One Day at a Time…
Castiel had been hunting with the Winchesters for eight years now. He had grown very close to them, and they had become more his family than his brother and sisters in Heaven had ever been. They had been through many things together; good things, bad things, but no matter what they always got through it together. Even when the angels fell and started a rebellion within themselves. Even when Sam was going through the trials to close the gates of Hell. Even when Dean and Castiel were in Purgatory. Even when Castiel was being controlled by Naomi, Dean had gotten the angel to stop and got him to fight for his own consciousness. They got through everything as a family, even when Dean had the Mark of Cain.
That was unbearable for Castiel. He watched as his hunter was morphed into a dark violent force. Watched as Dean died and rose as a demon. Fought with Sam to find a cure for the Mark. Cas did everything in his power to save his Dean, the angels actions saying the words he hasn't mustered up the courage to say out loud.
Those three words almost escaped his lips the night Dean came through the bunker angry with murder in his eyes. The hunter began to pound on Castiel, blood pouring from his nose.
The angel thought back to night in Lucifer's crypt, when Dean asked him to stop. Dean said to Castiel "I need you." That was the night Dean Winchester got close to realizing his feelings for the angel. Castiel could feel what he was trying to say, he could feel his soul reaching out towards him once again. That is what broke Naomi's spell, but it was never discussed again.
Maybe I can reach Dean the same way. "Dean I don't want to hurt you" and he didn't. He never wanted to hurt his hunter, but the older Winchester attacked, the Mark taking control. "Dean. Stop." The angel pleaded, but Dean kept hitting, pounding, finally throwing him the floor. So, Castiel looked into his attacker's eyes and looked past the Mark's hold on him. "Dean. Please." I love you.
Thinking back on that night Castiel nodded to himself. We even got through that. Together. As a family.
Sam Winchester was the brother Castiel never knew he needed. The younger Winchester would always look out for him just like he would Dean. Sam would make sure Castiel was okay every time the angel appeared. Dean would too, of course, but Dean. Well Dean was still the most beautiful word Castiel had ever heard.
"Heya Cas" Dean's pet name for the angel, startling Cas from his thoughts.
"Dean" every time Cas said his name it tasted that much sweeter, but even after eight years, the angel did not know if Dean felt the same way about his name. In fact, the angel still wasn't sure if Dean's soul recognized him from when they were in Heaven, but that was not important right now; the fading bond could be dealt with later.
"Why are you staring at me like that?" Dean asked with furrowed eyebrows. The angel cocked his head to the side as if to ask 'like what'? "Never mind. Um, Sam will be back shortly with the supplies, and hopefully some pie. I swear he always forgets the pie." The angel let Dean ramble because he enjoyed the sound of the hunter voice. "The vamps have killed more people in this town than I have ever seen a nest kill. They must be building an army like those Ghoulpire things were-"
"Nachzeher"
"Right. Anyways, I think they're building an army, with everything going on, I would want to. The Darkness is only getting stronger and were still no closer to figuring out how to stop it." Dean pushed his laptop aside and walked over to get a glass of whiskey. The angel could tell he was troubled.
"Dean. This isn't your fault." Cas walked over next to the older Winchester. He picked up the bottle and poured Dean his whiskey. "You didn't know what Sam and I were doing, and we didn't know it would release the Darkness. You didn't know it would become Amara. It wasn't your fault."
"Oh the hell it is Cas!" Dean emptied his glass and began to pour another, ripping the bottle from the angel's hands. Cas looked at his feet not wanting the hunter to see how hurt he was. "I'm sorry" The angel began to walk away. "Cas! Cas I'm sorry. It's just been stressful, Sam and I are both having visions. He thinks his are from God, and I am in some way-" The hunter looked away suddenly red coating his cheeks.
"You are what, Dean?" The angel asked cocking his head to the side once more. The hunter realized he hadn't even told Sammy his secret, so he sure as hell telling the angel. He ran his hand over his face and looked up at the angel who was right in front of him, faces only a few inches apart, blue eyes meeting green. Dean felt a lump in his throat and swallowed it down.
"Nothing…" he muttered. "Just really stressed. Uh, I'm going to go make a supply run. I'll be back later."
"Dean. Sam's already out getting supplies. In fact, I believe he's just pulling in now." Dean scratched the back of his head and walked towards to bunker's garage.
Sam came in a few moments later with a few six packs and some bags of food. Castiel noticed that two beers were missing, not mysteriously though. He knew that Dean had probably taken them and retreated to his room. However, the angel realized he was wrong when he heard the roar of the Impala, signaling it had come to life.
Cas shifted uneasily between his right foot and left foot a few times before sitting down at the table where Sam was beginning to put the groceries away.
"Cas? What happened when I was gone?" the younger Winchester asked.
"Your brother. Dean. He is having trouble setting aside that releasing the Darkness was not his fault." Sam sucked in a breath and nodded. "I tried to explain to him that it was our wrong doing, but he, well he is hiding something. Dean is being particularly difficult about it as well, but I did not push it. However, he still felt the need to be away from my presence."
Sam watched as the angel slowly started at his hands, the corners of his mouth dropping slightly. He sat down across from the angel and said "Cas, Dean would never want to be away from you. He goes on drives when he wants to be away from himself. He'll take a few beers and just drive blasting Metallica, or some other 80's mullet rock band. He'll be gone in a few hours and I'm sure everything will be back to normal." Castiel looked up into the younger Winchester's eyes and could tell he wasn't lying.
"Thank you Sam." Sam nodded and gave and worried, apologetic smile and continued to put away the groceries. Once he was done he retreated to the library to engage in more research about the vampire nest they were hunting.
Dean came home 5 hours later, drunk, hair messy, and complete with a few lipstick stains around his neck. The angel had not moved from the kitchen table once. He watched as Dean came in, wobbling slightly, and grabbed another beer. The hunter turned around, winked at Cas, and proceeded to stumble to his room.
This pattern continued over the next few months. Cases came and went, not all of which Castiel was a part of: a Lizzie Borden copycat, which turned out to be Amara sucking souls from humans, a mass murder of Imaginary Friends, which freaked Dean out because he found out Sam had an Imaginary Friend and that they were actually Xana, not imaginary friends, a killer ghost who possessed people in his old costumes.
One case came up that was very straight forward. Jody Mills had called the Winchesters complaining about a shapeshifter that she couldn't take care of because she was dealing with some family issues.
"Yeah of course Jody. We'll be there soon." Sam smiled when he spoke.
"Thanks boys. Hopefully next time I'll be in town so we can catch up" Jody said over the speaker phone. Dean chuckled. Cas smiled at Dean's amusement. It's been a while since he's seen the hunter smile. He watched the corners of his mouth turn up to bare his teeth. He saw his green eyes sparkle for the first time in months. His hunter was happy, but not as long as the angel had hoped. The smile was gone in a few seconds, but it was still there long enough for Castiel to memorize it for the hundredth time.
The boys started to hustle about the bunker gathering all the silver bullets they had and packing some clothes in a duffle bag for the motel. Castiel stood in the kitchen watching as Dean filled his cooler with beers.
"Dean." The hunter flinched at the sound of his name. The angel was only about six inches from the hunter. Green eyes met blue and the angel opened his mouth to ask "When do we leave?" Dean looked away from the angel.
"Cas would you please get out of my ass?" It sounded as more of a demand than a question, so Cas stepped back a few steps then cocked his head to the side waiting for an answer.
"Don't look at me like that Cas." Dean continued to walk around the kitchen. He rubbed the back of neck more then he looked up at his friend. "Look man…" Dean began to say. He rubbed his eyes and continued "It's an easy hunt, why don't you just stay here. Watch some Netflix. Read a book." Dean didn't look at the angel. He just picked up the cooler and started to walk towards the garage. Castiel followed as far as his hunter's bedroom. The Impala roared to life and Cas sunk down onto the floor, leaning against the bedroom door, arms wrapping around his knees.
They don't need me anymore. Dean doesn't want me. My hunter, my soul, my beautiful Righteous Man. He doesn't need me anymore.
The angel couldn't bear the thought of being useless to the Winchesters, so he left the bunker and took his Lincoln for a ride.
Castiel woke up to sound of his cellphone ringing. The caller ID read Dean. He felt groggy and had a headache, but he reluctantly answered.
"Hello Dean."
"Cas man! Where are you? Sam and I got back an hour ago and we've been calling you." Dean was very loud in the angel's ear and Cas had to pull the phone away. He looked around at the dingy motel he had been in for the last few days.
"I believe I'm somewhere out the outskirts of Lebanon."
"What the hell man?!" Cas pulled the phone away from his ear again. "Whatever just get here fast. Sammy's hurt real bad." There was a click signaling Dean had hung up the phone. The angel got out of bed feeling a bit woozy from the liquor store he emptied, but nonetheless he drove back to the bunker.
Once there, he healed Sam from his injuries, a gunshot wound to his left shoulder, a broken nose, a sprained wrist, and a broken ankle. Sam thanked the angel before falling asleep on the couch.
"Dean now it's your turn" except the hunter shook his head.
"Nah man. I'll be fine. Help me carry this moose to his bedroom." Cas reluctantly obliged and then watched Dean retreat to his room with his injuries still lingering.
"Goodnight Dean" the angel called out into the empty hallway.
Maybe that's all I'm good for, research and healing. Castiel walked to his room, collapsed on the bed, sleeping off the hangover.
Castiel had come back with news he thought was good, but while Sam was being sympathetic, Dean was questioning the success of his mission. The angel had found Metatron, who was now a pitiable human, and had discovered news about the Darkness.
"He is no threat to us" Cas stated, hoping Dean would ease his anger.
He could tell something was bothering Dean, just like he always could, but Dean did not seem to want to share, again, as usual.
The angel was sick of doing things for the Winchesters and getting no credit whatsoever, only questions about the things he did wrong, the things he screwed up on. The younger Winchester could tell there was tension between the two and subtly brought up the bigger more prominent issue at hand.
"Amara is in the wind" Sam said.
"Yeah God's friggin' sister" Dean said leaning against a table in the bunker.
Castiel could tell there was more Dean wanted to say so he prodded lightly. "You said you were close. Dean? How did she get away?"
"I'm sorry what part about God's friggin' sister did you not understand" Dean said defensively. "She overpowered me end of story."
The angel and Sam looked at one another then to Dean with a known understanding that the older Winchester was hiding something. Eager to change the subject and the pondering eyes Dean half yelled "What's our plan here?" Dean continued to throw verbal punches asking Cas about Metatron and Sam about his visions from "God". They both looked hurt but Dean didn't seem to care at the moment.
Sam nodded and said softly "I'll look into the lore."
Days went by and Team Free Will found nothing to fight Amara. There was nothing in the lore about God's sister because no one knew she existed, and the only piece of information Metatron gave Castiel was just as useless.
The angel wanted to throw the stack of books around the room. Dean was being insufferable and pig headed. The hunter would not take any suggestions and refused to put anyone in danger but himself. Cas could feel the anger boiling inside of him, Dean would not even look at him. He felt as though the hunter was ignoring everything he said.
Useless. Irreplaceable. The words playing on a loop in the angel's mind.
"God and the archangels fought her and trapped her inside the Mark of Cain." Sam stated for the third time.
"Yes, but without any archangels, or God for that matter, we have to find another way." Dean retorted as he put his face in his hands.
"Well, there might be."
Castiel knew what Sam was referring too, but he did not like the idea, nor did Dean.
"We don't know for sure that God has been the one giving you those messages." Cas stated.
"I'm aware, but he's also the only archangel we've got. If we could just talk to him, maybe get some information-"
"Sam, there's no way in hell I'm letting you go back in that cage." Dean was getting angry again.
"He may not have to" the angel suggested.
The three of them did some more research, this time asking Crowley, the King of Hell, for help. Crowley's mother, Rowena, found a spell in the Book of the Damned that could expel Lucifer from his cage into another surrounded by Holy Fire so the archangel could not escape, but the youngest Winchester could get close enough to speak with him.
Unfortunately, this did not go as planned. Sam found out that Lucifer had sent the visions to him. Sam denied to be Lucifer's vessel once again and the archangel became angry. Lucifer began to maim the young Winchester, but Dean and Cas quickly stepped in as backup.
All I'm good for is fighting and healing. Maybe some research here and there. I need to do something. Something worthy for the cause.
With all his thoughts, Cas was struck down by Lucifer. He looked over the archangel's shoulder, seeing the Winchesters hurt and bleeding, but they were breathing and that was all he could ask for.
"Little Cassie. Saving the Winchesters again. For what? To be set aside until the need you to heal their wounds again. You can't even fly. You're broken Castiel. You cannot save them anymore than you can save yourself."
Castiel grinded his teeth as Lucifer dug his fingers into the angel's flesh, but Lucifer was right. Castiel had not saved them, he had only made the Winchesters lives worse, more problematic.
But if Lucifer can get rid of Amara, then they will not have to worry. Maybe this is useful, worthy even. If Lucifer can save them, then I have done something useful.
Lucifer raised his fist for another strike at Castiel's face.
"Can you really beat her?" Cas asked his older brother.
"I can" Lucifer said with a cocky grin plastered on his face.
"Then yes" There was a bright white light, and a shivering feeling going down the angel's spine. Then everything turned black.