. I'm not happy about the monitor she's loathing to attach to her body. Every moment and conversation like this, I feel all the more bonded with her. "I'm happy because you're here with me," I call after her, "and I'm feeling more bonded with you." I smile at her when she turns around to look at me briefly, "these are things normal sisters would do. I'm focusing on the good, seizing those moments of happiness."
"I'll be out shortly." She answers quietly and disappears behind the bathroom door.
My eyes close still feeling very tired and open immediately feeling something drop onto the bed, it's Casey. Apparently, I fell asleep. She's freshly showered, wearing nothing but casual jeans and her bra. Her long tresses have been blown dry and are thrown over one shoulder. She's holding a small clear package in her hands that contains her pump and supplies.
"Are you ready?" I ask seeing how incredibly nervous she looks about this.
"As I'll ever be." She nods ripping open the bag and removing the device and all it's attachments.
"Does it come with instructions or do you already know how you're supposed to hook it up?" I ask shifting against my pillow so I'm more propped up and able to look at her.
"They showed me what to do at the clinic but I wasn't really listening." She admits and I smile. The thought of her not listening and paying attention to anything is dumbfounding. The woman was the Queen of Details. She must have been trying very hard to ignore the idea she needed this.
"So we should probably read the instructions." I smile reaching over picking up the small instruction booklet that came with it. Casey sorts through the pieces removing them from their individual packs. "Okay, it says that little one," I point to the smallest round disk, "Is the Glucose Monitor. It sends your readings wirelessly to the pump to adjust your dosage. It's also waterproof so you can shower and swim with it. Nice." I smile at her trying to make the best of this horrible situation for her. "It attaches about two inches to the right of your belly button. Two inches to the left, you'll need to attach the infusion set." My fingers reach out for the disk with the tube while I'm still reading the rest of the instructions and hand it to her. "Okay, you're going to have to read this part. It's talking about entering how much insulin you normally use in a day, etc. and I don't know the answer to that. You'll have to enter those settings. Trade." I hand her the instruction booklet and take the infusion set and glucose monitor back. "It also said we need to do an initial finger prick glucose test to enter into the meter to begin."
Casey doesn't say anything, just tosses a small black bag in my direction. I know it's her glucose meter and I'm surprised by what she's implying. "You want me to do it?" I ask quietly and she nods, continuing to read but holds out her finger. "Okay," I feel a little proud she's letting me do this and get to work from where I'm still lying on my side next to her. After having been tortured, the idea of stabbing yourself repeatedly throughout the day with needles into the ends of your fingers makes my skin crawl. She's shaking slightly and I wonder briefly if it's because she's cold sitting here half naked or because she's nervous. She doesn't even flinch when I use the lancet to pierce her flesh and extract a small amount of blood to test. It's easy enough, but I don't like the number flashing in front of my eyes. I've read enough about her condition to know this isn't good. The shaking is also explained, as is her wanting me to do this and her silence. She must feel more poorly than she's letting on. "Your glucose level is only 32."
She doesn't respond, just starts entering information into her little pump that's beeping quietly with all the buttons she's pushing.
"Eat this." I reach for one of the candies she left behind on the bed, unwrapping it for her even. This time, I'm ordering her. I can do that as her sister if not as her protégé. She takes it without questions and starts sucking on it immediately. When the programming is finished, she sets the pump down on the bed, picking up the bottle of insulin and loads the pump.
"Okay," She finally speaks when that's done. "Alcohol?" She asks looking for the little packet of alcohol swabs. Her hands are really shaking now.
"Here." I answer quietly handing it to her from beneath the packaging. Her hands are shaking tearing it open. "Let me." I reach out and take it from her. The fact she doesn't protest is deeply concerning to me and I wonder how many times this has happened to her before now to actually get Ares and Artemis to say something to her and for her to actually take the steps to get the pump even if she wasn't using it. Too many, I realize if she's consenting to letting me help her. I open the package and swipe at her skin to the left and right of her belly button. "Do you want me to do it?" I ask seeing the slight tremors still running through her.
She doesn't say anything, just nods and hands me the glucose sensor, transmitter and insertion device. Without saying anything, I load the needle, and sensor into the device and she shifts on the bed closer towards me. "Ready?" I ask holding the little blue pen near her skin. She nods and I press the trigger. The needle slides effortlessly into her perfect abs and I slowly pull the device away, holding onto the adhesive patch and then remove the needle and attach the transmitter. "Not so bad, eh?" I ask with a slight smile looking up at her and move on to the next step. "Next." I prompt her and she hands me the infusion set.
Maria enters the room again with another tray and pauses in the doorway looking at us. She's surprised by what she's seeing no doubt but approaches cautiously with a slight smile on her face. She's also changed her clothes and gotten ready for the day. "What's happening in here?" She sets the tray down on the nightstand. She can't tear her eyes away from what I'm doing or Casey's body so visible in the light of day. Her perfectly chiseled abs in stark contrast to what she looked like the last time Maria saw her as nothing but skin and bones. All the scars, from burn marks to bullet holes racing across her flesh make Casey look like some sort of exotic gladiator warrior. They take nothing away from her beauty and certainly tell the story of her complicated life.
I'm afraid Casey will freak out with Maria here but she doesn't flinch at all by the extra eyes; she's fully focused on what we're doing and at ease in both our presence which surprises me greatly. I hope it's a sign of making progress rather than her current fuzzy state of mind being so low.
"We're completing the transformation of turning Casey into the Bionic Woman." I smile up at Casey loading the device again. "I hope there is something very sweet on that tray." My eyes flash to Maria with a smile but obvious concern.
"Yes." She nods realizing what I'm talking about, "Cheesecake." A soft smile flashes across her face trying to hide her own concern as she takes a seat at the foot of the bed watching us.
"Perfect." I smile at look back at Casey, "Ready?" I ask and she nods again. I press the trigger and it slides in easily. Slowly, I pull the device away and secure the adhesive. "Did you run this morning?" I ask her wondering if that has anything to do with her low numbers and we work together to attach the tub to her pump.
"No." She shakes her head speaking quietly, "I didn't want to leave you until you'd woken up. I'll run tonight before I have to leave. What am I supposed to do with this?" She asks holding the pump in her hands. The tube is too short to put it into her pocket.
"I know I saw a small clip in the package somewhere," we start rummaging around in the leftover packaging with Maria's help and she finds it, the tiny metal clip and hands it to Casey with a smile. Casey hands it to me and I clip it to the back of her pump given how badly her hands are shaking and then slip the clip onto the waist of her low cut jeans. "There." I smile at her. "How does it feel? Any irritation when you move?"
"No, it's fine." She answers and there is a slight slur with her 's.' Maria and I both look at each other hearing it and then watch her slowly slide off the bed moving towards her bag. She pulls out a grey v-neck t-shirt and struggles a little to get it over her head but does it.
"Time to eat." Maria announces immediately, moving around the bed to get the tray, remembering what I've said about not drawing attention to Casey more than need be even though I can see she's itching to offer help in some way. Helping her install her pump is one thing, helping her to even put her shirt on is another. That would definitely make her feel helpless and weak. Casey surprises me by resuming her seat beside me in the bed. Tucking one leg up under the other she leans back against the pillows and headboard and tries to help me sit up more myself.
"Casey," Maria passes her the plate with cheesecake and fresh berries first with a smile and then sets the tray over my lap. "Julia." She smiles at me, "Grilled cheese and tomato basil soup."
"You know me well." I can't help but laugh softly and smile at this choice.
"I'm learning." She smiles and takes a seat beside me on the chair. "It seems to be your favorite comfort food request whenever you're sick or injured in this bed."
"Thank you." I'm honestly touched she's gone to the effort of learning my favorites and actually making them. This is fresh homemade bread with an amazing array of cheeses melted to perfection and fresh tomato basil soup. "It smells delicious." I inhale the scent of the amazing aroma coming from the bowl.
"Fresh tomatoes and basil from my garden." She smiles proudly. "And the cheese comes from Marna and Anni, but I did make the cheesecake." She smiles at Casey who is about to take her first bite.
It only takes one bite of the soup and I'm sold, a forever fan. "This is amazing." I marvel with a real and genuine smile. "Did you try this?" I ask Casey nodding towards my soup and sandwich. She shakes her head no and that's it, I'm insisting. "You have to try this. Right now. Try this."
Casey looks at me like I'm insane. I've never been this pushy with her, ever, given she's my General. "In this bed, you are not my General and I get to be your annoying little sister. Now try this." I smile at her, shoving my spoon in her surprised face. Maria smiles and I can tell she's trying not to laugh. "Trust me. You need to try this. It's amazing."
"The cheesecake is pretty amazing." Casey glances at Maria with the faintest of smiles, acknowledging her with praise for something for the first time and I can feel the happiness rolling off of Maria sitting beside us, she is loving every minute of this. Casey takes my spoon and tries a bite of the soup, nodding appreciatively. "It is very, very good. Reminds me of that little café in Tuscany we went to when you were fifteen. Do you remember?" She looks at me handing my spoon back.
"Yes!" I gasp loudly grinning from ear to ear to place the familiar yet amazing taste. "I remember that place." I take another bite and nod in agreement, "Yes, you nailed it. Tastes very similar." I look at her astonished she remembers something from that long ago so easily, "How do you remember that? That was five years ago?"
"I generally don't forget anything where you're concerned." She admits quietly taking another bite of her cheesecake and then handing a bite to me. "Try it." She says in the tone that is very much the General and flashes a small smile at me. "Older sisters get to boss you around just like Generals."
"This is very true." Maria laughs shaking her head enjoying our banter. "Lena was quite bossy and still is."
I take a bite of the cheesecake. "Oh my," I savor the flavor as it coats my mouth in delicious creaminess. "That is good." I smile at Maria, "Where did you learn to cook like this? I'm terrible. I need you to teach me."
"I'd love to teach you." She smiles happily at the thought, "I learned a great deal from the time I spent in the kitchens learning from the chefs when I was a child." She reveals more insights from her own childhood and life that are fascinating. "Marna also taught me quite a few things, but I do not think you are terrible at cooking. In fact, Nyah tells me frequently that you make the best scrambled eggs she's ever eaten and many other things."
"That's nothing like this." I shake my head in protest, "This is amazing. Everything you make is amazing."
"Well, thank you." She laughs softly and smiles, resting her elbow on the arm of the chair and tracing her lips watching us, I can tell she's thinking. Casey does the exact same thing and when I glance over at her now, see she's watching Maria doing that very thing and can see she recognizes herself in this moment in our mother.
"God's Little Rebellious Queen agrees." I smile palming my belly and feeling the baby kicking about coming to life again with the food after a nap apparently. "She seems very happy about this meal. Feel this." I reach for Maria's hand and place it on my belly where the baby is kicking like she's dancing.
"No cramps today? No contractions?" Maria smiles asking me softly moving her hands around my little exposed belly still hooked up to the monitors.
"No, none." I smile shaking my head in happiness. "Whatever Dr. Olie did seems to be working."
"I still can't believe you're having a baby." Maria marvels cupping my belly gently between her hands with a smile.
"Me neither." Casey adds quietly still eating her cheesecake and looking at my belly. "I still remember you at Alexei's age like it was yesterday. Same blonde curls and pudgy little fingers that were into everything. He reminds me so much of you right now at this age." She sighs with a flash of a smile remembering and takes another bite. "And now you're having a baby. From two to twenty in the blink of an eye." Maria and I are mesmerized to hear her speaking of me when I was little and what I was like and comparing me to Alexei.
"You said you're leaving tonight?" I remember what she said when I asked her about running earlier. Casey nods and keeps eating her cheesecake. Her hands are shaking less with the sugar rush. I can see it in her eyes she's not very happy with the idea of leaving me right now.
"I have to fly back to the States, Wyoming, actually. Camp starts in the morning."
"You're a counselor again?" I am surprised to hear this. I was the last class she taught to my knowledge.
"No," She shakes her head softly, "Under the new revision, I'm completely in charge of The Camp Program now."
"As if you already don't have enough to do." I'm astonished to hear yet something else that's on her plate now. "Why do you have to actually be there? I thought Electra and Orion were running it during the summer and winter programs?"
"I need to have a meeting with the new Third Gen counselors and make sure everyone is on the same page. And we start the first group of Seventh Gens tomorrow. I want to make sure that goes well." She adds quietly and my eyes widen.
"You're starting the Seventh Gens, already?" I am flabbergasted.
"Not my idea." She shakes her head. "They've moved up their training."
"They're just babies. Aren't some of them just three and fours years old right now?" I ask feeling my mouth going dry. I've been so far removed from the training of the Generations that followed mine now that I'm working, but I still know how old they are and the Seventh Gens were comprised of three through seven year olds.
"Three and four years old starting field training?" Maria gasps in horror just as astonished as I am to hear such a thing.
"This is the first group. The oldest ones of Seventh Gen. Five, six and seven year olds." Casey shakes her head taking a deep breath, "The one's Alexei's age won't start for another two years as the second half of the Seventh Gen."
"But he's not, right?" I ask with heart starting to thunder and the monitor picks it up immediately. "Marie's keeping him out of The Program?"
"No, he will be going through it with the second group of Seventh Gens." Casey reveals quietly and I suck in a sharp breath of horror, my heart rate jumps enough the monitor starts beeping. "Julia, calm down. It's not good for the baby." She sets her empty plate down and palms my belly.
"He can't go through The Program." I shake my head, "He's supposed to be free from this insanity."
"Julia, it's okay. He's going to be fine." She tries to reassure me but I know it's anything but fine. She's saying its' fine because she has no say.
"This is not okay." I gasp with tears instantly flooding my eyes.
"No, this is not okay." Maria tenses beside me, immediately upset.
"Marie assures me that he will not end up like us, Julia." Casey tries to explain and calm me, "She intends to move him into the Heir tract when he becomes of age and the split happens, like Mikael." She flashes a small relieved smile at me. "She promised."
"And do you trust that promise?" I ask breathless with fear striking my heart at having him end up like us.
"Yes, I'm trying to." Casey nods turning off the beeping from the monitor, "She's kept her word so far where he's concerned. The Heir tract is a good one. No live ammo or danger of dying. It's all fun for them. Remember?"
"How could I forget the roar of the crowd as you and I fought to the death? All fun and games for them. They were taking bets on our lives like we were gladiators in the arena." I shake my head and wipe at my tears remembering that horrific day and what Mikael said to me later that night about cheering when I nearly killed Casey. I'm relieved to hear Alexei will have a much different experience in The Program on the Heir tract than what I went through. Much different. "I could have killed you that day. It was just luck that I didn't. Do you have any idea of how devastated I would have been to have killed you? My sister? Smashing you in the head with a rock?"
"But you didn't kill me." Casey argues, "And you would have never known I was your sister relieving you of any additional guilt." We all fall silent in thinking about what's just been said.
Maria stands and reaches for the tray and plates. I know this conversation is very unsettling for her. "I'm going to take these back downstairs and then I have something I want to show you both." She smiles at us softly walking towards the door with the tray. "I'll be back."
I wait only a moment after she's gone to ask Casey something now plaguing my mind. "If Marie hadn't revealed the truth that night, you wouldn't have ever told me the truth? That we were sisters?" I ask looking at her, calming down and cradling my baby protectively under my arms now that I'm finished eating and have stopped crying.
"No. I wouldn't have." She admits and I feel the wind sucked out of me again with her truth. "From the moment you were born, it was my responsibility to make sure you were safe, that you knew how to survive in this world and to protect you from what threats I could. You were a lot safer, when you didn't know we were sisters."
"No, I wasn't." I counter immediately afraid she will retreat or pull back again from me if she starts thinking this way again. "I willfully defied you on a constant basis, trying to do everything the exact opposite of what you were trying to teach me because I didn't understand why you were always so hard on me, out of everyone. It made no sense when you weren't my sister. When I learned that you were, suddenly everything made sense. I'd already started listening to you when I finally realized you were trying to keep me safe the day you let me out of that shipping container. But ever since that night I learned we were sisters, I have done absolutely every single thing you've told me to do as my General, without question or hesitation and that is only because you're also my sister and I respect you and look up to you and most importantly, I trust you not to just keep me alive anymore, as I did before, but I trust you with everything in my life. Which is why I came to you, to tell you I was pregnant, because I trusted you with her life, too and I knew you'd help me figure out what to do. Not because you are my General, but because you're my sister. I wouldn't have come to Cassiopeia my General with this. I wouldn't have trusted you with her life. I would have tried to figure it out on my own. You trusted me with your child's life, because I was your sister." I remind her of what she told me on the plane to London that night of her reasons for sending me to get Alexei, "I trusted you with mine, for the same reason. I was not safer, not knowing we were sisters, Casey. And neither were you." I swallow the lump of emotions in my throat. "I was obsessed with finding you, because you were my sister. Even if you weren't acknowledging we were at the time. Once I knew, that was it. I'm always going to defend you or protect you."
"Exactly. That is why you're in more danger." She counters immediately pulling her legs up with knees bent in front of where she's leaning back against the headboard. Her arms resting over her knees and hands clasped loosely with one rubbing nervous circles over the other. She doesn't like this conversation at all.
"And don't you already do the same because we're sisters?" I argue right back, "Because you vowed the day I was born, knowing we were sisters, that you were going to do everything in your power to protect me?" I pause only a moment knowing it's true, she just said it herself, "We are safer in this insane world protecting each other, having each other's back. Being honest with each other. Being sisters makes everything easier. You can't argue with that."
"I could." She sighs.
"And you'd be wrong." I answer not backing down, "You'd argue because you'd rather have something bad happen to you than to me but I feel the same. We end up taking better care of ourselves, knowing the other person feels responsible for us. I can assure you, that is why I have done my very best not to die or get severely injured on missions since finding out we were sisters, with the exception of when I thought you were dead and then I just didn't care anymore about anything. When I was shot for the first time in Brazil, and you completely freaked out on me, I thought it was because it reflected poorly on you as my mentor, and that's why you were so upset. And I didn't care at all if it made you look bad. Didn't care that if I failed it meant you failed. But after learning we were sisters…" I shake my head blinking back new tears, "Do you know why I survived Baghdad? Not just the dive you taught me when I was seven. It was because I didn't want to let you down. I wanted you to be proud of me. I remembered the conversation we had that night of your birthday in this bed, and how you said I was the epitome of your life's work. I didn't want to fail you because I cared. I cared because you were my sister. I didn't want to let you down, especially after you stood up to those old bastards for me in the Briefing Room and said I could do it. I wanted your faith in me to be rewarded, even if just as my General. I wanted to prove you were an amazing teacher. I wanted to be worthy of your sacrifices in life for me because I was your responsibility. So somewhere inside of me, the instinct to survive kicked in underneath that burning water. And I kept fighting to survive and live, it's the one thing I could do for you as your sister. Not die. Make you proud as your protégé. If I hadn't just found out we were sisters two weeks before that mission, I would have said fuck it and drowned." I shrug and more tears roll down my cheeks, "That's the truth. I was so sick of my life already. I had nothing and everything good had been stripped away. All I had to look forward to was a life of servitude. Finding out we were sisters kept me going and it still keeps me going. I promised you last December in Brazil, I wouldn't let go. You're still my reason to hang on. Because you're my sister and I need you." I emphasize the word need because it's the truth. "You're my rock in this crazy world. My tether to sanity and hope for a better future."
I look into her big beautiful blue eyes glistening with held back tears she's doing a rather remarkable job of holding in given I can see how much her walls are falling during this conversation.
"Why did you hang on so long in that cell? Fight your way back from the hell of starvation to be here now? Why did you finally consent to wearing the pump, even though I know you hate it?" I nod towards her abdomen. "Because you're willing to take better care of yourself for us; to hang on for us. You promised you wouldn't leave me, and you're here now, not because you're my General, you're here because you're my sister. Because you know I need you. Not physically, but emotionally and mentally. I am stronger because you are my sister, because I want to be just like you. If you were just my General, I wouldn't care. I'd respect you, I'd follow your orders but I wouldn't care about making you proud or failing you and I'd probably be dead by now. Nyah asked me right before I went into Fire Island to find you, why I was willing to do it, risk everything for you. The answer was easy. You're the one person who has always been there for me, through good or bad. You've raised me more than any one person, Casey." I look into her eyes wanting her to see how much I mean this, "Pieces of me come from different people and my experiences with them but the bulk of who I am, comes from you. I owe you everything. You've never given up on me, even when I have given you a million reasons to including now." I raise my hand off my expanding baby belly that was strictly forbidden and causing all kinds of grief, "I went into that prison determined to find you and make everything you put into me worth it. All your sacrifices, I wanted to be worthy of. The one thing I could do was find you and bring you home to Alexei and Ares and I did it because you're my sister and I love you. I'm thankful everyday to know you're my sister, so while you might regret it, I never will." Tears are rolling down my cheeks when I finish and hers are about to fall as well.
"I never said I regretted it." She counters softly, "I'm thankful everyday that Marie did something I never could. Tell you the truth. I always wanted you to know we were sisters but I couldn't tell you. The truth was buried beneath the obligation to keep you safe, no matter how I felt or what I wanted. I meant what I said last summer, Julia. I always wanted a sister and I was relieved the day you finally knew. Scared because I no longer knew how to keep you safe if you knew the truth, especially after just losing Alexei, but relieved." A single tear finally falls from her eye and rolls unchecked down her cheek where she's ignoring it and so will I. She stuns me again by turning around and leaning forward, pulls me up to her and hugs me, tightly. "And I never said I hated hugs." She whispers into my ear and I vaguely remember that remark last night before I fell asleep. "I'm just not used to them with you." She admits and I hold her more tightly.
It makes sense. We've never had that kind of relationship before. I've seen her hug Alexei all the time and know she must hug Ares, I've seen it at least once in Brazil when they were standing in the kitchen when no one was around, just holding onto each other, relishing in the contact. Hugs with her were a rarity because the people she trusted and loved enough to exchange such intimate contact with were very limited. I'm certain her childhood didn't include the amount of intimacy and contact through hugs and kisses that mine did. My mother showered me with physical love all the time and for the First Gens, it was a rarity and something unfamiliar.
"Three hugs in the last three days, I'm feeling spoiled." I whisper back to her with a smile, trying to make her smile. "Someday, I hope you will be used to hugging me."