Chapter 8

Piece by Piece

Somehow Finn's hand had appeared back in his own. Inexplicably Finn kept pressing his fingers during the whole flight. Poe couldn't even tell how he knew that it was Finn sitting by his side. He just knew. And that was enough.

As soon as the medic had seen him lying in the abandoned AT-AT Walker, he had given him a strong sedative, almost instantly plunging him back into semi darkness. But this one constant remained. Finn by his side. Or was it? Had he just imagined him being there? If so, it had been a really strong hallucination.

Flexing the fingers of the hand which had been injured by San Tekka's knife, Poe heaved a heavy sigh. The bandage was covering his entire palm. The white sheets under which he was lying provided much needed warmth. None of the rooms here on Starkiller was properly heated, not even the infirmary. At least, he thought, he wasn't burning up anymore. The fever had been quick to go, once the medics had attended to him. Bacta tank, medication… everything he had needed and already he felt as fit as he had been the day he had left for the mission which had been bound to fail.

He looked up as a pale medic with short white hair approached him. "How are you feeling Colonel?"

Poe snorted. He still couldn't believe people were calling him that, even though he had lost most of his team back on Jakku. But of course that mission had nothing to do with what he had been promoted for. "I'm fine," he said, wondering when he'd see Finn again. That hand, or that imagined memory of that hand had kept him going on that long ride back to the First Order. He knew it. And he also knew what he owed the Stormtrooper. He had no idea what had happened to him and that thought was making him more anxious than he had been in a while. "When can I get back to work?"

The medic shook her head. "Not before tomorrow, Colonel, but we're letting you go to get accostumed to your new quarters." She pulled up her datapad. "You have an appointment with General Hux tonight."

Poe closed his eyes for a moment. "Thank you," he said with a nod. "How long have I been here? No one has told me anything…"

"Two days, no more." She smiled weakly, then stepped even closer. "As you know, we've had to apply bacta strips to the wounds. I'd like to take them off now and check the healing progress."

"Fine…"

"There might be some scarring though. We got to you fairly late. Probably too late to prevent that from happening."

Poe shrugged. He couldn't care less about his appearance. "I'll live."

"Yes, you will, Colonel." She didn't smile now, her entire demeanour changing back to sheer professionalism and with a wave of her hand, ordered him to sit up. The curtains were always closed around his bed, so no one had seen him here and he hadn't seen anyone but medics in his entire time here.

Sitting up wasn't as hard as it had been on Jakku, but he still felt it. Not the burning sensation he had felt back there, but something else. Something that told him that not everything was alright. Not yet anyhow. "Have you heard anything of that Stormtrooper who was with me?", he asked, as the medic opened the back of the hospital gown.

"FN-Two-One-Eight-Seven? He was here a couple of hours ago, asking to see you."

In her voice Poe could hear the frown on her face, but the words themselves made his heart beat faster. Finn had asked for him… so it hadn't been his imagination playing wild. Or maybe it had been. Finn was a caring person. Of course he had wanted to check up on Poe. And of course they hadn't let him in.

Poe closed his eyes when he felt the bacta strip being peeled away from his back to mask his disappointment in not being allowed to see Finn. There were certain things he needed to tell him sober, not feverish or drugged. Things Finn needed to know. That he was truly grateful. That he felt obligated to help Finn in any way he could, if Finn needed him to do so. That Finn was wasted as a Stormtrooper. That he was so much more.

"There is definitely some scar tissue there, but at least it's healed mostly. You can do without another bacta strip. Let me check your hand now." She closed the gown again and Poe turned around, showing her his hand, as he leaned back against the pillows. The ripping sensation, as she pulled off the bacta strip beneath the bandage barely registered, and he could see that the wound had closed. The thin scar, however was clearly visible. A long line stretching from the place between index finger and thumb right across the whole palm.

"Yes, that's fine." She nodded, then turned her attention to his face. "Probably another scar underneath, but there you go."

Poe couldn't help but smile. "Am I going to look rogueish?" His eyes twitched shut for a brief moment, when she ripped off this last bandage as well and then he remembered where he was and who he was talking to.

"Battle worn, no more, Colonel." Her voice was strict now. Almost severe and Poe closed his eyes for another moment.

"Sorry," he murmured. The joke had been out of place and he knew it. Had he felt too comfortable away from the Order? He had only woken up a couple of hours ago. Shaking the drowsiness from the drugs had taken him quite a while… no, his mind hadn't acclimated to being back with the Order yet.

"That's alright, you're still a patient. At least until I sign your release form." She whipped out a datapad from the inside of the white coat she was wearing over her light grey uniform and started typing something. "Which is now." She handed him the datapad. "I'm going to need your thumb print for confirmation, Colonel."

Poe nodded, his face set into a serious grimace as he put his thumb on the spot indicated by a red rectanglular shape on the datapad. "There you go. Thank you."

She nodded in turn, then pointed to the simple white cabinet to the left of his cot. "Your new uniform is in there, Colonel." And with that, she was gone, pulling the curtains closed behind her.

Getting to his feet was easier than Poe would have thought. Especially when he remembered how weak he had been back on Jakku. Back, when Finn's help had been the only thing that could support him in sitting up or lying down. He couldn't believe that it had already been two days since then, but at the same time it was as if he had never left the Order. As if that miserable mission had been nothing but an interlude. A nightmare he had better forget. But was that even something he wanted to do? Forget? On some level certainly, but there was something else… something that had nothing to do with the mission itself, that he felt was worth remembering… the fact that he hadn't been abandoned.

The new uniform was still stiff on his frame, but it fit him just as well as the old one had. All sets of uniform he had possessed had been brought to his new quarters here on Starkiller Base, but this one was new. He couldn't wear the old ones anymore of course anyway and Poe was sure that he'd find more new tunics once he finally got around to entering his new temporary home.

It had been a long time since he had been stationed on a planetary base and as Poe walked along the corridors, which looked so much like the ones on each and every First Order starship or base, he couldn't help but stop every now and then to look out the windows he passed overlooking a sheer endless sea of snow covered trees that stretched as far as the eye could see. It looked calm. Peaceful even.

A treacherous assumption. This whole base was the result of decades of hard work, transforming a living, breathing planet into a machine of war. Poe still didn't know how he felt about the whole concept of it. The Death Star had been one thing; this base was in a league of its own. A weapon capable of destroying a planet was an intimidating thought, but a device so powerful it could destroy whole system? Poe remembered all too well the history classes he had attended back at the Academy and what he had learned there… the Death Star had been supposed to be used for intimidation only, but the Rebels had forced the Empire's hand. Destroying Alderaan had been the result of the planet's royal family threatening to assassinate the Emperor and the military leadership had been forced to act quickly. Destroying the planet had been the only option left to them according to Poe's teacher. He had believed it back then, and he was also aware that Starkiller base had fewer weak points than the old super weapon, but still… Standing here in one of the gleaming corridors, looking out of the window, staring down at living, breathing woods covered in an innocent looking layer of snow, made him shiver for some reason. The words of San Tekka flashed through his mind.

You better remember what your parents fought for and figure out if you really want this map in their enemy's hands.

Well… the map was lost, that was for sure. San Tekka must know and he must be more than happy about it. Probably even gloating.

What Hux would say, Poe could very well imagine.

His parents were a different thing entirely. Just thinking about them for a single moment made a burning ache spread through his chest. It pushed into his lungs, robbing him of the ability to breathe for a moment. He quickly closed his eyes, breathing in the clean, filtered air, trying to calm himself. He needed to be focused when he had to face Hux. Explain to him what had happened and why.

Taking another calming breath, Poe opened his eyes again. Now was not the time to grieve about the loss of the map. He had to work with what he had which, admittedly, wasn't a whole lot. He had failed. Had been bound to fail, and Hux had to be made aware of that without Poe making him look like a fool. That was essential.

His mind was racing as he approached the General's office. A Stormtrooper was standing guard in front of it. Poe nodded at him briefly, then checked his chrono. Just on time. Very well then. He sounded the door, and it slid open just a moment afterwards. A moment, during which Poe's heart rate picked up. But then again… Hux must know that the mission had failed and Poe was still here. He was still alive, had even been promoted. Nothing to be worried about. Not really.

"Come on in." General Hux was sitting behind his desk, his eyes focused on a holo of data projected in front of him. His brow was furrowed, as he scanned the words and numbers and Poe took a step inside.

Hux looked up briefly and nodded. "You may take the helmet off."

Poe's head whirled around as the door slid shut. In the same moment, he saw the Stormtrooper who had entered the office right behind him without Poe noticing. It took him the fraction of a second to realize who had accompanied him and then wasn't at all surprised to see Finn's face, when the soldier lifted the helmet off his head, but he couldn't help but notice the sudden jolt of his heart, when their eyes met. A jolt, which could only mean trouble.

"Sit."

Poe turned to look back at Hux and only tentatively did he sit down on one of the chairs in front of Hux' desk. This room didn't look all that different from the office Hux had occupied back on the Finalizer, even if it was bigger and slightly more luxurious, but Poe couldn't pay attention to the interior design. He couldn't help looking at Finn every now and again, wondering how the other had been and how on earth he was supposed to deal with both the sudden panic at seeing Finn here and the nervousness about having to talk to Hux right now at this very moment.

Shutting down the hologram, Hux turned his attention to them, his mouth set in a firm line. "You are fully recovered, Colonel?" He must already know the answer, but Poe nodded anyway.

"Yes, Sir."

Hux nodded and folded his hands on the table top. "You two are the only survivors from a mission that was of very great importance to Supreme Leader Snoke. Three Stormtroopers are dead. No map has been found with either of you upon your arrival here. What happened? Where is the map?" He stayed behind his desk, hands folded on the table top, knuckles white.

Poe swallowed hard and only just managed to keep his eyes on Hux, not on Finn. "It was destroyed, Sir." Poe said, forcing his voice to be calm. He managed it. Barely. "The villagers didn't exactly welcome us with open arms. Fi- FN-Two-One-Eight-Seven-" Using the signature to talk about Finn felt alien on his tongue. Like it didn't want to get out. "and FN-Two-Zero-Zero-Nine were with me and San Tekka, when we heard the enemy approaching." He gave in. Turned to look at Finn. "I sent FN-Two-Zero-Zero-Nine ahead to get the data storage device with the map on board. The other two Stormtroopers were still aboard the shuttle, when it was hit by the X-Wings' fire."

Hux closed his eyes for a moment, as if compose himself. After a brief moment, he got up, clasped his hands behind his back to stare down at the two of them with a look in his eyes that showed all too clearly that it took him a lot of effort to keep his composure. "You sent a Stormtrooper to take the device to safety? While you remained behind with San Tekka? What did you discuss with the man, Dameron?"

Poe returned Hux' gaze without blinking, completely taken aback. "Nothing, General," he said, his voice still calmer than he would have thought possible, even if his hands had started shaking slightly. "I just thought the device would be safer with FN-Two-Zero-Zero-Nine than with me. The villagers outnumbered us, we had no chance of standing up to them, so I thought it best-"

"You're saying you had no chance against a couple of civilian pilgrims?" Hux shot at him, his eyes narrowed.

"They weren't exactly unarmed, Sir." Finn had spoken up out of turn and Hux' eyes flashed viciously as he turned his attention to him. But Finn didn't appear to be too impressed.

"The only thing keeping them from firing at us was San Tekka's willingness to speak to Colonel Dameron. At least until a certain point…"

Hux snorted, not bothering to comment on Finn's inappropriate behaviour of talking without having been asked a question. Finn obviously took that as an invitation to keep speaking.

"As you know, the Colonel was wounded in action."

Hux turned to look back at Poe, something like reluctance to accept Finn's story showing all to clearly in his features. "You are sure the map was destroyed? That San Tekka didn't have a copy stashed away somewhere?"

Poe pressed his lips together tightly. "I can't be sure of that, Sir. No," he answered. "But I know where Sli- FN-Two-Zero-Zero-Nine was, when the shuttle was blown to bits. He was on the ramp, the ship on the ground, the shields still inactive. There is… there is nothing left of him or the device." He let out a deep breath and looked back at Finn for a minute. How this rendition of events must feel to him, Poe didn't know, but he couldn't help but wonder at what was going on in the soldier's mind. "I don't think San Tekka had a backup, however," he said, turning back to Hux. "His hut was searched and there were no traces of any devices but the one that got blown sky high by the Resistance."

Holding Poe's gaze for another moment, Hux sat back down again. He had gone stark white. "And FN-Two-One-Eight-Seven here got you away from the village, when the villagers turned on you?" His voice was brisk. As if he was trying to get the rest of their talk over with as quickly as possible.

"Yes, Sir. Got me out of there and to safety, until the Order managed to retrieve us."

Hux nodded. "FN-Two-One-Eight-Seven gave the coordinates of the village to the shuttle, which came to pick you up. It was abandoned, when we got there. No one and nothing left but those pitiful huts."

Poe's stomach twisted painfully, a knot of anxiousness making him almost wince. "The Resistance must have taken them away," he said quietly. "When I went to Niima Outpost to gather intel, I heard one of their pilots talking to one of the scavengers. That's where they got the coordinates of the village as well."

A brief nod. Then, Hux turned on the holo again. "Do you have a name?"

Poe shook his head. "Not exactly, Sir." He omitted to mention the brief talk he had had with her. Hux didn't need to know. "Rey. A pilot. Early twenties."

He could see Hux typing with a frown on his face and dared sneaking a look at Finn. This still didn't feel right. Seeing Finn so close to him in a new set of armour. A thin layer of sweat was clearly visible on Finn's temple. Poe knew exactly how he must feel. Hux wasn't someone anyone wanted to cross.

A snort from Hux made him look up. "I knew the name sounded familiar…" Hux muttered. "She may very well be one of the best pilots in the Resistance. Rey Skywalker. Joined up several years ago and has been sent on a few missions by the Resistance. We have encountered her before…" His upper lip twitched in a sneer.

"Skywalker, Sir?" Poe couldn't help but ask. The name wasn't very common after all. Skywalker… Rey Skywalker?

Hux nodded briefly. "Well I think we can call ourselves lucky the girl didn't get her hands on that map." But he didn't sound like this was a silver lining at all. On the contrary. The strain in his voice was clearly palpable and Poe could practically hear his teeth grinding against each other. Hux' jaw was firmly set. "Is there anything else you need to tell me?" His eyes wandered from Poe to Finn, fixating on the Stormtrooper without blinking.

"I would like to point out that FN-Two-One-Eight-Seven was only following orders," said Poe and immediately Hux turned to look at him again, one eyebrow raised.

"That's what I presumed. I needed him here for a full report. The two of you, Kylo Ren and I are the only ones on this base who know about the mission and the way things went down I would prefer it to remain this way."

Poe nodded briefly. "Yes, Sir."

"I will not be expecting a full report on what happened. I do not want any documentation left of this incident. The story we're sticking to is that your shuttle malfunctioned and crashed on Jakku. Nothing else. I will think about a promotion for FN-Two-One-Eight-Seven for what he did in the meantime."

Poe's eyes flickered to Finn, who didn't show any sign of emotion this piece of news had upon him. He didn't even nod and Hux clearly didn't expect anything from him.

"You may go."

Stepping out of Hux' office was a relief Poe. Like a weight he hadn't expected had been lifted off his shoulders. He turned to look at Finn, wishing his face wasn't hidden from him behind that mask again. "Can we talk?" he asked quietly and Finn's head snapped around.

"Sir?"

Poe flinched internally. Hearing Finn call him that after what had happened on Jakku felt wrong, but of course that was how things had to be now that they were back with the Order. At least when there was someone around who might pick up what they were saying. "I would like to talk to you, if that's alright. Please," Poe said quietly, gesturing to Finn to start moving. Away from the office and the command centre nearby.

"Yes, Sir."

Poe's throat was parched. Yes, it was the way a Stormtrooper had to address a senior officer, but that didn't mean he liked Finn calling him that. That was what Finn must have felt, when Poe had called him by his signature. His insides churned, as he thought of Finn being nothing but a serial number to Hux. A serial number that stood out, certainly, but a serial number nonetheless.

They walked in silence, Finn at his side. Poe was sure that he had duties to attend to, but for now he didn't care. If there was anything going for this situation, it was that as a senior officer, he had every right to ask a Stormtrooper to accompany him if needed. It must look to every onlooker as if Finn was merely following orders, nothing more.

Poe didn't know his way around the base yet exactly, having only studied the schematics, but he found what he was looking for quickly enough. Dodging into the corridor into another, narrower one, Poe typed his access code into the panel by the wall. The door slid open to reveal an office, infinitely smaller that Hux' had been and even more devoid of any show of grandeur. There was nothing but a small window and a fairly big desk adorning the room. His office. It had been assigned to him along with his new position.

Not paying any more attention to his surroundings, Poe turned to look at Finn, who had already removed his helmet and put it on a small table by the door. Their eyes met almost instantly and there it was. That tug at something deep inside of him, making him want to move forward and hug Finn. He hadn't felt like this in years and, ears going red, he immediately realised how dangerous this might become.

"Are you alright?"

The question came before Poe had even opened his mouth to ask it himself. "I'm fine. Thanks to you."

Finn's mouth twitched up into a smile. "That's good. I tried to see you in the infirmary. But they wouldn't let me. No big surprise there."

Poe shook his head. This was difficult on so many levels. He wanted to be close to Finn, wanted to be his friend. That was all, he told himself. But even friendship was out of the question. There was no balance between their positions within the Order. Not even a bit and that was the least of the problems that might occur. "How are you?" he asked tentatively, forcing himself, to take half a step back. He didn't want Finn to feel like he had to obey Poe's orders. They were way past that. Finn had saved his life and if anything, Poe owed him.

Finn nodded, his face going sombre. "I… I'm fine. Was a little worried about the meeting with the General to be honest, but now… as long as you're okay…"

"I am," Poe said again, managing a weak smile. This was hard. Harder than anything he'd had to do these last couple of years. "I owe you. You know I do and I-" he broke off. There was nothing he could promise this man. He hadn't had any say in the mission that had brought them to this place in time and there was no way he could do anything for Finn in the long run. No chance of that happening and all of a sudden there was a knot in his chest, throbbing so hard, so painfully, that it took him a moment to compose himself.

Finn laughed. Of all the things to happen, he laughed. Not loudly, not happily but still "You don't owe me anything. I disobeyed orders, didn't I and-"

"This is not about orders!" Poe interrupted him. "Your're better than this and you know it! Don't go around making yourself smaller than you are."

Closing his lips, Finn shook his head. There was still the trace of a smile on his face, transforming his mouth and his eyes into something that made Poe's heart beat faster. And he knew what it was that was making this happen. He knew it well enough, but he couldn't stop it. He couldn't help but think that what had brought them here was something bigger.

Bigger than the Order.

From one moment to the other, he felt like the ground beneath his feet had started trembling. Like his feet were slipping away from under him.

"Thank you for saying that." Finn said quietly. His eyes were huge, dark irises and even darker pupils.

Poe shook his head, reaching out to the other without really meaning to. "No need," he whispered in nothing more than a whisper. "Finn, I-"

Later he couldn't have said who had leaned it in first, whose lips had been the more daring, who had been braver than the other. All he knew was that Finn's lips on his made a soft tingling sensation spread through his body. Something he hadn't felt in such a long time or had ever thought he'd feel again. A tingling sensation, which quickly turned into something more. Something making his entire body ache for more. His eyes fell shut and he gratefully lost himself in a kiss that seemed to tear his life apart. Breathing heavily against Finn's lips, Poe reached up to wrap his arms around Finn's neck. Those hands were on his hips, trailing up his back, made him shiver, forcing his mind to shut down. He was paralyzed. Paralyzed and at the same time his entire being resonated with an urgency to respond. To respond in kind. Something deep inside him was stirring at the touch of their lips; at Finn kissing him with a need Poe hadn't expected. As the kiss became more and more demanding, Finn's breath hot against his own skin, Poe felt a choking sound creep up his throat. His chest was aching, as he brushed his hand over Finn's hair, feeling the curls beneath his fingertips. Finn moved in closer, his every touch undermining Poe's ability to think.

Pulling Finn even closer, feeling Finns arms tighten around his waist and being pressed against the cold duroplast that was Finn's armour nearly made him lose his mind. His heart was beating violently in his throat, when Finn pulled away, gasping for air.

Poe's eyelids fluttered open, and the first thing he saw was Finn. So close to him, their noses almost touching, their breath joining right between their lips.

"Poe…" Finn rasped, his voice no more than a whisper, but it was enough. Enough to make a familiar and mind numbing warmth spread through Poe's chest. Enough to make him pull away.

"What?" Finn still had his hands on Poe's back, holding him firmly in his arms, but all Poe could do was drop his hands on Finn's shoulders and shake his head.

"We can't." Two syllables were all it took for Finn to let go of him as if he had been burned.

Finn's jaw was set, his eyes showed the anger and hurt he must be feeling at that proclamation. "We can't? Or is it just that you can't?"

The words stung. More painfully than Poe would have thought possible, especially, since every fibre in his body was asking for the entire opposite of what he must do. Even though he couldn't help himself but look back down to those wonderful lips. He quickly closed his eyes and took a step back. "I can't," he said, pushing back the fear that was actually making him tremble. The fear of getting lost again. Of relying on someone else… "Finn, this can't happen. The Order-"

"You do realize that the Order would have left me there on Jakku, don't you?"

The question made Poe's eyes fly open again. The rage on Finn's face was palpable, but he saw something else there as well. Something Poe didn't even dare think about. Something he had seen before.

The desire to disobey.

It made his stomach tighten.

"And they would have left you there as well, hadn't there been the chance of you having that map."

Poe pressed his lips together, denying himself the opportunity to respond. He shrugged, feeling deep inside him that Finn was right. Poe knew how the Order operated. How it needed to operate, in order to function. They had failed in completing the mission and had therefore been expendable. The map hadn't. But once they had been found by the Order, a waste of resources was out of the question as well. He nodded slightly. "Still…" Poe answered, slowly forcing himself to meet Finn's gaze again. "You have no idea what you made me feel just now, but… but I don't want you to feel obligated to be here… to feel like you have be with me in any way because of where we stand."

"I don't-"

Poe held up a hand, cutting him off. "Maybe you don't. Not right now anyway, but one day you might and I don't want that to happen." It was true. But it wasn't the whole truth. Shaking his head, he took another step back. "I'm sorry. I wish things were different." And he did. He wished with every fibre of his being that he and Finn could get to know each other more closely. That Finn could stay with him, at least for a while. For a moment, just a minute, he had thought that he could.

Finn held his gazes for a few heartbeats, making Poe's knees feel like jelly. Then, before Poe had a chance to give in again, to change his mind and beg Finn to stay with him against all reason, Finn reached for the helmet again. "Fine…" he said.