Chapter 12

Supernova

"Thank you," Poe mumbled sleepily, revelling in the warmth of Finn's touch. His mere presence was soothing, lulling him into a sense of security he really shouldn't be feeling.

He had just snapped at Meelan. He had openly shown his distaste for the Order to one of its interrogators. He had acted rashly… maybe so rashly that he'd never be able to disentangle himself from this web he had somehow managed to get himself caught up in. He hadn't even known how much he hated the Order until today. Maybe he hadn't even done so until he had seen this holo and before seeing what he had seen. Maybe... but he couldn't be sure. He hadn't given it much thought either, but how in the name of all that was good had he been supposed to stomach it all?

"It's alright," Finn replied, his hand gently stroking up and down Poe's back.

The tears had ceased to run freely some time ago, but he could still feel them stinging and the pain of it reverberating through his brain like icicles burrowing themselves deep within him. "No, it's not." Poe cleared his throat and looked up at Finn, pulling him closer towards him and putting his hand on his cheek. "Look at us…" Poe said quietly, trailing the path one single tear had formed on Finn's skin with his thumb. "Me crying over something I shouldn't even care about and you… I don't deserve this."

Finn raised his eyebrows, taken aback, but before he could speak up, Poe shook his head.

"You," Poe corrected himself, smiling sadly. "I don't deserve you…"

Finn snorted. "You like being melodramatic, don't you?"

"Not really. But you bring out this side of me somehow." He closed his eyes again, sighing heavily, when Finn leaned over, touching his lips to Poe's eyelids. This one simple gesture felt good, alleviating some of the hurt eating away at him and Poe pressed his forehead against the crook of Finn's neck. "We really shouldn't be doing this…" he mumbled against the fabric of Finn's shirt, breathing in the scent that was so uniquely Finn.

He felt Finn nod, his chin moving over his scalp. "So? Do you want me to leave?"

Shaking his head, feeling a rush of fear of being left alone in his present state, Poe pushed himself closer to Finn, wrapping his leg around the other to keep him where he was. "Not if you want to stay," he whispered, unable to look up at Finn again. Today he had lost his mother… he wouldn't lose this as well… whatever this was.

"I want to stay… if that helps…"

Poe nodded. "I think so…" He felt small. So infinitely small in those arms that he wished he could just sink into them. To lose himself in this moment and not face the world outside again.

"I feel guilty somehow." Poe added after a while. He wrapped his arm around Finn's neck, feeling ready to finally slam the door to the outside world shut and feel nothing the touch of Finn's lips on the skin of his neck.

"About what?"

So much… there was so much to feel guilty about and so very little he could do to redeem himself. He swallowed hard. "Not doing anything to save her," he began, his voice muffled by the rough fabric. His fingertips were brushing softly over the back of Finn's neck now. It felt so good to be touching someone. To be holding someone. To be held like this himself. To know that the person sharing the bed with him was someone he might be allowed to trust. To know that it was Finn. "San Tekka…", he added, feeling something rush over him he had safely put away up to this point. San Tekka hadn't meant him any harm, Poe knew. Just the Order. The Order trying to destroy his life's work… "Slip, Zeroes… Nines…" he swallowed hard as he felt Finn shivering beneath his fingertips. "You… I'm sorry for talking about this when you have never even known your parents… and I'm not supposed to talk about mine… I'm sorry."

"Stop saying that." Finn's voice was firm and Poe flinched slightly, pulling away from Finn. "Stop that. You don't have to feel guilty or sorry or anything. And you know it."

Poe pressed his lips tightly together, remembering full well what he himself had told Finn that day on Jakku. "I just don't know what else to say," he mumbled, breathing in Finn's scent and trailing his lips along Finn's jaw. It felt so good to be touching him… so good that he was on the verge of losing his mind over this single gesture.

"I'm aware…" he heard Finn say, his breath hot in Poe's ear. Automatically Poe pulled him closer with his leg, their torsos touching, their bodies separated by nothing but their clothes and Poe couldn't help but respond to this sudden closeness. That familiar tugging sensation deep down made his throat tight all of a sudden, but he didn't stop, turning the soft stroking of his lips into kisses.

A soft, barely audible moan from Finn was all the encouragement he needed. Willing to just forget, to get his mind as far away from this place as possible, at least for a few stolen blissful minutes, he let his hand trail over Finn's chest, his thumb gently caressing the nipple underneath the firm fabric. Finn's breathing quickened and Poe felt him press his hips against his own. "Finn," Poe whispered hoarsely, letting his lips wander down Finn's neck as he lifted the shirt Finn was wearing to slide his hand underneath, revelling in the heat emanating from Finn's body. Heat ready to consume him there and then.

"Don't."

That one sound was enough to make Poe stop. He could still feel Finn pressed tightly against him, could feel the growing need against his own, but he pulled back, only to see the devastating look in Finn's eyes, which stood in stark contrast to the sad smile on Finn's lips.

"I want to…" Finn muttered, raising a hand to let his fingertips brush over Poe's temple. "But not like this." His voice was still hoarse and Poe closed his eyes, regretting that he had let it go this far. Finn would go now, he was certain of it. He had ruined it… all of it. Whatever this was… whatever this could possibly be. "You're hurting and I don't want it to happen just because you need comfort."

Poe nodded slightly and looked back up at Finn. He understood. And he knew what Finn meant. "I do…" Poe whispered. "And I didn't want to pressure you. I apologize."

Shaking his head, Finn pressed his lips to Poe's forehead again, the chaste gesture almost betraying the message Poe read in his hardening member. "It's fine…" Finn muttered, letting go of Poe to turn on his back. His arm still around Poe, he pulled him close. "Don't get me wrong, this is very tempting…"

Poe couldn't suppress a laugh now and he kissed Finn's shoulder in an attempt to stifle it at least. "Well thank you…"

Finn's shoulder shook beneath Poe's lips and as Poe looked up, their eyes met, cutting off both their laughs. There was a sincerity in Finn's gaze that literally stole Poe's breath away. He barely knew this man and yet he had this effect on him.

"I mean it," Finn whispered, reaching up to brush his hand through Poe's hair. A gesture that brought tears to Poe's eyes almost immediately and he knew exactly why Finn refused him like this: he wasn't in the right state of mind.

Poe nodded slowly and wrapped his right arm around Finn's torso, putting his head on Finn's shoulder and doing his best to ignore the effect Finn was having on him. "I started it…" he muttered, feeling his eyes burning again while the warmth of Finn's body was seeping into his own skin.

"Don't you dare take the credit for that!" Finn retorted, pulling Poe closer again, his hand on Poe's back. "I was the one who wouldn't leave you alone! Don't forget that!"

Poe smirked despite himself, pressing his nose against Finn's neck, breathing in the scent of someone warm. Someone caring. Someone he didn't really deserve. "Why?" he asked, enjoying the sensation of Finn's fingertips stroking him between the shoulder blades.

"I wish I knew… you're different somehow… I guess that's it. The others I've been with… they weren't as … as caring I suppose. You cared… about my team anyway. I guess that's it."

Poe nodded slightly, his throat getting tight again. "I do care…" he muttered. "Not all the time, but I do care about the people on my side of this war… the ones by my side. Too much so by the looks of it. Can't be good." He shut his eyes, doing his best to prevent tears from blurring his vision, even when he knew that no tears would come. He felt all dried up. Like a well that had been drained of its last drop of water years ago.

"I think it's good," Finn said, a sadness in his voice that made Poe's heart contract painfully and Poe wondered who Finn had been with before, a sudden jealousy flaring up inside of him. "I care too much as well, I think…"

Poe's lips twitched in a half smile as he remembered Finn pushing his mother so she landed in his arms and he had the chance to hold her at least for a second. Finn had given it to him. This one second no one else could have given him. The one gift that could never be taken away from him ever again. "Not ideal in our current situation," he whispered, his voice hoarse and muffled by Finn's shoulder. All the tension had left his body. He hadn't even felt it ebbing away.

"No." Finn's answer was enough to twist his guts.

It implied so much… so much he had been feeling himself these last few weeks. So much he didn't dare think about. Not even now. And yet he felt the words working their way around his tongue and he knew he wouldn't be able to stop them. He didn't even want to… "I can't do this anymore…" He barely heard the words himself, but he felt them. Each and every one of them, pulsing through his veins. And he remembered holding her. Feeling her dry skin on his lips. Hearing her screams. Seeing the desperation in her eyes from the holo from thirty years ago. He remembered Kafr standing next to him on that bridge two years before, when Morap had almost been killed. He remembered the gratitude he had felt towards Kafr. For giving him this life. For helping him every step of the way if he could. For promoting him to the rank of Major… and that gratefulness turned into something else. Something so violent, it was as if someone had thrown a punch at him, breaking all the bones in his body with one single hit.

"What else is there to do…" he heard Finn say. This wasn't a question, Poe realized. A statement that was so much more than a trace of doubt. "Where else is there to go?"

Poe remembered. He had asked this question once but unlike last time it wasn't fear of that nothingness that was pulling at his insides. Not cowardice twisting his guts, but something else. Something that was making his heart beat faster and driving the fuzziness from his mind. It was as if he was seeing clearly for the first time in his life. "We… I…" he stammered, forcing himself to lift his head and stare down into that face he hadn't known for a very long time. They weren't nearly as familiar with each other as he and Morap had been, but there was no denying that something was different this time.

He was hurting.

He was breaking.

Falling apart and yet at the same time something was keeping him together and it was nothing else but the tenderness in Finn's eyes. The firmly set lips and the furrowed brow.

Finn nodded slowly. "Together…" Finn muttered. "Maybe… maybe we could do it together."

Definite plans had been impossible to make. Finn had refused to talk about it, but the very fact that he stayed with Poe through the night, holding him, kissing him every now and then, making Poe's heart race and break at the same time, over and over again, was all Poe needed. He was sure this time that Finn wouldn't betray him. That Finn wouldn't leave him. Things were different now.

Every step he took, every single one of them seemed to be reverberating through his entire being. Looking at his colleagues; talking with them during meal times was hard. Pretending to be alright around Meelan was torture. Every time he talked to the man who had been his best friend for such a long time, he heard his mother's screams. He saw her lips whispering his name and he felt the shock of it all breaking him all over again. The worst times were the nights. All he could do then was curl up in his cold, narrow bed, shut his eyes as tightly as possible and breathe away the pain that shouldn't even be there. At least he didn't feel lost anymore. Despite losing everything he had worked for and believed in all his life with one single stroke, he didn't feel lost. Not even for a moment. Not since Finn had spoken those few words.

Maybe… maybe we could do it together.

It was hard finding times they could be together. In fact, three days passed before Poe found himself standing in an elevator on his way to yet another team meeting, a squadron of Stormtroopers to his right and Meelan on his left, before he felt a hand close around his own. Poe didn't turn his head, but he knew at once that it was Finn standing there next to him. It would have looked suspicious had Finn appeared at his door the day after they had spent the entire night together. They didn't want to appear too attached to each other, so another meeting was out of the question for at least a week, Finn had told him and Poe had agreed. If they really wanted to do this. If they wanted to get away, they needed to plan ahead and not arouse any more suspicion by making it clear to everyone that they were more attached to each other than they already were. The memory of Finn's hand around his for that brief moment was all that kept him going for the rest of the day, when every face he looked into reminded him forcibly of what had happened here… how everyone, literally every single person he worked with was connected to this entity that had not only killed his mother, but was also responsible for Finn losing his comrades. They were the enemy now and he himself couldn't even rid himself of that guilt. He was part of it. Part of this monster, this leviathan about to rise and strike, lashing out at whatever stood in its way and it made him sick.

Sitting in the officer's lounge, sipping his tea and listening to the two women on his right talking about the possibilities the new class of Star Destroyers would open up, Poe did his best to swallow the nausea eating away at him. The tea was strong, but not nearly strong enough to his liking. Only a few days ago, he would have gladly joined their conversation, but now… now all he could do was nod occasionally and throw a weak smile in Meelan's direction as he entered the lounge. They hadn't talked about Poe's outburst again and Meelan didn't even seem to hold it against him, but Poe was careful not to let Meelan see how scared he was. Scared of his former friend. Meelan had this particular talent of being able to read people, which meant that now, right at this precise moment, when Poe wished for nothing more than to be able to hold Finn's hand once again and keep holding it for as long as possible, Meelan was his worst enemy.

And still he got up. Just like he would have done before his life had started falling apart. As if he still trusted Meelan and didn't feel like breaking his nose just for the satisfaction of seeing him bleed.

"A message just reached us," Meelan said, sipping his caf and sitting down at the bar. "Looks like one of our capital Star Destroyers was destroyed by the Resistance."

Poe's stomach tightened. He raised his eyebrow and sat down next to Meelan. "How do we know?"

Meelan shrugged. "Special Forces TIE-fighter pilot managed to get away," Meelan answered. "She commed in as soon as she could. I was there when the message reached us. The General and Ren are talking to Snoke as we speak."

Poe nodded, fighting hard to keep his breathing as normal as possible. This meant trouble. It had to. The First Order would not stand for this. "What happened?" he asked, not looking at Meelan.

"The Fortifier was to intercept a shipment of materials we could very well use, but the Resistance got wind of that somehow and they were lying in ambush."

Poe pressed his lips together. The Resistance had always been troublesome for the Order, but now, after they had already failed to obtain the map to Skywalker, the Order would strike. His heart was thumping wildly in his chest and he took a sip from his mug to hide his face at least for a second. "Looks like the war is about to start openly then," he mumbled, as the light above the door was switched on, alerting all officers present to the highest defcon level. It was as if his stomach had sagged to his knees and he got up slowly to look at his comm. The order was as plain as it was simple to follow. He was to organise the defence of the base in case of imminent attack. This could only mean one thing.

"Has the order finally come?" Meelan asked behind him and Poe nodded slightly.

"Yes," he said, keeping his voice as calm as possible and he felt Meelan's hand on his shoulder. Encouraging and devastating at the same time. It was as if all the time in the world had run out. As if this moment were among his last. The ground beneath him was tilting in one direction and he had no foothold on that slippery ground anymore. He had to either jump on to the next cliff without knowing what awaited him there, or fall.

"Well, we'd better get to work, right?" Meelan gave his shoulder a squeeze and then walked past him, joining the other officers on their way to their stations. Poe didn't even hesitate to follow them, holding his datapad close to his chest, his hands already wet with sweat.

His eyes were scanning his surroundings, looking feverishly for a face he wouldn't see as he made his way towards command.

He had to follow orders, he thought.

Follow orders.

Keep his head down.

Watch it happen.

Not even attempt anything that would prevent it and get himself killed in the process.

You better remember what your parents fought for.

There it was again. This sentence that wouldn't get out of his head. And immediately it combined with the mental image of the thin woman lying on that table, her voice inaudible as her lips formed the only name she had left in this whole unforgiving galaxy. The only name by her side. His gut twisted painfully as he kept walking and his thoughts were racing, trying desperately to find a way out of this. A way he could never find.

Poe turned his head as he was passing a unit of Stormtroopers, keeping a lookout for one of them to step out of line and walk next to him… no such luck. Poe swallowed hard as he walked towards the lift, the two women he had sat next to, to his left, when he caught a glimpse of something white flashing in a maintenance corridor to his right. Without pausing, he turned right, as if this was exactly what he was supposed to do and he heaved a relieved sigh, when he found that his gut feeling hadn't betrayed him. Not two feet away from him was Finn, helmet already off, face wet with sweat. He looked like he had been running to this place.

"How did you know where to find me?" Poe whispered in a hushed voice, stepping towards Finn, a sudden wave of affection rushing through him that took him completely off guard. He reached out towards Finn, touching his arms and feeling nothing but the cold duroplast of his armour.

Finn shrugged, his lips twitching into a grimace. "Just a hunch," he mumbled, as footsteps upon footsteps rushed by on their way to carry out the orders that would soon follow. "Poe, what the hell is going on."

Poe cursed, pulling the command cap off his head and brushing a hand through his hair. "They are going to fire the weapon," he muttered hoarsely. "I can't believe they are actually doing this I-"

"Well what were you expecting?!" Finn snapped louder than was safe.

Poe flinched, looking up into those eyes which stared back at him almost accusingly. He nodded slowly. Yes… Finn was right. He had to stay focused. He had to think straight. The time to jump was almost there and the only thing keeping him going was the man standing right opposite him. This almost stranger whom he trusted like no one else. They were in this together and they both knew it. The determination in Finn's gaze was almost tangible. The First Order was about to cross a line and neither of them was prepared to go along with it. Poe knew deep inside that if he went down that road now, he would lose everything, even if he didn't know what exactly this everything was. What did he have? What was left to him anymore? Nothing… nothing but Finn. Finn, whose hands on his waist were trembling.

And that was all it took. All it took for Poe to put his hand on the back of Finn's neck and pull him close again, to press his lips against Finn's, to lose himself in this moment they didn't have. Finn responded in kind, one hand grabbing a fistful of Poe's tunic, his other arm wrapping around his waist. Pulling him close, Finn returned the kiss with a determination which took Poe completely off guard.

Stumbling backwards, he felt himself pressed against the wall, Finn so crowding in close. So overwhelmingly close, in fact, that his heart skipped several beats, before he could move again. Brushing his hands over Finn's hair, he held back a soft moan as Finn's lips parted his own to intensify the kiss.

Only the sound of an alarm, still relatively quiet but present nonetheless, ended the kiss. Poe didn't open his eyes, just kept standing there, wrapped in Finn's arms; Finn's breath was hot on his skin and his heart pumping so heavily he could feel every single beat in his toes.

Poe opened his eyes again. Their lips were still so close, Poe could almost feel the tension; the need to do it all over again. But there was no time for that now.

"Can you fly a TIE-fighter?"

It was the last question Poe had expected and despite the fear slowly starting to claw away at his insides again, making his knees grow week, he couldn't help but laugh, as the alarm became louder, alerting everyone to go to their stations. He had to give orders to his team. Prepare them for what was to come. He couldn't arouse suspicion. Not now. Not now that he needed them occupied.

"I can't fly anything," Poe replied after a moment, gasping for air. "I haven't flown anything in my life! Only in simulations and that hardly counts!"

Finn shook his head, his eyes showing Poe the same determination as before. His trust in Poe hadn't wavered and Poe's heart leapt at the very thought.

Poe took a deep breath. Now… now was the time to do it.

"We're gonna do this." He grinned.

Time to jump.