Thank you so much for the reviews! They make me smile! I love them. So thank you. It's always wonderful as a writer to hear what people are thinking, enjoying, etc about your writing!
Another chapter coming up today right after this one as the immediate continuation! Be on the look out for the two!- Wild
Chapter 27
Keep Breathing
August 13th, 2002
Undisclosed Location, Afghanistan
"Now there's a face I haven't seen in a long time. I'd recognize that blonde hair and those golden aviator glasses anywhere."
I recognize his voice immediately and shake my head finishing signing off on the documents at hand and turning them back over to the young man before me. I nod at him in dismissal and he turns sharply retreating.
"Benji," I address him before even turning around. "So they finally let you out of the dungeon?" I tease him with a serious tone.
"Yep. Finally took the training wheels off." He laughs and is smiling when I turn around to face him. "I'd never dreamed I'd run into you here."
He looks good and I can tell he's been in country awhile. He has the rugged and weathered 'lived in' look about him. They must have ripped his training wheels off like everyone else's after the attacks last fall.
"Likewise." I reply picking up my duffle once more.
"What are you doing here if I may ask?" He looks around at all the men gathering in this international coalition. "Are you going to be a part of this group they've assembled to track High Value Targets?"
"I'm going to lead this group." I inform him and see the immediate surprise in his eyes.
"Seriously?" He asks quietly looking around at all the elite men gathering. The very best from the British SAS, the US Navy Seals, Rangers, and Delta Force made up the bulk of the Task Force and given Benjamin Tate's presence, I'm guessing he is the official CIA liaison for this assembled group.
"Very." I nod at him and see the worry instantly on his features. He's never seen me before in the field and is clearly concerned I'm in over my head with these men.
"Commander Taylor," A tall dark haired muscular man in his early to mid 30s approaches us, glancing at me but directing his address to Benji. He must assume that I am the CIA liaison given that I'm the woman and Benji, of course as a man, is the Task Force Leader who has been put in charge of this operational unit. Typical.
"No, I'm Special Agent Tate," Benji extends his hand to shake with the man and then nods in my direction. "This is Commander Taylor."
"You can't be serious." The dark haired man scoffs immediately eyeing me warily and then with disgust.
"Very." I respond again to the surprise at my most recent assignment. "And you are?" I ask looking at his nametag and rank, "Lt. Schultz."
"There is no way they sent you to lead the likes of us." He mocks with a snorted laugh and looks back at his men and the rest gathered who are all now chuckling as well. "This isn't the kind of thing you want to get your ears wet on, Honey."
"She is your Commanding Officer, Lt. Schultz you will address her accordingly." Benji immediately jumps to my defense taking a step forward. I throw my arm out and slap my hand against his chest to stop the confrontation I see brewing. While his heroic white knight defense is appreciated, I can handle myself. This isn't anything new for me when it comes to taking control of a bunch of men who aren't used to a woman, a very young one at that, coming in and taking over as the new leader.
"I assure you, Lt. Schultz, my ears are plenty wet. I am a Council Elite Human Weapon." I answer him coolly.
"And I'm a United States Navy SEAL." He laughs softly, "And I'm not so sure what makes you qualified to lead us," He looks back at the large group of men gathered, "This is my team and I am the leader. Those guys over there," He nods to another three men standing together not far from us, "They're the leaders of their teams."
I sigh heavily putting my bag down again. "I see." I nod at him and look at all the other men who are eyeing me warily as I slowly unbutton my jacket and hand it to Benji. "The problem, gentlemen, is that we are now one team and I've been assigned to lead this one team. So I'll make a deal with you. I will fight each of you in hand-to-hand combat and whoever wins, will be the leader. Sound fair?" I ask them removing my sunglasses and handing them to Benji as well. There are many surprised faces and a great deal of laughing that they're trying to stifle from the men now circling around us at my suggestion.
"You can't be serious?" Schultz looks at me like I'm crazy.
"I'm always serious, Lt. Schultz." I step further into the circle the men are creating around us. "You first. Come on." I wave him forward.
"I'm not going to hit a woman." He shakes his head. "Especially one I could kill with one punch to the face. You're out of your league here, Sweetheart. We are highly trained killing machines that have been going on missions like these since you were still playing with your dolls. This isn't our first rodeo." He laughs and the rest of the men behind him do as well.
"Are you afraid to fight me?" I taunt him. "Afraid to be beaten by a woman?"
"No." He puts down his own bag and removes his jacket. "But this is ridiculous. You're going to hurt yourself."
"Let me worry about me. You'd best be more concerned about yourself." I'm going to enjoy this. I move in quickly before he has a chance to come at me. I punch him purposefully in the face, just to make him angry. With his nose bleeding and men around him laughing that I've drawn blood, I've provoked him just enough that he comes at me ready to drop me. Instead, I swoop, kick, flip, drop and choke him in less than 10 seconds stunning the crowd around us into absolute silence.
"Perhaps you're unaware of what an Elite Human Weapon really is, Lt. Schultz," I speak to him in a deadly calm but loud enough for all to hear as I'm choking him out with my arm encircling his throat; holding him in a position he cannot get out of. Applying just enough pressure where he's struggling for air but still conscious and alert. "You likely joined the Seals when you were 21 years old and have been doing this job since I was playing with dolls, as you said. But you see, Lt. Schultz, I am 21 years old right now, and the difference between you and me, is that I've been fighting men just your size since I was 7 years old and still playing with dolls. By the age of 9, I was already a highly trained killing machine doing this job. This isn't my first rodeo either." I throat punch him in a way I know I'll knock him out and then let his body drop into the sandy dirt, standing over him looking around and focusing in on the silent faces before me. "Who is next?" I ask beckoning them forth. I haven't even broken a sweat.
"Fuck this. I'll hit a woman." Another man steps forward, circling me and I see he's British SAS. He charges forward and I anticipate what he will do before he even strikes. Their training and moves are so predictable to me, I do nearly the exact same thing to this man as I did the last and within seconds, my knee is driven into the back of his spine toppling him over from behind where I've flipped over him this time, and on his way down, punch him in the same spot in his throat that causes him to fall like a ton of bricks, unconscious.
"Well?" I look at the two remaining as leaders of the Rangers and Delta Force. "Who is next?" I ask them egging them on with come hither fingers.
The Ranger steps forward cautiously. He's learned from watching the other two fall so quickly that it might not be the smartest move in the world to come charging at me without some thought. When he's too hesitant to come at me, I charge at him instead. He's not expecting what I'm about to do at all and when I'm several feet away, I launch myself into the air, extending my feet towards him, wrap my legs around his head and neck while twisting my body in the air and bring us both crashing to the ground. He's still conscious but stunned when we land. His throat is squished between my legs, gasping for air but only for a moment before I pop him with my elbow in the same spot on the throat and send him into dreamland as well. The group of men around us, roar into thunderous cheers, deciding I might be the real deal after all when I spring back up without even using my hands and beckon forth the last leader with my two fingers. The bodies of the previous three are littered about the ground around me.
I can tell the Delta leader doesn't even want to attempt it but his male pride and ego are on the line hearing his own men cheering him on and so he steps forward. The look in his eyes as we circle each other slowly tells me he's trying to work out what is the best way to strike me first, drawing on the mistakes of the others in hopes of not making the same ones they did. When he takes too long to make his move I run forward at him and he ducks, anticipating the leg move again, only I dive instead and roll, scooping up handfuls of sandy dirt as I do and when I spring out of the roll, throw it into his eyes and blind him temporarily before swooping his legs out from under him dropping him backwards and knocking him out with the same throat punch before he even hits the dirt.
A moment of silence echoes around me before another thunderous around of applause and hollering erupt from all the other men, smiling and cheering, with excited eyes of disbelief and awe. It took me less than two minutes to bring all four of them down and the majority of that time was spent with them dancing around me.
Slowly I walk back towards Benji standing slack jawed holding my jacket.
"Holy shit," He whispers in disbelief and awe like everyone else while I button my top again. "I just…don't even know what to say." He smiles and laughs shaking his head looking at the bodies of the four men on the ground unconscious. "How did you do that? You made it look so easy."
"It was easy. They're too predictable." I shrug at him putting my glasses back on and picking up my duffle, slinging it over my shoulder again. "You," I look at Benji speaking in a commanding tone as his superior on this Task Force as well, "Follow me." He does as I say and follows me as I walk right through the ring of men still cheering and step over the bodies of the others. "Get them to their racks and let them sleep it off." I give my first order as Commander of this unit to the men around me. "Be up and ready to go at zero five-hundred hours."
"Yes, ma'am." Rings out loudly as they all snap to and step out of my way. I've earned their respect and for now at least, they're willing to follow my lead. I'll still have to gain their trust but that will come only with time spent on missions together in the field.
When I step into my new tent and home for the foreseeable future, Benji follows not far behind closing the door behind him. My adrenaline is surging and demands release. My bag drops to the floor and discard my glasses on the tiny table that has been set up as a desk. As I turn around I start undoing my shirt again. He swallows hard several times when I strip that shirt off in front of his eyes and then my undershirt as well standing before him in only my bra while undoing the buttons of my pants. "I am your superior officer out there but what I'm ordering you to do next is optional. You can choose whether or not to follow. Is that understood?" I ask of him in a demanding tone with eyes held fast to his, leaning over to untie my boots and kick them off.
"Yes, ma'am." He answers swallowing hard looking at my body slowly being exposed to him for the first time. We never slept together while I was working at the CIA upon our first meeting. I was with Mikael then but everything is different now. I know Benji wanted me then. I know he wants me now. He's more enamored than ever with me after witnessing the display of my abilities with the leaders outside.
I slide my pants down my legs and kick them off as well, standing before him now wearing only my bra and panties. "Then get undressed." I take command and Benji doesn't hesitate to respond. He's ripping his clothes off as fast as he can while I stand there watching. When he's down to his own boxers and standing just before me, I push him back onto the little cot I'm supposed to sleep on and straddle his pelvis looking him in the eye. "This is sex and only sex, Benjamin Tate. Is that understood?" I'm certain he hasn't had much release since arriving here either. He's too nice of a guy to just sleep with the local women knowing how they feel about such things in their culture.
"Yes, ma'am." He nods with a husky voice reaching up for me and grabbing my neck forcefully bringing my lips crashing down on his. I'm treating this and him just like I would a Siren mission, willing to do whatever it takes not to think or feel and just find release. Completely disconnecting myself from the situation for the next couple of hours before I send him back to his own tent.
It's an occurrence that happens several more times with regular frequency over the next few months while Benji is stationed with my Task Force.
December 9th, 2002
Bagram Air Force Base, Afghanistan
"Hey stranger."
I can't help but smile when I hear her voice. Slowly I lower myself down from the pull-up bar and drop to the ground.
"Hey yourself." I smile softly turning around to look at Nyah. I haven't seen her in months.
"Long time no see, Jules." She smiles back and takes a step forward, engulfing me into her arms. "It's so good to see you." She whispers over my shoulder. "And still alive for that matter. I heard you were nearly killed in the car bombing last week in Kabul."
"I'm fine." I wrap my sweaty arms around her and melt into the embrace. It's the first time in a long time I've been held like this. Safe in the arms of someone I love. For a moment, I can let go of the breath I've been holding for the past few months.
"What are you doing here?" I ask when we pull apart.
"I heard you were here so I thought I'd come by and ask about your plans for Christmas." She asks cautiously watching me unwrap my hands after finishing my workout.
"I don't have any plans but to keep working." I sigh leaning over to pick up my towel from the dusty sand covered mats beneath us. "Why? What are your plans?"
"I have to work. I just came back from Leave and am headed to back to Karachi." She folds her arms over her chest to ward of the chill in the air and walks along beside me. We both quiet our conversation as we pass a group of soldiers headed towards a small set of chairs beneath a barren tree in the courtyard.
"So what did you have in mind?" I ask taking a sip of water. I have a bad feeling I know exactly what she's already going to suggest.
"I know you've been called back stateside for a situation debrief." She takes a seat, "Cassiopeia told me when I saw her last week. She said you had to report in with Ulric in Stockholm and then you were headed with her to D.C. before the New Year."
"And you want me to swing by the estate and give my regards to Maria?" I ask flipping down my sunglasses shielding my eyes from the bright sun even if its cold outside right now. "Is that it?"
"You can't just abandon her too, Julia." She says with a hint of anger in her tone.
"I haven't abandoned her." I sigh wiping the sweat from my brow reaching for my sweatshirt. "I've called her." I zip it up with more force than necessary.
"Once. You called her once, Jules, four months ago. Once in over a year. She hasn't seen you since you vanished from the hospital room. The rest of us can handle and understand the distance you've put between yourself and all of us, but you can't do that to her. Not again. Not after what she already went through with Cassiopeia and believing she died, twice. It's killing Nana not to see you. Not to know anything about you. She said your conversation was very short and you asked about her but told her nothing of what you're doing or how you are. She asks me all the time and I have no information for her. I had no idea where you even were until I saw Cassiopeia last week. Until then we had no idea if you were even still alive or dead somewhere."
Instantly, I feel guilty. I've done exactly what I lectured Casey on doing to Maria by at least contacting her now and then to let her know I was alive and safe somewhere out there and I've done a terrible job at doing that.
"Just stop by on your way through. Let her see your face. Let her hug you. That's all she wants. To know you're still alive and in one piece, Jules." Nyah advocates for her and I give a soft nod of concession.
"Okay." I answer quietly.
"Thank you." She answers softly and I feel her appreciation. We sit in silence for several long moments. I have no idea what to say. I've worked so hard to box up any and everything in my life except work, I feel out of place right now in the presence of one of my best friends.
"You look good." She finally speaks breaking the uncomfortable silence. Her eyes rake over my form taking in my sculpted physique. "You must be working out a lot."
"Keeps my mind from other things." I answer taking another sip and trying to block out those things I don't want to think about.
"Speaking of those other things," She hedges carefully and I take a deep breath knowing I'm not going to like this either. "Henry is determined to find you and speak with you. He's contacted me at least twice weekly for more than a year now, wondering if I've heard anything."
"He will move on eventually." I answer her quietly thinking about the man I love and cannot have.
"I don't think so, Jules." She says quietly, "He is pretty devastated by all that has happened. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to tell him."
"Nothing. You tell him nothing about me." I answer her flatly with a commanding tone. "It was made very clear to me that we have no future and that I am now damaged goods."
"That's not really fair, Jules. He loves you. Doesn't he at least deserve to be told the truth of why you vanished?" She looks at me speaking quietly, "If not from you than from someone?"
"I can't face him right now, Nyah. To see him is to see her and I just can't." I shake my head launching up from my chair. "And telling him the truth will only hurt him more. It's better if he comes to hate me. Hate will stop his need to find me. It will allow him to move on. I'm trying to let him go."
"You're becoming just like her. Do you realize that?" She looks at me with narrowed brows. "Cassiopeia." She clarifies seeing the questioning look on my face. "You're pushing people away, holding them at arms length, refusing to acknowledge anyone you love and saying its for their own good. You used to hate that about her. Now that's exactly what you're doing."
I realize she's right. That's exactly what I'm doing. "Maybe because I see now, that she was right, Nyah."
"Bullshit." She argues back forcefully with a controlled tone. "That's your depression talking. You can't run from this, Julia. You can't run from us. We love you and you love us and your running won't keep us safe, neither will pushing us all away. It never worked for Cassiopeia and it won't work for you either. It will all just be waiting for you."
"I just need time, Nyah." I sigh deeply, "Can't I just have time?"
"You've had time, Jules. It's been over a year. At some point you have to rejoin the world again."
"I wasn't aware there was a set time limit on grief when your child dies." I counter trying to control my anger.
She's quiet for a long time looking at me as we have a silent stare off. Her gaze is unnerving me and threatening to break down my carefully constructed walls so I turn to walk away.
"Julia, wait." She stops me, calling out. Slowly she stands and walks up beside me. "I'm sorry. You're right. I'm just scared you're going to disappear completely this time. Please, don't do that. Don't separate yourself from everyone who loves you. We need you, Julia. I need you."
I close the distance with one step towards her and slowly embrace her again, whispering into her ear, "Just give me time, friend." I swallow my emotions threatening to explode from their boxes. "My heart is so broken, and missing so many pieces now… It takes effort just to keep breathing." Her embrace tightens instantly and I hear her inhale a soft sob with my confession.
"Take some time off, Jules. You've earned at least three months of Leave by now. You never stop working. Take the Leave. Take it." She begs of me to look after myself.
"I can't. To stop is to think and I'm just not ready for that, Nyah." I answer pulling away. "Please, I can't. This pain is so unimaginable." I shake my head, "I never understood what Maria went through in losing Casey as a baby; why she needed Marna to help her even with the most basic functions, but I do now. It's like whatever was left of my heart died with my baby. I don't know what comes next. So everyday, I concentrate on the job at hand. One day at a time. Just please, don't push." I beg of her to understand.
"Okay," She concedes with a soft nod of her head. "I won't push. But don't disappear. Check in from time to time. At least once a month. Promise?"
"Promise." I nod in agreement.
December 13th, 2002
Undisclosed Location, Afghanistan
A cold wind wraps around me as he enters the tent and I feel the air change immediately with his presence.
"I heard you were here."
My heart stops beating the moment I hear his voice behind me. It takes me a moment to recover and be able to breathe again. I'm not sure how to react so I continue writing in my notes. "Hello Henry." I acknowledge him without turning around to face him. I'm not ready for this.
"Aren't you even going to look at me?" He asks standing near the entrance of my tent. Slowly, I put my pen down and stand. My palms are beginning to sweat and I wipe them down the front of my black fatigues. I close my eyes and take a deep breath before slowly turning to face him. He looks as gorgeous as ever. His skin covered in dusty fine sand, his flight suit tied haphazardly around his hips by the sleeves, a thin white tank top covering his torso that's gotten even more bulky and defined since I saw him last. He's put on at least 25 lbs of pure muscle by the looks of it and when I finally have the courage to look him in the eye, I see the exact same look of love there I saw the last time we were face to face.
"What are you doing here?" I ask when he just stares at me.
"You're a hard one to find." He squeezes his jacket in his hand with a tight fist and throws it over the chair near the door. "It's been over a year, Julia. Were you going to avoid me forever?"
"I've been busy."
"So I see." He nods walking slowly around my tent. "You disappeared into the desert." I don't know what to say and so I remain silent. "You're just as beautiful as ever, if not more. You only get more beautiful every time I see you." He sits on the edge of my cot, hands folded in front of his body and looking up at me.
"Henry," I shake my head, "What are you doing here? This is the Hot Zone, the danger zone. You shouldn't be here. You should be at least a thousand miles from here."
"My father approved the order to allow me escort duty into the area. To find you." He surprises me. "The last piece of Intel I got my hands on suggested a stunningly beautiful woman with long blonde hair known to the locals as the Angel of Death was in these parts going after High Value Targets. I knew that had to be you or Cassiopeia." He smiles softly. "Either way, I'd find more information on you, if not you. And here you are."
"Why are you here? What do you want?"
"We had a baby, Julia." His eyes hold fast to mine, speaking in a low and soft voice filled with emotion.
"And she died." I answer flatly.
"Yes, she died." He nods softly, standing slowly, "And then you disappeared on me."
"Why are you here, Henry?" I ask again, not wanting to talk about this.
"I think we need to talk."
"About what? What is there left to talk about?"
"A lot, I think. Our baby, what happened, us…"
"There is no baby, talking about what happened changes nothing, and there is no us."
"Yes, there is. There will always be an, us. You can run all you want. Doesn't change how I feel. I love you, Julia."
"I don't love you." I say quickly averting my eyes. "You should go, Henry."
"I don't believe that for a second." He closes the distance between us, so close we are nearly touching. "Look into my eyes and tell me you don't love me."
I look into his eyes but cannot say it.
"I thought so." He whispers and pulls me closer with his hand to my back. Our chests are pressed together and I can feel his thundering heart against mine. "You love me and I love you. We get a fresh start, Julia."
"Why do you want me?" I ask trying to maintain the block I have on expressing any outward emotions. I'm afraid to let any out or be overwhelmed by them all. "You can have any girl in the world, Henry; far less complicated girls. I'm damaged goods, you know? I cannot carry another baby."
"I heard." He says quietly with a flash of sadness in his eyes.
"And you need an heir." I remind him of his place in the world.
"I don't care." He responds flippantly.
"I do and you will too, someday. You deserve more than what I can give you, what I am."
"Is that why you left? Because you can't have another child and you don't think I'd want you anymore?" He looks deeply disturbed and hurt.
"Yes. No. It's complicated. Henry, it matters. You will need to have a child and I cannot carry one anymore." I say it as matter-of-factly as Louis informed me.
"So we'll use a surrogate. I don't really care. Julia, I don't want anyone else. I want you. I love you. You're the one I want."
"But why me?" I ask in a near whisper. My emotions are just at the edge and he's close to breaking down my walls.
"How can you ask me that?" He asks searching my eyes and revealing his own. "I'm not truly alive without you. I need you, Julia. Like I need air or water…I need you." His head tips forward slowly and my heart is pounding anticipating our first kiss in far too long.
"Commander." Corporal Blythe enters through the tent door and freezes. "I'm sorry, ma'am." He gulps with wide eyes staring at the sight before him. Me pressed up against Henry, who I'm certain he recognizes as his future King being a fellow countryman and member of the RAF, and that Henry's about to kiss me. I never take my eyes from Henry's.
"Is this urgent, Corporal?" I ask with a dangerous tone.
"Yes, ma'am." He answers quietly looking sheepish. I inhale a shaky breath to regain my senses and step back from Henry who does the same putting distance between our bodies aching to touch one another.
I hold my hand out and the Corporal Blythe rushes forward immediately, "The information you requested, ma'am." Scanning the paper in hand, the timing could not be worse but it's what I've been waiting for. "Get the boys ready. We're leaving in thirty."
"Yes, ma'am." He snaps to and charges out of the tent with purpose. I go back to scanning my geographical maps of the area I was memorizing before Henry appeared.
"Julia," Henry reaches out and touches my arm. The electricity it sends rocketing through my body makes me shiver.
"Henry, I can't do this now." I take a step back.
"This may be the only chance we get." He reaches out again. "I've chased you half way around the world. Please?"
"I can't get into this with you before a mission. I can't open those boxes, Henry." I shake my head trying to keep the lids on things. "I need to do my job."
"So we won't get into it now." Henry reaches for me again, his hand wrapping around my waist and the other cupping the side of my neck beneath my chin. His hands feel electric on my skin. "But I'm not letting you leave here until I kiss you." He says breathlessly, "I've waited a year for this." His head dips to capture my lips.
"Commander," Corporal Blythe appears again.
"Corporal Blythe," I address him without looking at him. My adrenaline is surging right now from Henry's touch and the knowledge I'm going into battle again and I can't imagine waiting any longer either. I just need him. Not to think, just to feel. "Can whatever you're about to tell me wait 30 minutes?"
"It can wait, ma'am." The poor boy can barely speak watching Henry's hands hold my face and the other slowly raking up my side. "Excuse me, ma'am. Sir. Your Royal Highness." He nods at Henry, awestruck at what to call him and spins on his heel to leave as quickly as possible.
"Corporal," I stop him with an idea.
"Yes, ma'am?" He whirls around again.
"See to it that no one enters this tent for the next 30 minutes until I come out. Is that understood?" I give the order and Henry's smile lights his entire face.
"Yes, ma'am." He snaps to attention and is out the door again, closing the flap.
"Commander." Henry whispers, clearly turned on by my new rank and ordering others around. "You know, you outrank me, ma'am." He adds with a sharp smile. "I think this is illegal. Fraternizing in the ranks."
"We have less than 30 minutes and counting. Do you want to talk about rank? Or fuck me?" I command and Henry lunges at my lips needing no further incentive. He picks me up instantly as our mouths fuse, my legs wrapping around his waist and backs me up roughly against the tent pole with a painful thump. Rapid and rough is the order of the day. This is all about reunion and release. A year of pent up tension, wanting and dreaming of each other calls for immediate release in as quick of form as possible.
"When am I going to see you again?" Henry asks still breathless pulling up his pants when our reunion is over.
I shake my head strapping on my tactical vest for this night raid, "I don't know."
"Julia, please. Don't disappear on me again. I will keep chasing you."
"Henry," I sigh grabbing my gun. "I'm not the same person anymore. Too many pieces are missing. I can't do this. Trust me. You don't want me anymore."
He grabs my arm to stop me from leaving. "Look at me." He commands this time and waits until I do. "You're the only one for me. Do you understand that?" He says forcefully, reaching up to touch my face gently, "Ignoring me and running away from me isn't going to change that. Time hasn't changed that. I love you, Julia Taylor. I love you." His thumb brushes against my face. "I just want to be with the woman I love." His lips brush mine in a sweet and lingering kiss this time. "We need to talk about a great deal. So much has happened."
"I can't, Henry. I need to go."
"Promise me, Julia. Please come back. Don't leave me again. You just left and took my heart with you. I need to know you're coming back. I can't go through that again." He pleads with me.
"Neither can I." I whisper quietly. "That's the problem."
"Running away from me doesn't fix anything, Jules. I have Leave coming up for the holidays until the end of January." Henry's fingertips brush up my arm and his lips kiss the scar on my shoulder. "If you take Leave too, maybe we could go somewhere? Just me and you."
"Where to?" I ask in barely above a whisper staring into his gorgeous brown eyes. My mind says this is a terrible idea and yet the pieces of my heart brought back to life by being with him again are aching and yearning for more time together.
"Anywhere you want to. Just us." Henry sounds hopeful that I'm even considering this.
"And what about your family? Won't they be expecting you to stay with them during your Leave?"
"No, not if I tell my father the truth. That I found you and we need time together. He'll understand." He smiles.
"And what about your grandmother? Your grandfather?"
"My grandmother knows how I feel about you, Julia. As for my grandfather, I simply don't care what he thinks anymore. He's completely unreasonable." He hands move to cup my face once more, "Please, say you'll meet me somewhere?"
"I have to be back in Washington for a debrief just before the New Year." I can't believe I'm agreeing to this, "We can't meet in DC, but I was planning to spend a couple of days in Montana before I head back here again. Maybe we can meet somewhere near there?"
"I can organize a ski trip for the New Year to Vancouver as a cover, and meet you somewhere else instead. What about the Fairmont hotel north of Calgary in Banff? Very quiet. Just us. No one will care who we are or what we're doing." He smiles hopefully. "New Year's Eve at sunset, on the patio overlooking the river." He smiles fingering my loose and wild strands of hair framing my face, "I'll be there waiting."
"Okay." I agree.
"Promise me, Julia, you'll be there?" Henry asks searching my eyes.
"I'll be there." I promise and feel his lips instantly on mine. It's a sweet and lingering kiss, bordering on needy at the idea of saying goodbye again. "I'll be there." I promise pulling back and then reach for my weapon, knowing I need to leave now or I won't go. I still have a job to do. When I emerge from the tent moments later, Corporal Blythe is standing at the ready with full gear on surrounded by the rest of my team. The looks on their faces say they may not have seen was going on in the tent but they heard enough to fill in the blanks.
"Load up." I nod at them towards the waiting patrol jeeps beside us and everyone quickly climbs in.
"Julia," Henry emerges from the tent just as I'm about to climb in the back with my men who look stunned to see who it actually is that I was fucking into oblivion for the last half hour. "I love you." Henry says loudly looking right at me.
"Henry, don't." I try to stop him from saying any further in front of all these soldiers.
"I don't care who knows anymore, Jules, I love you. I have always loved you and I am always going to love you. You are the one true love of my life, Julia Taylor. Nothing and no one will change that." All eyes are on us but Henry does not care, "I'll see you soon." I nod softly at him and climb into the truck.
"Let's go." I bang on the end gate with my hand to signal the driver to drive and we head out into the night.
Hendrix Estate, Sweden
Christmas Eve 2002
My hand is shaking as I reach for the bell and press it. It's freezing here, so I stuff my hands nervously back into my jacket and snuggle my face into my scarf to ward off the chill while I wait. Tomas opens the door and his face lights into a smile immediately.
"God Jul, Miss Julia," He beams clearly pleased to see me for the first time in over a year. "This is a surprise."
"Hello Tomas, Merry Christmas." I greet him with a soft kiss to his cheek as he escorts me inside. "And yes, this is a surprise." I nod at him. "Where is she?"
"They're in the Family Room. We only just arrived home from the Christmas Eve church service in the village. I was on my way to the kitchen to get more Yule Glögg when I heard the bell." He smiles happily taking my jacket and bag. "I'll show you in." He motions towards the room I can already hear beautiful music drifting this way from the grand piano in there.
"If you don't mind, Tomas, I'll show myself in. I'd like to surprise her." I smile softly at the sweet older man. His smile radiates and he nods his consent.
"She will be so pleased to see you." He leaves me to stand alone in the foyer.
I feel my palms begin to sweat with nerves starting to get the best of me. "Pull it together, Julia." I admonish myself quietly, looking at my reflection in the mirror near the doorway and take a deep breath. "You can do this." I try to give myself a pep talk.
The sounds of soft laughter can be heard as I near the room and when I step into the doorway, Elin's eyes catch mine instantly. She gasps softly with a smile and stares at me. Marna takes note of where she's staring and follows her gaze. Her eyes are instantly glassy with shimmering unshed tears to see me and a smile slowly spreads across her face. Annika is cuddling Alexa to her chest with her husband Johan sitting beside her, and Elin beside Annika on the other side. Marna is in the chair near Elin and Mikael is across from them all. When he sees me is eyes widen and mouth drops open in surprise before a relieved smile lights his eyes. Slowly, he stands and makes his way towards me, engulfing me into a hug that lifts me off the ground, holding me tightly. I hold him back just as tightly, kissing the side of his face having missed him. He's about to say something when he sets me back on my feet but a quick finger to his lips quiets him with a soft smile when I nod towards the piano. Maria's back is to me sitting beside Lena at the piano where they are playing their magnificent duet together and have no idea I've arrived. I want to hear the rest of this beautiful rendition of O Holy Night having never before heard them playing together and don't want to ruin this moment. Lena is a concert pianist and Maria isn't too bad herself. The both of them playing together is breathtaking and when they finish, everyone has glassy eyes and is sitting in silence. Something they both notice immediately.
"What's going on?" Maria asks taking note of their silence and tear-filled eyes.
"Mama, turn around." Annika smiles as the first tear slips down her cheek nodding behind our mother.
Maria slowly turns and sees me for the first time. Her face drains of color at first sight. She has not seen me since the morning I left the hospital abruptly and without a goodbye over a year ago.
"God Jul," I wish her a Merry Christmas quietly in her own tongue and give her a soft smile.
"Julia," Maria gasps and is on her feet in an instant, charging forward. She grabs me so tightly she nearly knocks me off my feet. Everyone smiles and some clap with cheers when I wrap my arms around her to hold her back. Her lips pepper my face and cheeks with kisses before she's clinging to me once more. "I've been so worried about you." She whispers into my ear.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you." I apologize, holding her more tightly to assure her I'm alive and okay.
"You're here now." She kisses me one last time on the side of the head, rocking me back and forth with obvious joy. "Oh, how I've missed you."
Lena steps in right behind her, sweetly cupping the side of my head and kissing my cheek with a raging tear-filled smile before wrapping her arms around my neck. "God Jul, Julia." She wishes me Merry Christmas and then steps back as the rest of the receiving line waits to hug me. The hugs are surprisingly welcome and with each embrace I relax more and more about being here.
"Have you eaten?" Maria asks wrapping her hand around mine.
"No, not yet." I smile shaking my head. She's still concerned about my eating habits.
"Good!" She smiles, "We haven't eaten yet either. I'll have Tomas set another place for you." Once more she pulls my head towards her with a gently hand and kisses the side of my face. "It's so good to see you. You have no idea how much I've missed you. How worried I've been." She smiles softly with new tears and disappears out the door.
"How have you been?" Marna asks cupping my face gently with probing eyes. Her voice is calm and soothing and I know she's as worried as Maria.
"I'm fine, Marna. Very busy lately. But fine." I lie and we both know it but I can't handle letting anything out of the box right now.
"Where have you been?" Annika asks patting Alexa softly on the back as she holds her in her arms. She's so much bigger than when I saw her last. "We've not heard a word about you in months."
"All over really. Middle East mostly." I answer quietly fingering my hair behind my ear.
"That explains the tan." She smiles at me softly looking at my skin.
"She's gotten so big." I marvel at how fast her baby has grown. No longer a baby anymore but a full fledged toddler.
"She's quite the conversationalist now." Johan beams with pride. "Too tired right now of course, but I'm sure you'll hear all sorts of interesting things coming from her mouth tomorrow." He laughs. "Too intelligent for her own good. She's already using logic to argue just about everything."
"It's astonishing. I've never seen anything like it." Elin agrees with a smile, "So intelligent." Her hand smoothes down the back of Alexa's sweet head as she's falling asleep against Annika.
"I should go put her down before dinner." Anni smiles at me and then reaches for my face kissing my cheek like everyone else on her way by. "It's so good to see you, Julia."
"I'll help you." Johan escorts his wife out of the room.
"Why didn't you tell us you were coming?" Mikael asks just as Maria reappears.
"I wasn't sure I could make it and didn't want to get anyone's hopes up." I admit shyly. I turned the car around twice on the road here nearly never arriving with my indecision. "I'm not here for long, I'm afraid." I announce wanting to prepare them. "I'm just passing through and wanted to say hello."
"What?" Maria looks heartbroken. "How long?"
"Only tonight." I answer with apologetic eyes. "Casey and I have a flight to the states the day after tomorrow at Noon."
"Are you at least going to spend the night?" She asks with pleading big blue eyes.
"Oh, please, Julia. Spend the night. It would be wonderful to have you here on Christmas morning." Marna beams with hopeful eyes.
"Please?" Maria begs quietly. "Just this once, let me wake up to having you here on Christmas morning." I can't really argue with that. She's whipping out the big guns in tugging at whatever heartstrings I have left.
"Okay." I consent and a loud cheer rings out. "I need to call Casey. They were expecting me this evening."
"Please extend the invitation to them. I know she likely won't take it, but I'd like her to know she's welcome here." Maria squeezes my hand. "And I'd love to see my grandson again. It's been three years since I saw him last in person. He's changed a great deal from what I've seen of his photographs."
"What about Annika?" I ask quietly knowing that's a point of contention.
"They're leaving later this evening after dinner and opening gifts. Johan's parents are arriving at their house in the morning for their family Christmas. It would be fine." She smiles at the idea that I'm even considering asking her. "It will just be me and Marna in the morning. Everyone else is leaving this evening. Lena, Elin, and Mikael will be back in the evening for Christmas dinner."
"I'll extend the invite." I promise. "But don't get too excited." I warn with a wary smile. "I can't promise she'll accept."
"I know." She smiles with a soft nod of her head. "But she's my child. I'll never quit trying."
I'm thankful during dinner when most are content to simply let me be without asking questions. They're content with my presence and I'm content with my silence and just listening to them. Being around family is harder than I thought as the night wears on. My baby girl should be here, with us and this family that was going to be hers. Mikael seems to sense my distress and change of mood after listening to Annika telling a funny story about Alexa and though I smile for my sister and niece, my heart is breaking. He reaches for my hand beneath the table, wrapping his long fingers around mine and holds on for a long time until I slowly pull my hand away. I need to excuse myself, change the situation before I break down and cry.
"Excuse me." I announce with a soft smile, standing when dinner has been over for quite some time. "I need to make the call now." Personally, the idea of having Cassiopeia here is sounding better and better. I could use her right now and especially her baby as a buffer. If Maria is so engrossed in him, she won't have time to ask me how I'm doing or what I'm going through given my limited amount of time here. She's waiting for the others leave before asking, I know that much about this woman. She's not unlike Cassiopeia in this way. They wait for the opportune time and then make their move. The spies in them or the mothers, I can't tell anymore. It's terrible of me to want to use Casey's baby as a buffer, I know. But at least I will have kept my promise to Nyah to show my face, let Maria know I'm alive and still be able to keep myself from falling apart if too many lids are ripped open right now.
Slowly, I make my way to the back patio with mobile phone in hand and dial her number. It's freezing out here. My arms wrap around my torso and I clench my teeth against the cold waiting for her to pick up.
"Julia," Casey answers not even bothering with hello. "Is everything all right?"
"Yes. It's fine." I answer quietly with body shivering. "I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry, I won't make it this evening. Maria wants me to stay."
"I see." She says quietly having known I was planning to drop by.
"She wants me to extend the invite to you and tell you that you're more than welcome." I explain.
"Julia, I-" She begins to decline on instinct.
"I know. You can't make it. I told her already not to get her hopes up. She said she realized you'd likely not accept but she's not giving up on you, you're her child and she will keep trying." I explain in a rush and my teeth start chattering.
She's quiet a long moment.
"Anyway, just thought I'd ask. I better go back in. It's freezing out here."
"Why are you outside?" She asks with obvious disapproval.
"I needed a break." I answer honestly taking a deep breath. "This is harder than I thought. Being here with everyone." My voice trails off and I express my internal thoughts out loud.
"So why are you there?" She asks. "You don't have to be."
"Yes, I do." I answer quietly, shivering. "I won't abandon her just because I can barely hold myself together. Maria deserves more than that. She has been through enough already. This is the least I can do, to show up and let her hug me. See that I'm alive and okay. It's not her fault my baby died." I feel the tears start welling in my eyes with emotions spilling out, "You wouldn't let me borrow Alexei as a buffer again would you?" I ask with a slight laugh and held back cry thinking about this time two years ago when I used Alexei as a buffer in Rio. It feels like a lifetime ago now. "I'm joking." I relay before she can answer. "I can't ask you to give up your Christmas with him just because I'm having trouble keeping myself together here. I walked into this situation. I'll be fine. I always am. I'm sorry I couldn't make it tonight. I was looking forward to seeing you." I'm rushing to get off the phone now. I'm crying and can't hold it back and I don't want her to hear. Mikael emerges from inside and pauses with hand on the door when I turn around to face him. He can see the tear streaks racing down my face and his expression falls. I'm losing control of this situation and quickly.
"Julia, wait-" She tries to stop me from hanging up.
"I'll see you tomorrow." I need to get off the phone and fast. Talking to her has ripped even more lids off. I want her here so badly, I can barely breathe. "Merry Christmas, Casey. Give Alexei a kiss from me. I love you." I add quickly and press End.
"Julia," Mikael approaches cautiously. His hand reaches up to wipe my tear stained face. "Come inside. You're going to freeze to death." He doesn't bother asking if I'm okay. He can see quite clearly I'm not.
"I just need a minute." I answer him pulling away from his grasp.
"They're all gearing up to leave. I can stay if you want." He offers rubbing my arms and then wrapping me into his embrace.
"Thank you, but no. I'll be fine." I'm grateful for his warmth but the embrace reminds me of another and breaks my heart. I can't help but wonder what Henry is doing and where he's at right now. What he's thinking.
"I can't imagine how hard this must be for you." He speaks quietly holding me more tightly. "Anya wasn't even my baby and I miss her. Can't stop thinking about the fact that she should be here." I know he means well but this is the last thing I needed to hear right now. My heart stops beating for a moment while I catch my breath and inhale a sob, screaming inside.
My hands push against his chest lightly but quickly creating space.
"Jules, I'm sorry." He pleads instantly realizing his mistake. "We've never had a chance to talk about what happened. They just sent you away and-"
"I can't, Mikael. I'm sorry. It's all too much. I just can't do this right now." I shake my head trying to reign in my emotions. "Please, just leave me be a minute."
"Okay," He backs off seeing how close I am to breaking down in tears. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay." I blink back the tears successfully. "It's okay." I'm thankful he's retreating.
"I love you, Jules. And I'll always be your friend." He reminds me walking away slowly. "Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas, Mikael. I love you, too." I answer doing my best to contain my tears and give him a small smile. When he's gone I inhale a deep breath and let it go, concentrating on my breathing and trying not to shiver. I'm not sure how long I've been standing out here, looking at the snow falling like magic in the moonlight when I hear the door opening again behind me.
Marna smiles at me softly walking towards me. I don't see what it is she has in her hands until I feel it with her arms wrapping around behind me. She's brought me a blanket and wrapped me up. Tucking the edges together tightly into my hands without a word. She seems to know exactly what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling without me having to say anything. It's then I remember that she went through this already with Maria many years ago when Casey died as an infant. There is nothing so say that makes this situation easier. But I do feel better wrapped in silent love. Her soft but strong hands wrap my face up gently and places a delicate kiss to my forehead before walking away and leaving me be.
It's so peaceful here. Silent, black, and with brilliant white snow that looks blue in the moonlight. It has a calming effect on me and this time when I feel someone behind me, I'm in much better control of my emotions than I was when I came out here. This time I know who it is. Her silence is recognizable. Maria. No one else in that house could sneak up on me silently as she has.
"Can I get you anything?" She asks quietly when she knows that I know she's there.
"No, I'm fine but thank you." I answer turning around to smile softly at her.
"They've all gone. You can come back inside now." She explains, wrapping her own arms around her body for warmth. She looks incredibly beautiful in the moonlight wearing her beautiful navy blue dress and heels, standing here in the snow.
"I'm sorry." I shake my head turning away and feeling embarrassed. "I feel so rude. I didn't mean to scare everyone away. It wasn't anything they'd done. It's me. I'm the one who is broken inside." I whisper quietly looking out in to the space beyond.
"You're not broken." She answers immediately surging forward a few steps closer and then stops, hesitant to move closer. "You're allowed to grieve, Julia. We all understand."
"I know you do." I look at her speaking quietly. "I honestly don't know how you survived losing Casey as a baby." I shake my head in wonder.
"I had Annika. I couldn't just quit even though I wanted to." She answers honestly. "And I had Marna who made me get out of bed everyday. Made me eat and drink and keep going even when I didn't want to. And eventually, with the passage of time, I learned to deal with my grief. I turned it into the fuel to keep me moving forward."
"Work does that for me. Keeps my mind busy and my body moving. It's when I stop, like this," I look around at the massive estate and the home behind us, "that my walls close in and I feel like I can't breathe. It's impossible not to think of her or what was supposed to be, what should have been and will never be again."
"Don't say that." She says quietly, coming to stand beside me fully. "Some day, I believe it with all my heart, you will find your happiness. You will be the mother you are meant to be, Julia."
"I can't." I shake my head.
"You can. Where there is a will, there is a way." She insists. "You were meant for so much more than this life. I believe it with every fiber of my being. You're extraordinary."
"I don't feel extraordinary." I answer pulling the blanket higher around my shoulders. "Most of the time, I feel nothing."
"Grief is all consuming. It's okay to feel it. Where you go wrong is trying to control it. I learned that lessen. The more I tried to hold it in, the more suffocating it became. Eventually, I learned to just let it out from time to time and every time I put it back into the box, there was a little less than before."
"You compartmentalized it." I understand what she's saying. We treat missions this way, dealing with them a little at a time and she'd learned to do the same with her grief. I'd already learned to do it when I lost my mother and father and grandparents and Casey. But when it was my own child it was like nothing I'd ever felt or dealt with before. It's also the knowledge that I will never have another child. I'll never be a mother and I never knew how much I wanted to be until I was pregnant and she was ripped away from me and told it was the end of a dream I didn't realize I wanted so badly until it was gone.
"Yes." Maria nods and a shiver runs through her body. She's freezing standing beside me, yet says nothing about the cold.
"You're freezing to death out here. You should go in." I insist.
"Not without you." She smiles back at me and all I can do is shake my head.
"You're impossibly stubborn. Do you realize that?" I ask smiling.
She smiles in turn and wraps her arm around me, "How about a cup of Marna's famous hot chocolate and one of my biscuits?"
"I think that sounds delicious." I smile turning around to follow her. "Your biscuits have become the best part of Christmas for me." I admit and she laughs shaking her head.
"Then I'll be sure to send a box with you tomorrow. And one for your sister as well." She adds quietly with a smile referring to Casey. "I assume her answer to the invitation to join us was no."
"She's as equally stubborn as someone else I know." I look at her with teasing eyes and tone.
"I won't complain." Maria throws her hands up in mock surrender. "I'm willing to take whatever you girls are willing to give me." She admits quietly with a smile and my heart breaks a little more with her defeat and acceptance of such a thing. "I just love the fact that you're here. I've been so worried about you." Her arms wrap me in another big hug just inside the door. "Thank you for coming."
"You're welcome." I sneak one hand out from beneath my blanket to wrap around her back. "I love you. Very much." I whisper holding her more tightly and confessing to her for the first time that I do love her. I long to hear my own child say it and it wasn't until I lost Anya, that I realized how truly precious those words are coming from your own child. She's said them to me a long time ago and it is overdue that I tell her I felt the same. I hear her sharp intake of breath in surprise and feel the love reciprocated in the fierceness of her hug.
"I love you, too." She kisses my head, "So much, Julia." Her hand palms my face. Her glassy eyes are smiling as radiant as the rest of her face in joy to hear me say it.
We find Marna in the kitchen, already in her colorful Christmas flannel pajamas and bright red robe, making us her delicious hot chocolate. Neither of them ask too many questions that would open emotional boxes. They stick to safe topics and tell me about what they've been up to in these last few months. I'm grateful for their restraint when I know they're dying to know how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking about all of this and what happened. When it's time for bed, I kiss Marna goodnight at the top of the stairs before she departs to her own room and Maria follows me to mine.
She turns down the bed without saying anything while I step into the bathroom to slip into my own flannel pajamas that are tradition in this house it seems. When I emerge, she's just finished lighting the fire in the fireplace and smiles at me.
"More comfortable?" She asks looking at my attire.
"Much." I smile at her nervously. I know she is desperately worried about me. I can feel it rolling off her in waves. "I'll be okay." I speak quietly wanting to assure her. "I might get knocked down for awhile, but I always recover. Someday, I will be okay."
"I know you will." She answers wringing her hands. "But in the meantime, I just want you to know how much you're loved, Julia. And to know you're not alone even though it may feel like it. I love you more than I ever thought possible. I may not have given birth to you, but you are my child and my heart recognizes yours. I love you, child. You are never alone." She finishes quietly and I close the distance quickly, wrapping my arms around her tightly and burying my face into her neck, inhaling her scent and relishing the embrace.
"Thank you." I whisper against her chest.
"I love you, Julia." She repeats and holds me more tightly.
"I love you, too." I answer and we hold each other in silence for a long while until both are ready to let go. When she steps back I can see on her face a bit of relief that I'm not shutting her out. That I may be grieving and living through my own hell right now, but I'm not pushing her away anymore.
"Do you want me to stay?" She asks nodding towards the bed, knowing it's been a long night.
"No, but thank you. I'll be okay." I answer shifting on my feet.
"Can I at least tuck you in?" She asks with a twinkle in her eyes and a tight smile on her face. "I recognize you're fully grown and quite capable of this yourself but I'd enjoy doing it just once, when you're not ill or sick or recovering from a bullet wound."
Her comment makes me laugh softly and shake my head. She's right. The only times she's ever been able to tuck me, or Casey in, for that matter, are when we've stayed here needing to recover.
"I'd like that." I nod trying to remember the last time my mother Kristin tucked me in. It's been so long ago, I honestly don't remember. I don't feel like I'm betraying her memory by having Maria do it now. In fact, I think my mother would be quite happy to know I was being taken care of in this way when I need it most, a mother's love.
I slip into bed and snuggle down and Maria lifts the blankets and covers over me, tucking me in around the edges and sits on the edge of the bed, looking at me quietly for a moment with a smile on her face and then leans forward, kissing my forehead gently as though I were a little girl instead of twenty years old. "Goodnight Julia. I love you. Merry Christmas." She says quietly standing and turning out the lamp beside the bed.
"Goodnight, Maria." I answer her in Swedish, "I love you and God Jul." She slips out the door and closes it behind her. The warm glow of the fire creates dancing shadows on the walls and ceilings as I look around the room settling in. It's been four months since I slept in a real bed and feeling safe, I drift off to a deep sleep.
It's in the very early hours of morning that I wake to something soft and fuzzy tickling my face. There is a warm body sleeping next to me and when I blink enough times to focus, I can make out Casey's profile sleeping beside me. She's facing away from me but I know it's her and my heart smiles. It radiates joy when I realize the tiny body cuddled into mine is none other than Alexei who has snuggled back against me and his soft blonde hair is tucked under my chin. She came.