Chapter 10

The Void

The words twisted his guts. He swallowed hard, returning Finn's gaze, unable to look away from eyes that were full of sympathy. Hux hadn't fully believed his report. Not entirely anyway. He tried swallowing, but his mouth was too dry.

"What did you tell him?"

Finn shrugged, obviously trying to look like nothing was wrong. "Only that you talked about the map… where it was. That San Tekka asked why you wanted the map… not entirely true, I know but…"

Poe heaved a sigh of relief.

"Ren was there too. I think he knows I was lying," Finn added after a pause. He shook his head slightly. "But I didn't think you'd want me to tell him about San Tekka recognizing your name."

Poe nodded again and rubbed his hand over his neck. "Thank you," he murmured. "It doesn't mean anything," he added quickly, feeling the urgent need to justify himself. "What San Tekka said, it doesn't matter. But still…"

"That's what I thought." Finn didn't sound entirely convinced but resigned and Poe was grateful to him for not asking any further questions. "I'll leave you in peace then. Just thought you should know."

Poe nodded and got up just as Finn did. Putting his gloves back on, Finn smiled slightly. "I hope I didn't get you into trouble by coming here?"

With a shake of the head, Poe stepped forward. "It probably doesn't matter. If the General is already suspicious of me, then you not coming here wouldn't have improved my situation. What about you?"

Finn shrugged, a grin on his face. "If a Colonel asks me to come to his quarters, there's not a lot I can do, is there?"

Poe snorted unhappily. "I'm sorry," he mumbled, taking another step towards Finn.

"Stop apologizing. I'm an adult, you know?"

Again, Poe couldn't help but laugh. "Yes I know. And a kriffing fine one at that." Raising his hands, he put them on Finn's cheeks. The skin was soft and warm under his fingertips. "Still, I don't want you to put yourself in jeopardy for me. If Hux asks any more questions, tell him. Tell him you didn't remember everything or-"

"No, I'm not! You don't want him to know and it's none of his business! They were your parents and he shouldn't give a damn about them!" The angry scowl on Finn's face in combination with his hands on Poe's hips made Poe shiver.

Poe laughed again softly, then leaned in, gently pressing his lips to Finn's. "Thank you, Finn."

Falling asleep had been hard these last couple of days. Not only did he constantly worry about Hux approaching him to ask more questions, but there was also this other memory. The memory of Finn. Nothing had happened after that second, more moderate kiss, but Poe knew that he had made a horrible mistake.

Before, he had tried banishing Finn from his thoughts without success, but now his mind kept trailing back to him and there were times when he didn't even fight it anymore. He simply had to acknowledge that Finn had done more for him in the short span of time that they had known each other, than anyone else. Even Morap. With Morap things had been different. They had been together for a long time, but they had never had to fight through anything. Not together. Not for each other. Yes, they had worked in unison, but even if Poe had never needed protection back then, he had never realized how good it must feel to completely trust someone else.

He hadn't trusted Morap. He knew that now. Somehow trusting Morap and being with him were two completely different concepts. And that was what was making things hard for him now. He trusted Finn and he knew that the same was also true for Finn, but being with Finn was out of the question, because it would never last. The almost instant attraction to Finn probably had everything to do with trusting Finn and feeling indebted to him on a very fundamental level that wouldn't be denied access to the very core of his being.

He had been angry with Morap for abandoning him to deal with the consequences of his betrayal and rightly so, but nowadays is anger was aiming at something else. Something that was making him feel like he was slowly but surely getting the ground from underneath his feet taken away from him. Even finishing his written report on the drill took longer than usual and he knew exactly why that was. That burning pain in the pit of his stomach whenever he started working on it, made it impossible for him to write any faster. When he finally saved the file on the server, Poe leaned back in his chair, turning his head to look out the window at the snow tipped trees below him. He hadn't been out there since his arrival on Starkiller Base. Not once. For the first time, he wished his schedule allowed for it. He hadn't touched snow in years and for a moment he wished he could. But his schedule was keeping him busy until after dark and even then leaving the base except on business was out of the question. Looking down at his hands he wondered what it would feel like to dip his bare hands into the white icy substance, pick it up and form a ball, like he had done in those years at the orphanage. Back when the only thing he needed to worry about had been… what? What had he been worried about as a child? He didn't know anymore. The only thing he remembered was the feeling of abandonment by his mother and something else… a sense of belonging. Blinking, Poe shook his head and he got up. The screen in front of him had only just reminded him of his schedule. Time for lunch. Afterwards he'd have time for a meeting with his team before going back to work. A design for another, smaller and more agile class of Star Destroyers had been sent to him this morning and he'd have to go over the schematics to figure out its potential in battle and how to incorporate them in their strategies or maybe come up with new ones. The presentation of the schematics would take most of the afternoon meeting luckily.

He still hadn't grown as familiar with his team as he had been with the one on the Finalizer. They were competent enough, no doubt. Probably more than that, but that didn't mean that working with them came easy to him. Ever since he had arrived here on this base, he had felt somewhat detached from everyone. His surroundings were familiar enough. The people he was working with were more or less the same as they had been everywhere else he had worked before and still something felt off. Having Meelan around again made it more bearable.

"The turbo lasers are more concealed than they are on Resurgent class ships," one of the other tacticians said. Poe was standing near the holo at the centre, listening to his team evaluating the schematics. "That should make it harder for enemy ships to render them defenceless."

"Yes, but since they are smaller, their shielding isn't as good as it should be. That's the same problem as with old fashioned TIEs." Qisch shook his head, looking at the woman who had spoken up before. "These new Striker class ships have to stay in formation if they want to stand a chance at not getting blasted apart."

"But they will indeed be useful as escorts to bigger ships and Special Forces TIE fighters."

Poe nodded. "That's what they were created for. To carry extra star fighters and provide escort. As you can see, they are almost as heavily armed as the Resurgent class Star Destroyers. In relation only of course, but still." It was hard hiding his exasperation. He had already given them a short overview of the new ships' purpose, but so far only three people had spoken up to add useful insights into the schematics. Most of them, the younger tacticians mostly, had only tried to impress him with the obvious. Meelan caught his attention. He had his eyebrows raised was shaking his head slightly. Apparently he too was fed up with these young people and their idiotic attempts at impressing him. "I want you to look at these schematics and I want your reports on potential in any kind of context on my desk tomorrow evening."

He saw the people in front of him shift uncomfortably. The task he had set them was nearly impossible to finish by the deadline he had set, but Poe didn't really care. They were working for the Order and they had best find out that they sometimes simply had to achieve the impossible. "Get to work."

Typing in a couple of command codes, Poe transferred the schematics to his team's main drive, keeping a copy on his personal data pad, and then disconnected it from the main computer. The officers dispersed, hurrying off to get to their workstations.

"You've been on edge lately," Meelan said quietly to his right. Poe turned his head slightly and nodded.

"I am… but they have to learn how to work properly. They are all so incredibly young and they need some pressure."

Meelan nodded and as Poe looked up at him, he saw that his friend was serious. As serious as Poe had barely ever seen them. "I have something to show you."

Stretching out his hand, Poe was almost waiting for the next set of schematics, or a memo recorded on holo vid, to be passed to him by Meelan but Meelan shook his head.

"I'd prefer your office, actually."

Poe didn't comment on that, but just as he felt his guts being twisted by that strange sense of dread once again, he pushed it away with all his might. This could be everything. Everything ranging from a piece of news about Meelan's wife to another order by Hux. But as he entered his office with Meelan five minutes later, he already felt like whatever Meelan wanted to talk to him about, wasn't good news.

"What is it?" Poe asked as the door closed and they were alone.

Shaking his head, Meelan approached the desk and sat down at one of the two chairs standing in front of it. "Well for one, I'm glad you're putting yourself out there again."

"What?" Poe asked, feeling the heat rise already. Meelan knew… of course he did. He must know. He worked in communications and even people in the First Order gossiped. He should have expected this to happen. Rubbing his hand over his neck, Poe approached his desk and sat down next to Meelan.

"That Stormtrooper?" Meelan shrugged, looking Poe with something of a smile. "Not something I would have expected of you… but… well I guess I can't exactly blame you either. You've been alone for too long perhaps."

Poe shrugged, licking his dry lips. "It's not like that…" he mumbled, thinking wildly about what he wanted Meelan to know. That he had in fact not slept with Finn, would only arouse more suspicion.

"I get it… he's the one you crashed with, isn't it?"

Poe's head snapped up at the word. Meelan certainly hadn't bought the story about the crash, had probably even managed to pull up some data concerning the supposed crash and the distress signal. Since it had come from Jakku, the story wasn't exactly watertight, Jakku being far from the course the shuttle should have taken from their previous position on the Finalizer to Starkiller Base. But Meelan didn't press the matter and Poe was grateful for it. He nodded slowly. "Yes, he's the one," he said quietly, realizing full well how this one sentence could be read two entirely different ways but he still didn't know how he meant it. The whole concept was too big for him to grasp somehow.

Not giving away even the slightest trace of emotion, Meelan pulled a datacard from the inside of his tunic. "After that night you spent with him," he said, "General Hux sent for me and asked me to do some research for him. On you. I take it that one incident in your quarters set him on edge somehow." He still didn't ask any questions and Poe buried his face in his hands.

He felt numb. Paralyzed. "And?" he asked, his voice muffled by his hands. He really didn't even want to know what Meelan had to say about this whole affair, but he valued his honesty. "Did you find anything?" His mind was racing, trying to figure out when he hadn't stuck to protocol and how that might affect everything he had worked for since childhood.

"Not about you exactly, no." Meelan's voice sounded grave and Poe looked up again. Meelan was twisting the datacard in his hand and then gently, as if he was holding a bomb, put it on the desk. "You should watch this. Don't worry, Hux doesn't have anything on you. You're clean. But this isn't just about Hux. There's stuff I think you should know. No one knows I saw this or took this copy, so I'm asking you to watch it on a disconnected datapad and destroy this thing as soon as you can."

Poe nodded, his mouth awfully dry, and then watched Meelan get up. "Sure."

Meelan nodded. "I'm guessing you're not coming to dinner tonight, but I still have some of that whiskey left. Just in case you need it tonight."

He flinched when Meelan put his hand on Poe's shoulder and squeezed it. He had never done this before, Poe thought, as he watched his friend leave. But then again, a lot of things seemed to have changed these last few months. Swallowing hard, after Meelan had left the room, Poe reached for the datacard. It felt heavy in his hands. Like a weight he couldn't get rid of easily. Something he wasn't likely to be able to shake off easily. And Meelan knew what it was. Meelan was taking a huge risk for him, Poe knew. Another person willing to stand in the line of fire for him, but why anyone would be willing to do that, Poe couldn't even begin to understand.

He got up and put the datacard in his pocket while reaching for his datapad at the same time. Yes, he should be working right now. He should be with his team, supervising their efforts or studying the new schematics himself. Be he couldn't possibly bring himself to do it. Not with the urgency in Meelan's voice still fresh in his ears. Now was not the time for work. Or at least it felt like it wasn't and that thought alone was enough to make his hands tremble. He had never not felt like working. Even after Morap's flight, he had kept on pushing himself through mountains of schematics and myriads of strategy meetings. Having a look at whatever Meelan had left him here seemed like the only valid option at this point. Everything was changing. Everything. And he wasn't ready for that. He wasn't sure he could take it. Even for a moment. But he had to. There was no other choice. He felt it deep within him, something twisting his guts violently like the knowledge of something stalking him like a dark shadow. Something he couldn't quite grasp. Not yet anyway. Not until he had taken a look at what Meelan was so anxious for him to see.

He filed a short report via datapad on his way to his quarters, claiming to be suffering from severe headaches and requesting a med droid to send over an antidote as quickly as possible. That should keep people off his back for some time. Entering his room, he found that it looked entirely different in the early afternoon sun. He barely ever saw it like that, since his shift tended to start early in the morning and only end after dark. Leaning against the wall by the door, he took a look around. At his home these past two months. At the narrow door to the bathroom, the desk with the uncomfortable chair. At the bed in which he hadn't been able to find any sleep recently. His lack of sleep had been noticed by the last medical exam a few days previously and Poe had been able to talk his way out of it then. Now that he had reported headaches he was bound to be forced to undergo an extensive medical exam sooner rather than later. Shuffling his feet over the dark tiled floor, Poe made his way over to the bed and sat down on it. What was it that Meelan needed him to see? Something that needed to be destroyed as soon as possible? Leaning up against the wall and adjusting the pillow at his back, Poe proceeded to cutting the connection between datapad and the First Order's system, an option reserved for the private use of the higher ranking officers and mostly used for those with families. Poe himself had never put it to use. Why should he have? He didn't have secrets. Not until now that was. Not until Finn and that was over already? So what could possibly be Meelan had found out about him? Was he being watched? But is so, Meelan could have told him!

Unable to put it off any longer, Poe inserted the datacard into the designated slot and he only had to wait half a minute before the file had loaded. Or rather the files. Apparently a holo vid and a report. Poe couldn't distinguish what kind of files they were according to their label. He opened the first one. The holo vid. The small projector took a while to load the file, and when it did, Poe felt his heart sink.

An interrogation room, he realized. A person, a human judging from size and proportions, strapped to the chair in the centre. Stormtroopers flanking the chair. The masks they were wearing and their armour in general told Poe that this video had to be old. Very old. He did a quick calculation and swallowed hard, getting a sense of why Meelan had given him the datacard. And he wished Meelan hadn't done it. Hadn't forced this upon him.

Poe shut his eyes, before he could see her face, knowing full well that he didn't have it in him to even move a finger to turn off the recording. Her scream was the first thing he recognized of her. Or rather her voice. That voice that brought up so many moments he had forgotten, shoved away to a place he hadn't reached for in such a long time. Distorted though it may be by pain and anger, her voice was the same.

It was her. His mother. And he wasn't even looking at her as she screamed. Breathing heavily, he forced his eyes open again, fighting off the pain at hearing her. She had been selfish. She was the reason he had lost his family early on. He told himself that she wasn't worth it. That she was a rebel. Nothing more. That she was his enemy and always had been, but as he stared back up at the holo in his trembling hand, the camera zoomed in on that face. A face he recognized at once. The scar over her right brow was the first thing he remembered as he saw her now. She hadn't changed. She still looked the same. She had stopped screaming, but was still breathing heavily, teeth bared, glaring at someone Poe couldn't see yet. He could only see the side of her face, but that alone was enough to make his throat feel tight. There was nothing he could do to distance himself from that look. From that face. No possible way and every time her chest moved, he felt his heart drum loudly in his chest.

She was beautiful, he realized with a pang. Beautiful and unreachable to him then and now even more so. There was no time to think. No time to process. All he could do was stare at the holo with his mouth open, the datapad clutched tightly in his hand.

Her face was dripping, at first he thought it was sweat, but then he realized why she had been screaming. She was drenched. Drenched in water and her screams, as they picked up again, tore at his heart like a white hot knife as electricity shot through her body.

Feeling the bile rise in his throat, Poe dropped the datapad on the bed, making the holo shake in the air. But it didn't help. It didn't help in keeping the anguished sob from clawing its way out of his throat. She threw her head back with a breathless grunt, as the electricity reached an even higher intensity, freezing her in place, while her arms and legs twitched violently in their restraints. And then she collapsed. Just like that.

Poe gasped. Was that it? Her death? For a short, terrible moment he thought this was all he was going to see. But then he saw that she was breathing. Still breathing. After everything. There was a look in her eyes, blazing with a fire he had never seen there. A hatred so cutting he felt it pushing its way out of the holo and burning deep within him, making him feel every ounce of that horrible weight.

"Where's my boy…" she whispered, her voice raw from screaming. Like sandpaper. Like something barely human anymore. Her full lips were parched. Trembling. Bloody from biting down on them to hold in the screams she had had no chance of fighting. "Where's Poe?"

His name coming from her bruised lips after all these years, even in this tone of voice was like a blanket put over him by an invisible hand and at the same time it was as if the ground beneath him was shaking. Shaking violently to open up and swallow him whole. Her dark curls were sticking to her cheeks, almost hiding the cuts she must have received during the interrogation. Almost. But not quite.

"Your boy is with us. He is being taken care of." A man's voice said, making Poe shiver uncontrollably.

And that was enough. Enough to bring her back. She was strong. Even after what must have been hours, she fought the restraints with all her might, a fire in her eyes that made Poe's own sting. "Don't you touch him! Don't you dare touch-" She was cut off by a fist connecting with her jaw, throwing her head back against the chair with a violent thud. "He's my boy," she said more quietly, her voice on the verge of breaking into needle sharp pieces of nothingness. Her eyes were trained at a point somewhere above the camera and Poe could see tears trailing down her blood stained cheeks. Her lips were trembling, as she closed her eyes and the voice of the man spoke up again.

"You will never see him again," the man whispered and the face of the officer slowly edged into the frame, his lips so close to her jaw that they were almost touching her skin. "But I promise you that you are going to rue the day you destroyed the Empire's last Super Star Destroyer for a very long time."

And then the image was gone. Just like that. The holo had ended without even another word. Another finite sentence. Kafr… Kafr had been the one to interrogate his mother. Personally. The air around Poe suddenly seemed to be unbreathable. Too dense. Too clean. He was gasping, his back pressed against the icy wall and as he reached up to bury his hands in his hair, hair that must look so much like his mother's whenever it had grown out even a little, he felt the dampness of cold sweat on his scalp. Closing his eyes, he pressed his head against the knees he must have pulled close to his chest at some point and tried to calm his breathing. This was wrong. This wasn't supposed to have happened. He wasn't allowed to see this. He shouldn't have seen this! He was supposed to be above it. Not to have this thrown into his path.

A sound, unlike any he had heard in a long while fought its way out his throat, as he tried to order his lungs to keep breathing, while tears were streaming down his face and his heart was throbbing so wildly in his chest he felt every single beat like a powerful strike against his ribs.

She had asked for him.

Begged for him.

Had tried to fight for him!

Her eyes, with that unquenchable fire in them had reminded him so much of his own just right after Morap had left. Determined. Determined to fight and to keep fighting. To keep going despite everything.

You better remember what your parents fought for.

The words echoed through his head, making him gasp for breath. What they had fought for had been wrong! So infinitely wrong! Chaos for chaos' sake couldn't be the solution to the galaxy's problems. To leave each and every being to their own devices was wrong. Simply wrong! He remembered that! Remembered that as being the most important goal of the First Order! To bring peace to a galaxy crumpling under the impact of disorder!

But…

There it was…

This "but" he hadn't sensed in decades.

Blinking, he forced his eyes open, trying to remember what this one word entailed. His mother… she had been a but. One single voice in his mind. Echoing through his thoughts. Taking a deep breath, Poe reached again for the datapad, and only managing to open the other file after wiping his sweaty finger on his trouser leg.

His eyes were burning, as he scanned the text that appeared on the screen almost instantly. She wasn't dead. She hadn't been killed by Kafr, the man who had looked out for Poe for such a long time! Not out of the goodness of his heart apparently, but only to spite the Rebel Alliance and the woman who had destroyed his ship.

The galaxy seemed to be spinning around Poe, as he read on. Read about Kafr ordering Shara Bey to be sent first to the spice mines and then to another workstation. And then to another. Ordering to keep her alive, just in case they needed her as leverage against Poe. One day… Poe's breathing had almost come to a complete standstill, as he read this. She wasn't dead! She was alive! Alive and-

The datapad slipped from his grasp.