From Then to Now
July 2001
London, England
Listening to him on the phone with Ulric lying beside me in bed has my heart racing. We've only just finished moving into our new home Kensington yesterday and Ulric is on the phone with Mikael listening to his request, more like demand, that he come over for dinner soon to speak with just the two of us in an informal setting. I don't want the devil man anywhere near our home but I know realistically given his position in Mikael's life, he's bound to become a lot more present than I'd like him to be in mine as well. My work life and personal life were now intermingling where Ulric was concerned and I didn't like it one bit.
"Of course, we'd love to have you." Mikael looks at me seeing the narrowing of my eyebrows as I lay beside him. "We'll have to schedule something for next week." He does his best to deflect the dinner request for the moment.
I don't hear what Ulric is saying in response but Mikael speaks a moment after, "Yes, they're all coming over this evening for my birthday." He pauses again holding my gaze. "Yes, I'm sure it will be fine." I know in an instant what he's speaking about. Ulric is concerned about Henry and I being in the same room and revealing something we're not supposed to. It's the first time Henry and I will be in the same room since the decision was made for me to marry Mikael that day in the palace. Several weeks have passed with me settling into my new life and routine with Mikael while Henry was sent off to his RAF training. He's back now on Leave for the weekend and attending the dinner party this evening for Mikael's birthday. Everything about this makes me anxious.
"We are having lunch with my mother, Elin, Aunty Maria, Anni, Alexa and Nyah." He continues to fill the man in on our schedule for the day and it unnerves me. "Then they're taking Julia shopping for the baby's new nursery." He smiles at me. "A busy day so I guess I should be going." Mikael motions with his hand that he's trying to get him off the phone and then loses his smile with a deep sigh. "Decorating Anya's nursery and shopping for her seems perfectly normal to me. They did the same with Anni before Alexa was born. They're just excited and happy for us." He tries to rationalize what can only be Ulric's upset that everyone is so involved with this baby already. He may have agreed to the plan but he was still having a difficult time letting go a bit of the absolute control he liked to maintain with me before.
"Yes, I know, Uncle." He nods, "Julia is the exception, I know. But the decision has been made. Can't we just be happy?" He asks with a sigh and a hint of anger in his tone that surprises me given he's usually so obedient with Ulric. "Decorating our baby's nursery won't distract Julia from her other responsibilities."
This time I hear a very clear, "Watch it, boy. Don't make me regret going along with this." Come through the line in a commanding tone.
"I'm sorry, Uncle." Mikael rubs his forehead in resignation and frustration. "I meant no disrespect." He's quiet another moment while Ulric speaks. "Okay. Yes, Uncle. I'll be in touch tomorrow. Thank you." He ends the call and hangs up, flopping his arms and the phone down into the bed beside us.
"What was that about? The part at the end?" I ask immediately.
"He's having regrets about agreeing to this arrangement hearing of everyone's supportive excitement. He's worried you're going to forget what you were created for while you're 'wrapped up with this baby business' and not in the field. Reminding me that this is the exception being made." He sighs quietly, "It will be fine. Don't worry. He's just in one of his moods again. He doesn't like being on the outside of the family. Hearing that everyone else was in town to help us move and get settled, to celebrate my birthday and decorate the nursery as a family has put him into a foul mood." He smiles softly at me. "He's just a bit jealous. That's why he's insisting on dinner here with us. I know you aren't thrilled with the idea but it will go a long way in smoothing things over with him, Jules."
We're both quiet a long time as I ponder the conversation that has just taken place, what he said and what that means for the future. I wonder if we will begin every day of our married life together with Mikael giving reports to Ulric from our bed first thing in the morning. It irritates me greatly.
"What about me, makes me the exception?" I ask him directly, "What was I created for?"
"Julia," He sighs shaking his head, "I can't tell you that."
"Why not? Mikael, if this is ever going to work I need you to be honest with me and that what we talk about between us, stays between us. That you're not going to tell Ulric. And I need you to tell me the truth about why I'm the exception. Obviously you know with your answer just now, so what make me so different that Ulric is obsessed with holding onto me so tightly? So tightly you had to give him a report on our first morning together in this house from our bed? I need to know. Why is he obsessed with me?"
"I would have thought Cassiopeia would have told you by now given your closeness the past few years." He seems surprised she hasn't.
"She hasn't told me because she said there are things she can never tell me as his General."
"And you're going to have to accept there are things I cannot tell you as Ulric's heir." He counters immediately.
"This is never going to work." I sigh sitting up in bed, shifting my knees up to leave. "No one will tell me the truth. Not even my would-be husband."
"Julia," He stops me with his hand on my arm. "Just wait."
"Why?" I look back at him. "Casey's not telling me to protect me as she says but what is your excuse? Just to maintain your loyalty to him? Or because you're trying to protect me? Either way, if you know and aren't telling me then I'm never going to trust you as the heir and that you're not going to turn out exactly like Ulric and end up doing to me exactly what he's done to Maria."
"That doesn't seem fair." His brows narrow in anger. "You accept that Casey cannot tell you as his General, even though she's your sister, but you won't accept the same code of silence from me as his heir and your husband?"
"She's not keeping her silence to remain loyal to Ulric. All my life she's told me what I need to know to stay safe and keep me alive. Telling me what I need to know, as I need to know it. So I trust her when she tells me that 'she' cannot tell me. But that doesn't mean you can't. You're going to be my husband. If you don't put me and our marriage first, this is never going to work and whether you like hearing it or not, you'll end up exactly like Ulric. Putting the needs of The Council ahead of us. I don't care if that isn't fair or is unreasonable. Everything about all of this is unreasonable as far as I'm concerned!" This conversation is infuriating. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones in overdrive, or the situation in its entirety, but I'm ready to fight if necessary. I'm angry that everyone in my life keeps the secrets that most directly affect me. I whip around and fling the remaining sheet off of me getting out of bed. "I guess we'll have a marriage based on lies. At least I know that going in and what to expect of our future. This is an arrangement where you protect my child and I produce your heirs."
"Julia, that is not what this is!" Mikael huffs getting out of bed on the other side running his hands through his hair in frustration. "Where is this coming from? You were fine until Ulric called and now you're acting crazy."
"Maybe I am crazy." I answer flippantly tying my robe around my ever-expanding waistline. "This lifestyle will drive anyone crazy after awhile. Never able to trust anyone. Even those you love who are supposed to love you back."
"I do love you." Mikael answers quietly but forcefully pulling on his pajama pants.
"But you're okay with lying to me?" My eyes are full of fire when I turn around to look at him. "How is that any different than what Ulric has done to Maria?"
"I am not Ulric." His chest heaves speaking in measured tones.
"Not yet. But you're certainly well on your way of becoming him. Giving him a daily briefing from our bed about my activities for the day." I shake my head, "Why do you want to marry me? Really? What is it about me that you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with? Am I a conquest? Or a trophy you want to display? Because you don't seem to want any of this to be real. It's starting to feel like you like the idea of me and us more than the reality."
"That is so ridiculous I'm not going to even justify it with an answer. Why are you trying to pick a fight about this?" His face is full of concern and tinged with anger. "Are you trying to fight with me because I'm not Henry?"
I deflate instantly with my back to him. He's definitely struck a nerve and I realize he might be right, at least partly. I am angry that he's not Henry; that this arrangement has been made. I'm grateful and thankful but it still makes me angry. But I'm also angry because we still have the same gorge between us that existed before when it comes to trust.
"Maybe, partly." I concede to him that he's partially right about not being Henry. "But also because the issues we had before, the reasons I broke up with you before, still exist. I cannot trust you to tell me the truth." I shake my head and feel new tears forming in my eyes, unable to look at him. "Our problems haven't magically disappeared. It may have felt like they have since our breakup and remaining just friends because we haven't fought about them in so long. There was no reason to. But they still exist and this is still an issue. If we are together, I want to be able to trust you. I need to be able to trust you, Mikael." I finally turn around and look at him. "I need to know that when it really matters, we can be honest with each other. Otherwise, this won't really be a marriage. Not a real one anyway. Our relationship will be purely for show." I sniffle wiping at the single fallen tear running down my cheek and make way for the bathroom closing the door behind me and ending this conversation.
When I emerge from the bathroom a half hour later after my shower, he's sitting on our bed staring at me with a sobering expression on his face.
"I want to earn your trust, Jules. I'm torn between two worlds." He speaks quietly, "If this is what you need to hear in order to start trusting me again, so be it. But if I tell you this, it stays here between us and you can never discuss it with anyone. Never tell Nyah or Cassiopeia even that you know." His eyes are intense and serious. I can see him visibly swallow hard looking at me.
"Fine." I sigh quietly in disbelief he may actually tell me, crossing my arms over my chest looking at him.
"I'm serious. I'm only telling this so that you'll see how much I really do love you. This stays between us, Julia." He repeats the seriousness of his convictions that I not speak a word to anyone about what he's going to reveal. My heart starts pounding a little that I may finally get the answer to the biggest question of my life: why am I the exception? What makes me so different and special than everyone else?
"Okay, Mikael. I promise." I walk slowly towards him and sit beside him on the edge of our bed.
He takes a deep breath and lets it go, speaking quietly. "You're the next generation human weapon."
"What? What does that even mean?" I ask in frustration. This sounds like more of the same. Not really an answer given I'm already an Elite Human Weapon.
"It means that you're far more valuable and powerful then you realize." He looks at me speaking cryptically.
"How? I'm just like everyone else in The Program." I demand when he's still not giving me any real answers.
"No, you're not. Not at all." He shakes his head with widening eyes. It's the way he says it and the look in his eyes that makes take note.
"What do you mean?" I ask breathless, now afraid of the answer.
"Your DNA." He answers quietly.
"What about my DNA?"
"You weren't just a simple IVF baby created with egg and sperm in a Petri dish. They were designing you," he looks deeply into my eyes, "even before Cassiopeia and Anni, and the rest of the First Gens were born. You were created, Julia. Designed for a specific purpose. Everything about the way you are was specifically chosen in your DNA. Your looks, your abilities… You have no idea what you're actually capable of yet. Years of carefully crafted genetic design."
"What?" I gasp in disbelief to hear they were working on my 'creation' even before the First Gens were born. "How's that even possible?" I think about egg extraction and IVF. "That technology wasn't even available then."
"Yes, it was. It just wasn't made available to the public for many decades later." He swallows the lump in his throat. "You are Project Zero, the foundation of the future. The Program was started for you, Julia."
My heart feels as though it's temporarily stopped with that one singular statement: The Program was started for you, Julia.
"They were testing and evolving their methods with the previous generations, finding out what worked and what didn't. How to improve so that when you came along, they'd have found a system that works to best train you and guide you. To assist you and the generations like you that come after you." Mikael continues to explain.
My mind is swimming. I'm in utter disbelief and confused all at once. "But I'm no different than anyone else." None of this makes sense.
"Yes, you are. You're at the top of your peers, you excel at everything."
"Not always." I counter shaking my head thinking about all of those that are far better at many different things than I am.
"This is all just practice for you. They're testing you. Every time you get knocked down, you rise that much stronger and perform at even better levels than before."
I can't argue with that. Looking back in reflection now, every time I've been beaten down, I come back stronger than before. "It still makes no sense about what this means or why that is so special. Everyone gets knocked down and comes back stronger in this business."
"Not everyone and not like you have." He shakes his head. "Like I said, you're far from having reached your full potential and what you've been designed for. They're waiting to see how your abilities develop."
"What abilities?" I ask with trepidation not even sure what that means.
"Things Ulric isn't even willing to disclose to me." His eyes widen with raised eyebrows speaking of the seriousness of all this. "He just says that you have the potential to change warfare forever. A true human weapon, a WMD." He says quietly staring at me with unblinking eyes.
"A Weapon of Mass Destruction?" I ask with a nervous laugh at the absurdity of it all and in disbelief. "That's ridiculous. You can't be serious? A WMD?"
"That's what he said." Mikael is serious, finding nothing funny about it.
"How?" I can't imagine such a description being used on me or any EHW. We are still human after all and how much destruction can we possible invoke to be compared to Nuclear Bomb?
"I don't know, Julia. They won't tell me either." He shakes his head again, "All I know, is whatever they've done to your DNA, you're the next stage of human evolution. You just don't realize it yet."
You're the epitome of his life's work… The phrase I have heard repeated so many times in my life starts to make a little more sense, and yet raises more questions.
"None of this makes any sense." I shake my head standing from the bed, rubbing my forehead with my fingers feeling an instant headache coming. "How long have you known this about me?"
"Since he traded Cassiopeia to Pavlov." He admits with a sigh watching me pace. "When I argued with him given how upset you were, he told me the truth about why it was necessary for your continued evolution."
"My evolution?" I ask incredulously; horrified to think that what Casey endured had anything to do with Ulric's experimentation with me.
"He saw what you were capable of withstanding during your torture." Mikael swallows hard shifting uncomfortably on the bed. "You'd become willfully defiant and unafraid of the consequences of your actions. He said a change was needed. That it was necessary to separate you from Cassiopeia. That it was necessary to push you past the limits you'd grown too comfortable with in relying on her too much. You needed to excel on your own. And you did." His eyes look up to meet mine. "You'd pushed yourself to a whole new level after she was gone in your performance."
"Because I was determined to find her." I seethe in fury thinking about all this. How easily our lives are manipulated for their purpose.
"Exactly." Mikael nods sadly, "He said that you had always done better after someone you loved was ripped out of your life. Your anger and upset feed your performance. He justified it again, by showing me how you reached an even higher level after we broke up; that you were nearly flawless on your extended mission for Marie. With 103 kills and only one wound over six months. Each tragedy you've endured has made you stronger, and not just in the metaphorical sense."
"So what? He's going to keep orchestrating tragedies in my life until I reach an acceptable level of performance for him?" I ask angry and horrified with a new round of tears.
"Cassiopeia's death was the only tragedy in your life he orchestrated purposefully. The rest just happened to you and he noticed the trend. Which is why the situation with Cassiopeia was beneficial to him in several ways. It kept the peace with Pavlov, it broke her down and reminded her that he was the one in control, and it presented the opportunity to test you, to push you past your previous limits." He rattles off in a tone that unnerves me. It's almost as if I can hear him justifying these actions as Ulric would.
I stare at him in disbelief. "Do you have any idea of how insane and cruel what you've just said is? You sound as though you're condoning what was done to her, Mikael. Nothing will ever justify what they did to her!" I'm furious now, with furious tears streaming down my cheeks and arms waving at him frantically. "I cannot believe you."
"I'm not justifying what he did to her!" He flies up off the bed towards me, "Not at all. I'm just trying to tell you what he has told me, Julia. Give you his reasons! Not mine!"
"But it's your tone! The way you say it. The look in your eyes!" I argue back, "Like you actually agree with him!"
"I don't! I don't agree with what he did to her or to you! That's why I was arguing with him about it! Why he threatened me that if I told you she was still alive, he'd send you in her stead!" He shakes his head, "I was beside myself with worry for you, Jules! And I swear to you on my love for you, that had I known they were starving her to death like that, I would have told someone! Not you." He admits, "But likely my grandmother. I swear to you, I am not justifying his actions." He takes a step forward trying to touch me and I pull away from his embrace. "I love you, Julia. I'm trying to change our future but until I can do that, until I'm in charge, I have to walk a very fine line. If he found out that I just revealed to you what I did about your creation and the reasons for it," He shakes his head looking down and then back at me, "I'm telling you the truth because I do love you. I am doing my best to be honest with you. To show you that I want our marriage to be real. As real as it can be. I will tell you what I can, but I have to know that you'll keep your word as well and not say a single thing about what I reveal to you."
"I will keep my word. I won't say anything to anyone about this. They'd likely never believe me even if I did." The insanity of it is far too surreal. I don't want to accept it as a possibility let alone anyone else too. I try to calm myself feeling the baby spinning and kicking wildly upset because I am. My hand strokes over my belly trying to soothe her and myself as I contemplate what he has said and feel his hand run down my arm, tentatively reaching out. This time, I let him touch me and then hold me when he pulls me against his chest.
"I love you, Julia. I don't want to fight with you. And it's not good for you or the baby. You're supposed to be as stress free as possible." He kisses the top of my head tucking me under his chin. "I know we have a complicated history and I have learned from my previous mistakes where you're concerned. Can we please try to start fresh?" His hands sweep up my arms to cup my face, pulling me back to look into my eyes. "I love you. I'm trying my very best to do right by you. In every way I can."
"I know." I sigh quietly wrapping my arms around him again to hold closely feeling terrible about fighting. It's exhausting. "I love you, too. I'm sorry if I am being irrational. But nothing in my life ever seems to make sense and when it does," Henry flashes before my eyes, "It's taken away just as quickly." I add quietly feeling new tears slip down my cheeks and drip onto his bare chest. "If we're going to be partners in life, then I need to be able to trust you, Mikael. Not just with my life like the missions we've been on together. But with my heart." A small gasp escapes in a quiet rush as I inhale a soft cry trying to accept my new reality. "I need to be able to trust you with that which means the most to me."
"I promise, Jules. You can trust me." He kisses my head again repeatedly holding me more closely. "I'll do whatever it takes to prove it to you. I just want you to be happy."
"Are you ready for this?" Nyah asks quietly standing beside me in the bathroom as we finish getting ready. Her eyes catch mine in the reflection of the mirror. The concern is obvious in her big brown depths.
"I'd be lying if I said yes." I admit finishing my hair. My heart is already pounding at the thought of seeing Henry again and to have it be in this setting. Our first test of what our new lives will be. Pretending once more that there is nothing between us, all the while I am marrying Mikael and he is claiming Henry's baby. "I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to hide how I feel for him."
"You pretended for months there was nothing more between the two of you and none of us were any the wiser. I had no idea until I found you in bed together." She tries to give me a pep talk about my abilities.
"It's significantly different now. Henry and I weren't even admitting to ourselves, or each other how we felt then. Now, we know exactly how we feel and what's between us and can never be." I shake my head looking down and washing my hands. "This baby doesn't let me forget for a second exactly what's between us even if I could convince my mind to pretend there isn't anything more anymore."
"If things get to be too much, excuse yourself from the conversation or room. I'll cover for you. Or if you need my help as a distraction in some way, just look at me. I'll know and figure out how to deflect." She turns towards me folding her arms over her chest offering her support. "I'll help you, Jules."
"Thank you." I nod slowly drying my hands and then smoothing them over my bulging baby belly that has grown significantly as the weeks have passed. "I may take you up on that offer."
We both hear the bell chime through the residence and know our company has arrived. "Here we go, baby." I whisper giving myself a pep talk as we make our way towards the main room. I can hear Mikael's laughter and the others as they all file through the door wishing him a Happy Birthday before I see them.
Collin is the first to see me as the first through the door, his giant smile and laughter freeze the moment he sets eyes on me for the first time. "Holy shit! You really are pregnant! My God!" He gasps with smiling eyes and covers his mouth in astonishment looking at my belly where my hand is resting protectively now.
"Christ! Look at that thing!" Andrew gasps just as astonished with a laugh, "Where were you hiding that belly in the bar the last time we saw you? That wasn't that long ago!"
"Oh, Julia." Stella smiles shaking her head as they file through one at a time greeting Mikael as he holds the door and then setting eyes on me. "You look radiant." She smiles leaning in to kiss my cheeks breaking the others stupor of astonishment and Collin and Andrew then do the same before moving on to greet Nyah.
"Julia," Elizabeth acknowledges me with a smile and leans in to kiss my cheeks. "You are looking very different then the last time we saw each other." Her hands reach down and palm the sides of my belly in an unexpected move. "A baby. Goodness. A complete surprise to hear you and Mikael were expecting."
"It was a surprise for us as well." Mikael smiles at me supportively as he ushers Phillip, Fredrik, Lauren and then Henry through the door as the last to enter. Henry is avoiding looking at me, focusing instead on anything and everything but me as the rest of them continue to greet Nyah and I. They all touch my belly, drawn to the massive change in my body they're unaccustomed to seeing, especially on someone our age and rub it like it's Buddha or good luck, a mystery to be certain and holding their intrigue. It's only when Henry's standing right before me that he finally looks at me. My heart drops into my stomach when our eyes finally meet. The longing and love are as intense as ever and it takes me a minute to remember to breathe. His eyes glance down to my belly and I see him swallow hard. I'm a great deal bigger than the last time we saw each other.
"Julia," He leans in speaking quietly and kisses my cheek, letting it linger and then pulls back with intense brown eyes holding fast to mine. "You're looking beautiful as ever."
"Thank you." I answer him as he steps back.
"Nyah," He greets her with a soft smile, kissing her cheek as well. "Nice to see you again."
"Likewise." She answers him looking nervously between us as Mikael ushers everyone further inside. They're all excited with laughter and chatter as they look around our new home, taking stock of the paintings, and portraits, the things they like and excite them.
"Can I get you all something to drink?" I ask remembering I'm one of the hosts this evening and need a distraction. "Water, wine, beer, a cocktail?"
"Wine please." Lauren smiles, "Thank you."
"Wine all around, I think will be fine." Collin smiles, "As a celebratory birthday dinner, I think we'll keep this respectable." He laughs and winks at me.
"Aren't you going to give us a full tour, mate?" Fredrik asks with a raging smile at Mikael. "I want to see this domestic life you're settling into."
"Me too." Andrew laughs. "I still can't believe you're going to be a father, Mikael! It's crazy!"
"I'll give them a tour. Would you mind getting the drinks, Jules?" Mikael asks me with a smile and I can feel his excitement to have his friends here.
"I don't mind." I smile back at him and start making my way towards the kitchen.
"That's a lot of drinks. I'll help Julia." Henry offers immediately bowing out of the tour and my breath catches. He nods at Mikael in some silent permission-seeking stare and when Mikael nods back and then gives a small smile to him and then me I feel the breath I've been holding at Henry's suggestion leave in a quiet rush.
Henry and I walk in silence into the kitchen while everyone else follows Mikael on the tour going into opposite direction. The wine is stored in the built in cellar in our massive kitchen pantry.
"I think a mixture of reds and whites should suffice." I am the first to speak and gasp softly feeling him press up against me from behind. His face leaning into my neck and inhaling my scent. "Henry." I warn him we can't do this and step forward, turning around to face him. "We can't do this." I whisper looking up at him.
"I miss you." He whispers back. "You look incredible." His hands reach up and palm my belly. "I can't believe how much your body is changing and how quickly."
"She's growing quite rapidly now." My hand joins his on my belly with a smile feeling our baby girl kicking within. Without saying anything, I move his hand to wear I feel her feet and cover it with my own so that we can feel her together. His eyes light into a smile as one slowly spreads across his face staring into my eyes feeling our baby together.
"Henry," Elizabeth's voice breaks our connection and instantly I take a step back and away from Henry's touch. She's standing in the doorway of the pantry looking at us with an awkward smile on her face. "I thought I'd offer to help with the wine as well. Is there something I can do, Julia?"
"There are wine glasses in the cabinet directly to your left." I find my voice and speak, moving on immediately from what she's just seen as though it meant nothing more than any of the others touching my belly, including herself. "If you'd like to help, perhaps you can get those down for me? They're quite high in my current state." My hand strokes over my large belly with a soft smile, suggesting reaching that high isn't the easiest thing for me to do.
"I'll get the glasses if they're that high. Maybe you can help Julia carry the wine bottles?" Henry smiles at Elizabeth making his way towards the pantry door. He drops a kiss to her cheek on the way by disarming her.
Slowly she walks towards me and I turn and focus on the wine bottles in the rack before me. "We have several bottles of white chilling in the fridge but what do you think the majority would like? Merlot or Cab?" I ask without looking at her and then turn and give her a soft smile. Treating this like any other mission seems to be the best course of action. It's easier to pretend this way.
"Some of each sounds reasonable." She nods reaching out to touch one of the bottles. "What do you suggest?" She pulls out a bottle looking at the label.
"They're all good." I pull out another showing her the label, "But the California vintage, Leviathan, is my favorite. Comes the Napa region and is the best I've had from the area. And this is one of the best years." My thumb grazes over the stamp marking 1999.
"Then lets give that a go, shall we?" She smiles and takes the bottle heading out while I grab another two and follow.
"Have you chosen a name yet?" Lauren asks with a big smile as we finish our meal all sitting around the large table. She takes a sip of her wine with glowing excitement looking between Mikael and I sitting beside each other opposite of her. Henry is sitting just beside her and Elizabeth beside him. His eyes flash to mine and then quickly look away. We've spent the entirety of the meal discussing all of them one at a time and now they're zeroing in on me.
"Yes, we have." Mikael picks up my hand and kisses my knuckles with a smile in a show of affection. He's certainly selling our relationship this evening to any who may have been disbelieving as to how we created this child out of the blue. "Anya Maria Cassiopeia."
Henry's eyes sweep back to ours again, looking between us. I can't read his expression entirely as it's so brief before he looks away again, reaching for his wine and taking a sizeable drink. But when he looks back I can see he's both relieved I've kept the name we'd chosen but also heartbroken to hear Mikael's Russian heritage spin that has been put on it.
"That's a beautiful name!" Lauren smiles.
"I can't believe you're naming her after General Hendrix." Collin shakes his head with a smile. "Don't get me wrong, she's hot! Incredibly hot. But she scares the life out of me." He laughs shaking his head again taking another sip of his wine having had plenty already this evening.
"She's deadly hot." Andrew agrees laughing. "Like a preying mantis. Incredibly sexy, but I have no doubt she'd slit my throat after having sex with me." He laughs and the others do as well with the exception of Mikael and Henry. "She was definitely my favorite counselor at camp. Even when she was yelling at me to move faster, she was so hot." He smiles revealing his fantasies, "She was always my favorite fantasy in the teen years."
"Mine too." Fredrik agrees with a raging smile and laugh. "She was my number one. Aphrodite and Isis were number two and three on the counselors I wanted to shag."
"I always thought Ares was the hottest of the male counselors and then Eros." Lauren smiles, nodding appreciatively as another one who attended camp with us.
"Me too." Elizabeth agrees. "In that order."
"I still can't believe Ares and Cassiopeia have a child together. It blew my mind to learn such a thing last December when we met them in Rio." Lauren continues in awe.
It blows my mind to hear them talking about the First Gens like sex objects and people they fantasized about in our youth with their crushes. It just highlights the very different experiences we had at that camp. The Worker Bees were too busy fearing for our lives from the First Gens to ever fantasize about how beautiful or sexy they were. Looking at Nyah at the end of the table, I know she's thinking the same thing I am in this moment.
"Where does Anya come from? Is it a family name?" Stella asks curiously.
"Yes." I answer this time and smile at Mikael first and then at her, "My mother Kristin's middle name was Anna."
"Like your mother." Stella smiles over at Henry and then back to Mikael and I. She innocently has no idea of that connection.
"We gave it the Russian spelling for obvious reasons." Mikael smiles, covering for any potential linkage with Henry's mother kissing my hand again that he's holding tightly for support. "And Maria comes from my Aunt Maria's name. We wanted to give her family names."
"And Cassiopeia? Why would you want to name your child after your commanding General, Julia? Do you actually consider her family? The one who tormented you all those years as a child and gives you orders now?" Elizabeth asks curiously taking another sip of her own wine, sitting back in her chair and speaking to me in a way that says she thinks the idea is a terrible one and somehow humorous. "Is this a bit of the Stockholm Syndrome thing happening here? Or do you really feel that close to your superior that you'd actually name your child after her?"
"Yes. I do." I answer coolly feeling my defensive shields go up with what she's said and how she's said it. I smile, preparing to drop another bomb on them. "Cassiopeia is not just my General and superior, she is also my sister." I smile widely seeing Elizabeth's mouth fall open slightly and everyone else's in hearing this. They are stunned silent for a moment as I take a sip of water. It's Henry's face though, that causes me to lose a bit of my smile. He had no idea Casey was my sister either and loses a bit of color looking back at me hearing this revelation. He knew I was close to her, that I loved and respected her greatly as the one to raise me, but I'd never shared with him that we were actually sisters. The entire time we were together in Brazil, I had been telling myself that what he and I had wasn't real so there wasn't a reason to divulge to him such details about my life; that our relationship would soon be over. But that wasn't the case.
"Your sister?" Elizabeth balks in confusion.
"Yes." I nod with a smile. "She is my sister."
"Unbelievable." Collin gasps in astonishment.
"How?" Henry asks finding his voice and I can see he wants to know the truth I never revealed to him.
"We share the same biological mother." I answer quietly. People knowing that Casey and I are sisters is becoming more well known within the higher ranks of The Council now and slowly trickling its way down the ranks. Sooner or later, they'd all learn this information anyway.
"Holy shit." Andrew gasps quietly shaking his head. "No wonder you're both gorgeous birds." He winks at me shyly with a soft laugh and I can see new fantasies of his involving sisters take flight in his mind. "Your mother must be extraordinarily beautiful to have daughters looking like the both of you."
"She is." I smile fingering my hair behind my ear thinking about Maria. "She looks just like Grace Kelly." This time my eyes flash up to look at Henry and hold for a moment, hoping he will make the connection and realize to whom I'm speaking. He's met Maria several times and knows that reference well when people speak about her. He also knows that Casey is Maria's biological daughter given how similar they look. I see the moment of recognition instantly on his face that Maria is my mother too and smile at him briefly before looking away.
"So you know her then? I thought the majority of you Council Worker Bees were orphans they collected from all around the world?" Collin asks in his direct way and I feel Mikael tense beside me.
"Collin," He scolds him softly and I squeeze his hand this time to calm down, I'm okay.
"I mean no disrespect, Mikael." Collin puts his hands up sitting back. "I'm honestly just trying to figure out how this all works."
"We were both unwilling donations." I answer honestly and see the surprise once more on their faces. I don't wait for them to ask me what that means. "Our mother was also a Council spy, during the Cold War. She had no choice in our creation or donation to The Program. A great majority of all the new generations put through The Program are born via Council surrogates from previous members collected egg and sperm. Created for the sole purpose of being Elite Human Weapons." It still blows my mind that these people, as heirs above us, have no idea how the Council actually works.
"Christ. That sounds awful." Collin shakes his head. "I had no idea they purposefully breed you people into existence."
"It sounds like some elaborate Thoroughbred Breeding Program." Fredrik shakes his head with narrowing brows in disbelief. "This sounds a great deal like Hitler's program for the master Aryan race."
"It pretty much is." Nyah adds her own two cents, finally speaking up. Her hands folded in front of her face casually holding all of their attention. "They take the best of the best and breed them together to get the most elite human beings on Earth. Funny how they end up being considered less in The Council given their' exceptional genetics and abilities. Especially Julia; she's considered to be the best of our best when it comes to her skills." She smiles softly at me and then takes a long swig of wine letting her comment settle in, reminding them that she and I may be considered less in their eyes as Worker Bees, but we were anything but. She's trying to get them to question their own positions with us and where we all stand. I know the heirs haven't always been kind to her. The older we've all gotten, the easier it seems to be for her but she's just as annoyed as I am in this moment that they really don't know anything about how The Council actually works. They just live off the perks we bleed and die for.
"You're considered the best of the best?" Elizabeth marvels with a skeptical smile.
"She is." Nyah doesn't give me the chance to answer coming swiftly to my defense.
"For your age group you mean? As Third Gens." Collin asks just as surprised to hear it.
"For Third Gens, yes. But well on her way to being the best of the best of them all. First Gens, too." Nyah offers and Mikael nods in agreement.
"Julia is exceptional at what she does. Seeing her in action is an awe inspiring sight to behold." He smiles softly, kissing my hand again. "I'm very proud of her."
"You're just one surprise after another, Julia." Collin raises his glass to me in salute. "You've certainly brought intrigue and excitement into our little group." He laughs.
"But what happens after the baby is born?" Lauren asks full of curiosity. "You can't possibly still be going out into the field to work. Right?"
"No. I will still be working in the field." I answer quietly concentrating on her and ignoring Henry who I see shifting uncomfortably in his chair with a reminder of this reality. "Right now I'm on Desk Duty here in our London office with Mikael until she's born, but as soon as I have the baby and Maternity Leave is over, I'll be back in the field."
"And how much Maternity Leave are you getting?" Stella asks.
"Six weeks." I answer feeling a stab to my heart at the idea of that.
"God, that's not long at all!" She gasps in horror. "How can you leave your baby so soon after birth? I don't think I could ever do that."
"Of course I'd like it to be longer, but I don't have any say in the matter. They want me back in the field as soon as possible." I answer slowly with the truth and see the realization settle in again how very different our stations in life are, even if I'm marrying an heir. The majority of this evening has been surprisingly pleasant, fun even; but this question and reminder sting and throw my mind into a direction I'd rather not think about.
"Jules, thank you for another amazing meal." Nyah stands shifting gears and starts collecting plates. I'm thankful for her distraction as the others start following suit, thanking me and moving to stand. None of them help Nyah and I to clear the plates with the exception of Mikael and Henry who each take several over to the counter near the sink.
"Thank you." Mikael kisses my cheek over my shoulder with a smile. I know he's grateful that I've entertained their questions this evening. Henry glances at me as he sets the plates down beside me on the other side and then moves to follow Mikaee to join the others in the living room where they're socializing with their wine. Nyah helps me to rinse the dishes and put them into the dishwasher in mostly silence. We make quick work of it having had plenty of experiencing doing this before as a team working together over the years and living together as well and the task is complete in no time.
Elizabeth turns around to face us; slowly she starts making her way towards Nyah and I in the kitchen and away from their group. There is a predatory gaze in her eyes that is unsettling.
"It makes perfect sense now." She comes to stand right beside me, nearly whispering with voice so quiet and looking at the others across the room while I clean up and put away the food during our dinner party.
"What does?" I ask feeling like she's gearing up for something. Nyah's eyes catch mine at the end of the island where she's been helping me. I can tell she senses it coming too.
"Your urgent need to speak with him and why he dragged you out of the bar that night like a madman." She pauses bouncing her wine glass softly in her hand as her arms cross, "He's the father."
My heart starts pounding immediately. She turns to look at me, and flash of sadness, anger and jealousy cross her features before fixating a fake tight smile. "Don't bother denying it. I can do the math. I know that in December you and Henry were sleeping together. Mikael only had eyes for Emma then. Everything fell into place for me when I caught you with Henry's hands resting on your belly in the pantry earlier, when no one else was looking. Suddenly, it all made sense. The only thing that I can't quite put together is, obviously, Henry is the Crown Prince and he can never actually marry the likes of you. But why is Mikael marrying you? Certainly he's aware the child is not his and yet he's claiming it. He must either love you very much, or, there's something in it for him. Which is it?" She asks quietly with a dangerous gleam in her eye.
"What do you want, Elizabeth?" I ask outright, not in the mood to play games.
"I want assurances you're going to stay away from Henry. He's mine." Her tone is dripping with possessive venom.
"I wasn't aware he was property." Nyah chimes in, coming to my defense and having had enough as well.
"He isn't, unlike the two of you." She smiles at us, "But he is mine. We have a future together and if you know what's good for that child," she nods towards my belly, "You'll steer clear of Henry."
"Are you threatening my child?" I ask feeling my hand roll into a fist beside me in rage.
"Oh, heaven's no." She laughs softly, "I'm not stupid, Julia. I know you're a trained killer. The best of the best as Nyah just claimed." She smirks at Nyah. "I'm simply giving you some helpful advice since you're new to this side of The Council. Rumors can destroy a child's life just as easily as a physical threat of violence. If people start talking…well," She sips her wine dramatically, "It's just best you keep to your side of things, and we'll keep to ours. That's all. I certainly won't be telling anyone who the real father is. That doesn't help me at all. So I'll keep your little secret, so long as you steer clear and let Henry be happy with someone else."
"And by someone else, of course you mean you?" Nyah mocks her with the same fake smile.
"Naturally." Elizabeth smiles. "We have no need to be enemies, ladies. We're going to be spending a lot of time together. We may as well get used to it. I just wanted to clear the air between us. Now if you'll excuse me." She smiles and saunters off towards the other end of the room and slides up next to Henry like the snake she is, tangling her arm around his waist possessively.
"You really need to put that bitch in her place." Nyah says quietly standing next to me while I look at them across the room. "Because if you don't, I'm going to."
"No you won't." I sigh and look down, going back to doing what I was before in putting away the food. "And neither will I."
"Why not?" Nyah asks disappointed helping me cover the rest of the dishes. "She's had it coming since that comment in the bar in regards to you making Henry a better lover for her."
"Because, no matter how much I may want to punch her in the face or slit her throat," I whisper watching her kissing the spot below Henry's ear and laughing, "I have to think about my child first and foremost and what's best for her."
Nyah lets go of a big sigh, crossing her arms over her chest and sways her head back and forth, "Okay, I can see your point but I still think she needs to have an unfortunate accident." She smiles at me and I can't tell if she's teasing or serious in this moment.
"Nyah," I warn her with a laugh just in case.
"I'm just saying brakes fail all the time." She shrugs and I can't help but laugh. I know she's teasing now, as that's the worst way to off someone if you want to make it look like an accident. Too movie cliché.
I kiss her cheek on the way to the fridge, "Thank you for always making me laugh."
"Well, the bitch ruined a good dinner party. It was fun until she started with the typical heir-games they're so fond of." She seethes. I know she's had far more experience than I have socializing with heirs and so I take her word for it. We were having a nice time even with some of the uncomfortable dinner conversation until Elizabeth came around with her thinly veiled threats.
"She's not going to tell anyone." I sigh speaking quietly looking over at Elizabeth with Henry. "She wants to marry him and that's only going to happen so long as no one knows I exist. If she exposes the baby, she exposes me and my relationship with Henry, and that's the last thing she wants. That ruins the image the media is painting of her as 'Henry's One True Love' and the one he someday intends to marry."
September 1st, 2001
Cunningham Palace
I can feel all eyes on me as I slowly make my way down the stairs on Mikael's arm. The party may be to celebrate Henry's sister's 18th Birthday, but I'm all anyone is talking about. My very pregnant belly makes a very easy focal point, especially in this dress. It fits like a glove showing off single curve and I'm grateful that it's comfortable, with a halter-top to help keep my massive cleavage contained. They've grown at least two cup sizes in the last trimester alone. Mikael is thrilled with that fact but without proper support, they give me a backache.
When we hit the bottom of the stairs, Mikael proudly introduces me to several older couples and I greet them politely, heaping on the charm as I'm supposed to do in order to make a favorable impression. All I can think about is seeing Henry again. I haven't seen him at all in the last six weeks since our dinner party and the closer I get to my due date, he's the only one I want to see. I'm scared to be doing this without him. Mikael has been wonderful and we've grown a great deal closer in the past few weeks. We've settled into a nice routine and I'm thankful, but it's not the same without Henry. There is a sea of faces spread out before me as we slowly make our way through the crowd of partygoers with everyone looking spectacular in their Royal Regalia and black tie tuxedoes. The women look beautiful in their colorful gowns but it all looks like a blur to me. I'm here but not really present. My mind is elsewhere.
"Are you okay?" Mikael asks quietly seeing the far off look in my eye.
"I'm okay." I smile at him. "Just tired and hungry." He snickers in response knowing this is the usual time of night I need a snack.
"I'll go get you something." He leans in and kisses my lips lightly.
"Thank you." I smile as he leaves. He's been so good about taking care of me I can honestly feel how much he loves me.
"Julia," I hear a familiar female voice calling to me from behind and then feel the soft hand on my elbow. When I turn around I'm happy to see a familiar face in this sea of unknowns.
"Senator Thorne." I smile at Katherine Thorne and her husband beside her, "President Thorne." Their awe and surprise on their faces in looking at my belly is hard to miss. I think I've actually stunned her speechless. My hand smoothes over the top of my belly under their' bewildered gaze.
"We heard recently that you were expecting but this," Katherine struggles to find words, "Is stunning."
President Thorne wraps his arm around her back with a raging smile. "You look beautiful, Julia. Truly incredible."
"Thank you, sir." I smile softly at their kindness. "I feel like a whale."
"No." Katherine grabs my forearm with a genuine smile. "You look gorgeous. Glowing and flawless. You've never been more beautiful to me. I'm so happy for you. Congratulations on the baby and the engagement to Mikael."
"Thank you, ma'am." I smile feeling immediately at ease in their presence. They've always treated me as equal and human long before anyone else in this room did.
"When is the baby due?" President Thorne asks excitedly. "Soon I gather?" He laughs softly seeing the size of my belly.
"Soon." I smile laughing with him and for real the first time this evening. "September 11th."
"Ten days!" Katherine gasps in surprise with smiling eyes. "That's very soon."
"It's so good to see you." I smile happily at them both. "It feels like forever. I miss working for you." The last time I saw Katherine in person was on the tarmac at the estates a year and a half ago. She'd become a Senator since then and I had new masters at the helm in the North American Division. Our circles weren't the same anymore.
"And we miss you." President Thorne smiles. "Hopefully the new guy is treating you well." He teases.
"Ah, not as well as his predecessor." I shake my head with a smile, speaking in a near whisper knowing the current President Harper is around here somewhere.
"He's not kind to you?" Katherine asks with immediate narrowed brows.
"I'm very much Council Property in the new administration's eyes, ma'am." I flash her a soft and nervous smile.
"That's distressing to hear." Katherine rubs her hand gently on my forearm in silent support and then smiles. "I'll have a stern word with President Harper for you, if you'd like me to?"
Her comment has the intended response and I cannot help but laugh.
"Jules," Mikael approaches with a raging smile. I think he's happy to see me honestly happy, laughing and smiling. "President Thorne, Senator Thorne." He addresses them both with smiles.
"Your Highness." They greet him quietly.
Mikael hands me a small plate with an assortment of finger foods. "Thank you." I smile at him.
He kisses my temple, "Anything for you." He smiles. "She's always hungry at this time of night." He laughs softly.
"So was Kate." President Thorne shares in the laughter. "This time of night and at 3 a.m."
"The same with Julia!" Mikael's eyes widen with delight and laughter.
"See. It's not just me." I bump against him with a smile for teasing me all the time about it.
"Kate always had to have a piece of toast with chunky peanut butter and bananas every night at 3 a.m. I tried to think ahead and pre-make it. Setting it beside her on the nightstand so I could keep sleeping. But that wasn't good enough. It had to be warm toast and freshly made." President Thorne shares and we all laugh.
"It just didn't taste the same." Katherine shrugs with a smile.
"It was worth it." President Thorne smiles adoringly at her. "Kelsi came out healthy and strong and absolutely beautiful. To this day, the kid still loves peanut butter toast with bananas."
"I love peanut butter and banana sandwiches, too." I laugh shaking my head while Mikael makes a face of disgust. "Clearly he doesn't know what he's missing." It's so nice to laugh again and with genuine people.
"Do you know what you're having?" Katherine asks as our laughter dies down a bit.
"A girl." Mikael proudly smiles, reaching out to touch my belly. "And she's just as active and feisty as her mother. Always on the move."
"She's a relentless kicker." My hand joins his on my belly. "She seems to be dancing right now."
"Aww," Katherine smiles in happiness for me. "May I?" She asks quietly nodding towards my belly. I'm stunned she wants to feel my baby kick but incredibly happy to let her. These are some of the few people in my world who enjoy my presence as a human being instead of their weapon of war.
"Absolutely. Of course." I smile taking her hand and placing it where I know the baby's feet are. "She's run out of room so her little feet are always kicking the same spot." I explain waiting and then we feel it, the rapid and firm dancing of little feet.
"Oh, this is amazing." She smiles with awe in her face and voice. "William, feel this." She encourages her husband to feel as well, not giving him a choice she takes his hand and places it where hers' was.
Mikael and I share our stunned surprise at their joy in ours.
"Amazing indeed." President Thorne smiles widely. "Such a precious miracle. I forgot how incredible this is." He shares a smile with Katherine. "You're very blessed." He smiles at us both when they pull their hands away.
"Does she have a name yet?" Katherine asks with a smile.
"Anya." I smile, "Anya Maria Cassiopeia. She's named for the most important women in my life." It's the truth, though not the truth most people fully understand. I know Katherine will in knowing Maria is my biological mother and Kristin the one who raised me, and Cassiopeia is self-explanatory given their knowledge of my history with her. "Anna was my mother Kristin's middle name. It means God's gift."
"Her full name mean God's rebellious queen." Mikael laughs with a raging smile as do they, "Very appropriate, I think considering the women in this family."
"Beautiful." Katherine smiles, squeezing my forearm lightly again. I can see the faintest of glassy tears in her eyes for the first time in my life. This formidable woman, so moved by my naming my child after my mother and the ones who've raised me is moved to tears. "A wonderful way to honor your mothers and the General." She winks at me with a smile.
"Thank you." I smile with pride.
"Do you mind keeping an eye on her for a moment?" Mikael asks quietly with a smile, knowing I don't really need a babysitter, but asking more out of keeping me company in this room full of voyeurs and vultures. "There is someone I need to speak with and I hate to tear Julia away from people whose company she actually enjoys."
"We'd love to keep an eye on her." Katherine smiles and so does the President.
"Thank you." Mikael smiles and drops a quick kiss to my face before leaving me with them.
"How is Cassiopeia?" Katherine asks quietly once he's gone. "I saw her at the last Quarterly Council Meeting but never had the chance to visit with her. She seems to be doing well and fully healed."
"Yes." I smile proudly. "Better than ever. Not without a few setbacks. But well."
"Wonderful." Katherine smiles genuinely happy.
"She's here somewhere." I scan the crowd looking for her beautiful face. "Working, of course. Council business."
"Oh, I'll have to find her later and say hello." Katherine smiles.
The orchestra starts playing and people start moving towards the dance floor.
"Julia, would you do me the honor?" President Thorne smiles extending his hand out to me for a dance.
"Me?" I ask startled the man wants to dance with me.
"Of course you." He smiles with his charming southern drawl. Katherine is smiling and nodding and it dawns on me what they're doing. They're helping me to ease into their world by showing other's their approval of me; that they accept me.
"Go on." Katherine nods again with a smile taking my empty plate. "Have fun."
This is one of the most surreal moments of my life. Standing in the middle of the giant hall in Cunningham Palace, dancing with the former President of the United States while heavily pregnant. It's going in the memory book of my life for sure. His charming smile and laughter put me instantly at ease and this time when I feel all eyes on me, they feel less judgmental and more accepting if he's dancing with me and having fun.
"They're still staring." I smile at him in a whisper when he pulls me closer.
"Because you're quite possibly the most beautiful young woman here." He smiles.
I can't help but laugh, "Thank you for the flattery, Mr. President, but I doubt that very much. Especially in this condition."
"No. Especially in this condition." He smiles, "You're glowing, Julia."
"Thank you, sir. That's very kind." I feel suddenly shy about my appearance. "I feel like a fish out of water."
"You don't look it." He laughs twirling me around the floor slowly.
"President Thorne." Henry appears suddenly with a smile. "May I please cut in?" He smiles nodding towards me, "Julia and I are old friends. I haven't seen her in awhile."
"Of course, Your Highness." President Thorne smiles and steps back allowing Henry to step in.
My heart is pounding. "What are you doing?" I ask him in a near whisper as he twirls me around the floor. His hand on the small of my back is sending electric flames straight through me and when he looks down at me with those beautiful brown eyes of his, I melt and forget my own name.
"Dancing with the most beautiful woman in the room." He whispers with a smile.
"Henry," I shake my head. "We shouldn't be doing this."
"It would be odd if I didn't." He smirks at me and then smiles at those dancing around us. "It's the courteous thing to do for the gentlemen of this house to dance with our guests."
"You look very handsome." I smile taking note of his new RAF uniform.
"And you look positively radiant. I've never seen you more beautiful." He speaks in hushed whispers. "All I want to do is kiss you senseless and make love to the woman I love."
"Henry," I pull back my tears knowing we're in public. "You can't say things like that."
"Why not? I feel them."
"Because I'm not yours anymore."
"You'll always be mine, Jules." He focuses intently into my eyes as if we're the only two people in this room. "And I'll always be yours."
If people are staring I don't know and I don't care. Casey told me once to seize the moments of happiness when they appear. That's what I'm doing. I've only seen Henry once since that day our fate was decided.
"Do you have any idea of how much I miss you?" He asks still staring into my eyes.
"Yes." I answer honestly looking back at him and feeling the same. "About as much as I miss you."
"I want to be there when she's born." He whispers again and I feel his hand slowly pressing my belly into his. I can tell he's longing to feel her move, to put his hands on my skin again and marvel at our child inside of me.
"I'm not sure that's possible." I sigh.
"I've already spoken with my Grandmother earlier this evening. She said that as long as Marie allows it, she gives her permission." He smiles softly at me and I can see the glistening in his eyes. He's trying to hold back tears as well. "After all, I'm the proud Godfather. Aren't I?" The pain I hear in his voice and see in his eyes over that title is nearly unbearable.
"I'm sorry." I apologize in barely above a whisper.
"Don't be. You didn't make this arrangement."
"If it hurts too much to be near me, maybe we shouldn't do this. Have this arrangement."
"No." He says immediately, "I want to see you. More of you."
"We're not allowed to do that."
"Yes, we are. According to the agreement, you're not allowed to be alone with me after you're married. I read it very carefully more than a hundred times. It doesn't say anything about us being alone before then." He smiles softly.
"I can't be with you, Henry. It hurts too much to let go." I struggle to hold back the flush of tears I feel with what he's suggesting. Stolen moments as the sands of time for us run out.
"Don't shut me out again, Julia. Please? At least meet with me. Have dinner with me." He pleads.
"Henry," I shake my head softly and avert my eyes from his for the first time before I cry. The world around us is still a giant blur of swimming colors, lost in our own world.
"Julia, I love you." The words simultaneously heal and rip my heart out.
"And I love you." I whisper looking back at him blinking back my tears.
"Then at least have dinner with me. One last time, before she's born." He suggests and the desperation in his eyes is my undoing. I cannot say no when he looks at me this way. All he wants is one more night for the rest of our lives.
"Where?" I ask quietly.
"I'll bring Take Out to your old flat." He suggests knowing I still own my flat even though Henry and I have bought a new house together. Being together one magical night there together somehow made it our place to be together. "Next Saturday night. Say yes."
"Yes." I can't help but smile. "One last time." I whisper.
"Henry," Mikael suddenly appears beside us and the world around us comes into sharp focus. Everyone is watching Henry and I with very keen and wondering gazes fixed upon their faces as I look around the room. "May I cut in, please?" Mikael asks with a fixed smile upon his face. I know it's fake for the audience we have and can feel his flare of jealousy but also understanding.
Henry steps back, nodding at us both and Mikael falls into his place while he walks away.
We dance in silence for several minutes before Mikael turns his head to look at me. "Your love was showing." He says quietly.
"What?" I ask on instinct not understanding what he is saying until I see the look in his eyes.
"Your love was showing." He says again more slowly this time with intense gaze. My heart drops into my stomach. My love for Henry and his for me was apparently quite visible, at least to Mikael.
"I'm sorry." I apologize feeling horrible for hurting him. "I can't help it." New tears are threatening my vision and I blink them back furiously. "I'm not trying to hurt you. I do love you, too."
"Just not the same. I know." Henry leans forward and kisses my forehead with a big sigh. Whatever anger he had is gone the moment his lips touch my forehead.
"We never got a chance to say goodbye, Mikael." I whisper against his face. Trying to explain the unexplainable.
"So say goodbye." He leans his forehead in with mine, big blue eyes holding my brown ones. The way he's looking at me I'm not sure if he's suggesting what I think he's suggesting. "It's okay." He nods quietly. "I understand." He's giving me permission to have one last chance to say goodbye to Henry before the baby is born and my heart leaps in joy and breaks again in what has become my new norm with these two men I love.
"Thank you." I whisper feeling happy tears flooding my eyes with his understanding and acceptance.
"I love you, Julia." He whispers against my face.
"And I love you." I smile through blurry tears held back. I pull him closer to me by the back of his neck and kiss him gently on the lips. Showing displays of affection may be frowned upon at these stuffy events but I don't care and neither does Mikael it seems when he pulls me closer and kisses me soundly. "Thank you for loving me the way you do." I smile when we separate. "I don't know what I ever did to deserve you. You're truly my best friend."
"And you're mine." He smiles dropping another kiss to my forehead. "We're going to have a good life. I promise." He whispers running his hand over the top of my belly.
September 8th, 2001
London
For the umpteenth time I look at the clock on the wall in the kitchen watching the second hand tick by in what feels like an eternally slow pace. My heart is racing with anticipation as I look around the space and ring my hands forcing myself to take several deep breaths. The anxiety of waiting for Henry's arrival is killing me.
I can hear his footsteps practically running up the metal staircase through the door from the garage below and smile. This
is it. He knocks on the door near the kitchen and I take a deep breath and open it with a smile.
"Henry," I greet him staring into his beautiful brown eyes, "Come in." I step back and allow him entrance. We can barely tear our eyes away from one another as he sets the bags of Chinese Take Out on the kitchen island nearest to us.
"Jules," He gasps quietly with a raging smile. He stares at me for just a moment as we both contemplate being alone again for the first time in three months, and in this space, and how much our lives have changed from then to now. It takes only a moment before we both step forward and close the distance, mouths fusing in hungry desire. "Oh God, I'm missed you." He smothers my face in kisses and then returns to my lips, tongue sweeping, and claiming and small escape from the backs of both our throats. Every cell in my being feels on fire once again. As though they've just now come back to life after being in a dormant state since the last time we were together. I've slept with Mikael several times since then and nothing feels even remotely like it feels to be with Henry. Just his fingers on my skin feel like heaven.
"I love you." I cry with a smile, kissing him back with just as much intensity. I have to admit it. I cannot deny it. "I love you so much."
"I love you, too." He cries with me smiling and sweeps my legs out from under me carrying me to the bed. Our dinner plans are put on hold for a more pressing need, the need to be together and feel as one once more. "My God, I love you, Julia." He lays me down and slows his frantic kissing just slightly making his way down my neck and tugging at my clothes. His hands skimming over my very large baby belly and inhales a soft cry against my lips when his find mine again. "She will always be our baby. Our love. I don't care what they say." He whispers against my lips and I see and feel his anguish over this cruel twist of fate.
"Of course she is." I assure him and pull him back down for another kiss.
We lose ourselves in each other well into the early hours of the morning before finally succumbing to our hunger of a different kind and eat our Take Out, naked and wrapped in thrashed sheets blocking out the reality of our world. For one last perfect night, we can just pretend nothing else exists and laugh, and smile, kiss freely and touch each other as we've been dying to do for so long and denied. When it comes time to say goodbye, neither of us can barely stand it.
"I'm always going to love you. To the moon and back, more than all the stars in the Heavens and the grains of sand on Earth, forever and always, Henry. Forever and always." I whisper with tears streaming from my eyes looking deeply into his where we're holding onto each other one last time. "You are my one true love. My Love."
"And you are mine." He kisses my lips again, using his thumbs to wipe my tears as fast as they are falling resting his forehead with mine and ignoring his own coursing down his cheeks. "I love you so much, Julia… I don't know how I'm going to do this. How I can stand by and watch you live the life we should have with someone else."
"I don't know either." I cry with him, "But we have to. It's what is best for Anya."
"I know." He drops one hand to caress my belly and then drops to his knees, wrapping both arms around my body laying his cheek against my skin and holding us both tightly.
"We will take it one day at a time. That's all we can do." I run my fingers through his hair, inhaling a cry when he places a long and lingering kiss to my skin and our baby beneath.
"I love you, Anya." He whispers against my flesh and then kisses it again before standing. "And I love your, Mummy, too." He cries and reaches for my face one last time. Our kiss is deep and desperate at first and then slows as we savor each other before pulling apart. "I love you." He whisper against my face, holding it tightly in his strong hands staring deeply into my eyes.
"And I love you." I whisper back. "Never forget that." We kiss one last time and he heads for the door looking back only once, "I love you, Julia Taylor. Until my dying breath, I will love you."
"I love you." I answer quietly. "Forever and always. I love you." I sniffle through my raging tears. "Goodbye Henry."
"Goodbye Jules." He whispers with raging tears building in his eyes and turns quickly to leave and then he's gone, just like that.
"It's just you and me now, baby girl." I caress my belly, forcing myself to move back towards the bedroom with raining tears. "At least I have you." I sit down on the edge of the bed and cry, hugging my baby within, thankful for her existence so that I'm able to at least keep a part of Henry and our love with me all the time; and yet heartbroken that he will never be able to share in this experience with me. What was is no more. We are officially over as of this evening and my heart breaks into what feels like a million pieces as I cry myself to sleep.
September 12th, 2001
Washington, D.C.
White House Situation Room
"Julia, what are you doing here?" Katherine Thorne asks in complete surprise. Her eyes scan my body quickly. The belly is noticeably absent from our last encounter just eleven days ago. "Where is the baby? Shouldn't you be on maternity leave?"
"You haven't heard?" Vice President Shannon looks at her with surprise in his eyes from where he's standing beside her at the table as we prepare to take our seats. "The baby died at birth. Emergency C-section for Placental Abruption but not in time. Agent Taylor is back to work effectively immediately."
All the breath leaves Katherine in a giant rush. She is pale looking at me in horrified shock at what Shannon has revealed so cavalier.
"Looking at her, you'd never know she had a baby three days ago would you?" He nods in my direction taking his seat. "I was told she nearly bled to death, too. And yet here she is. Looking impeccable and ready to go." Shannon marvels as though I'm a zoo animal he's staring at with an impressed smile. "They do bounce back quickly. Definite credit to The Program."
"You shouldn't be here." Katherine speaks quietly just to me, shaking her head. I see the tears glistening in her eyes she's struggling to hold back.
"It's the only place I should be, ma'am." I answer completely void of any feelings. My heart has died with my child. I feel nothing.