Second Chapter up today! Don't miss the first just before this!- Wild
The Winds of Change
She came.
I feel tears of happiness well in my eyes that Casey knew I needed her and came in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve. I don't know how she was able to do it, sneak them both in without waking me, but I'm not surprised. I was tired enough and she's good enough at what she does to pull this off. I tug his little body back, closer to mine and inhale his scent. At four years old now, he's lost the smell of a baby but still smells heavenly to me. Innocence. That's what he smells like.
I hold his tiny hand in mine inspecting his fingers and take a deep breath. This is exactly what I needed. To have my big sister, my protector, sleeping beside me in our shared bed in our mother's house, snuggling with my nephew who I haven't seen in far too long. I'm going to cherish this moment and absorb every detail I can into memory: the way Casey's body rises and falls softly with her even breathing, feeling her son's heart beating against my own while he's snuggled back against me, the soft glow from the fire illuminating the room in a warm light and all of us together in this bed. The tears flood my eyes remembering that though my heart was so broken, I still had a lot to be thankful for. My sister had come back from the dead; her baby had been returned and now here they both were, with me in this house that was our mother's.
I couldn't remember waking to a more perfect Christmas morning since I was a very young child. It's funny how Christmas changes as you get older. The things that mean the most become the people in your life, not the presents that you get. Being surrounded by their love reminded me that I still had a heart. Even if it was broken and crushed into dust, it was still there. Fighting for life and I felt it slowly mending with each of these pieces, these people I loved, reminding me that I was loved and they weren't giving up on me even when I wanted to give up on myself.
I'm pondering these things for a long time, just holding Alexei to me and staring at my sister's back when I realize she's awake. Slowly, Casey turns around and lies on her side to face me. She stares at me spooning her son for a long time and I know she's analyzing me and the situation. Trying to figure out if my holding Alexei like this is a good thing or bad when she sees the tear trails on my face.
"You came." I smile speaking in a whisper with amazement. "Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas." She sighs looking me over once more, "Are you okay?"
"Right now, in this moment. I've never been better." I smile rubbing my face gently against Alexei's soft hair. "Thank you for coming. You have no idea how much this means to me to have you here. To wake up to this."
"It's not too much?" She asks carefully eyeing her sleeping child in my arms.
"No." I shake my head, "It's exactly what I needed. Holding him like this, seeing you," I feel new tears prick my eyes and try to blink them back, "Exactly what my heart needed." I shake my head in awe, "I can't believe you actually came."
"Don't I always come when you really need me to?" She answers in a whisper, reaching out to stroke the hair off her son's forehead and then gives me a small smile.
"Yes, you do." I sober, realizing how true that statement is. Whenever I've really needed someone, she has always, always been there. "I can always count on you. Good or bad." I reach out and seize her hand before she can pull it away, squeezing gently. "Thank you, Casey. You have no idea how much this means to me to have you here."
"You don't have to thank me, Julia." Her hand reaches out to lie gently against the side of my face for a moment and then pulls away. "I'm happy to be here."
"Does Maria know you're here?" I ask in a whisper.
"No, we snuck in very late last night." She picks up Alexei's tiny hand and holds it in her own between us.
"Oh no," I whisper shout coming to another realization, "What about Santa?" My eyes are wide with a moment of clarity. My nephew is four and it is Christmas morning.
Casey smiles at my obvious concern about preserving his innocence and the magic of Christmas. "Don't worry. Santa found his way here." She winks at me, speaking in a whisper. I'm continuously amazed by this woman and the mother she's turning out to be. Some how she's managed to not only pack up her child and bring him here with no notice, but also his gifts.
"Oh Casey," I shake my head at the trouble she's gone to for me. "I'm sorry. It was selfish of me to want you here when this is such a magical age with him. He's only little once. You should be able to enjoy it."
"And I am." She insists. "He's here and so are you. Everything is fine."
"Maria is going to be overjoyed to know you're here." I smile thinking about her reaction, holding Alexei more tightly to me. "Are you nervous?" I ask quietly thinking about what a monumental thing this was for her. To bring her child to this house and celebrate Christmas morning with Maria for the first time ever.
"Yes. I am." She answers honestly and with a quiet voice. Her thumb strokes the back of Alexei's hand gently. "I may also be using my son as a buffer." She flashes a nervous smile at me and I can't help but laugh softly.
"He's very good at that." I whisper with a smile. Alexei first help me be honest with Casey long ago when I first passed him over to her, then again when Maria met Freya for the first time, and again in helping Casey and I ease into our new relationship the summer at Marie's and once more in Brazil with Henry.
There is the softest of knocks at the door and before either of us can say anything, Maria opens the door to our room. She's standing wide-eyed in shock looking at the scene before her.
"Surprise." I whisper with a raging smile. "Merry Christmas." I don't bother moving from my very comfortable spot on the bed, holding Alexei who is sound asleep against me. Maria's hand goes to her mouth to cover her shock, tears are instant and welling in her eyes looking at him and then at Casey, and then at him in my arms and us all three together in this bed.
"I don't believe it." She whispers shaking her head. "You're here. You're really here."
"Merry Christmas." Casey finally finds the courage to speak. My smile is raging and my heart beats with joy for the first time in a long time.
"Merry Christmas." Maria answers her, carefully coming into the room and sitting at the foot of the bed. Casey doesn't bother moving either and stays where she is, comfortable enough to lie there if I am doing the same. Maria can't tear her eyes away from Alexei. "He's so beautiful." She gasps with happy tears filling her eyes. "Just perfect." Her fingers reach out to lightly touch his little foot sticking out from beneath the blankets. "I can't believe you're really here." Her smiling eyes look at Casey and back to me again. "Why didn't you tell me she was coming?"
"I didn't think she was." I answer with just as much surprise as she feels. "I woke up and here they were."
Alexei starts wiggling in my arms and yawns, his little fists star rubbing his eyes as he begins waking up.
"Mama?" He calls out groggily, searching for her.
"I'm right here." Casey whispers to him and without opening his eyes, he squirms his way across the distance and into her arms, burying his face into her chest while she encircles him with her arms. "It takes him a while to wake up." She smiles brushing her face lightly against the top of his head. "Reminds me of Nyah."
I nod in perfect understanding. Nyah was not a morning person. At all. It took her a long time to wake up.
The sight of Alexei snuggled into Casey's chest has mesmerized Maria. She's sitting completely still at the end of the bed with a tear-filled smile upon her lips just watching in fascination. I'm sure she's feeling the same way I am. That four years after our first meeting, we'd all end up together again in this room and in this way. So much had changed. Alexei rubs his eyes again and turns in Casey's arms, snuggling back against her. Slowly his eyes open and focus and I'm the first person he sees. I can't help but smile at his adorable face looking back at me.
"Aunty Julia!" He practically screams realizing it's me with deep dimpled smiled raging across his face. "It's you!"
"It's me!" I smile back exaggeratedly and he flings himself across the bed to tackle me. I hold him tightly as his little arms wrap around my neck and see both Maria and Casey smiling at our exchange.
"I missed you." He holds me more tightly and then bounces back on his knees to look down at me. His tiny hand pats my now flat abdomen and I can see the wheels turning in his head and the expression on his face change and I brace myself. The last time we saw each other, I was heavily pregnant and about to give birth which he was very excited about in getting a new baby in his life. "Mama said Anya died." He keeps patting my abdomen through my pajamas in wonder at the difference in my belly and my heart clenches painfully at his sweet innocence. "Mama said that is why we have not seen you in so long. She said your heart was broken and that made you very, very sad." His eyes flash up to mine. "Is your heart better now, Aunty Julia?" I can feel Casey and Maria practically holding their breath at his statements and questions.
"It is getting better, Sweet Boy." I swallow the lump in my throat and smile for him, blinking back my tears. Tugging on his hand I bring him down for another hug and hold him tightly. "Seeing you makes me very happy. I love you. Merry Christmas, Alexei."
"I love you, too. Merry Christmas Aunty Julia." He giggles and places a slobbery kiss to my cheek. "Mama," He turns to Casey with beaming dimpled smile. "She said her heart is getting better!"
Casey looks at him and then me helplessly and I know she's about to apologize for him when I reach for her hand and squeeze it, shaking my head with the slightest of motions not to. Alexei is innocent and stating the truth, even if it's a horrible, painful truth. Neither has anything to be sorry for.
"Hello." He wheels around in the bed, taking note of the blonde woman at the end for the first time. His smile slowly spreads looking at Maria for a long time. "You look like Mama and G-Nana Freya." He's a brilliant and observant little fellow and I'd expect nothing less of the child of Cassiopeia and Ares. "Are you my Nana Maria?" He asks her with the deepest of shy grins.
Maria is stunned temporarily speechless to hear him say she looks like his mother and grandmother and that he's addressing her so fluently for the first time. Her eyes glance at Casey wondering how she should respond and it breaks my heart to see this beautiful, yet painful exchange. I can see so badly she wants to claim that title of Nana with him but doesn't want to overstep the bounds that Casey is comfortable with. Casey doesn't speak either but I see her give the slightest of head nods to Maria that it's okay with her if she claims the title Alexei has offered her.
"Yes, Sweetheart. I am your Nana." Maria answers him with a tear-filled smile. She's so happy I can feel it radiating from her in constant waves of pure bliss in this moment.
"Oh good!" Alexei smiles exuberantly and claps once with joy before launching forward and wrapping his little arms around Maria's neck. "Merry Christmas Nana! I love you already!" He kisses her cheek and hugs her more tightly. Maria's arms slowly embrace him and hold on tightly with wide and blurry eyes of happiness.
"Merry Christmas, Sweetheart. I love you already, too." She whispers back with one hand brushing over his gorgeous blonde curls. Her smile in raging though she's trying to hide it and when she closes her eyes to relish in the moment her tears finally fall silently down her cheeks. When she opens them again, they're focused solely on Casey over Alexei's tiny shoulder. "Thank you." She whispers to her in absolute gratitude.
Casey doesn't say anything again, just nods softly with a slight smile and I know it's because she too, is deeply moved by the interaction her son is having with her, our, mother. It's not something even Casey has experienced before. I can only imagine what this moment means to her in witnessing the exchange between her mother and son.
"Mama!" Alexei pulls back suddenly with a screech and wide eyes. "Did Santa find me here?" He looks very concerned all of the sudden. "You said he would find me anywhere but did he find me, Mama? Did he?"
"I'm sure he did, Honey." She brushes her fingers down his sweet little cheek with a smile she reserves only for him it seems and shows him in abundance. Alexei will never have to doubt how his mother feels for him, unlike the rest of us. And that makes me eternally thankful and happy for the life he's living.
"But where, Mama?" He asks with furrowed brows I'd recognize anywhere. "There's no tree here." He turns his little palms up towards the ceiling looking over at the fireplace in our room but no Christmas tree that he seems to be expecting.
"I think there is a very large and beautiful tree downstairs," Casey smiles at him with a special twinkle in her eye, "And I'm sure, that's the one Santa would have left your gifts by."
Maria had looked slightly panicked at first but is smiling now in realization that Casey had come prepared, of course.
"Shall we go see?" Maria extends her hand to him with a raging smile.
"Oh yes, Nana! May we please, Mama?" He eagerly takes hold of Maria's hand but looks back for permission, obedient even at four years old. Casey has already trained him well and the thought makes me smile.
"Yes," Casey smiles rolling out of bed and so I do the same. "We can all go together." Alexei cheers and bounces happily towards the end of the bed without letting go of Maria's hand.
Without saying anything he takes hold of Casey's hand with his other free one and leads them both from the room. I follow behind and can't stop smiling. A real, honest and pure smile when I feel so much joy in my heart for them and the scene before me. Alexei bouncing along happily between Maria and Casey leading them both down the hallway. His tiny laughter ringing through the big house has caught the attention of Marna who was already awake and in the kitchen and when she appears at the bottom of the Grand Staircase, looking up at the same scene of the same three, I can hear her gasp echo around the room. Her tear-filled smile rages as we near the bottom.
"Merry Christmas, Marna." I break the ice by speaking first and kissing her cheek.
"Merry Christmas, Dear Child." She kisses mine, still stunned.
"Merry Christmas." Casey acknowledges her with a shy smile.
"Merry Christmas!" Alexei echoes what his mother says, bouncing happily between them.
"Merry Christmas. And who do we have here?" Marna leans over to speak to him with smiling eyes and heart.
"Alexander Hendrix, ma'am." He beams with pride. "But you may call me Alexei. Everyone else does." He giggles.
"Well, Alexei," Marna extends her hand to him, "It's such an honor to finally meet you. My name is Marna."
"Hello Marna, pleased to meet you." He smiles and she laughs at his perfect manners already at age four. "We are going to see if Santa Claus found me here! Would you like to come too?"
"Oh yes, I'd love to come." She smiles with a twinkle in her eye.
"Nana, where is the tree?" He looks up at Maria with excited eyes and a smile that melts my heart. Marna grabs hold of my hand and squeezes watching the exchange and I see a new round of tears flush her eyes. She's so happy for Maria in this moment, she's speechless and barely breathing hearing Alexei address her as Nana and seeing them all still holding hands before us.
"It's right over here, Sweetheart. In the next room." Maria beams with pride, her fingers trailing around his sweet cherubic face.
"Let's go!" Alexei giggles and bounces happily, leading the way. Marna lingers in the back with me watching the three of them walk ahead.
"What kind of miracle have you performed here?" She whispers into my ear.
"I cannot take any credit." I shake my head, whispering just as quietly. "She came on her own in the middle of the night. I had no idea Casey would be here or bring him with."
"Mama, look!" Alexei shouts with glee when they first round the corner and he sees the enormous 12-foot tree brilliantly lit and decorated. Maria certainly knows how to do Christmas. This is undoubtedly a moment Alexei will never forget and I won't either seeing his joy. "It is so beautiful!" He runs straight for the tree, marveling at the ornaments and lights and only then, does he seem to notice the gifts beneath. "He found me!" Alexei giggles. "Santa found me, Mama!" He makes a beeline straight for Casey and jumps into her arms. His tiny arms encircle her neck, holding on for dear life in happiness and I can't help the smile that rages from ear to ear in watching this. Alexei kisses her lips with a tiny giggle then squirms out of her arms to inspect his gifts.
From the corner of my eye, I see Marna has found the camera leftover from last night's celebrations and starts snapping and filming away. Casey takes a seat on the floor, sitting with crossed legs in her flannel pajamas and so I do the same. It's better to be on the ground with Alexei watching his blur of excitement and he runs around looking at everything and showing us all each gift and toy. Maria sits beside me, on the floor and reaches over to squeeze my hand. She's absolutely overjoyed in this moment. Her eyes watching Alexei excitedly show his mother, Casey, his new fire truck that even makes real sounds as he explains, and I know this is one of the best moments of her life. I can feel it, the love and pure happiness flowing from her every pore. Her Christmas has been made.
Alexei suddenly stops when he sees that none of the rest of us are opening presents. "Where are your presents? Did Santa forget you?"
"No." I shake my head smiling and blinking back happy tears for once. "He didn't forget. Santa brought me exactly what I needed. You are my present, Darling Boy." I smile at him and his kind heart seeing the sadness on his face that we were left out. I smile at Casey in so many thanks that her arrival changed this holiday and turned it around for me. Instead of dwelling on what could and should have been, I feel honest joy in was is. I have lost my child but my family is slowly coming together. My sister and nephew, here with me at our mother's house for the first holiday.
"Mine too." Maria adds quietly with the same happy tear-filled smile. "The best present." Her eyes flash from Alexei to Casey and back to me. "More than anything I could have dreamed."
"Not since I was a child, have I sat around a Christmas tree like this on Christmas morning with those I love." I reveal the truth about why this means so much to me. "This is the perfect gift. Just being here. With all of you."
"I will share with you." Alexei decides determinedly that we need something physical as a gift in this four-year-old mind. He hands Casey the fire truck, "For you Mama." And before she can protest, he runs back to the tree and scoops up his new stuffed Tiger and dump truck and heads straight back to Maria and I, "For you, Aunty Julia." He smiles and hands me the tiger, "And for you, Nana." He hands her the dump truck. His little body never stops moving and he's back at the tree, locating a box of wooden building blocks and struggles to drag it across the floor towards Marna. "For you, Marna. Merry Christmas!" He beams proudly looking at us all.
"Oh Sweetheart," Maria shakes her head with tears in her eyes looking at the yellow truck in her hands. "This is so thoughtful, but I cannot take your gift. You deserve it. Santa brought it for you."
"Yes, so thoughtful, Alexei." I smile shaking my head at the big heart in this tiny little boy. "But Nana is right, we cannot take your toys."
"But you gave me a present, Aunty Julia. I opened it last night with the presents from Mama and Daddy and G-Nana and Papa." Alexei looks saddened at me, "You should get a present, too." He doesn't understand what I mean when I say his being here is my present.
"I have something for her. And you, and your mother." Maria speaks up with a smile, getting up off the floor and making her way towards the tree. "I didn't know if I'd see any of you or not this year. But I have something for you. Something I wanted to give you whenever it was the next time I saw you." She retrieves three small boxes from behind the tree and one larger box, handing that one to Alexei. "Merry Christmas, Sweetheart." She kisses his forehead with a looming smile and then hands a box to me and two to Casey. "This one is for Freya. I thought you might be able to give it to her."
"You didn't have to do this." Casey shakes her head, trying to hand back the beautifully wrapped gift with her name written so elegantly in Maria's perfect scrawl across the gift tag.
"I know I didn't have to. I wanted to." She smiles taking her seat again. "Please, accept it." Her eyes glance at both of us. "I may not always be with you, but I wanted you both to know that I'm always thinking of you."
"Open it please, Mama!" Alexei bounces excitedly on his knees, waiting patiently to open his own gift with his happiness that we have presents to open as well.
Casey carefully unties the ribbon from the gorgeous golden box and slips off the cover. A velvet-covered blue box was hidden beneath and when she opens it emerges a large, gorgeous oval shaped, white golden locket with a gorgeous sapphire in its center surrounded by glittering diamonds. Her fingers reach out to touch it and I can see them shaking slightly.
"It's a Mother's Locket. I had them place Alexei's sapphire birthstone in the middle for you." Maria smiles softly and I can see she's nervous. It is a gift from one mother, to another. She understands that they may not always be together given our wayward lifestyles, but knows that her child is never far from Casey's mind and always in her heart.
Casey is too moved to speak, staring at the necklace. I can see and feel her efforts to compartmentalize her emotions trying to hide how much it actually means to her and she's overwhelmed. I get the impression Maria feels and sees it too and graciously moves on not waiting for Casey to respond.
"I'm giving Freya one that matches. Only hers' has two stones for November, one for you and the other for Annika; one for May for Alexa; another for July for Julia; another for March for Nyah, and two for September," She speaks slowly looking at me, "One for Alexei and the other for Anya. All her grandchildren and great-grandchildren to keep close to her heart. I have one that matches hers." She reveals, reaching inside her pajama top to show us the brilliantly colored locket she wore close to her own heart with stones from all her children and grandchildren. Seeing the two blue sapphires embedded in between the diamonds and knowing one is for Anya, I can feel the tears are instantly pooling in my eyes. I'm speechless. The feelings washing over me are simultaneous heartbreak in my baby's loss and joy that she's being remembered in such a special way. Looking down at the box in my hands, I suddenly have a feeling I know what is inside. It's wrapped exactly like Casey's and Freya's. I'm trying to brace myself to open it, feeling my hands shake. My mind races for things to stall with and go over what she's said. Something or rather someone has been left out of her description for Freya's necklace.
"Freya's necklace has our stones? Your children and grandchildren, but not your own?" I ask cautiously with voice thick with emotion and held back tears.
"No." She shakes her head softly with a sad smile and I can see Casey's head whip up with her attention caught as well.
"Why not?" I ask having a feeling I know why already.
"I didn't want to be presumptuous. I do not know how she feels for me, given my creation. But I do know she loves and cares very much for all of you." She smiles sadly, fingering her locket. "The same way I do. I wanted her to have something to hold close to her heart even when everyone is so spread apart."
Casey has been silent most of the morning with the exception of Alexei but after staring at Maria for a long silent minute and then looking at the necklace in her hand, and the one around Maria's neck that includes a stone just for her, and the unopened box in her own hands for Freya, she finally speaks. "Here," She hands over the box for Freya, "You should keep this and give it to her when she's here."
"Here?" Maria asks with immediate narrowed brows of confusion, reaching out slowly to take the box from Casey.
"She will be here the day after tomorrow to get Alexei." Casey explains, swallowing hard and then flashing a smile to her son. "You can give it to her then."
"I thought you and Julia were leaving for Washington at Noon tomorrow?" Maria asks still confused, as am I.
"We are." She looks at me, "But if it's all right with you," Casey begins nervously facing Maria again, "I thought you might like to keep Alexei tomorrow afternoon and evening? I told Freya she could pick him up here in the morning." She pauses as we all remain silent in our shock. "But if it's too much trouble, I can have her pick him up as soon as we leave."
"No!" Maria practically shouts coming out of her surprise, "What I mean is, I'd love for him to stay. I'd love to spend time with him." She is so shocked, as am I, that she doesn't seem to be breathing or blinking at what Casey is offering her. Alone time with Alexei. The significance is enormous as is the amount of trust she's showing towards Maria. "Are you sure?"
"Yes." Casey nods, "I'm sure. I know that you will keep him safe." She adds quietly.
"I will." Maria vows and I can see her struggling to blink back new tears knowing how Casey feels about them. "Thank you for this opportunity."
"I want him to have a different life than I had growing up." Casey explains quietly, "And that includes memories made with you." She adds in almost a whisper.
"I'd like that very much. Thank you, Casey." Maria whispers back. I know she wants to launch forward and hug Casey but is resisting knowing there are limits to Casey's comfort zone in regards to her right now. "This is truly the best Christmas I can ever remember having."
When I turn around slightly I can see Marna is weeping silently in the corner filming and witnessing this exchange.
"Thank you for the gift." Casey speaks again quietly, holding the box with the gorgeous necklace delicately in her hands. I can see the fear in her eyes about accepting such a meaningful thing from Maria but I recognize she's trying.
"Thank you for yours." Maria beams with a radiant smile.
"Aunty Julia, it's your turn!" Alexei bounces with excitement still clutching his beautifully wrapped gift from Maria but wanting to see us unwrap ours first.
My hands are trembling as I remove the ribbon and bow, already knowing what's inside. When I open the box the same brilliant white gold lock reveals itself matching Casey's exactly. Our babies having both been born in September, a gorgeous sapphire shines brilliantly surrounded by white diamonds. I stare at it for a long, long time afraid to even touch it and feel the tears burning my eyes. I've tried so hard not to think about her in the past few months and how painful it is losing her that I instantly feel guilty seeing the beautiful reminder now, here in my hands. I know I can never forget her. She is a part of me and no matter how painful, I can't ignore her existence. My fingers reach out gently to touch the beautiful stones and the first tears slip down my cheeks. "It's beautiful." I whisper.
Maria seems to sense my internal struggle, torn between being afraid to touch it, this reminder and acknowledgement of my lost child, and wanting so desperately to wear it. She takes the box carefully from my hands and removes the necklace. Her eyes hold mine as she reaches around my neck and fastens it, putting it on for me. Her tear-filled smile when she's done spurs me into action and I launch forward onto my knees from where I'm sitting in front of her and wrap her tightly into my arms. She returns the embrace in silence, holding me for a long moment and when I pull back, I kiss her cheek, thanking her when words fail me.
"Mama, can I help you?" Alexei nods happily towards the necklace in Casey's hands. He's seen Maria already wearing hers and now my own and in his quest to make sure everyone is included, he wants his mother to wear hers as well, not realizing the significance if she does. A gift from her mother, to her as a mother and recognizing a bond that's there even if its tattered and broken, strained and barely there. It's still there, that mother and child bond.
Casey carefully removes the necklace with Alexei's help and then smiles when he giggles wrapping his arms around her neck trying to fasten it. Her hands that are still shaking with her walls slipping down, help him to secure the beautiful gift. Alexei kisses her lips with a raging smile, touching the necklace bearing his birthstone and then bounces happily back to open his present.
He rips off the paper with zest and tears open the box revealing a gorgeous brown teddy bear dressed in overalls. On his paw is an embroidered heart.
"This is a very special bear." Maria begins to explain to him as he hugs it tightly. "Your mama can record her voice inside this bear, reading you stories, or singing, or talking to you and whenever you're apart, you can just squeeze his paw," she holds onto the tiny red heart covered paw, "And you will hear your mama and know how much she loves you."
"Really?" Alexei gasps with excitement and starts jumping up and down. "Mama, I can keep you with me all the time! Even when you are at work! I can hug you, like this!" He squeezes the bear so tightly I'm afraid the stuffing may pop out. "Did you feel it, Mama?" He giggles asking if she felt his mighty hug through the bear.
"I did." Casey answers with a thick voice filled with held back emotion. A small smile graces her lips and reaches for Alexei who jumps into her lap. She squeezes him just as tightly as he had done to the bear, kissing his cheek and neck repeatedly making him laugh. These are my most favorite moments and memories I have of her. Ones I try to memorize every detail about and file away. Seeing this much joy on Alexei's face and knowing how much he's clearly loved, that he's getting to live the life we only dreamed about, makes every bad day worth it. This is the one thing I've done in my life that I am most proud of, getting Alexei back to her and her back to Alexei. Both missions were completely off books and rogue and I nearly died, but without a doubt, they were the defining moments of my life. To use my trained skills and abilities to do something good and change the lives of those I love for the better. It gave me, and still gives me, hope for a better future for those I love and even if I can't help myself in this life I've been given, that I can still do good and help others who need me.
I'm going to break down sobbing, I'm so moved and so happy for Casey and Alexei at any second and I know she can't handle that but I can't keep my emotions back anymore. It's been an emotional morning and in the most unexpected ways.
"Please, excuse me." I apologize, standing rapidly and leaving the room. I make a beeline straight for the back patio door, not even bothering to put on a coat or proper shoes, I charge outside in my pajamas and slippers, inhaling a deep breath of cold, fresh air that shocks the system. I gasp feeling the cold air fill my lungs and it stops me from sobbing taking deep breaths.
"Julia," Casey calls out to me having followed right behind it seems. I wheel around to face her with wet eyes and freezing tear tracks and can see in her body language and on her face, she feels guilty for loving her son in front of me the way she just did. She believes she's somehow caused me more grief when the opposite is actually true.
I don't wait for her to say anything or take another step, but close the distance quickly and wrap my arms tightly around her neck, crying. "I'm so happy for you." I whisper through my mostly silent tears.
"I'm sorry." She whispers back holding me more tightly.
"Don't be." I squeeze her fiercely and then pull back shaking my head with a smile, wiping at the stinging tears on my face. "Not at all. I mean it, Casey. I am so happy for you. Watching you with Alexei brings me so much happiness. I can't thank you enough for this. For being here and bringing him. This is the first time since before my mother died that I've celebrated Christmas with my family in a real and traditional way. Your being here, bringing him, has managed to turn this heartbreaking holiday season I didn't know if I could survive through emotionally, into something I'd never imagined. This morning is one of the best memories of my life. I'll never forget it as long as I live." I sniffle with a smile wiping at my tears. My cold fingers wrap around the locket Maria gave to me and feel the pulse of love and loss radiate through me when thinking about my baby girl. "Today, I can think about those I love who are still left, those who are still with me," I pause inhaling a soft cry through my smile, "and I don't feel so empty inside. So alone in the world."
Casey doesn't say anything. She just stares at me and then lunges forward, wrapping me into her arms for another tight embrace. I know she doesn't know what to say and I'm not sure there is anything that can be said about my situation. But I'm thankful to once again be wrapped in the arms of someone I know who loves me, even if they can never tell me given her own limitations emotionally, she shows me that love in a million different little ways. Like right now, just by being here and in holding me.
Over Casey's shoulder, I can see Maria looking out the window at us. I smile with a soft nod of my head to let her know I'm okay. She's stunned, frozen in place, with tears rolling down her cheeks to see Casey hugging me for the first time or me her. I hold on more tightly and close my eyes, taking a deep breath and trying to calm myself and remember this moment forever. What it feels like to be on the receiving end of one of Casey's hugs. It is so rare of an occurrence I file each one away into my cherished memories.
When my eyes open and pull away, Maria is gone from the window.
"You need to get back inside." Casey runs her hands up and down my upper arms trying to keep them warm as the cold winds blow in. "You're going to freeze out here and end up getting sick. You've never done well switching climates." Her tone is back to the one I know best, the General and when I look at her pinched eyebrows of concern, I can't help but smile even more.
"Yes, ma'am." I respond shaking my head and wrapping my arms over my chest tightly to ward off the cold, leading the way back inside.
"Julia," She calls out to me still standing where she was and I turn around to face her.
"You're never alone." She says quietly. "Even if it feels that way at times. You're never alone." Her voice is so quiet it's near a whisper. "You are loved by so many."
My heart feels a little lighter with a surge of joy in what she's saying without coming right out and saying it. She loves me and she will always be with me so that I'm never alone. "And so are you." I remind her. "Come on." I wave her forward towards the door with a smile, reminding her of what she once told me. "For the rest of this day, let us seize the moments of happiness that we can."
And what a day it was. I hadn't laughed or smiled that much in months in watching and listening to Alexei enjoying his Christmas with all of us. He helped Marna and Maria in the kitchen making us a wonderful Christmas brunch and then begged us all to go sledding with him. The laughter was contagious and I'd honestly never seen Casey or Maria smiling so much at one time in my life. We came inside for a late afternoon hot chocolate and biscuits before getting ready for Christmas Dinner with the rest of the family who were also spending the night. Casey did exceptionally well meeting Lena and Elin, who were completely in awe and enamored with her and Alexei; and even Mikael, couldn't believe his eyes in watching Casey in action as a mother for the first time in his life. He saw another side to her he hadn't previously known and I knew he'd never be able to look at her in the same way again. Much like I hadn't after seeing the more intimate details of her life.
The goodbyes the next morning were bittersweet, not knowing when I'd see them all again and especially in watching Casey say goodbye to Alexei. He was excited for the sleepover with his Nana to come, but the way he clung extra tightly to Casey's neck and how many kisses he gave to her and she to him before we walked out the door was heartbreaking. She didn't know when she'd get to see him again either, but put on a brave and smiling face, assuring him that it would be soon.
Maria vowed to take care of him and keep him safe and in one final move that left us all breathless, moments before we walked out of the door, Casey stood still when Maria reached out and hugged her on impulse after hugging me goodbye. At first she was frozen in Maria's embrace and then slowly, brought one hand up to hold her with. The smile over Casey's shoulder on Maria's face was exactly what Christmas morning should be like: pure and utter joy. The relief and love were also very visible and she quickly pulled back as to not let it linger any longer than Casey was comfortable with. She smiled, wished us both a Merry Christmas and then she picked up Alexei to wave at us as we left the house.
The car ride to the airplane was silent as we both contemplated the events of the last couple days, but when I glanced over to look at her, my sister was clutching her new Mother's Locket in the same way I was. Love and loss held tangibly in our hands.
December 27th, 2002
Washington, D.C.
Casey suddenly appears beside me. Her hands stuffed into her black winter jacket trying to ward off the cold of night and sits down beside me. There is no point to speculating how she found me here.
"Did you know that Mary Todd Lincoln was institutionalized?" I ask her staring up at the gorgeous Lincoln Memorial in front of us, Abraham Lincoln sitting so stoically in his armchair looking out over the National Mall with his tired and weary face.
"No," Casey answers me quietly looking up at the statue before us. "I didn't know that."
"She went mad with grief after the death of her third child, Tad, at the age of 18. Eddie was only 3 when he died, and Willie was 12. Only Robert survived to be an adult and he's the one who ended up having his mother committed. I can't imagine surviving that, burying three of your children and your husband." I shake my head in wonder. "They suspected she suffered from being Bi-Polar and just lost it completely after Abe was assassinated and then lost another child, but I don't know if that's true. I think she was just a mother consumed by and then lost in her grief. It feels unbearable to lose one child, let alone three and the man you love." I shift on the cold concrete slab we're sitting on thinking about the man I love and our child and wondering if I'll ever be able to recover from my grief.
"I know you saw Henry," she speaks quietly and I feel my heart skip a beat, "at the airfield in Kandahar." Of course she knows I've seen Henry.
"Who was it? Blythe?" I ask wondering who her informant was. I had my suspicions about the young man assigned to be my right hand since the moment we met. It makes sense she'd keep tabs on me using the person closest to me when I was out of her reach.
"Yes." She answers honestly nodding softly. "He said Henry was quite vocal about telling you exactly how he felt in front of your entire team, though they remained silent and kept your secret. Not one of them reported or said anything to anyone. You've certainly earned their loyalty." Her voice softens and she shifts a little closer to me, "Are you seeing him again?"
"Who's asking?" I look at her and see the immediate confusion on her face. "My General? Or my sister?"
"Does it matter?" She asks quietly shimming further down into her coat as a cold wind starts to blow.
"Yes." My eyes hold fast to hers, "My General has to report my answer, my sister does not."
"Julia," She shakes her head. "The General is reminding you that you are forbidden from seeing him right now."
"He found me, Casey. I didn't seek him out." I remind her.
"I know." She answers quietly.
"What was I supposed to do once he was there? I tried telling him to leave, argued with him that I didn't love him anymore but he knew I was lying."
"I know." She sighs again quietly looking down.
"How do you know?" I ask. Henry and I were alone in that tent when we spoke of such things.
"I know." She flashes her beautiful blue eyes my way with raised eyebrows and a knowing look. I don't want contemplate too much how she knows what Henry and I discussed or did in that tent when we thought we were alone but clearly she does.
"Are you going to forbid me to see him again?" My heart beats a little faster.
"Would you listen if I did?" She counters immediately.
"Yes. If the General made it an order, I would listen." It's the truth. "But Henry wouldn't. He will just hunt me down again."
"I know." She shrugs looking away and staring at the statue before us. I know seems to be all she has to say on this matter and I know it's because she's struggling with what to say and who to be in this moment, my General or my sister.
"He has the ability to get under my skin like no one else, Casey." I address her as my sister instead of my superior hoping to make her understand, "To make me question everything I thought I knew about love and life every time I'm near him. The moment he's near me, I surrender to him completely. He makes me feel completely reckless and out of control and it's infuriating that he can do that to me, just with one look or one touch; but I can't help but be drawn to him. I can't explain it, the way I need him. I've shut everything off inside of me for the last year and gone numb, just existing." I try to explain, "But the moment he stepped into my tent and I felt his presence behind me and heard his voice, everything I've been trying to ignore came rushing back to the surface. And all I wanted to do was feel. Just shut off my brain and stop thinking. I just wanted to feel alive again, if only for a stolen moment in the middle of the desert. Being with him again reminded me I wasn't dead." I whisper quietly blinking back the tears I refuse to let fall. "I know that's not what you want to hear. I wish it wasn't the truth, but I can't stop loving him, or needing him, no matter how hard I try. I need him, Casey, even more than before. He's the only one who feels the same gaping wound of loss over our child," I speak slowly trying to contain my emotions, "and at least when we're together, for those brief moments it doesn't hurt so bad, I don't want to die with every breath I take in longing for my child." I'm revealing more to her now than I ever have before about what I've been feeling and thinking since my baby died but I'm tired of keeping it all in. "I've felt like I've been suffocating for the last year. Then Henry came along and allowed me to breathe again. He reminded me I still have a heart, even if it's broken and shattered and missing so many pieces now. There are still pieces that I love and who love me that are still very much alive and fighting for survival. I want to live, Casey. I don't want to end up like Mary Todd Lincoln and succumb to my grief and never recover."
"Then you need to see him." She nods softly much to my surprise. "I do understand." Her eyes hold fast to mine, "I would have lost my mind if not for Ares after they took Alexei away. The pain was overwhelming and unimaginable," She speaks slowly and I know it's very difficult to speak about this, "but together we could find a way through it."
"Yes." I whisper that she really does understand.
"Then you need to see him." She inhales softly looking away, "If that's what it takes for you to find your way through this, so be it."
"You're not going to say anything if I see him again?" I ask hesitantly knowing her position as General requires her to report things such as these.
"No." She shakes her head, "I'm not for now. But if this continues, I will have to say something, Julia. Ulric is already aware of Henry's arrival in Kandahar."
"You told him?" I ask breathless afraid of what that means.
"I had to tell him. He'd already seen the Daily Briefs listing Henry's arrival at the base. If I hadn't said anything he'd know I was covering for you and it would make everything a great deal worse." She explains.
"What did he say about it?" It makes sense but my heart is still racing at the thought that Ulric knows.
"Surprisingly," She seems genuinely surprised by whatever she's about to tell me, "that it was Louis's problem now, not ours. He wanted me to keep an eye on the situation but nothing further. He's pleased with your performance over the past year and as long as that continues, he doesn't seem to care what you're doing in your down time right now. There is too much going on in the world for him to worry about you and Henry sleeping together." She speaks quietly and looks intently at me for a long moment before speaking. "They'll never let you marry him, Julia." Her tone is soft but firm. "Ulric will certainly never allow it and given your condition, neither will Henry's family." She adds quietly speaking of the fact I can never bear any more children.
"I know." This time I'm the one answering with the two words that seem to admit defeat and acceptance more than anything in this conversation. "I've given up all hope of ever marrying Henry. Even if he hasn't."
"They may allow you to remain as his mistress, but he will be expected to get married and produce an heir someday. Is that something you can live with? Being his mistress?"
"I just need to be with him right now, Casey." I gasp inhaling a shaking breath trying to hold my tears at bay. "I honestly can't think that far ahead. Right now, I just need to see him and take one breath at a time."
She nods accepting my answer and stands. "We should go."
I stand following her lead. I know we're expected at the White House this evening for the debriefing and can't be late. We walk in silence making our way towards the White House when I stop and so she does as well.
"What is it?" She asks looking back at me.
I don't answer. I want to thank her for being here for me when I need it most. For arriving for Christmas, for finding me out here in the cold just now, and for understanding why I need to see Henry again. But I know she won't like hearing those words. So I make the split decision to do something else that expresses how I feel and lunge forward hugging her tightly. Her arms slowly encircle me until she's hugging me just as tightly in silence. We don't need to say anything to understand exactly how we both feel. She's getting more comfortable hugging me and the thought makes me smile.
I'm still smiling when I pull back and look at her. "I'm grateful everyday, to have you in my life." My voice is quiet and I know I've stunned her slightly and don't want to give her time to respond. I just wanted her to know. "Let's go." I nod and am the first to move. She hesitates only a moment before catching up and walking right beside me the rest of the way.
January 2nd, 2003
Banff, Alberta, Canada
Fairmont Banff Springs Hotel
"Well, hello Sleeping Beauty." His smiling eyes are the first thing I see when I slowly open my eyes. "How are you feeling?"
"Better than I have in a long time." I snuggle my face closer into his until our foreheads are touching and close my eyes again.
"Jules, how long has it been since you slept? For a whole night, I mean? Not just a couple hours at a time."
"Christmas Eve. Why?" I ask feeling his hands pulling me closer.
"You've been asleep for 26 hours straight."
"What?" My eyes snap open immediately in surprise. "26 hours?" I ask in disbelief. He's still naked just where I left him, lying next to me so I have to wonder if he's teasing me. "Are you telling me the truth? You're not kidding?"
"No." He laughs, "I'm not kidding." His lips press against my forehead still laughing softly. "I slept through the night and woke like normal. But you kept sleeping. In a deep sleep. At first I was rather concerned, wondering if something was wrong with you and then I thought, maybe you were just that tired."
"I've not slept in many real beds in the last year." I sink further into the soft, comfortable mattress that wraps around me. "The ground, the floor, transport chairs, or cots have been the only places I've rested my eyes for far too long."
"You've never taken Leave at all during that entire time?" His voice is quiet and full of concern.
"No." I answer with fingers tracing the counters of his chest muscles. "I didn't want to stop moving. Stop working. Whenever I had a moment alone all I thought about was you and our baby and I couldn't handle it." By the time I finish speaking I'm whispering and feel his lips press in another lingering kiss to my forehead. "What have you been doing for the last 20 some hours?" I ask him immediately not wanting to open the door any further for discussion on our child. I'm not ready for that yet.
"Lying here, next to you, looking at your beautiful face." He smiles brushing his nose with mine. "I got up to pee but that was it." He laughs. "I didn't want to take this opportunity for granted." His fingers trace down the side of my face gently and his voice dips with emotion. "I've dreamed of waking up next to you like this for far too long. I wanted to cherish every minute I could. You looked so peaceful. So beautiful. I just liked listening to you breathe lying next to me." He whispers with a smile.
"You know," I smile, "That might sound creepy to some people." I laugh softly and his smile rages looking at me.
"That's the first time I've seen you smile in far too long." He smiles back at me and I realize it's true. I haven't done much smiling at all in the last year with the exception of Christmas. "You're so beautiful, Julia but when you smile it's radiant and breathtaking."
I kiss him and let it linger. "What do you want to do today?"
"I want us to talk." He says quietly and I know he's hesitating to even suggest this given I've just smiled at him for the first time. "It's going to keep hanging between us until we speak about it."
"Speak about what exactly? " I ask losing my smile and bracing myself.
"Our baby and what happened."
"She died. What is there to talk about?" I really don't want to get into this.
"I want to hear what happened from you. I was sat down by my grandparents and given very basic details, but I want to know what really happened, from you. I want to hear about her and what she was like, from you. And I want to know what you were thinking and how you felt and why you just left without even a goodbye." He rattles off. I can hear both sadness and anger in his tone. Anger at me or the situation or both, I don't know but it's there. I can feel, hear it and see it in his eyes looking at me.
"Where exactly do you want me to start?" I ask, taking a deep breath and roll onto my back, staring at the ceiling. My fingers pinch my forehead at the immediate headache I get in thinking about this.
"From the beginning." He says quietly, staring at my profile. "What happened after I left you that night?"
The ornate ceiling holds all my interest right now. I can't bare to look into his eyes and talk about this. "I went to sleep. I felt fine. But around 4 a.m. I felt a horrific pain ripping across my abdomen, like I was being ripped in half. It was so painful, I couldn't even breathe. When I pulled the blankets away, I was soaked in blood." My hand covers my eyes as I remember flashes of that night. The bright red soaking my white sheets. The crippling pain and the panic and fear racing through me. "I tried to call Mikael but he didn't answer. He was asleep and had the ringer off. So I tried Nyah thinking she was in town but she was in the middle of a flight and had no service. I tried you but it just kept ringing and ringing. Another wave of pain tore through me and I gave up calling anyone for help realizing no one would get to me in time anyway. I crawled my way to the elevator and that's as far as I made it. I called Casey and told her I needed her. I think I passed out after that. I only remember flashes and bright lights. They took me into surgery and I was out." I swallow hard trying to control my emotions.
"When I woke, Casey was sitting beside me. She had this look on her face and I just knew. The baby didn't make it. They managed to save my uterus but said it was so compromised I'd never be able to carry another baby full term. Maria was there by then. Casey had called her. So was Ulric, your Grandfather, Marie and Mikael. They asked if I wanted to see her. Of course I did, I couldn't believe she was really gone. It felt like a nightmare and considering what Ulric had done to Maria, lying to her about Casey dying at birth, I had to see my baby. I had to see it for myself. Ulric asked the nurse to bring her to me. She was perfect. Just like a tiny sleeping angel. They'd cleaned her up and she was wrapped in a soft white blanket. She had these perfect little lips just like yours and nose like mine. Her eyelashes were so thick they looked like paintbrushes and the top of her head was covered with dark hair just like I had at birth. Her little foot was the size of this finger," I hold it up for him to see without looking at him, "and she had your toes, the second one longer than the first but just a little. She had my same birthmark on her lower back just above her hip and Maria and Casey's long skinny but muscular legs. She was tall but tiny. So tiny. Her head was so small it fit perfectly cupped into my hands. She was beautiful, Henry. 6lbs 6 oz 18.5 inches long. Absolutely perfect." I gasp quietly.
"Only she wasn't curled into a tight ball like I knew newborns should be. She was limp. And when I lay her on my chest, she was cold. There was no heartbeat. I made them check in front of me. She was gone. She'd bled to death inside of me before she was even born, I was told. I just lost it sobbing in grief and then started bleeding again. Ulric took her away after that. Said it was only stressing me more and harming me further. He called off the engagement and said the deal was null and void with the death of the baby. There was no need to go through with it anymore especially since I couldn't provide Mikael with an heir. Your grandfather said it was finished as well, and he forbid me from making contact with you. That even if we had the chance to start over now, I was barren and could never become your wife, unable to bare your children or provide an heir to you either. Ulric said the best way to handle me was to put me to work. That I performed better after tragic events in my life by working through them on the job. Said it was the best thing for me and I agreed. I just felt numb at that point. I'd turned everything off inside of me. I felt dead and just didn't care what happened to me anymore. I really didn't. Three days later, the world joined in my madness with the terror attacks in New York and Washington. I was pulled directly from the hospital and put on a plane bound for DC and put back to work immediately. From there, I bounced nonstop around the world from one place to the next finding actionable intelligence that would lead us to those responsible. Once I hit the desert, I was put in command of a joint Task Force that went hunting those we'd identified as High Level Targets. As for how I've felt," I answer another of his questions, "I've spent a lot of time hoping someone would just finish me off and do me in on one of these missions; but somehow, someway I always survive. I never expected to see you again. But you walked into my tent and now here we are." Its not until I finish that I realize tears are streaming silently from my eyes into the pillow. Henry is silent beside me and when I have the courage to turn and face him, I see the same silent tears coursing down his face.
"I'm so sorry." He whispers looking at me. "That I wasn't there that night. That I didn't answer my phone. I never heard it ringing. I'd have come, Julia. I would have."
"And it wouldn't have done any good. It was too late by the time I was already hemorrhaging that badly."
"Did I cause this? By making love to you that night?"
"No." I answer immediately seeing the fear in his eyes. "You didn't. We didn't. I asked and was assured it had nothing to do with that. These events were put into motion months before when the placenta first began tearing away. The further I got into pregnancy, the more stress and strain and near the end, by her due date, it couldn't hold on any more. In hindsight, I should have had a C-section weeks prior to its failure."
"When did it first begin to fail?" He asks learning new information. I've hoped to avoid this question.
"The night after the amniocentesis." I confess and see his immediate wide eyes and know what the next question will be before he asks it. "I began bleeding and went into preterm labor once I arrived in Sweden. They were able to stop it. I never told you because I didn't want to worry you about it. We weren't your problem anymore. Involving you in things you could do nothing about seemed unfair to burden you with."
"Julia," He shakes his head softly with new tears.
"The rest of my pregnancy went along very well. Until suddenly it didn't." I sigh inhaling my tears. "Our baby bled to death inside of me because my body failed. Not because of anything you did or didn't do." I try to reassure him.
"Your body didn't fail." He says angrily biting back more tears that are flushing his eyes. "My grandfather's insistence upon doing that ridiculous test during an already incredibly stressful day caused this. They should have done it in a proper hospital setting with adequate rest. Not in the middle of the palace with everyone watching and then beating you down having your life decided in the immediate aftermath and thrown on a plane just hours after. Too much strain and too much stress. It was barbaric. No human should have been subjected to such a thing, especially not a pregnant woman."
"I'm not a human to them, Henry. I am a weapon. I am property and I have no rights."
"I wished I could have seen her. Held her just once." He says quietly. "Thank you for sharing the details with me."
"She was beautiful. The perfect combination of you and me."
"I wanted our little girl, Julia. Please know that I did. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her or dream of what she'd look like. Our beautiful child with your smile. I wanted so badly to be her father. I'd dream about it, the things we'd do together. What I'd teach her. I loved her even though I never got to meet her."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. You did nothing wrong."
"Our baby died and I cannot give you another child."
"You cannot carry one. It does not mean we couldn't have another child in our future if the time was right with a surrogate." He says hopefully and with new purpose. "I still believe in us, in our future and if that future can have a family, no matter how it comes to be. I want our baby. Not just anyone's baby. Our child. One that's made of you and me. I don't care if you can't carry that child. I don't want it as my heir, I want it because it's a physical manifestation of our love. It means we have a future and that love lives on."
"Henry," My heart clenches painfully with even the suggestion.
"Do you want to have another child? Not right now, of course, but in the future?" His beautiful brown eyes implore mine, rolling over to hover above me and cocoon me beneath him. Our hearts pounding together through pressed chests.
The hope I see in his eyes tears at my soul that I can't give him this. "I haven't even thought of it, Henry. The possibility for me was gone with Anya, and so were you. I'm still property and it's still forbidden."
"Forget the rules for a minute." He whispers fingering my hair with his fingertips, staring into my eyes. "If we are able to be married and have a future. Would you want to have another child with me?"
"Of course, I would." I gasp with a soft cry speaking out loud what I've tried so hard to deny. "I want a future with you. But Henry, we're forbidden from ever being married. Your grandfather and especially Ulric, would never allow it. You're too public and Ulric needs me to be private."
"I refuse to give up on us." Henry shakes his head. "I am going to be with you in one way or another."
"Then maybe we have to accept that in order to be together, it will have to be in another way than what we'd both like." I think about what Casey said sitting in front of the Lincoln Memorial.
"Which way is that?" He asks with narrowing brows of concern seeing the welling tears in my eyes again.
"That you marry someone else, produce the expected heir, Henry." I swallow hard at the idea, "And I'll remain just your mistress on the side."
"You will never be just my mistress on the side, Julia. Never. You are never just anything."
A/N: For those asking about Anya, she was talked about in ROE: Book Two (this book you're reading) in Chapter 32 in a conversation between Tony and Kristoff. As for how it all came about, that comes later in this story as Julia starts putting the pieces together. So much more story to tell! It call comes out a little at a time. This is most epic series. Lots and lots more to come.