Chapter 9

Complications

The signatures flashing across the screen didn't mean anything to him. Just the way it was supposed to be, when sending soldiers into battle and Poe was more than grateful for it. Still he couldn't help but keep a lookout for that one signature which would make his stomach feel like a brick and his chest tear open.

But he wasn't there. Not on any of the screens he was observing anyway. He knew that Finn was still on the base. Next to no troops had been sent away these last couple of weeks and Poe had kept tabs on the Stormtroopers leaving. There could be no doubt that allowing his thoughts to circle back to Finn and what he had done to him was a bad idea, but he couldn't help it either. They hadn't talked since the day he had been released from the infirmary.

He may have passed him in one of the corridors of course, but Poe wouldn't have recognized him if he had. How should he? And after a couple of days he had stopped looking. Maybe it was for the best. To keep him out of his head and not think about him. He had been the one to stop it before anything irrevocable could happen after all and he was well aware that it had been the only way open to him. Being involved with a Stormtrooper might very well be an option to some officers, he had heard talk about it anyway, but Poe had to admit that that sort of thing wasn't for him, especially since the Stormtroopers had no way of saying no. That was out of the question for Poe. He didn't want that.

But did he want more? Possibly. Possibly the tug at his heart every time he thought about Finn even for a brief moment had something to do with the feeling of gratitude and of owing Finn more than anything else, but still. It was impossible. Finn was out of his reach and always had been. It was no use thinking about it.

Focusing back on the readout, he shrugged off the memory of that moment back in his office. Not only did their positions make it impossible for them to be together, but there was also something else entirely. Something Poe couldn't wish away. Opening up to someone else like that might only be an invitation to fate to strike again. To tear him apart. He couldn't allow that to happen. Finn was out of the question, because trusting someone like this again was impossible. If ten years couldn't keep one from betraying the other, then what could?

"How long do they have left to reach their assigned battle stations?" Hux' voice behind him, made Poe turn his head slightly. The tension up in command center was palpable. This was the first proper drill for the full base. The plans Poe and his team had been working on these last couple of years had been implemented over the course of the last two months and now it was time to see how efficiently they actually worked. The TIEs had gone up into the air two minutes before and now it was time for the Stormtroopers to man their stations.

"Sixty-five seconds, Sir," Poe answered and turned to look back at the screen on his datapad again, while around him everyone else was busy preparing the station for battle.

Out of the corner of his eye, Poe saw Hux nod. The General had only arrived here a few minutes ago and was now scrutinizing each and every move here on the command bridge.

"The Stormtroopers are all at their stations, Sir." A young Lieutenant, whom Poe had only gotten to know today as Lombard Qisch, spoke up and Poe nodded in confirmation. Two squadrons of TIE-fighters shot past the main window overlooking the main complex of the base and he let out a barely audible sigh.

Poe looked at Hux. The General had ordered the test run three days previously. "The station is ready for battle, Sir."

"Did it take as long as you estimated it would?"

"Not as long, Sir." Poe shook his head slightly. "We calculated some buffer time into the equation."

Hux nodded again. "I will meet you for the debriefing in two hours."

Poe didn't reply, as Hux turned on his heel and left command again. The station was ready. Ready for battle. Poe couldn't believe that this was actually happening. Yes, Starkiller had been ready to attack for quite a while now, but now that its defence was established properly, there was nothing to stop High Command from firing it.

Licking his lips, Poe turned to Qisch. "Have the Troopers return to their normal stations, Lieutenant. And send me the preliminary reports from all stations as soon as possible."

"Yes, Colonel," The young man's blue eyes were eager, as he turned to relay Poe's orders. He couldn't be older than twenty-two, Poe thought. He had probably only just graduated from the Academy and passed his exams with flying colours, if he had been stationed on this very important base already.

Taking one last look at everyone assembled and working at gathering the data they had collected, Poe turned his back on them to return to his office and prepare for the debriefing. He still hadn't gotten used to having his own office, but he had to admit that he rather liked the quiet there. Working with the other tacticians was still something he could lose himself in easily, but being away from people apart from his own private quarters, was refreshing for a change.

The debriefing had passed without a glitch. Poe hadn't expected there to be one, but he had to admit that he was glad, when Hux stood up, thanked the officers involved in the operation and closed the session. The drill had been declared a success and now it would be up to Poe and his team to keep working on the base's defence.

They had been sitting in the first few rows of one of the minor conference rooms, all facing the front, where the schematics the speaker was talking about could easily be observed. Though the room was a lot smaller than the main conference room, the thirty or so officers barely filled half the seats. When Hux had left the room, talking to one of the officers, Poe turned around, datapad in hand to find himself staring straight at Phasma. He hadn't seen her approach, though he had of course known that she was nearby. He had listened to her report on the Stormtrooper's movements after all.

"Captain Phasma." Poe nodded briefly, then moved on to collect his datacards. "How can I help you?"

"You recommended FN-Two-One-Eight-Seven for a promotion?"

Poe stiffened. He shook his head slowly. "That was General Hux, not me."

"Following your report on that crash on Jakku?"

How he wished he could see her face. Her voice didn't betray anything. No anger. No sarcasm. Nothing. How easy it must be to hide behind that mask… "If you disagree, you should not have to take it up with me, Captain. I only filled the General in on what happened and how well FN-Two-One-Eight-Seven reacted under difficult circumstances."

She nodded. The first reaction other than words he had gotten from her this far. "He does that," she said. "I supervised his training."

Where was she going with this? Poe had no idea and talking to her about Finn made him feel more than uncomfortable. Especially with what had happened between them. Did she know? "Capain?"

"I felt you should be made aware that FN-Two-One-Eight-Seven has been promoted to squad leader." She nodded again.

Poe swallowed. "Thank you," he said quietly, trying to hide the hoarseness in his voice. He wasn't at all sure how Finn felt about that promotion. Their last encounter at least hadn't exactly shown Finn's devotion to the Order.

Without another word, Phasma walked off, undoubtedly returning back to her own workstation.

Poe closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. Most officers had already left and he had the rest of the day off after today's drill. He might just as well return to his quarters, he thought. He could go over the reports again there before bedtime. Stepping into the aisle, he heard someone calling out to him and as he turned his head slightly, he saw a familiar face walking towards him from three rows behind the one he had been sitting in.

"Major!" Poe laughed, shaking Meelan's hand with a wide grin. "What are you doing here, I thought you'd stay on the Finalizer for the foreseeable future!"

"Turns out they are in dire need of another communications officer down here," Meelan said smiling.

"Well done," Poe answered, letting go of Meelan.

"I didn't get a promotion like you did, but being stationary for a while is quite nice as well. Especially on a base this important."

"When did you get here?"

Meelan shook his head. "Only about an hour ago. Colonel Karrde thought it best I attend this meeting, before assuming my post here tomorrow."

"You're with Karrde?" Poe asked, as they walked towards the exit past the other officers still talking near them. "So you will be working with me again occasionally."

"Looks like it." Meelan grinned weakly. "Do you have rec time coming up?"

"I do," Poe answered. "And since you have only just arrived you're free as well?"

"I am." Meelan nodded. "How is the food here?"

Poe couldn't hold back a laugh at this. It felt good being around someone who could make him laugh again, he thought. "Just like everywhere else. You'll like it."

"Show me where I can get some?"

"With pleasure."

Walking along the corridors towards the officer's mess with Meelan next to him, felt like a relief he hadn't quite expected. Here was someone he knew. Someone he had something other in common than work. When they finally sat down, trays in front of them, Poe felt Meelan's eyes trained upon him. There wasn't anyone sitting close by, so he was probably expecting a rendition of the last couple of weeks.

"How is Nataleeh?" Poe asked, before his friend could ask a question himself.

As expected a wide smile spread over Meelan's face as he picked up his fork. "She's doing great, last I heard. I expect I will be able to see her in a month or two. Before the baby arrives."

Poe nodded slightly. "Have you been assigned a bigger living space yet?" He remembered that officers with families were treated with higher priority to encourage them to have more children. Of course Nataleeh was a General's daughter and up to the point of General Kafr's death she and her husband had always received a slightly better treatment than most other families, but they had only lived in a small, one bedroom apartment as far as Poe knew. But now that Nataleeh was expecting, things were bound to change.

"A small, three bedroom house," Meelan said. "We'll be moving in there when I get back to her." He took a bite of his veg meat and shook his head. "Still can't believe this is happening."

Poe couldn't help but smile at this. "What did you expect?"

"Well…" Meelan murmured, not meeting Poe's gaze. "We haven't been together as much as I would have liked. We've spent more time apart than together and now we're a family already."

Feeling his throat growing tight, Poe forced down a mouthful of food himself. Already he was eying the puree of fruit served with the meal. Something vaguely sweet to stench the bitterness spreading through every fibre of his being. "You'll be able to spend more time with them once the baby is there, I suppose…" he said, trying to sound as if Meelan's words didn't matter to him. Meelan and Nataleeh had been married for quite a while now, but as far was he knew they had gotten engaged after their first meeting. Poe didn't know the details, but it was obvious that it had been more passion than anything else that had brought them together.

Meelan's slight scowl told Poe that his friend was worried about this relationship lasting. Of course he was. He and Nataleeh barely knew each other, even if their attraction to each other was obvious. He missed her, Poe could see that now, and Meelan was probably missed by her as well.

Poe swallowed another bite of veg meat and shook his head. "Don't worry," he said despite himself, as he realized that the nagging pain at his stomach was nothing but jealousy for his friend. "You and your family are going to be fine."

Meelan smiled weakly, then looked up. "Thank you… and yes, after the birth I will go on a two-week leave."

"There you go." Two weeks wasn't enough, probably, but Poe couldn't help but admire the First Order for taking care of its families, all things considered.

"And how have you been these past two months?"

Poe had expected this answer and shrugged. "Fine, really."

"I heard your shuttle crashed."

Looking up from his tray, Poe wondered if Meelan knew anything about the supposed crash, but there was nothing but sincere concern on his friend's face. "Yes, well… just a malfunction. And then we ran into some locals not friendly to the First Order."

Meelan's eyes widened. "Are you alright?"

Poe nodded briefly. Sticking to the part of the story that was true wasn't as hard as had been telling the outright lie about the objective of the mission. "I am. But we lost three Stormtroopers that day." He put down his fork. All of a sudden his appetite was gone. Not even the fruit looked appealing anymore. "One of the other Stormtroopers and I managed to get away before the Order arrived to get us." Saying this was even harder than he had expected. Making it sound like Finn was just one in many. "He saved my life…" Poe added as if that could make up for anything.

"Are you telling me you had to be saved? What happened?"

Poe shook his head, fully aware that he was already treading on slippery ground. "Just a really bad misunderstanding with some locals."

"Where was that?"

"I don't even remember the name of the planet to be honest."

"Poe…"

"Leave it." Poe's voice sounded harsher than he had intended and he immediately felt like had crossed some kind of invisible boundary. Shaking his head, he shrugged. "I'm sorry," he mumbled, abandoning his food now and taking a gulp of water.

Meelan nodded, understanding showing on his face. So much for Hux' demand of not letting anyone know about Jakku. At least Meelan didn't continue to pressure Poe for answers. "Alright," he said, shaking his head and eying his food, before pushing the tray away from him. "Just one last question: are you in trouble?"

Poe hesitated before answering. He couldn't be sure of course, though he expected that Hux couln't possibly like him any less than he already did. He had failed the Order, or rather Supreme Leader Snoke, which was probably his worst offence. But so far nothing even resembling punishment had crossed his path. That had to count for something. "No," he said. "Not really." That was as honest as he could get anyway. The resulting problem with Finn was a different matter entirely, even if that was probably the only thing about the mission he could even think of telling Meelan about. But why should he? Meelan wouldn't care about Poe having thought, even for a brief moment, about diving head over heels into an affair with a Stormtrooper. In Meelan's eyes it wouldn't mean more than what other officers occasionally did to soldiers under their command.

"But you'd let me know if you were? You know I could find… details that could help you?"

Grinning was the only adequate answer Poe could come up with at first. As communications officer and interrogator Meelan was probably more familiar with the Order's data storage systems than anyone else. He also knew how to pull up information on people if needed. "Thank you," Poe said.

Meelan nodded grimly.

Meelan's quarters, as it turned out, weren't too far away from Poe's. Merely one level below his own, which was closer than they had been back on the Finalizer, which made the fact that he'd had two glasses of whiskey to celebrate their reunion fairly easy to hide. He didn't have far to go and he didn't meet anyone on his way there, which was quite a relief. This time he and Meelan had been more moderate than the last time they had been together and it only took Poe pulling up the memory of the terrible hangover he'd had the last time, to remind himself that an uncomfortable and constant ache in his chest wasn't worth paying the price of nausea and a head ready to burst the next morning.

As he rounded the last corner on his way to his room, he saw the figure clad in white already waiting for him. He stood still for a moment, realizing fully well who the Stormtrooper must be. This part of the base was never patrolled by Troopers and the very fact that one, and only one, was standing in front of his door, told him that it had to be Finn and not some sort of patrol that would take him straight to the detention block. Stepping closer, Poe focused his eyes on the helmet, hoping that Finn was returning his gaze.

"I-", he began, unable to say anything. He looked over his shoulder. They were alone. No one could see them. Only the surveillance cameras trained on the corridor. The rooms were unsupervised for privacy reasons, but the corridors weren't.

"Poe…" Finn began, his voice distorted by the speakers, making Poe's heart contract painfully.

Shaking his head, Poe took another step towards the keypad next to his door. "I don't know what to do…. Or to say for that matter." The very fact that a Stormtrooper was standing in front of his door must look suspicious for the surveillance people. Conspiratorial maybe. One thing was for sure. Finn was exposing himself by waiting here for him and he must know that. "You should have stayed away."

"I came here to talk to you," Finn whispered quickly. "Not... not for… that."

Poe nodded. "I get that," he answered with a pang of disappointment and relief. "Tell that to the people watching us right now. This here is looking like an invitation on my part to put it nicely." He had been staring at his door and only now did he tentatively raise his gaze. "Are you free right now, or do you have a schedule to keep?" His heart was beating fast already. Faster than he would have thought possible after Morap. Another reason to stay away from Finn, but sending him away might very well result in trouble for them both.

"I'm free."

Poe nodded. "Are we clear on what we talked about last time?"

Finn nodded in turn. More hesitantly. "We are." His voice sounded different now, but without being able to interpret Finn's features it was hard to read and Poe hated it.

After another moment of staring at that unsettling mask, Poe typed in his key code at which the door slid open. Upon entering, Poe placed the datapad he had been carrying on the narrow desk, without turning to look back at Finn. And now the fact that he had supposedly slept with the Stormtrooper was on record. He pinched his eyes closed, taking a deep breath. "Do you know what situation you brought us in here?" He asked quietly and after only a brief glimpse out the window, he turned to look at Finn, who had already removed his helmet.

"Yes I am, but I need to talk to you."

"It can't be that urgent, can it?" But the expression on Finn's face told him that it was. There wasn't even a flicker of a smile on the other's face, but there was no hurt there either. Nothing that would suggest Finn resenting him for what had happened two months ago. Two months. Had it really been that long? Poe immediately found his eyes trailing from Finn's eyes to his lips and immediately his mouth was parched.

"I don't know how urgent it is exactly," Finn said quietly. "I didn't take part in the drill today though."

Eyebrows raised, Poe pointed to the chair at his desk. "Do you want to sit down? It would be even more suspicious if you left here that quickly anyway. We may just as well be comfortable." Sitting down on the edge of his bed, he waited until Finn had settled on the chair. He couldn't possibly be comfortable in his armour, but he only took off his gloves.

"So?"

Finn swallowed visibly, taking a look around the small, simple room. It was slightly bigger than the one on the Finalizer had been, but just as modestly furnished. Poe let him be.

"Nice room you have here."

Poe shrugged. "Standard issue," he said, cursing himself for making it sound like it was nothing at all. Finn probably had no idea what it was like to have a room one could call one's own. "Sorry…" he mumbled, wondering what it was that had brought Finn here. Finn… here, in his room. Poe couldn't deny that he hadn't wished for it these last weeks, but that didn't mean that he'd have asked Finn here. Things hadn't changed. Looking up at Finn, he felt that tightness in his throat again. No. Nothing had changed. Nothing at all.

"Don't be. It is a nice room." The trace of a smirk was visible on Finn's lips and Poe couldn't help but laugh. A laugh that at least managed to take off some of the tension.

"Why are you laughing?" Finn asked still grinning. "What?"

"I don't know," Poe answered, feeling his face grow hot and he quickly bit down on his lower lip. Had he known that Finn would show up here he wouldn't have had a single drop of whiskey. "I'm sorry. Just can't wipe that smile off my face." Honesty… one of the things he had never been able to shake.

"Keep it," Finn muttered, leaning back in his chair. "Suits you."

At this, Poe's ears got even hotter and he had to look down at the tips of his boots, unable to hold Finn's gaze anymore. The smile vanished as quickly as it had come. He shook his head slightly and buried his hands in his hair. He closed his eyes, breathing heavily. "I'm so sorry," he said softly. His hands were shaking again. "I wish things were different."

"Why?"

Poe looked up again, hiding his lower face behind his fingers as he put his elbow on his knee. Finn didn't look taken aback or surprised at what Poe was saying and Poe realized that Finn must be familiar with what it meant to be with someone, or at least what it felt like to share a bed with someone else. Poe took a deep breath, pushing away all thought of whether it had been with another Stormtrooper or an officer. He didn't even want to think about whether Finn had been harassed at some point, though of course it was possible. Then again, Finn would have kept his distance from Poe, wouldn't he?

Giving his head a tiny shake, Poe interlaced his fingers and looked down at the palms of his hands. He could see the scar there. The scar that hadn't really faded yet. It was still there. A constant reminder of Jakku. "I don't know…" he confessed. He wanted things to be different. So much. But he couldn't find the right words. "You probably know that you have a certain effect on me and… well…" He fell silent, closing his eyes. "I don't know if it's because of what happened on Jakku, though I'm almost sure it has a lot to do with that, but there's something else as well. I can't name it exactly, but it's there and I wish it wasn't." He heaved a heavy sigh and buried his face in his hands for a short moment, taking a deep breath.

Finn didn't move. Didn't approach him in any way. He just sat there. Listening. Waiting.

"I'd like to find out what it is, but I can't. That's it probably." To his relief, Finn didn't suggest anything they might pursue anyway, now that they were stuck in his private quarters.

"Would it be of any use to tell me why?"

Poe shook his head, unwilling to put blame on the Order, or even Morap for that matter. Talking about it wouldn't change a thing after all and he had the feeling that if he told Finn any of this, he would be hiding behind something he couldn't quite name. "Not really…" he said quietly, remembering how he had felt back on Jakku with Finn.

Safe.

Protected.

Everything else so far away from the concept of loneliness as he hadn't been in a long while. Even with Morap he hadn't felt that way, he now realized and just this simple realization made it easier to breathe. He looked up at Finn again.

The expression on his face was serious, but not accusing or anything else. Only a slight trace of pain was showing in his eyes. A pinprick, almost vanishing in a sea of understanding, if not acceptance. "But like I said… " he began. "That's not what I wanted to talk to you about."

"So you said," Poe confirmed. "What is it then?"

"It's General Hux," Finn said and the words alone made a cold creep up Poe's spine, he hadn't expected. "I wasn't at the drill, because he wanted to talk to me. About you. About what I heard when you were talking with San Tekka."