4. Fantasy
Karma goes about her Monday normally. She eats breakfast with her friend, Brian. He complains about his boyfriend. She half-listens as they walk to their Education Planning class together. She spends her break inside of a café, rereading her notes for her Music Theory class. She goes to said class, uneventfully, and then straight to English. In English class, Karma hears about an event going on at their campus: Sex Week.
She is already hoping the class ends early so she'll have time to go to the gym and then take a nap before her "Women in Music" club meeting. That's all she really is asking for. That's when the professor comes in, adorned in a black and yellow t-shirt that has the words "Bee Sex Positive" printed in bright pink. All Karma was asking for was a normal, boring lecture about grammar so she could sort of space out while taking notes. Not this.
"It's Sex Week. You know that means this weekend is gonna be awesome," a guy at the front of the classroom high fives his friend. It's a relatively small, 40-seat classroom. Karma is sitting in the back, rolling her eyes at them.
"Being sex positive is important," A girl directly behind them comments. "Fuck the walk of shame, it should be the walk of pride." The guys nod in agreement. The professor takes this opportunity to jump in on their conversation.
"Yes, it's our school's annual Sex Week. It's important to be sex positive, just like Carly said. Of course, use protection and always maintain consent. Be respectful of your partner. But celebrate people having sex, people not having sex, and people waiting until marriage." She dramatically pauses, and then: "Now that I've gotten that spiel out of the way, why don't we get to this essay about second-wave feminism to better understand the inner workings of a structural argument?"
Karma spends the class interested in the lecture, but also curious about Amy's reaction to Sex Week. It's exactly the kind of school event that Amy would probably be itching to crack a joke about. She sort of wants to text Amy, but refrains. Karma is not sure how she feels about anything lately, and sometimes thinking about Amy fills with her with a sense of guilt, which leads to a sense of dread. She knows she lucked out by being best friends with Amy. Who else could forgive her so often for being so awful? Karma hates her insecurity.
She considers inviting her floor mate, Stephanie, to work out with her. But Karma dismisses the thought, since she already has her gym bag in tow. On the elliptical, Karma sweats for over half an hour, hoping to relieve herself of some stress; but she can't shake the feeling of anxiety, lately. She knows it has to do with Amy. And it has to do with herself, too…her impression of college had been quite different from her experience now.
Even though she hadn't had many friends in high school, she at least felt comfortable knowing everyone in their year. And better yet, becoming friends with Liam had allowed her to achieve the popularity she craved. Sometimes, she wonders if she let that innate desire to be liked to transfer into her desire for Liam. It was another topic that made her feel just as guilty.
Karma knows she is an extrovert. She loves being around people, showing them a good time, and she feels lacking when she thinks about the fact that she has very few friends at all. Her only legitimate "college friends" are Brian, Alan, and the people she had met on her floor, if they even counted. Brian is excessively into himself, but fun to be around. Alan is a huge stoner. And the people from her floor are largely either the nerdy-introvert types or obnoxious partygoers. Karma wants at least a little more balance than that. She smiles to herself when she realizes that Amy is probably the perfect medium between the two. (Though leaning on the nerdy-introvert type.)
When Karma is leaving the gym, she runs into Alan. He had been playing at the badminton courts, which impresses her, because she didn't think of him as athletic at all.
"What's up Karma?" Alan grinned, and then looked around to ensure no one was listening to their conversation. "Wanna get out of campus for a while and smoke?"
Karma wants to say no and be a good girl and not smoke, but at the same time her feelings have changed since she got to college; she's changed. She knows too much marijuana can slow someone down or—lmake them freakishly stuck in the 1970s (see exhibit A: her parents)—and she's a paranoid because it's illegal, but at the same time lately she's been looking for an escape to all of her overwhelming thoughts. And hanging out with Alan helps her feel less alone.
Alan drives to school, since he lives at home with his parents. She follows him to his designated commuter lot. He is rambling about his latest gig at some jazz café. Karma knows Alan is kind of stereotypical: he loves playing the bass guitar and also smokes a ridiculous amount of weed. She isn't sure how many guitar students he has, but she almost positive it isn't enough to fully fund his habits.
They drive and he tells her to pack the bowl quickly on her lap. She obliges, feeling awful about how Amy would react if she knew that Karma was about to get high after class. Getting high in a beat up Toyota Camry, nonetheless. It seems like such a high school thing, but Karma wants Alan to still like her, and she does enjoy their conversations even if he's a bit random. They're driving right at the speed limit when Karma takes the first hit. Alan rolls down their windows and starts blasting some electronic music that normally would make Karma cringe, but now she feels like it's totally appropriate. Alan ducks down at a red light and takes his hit. It feels dangerous and stupid, like drinking in the park, but Karma feels her string of mistakes snowball as they do, and she isn't sure how to get off the slope.
She sometimes wonders if she's an emotional masochist. Karma revels in this kind of self-destructive behavior she's found in college. She likes the way this drug in particular slows her train of thought, lets her more easily focus on the moment: the vibration of the engine humming, Alan's way of telling a quirky story, and the music drowning every other thought away. Karma doesn't have to feel guilty about anything when she's with Alan, because he doesn't know Amy or how Karma has been. He only knows her now, and this is the moment that counts.
When Alan drops her off in front of her dorm, Karma still feels out of it. The sun is setting soon, and she hasn't seen Amy since this morning. It makes her feel strangely accomplished to have become closer with someone that Amy has no idea about. And sure, they smoke every time, but is it really that bad?
Karma feels relieved when she passes the lounge, finds it sans-Amy and unlocks the door to their room to find it also sans-Amy. She doesn't want her to get worried about this new, shitty habit she's picked up. But then again, it's probably in her genes to eventually smoke copious amounts of weed. The thought makes Karma chuckle in an empty room, and she suddenly realizes that this is a great moment to listen to the assigned playlist for her Rock History class. It's kind of a stereotypical bullshit class, but she loves examining the type of work that came out of different genres.
She's at the final song, when it strikes her that these lyrics hurt too much too ignore.
No one ever told me when I was alone. They just thought I'd know better. Better.
It strikes her as even more poignant that, in her opinion, it's the only decent hit from the album. The most expensive rock album ever produced has just a singular good song. Weird.
Karma's thoughts are looping and sluggish, but she finds herself feeling happy until she suddenly remembers that it's Amy's 18th birthday in two weeks, and she hasn't planned a thing. She perks straight up from the bed (Amy's bed), and struggles to find her phone.
06:17 PM – Karma: Heeeeeey. What do you want to do for your birthday?
06:20 PM – Amy: Hi. I don't know.
06:21 PM – Karma: Hmm, in the celebration of sex week, nudes?
And Karma bursts out loud laughing, because she's high and she doesn't know why at first. But the more she thinks about it, the more that she realizes it's actually the perfect gift because Amy probably does want explicit pictures of her. Maybe. But Karma has not even broached the subject of their accidental kiss, not even with a 10-foot pole, in any way, shape or form, so this is hardly appropriate. But Karma is giddy and the light, and she wants to feel wanted. A huge part of her, the rational and sobering up part, hopes Amy changes the subject. The other part of Karma, the devious and excited part, kind of hopes Amy says yes.
06:35 PM – Amy: Of who?
Karma feels her inevitable, impulsive self automatically respond. She doesn't think. She just types out her first thought and hits "SEND" and that's really the mistake.
06:36 PM – Karma: Of me. Who else? ;)
An excruciating five minutes passes, until her phone finally buzzes and Karma feels nervous opening the text, but she knows she has to.
06:41 PM – Amy: Oh. Then yes. Yes, I would…wait, is this a weird joke? Karma, are you okay?
06:42 PM – Karma: Brian fucked some bartender at a gay club. We could get in there without an ID and drink for your birthday.
06:45 PM – Amy: Okay, sure.
Karma loves Amy for a lot of reasons, but one of her favorite reasons is that Amy will let her drop a subject at any point. Without question. Because Amy sort of has a short attention span in the first place, and she knows that Karma is insecure, so she'll rarely press her about anything. But Karma thinks it's strange but also lucky that Amy lets hers completely 180 the conversation.
It's a blessing and a curse, because Karma feels herself slightly embarrassed at the thought of Amy seeing her completely undressed. But more so, Karma is aroused when she thinks about what Amy would do with explicit pictures of her.
She thinks about Amy on her bed, the bed they always share, with her faced flush. Amy's hair splayed about, wearing only a tank top and boyshort panties—Amy's hand slipping underneath the waistband, Amy's eyes intent on the mobile image of Karma, unable to control herself.
Karma forces herself out of the reverie. Despite having lost her virginity to Liam, Karma does not masturbate. She chalks up the fantasy of Amy to simple sexual frustration. And she knows that Amy does masturbate, because she's mentioned it in passing before. The act helped Amy realized she is bisexual and not a lesbian.
But Karma has never felt the need to touch herself. She barely felt anything but adoration—and possibly love—when she had sex with Liam. It was wholesome and intimate. Yet, it did not make her feel so uncomfortable in her jeans. At this moment, the feeling of the thick fabric, creating pressure against her sex is kind of unbearable. Karma vaguely knows how girls masturbate, again because of Amy, but she doesn't know the specifics. She has never "explored" herself for lack of need. She thinks maybe it's the weed, after all, Alan told her it was an aphrodisiac.
Karma doesn't give in and touch herself. She gets up and heads to the dining hall for a snack, effectively creating a distraction from her Amymasturbatingtohernudes fantasy.