A/N: As always, thank you to everyone who took the time to review the last chapter! I loved your comments and support. Thank you also to the wonderful BK2U, who made some excellent suggestions for this chapter and took the time to review it twice. I feel like it's much stronger for her advice.
Chapter 12: Tris – Too
Tris has never actually been to a company's holiday party before. Her own employer never holds them, preferring instead to order goodies in for everyone to eat on the job. But Tobias' company believes in the tradition.
The bar they rented for the night is packed, filled with laughter and chatter and overdressed people starting to shed clothing. It's hard to say exactly what's motivating the last part, though sheer body heat is undoubtedly a factor. Alcohol probably is, too, Tris reflects, as she watches two women all but grope each other while they dance drunkenly. Their coworkers are cheering them on.
"Are the parties always like this?" she asks, strongly suspecting that most of this group will regret their actions tomorrow.
"'Fraid so," Tobias replies. "It's why I typically skip out early."
She nods, about to answer, when a voice interrupts them. "Four." A man claps a hand on Tobias' shoulder, giving him a cold smile that looks more like a leer. He appears to be in his early thirties, almost as tall as Tobias, with long, dark, greasy hair and a pierced lip. "I'm surprised you came." He smirks as his eyes run unabashedly down Tris' form and back up again. "I thought you were still finishing the build for Centria."
Everything about this man creeps her out, and Tris finds herself inching closer to Tobias, who has stiffened warily beside her. "We finished it already," her boyfriend answers coolly.
"Oh." The man sounds utterly uninterested. "Aren't you going to introduce me?"
For a second, it seems like Tobias is about to refuse, but then he forces a semi-polite smile. "Eric, this is my girlfriend, Tris. Tris, this is Eric. He's the assistant manager for the Dauntless division." From his tone, there's no question that he dislikes Eric, and Tris tries not to scowl as she realizes that this man is Amar's boss – and therefore Tobias'.
"Pleased to meet you," Eric says snidely, reaching out as if for a handshake. Reluctantly, Tris takes the proffered hand, only to have him raise her own to his lips to kiss it lightly. She pulls back quickly.
"Feisty one you have there," Eric comments, winking at Tobias. Before her boyfriend can react severely, Eric pulls away, grinning. "Well, places to go, people to see, you know. Enjoy the party, Four."
They both watch him go, Tobias' hand tight around hers. "Sorry," he mutters after a moment. "He's a dickhead, but fortunately I don't have to work directly with him much."
"Yeah." Something about the exchange seems to have drawn the attention of the people nearby, and Tris tries not to bristle at the curious looks they give her. In particular, a tall, curvy Latino woman smirks at her briefly before looking longer at Tobias, eyeing him up and down the same way Eric just did with her. It adds to the vaguely unclean feeling on her skin. "I'm going to the ladies' room. I'll be back."
She's not in there long before the door opens and two other women enter, chatting amiably. Through the gaps around the stall door, Tris can see the woman who just ogled Tobias, along with a somewhat shorter, plumper woman.
"Looks like I'm getting my Christmas present," the taller woman tells her friend. "Did you see the way he looked at me?" She fans her face as if it was the hottest thing she's ever seen. "He didn't even give me looks that steamy our first time around."
Tris hears a thump as the second woman sets her purse down, audibly searching through it for something. "I didn't realize you two had dated before."
"Oh, yeah – back in Boston." The sink begins running, making the next words harder to understand. "It was great and all, but I was new to the company and wanted to explore my options, you know?" She grabs a paper towel. "So, I broke up with him. I've been regretting it ever since."
The second woman chuckles appreciatively. "I can't say I blame you. Four is certainly a looker." She sounds like she's pinching her lips, maybe applying lipstick, but Tris is too caught up in what she just said to pay any attention. They're talking about Tobias? "Too bad he has that girlfriend now."
The first woman laughs. "That little twig? Yeah, like she's enough for him!" Cold runs through Tris' veins at the insult – and at the way part of her instantly agrees with it. The sound of the sink again obscures some words, but she catches, "Definitely out of her league." A moment later, the water stops, and she clearly hears, "Besides, he's only with her because he feels guilty about something. I heard him complaining about it to Amar."
It's a good thing that Tris is sitting, because she feels as if the floor has just opened up beneath her feet. How did it never occur to her before that Tobias might only be with her because he feels guilty for hurting her? She remembers his words after the fiasco at Thanksgiving, when he blamed himself for ruining the day, no matter how much she tried to reassure him that it was her father's fault. He's always had a hyperactive sense of responsibility. Of course he would feel the need to take care of her – to make up for leaving in the first place.
She's not entirely sure what else the women say as they finish touching up their hair and makeup and return to the party. All she can do is sit there, letting bleak thoughts fill her mind. She should have been suspicious when he started claiming he loves her – it was too soon to be real. Too soon to be anything except leftover responsibility from last time. Even if she feels the same way….
God, she's been such an idiot.
Eventually, she rises and slowly makes her way back out, barely holding nausea at bay as she watches the beautiful Latino woman talk to Tobias, laughing flirtatiously at something he says. It's far too easy to picture the two of them together, a happy couple back in Boston before he had to play babysitter to his first girlfriend.
It's impossible to hide how sick all of this makes her feel. Tobias takes one look at her pale face and hesitant, almost wincing movements and immediately suggests that they head home. She doesn't protest, knowing that she can't continue this way. She can't be in a relationship based on pity.
The taxi ride is quiet, as others have been before it. Tobias keeps glancing at her worriedly, obviously trying to figure out exactly what happened, but she's not inclined to discuss it. Really, it's all she can do to keep breathing evenly, struggling to just get through this night. She doesn't want to think about what happens next, or how she'll deal with losing him a second time.
He walks in with her, guiding her to the elevator despite his claustrophobia. Of course, he does. He's ever so selfless when taking care of her….
She seriously considers just sending him home – telling him that she doesn't feel good and postponing the harsh conversation for another day. But she can't get herself to do it. If this is going to end, it's better to do it now, while the words from the restroom are fresh in her mind. It will be unbearably hard as it is.
Apparently, those thoughts are showing, because the two of them are scarcely through the door before Tobias is touching her face gently, looking very concerned. "Are you all right?"
She shakes her head, not at all sure what to say – or how. At least Christina isn't home; this isn't a discussion she wants her roommate to hear.
"Tris." His fingers lift her chin, trying to get her to look at him. "What's going on? Are you sick?"
Instinctively, she pulls back, still unable to meet his gaze. "Sometimes, I wonder what's in this for you." Even with her peripheral vision, she can see how confused he looks. "This…." She gestures around, unable to say the word relationship. "You're obviously way out of my league, and you can't have cared that much about me or you wouldn't have left in the first place." The upset is turning to anger, and she lets it fuel her. It's always easier to be angry. "So, if you're just back with me now because you feel guilty or something, then don't bother." She glares at him determinedly. "I don't need or want that."
His mouth opens and closes twice as he stares at her, wide-eyed. "What the hell, Tris?" he finally manages to utter. "Where is this coming from?"
There are too many emotions in his expression for her to identify, other than absolute shock. It sends a tiny sliver of hope threading through her. Maybe there's a reasonable explanation after all.
"I…overheard a conversation at the party."
"About what?" He looks like he can't even fathom what could have made her think this way.
"About you. And someone you used to date." She tries to keep her voice from shaking. "Apparently, she wants to get back together with you."
Tobias' mouth flattens into an angry line. "That would be Nita," he spits. "She's the only one there I ever dated, but I have zero interest in getting back together with her." His tone is stern. "Just as I've had zero interest in the four or five years since we broke up." Tris lets herself meet his gaze, seeing the patent honesty there. "It wasn't the worst relationship I've ever had, but she's not you."
The last words should help, but they don't. Instead, they just remind Tris of the worst part of what Nita tossed out there. "She also said that she overheard you talking to Amar. About you only being with me because you feel guilty."
Tobias' mouth opens again, hanging loosely as he stares at her, appalled. She can see him thinking frantically, but she doesn't know which he's trying to do – figure out what Nita heard or how to explain it away. He shakes his head, running a flustered hand through his hair. And then it seems to dawn on him, as his eyes widen before he looks away, cursing. "That is a grossly inaccurate summary of that conversation."
The admission sends a numbness through Tris. However imprecise Nita's interpretation may have been, there obviously was a discussion behind it. Tobias said something to Amar about being with her out of guilt. And given how much he holds things in, he must have been feeling it strongly if he was willing to reveal it. To his boss. At work.
Before she knows what she's doing, her feet are taking her to her bedroom. She can't deal with this right now. Or maybe ever.
Tobias grabs her arm, turning her back to him, his expression desperate. "Tris, listen to me. Please. We were talking about one isolated subject, nothing broader." His breathing is harsh. "I am with you because I want to be. And because I love you. No other reason."
"Really?" The word emerges on its own, doubt practically dripping from it. "So, you can honestly say that you don't feel at all responsible for anything that happened after you left? You don't, for instance, blame yourself for Peter?" He swallows uncomfortably at that, and another surge of anger flares through her at the confirmation. She yanks her arm free.
"You don't feel protective over me?" she hisses. "You didn't go to all the trouble of arranging free karate classes because of any of that? It's not an issue at all?" She glares at him as he squirms.
"That's different…."
"How, Tobias? Exactly how is it different from my brother trying to protect me by calling Uriah? How?" Fury seems to be coursing through her now. "I am not a little kid, and I don't want a second overprotective big brother. And I sure as hell don't want you hanging around out of pity or guilt. I would much rather be on my own." She turns away, starting for her room again, feeling utterly done with all of this.
For the second time, Tobias stops her by grabbing her arm. "Tris, no." The sheer panic in his voice startles her. "It's not like that. Not at all. Please believe me."
She can only shake her head, abruptly aware of how important his honesty is to her. She needs to know that he won't lie, even when it's most difficult. But now, he seems to be.
"The thing is," she tells him as unwaveringly as she can, "I don't." He staggers a half-step backwards, looking utterly crushed. "You know what?" Her voice is strained. "Just get out. I'll save you the trouble of worrying about me anymore. We're done."
She's barely able to control her trembling as she turns toward her room for the third time, hoping beyond hope that he'll let her. She can't take much more of his presence, even though she knows it will be infinitely harder to deal with his absence.
This time, his strangled whisper is what stops her. "You should know what you're getting into – what the aftermath of leaving is like." They're both silent for a second, before some instinct forces her to turn back to him, watching as he swallows hard. He's visibly shaking. "For the first year, you'll barely sleep, and you'll spend every day wanting to change your mind. You'll pick up the phone hundreds of times, determined to call and apologize and beg for another chance."
His gaze latches onto hers. "The second year, part of you will go numb, and you'll feel like it's impossible to ever be happy again. You'll know that you're supposed to have moved on, particularly since you were the one who called it off. But you won't be able to."
Tris' breathing is uneven now, too, as she glimpses for the first time what he went through during their decade apart.
"The third year, you'll find out that the love of your life is dating someone you used to consider a friend. And it will eat you alive, because you'll know that it's over, and you'll know that you'll never get another chance, and you'll know that it's all your own fucking fault."
He runs both hands through his hair, hiding his face for a moment. "But that will push you to get up and do something – anything – to ease the pain. So, you'll start a series of bad dates. Ones that will only serve to remind you of what you've lost. You'll never get to a second date that year, but you won't care, because you'll never want to see any of them again."
He stops to breathe, his hands opening and closing in some sort of attempt to calm himself. "The fourth year, you'll resign yourself to reality, and you'll try dating for longer, even though the options aren't any more appealing." His mouth flattens in disgust. "And then you'll sleep with someone. She'll be the wrong size and have the wrong scent, and everything about her will be wrong. And it will make you feel terrible and dirty, and you will understand a million crude words for sex that you never got before, because all you knew until then was how to make love."
His expression reveals more clearly than words ever could how much he hated his first time with someone else. "But you'll accept it anyway, because you'll know that you don't deserve anything better. And then you'll try again – having failed relationships one after another with people who can never compare to the one person you judge them all against. Eventually, you'll begin to wonder if she was really as incredible as you remember or if your memory is just as faulty as the rest of you, because surely no one could have made you feel like that."
He's silent for a moment, scrubbing at his face, and she's distantly aware that her own cheeks are wet. "Eventually, you'll give up. You'll stop dating altogether and will seek therapy to figure out why you're so messed up and unlovable and utterly unable to love another human being. But even then you'll know that wasn't always true. Because. You. Still. Love. Her."
Pain is pressing harder and harder into her chest at the agony in his voice. "Therapy will help, and you'll grow and feel like you're a better person, and you'll be more comfortable in your own skin. But you'll still be alone. After a while, it will seem natural, like you're just not meant to be in a relationship."
His mouth twists into a bitter half-smile. "And then ten years after you made the worst decision of your life, you'll see her again. And through some combination of your own maneuvering and sheer, blind luck, you'll somehow get a second chance. And she'll be even more amazing than she was the first time around, and you'll know that you're hopelessly in love and that you will never find anyone like her again, and you will be so determined to do everything right and to make it work this time."
He gives a harsh laugh. "But when you look deep into her eyes, you won't see that same feeling reflected back at you. Instead, you'll see hurt and wariness and distrust, and it will kill you to know that you caused it. That you did that to her. And that you did that level of damage to the best relationship you'll ever have."
He opens his mouth again, his body rigid with the attempt to control his emotions, but suddenly she's closing the distance between them, barely aware of the tears streaming down her face as she wraps her arms around his waist, pressing herself into his chest and choking back her sobs.
"Stop," she whispers. "Please stop."
She can feel him trembling as his arms tighten around her, pulling her close. "I'm sorry," she gasps, the words hurting as they come out. "I didn't know what it was like for you. I never thought past my own pain…." Her hands twist into his shirt. "I'm sorry, Tobias." For a few seconds, they're both silent, gripping each other to ease the emotions churning through them. Her voice is strangled when she adds, "I just need to know that we're together for the right reasons."
He nods, burying his face into her hair. "We are. I swear we are." He begins rocking them gently back and forth, back and forth. She's not sure which of them he's trying to comfort. "I can't pretend I don't feel guilty. Of course I do. I hurt you, the same fucking way my mother hurt me." It's a staggering comparison. "But that is not why I'm with you." His breath is hot against her ear. "If you never believe anything else I say, you need to believe that." He swallows the thickness in his throat. "I'm here because you're the one I want, Tris. The only one." Somehow, his grip tightens even more. "You're it for me."
The words pull an answering knot of emotion from her – something too large and tangled to process at first. So, she clutches him back, letting the panic slowly subside and their heart rates return to normal, as she weighs the truth in his voice and his hold against what she overheard from Nita. "What did you say to Amar?" she finally asks.
It seems to take him a moment to remember what she's referring to, and then he nods tensely. "We were talking about Christmas." He presses his cheek to her temple, still holding her like he's afraid to let go. "I'm…not good with holidays, and I thought he might have some suggestions."
A new source of upset sinks through Tris' stomach. "You don't want to spend the day with my family, do you?" It's certainly understandable, but she's never missed a Christmas with them.
He doesn't answer immediately, just maintaining his iron grip. And then a long sigh drains out of him. "It's really just your father." His voice is muffled through her hair.
She nods slowly, knowing now exactly what Nita must have overheard. "But you'd feel guilty if you don't go. If I miss it for you, or if I go without you."
The response seems like it's dragged out of him, barely audible. "Yes."
It's her turn to sigh. She remembers the fury she felt toward her father at Thanksgiving, when he tried to stand up for Marcus no matter how much it hurt Tobias. And she knows that if she has to choose between them right now, she'll pick the man she's holding. But she doesn't want it to come to that.
"Did Amar have any ideas?"
"Other than telling me to man up and deal with it?" He gives a wry chuckle, but she doesn't return it, feeling a fresh surge of anger instead – directed toward Amar this time. Tobias shifts a little, freeing his right hand to run through her short hair. "He pointed out that individual holidays sometimes suck, but that I need to think about what I want in the long term. So, he suggested that I figure out how I want to be celebrating ten years from now – and start some traditions that I want to be doing then."
It's a compelling piece of advice, and for a moment she thinks about the possibilities – about traditions that she and Tobias could build together and make their own, and how to fit those into the ones she's always known.
He kisses her temple, pausing for a second before continuing. "Tris, what I want ten years from now is to still be with you." The blunt statement pulls at her heart even more. "And I want to be celebrating with your family. I want them to be our family, because let's face it – they're the only one we have, and our kids should be close to them."
This isn't the first time that Tobias has raised the idea of children, but something about this moment makes it real. She can picture them, a decade from now, laughing as Tobias scoops them up to go to her parents' house, their deep blue eyes gazing at her through their dirty blond hair. And for the first time since Peter, she feels drawn to the image. She wants that future.
With the desire comes a sense of shame. How could she have allowed Nita's misinterpretation to knock her so far off course? How could she have even considered walking away from Tobias? She wraps her arms more tightly around him, trying not to think about how much pain that would have caused both of them. It would have been impossible to live with.
"I love you, Tobias." She doesn't necessarily intend to say the words; they simply slip out, a truth that she's kept to herself for entirely too long. But the moment they're out, she's glad of it. She should have told him weeks ago.
Time seems to pause, the universe frozen as Tobias' breathing stops and they both just stand there, still locked in each other's grasp. "Say it again," he finally responds, his voice rough, uncertain of what he heard.
Pulling back enough to look up at him, she meets his gaze unwaveringly. She reaches up, pressing a finger over his lips the way he's been doing with her for the last few weeks, before repeating, "Tobias, I love you. You're the only man I've ever loved, but I don't just love who you were. I love who you are now. And I know that I always will."
His eyes search hers with an intensity that she doesn't think she's ever experienced with anyone, anywhere, and then a smile slowly begins to form across his mouth. He reaches up, his hand closing gently around hers and pulling it away.
"I love you, too," he whispers throatily.
A/N: Reviews are very, very much appreciated! :-)